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Rantings of an SBM


I think a lot … but not every thought is worthy of an entire post. Here I will attempt to take some of the more interesting things floating in my head and share them with you.

– Something about the club is becoming less and less attractive. When I go, I can have fun, but I rarely do. In addition, I just don’t feel like trying to meet women here. Like the aura of buckethead is just so strong I can’t do it. I’ve written about why you can’t meet a girlfriend at the club, but I used to have fun … maybe I’m getting old.

– I think I want a girlfriend. Not sure yet … but I think “being single” is too time consuming.

– Having a girlfriend can be expensive. Its been awhile, but me and someone were talking about this recently. For a guy who wants to treat his girlfriend well, you have flowers, dates, dinners, trips, and if your simping … her rent too.

– Someone on “Def Comedy Jam” made a joke about women ruining “dumb conversations”. Guys can talk/argue for hours about the most random things, such as Superman vs. Batman, as soon as you bring a woman into the conversation … instant death. This happened to me when me and friends were discussing what would get more women … a Law Degree (not a lawyer yet) or a 46″ Plasma TV. After 15 minutes of discussion, we asked a female. “Thats stupid, what do you mean, etc”. Convo over!

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– Really though … what would get more women … the law degree or the plasma?. You would be surprised how many women don’t see the law degree as a major “attractor”.

– Dating is worst for men than women. A failed first date means the planning (I try and custom tailor each one), money, and time is wasted. For a woman, its just time, and at least you probably got a free meal out of it.


  1. interesting thoughts…I would appreciate just a loving relationship with a man without titles and without all the work..how important is a degree if you are dishonest..can't keep a job…and are a lousy boyfriend..but a plasma and a tivo full of her favorite shows is the bestest!!!

  2. @geegee: "A loving relationship without titles and without all the work" … thats exactly what I want. Technically, thats not a gf, but its not the "singledness" that I enjoy now, so what am I supposed to do. Your one of the first females I've seen in support of this.

    Maybe we should make it happen. I'm game …

  3. SMB, your a piece of work-but honest "I think I want a girlfriend". Are you afraid of falling for the wrong person. And what is simping….I'm lost

  4. I would be attracted to the law degree, but he had to be passionate about getting it (his parents shouldn't have made the decision for him). It would give me the opportunity to learn about knew things and his passion, helps give some kind of dimension.

  5. @JB: I'm going to have to define simping for the masses. For short, thinking of a simp as the anti-pimp. The spineless, "do whatever she asks", super save-a-ho, type of guy I have dedicated my life to irradicating … lol.

    There are a few theories to the "I think" in that statement. Main one being, I don't think I have the time or motivation to deal with it all.

    @YoungBelizean: Technically, the garbage worker could teach you something new that you don't know about (unless thats what you do) … lol. Glad you said the degree though, would have "thought" something if a had told me the plasma could steal you heat.

  6. Truthfully, neither the law degree or plasma–how many degrees a man has and him buying me something doesn't really impress me. I'm more concerned about the character of the man. Now don't get me wrong, the good credit rating, him being independent, etc is part of the equation–but he must be of good character.

    I disagree about dating being worse for men. These days its about equal and that's with me being fair 🙂 Too may men over 30 still playing games and my time is valuable.

  7. @YoungBelizean: True, motivation is so sexy … in women too.

    @geegee: Age aint nothing but a number. I don't date younger women anyway. And 50 points … thats not too bad … lol … 500 is a different story (hell 150 even).

    @Sheila: See … this is what I was talking about. Can't we just argue hypotheticals? When I posed the question to the girl I was talking about, she went on some rant about dick game and something else. Humor me …

  8. @Shelia

    …things are about equal? Hardly, things are about as equal and fair as a fixed election.

    Dating tradition formed around the expectation that a woman would be taken care of financially while she took care of the house+. Now, women can take care of themselves and dating from the man's perspective is still the same. Recount please?

  9. A failed date for a woman can also mean planning, money and time are wasted. Often, women (at least I do) end up planning half of the date. And if I have to get my hair done for the date, that's definitely money. If I didn't have a date to go on, I could just do it myself. it wouldn't have that salon finish, but it'd be good enough for work. Or the gas I waste meeting you somewhere if you don't pick me up. A man might spend more money, but money can definitely be lost on both sides.

  10. SBM…just giving you the real view.

    Antidater…I agree to disagree…no recount needed, unless you're in Florida and we already know the votes are in a man's favor there 🙂

  11. @Minnie: Every single thing you mentioned we have to do too. We go to the barber in preparation for a big date. We have to drive to the date, and usually have to pick you up and do all the driving. And even in the rare case that you plan half the date, then he had to plan the other half.

    Things are equal my ass!

  12. I never said things were equal. My argument was very specific: it's more than just time that we lose when the date goes bad. And you really don't want to argue about going to the barber versus the salon. Women will win that one every time. Maybe a lot of my first dates are different, but I usually end up planning them most of the time. A lot of times a guy is so bent on making a good impression and doing what I want to do that it's actually annoying b/c they don't contribute at all to planning. But i digress…

  13. @YoungBelizian: Wow … I'm shocked. While I am completely in support of going dutch on first dates because of the high potential for bad dates, but even I have barely been able to swing it. I really want to hear how this went down so many times …

  14. I kind of talked about in my blog..the whole "first date" thing..lol, but I always leave with enough money..you know just in case. But I have ran into the whole I'm short on cash or I'm broke story after the fact. I hate drama, so I just handle the check and go on my merry way. I know that I have yet to be taken on a date where I haven't paid for anything..including myself. But I'm still young..lol

  15. If I go dutch, one of two things have occurred – I'm out by myself or I'm with some friends. Most of my male friends who are "just friends" pay for things when we hang out–that's just how they are. I do think the man should be the one footing the bill on a date. Okay, now I'm going back to my little corner on the web. I feel a blog post coming on.

  16. i'm with minnie..we put just as much if not more effort and time into the dates…at least I do..haircuts (and please don't compare prices)..everything a woman does is at least 2x more than what a man has to get done..waxing, manicures, pedicures, and the time it takes for us to get ready, youguys hop in the shower and you're done!…and most likely we will drive to the first date so we have the gas expense as well..I like to have my car near in case the dude is crazy..so that's gas, time, primping and pampering, etc…and you're right we get what a free meal..WOW! I always bring cash with me JUST IN CASE! and I always come with a gift…

  17. @YoungBelizean: Yeah, your young. I think I saw 18. For me it wasn't until around graduation at the ripe age of 22 where I felt justified in always paying.

    @geegee: Where do they make girls like you? I swear if I attracted the type of girls that my blog did, I would have a lot less complaints! A gift!!!

    But, your truly underestimating how much effort we put into getting ready, and I don't think most girls are getting manicures or pedicures for just a date.

    Every single thing you have to do, we have to do also. In addition we have added responsibilities to ensure a well executed first date. As antidater said, the burden is on us to impress. The ONLY argument that I'm hearing is it takes women longer to get ready. OH BOY … that makes it all so equal.

  18. @ all the ladies

    "Oh my hair! My nails!"

    Geez. Do you still blame guys for incurring hair salon expenses when you don't go on a date? You probably go to the salon on a weekly basis already.

    Of course a guy will need help planning the date. The man is "on the hook" for planning a date that is suppossed to be "off the hook". Old school theory: the date is about treating the woman and showing her a good time. Unless you have put in substanstial time on the phone AND your ESP is working – you will not know how to create "the perfect date" for the woman.

    Thus, the onus is on the man to pay and not screw up. The woman gets free entertainment and a free meal. Many women like to "meet up" rather than get "picked up" – it's their choice and their gas $. Just when I thought there was no such thing as a "free lunch".

  19. sbm…with age comes maturity and unselfishness…I want to be treated a certain way and I mirror that in my relationships…I'm sure, no I'm positive my attitude years ago was totally different..size did matter, how much money he makes was important, all of that. Most of this still matters but now I have my own…so I'm not too much focused on him. Heck I'd be happy with a boy toy right about now! {but thats another post} and no I'm not a cougar! HAHA!

  20. Now I do agree with Anti on this one. You ask me out, you pay and you plan. Feel free to ask me for suggestions though.

    And I advise every woman to meet the man for the first few dates. I live alone and I'm not trying to have you all up in my spot unless I invite you or feel comfortable having you there.

  21. @antidater: we aren't *blaming* anyone..we were just comparing expenses..men expect us to LOOK nice cuz TRUST ME if my hair is looking all crazy you will talk about it to your boys the next day! and if my hands and feet are not manicured and pedicured perfectly then you will surely turn your nose up! and whats the big deal about paying for a meal??…its our company that you are getting in return..instead of being alone eating a hungry jack meal you are in the presence of someone that is actually listening to what you have to say..isn't that worth it??

  22. @Anti: I'm shocked we actually have to defend our point? I thought it was obvious to all we are given the burden of impressing on first dates.

    @geegee: I'm sorry, but there are few thing I disagree with more than "paying for company". Like I have money to waste just so I don't sit by myself. Guys who just "love" the company of a good female, and pay their ways just to avoid eating solo … should all be locked up for a very long time and go through a very intensive rehabilitation program. Its assinine to think that female conversation is worth so much, especially when your easily talking about $50 to $150 just for dinner and drinks. But then again … maybe thats just me! If I want to exchange money for attention, I'll get a lapdance.

  23. @Tiffany: Your right, the burden is on us. Just please agree that we have to go through more though as a result … please.

    @geegee: Although we don't see eye to eye on this money for time concept … we can still make it work. Said you want a boy toy …

  24. wow so sbm what do you intend to get out of a date that you've admitted to spending lots of time and money on if not the enjoyment of her company?? You started off with saying how expensive it is…men vs. women…we've stated that women put just as much time and effort if not more..so tell me why are you so generous on dates?/ to me it all evens out in the wash

  25. @geegee: A good date is an investment in Mrs. SBM. I don't go on dates because I really enjoy restaraunt X and I needed a companion, I have friends for that. I go on dates because I have an honest and earnest hope that something better will come out of the time and effort I spent. Its a sunk cost that is an investment into something bigger.

  26. @SBM i think this is just a peak into life after marriage. Women say it therefore it must be so. There is absolutely, positively NO WAY that they could be wrong(sarcasm). Hair and nails! Hair and nails! They were gonna get it done anyway but let's make it count like a hanging chad (I am from Florida and I did vote – if it counted – in 2000)

    SBM, perhaps we should debate why we go this one wrong? (more sarcasm)

  27. Dang I been missing the action all day (Busy at work I guess) Antidater had that video on his blog about dating fatigue. It gave a point about first dates basically saying don't over do it men and women so if yall spending all that money its your bad my man. And don't be like oh well its my job to take her to a nice place honestly if she that pressed about taking her out on the first date spending money on a fancy no more than $50 dollar date acting like yall breaking the bank then she might not be worth the time anyways. Not saying yall need to chill at the crib but damn a coffee shop might save u time money and heart ache stop being a simp or whatever and maybe u might end up not complaining so much!!

  28. God bless you Mikki! I am feeling that…the only problem is that a lot of women like that $100+ plate. And coffee is cool – as long as its after the wine and the lobster.

    I believe in the inexpensive first date. A trip to the museum (free in DC), a walk in the park, a coffee shop, a Jazz festival, etc. The point is to get to know the woman and NOT break the bank. The problem comes when women equate money spent to how much a guy likes them. Women want the nice dinner date – especially on a first date. It's a woman's job to try to maximize the value on the first date. Frankly, a lot of women don't get off on coffee…

  29. SBM…the things you mentioned could set the stage for a romantic date: A trip to the museum (not free where I am), a walk in the park, a coffee shop, a Jazz festival.

    I think most women still want romance.

  30. @ antidater if a woman equates an expensive dinner to how much you are feeling her that’s a red flag and your eventually going to get got, I will take romance and actual though put into something inexpensive vs. $100 + plate cuz that’s not something I want to brag to my girls about. if you spend that much money on me at dinner im thinking you’re a ditz cuz Id rather have $100 in my pocket and we can go to McDonalds and hit that free museum, that makes for a much better story to me than “oh well we went to dinner” and I just keep thinking about how $100 on dinner coulda been my new pair of shoes lol.

  31. SBM: What type of women are you dealing with where you are dropping a bill on a first date??? Is that a DC thing?? I mean I like a nice dinner too but you can go a lot of places and not spend that much money…

  32. @Sheila: You do realize that was anti-dater who listed those spots. I do agree with you 100% that they do make good and romantic dates, but even some girls will really call you out on stuff like that.

    @Tiffany: Maybe it is a DC thing. I don't think I have ever dropped a whole bill on a first date, but got close once ($75+). If I can keep it under $40 generally speaking, it was a cheap date. Women love dinner, and it the most expensive thing. I need to take a year off and go to culinary school just so I can be like "Why go out … let world renowned Chef SBM cook for you"

  33. Ha ha. I hear you SBM. I mentioned the romantic dates with full knowledge that it ain't happening with the sistuhs in DC. They want something substantive, i.e., dinner at a nice restaurant.

    I do hate to mention this as it might double the comments but – I have been asked out by a few women who thought differently. They suggested a walk in the park or a Blockbuster night for a first date. The only problem – they were white.

  34. @Sheila: Can't date what doesn't exist …

    I had one girl tell me that offering to cook dinner just comes of as cheap and tacky, and she was the first female to ever complain about my taste in wine. Lets say she got dropped like she was going out of style (looked at her like "they still make ya'll"), ADD was in full force.

  35. SBM, then she was the fool. Good thing you dropped her because she let you know from the jump she was high maintenance and I don't mean that in a good way.

    I swear you guys are having just as much bad luck meeting good women as single black women are meeting good black men.

    There should be a central meeting place. I listen (well read) some of the headaches you all go through and then think about the single women that I know and there are plenty who would take a romantic date over an expensive dinner. Most would love the fact that you put some thought into the date…cater to the person. Now of course if they only want a 5 course meal, then, maybe that's not the one for you. But don't get me wrong, you should treat the person you're going out with like a queen. But it doesn't have to be expensive. Like Mikki said in an earlier post, I would rather you just give me the 100 and I can buy me some books…lol but spending it on food I'll be like this man is irresponsible. Now if you're bankling like Trump, that's just a drop in the bucket, so that would be overlooked.

  36. @Sheila: Yeah, writing this blog gives me hope. I have found the true oasis of good black women. I have found out where you all hide … and its online in the comments sections of black blogs! If some how I could only make this work in the real world.

    Maybe I should start going back to open mike night and poetry readings. Maybe that will be the real world equivalent.

    I swear … once it gets warm again … Busboys & Poets all day everyday!

  37. @ Shelia

    Hmmm. You have a point Shelia. There are women out there who prefer the romantic date. I haven't seen one since college. How do we find them Shelia? Where do they hang out at? I see a "Shelia's Guide to Avoiding Goldiggers" coming in the near future…

  38. @Antidater: I feel like we have been "attempting" that for the past few years. We need to get some women to do the organizing.

    Or maybe every female on here is some dude and this is some elaborate "Truman Show" fantasy.

  39. SBM/Antidater, I might have to do some reasearch on this issue (I know how I feel, my friends and the other ladies that frequent your blog feel. But since you've brought up the issue, apparently there is a problem…a gap somewhere in between the sexes.).

    P.S. – Antidater, good book title…I can see it in Neon Lights now 🙂

  40. A 46" wouldn't impress me much with a guy…I've got my own..LOl well, it's 42 but…hey it's in the realm of large tv's

    I'd go for the law degree even if i was sitting at home with a black and white tv/vcr combo


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