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Sickness: Taking care of your boyfriend/girlfriend

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I’m actually sick and it kind of sucks. I won’t go into the specifics, but if I don’t feel better tomorrow, the doctor is going to be called. So if this post is lacking … blame it on the illness.

Missing work led to a discussion with a former interest of mine about being sick and caring for another person. I made a strong argument that one reason we didn’t work out is because she didn’t care for me when I was sick.

Early on when we were dating, she got a little cough and asked me to come care for her. I got some soup and orange juice and tried to make her feel good.



A few weeks later when I found myself a little sick, I called her for assistance. I told her I needed someone to “nurse me to health” … she chuckled and started talking about something else … giving me some BS excuse about why she couldn’t do it.

This wasn’t the last incident … but it was the first time her selfishness became apparent.

She wasn’t my girlfriend, but all the time I spent with her … you wouldn’t have been able to tell.  Are you only expected to nurse somebody if their your official boyfriend or girlfriend?  I figure … if you sleep over more than 3 times in any week … then you can bring me some chicken soup.

See Also:  Being With Someone But Your Heart Is Elsewhere

Was I wrong for asking her to make me feel better? Doesn’t asking someone for something and refusing to return the favor define selfishness? Was I asking too much?

Comment(45)

  1. no u wasnt wrong for asking her… it seemed like ya'll was really close and I would think she would of did the same for you… but she didnt so I would be pissed! Some people dont have bed side manners.

  2. no u weren't wrong ….especially after you caught HER cold…

    that ws selfish…even if she wasnt going to stick around for fear that she may get sick again, she could have at least brought you a few items: DVDs that's you'd like, juice, soup, tissue and medicine. She could have brought them over, administered the medicine, popped in your dvd and went on about her business.

  3. didn mean to hit submit yet! …lol DOUBLE POST —-> Just be glad you found out early enough instead of getting SERIOUSLY involved and figuring that mess out when it REALLY REALLY counted (ex. you crash your car and she isn't willing to come pick u up cause your car is ablaze in a ditch!)

  4. Sorry, you're not feeling well. One test to see if someone really cares about you is to get sick and see if they show concern. I kicked 2 men to the curb during the dating stage when I got sick because of their lack of concern. Nothing was ever the same–I lost interest in them because if you can't be their for a simple cold or flu; then what if in the future it's something that may require a hospital visit…NEXT…move on.

  5. Being taken care of when your sick is a good indicator that some one really does care enough to look out. If They can't even drop off some o.j or soup then to the left to the left!!!

  6. The frustrated social theorist/psychologist (I'm going back to school in a few years and live the rest of my 40s+ as a psychologist/writer) believes that you're not on the same page with homegirl. There is a disconnect in expectations (even as a friend). I don't really like the word "selfish" in its natural context because EVERYONE IS SELFISH. Everyone in any relationship (business/personal) wants to get their needs met. The balance (simmer down Anti!!!) is well….the balance.

    I think sometimes we get amnesia when a relationship/platonic/booty call or otherwise changes. On some level if say we were just in a sexual maintainance relationship –I would feel some kind of way if I got a call and you asked to "nurse me back to health". Our relationship isn't about the physical/mental wellness its sexual.

    Maybe you "nursing her" had to do less with an actual illness-than just making her feel better-or even balancing some of the sexual roles.

    I quirky frustrated metaphysical woo woo person further believes that being/feeling sick is often a call to nuture not only our body but also our mind. No woman can really give that to you-though she could inspire it.

    feel better soon

    CBG

  7. See disagree on some level. my feelings towards this is (unless that person clearly has a significant other to come to there aid) then YOU not as a boyfriend or girlfriend but as a friend helpt them out. I have had "friends" come to my aid many of times without all that other b/s in the middle. if im sick im sick regardless of who or what I am or was you should help me!!! unless i slashed your tires or something then I might not even call u lol.

  8. Further more SBM I think your comment about "nursing me back to health" came off as "bring me ass please" I woulda took it that way and not came to your aid. (if you said it how i think you did) which I aint gonna put nothing past you lol.

  9. I agree Mikki as a FRIEND. I would come and whipe your snotty nose/sing songs/joke and kid (and give a little sermon on mind/body wellness).

    BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

    when we talking sex partner/buddy the rules change. Its hard for me to seperate love and sex and so I can only think of one sex buddy in all my life and my expectations were managed by the limited role he fullfilled.

  10. so as nice as I think I am..im not sure how well received "come nurse me back to health" would be if he asked. I think I would expect my "friend with benefits" to be just as virile as he always is.

  11. I have a friend who "CLAIMS" she can do it and is doing it and she is a year older than I am. Maybe she is the Alpha female.

    I personally have never seen it done with my own eyes and her situation gets a little suspect when we hang out. But if it works for her "in her own head". I'm all for it.

  12. I can definitely separate love and sex… you can fall in love w/o having sex and can have sex w/o being in love, right? Or maybe that's just me. But I digress.

    I've never had a "buddy" that I wasn't friends with. By friends I mean that at the very least, we can kick it and have a conversation or two outside of "what time you comin over?" 'Cause you probably shouldn't be having sex with someone who you don't like and respect as a person, regardless of love, due to the always possible outcome of offspring.

    Therefore, there's no reason why he or I shouldn't be able to bring the other a lil' care package in time of need. Especially if we're spending 2 or 3 nights a week together. Girlfriend/Boyfriend or not.

    Ole' girl was selfish. Period. And SBM- hope you get well soon. I'm just coming back into the world after battling the flu for the past 3 days so I feel your pain. Especially being a SBF who's under the weather 😉

  13. @Memphizsoul: That was one big thing for me. I had just came to her aid when she called me, but she wasn't trying to return the favor.

    @Hunnie: Thanks for peeping where I caught the cold from. Thought no one would connect those dots.

    @Sheila: I feel you. If you can't care for me when its needed … what are you really about? Thanks for the well wishes.

    @Dejanae: Yeah … maybe she also caught eboli the night before … lol

  14. @Comeback & Mikki: Had to read the comments like 3 times before I could figure out what side of the argument you fell on, but I'll go forward anyway.

    Thanks for the advice CBL. Haven't had any water all day … and I been thinking about that.

    I don't know where sex came into the equation of why you think "Nurse me to health" meant something extra. We weren't having sex yet, we were dating hardcore (4-6 face-to-faces a week & hours of phone time), and she actually had come up with the "nurse me back to health" when she was sick.

    Honestly, I had liked her and was trying to be a good honest guy and maybe even drop the S on my chest … but this was just act one in a string of selfishness.

    I think she had me jaded for a minute too.

  15. @ Dark & Stormy: Exactly! I was spending 2-3 nights (if not more) a week, just chilling and talking. Sleeping over, bringing stuff, and being nice. One of my softer moments to be honest … but I thought it was crazy that she wouldn't come bring me some juice and soup.

    I actually talked to her today (yeah, we chat … but thats it) and posed her the question (she doesn't know about the blog). She said "If your not officially my man … then why should I care".

    Wow …

    Why would I commit to being your man when you act like that during the courtship.

  16. Well SBM I misread then. I just assumed with all the talk and outlines of how much you like sex that her and you spending the night 3 times a week meant you all were……um….active.

    But you are sexless buddies. totally different.

    I actually am looking for a man who ONLY wants to be my friend. Maybe me and many of my friends who have it slightly going on–maybe there is something wrong with us. But the men that I meet and know–don't exactly want to be my friend.

    true dat a romantic relationship is built on friendship…but I never want to be my man's buddy, homie, partna (there is a difference) and perhaps thats disconnect to.

    lastly SBM I think you are confused on defintions. Having things "undefined" does that give you better control. She's not your girlfriend, then in parts of your assessment its a courtship, you dig her, she and you spend the night. I'm confused!!!!

    and perhaps so is she.

  17. Haven’t had any water all day

    ————

    SBM all joking around aside. Drinking water is VERY VERY IMPORTANT particularly when you aren't feeling well. Your body is made up of mostly water and throughout the day its expelled from your body multiple ways–you gotta DRINK WATER. Dehydration causes all kind of crazy stuff to go on in your body including crankines (or a mild depression), exhaustion etc.

    Instead of that old salty ass soup you've been craving…you should also be juicing and eating a lot of leafy veggies (collards, kale etc etc).

    —————-

    She said “If your not officially my man … then why should I care”.

    SBM I re-read to find out that you ARE having sex with the girl. Though you said you werent at some point. HELLO my man, sex changes EVERYTHING please believe it. Even people who pretend it doesn't. IT SO DOES. It doesn't make her a heartless Bytch. It makes her a woman who has tried to compartmentalize sex and roles of "relationships".

  18. @COmeback: Looks like more explanation is needed. I liked this girl a lot. We were dating, chilling, spending the night, talking, and doing "some things" … but we weren't sexually active … yet.

    At the time, we were dating and moving to something. You act like a guy has never had to wait for the p*ss before.

    Anyways, within week 1 or 2 she got sick … within week 3 or 4 I got sick.

    I honestly liked her so much … I waited more than 4 weeks … which means something.

    Yet … she couldn't help me during my illness. Thats a shame

  19. Ahhhhh. Jaded? I know how THAT feels. I've made a chick kick rocks for much less. Ol' girl could get on wit dat bull$h^t. She was selfish – straight up.

    Btw, let's remember to detach our penises and vaginas from our hearts when dealing with jump-offs and f-buddies. I'm just sayin…

  20. sbm

    so when did the sexual relations occur. You keep mentioning "it hadn't happened yet" thats still past (future) tense. Please explain?

    —————–

    "Btw, let’s remember to detach our penises and vaginas from our hearts when dealing with jump-offs and f-buddies"

    -anti please remove vagina from discussion because I've never seen it successfully happen. Those women who pretend it can work don't have successful relationships-because on some level they are waiting for the lightbulb to go off in his heart. IT DOESN"T HAPPEN. you've already showed the man "how you get down" generally with all your "friends". Just because gloria steinman and alice walker told your mamma it was possible. ITS NOT.

    and to me your life should be the indicator.

  21. @Comeback: You have got to be f*cking kidding me! I really liked the girl. I was trying to form something serious. I didn't rush the sex, I tried to be nice, I tried to know her this time … and here I am getting roasted.

    I give up … I just can't win.

    I'm not treating anymore of these chics nicely … whats the purpose when your always the bad guy!

  22. SBM are you coming at me as hydrated or dehydrated? you are really hyped!!!

    as you say "rub your ears and woo sawwwwwww"

    I’m not treating anymore of these chics nicely … whats the purpose when your always the bad guy!"

    SBM you are killing me with this nice guy stuff. Almost every post you remind all of us how nice you are. On some level are people (esp. women) telling you that you aren't? do you believe them? I do think you are a nice guy so chill out and drink some damn water.

    All I'm saying is after doing a Steve Harvey with your post–I picked on other unmentioned variables.

    I AM NOT SAYING YOU RUSHED THE SEX. Its not about WHEN YOU EVEN HAD THE SEX.

    THE POINT IS THAT YOU HAD IT. AND SHE WAS NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND and YOU WERE NOT IN AN "OFFICAL" relationship (her words). I mean I don't have any real judgements. It just perplexes me when women complain about not getting what they want from men that aren't really theres ON ANY LEVEL. Sex won't make him yours. Chicken Noodle Soup (with a soda on the side) won't do it either.

    I think that she is starting to get it. And you don't. Maybe you and she need to have a come to Jesus. This can work. But a discussion has to happen.

  23. "I tried to know her this time" ????

    i need to take my azz to bed. Cause this confuses me too. What the hell happened last time. Stop giving me half azz posts I have to channel Sherlock Holmes to read.

  24. @Comeback: I had some water. The situation is over with … she was too selfish for me. But the point is, when I asked her to care for me, I had already "nursed her" and we didn't have sex yet.

    I just want someone to explain to me why she thought she didn't need to return the favor.

  25. Dang I just missed the whole conversation. ah well just don't post again til im done talkin!!

    either comeback is reading way to much into this or sbm is NOT telling the truth and the whole truth about everything that went down exactly. at anyrate I think im getting sick now!!! just kidding.

  26. @SMB: Hey what can I say..I'm a dot-connector, baby connecting dots is what I do!

    just a little deductive reasoning is all it requires…LOL

    Seriously though…i mean tto ask…did she ever offer any excuse?

  27. @Mikki: *sigh* … Yes … I am telling the truth

    @Hunnie: I feel like she did offer some BS, and thats one reason why I called her back and asked her about it yesterday … so she could confirm the selfishness … which she did.

  28. Mikki

    There are holes in this story!!!!! Ain't no need to read into anything. You will notice that every argument that SBM feels as though he is losing he follows up with "I am a nice guy"!!!! I do believe that he is OVERALL -but he does have jerky tendencies.

  29. Part of the problem is that he plays the victim role well. Every woman seems to have done something wrong TO HIM.

    And I still don't know the story behind this one: “I tried to know her this time” !!

  30. "I’ve never seen it successfully happen. Those women who pretend it can work don’t have successful relationships-because on some level they are waiting for the lightbulb to go off in his heart. IT DOESN”T HAPPEN."

    Key word in that first sentence is "I", meaning you CBG. You cannot speak for every woman. It does and has worked for me because I am not looking for a lightbulb to go off in the heart of a jumpoff. That's because I am not lying to myself about what could be or should be with that person… There are plenty of chicks holding their breath for the wrong person or reasons- maybe you've been that chick before. I have been that chick when I was young, blind, and could not see.

    Antidater said it perfectly. Detach. Not everyone can handle that but some of us can.

  31. @Comeback: Me the victim. I'm hurt. Why am I always being attacked. Oh God … I'm gonna cry.

    HA! Man. Maybe I should stop bitching … naw

    @Dark & Stormy: I feel you. I see Comebacks argument that its a lot easier for guys, but to say that no woman can detach her self from sex is a blanket statement … like all Black Women are selfish … and I'll be the first to say that this story is about one woman … not all.

  32. "I see Comebacks argument that its a lot easier for guys, but to say that no woman can detach her self from sex is a blanket statement"

    You're right because apparently men (some men) have a hard time with that too. hmmmm SBM???

  33. @Comeback: I don't make blanket statements if thats what your implying.

    Otherwise I would have called all black women some pretty bad things … lol … but I'm happy.

    I think you really hate it when I mention your name in a post. Its cause I love you … don't get mad.

  34. @ SBM

    As a final note–a quote for you!(i've actually been meaning to add my personal fave quotes to my blog but been procrastinating)

    This happens to be MY SECOND favorite quote of ALL time that I will continue to carry with me because it rings TRUE for ALL people you may encounter in life:

    "When someone shows you who they are the first time, BELIEVE THEM!"

    -Maya Angelou

    But I think you've already got the hang of it! 🙂

  35. @Hunnie: Lol … I might have to frame that and put that up in my house. I'll tap to it every time I have company (the hidden "act right" sign).

  36. hey this is very old blog but i read it all.

    suprised that why SBM didn't think by her throwing the not ya girlfriend meaning she may want to be?? well good luck on whatever you is doing! Sincerely La Latina=)

  37. lol, CBG really seems to have had it out for you. In a loving way, I'm sure.

    The long and short of it is that homegirl was selfish. Whether or not lines were blurred between friends, sex-buddies, and relationship partners, the fact of the matter is that she asked you to do something in her time of need and didn't step up when it was her turn to do so.

    I can't stand to spend 1/4 of that amount of time with someone I don't care for, and can't imagine not going over to at least attempt to brighten his day. Heck, I've ended up stranded in the cold after a 1+ hr commute because someone disobeyed my instructions and didn't sit his ass home so as to get better. I'd wanted to surprise him with some Halls, oh-so-soft unmanly tissue , and cuddle loving. Thank goodness he didn't end up passing that crap on to me.. I'd've kicked his behind.

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