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The Throwback: Giving your ex one more chance


The Throwback … not just a jersey from an old team … not just an old school song that reminds you of high school (or college) … but something you may have sitting on your couch right now.

Most relationships end in failure … but sometimes you thing back to an old one and wonder “why”? Sometimes when you think back about why you and that “special” person didn’t work out you realize something … maybe you weren’t mature enough … or maybe they weren’t mature enough … or maybe it was that crack problem and you being tired of your TV being stolen once a week. Whatever it was … sometimes you think … “Maybe things are different now”.

Lets take a quick second to define The Throwback

Someone you had a previous relationship or temporary dating situation with, but it didn’t work out. This person is trying to make a comeback, is being considered for a comeback, or has is has already made a comeback.

Basically … someone you dated before who you are looking to date again.

The throwback is an interesting situation with two major schools of thought:

  1. This person didn’t work out the first time around … your a damn fool for thinking different now!
  2. People change, people grow, things happen … stop living in the past!
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The truth of the matter is … people do change … life experiences can cause a “paradigm shift” and bring about new understanding, emotional adjustment and attitude towards life. Major life changing moments such as the death of a parent, a nasty break-up, getting someone pregnant, or losing a job can bring about the self reflection needed to change a person’s attitude for the better. Also, there was something you liked about this person before. Maybe it was the thing they did with their tounge, the way they held you at night, or what she did for you in the car!

On the other hand, change doesn’t come around easy and people lie. Real change is hard … faking change isn’t. Someone who knows you well and knows what about them you don’t like can “change” their behavior just long enough for them to get that $500 off you, get their rent paid, or get that good p*ssy they have been without.

The SBM has entertained a couple throwbacks in his time. Since my Relationship ADD has brought about an early end to many potential “future baby’s mamas wives” … I have thought “maybe they deserve a second chance … maybe it was me”. Sadly, I almost always just remember all the reasons I stopped calling in the first place … and things end up bad … well … not always bad (sometimes I’m “compensated” for my time) … but she never regains the thrown.

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So … throwbacks … I can’t say they’re bad … I can’t say they’re good … but just make sure they got off “that stuff” before you bring them back in your house!


  1. Having done it; I can say with NO HESITATION that 95% of the time it won't work the second time. Leave the past where it is. If you made his ass black history the first time, that reason is still valid!

  2. @Tiffany: Thats my general thought too … but then again I have hit some a$$hole moves in my time … so maybe it really was my fault.

    But in general, I'm a nice guy … so a person brings out the inner a$$ usually … and they will continue to do it.

  3. I am infamous for letting the throwback..comeback…considering my single status, none of them has worked out. There is just apart of me that believe in second chances. But right now I'm on this other tangent…Captain save a thug..lol

  4. My motto: An Ex is an Ex for a reason and shall remain an EX.

    Experience has taught me that going back isn't the right thing to do. Yes, the person appears to be different–well in time we all grow…but underneath the initial appearance, is the same person…the same quirks that irritated you before are still there, but maybe not as prominent. After getting over the initial excitement of being back together, the layers start peeling off and reality sets in–this man is still the same man he was before…just older and a little more maturer.

  5. @Monique: LOL @ Maintenance. If throwbacks are good for one thing, it is that. You already know the quirks, and if it was good before … it should be good this time.

    @YBL: "Captain Save a thug" … say it aint so. That was my #1 pet peeve with girls in college … they love a thug.

    @Sheila: Seems like there is a lot less variance on the topic than I thought. I figured someone has had some luck with a throwback.

  6. "@Tiffany: Thats my general thought too … but then again I have hit some a$$hole moves in my time … so maybe it really was my fault.

    But in general, I’m a nice guy … so a person brings out the inner a$$ usually … and they will continue to do it."


    SBM how many damn times are you gonna remind us that you are a nice GUY (I mean that very lovingly and coming from your "sister site"????? 🙂

    I generally agree with Sheila and Tiffany.

    But if your conscience is wearing on you-perhaps YOU were the problem. That is possible you know. I can think of two relationships that I royally fyked up (no one ever wants to believe it was them). One when I was 19 and one at 25. I talked to the former guy once and 10 years later he remembers EVERYTHING I DID TO END THE RELATIONSHIP, down to what I said-and the date I changed my number. He was VERY VERY sour. And would have even made a great friend. But with him I put the "A" in az#z.

  7. @YBL: OK … I'll hold off more comments until I have read it. Don't want to jump to conclusions now …

    @Comeback: Man … I get no love anymore. Just can't do right. Just trying to say that the inner a$$ is usually unheard from.

    I remember reading one of your posts about dating yourself and the personal growth you have gone/going through. I find myself in some of that, so I often think if it was me or them for my old "situations". Usually though … it was just not meant to be … no one person in particular.

  8. Man oh man, i've been down that road with going back to the ex and completely writing them off and i'm with Shelia on the "an ex is an ex for a reason". It never ended up well, ever.

    Regardless of it it was you, or them, there's a reason that you broke up and before you consider giving your ex that second chance those reasons for why you broke up should be reevaluated….Carefully.

  9. SBM of COURSE I got love for you (otherwise I wouldn't be here everyday)– I feel like this is FOL!!!!


    I will say the idea of it being you (or evaluating your role in its demise) is IMPORTANT. I mean us ladies get a bad wrap on baggage all the time. But men bring it TOO and ALOT OF IT.

    Part of the problem (IMHO) with the breakdown between black women and men is that we both point the finger at each other. When you do better you attract better, you maintain better relationships, and bytch less.

  10. I did once. Funny, he broke up with me right before I left the country. When I got back (9 months later) he told me he missed me, that he made a mistake, and that he wanted to try again. We got back together–it lasted a week.

    Since I left the country I was forced to not to think about him–I had to learn how to navigate around a new city and new culture. Such an experience made me into a different person so when I got back, I didnt even look at him the same. I actually had a hard time being his friend let alone his girlfriend. As a result, the second breakup was by far the hardest.

    So once was enough! I wont do it again. We broke up for a reason….

  11. Its usually not worth going back for a second go-round. My rule is…once its over, its REALLY over.

    And I don't mean that by "ok we broke up but we're still talking once in a while to see if we can get it together" no, I'm talking about "once we stop talking and even if I haven't moved on to anyone else, i'm still not coming back"

    Nine times out of ten, the peron may have matured but you ideas of eachother are always the same. Not gonna work.

  12. @YBL: Ok, your talking about your friend … that is completely different.

    @B.Price: I'm starting to wonder if anyone has a sucess story. Isn't your "situation" close to a throwback?

    @MephizSoul: Thank you for noticing that joke. I was starting to think the ex crackhead was the norm so nobody noticed that part.

    @Comeback: I do agree on the finger pointing. Cause I know its not me … its these crazy chics (jk). But it is so easy to think like that.

    @Allison & Hunnie: I guess things rarely do ever change.


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