Home Men Say Hello To The Bad Guy: Death of the “Nice Guy”

Say Hello To The Bad Guy: Death of the “Nice Guy”


Jay Z: The Bad Guy


I can be often heard professing examples of how nice of a guy I am. I have attempted to expose my soft and romantic side to the world. I have suppressed the jaded anger that I have accumulated over the years. I have tried to be nice … but no matter what … I guess I will always be the bad guy.

Before I continue … this is dedicated to my sister by another mother … The Comeback Girl … because I just can’t win.

A comment from my recent post made me think, as a Single Black Male, I don’t get a break. I came to this conclusion back in college, and as time goes on … it has gotten better … but we continue to get blamed for the negative actions of our counterparts … until we transform into them … seeing no benefit in being “good”. When I say we … I mean us “good” guys … the nice ones.

Lets examine the transformation of the “nice guy”.

He starts out on a search for a queen. He knows that any black woman worth his time must be wooed and have her car door opened. He must pursue and chase her … to show his interest. Sure … he hasn’t found her yet … but he is undeterred and has found some “potentials” … even after getting crushed by some former interests.

See Also:  #YesAllWomen and #AllMenCan Takeover Twitter and Spark Conversation

Soon … he gets a little dejected. It seems that many of these “potential queens” seem to have baggage. They seem to expect him to treat them bad, sleep with them and not call, and overall disrespect them. The more he tries to prove to them he is different, they say “bullsh*t”. They tell him “Your no different”. But he continues on.

Now he can’t take it anymore. He is tired of trying so hard and having women blame him over and over again for the wrongdoings of blatantly bad guys. He hates that these guys who are misogynistic, disrespectful, mean to women … and yet gets more women then him. What to do … ?

The transformation is complete. He is not the asshole that every woman claims to hate, yet is so attracted to. He simply realized its easier to be bad, and he will get more women.

Another good guy gone bad.

Its a shame we get blamed for the actions of our counterparts. Not even all Germans are blamed for the act of the Nazi’s … and we have reached a point where we don’t blame every white person for slavery … but … guess we don’t get a break.


  1. @Comeback: No youtube at work … guess I'll have to wait. But since Mikki is laughing … I will pre-emptively say … I still love you CBG … even though you treat me so bad.

    @Mikki: It better be funny.

  2. SBM

    So I guess you must be feeling better cause you're back at work and posting in all your delusional glory!!! And I did rightly predict minutes before this post that you ONST AGAIN yes ONST AGAIN will always proclaim that you are a nice guy particularly when you feel pushed in a corner.

    "thou protest (nice guy) too much me thinks".

  3. @Comeback: I'm feeling better, but not good. Made the doctor's appointment for next week and will have to call everyday to see if I can get it bumped.

    Sorry if I'm so sweet that drip sugar all over the keyboard and my niceness comes out of my mouth a lot. Being nice is like breathing … so forgive me if I inadvertently let it roll of the tounge.

  4. I agree…one of my male friends told me that he was going to start treating women "dirty" b/c thats what they seem to want…it's sad but the truth…but not for all women!

  5. @SBM: Goood, my young apprentice! Welcome to the Dark Side of the Force. You are only jaded if you are looking at reality.

    Time and time again I wanted to be nice but I have only gotten what I wanted when I was a "bad boy". If I don't call, act like an ass, make asshole comments, act forecfully – then I get EVERYTHING I want.

    This really sucks for good guys. Even in a relationship – a guy needs to be a bit of an asshole otherwise his woman gets bored.

  6. @Memphizsoul: Its crazy. Its like you want to be nice … but you realize it justs hurts you. I guess the same applies to women too … kind of.

    @Antidater: Lol. I'm no more jaded than I was last week. Post is a not as SBM specific as you might think.

    @Mikki: Don't be sad.

    @YBL: WTF?

  7. When I see both you and Anti…both of yall are gonna get slapped in the head for this.


    First off:

    1. You get what you expect. I'm sorry that the science minded number crunchers in you both refuse to believe the role that metaphyics plays in human life. Thought is energy. And if it can affect the composition of the body-certainly it affects your perception and what shows up. My Mama (who is so not metaphysical) always says you find anything you look hard enough for. Thats to the negative and positive.

    If you expect to find women who have the same complaints about the same men. Those women show up. In fact you wouldn't even notice a woman who believes that men are different as the day is long.

    Secondly SBM (SPECIFICALLY) you do play the victim well. Take some damn ownership of some of your relationships demise. It takes two to tango. And we attract who we are ready for. The way you are talking now-do you think a high caliber woman with perspective and maturity would even want you-with all your damn sob stories and victim mentality.

    Lastly no one can "transform" you into anything without your permission. And I always say when bad things repeatedly happen to "good people" on some level what is repeatedly happening to them SERVES THEM. THERE IS SOME REWARD IN constantly attracting the same people, constantly attracting the same boss, same boyfriend, same husband, same friends.

  8. I think your reward is your ability to bytch about it. I mean hell thats what your whole blog is about. If your life worked (love wise) what would happen to this blog? You live to bytch-just face it. It serves its purpose right now. You've created a strong following based on these complaints.

    Let the record show that when you come into the light your sister from another mister will still be here cheering you on.

  9. @Comeback: Wow. I think I just got roasted.

    Because my heart is no longer black and jaded, I honeslty don't feel like starting a multi-day, multi-post, back and forth argument like last time.

    I guess I'm going to have to increase my range of topics if thats how you feel. Sure, I have had a couple of posts that exuded my "jaded" demeanor … but honestly … I'm good with things.

    Honestly, I don't know why you think I'm so mad. I like to talk about random things, but I'm not mad at the death of a nice guy. Merely an observation. Actually, in terms of relationships and stuff … haven't been this good in a long time (I guess I should put out the status out there … but maybe not).

    Are you mad cause I called that old girl selfish? Did it bring back memories of guys u left to fend for themselves?

    Your so mad Comeback. Its gonna be ok. You wanna go and talk about it over some ice cream? My treat …

  10. I don't want your sorry azz icecream!!!! lol I'm not mad at all. I only seem to get your attention when I put the Caps on Lock.

    I'm not mad because you called her selfish. I'm perplexed because you threw out bits and pieces of information and then wanted to clarify–and throw out little more here and there…still leaving major holes.

    Your premise is faulty on several accounts. I still maintain that sex was involved. I think you concur, but before when you made her some soup you were just romper room buddies. But you were courting her. I do believe (And I have a feeling you will deny it) that sex was had AFTER this soup confession went down in which she wouldn't bring you any.

    The bottom line is it has less to do about what you and others who feel its a great advantage to be a man's buddie/partna/road dog (and then want to empower yourself by calling it a jumpoff (must be a 20s thing)–and everything to do about expectations and sex.

  11. My, what creative reasoning skills you have Comeback. Not deductive or inductive – just creative. So, SBM is a victim because he *wants to be? I ain't got nothing but love for ya (no ice cream here) but your argument is one-sided.

    Life is random. Things don't just all fall into place becuase you "will" them to. Crazy things like 9/11 and Katrina happen. You meet the love of your life when you meet them.

    "The Secret" implies that the opportunity of a lifetime only comes when you have prepared yourself for it. That's kind of like someone being 100% prepared to be president – ain't no training like OJT. Sometimes things like love happen when you don't deserve it and you're not ready. Hence, sometimes "will" has to move out of the way…


    I'm not going to get into 9/11, Katrina or the Tsunami. But I will say this in all cases alot of what looked like a horrible ending also translated into new beginnings. Many people were forced to start over, get along without the people they dearly loved. Furthermore, I don't necessarily believe that death/dying is a bad thing regardless of the way in which you meet your "end".

    But this discussion isn't really about "natural disasters" and terriosts attacks. To me its all about perspective.

    Maybe Im just a control freak who happens to also love science and numbers. BUT I do believe that I have a certain amount of control over the people that I bring into my life. I have a certain responsibility for relationships that don't work out. For professional or personal situations that get out of hand. I can personally think of a times when NOTHING was going right-it changed when I began to think about it differently.

    The "will" that you suggest is powerless. I don't believe that GOOD love is just thrown to anybody. Those people are ready, mature, and able to do the work that requires that GOOD love.

    I think its pretty sad when people believe that they have NO control OVER ANYTHING. And life just happens to you. Thats bull shyt. maybe you can't control the moon, the stars, a hurricane, a monsoon, bin laden—but on a basic level you can choose to take repsonsibility of your happiness, hits, misses, the people who call themselves your friends, lovers etc.

  13. @CBG: Don't make me go metaphysical-Matrix on you. You have control, but you don't. We are all affected by randomness.

    You like numbers –> life is like a stochastic process with random jumps. Yes, you can determine the direction you take and the thoughts you think but random things still happen – good or bad.

    I will say that positive thinking helps but it does not make your life easier because as author Robert Peck put it: "Life is Difficult". However, Zig Ziglar believes that a

    "A positive attitude won't help you do a good job – it will just help you more than a negative one." and Napolean Hill would add that: "There is no hope of success for the person who does not have a central purpose, or definite goal at which to aim."

    So, have a definite purpose and think positive thoughts but know that you will not be excluded from trials and tribulations. I bet a lot of our ancestors in slavery thought positive thoughts – you do have to recognize reality for what it is.

  14. @Comeback & Anti: It looks like anti has proven his point and drove Comeback to the hooch … which is always nice … but what the hell are we arguing at this point?

    Not that I feel I should regulate since this is my site, but how does this tie into taking care of your sick love interest or becoming the "bad guy".

    I want to say Comeback was saying I have given up on love and blame women for my problems. Not sure how that could be interpreted from my writing, but to each his own.

    @Mikki: I'm sighing with you … I'm sighing with you.

  15. Its so true with what you said. I'm getting frustrated thinking there are only 2% of the good guys left. I just wish people will be themselves. instead of really showing their full niceness… just give a sample. don't give it all out… (if that makes any sense lol)

    I think if we are used to a certain thing, we don't know any better but to think its the way of life. We learn to adopt that there is no such thing as a nice guy. Of course thats where the nice guy pours his heart out.. Only a bright lady will see this.. cause girl done know what she wants.

  16. @MrSlish: Lol … that's life aint it.

    @Treccia: Just give a sample … so that means act an ass right. Bet …

    @Antidater: OK … now I can respond. See how easy that was when leaving reference's to financial and mathematical models.

    I whole heartedly agree. You can't just "will" something to happen.

    @Haddassah: But why is this? In the end, we all lose … well … except the bad guy.

    @Brittany: If only more people knew that line.

  17. I've been MIA for a day or two but I'm sorry you are still feeling bad, SBM. Feel better..woo woo woo..

    I need to read the post and the thread..but I'll be back!

  18. @Haddassah: But why is this? In the end, we all lose … well … except the bad guy.

    True that we all fail excluding the bad guy.

    Why Bad guys are loved as much as good guys? I think personally we women have problem ( actually to be politically correct some of us women have a problem). We think we can change these bad guys to become good guys. Bad guys are like a turn on, they are the wild cat we want to tame and tell all our friends "Hey thats the wild cat i tamed, I told you I could change him." Bad guys are also men that are seen as protectors they fulfill what society deems as masculine, its acceptable to be bad for a man, more to the extent where its normal.

    A good guy is usually painted as a sissy, weak and all sorts by society. Having/Dating a good guy is entering unfamiliar territory, because we are so used to being with bad guys our minds have convinced us that there is no good guy. If there is a good guy his faking it. Not only do our minds tell us but also GIRLFRIENDS. And the problem with us women is we compare our partners with our own friends partners and the ones who dont have we compare with their imaginary ones. SO we push the buttons of this good guy until he stops calling and doing all sorts of shininigans. Then we are like oh yeah I told you he was bad. I can go on but what I am trying to say is we know we have a good guy but we do not know how to handle a good guy. We know he is good but at the back of our minds we want him to be bad. We want him to come home late so I can give him a piece of my temper, If he doesnt call me when his supposed ….."oh his bad!", his doing something somewhere. I think some women just have some issues that just need to be solved to be able to handle and accept that there are good guys out there. I dont even know if i answered your question… I think i just went off topic here.

  19. I think it depends on WHERE you live and what the lifestyle is like. I myself am slowly turning to the darkside. so I can feel you SBM. Im 30 and had dated the "trophy" white woman for 10 years of my life til recently. So since I havent dates since clinton was re elected to office, adn I havent dates a sista since HIGHSCHOOL… I have been out here trying to date. I have met or gotten the number of 31 women since last june. how many am I currently still seeing? only two. Im already house broken, so most love me at first glance but it seriously seems that once they find I am no roughneck or badboy they bolt. The most common reason I get is "your too nice" and the ever famous "its not you , its me Im just not ready to date" and then you see them out at the bar next week or online the next day.

    Hell I even see my sister using the same logic. She meets a nice doofy square brotha like myself and she claims there was just no "chemestry" between them. seems the word chemestry is a female proxy for no intrest due to him being not elusive enough. just as the word "clingy" is like too nice and attentive.

    I too have badboy male friends and its crazy to watch the biggest manhoe I know get all the ladies swooning over him yet the nice guys i know get no play.

    to me it seems the sucessful sista of today in the north east is perfectly content with her E lynn harris books and a warm spot on the couch. unless its a rogue brotha that they want to jump up and chase for fun, the sex in the city/ living single mentality is the trump card up here.

    Im just not sure I can be good much longer, I become more and more jaded each week.

  20. @Haddassah: So then what is at the core of the "problem"? Is it valid to think a nice guy is a sissy? And then can you really get mad at him when he starts acting an ass because it gets him more women. I think the problem is generally race neutral, but I think it does affect black more often … sadly.

    @Hasani: I have felt the pain. I haven't dated anyone for that long of a time and found my inner ass around 23, so it hasn't been to bad. Its a shame I can't be the nice guy I used to be.

  21. SBM

    I have started to doccument my dating life. im going to write an editorial or a sitcom when its all done, but cant decide on which. If a single white male can make an entire movie out of going out on 20 first dates, imagine a single 30 black male and 31 first dates!

    whats funny is, I go into all the dates thinking it can work, and always try for a 2nd date nomatter how bad she does or I do…. butmy theory is that women in the north east really want to stay single unless its "rogue single guy" or "joe thug/shareef Hood" bad boy types, or Denzel washington himself.

    I myself was upset after losing my Ex, hell it was 1/3 of my life with her, but I wasnt bitter or jaded towards women. in truth, after being in a relationship that long all I know/knew was to worship a woman like she was the be all end all. whats made me bitter has been my life dating women SINCE my breakup.

    dont get any older my brother, it gets harder and more darker as you age. and if I can be a tad racist for a minute, the WHITE WOMEN are the worst. I have been out with 5 white women in the past 7 months. all have taken me to bed and wanted nothing to do with me afterwards, but would talk all the junk in the world about how they always wanted to meet a nice guy like me, and they needed a good man in their lives. all of which seemed to fly out the window the morning after the first orgasm came. I really have felt "used" by that praticular group, so I am staying away from the 19-37 white women for the forseeable future.

  22. Hihihihi! Hasani have ever thought they would be experimenting, like being with a black guy because I know here in Canada some of the white guys tell you straight the reason they want to get with you is cause black girls have big behinds and they wanna try to get down with some black meat.

    "So then what is at the core of the “problem”?

    1. Some Women are imprudent. We know some men are treating us like expired products but we do not face the problem head on, we make excuses for their behaviour. We are not honest with ourselves and we do not love ourselves

    2. Some men too are the problem. I think I saw this somewhere here on the comments section of why the hell is a good guy looking for a nice girl among women who have no idea who they are,looking for women in all the wrong places "You are who you attract."

    Is it valid to think a nice guy is a sissy? And then can you really get mad at him when he starts acting an ass because it gets him more women. I think the problem is generally race neutral, but I think it does affect black more often … sadly."

    Its not valid to call a nice guy a sissy. But I think its valid enough to call him a sissy when he changes from good to bad in my personal opinion. He just as confused as the the girl who thinks a nice guy is bad.

  23. you see, im a realist. and also a man.

    if they had come at me saying like the canadian men said to you… oh I saw will smith in I am legend and I always wondered….."

    hell I have been in a relationship for 10 years I wouldnt turn down sex. but my problem is intent and deception. my mom tells me its because no woman wants to look like a slut by asking for sex , eventhough thats the only thing they want.I would be ok with a simple take me to bed, but to have me take you on dates and tell me its going someplace and then as soon as you get the goods I dont hear from you the next day/week or month is unfair. the last one let me take her on 10 dates and told me how much she "REALLY" liked me, and I come to find out she is married and going back to her husband!!!!!!???

    so no, I know I hate when white people tag all black men with what they see on TV or in the news…. but I am seriously cutting out white women unless they are (perfect 10's lets not be stupid here) getting burned 4 times in a row even a baby knows not to but his hand on the stove anymore.

    hows that for irony. women in their 30's in the year 2008 are like men in the 70's 80's and 90's!! oh how times change things

  24. @Hasani: I would pay money to see that movie. Especially since you have white and black women involved. I’m shocked that these older white women are out here like guys. Using you for dates is nothing new, but dipping after they get the “D” … wow.

    @Haddassah: I like that experimenting hypothesis. Sadly, I know I have done that with two different other races … just to see if the grass was greener (or at least brazillian waxed).

    Can’t feel you on being a sissy for turning “bad”. If you realized you could do less and get more … isn’t it human nature to make that transition?

  25. not only is it human nature but its natural selection, or evolution. The woman who I have dated who likes me the most is the one I told from the start, you and your 2 kids and 2 babby daddy havin self are not going to stay long but we can go on ONE date…. yeah I said that 3 months ago and shes fiercely nice to me and very determined to date me week after week. yet another sista that I view as an absolute queen and I admit I have her on a pedistal… yeah she wont call me more than once per week and only goes out with me once per week. A woman with 2 kids 2 jobs and friends finds time to call me everyday all day but the woman whom I treat like a crown princess who has no social friends, no job (in school) and no kids cant find time to call me more than once per week.

    yeah I am slowly starting to get annoyed with miss princess and I bet as I am darker towards her she will be nicer to me. why is it women only want what they cant have, but hate what they get once they get it?

  26. If you realized you could do less and get more … isn’t it human nature to make that transition?

    ah, yes it human nature to make that transition but it also depends if its getting that more benefits me in a good/ bad way.

    LOL @ hasani asking why is it women only want what they cant have, but hate what they get once they get it?

    1. Thrill behind it ( getting what you cant have)

    2. The hope that they will fall in love with you eventually.

    3. women want what other women want

    4.They dont want nice guys cause they can have em all the time

    5.they want something they cannot have and are afraid of losing

    6. They are not looking for attachment

    sorry sbm i am answering questions addressed to u lol.

  27. like clockwork, I just got a text message from the first white woman I went out on a dat ewith since being single. she slept with me, and then she wanted nothing to do with me after filling my head with how great of a man i am and how she always wanted a relationship with a guy like me. so she sends me a text to find out how my new job is…. chickenhead much? theres no new job, I just said that to her a few months back to see if she would cluck… (and she has)

    every time I get good and setteled with a date or two she will pop in just to see how my progress is and ask if I want to come by like im some type of yo yo. see thats why we go bad. when we are nice they treat us bad, as soon as we dont need them they want us, and everyone is always running some type of game… sheesh


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