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Some people yearn to be married or love the commitment of a true relationship, some like friends with benefits. They revel in having one person to share everything with, the responsibility of caring for another individual, and the inner joy of this āloveā thing I hear about.
You also have a group that subscribes to the āplayer for lifeā mentality. Monogamy is a curse word to these people and offensive to the ears. They are having āfunā and looking for nothing more than good times and casual sex. The number of āconquestsā is a bragging right, and they will quickly tell you about the one person who was good enough to actually get a repeat.
But what about the person in between these two. What about the SBM (or SBW) that doesnāt want the headache of a boyfriend or girlfriend, still wants someone to go out with and āsleepā with, and just has no desire of sleeping around like crazy (those AIDS commercials are scary). Well, the answer is ā¦ A Friend With Benefits.
This isnāt about the greatness of the FwB, this is to dispel some common misconceptions about this great ārelationship derivativeā created to fill a unique need in this new generation.
Friends With Benefits are not Cut (read: F*ck) Buddies!
Cut buddies are people used for sex. You sleep with them, they leave, thats it. You donāt care about their mom, you donāt care about how their day was, and you donāt care about anything expect āare you coming over and do you have a way to get home before the morning!ā
The friend with benefits is a thing of beauty. They are a friend. Someone you care about, talk to, and possibly have a history with. You can depend on them if your in trouble and they can call on you. They probably have loaned you money or helped you out with some trouble you had. There is a good chance you can call them to get their opinion on something, or just to see how their day was. The one thing that separates this friend from that old college buddy is that she/he helps fulfill a need that both of you suffer from ā¦ good sex.
The key to the term is a friend. With a cut buddy, they arenāt your friend. They server a purpose. Their like a car. You use it for a purpose. With a car, you might āloveā it, and you take care of it, but you would trade it in if someone gave you enough money and you will get rid of it when it canāt provide any longer. This is the same as a cut buddy, not something to be loved or cared about, but something to maintain as long as it does the job.
A friend with benefits is like a dog. You honestly love your dog. Its not the same love as a child or significant other, but its love. If your dog is hurt, you take care of it, and try and make its recovery as painless as possible. Its not just a thing ā¦ you love it.
Friends With Benefits and Cut (read: f*ck) Buddies are not the same and not to be mixed up. Please ā¦ use these terms correctly ā¦ know what your getting into and what to expect. Donāt get caught looking stupid.
What is your favorite? Friends with benefits, CB, or good old GF/BF? Answer in the poll or leave a comment.
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I will take FwB for $900 Alex.
I can do the friends with benefits thing butā¦damn that after a while I want a relationship!
SOOOOā¦let's say RELATIONSHIIIIIP! Although it was 2003/04 since my last REAL RELATIONSHIP. I love to me in one and I'm about ready for my husband to find me already but I'm patient!
SBM this is written from a totally male perspective. The SBM (not you specifically) has way more to gain with a "cut" buddy than a SBW would. So lets not go grouping us all together.
@Mikki: Yeah, I'm a big Fwb fan myself.
@Hunnie: Why is it that the FwB isn't satisfying enough. I know its common for someone to wan more from the situation ā¦ but why?
@Comeback: I'm offended! Women can have FwB. What makes this such a male perspective? If your going to make these claims ā¦ please expound on your accusation.
Oh quit the dramtics SBM!!!! Men and women think differently and approach sex, love, and intimacy from a different perspective.
Maybe its the "new generation" that wishes to make us all the same operating off of one brain.
@Comeback: Me ā¦ dramatic ā¦ why, I have no idea what your talking about. But I will say I'm going to have to think about this relationship if you keep making these unfounded accusations without any proof. I'm no lawyer, but I've dabbled enough to require evidence.
I do agree that its not the same line of thinking or emotional attachment for men and women, but I'll be damned if a SBW can't successfully have a FwB without her eventually stalking him.
"but Iāll be damned if a SBW canāt successfully have a FwB without her eventually stalking him."
case closed go eat your peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
@Mikki: DAILY DOUBLE!
I would prefer a girlfriend ā a relationship is cheaper than juggling multiple FwBs.
@CBG: I know a few women who love having FWBs. It's a new millennium. Women are not confined to traditional roles; therefore, they can do the Samantha from Sex in the City thing if they so choose.
Antiā
NEWS FLASH. Samatha from SITC was FICTIONAL. They all lived on HBO not in real life. And yes it is a new millennium. But last I checked the "age of aquarius" which inspired many a child born out of "wedlock" and in lots of "free love" was equally a "progressive" idea that has contributed to the break down in communication and the level of relationships we in the new millennium are "enjoying".
FwB is a symptomatic of the breakdown. But we lie and call it a new type of sexual revolution and female empowerment and male entitlement.
*CATEGORIES"
WHAT THE HELL? HE SAID SHE SAID
JAUGERNUTTS I'LL BE DAMN
LAST BUT NOT LEAST SBM VS COMEBACK
I will take what the hell for $600
Oh I forgot the other category "girl can I frisk you"
@Anti: Personally I like to only have 1 or 2 FwBs at the most. More than that and it gets unwieldy ā¦ too much management.
@Comeback: There goes that temper again. Anti is right, its a new age and new era, while I think women will always want a BF over a FwB, I think its almost insulting to say that a woman is incapable of having a successful FwB situation. I guess I just give women a lot more credit than the average person. The word "champion of XXX rights" is thrown around loosely nowadays ā¦ but ā¦
@Mikki: I'm gonna take "SBM vs. Comeback" cause thats an easy category. I always win ā¦
i dont have a temper. Perfectly calm enjoying my redeye grande yukon with a tad bit of steamed breve 108 deg.
No one is incapable of doing ANYTHING. Adults think of the emotional, financial and psychological cost/benefit.
I'm quite capable of changing my name legally to Chaka Rufus Khanābut would be in my best interest? Would it make sense? Would I benefit?
fwB half the time don't even work for many men. You catch a pressed man on the wrong day with the right booty and he may be the stalker.
My point is is that if it rarely works for a woman and half the time isn't very effective for menāthen why continue to tell the same lie?
Well it appears your own statistics above have spoken. Have they not?
Though you can't make any claims on the success of fWb, then certainly you dislose some of the emotional and psychological risks (and for ANTI āfinancial as well)
I would think on some level the greatest risk is being desensitized to the REAL ONE. I mean with all the "FWB-ization" going on are you still able to be discerning?
But hey do you if the reward far outweighs the risk.
@Comeback: Me ā¦ desensitized ā¦ naw. I don't believe in "The One". I do think you have FwB mode, and "forevership" mode. When I got my FwBs and that is what I want, I'm not looking for or want "The One". When my goals and aspirations change, you go through a little paradigm shift and flip the switch to go on the proper hunt.
Feel me ā¦
And the irony and from my own observation (with cousins, friends of friends, boyfriend's friends etc)ā¦most men don't want women who have "mastered the art" of FwB. Their purpose and role is limited by the vary defintion.
"Feel me"
no thanks. that is such a crock of crap. fovership (your words) and FwB can't just be flipped like a circuit breaker. Your mind is not even configured like that. The best example of this are those pictures that have dual imagees within. You see what you want to see based on perspective.
You just don't go around and say today I'm going to see the butterfly or Today I am going to see the witch (for those dual images).
You see what you have been conditioned to see.
and Fwb has a conditioning perspective.
Ok I want to be a statistic for a minute, as far as I know FwB's for women don't work out eventually someone gets feelings caught up and 9 times outta 10 is the woman, because you have managed to give her all the perks of being a girlfriend except the lable (we dont flip switches) its already in my mind that my FwB will become my man U find a girl thats tellin u otherwise and call me. I have even had a guy(once in life) actually get mad for treating him like a cut buddy, he was acting like i was The FWB then i down graded him cuz i knew it wouldnt progress to him becoming boyfriend. If in a perfect world we could get along being FWB's I would do it but it just dont seem to work out for the good.
@Comeback: You can wake up and simply say "I am only going to look for a forevership" and move forward with the plan. It may take a month or two to get out of the FwB mindset, but you'll start to realize whats going to get you the girl of your dreams and what to look for outside of just sex.
I think you underestimate the power of the human mind and some determination.
And who is talking about women who have "mastered the art of FwB". That is an edge case, and I don't write to the 3%, I write for the people!
Sex clouds oneās GOOD judgement. Itās funny cause I had this same convo with my homie a few weeks ago. Sex is physically. But itās more than a physically act..Itās a emotional and spirtual connection. Once you take the latter two out, it spells disaster. I donāt care how you slice it. Casual Sexā¦is not the business. It carries and comes with so many problems and issues.
I'll take SBM vs. Comeback for $1000 Alex.
@CBG: Let's run with the stats you posted. Approximately 50% of FwB situations don't work out. Sounds like marriage (50% divorce rate) ā by that argument FwBs trump marriage. Less time intensive and definitely less costly. Don't take my word for it ā ask Paul.
I agree with Belle and Mikki.
SBM wake the "cut" up!!!!! The emotional risk is way too great to undertake. This cut buddy stuff cost a hell of alot more than I KNOW I will gain.
To me the only pluses I can think of is "self soothing". Having a "cut" buddy only feels good for 5 minutes, 20 minutes tops. And like Mikki and Belle alluded too, you don't get birthdays, Christmas or any other holiday. In fact your status states you don't even have a right to expect it- much less a regular phone call.
Cut buddy requires that you lay in the cut. You only serve (ONE) need. But you go for it because its all you think the "market" can bear. There some self esteem issues in all this too. But thats another blog for another day.
and mastering the art of fwB or just being an (un)willing participant, 33 years of observation has shown me that men don't marry either one.
@Mikki: What a label anyway? Whats wrong with just having all the benefits? If I could get the CEO salary with the title (and the associated headache of being the boss), I would jump at the chance.
@Belle: It does cloud a person's judgment, but so does liquor. Does that mean we should all stop drinking, or just make sure its not done recklessly ā¦ hmmm?
@Antidater: Good Point. Why not go with a new age derivative if your risk exposure is still the same, but the front load, back end, and maintenance fees are smaller.
@Comeback: What in the bloody hell are you talking about? I said FwB, not a cut buddy. I didn't support the cut buddy for the exact same reasons you stated. Actually, I guess that means we agree on something. Maybe our love can still blossom.
@Comeback: BTW ā¦ how are you only get 5-20 minutes of pleasure!!! I grade myself, and 30 minutes is barely passing (C-).
I take "I'll Be Damn'd" for $1000
FwB is just a cut with a platinum card
Mikki I totally agree. Cut buddy= glorified Fwb. Same damn thing really.
@Comeback & Mikki: Now I feel like I have let your all down. The sole purpose of this post was to dispel to misconception that FwB == CB, and let the truth that Fwb != CB be known. If I didn't get that point across, I have failed you and I am sorry.
**retires to easy chair and looks down in depressing old man stare**
SBM
I mean this in a totally nice "sister from another mister" wayā¦.
you are a frustrated geek who has overintellectualizd this conversation. When you are reduced to explaining yourself in codeā¦.you have a problem.
@Comeback: That was nice! Anyways, I didn't take a real "intellectual" approach to the topic. I just wanted people to realize the friend in the term and the greatness of the situation.
Also, it wasn't that much code. I thought everyone knew what != means. Sorry if I mixed up languages.
And you get on me for code, but didn't someone accuse you of overusing big words before. And after reading some of your back & forths with Anti, not sure you can ever accuse someone of "overintellectualizing" anything ā¦ lol.
Still love ya "sis" ā¦
Well at least you still have the dataā¦looks like you're ummmmmā¦..right.
hows that?
@Comeback: Was that an attempt at being nice ā¦ or something else?
if yall are friends that are fuckin
why not just make a relationship of it
im just sayinā¦.
yeah that was being nice. I mean it looks like everyone pretty much loves the Fwb=Cut Buddy idea.
I'm feeling more liberated even as I type.
Once again another round of hilarity between CBG and SBM!!!!! LMAO!!!
@dejanae411: That's real talk right there!
@dejanae411: You make a valid point, but to have a good relationship more than just sex and caring is needed. While you might care for your FwB, you don't want to meet their parents or go to their house for Thanksgiving. Besides, once its a relationship, then its a real break up once things go bad.
@Comeback: I love the āstatisticsā used to conclude your argument ā¦ LOL. So how did you come to the conclusion that it ārarely works for a womanā and that āhalf the time [it] isnāt very effective for menā? And what do you mean by āisnāt very effectiveā? You also say āhalf the time [it doesnāt] even work for many menā. Is half of many a majority? Sounds kind of ambiguous.
Anyways, I make no claims about how successful each personāt individual walk with FwBs will or can be ā¦ but I do know it provides a āhealthyā option for many not wanting to settle down, but not wanting to earn the hoe label.
I can make up stats too! 83% of men have rated FwBs as highly desirable, with 57% saying āits better than getting marriedā. Also, 76% of women responded positively to sleeping with a close friend, with a whopping 98% saying āits better than f*cking the next guy who says āhiā to meā.
Omg at this post Seriously this is like people having fake weddings!!! whats the world coming to!!
In order to fully agree with all that SBM is subcribing to you must not have high regards for yourself ever in life. I don't want to be liberated I want a damn husband and Fwb OR CUT does not = MEET THE PARENTS!!! I am unsubcribing to this blog!!! I want my money back!!
<<< permiso sabƔtico
WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT Mikki don't go for just one dinner a week (after 11:30pm at IHOP) and 7 minutes of ultimate pleasure twice a month, you can have a fake azz man.
Just don't ask to meet his Mama/Daddy or expect a phone call ever (that way when he does call it will be like a surprise-kinda like Christmas).
That's a deal.
LMAO Its so sad that actually sounds way to familiar, I been FAB clean for 11 months now I don't want to end up back in rehab just for $7.99 breakfast 4 minutes of pleasure once every 2 months if im lucky!!!! I would rather eat dirt!!!!
I am turning SBM ova to Tiffany she will be much better to him than me ā¦.
(Crying) bye guysā¦.
That sounded like an Infomercial comeback ā¦.. but wait there's more!!!! If you call now we will throw in an addition 1 day per month call for 10 minutes to make sure the next month is set up in advance as a bonus to you!! a $10.00 value yours for free!!!
CALL NOW!!!
1-800-STUPID AS HELL
NO C.O.D'S visa or master card accepted
You know, mikki, I will take that diamond-studded platinum card. FwB!=CB-period. Has anyone seen that Youtube video with the shawty from the ATL?
There is a difference. An FwB is a beautiful quasi-relationship. Psychologusts have confirmed that good sex without emotions is possible (and enjoyable). Stop being so uptight ladies and start. Enjoying life in this brave new world.
Anti I need to see some testimonials. Thats always an easy sell. I've read one or two blogs who say it "works" for them. But I read on and other parts of their love life sucks.
I'm sorry the trickle down theory does and should apply to great fwb. If FwB works then every aspect of that situation should equally work. Its what you signed up for.
I should also read about rates of conversions. Cause in every FwB's life there comes a time that you just want to slow the party down. I have heard of some instances of FwB turned BF/GF but its a rare instanceā¦kind of like finding a half off sale at Jimmy C.
Friends with benefits haha. I hear you man, but its more like the player who doesn't want the commitment but also doesn't want to be alone. He wants good company, hence your eloquent description of the friend. But in the end someone is going to get hurt. You cant have good sex, and good conversation for too long. Like one of the sisters said after a while they want a relationship. Then what! Somebody's feelings are hurt, it's a tough tightrope to walk, thanks for atleast acknowledging it.
http://nativenotes.wordpress.com
@comeback
My sista Im almost offended you have not read any of my post. the "samantha" charachter from sec in the city is very real and very much alive here in the north east. And there seems to be a black equivilant as well. I find that a good amount of black women I have dated since becoming single , dont want the hastle of having to upkeep a relationship but want to call you when they need to go out or be entertained. They want weekend fun partner that is not labeled as a boyfriend, and someone they do not have to have sex with but someone who is enough of a catch to say to their friends and family that they are dating. yeah I have met about 10-13 of these in the past 8 months so its not like I am making this faction of woman up. Im pretty sure I will run into more in the comming months.
as for statistics? I have kept a log of how many dates I have been on (for any woman under 5 dates) their race and job and a brief description about them. Am I a dating Nazi? no , but I am going to write an editorial about all this when Im done so I just have the random info laying on my pda for me to view. so I have dated 32 women since september 2007
of those 32 I am FWB (but dont have sex with) 1 SBF for 5 months
"Dating" 1 White baby momma for 5 months
"dating" 1 SBF
cut buddy with a "cougar"
only been out with 4 white women, all of which have gotten me into bed and left me afterwards.
Have only been to bed with ONE of the sistas.
The majority of the sistas wanted to still hang out even after giving me the "its not you ..its me" speach. thus relegating me to a lower than FWB role since they dont actually "care" and you arent intimate but still date should the need arise.
modern dating in the north east
the reason why I love this site.
In most stories, movies, books commercials the black male always comes out as either the heel or somehow in the loss collum, while the Woman always looks witty and the winner.
So this is such a change to watch SBM out savy comeback in most (but not all) situations. now if only it could become part of TV and fiction again to have the black male ever winā¦. hmmm
oh I voted FwB but am looking for a girlfriend myself
"I a dating Nazi?"
no but you just sound hella busy. I'm sure SBM will find your statistics right up his alley. Are you and he related?
With me FwB is just a nicer way of saying I don't want to be in a relationship. True it is more than a cut buddy or like what I like to call DOD (Dyck on Demand). You failed to mention how most people have a problem drawing the line in a FwB type of agreement. Before you know it he or she will be going through your phone. It's way to complicated just be cut buddies or committed.
SMB sounds a little like me, but we are light years apart. The 25 yo brotha thats been single for a long time is not the same animal that the 30 yo brotha who just got out of a decade long relationship.
Where as I could hang up the spurs tomorrow and remain single, as I have already played house and the whole 9 yards, he will prob get bored of being single and want to settle down when he gets my age.
we are related in that ll of us IT geeks stick together!
I would say todays sista in the north east wants DoD (date on demand) but always has a cut buddy stashed somewhere far away that nobody knows aboutā¦. at least it seems that way to me 0_o
@comeback,
32 dates is busy? i put a profile up on 2 dating websites. no kids, a job, over 6ft, single black male @30 seems to be a shortage of people fitting that descriptionā¦ Im average looking and a huge geek and I get that many "first" dates. sistas just like to be able to say they went out. out of 32 women and 30 first dates< I have only had 5 2nd dates. more than half of those who did not have a 2nd date wanted to "check in" on me after we stoped speaking to see if I wanted to hang out or come with them to an occation/movie or buy them dinner. this is why I say alot of sistas want a date on demand without giving the all important "care" and "booty" parts.
Give me the good old boyfriend. FWB can lead to too many issuesā¦especially if one starts catching feelings for the other. I prefer a monogamous relationship.
I am definitely with Shelia on this one, I prefer a steady relationship instead of FWB (which has one too many blurry undefined lines once emotions get involved)
@Mikki: Your present will be missed ā¦ well ā¦ kind of. Now with Hasani, I might be able to build a CBG crushing force.
@Comeback & Mikki: Why is it you continue to ignore that a FwB is atill a genuine friend. Its more than a little sex and dinner at Ihop, thats a Cut Buddy. *sigh* ā¦ since when did a friend become such a bad thing?
@Anti: Yes ā¦ they need to embrace this new world ā¦ enter it with a positve outlook!
@C Shine: It is a tough walk, and people do get hurt ā¦ but people get hurt in regular relationships too. Whether it is a FwB, BF, or GF ā¦ if the goals and feelings of the people in it aren't equal ā¦ someone is going to always get hurt.
@Hasani: Thanks for providing living proof of women out here "on the prowl" and that are enjoying and seeking FwB situations. Also, you have to end these "FwB without the B" situations. Its not a FwB, your being a FAB: Fake Ass Boyrfriend and that isn't good. Lastly, thanks for the love. I started this because you rarely hear a male's perspective of dating outside the barbershop.
@GoBytch: Lol ā¦ going through my phone. Next FwB I get is signing a contract. I can't deal with the all to common "flip" ā¦ but if things are managed well and length of time is kept short, it can be beautiful.
@Sheila: How come everyone is so convinced feelings will be caught? You can have feelings for your friend ā¦ isn't that OK?
@YBL: Emotions ā¦ what are those?
"CBG crushing force"
not in your wildest dreams fool.
i mean sucka
Interesting points/discussion hereā¦.Allow me a moment to throw in my nickel minus three pennies.
Cshine pretty much nailed it with her comment about the FWB concept. Being in relationship much like anything in adult lifeā¦..it's WORK. Having a FWB is basically wanting that CEO/corner office/mahogany desk/corporate jet/ career with the effort of a drive-thru attendant at the local fast food joint.
It's not going to work out in the long run. Here's why; sex is not, I repeat NOT just a physical act. Regardless of what people want to believe or have convinced themselves of, having sex with someone creates an emotional bond/attachment to them. Even if it's just for a moment (meaning after "the act" they can bury that memory and lock away that emotion that was stirred).
You keep that up for long enough, toss in the SBM's FWB (benefits)list and either you or the person that you are "involved with" are going to have an uproar of emotions to deal with in the future. One of you is going to end up jumping ship, or risk the possibility of things getting ugly (see: CBG comment about "stalkers").
Who "wins" in that situation? What is gained? I'll tell you what is gained, it's the gratification of physical pleasure and the added benefit of a faux relationship that you've manufactured in order to fulfill your own personal needsā¦.without actually putting in the work to have a real one.
IMO it's the definition of wanting to "have one's cake and eat it too."
you're right. feelings are going to get hurt regardless. I see it as this being a single black male myself. Honesty is the best policy and even with being honest you may rin into some hurt feelings. I'm just good on being the reason that any woman drowns her sorrows in a bottle of wine and some sade.
right now i prefer to be alone, but i do not want a friend with benefits! it's either we do this thing or we don't!
plus, when most people get into the "fwb" situation, it's more likely that one person is in in more than the other, waiting patiently for something more to evolve. like having a cut buddy, sometimes, both parties aren't willing to stick to the rules and then feelings get hurt.
great post though
"@Hunnie: Why is it that the FwB isnāt satisfying enough. I know its common for someone to wan more from the situation ā¦ but why?"
@SBM: At some point, I want to get married. I'm 25 now and I would like something a little more meaningful than just a friend with benefits. To take care of and BE taken care of in ways that a friend with benefits simply doesn't get or give. I want something that will build up to a relationship and then marriage so at this point in my life, A FwB won't cut it. Although, that's what I've got now..LOLā¦but I want more.
@Comeback: I can do it by myself, just figured it would be easier with a posse.
@B.Price: Whats wrong with having your cake and eating it too if the other person can do the same? And I will say that FwB's are not supposed to be maintained, they are temporary.
@CShine: It may be two bottles of wine if she was your girlfriend and then things ended ā¦
@Trini: Why is everyone so convinced that both parties can't just be "cool" ā¦ ?
@Hunnie: We're close in age, but marriage is not a "right now" thought for me. I almost don't want to meet the future mother of my children, and ruin it because I'm not ready. The FwB could potentially keep you satieted so that you can really take some time to find someone who is worth the committment.
I will admit, the more I talk about the subject, given the significant differences in men & women, the FwB is more catered to the male's view of love & sex ā¦ but I remain in my belief that a woman can enjoy it just as much with a little bit more effort.
"the FwB is more catered to the maleās view of love & sex"
Ladiesā¦lets all clutch our pearls right nowā¦.(GASP)..
SBW My memory is quite good that is not what you said a little more than 24 hours ago.
@ SBM
you know, there have been many successful cut buddies. people just understand that we want to bust a nut and go our separate ways. but more than likely, someone "settles" for the physical aspect hoping to get more out of it.
But as far as fwb goes, so much is already put into it. I call you, I find out how your day was, we screw, then talk to you about another chick!?
never!
Well, I had a FwB onceā¦ He's still my best friend but we cut the benefits part of it. Problem was, I liked him as a brother and not as a potential boyfriendā¦ Bigger problem was, he liked me as a girlfriend.
We went through enough crazy moments (him jumping on my balcony, and spending a whole night in his car outside my apartment) to realize that, although it was nice (the sex was GREAT!) it just isn't worth all the dramaā¦
It's not a matter of whether women vs men can have FwBsā¦ It's more a matter of individuals, personalities, sensibilities and the likesā¦ I have seen more guys get clingy than girlsā¦
As of now, I want the friendship, the great sex AND the commitmentā¦ Not trying to weed through some bad sex to find a good one every 3 months or soā¦
ms. sula, no offense, but i always find it strange when people say things like that.
i have a friend as well who i consider to be my brother. but i would never sleep with him, because we truly have that familial love.
you say your friend is like your brother yet you all went on to have sex (and good sex at that). i think what people truly mean, is i am just not that attracted to him. which is fine. isn't it?
SBM says: How come everyone is so convinced feelings will be caught? You can have feelings for your friend ā¦ isnāt that OK?
No, that's not okay. What happens when one person wants more than the other (usually the woman)? Someone is going to end up hurt. It's best to not mix sexing with your friendship. Either be a friend or be my manā¦but a friend with benefits is not a part of my agenda.
@Comeback: If I only took your comments in small increments and ignored the comments before and after them ā¦ we probably would never fight.
@Trini: Why would you talk to her about someone else? Sure, you could have a FwB like that, but even I would say thats a bit much.
@Ms. Sula: Sure, the full package is great. If you want that, then FwB probably isn't the way to go. I think FwBs are only for people who don't want a serious relationship, but have no desire to sleep around and expose them to all the stuff out there.
@Trini(again): I feel you. I got a play sister now and the though of sleeping with her is just ludicrous. Even the thought of it seems weird.
@Sheila: I should have been clearer, because I don't think everyone should be in a FwB situation, but I do think its valuable and a good fit for many. And it does take a very good understanding of the person and the situation for it to work, and also it shouldn't be permanent. Its should be a temporary ( < 1 Year) situation.
SBM: And it does take a very good understanding of the person and the situation for it to work, and also it shouldnāt be permanent. Its should be a temporary ( < 1 Year) situation.</b>
Temporary feelingsā¦never tried that. Maybe that's something men do. I don't know about others but I don't have a switch on my feelings where I turn them on or off. A FWB, even when both parties know THE RULES, still leaves too much room for hurt feelings.
I am more in dating limbo as I am going out on dates with women but wouldnt call them FWB.
but im serious, alot of women in th enorth east want the Date on demand. i just went on a date today with a young lady who tried to give me the line a man would have to wait "months" to get her nakedā¦ā¦ so are we going out this friday to the orchestra?" im not pying to take you out and spending my emotional energy so joe thug and shareef hood and smash you down on the side woman!!
Hasan why does it have to be about sex? Why can't you go out and have a good time. If the relationship progresses than so be itā¦but when you equate paying for a date and getting sex as the reward, it's going to be a lose/lose situation.
Friends with Benefits ā I got a gf I best not slip up
@Sheila: Its not temporary feelings, its temporary benefits. I do believe that you can't keep a FwB for a real long period of time ā¦ because after 3 years of caring about someone and sleeping with them, thats a relationship!
@Hasani: Just cause she said you have to wait months, doesn't mean your really going to have to wait that long. But honestly, your looking for something serious, so you don't want her to give it up too soon. I actually talked about it once before.. Making sure you don't get used for dates is up to you my friend ā¦ but I believe you can stop this cycle.
@Sheila(again): Sex is important and shouldn't be discounted. I don't think he is saying its all about sex, but as a guy you don't want to be used for dates and free food without ensuring that things are going somewhere. Sex, while far from the only way, is one way to ensure its more than a free lunch she is looking for.
@AnythingBlack: You got a GF, FwB is not for you.
'Cut buddy, or FwB' doesn't really exist. Women are not equipped to play that game as well as men are. At some point she will catch feelings and want more.
One of the few ways she might can get out without being emotionally caught up if she has control of her emotions (which is rarely the case)she doesn't stick around with the same guy for a long time, or she has been hurt so bad that she choses to be numb to her emotions. Other than that she will catch feeling and want more, it never fails.
At the end of the day we are not wired to play that game. But we will definitely try all the time.
@Ms. Devareaux: I do agree women aren't truly wired for it as well as men are, but I don't think its something that you are all incapable of. Just depends on your needs and goals at that specific time.
Shelia I dont recall saying payong for a date = sex you may need to re read to be more accurate in further post. I will overlook this just this once, future forward this should not happen again.
but why would someone or anyone equate sex and paying for dates? because if a woman at 30 years old refuses to sleep with you after dating for 6 months they dont respect you. I myself equate sex and respect. women dont sleep with men they dont respect and that they dont feel a value for keeping. yes I know your going to beet me in the head with the whole "i dont sleep with a guy the first night so he will take me seriously" but theres a huge seperation between 1st date and not at all. and I dont think there is a single women on the board who has slept with a man they had no respect for and didnt value (either sexually or romantic)
we all have sisters and cousins that we have seen laugh behind the back of some poor "scrub" and hear them say he gets none. this is why I myself would say someone would equate sex and respect and paying for dates.
all that being said, I still dont have a problem not sleeping with the woman I am a FAB for but she called me last night to let me know we have to have a "serious talk" about our "relationship" and I must have gotten too much SBM angst in me and I mumbeled under my breath seeing someone once a week is not a relationship its an appointmentā¦. I dont think she liked that ā¦.. but ill keep you guys posted
@Hasani: I truly agree on the important of sex (if the person is active that is ā¦ not going to fault those waiting). That is all the more reason you need to drop this chick. The audacity of her to actually get mad at you when you refer to the fact that you only see her once a week for some date. If the tables were turned, she could complain and you would have to take it. DROP THIS CHICK!
Hasani, I openly apologize if I got someone else's statements confused with yours.
i know this conversation died a long time ago but i just want to say I'm pretty offended by the fact that some women on here are claiming that women can't participate in friends with benefits situations or that its somehow not useful to us or that we will get involved emotionally (probably the most annoying of the falsehoods here). To those women I would ask you to speak for yourselves. The times that I have participated in a FWB situations it was the guy that caught feelings and usually that was because he found out another man was seeking to enter into a relationship with me and I was receptive. I have yet to just omg begin to yearn for the man I start having sex with after I have sex with him and I reject the hypothesis that this even happens with women the way people claim. Usually if a woman "develops feelings" for a man after sex, the feelings were there well before the sex. The sex didn't cause any emotional attachment, sorry.
And not to offend any of the women on here but I tend to find the woman who just find it oh so impossible to ever have sex without emotions coming into play are women who place way too much of their esteem as women in relationships and their "value" to men. Most of them care so much about their so called stock being lowered by sleeping with a man without real commitment or boyfriend-girlfriend labels that the very thought of FWB doesn't seem beneficial for them. A lot of us, really I would venture that most women of the younger generation, could care less because we know the women who participate in FWBs and the like who are supposedly ostracized for life from relationships and marriage usually go on to have more successful relationships than those who don't. This has to do with a confidence factor. I also think a lot of the woman who can't fathom why a woman would want a FWB relationship are the ones who don't have particularly hard careers or studies and perhaps don't have bigger priorities other than finding a man. I know personally if I invite my FWB over to give me some dick, when I'm done and he keeps it moving, I'm right back in my MCAT books lol
@Shay: PREACH!
you must live up here in the NYC area, its a way of life up here. I may never be married š
Child pleaseā¦those up north chics are uptight. Chics come down South and all of a sudden it's a whole new ballgame. Sex is just thatā¦sex. When with someone special it could be breath-takingā¦then again it can be breathtaking with FwB.
Sometimes you just need to get laid, you don't need for someone to look lovingly into your eyes and hold youā¦sometimes you just need a good lay.
Yep, just realized I need a FwB
SBM says:
March 31st, 2008 at 4:11 pm
@dejanae411: You make a valid point, but to have a good relationship more than just sex and caring is needed. While you might care for your FwB, you donāt want to meet their parents or go to their house for Thanksgiving. Besides, once its a relationship, then its a real break up once things go bad.
That says it all. When you are having sex with someone regularly and you both care for each other, how do you not have a 'real breakup' when things go bad? If I like someone enough to have regular monogamous sex wth and care about his day and life, I want to not have to hide from the parents..I want no taboo on spending a holiday with him..I want a real breakup when things go sour.
When a guy wants you for a FWB only, he is telling you everyday that you spend together, that you are good enough to have sex with, spend time with, do things with BUT you are not good enough to be his girlfriend, meet his parents, expect him to not cheat on you etc. A girl likes to feel cherished. A man likes to feel respected. Both of these are difficult in a FWB situation.
Only successful FWB situation can occur if the woman thinks the man is fun to hang out and have sex with, but not man enough to actually be your BF/ Fiancee/ husband. And similarly the man sees this girl as someone who is okay to have sex with and do stuff with, but doesnot have his dreamgirl qualities/ looks to actually be his GF. Sucks bothways..Seems like it is based on mutual convenience yes..but also mutual insult
How many guys actually talk about this and make sure that they are both on the same page and want a FWB relationship only. Most people enter into an FWB situation for two reasons
1. They want sex and companionship but dont want commitment, so they find someone thats good enough to have sex and hang-out time with..but not good enough for more. Or they find someone they are attracted enough to sleep with but dont see her a GF material..so will FWB her until they find the girl they are really looking for.
2. The person tehy are very into is only offering a FWB situation, not a relationship/ dating and they take what they can get hoping it will turn into more.
Also @Shay: I've seen girlfriends say this time and again..have gone through same phase myself but learnt that it is actually a girl with "high self esteem" that will respect herself enough to know that she deserves more than a FWB relationship from someone she sees as potential BF material. Ofcourse, if it is someone she doesnt see as having such potential/ feelings forā¦but good enough for sex..then it is great for her to have enough confidence and self-love to not judge herself after sex. I disagree with you when you say girls who dont want FWB relationship are girls with no real career blah blah and just look to men to fulfill them. I am a doctor and all my friends ae in highly specialized careers..We've all been through FWB situations..and made the journey to wanting more than that..and to have high enough self esteem to accept only more and weed out those who are only offering you an FWB..cos obviously he doesnt see you as worth more.
@ June
I think in your response to me you proved my point even more than you know. For instance, just examine the way that you looked at the FWB situation. You say things like "When a guy wants you for a FWB only, he is telling you everyday that you spend together, that you are good enough to have sex with, spend time with, do things with BUT you are not good enough to be his girlfriendā¦" and "weed out those who are only offering you an FWBā¦cos obviously he doesn't see you as worth more". Sadly, you didn't even consider that I didn't care about being seen by him as "good enough" to be his girlfriend or that it was me who was the one who was "only offering FWB". You INSTANTLY put him in the position of power.
What you don't get is, by even looking at things this way you are putting him in a position of power over you because you are letting him be in the position of judgment of YOU. Whether you want to accept it or not I am in a better place than women who think just that way because MY WORTH comes from ME and is determined by ME and not anyone else. You are going to think the way you want to think regardless but just keep in mind that when a man knows you are constantly seeking his approval to validate your "worth" he will use that to his advantage whether you have sex with him or not. This is the way a lot of women get played nowadays. They go into relationships wanting a man to esteem them rather than be esteemed on their own regardless of whether he thinks she's wifey material or a hoe and they end up doing a ridiculous amount of work to get the approval of a man who won't give it because he knows if he doesn't you'll just keep on doing more and more to get it. Women too often let men's judgment of them (especially in a case where you don't even want the man for a relationship yourselfā¦I can't even begin to comprehend why some women even care about what men think of them in that situation) either override their own judgment of themselves or simply let his judgment be the end all and be all of their existence.
I just can't get down with that. I want a man when I want a man and right now I don't and there is no man (or woman for that matter) that can convince me that I should see my own worth through the eyes of others. My worth is not a function of other's judgment and I wish more women, f_ck it, people, saw things that way. There'd be a lot more self esteem in the world if they did.
Shay, I meant it bothways. Whether it is a woman or a man, it doesnt matter. When one of them (man or woman) categorically knows that he only wants a FWB situation from the other person, they are also saying that they dont want more with this person. If the other person feels the same way, Great. They will have a smoothsailing FWBship! However if the other person likes this person enough to want a relationship, thats when things get murky & then they have to weed out the person who isnt looking for a rln'p. (I chose the woman as example since I am a woman and it is easier for me to frame sentences from my perspective.)
I am all for equal sharing of power, and women not looking to men for validation but being the source and reason for their own validation. I'm not talking about that at all, and I dont differ from you in theory or practice of that belief. I also agree with you that whether the woman wants a FWB situation only or a committed relationship, its fine and she is as much in the position of power as the guy involved. In a relationship where both partenrs go in knowing that this is all it will be, and are truly happy with it..there is no issue, nothing to be discussed. Its all good.
"Sadly, you didnāt even consider that I didnāt care about being seen by him as āgood enoughā to be his girlfriend or that it was me who was the one who was āonly offering FWBā. You INSTANTLY put him in the position of power."
I did consider that sweetie..When I talked about the situation when the girl doesnt care enough about the man in question to want a relationship with him
"it is actually a girl with āhigh self esteemā that will respect herself enough to know that she deserves more than a FWB relationship from someone she sees as potential BF material. Ofcourse, if it is someone she doesnt see as having such potential/ feelings forā¦but good enough for sex..then it is great for her to have enough confidence and self-love to not judge herself after sex. "
Like I said..I'm talking of a situation where one person wants a rln'p and one a FWB situation. Man or woman doesnt matter. In the case you stated, you dont care about the man A enough..so you can easily be FWB with him. I talked of a situation where you cared about a man B..but he felt about you the way you felt about this guyA you only want FWB with. What are your thoughts on such a situation..where say you date a guy for a while, have great sex, you two havent talked about what kind of rlnp this isā¦then you realize you like him enough to want a relationship..and he only sees you as FWB, now and always? You will weed him out and move on right? Thats all I am trying to say..When one person will want more, it wont work.
I believe we are on the same page..talking about two different sides of a coin!
@June: I know personally that an FwB situation won't work out if one person is looking for a relationship ā¦ and that's not the type of person I think who should be an FwB.
But ā¦ we as human have sexual urges, needs, and desires. I personally prefer to sleep with one person who I can trust on some level (if I can't find a suitable gf) rather than whore myself out.
You have to realize that FwBs are for people looking for an FwB. If you want a committed relationship, then f* yes your gonna be disappointed. If I want a Ferrari ā¦ that BMW I get is still a nice car ā¦ but its not a Ferrari!
Don't fault people for wanting and being happy with their BMW!
SBM sorry to jump onto your blog randomly! Its SO fun this blog
Anyways..I just think people should either stick to FBs or committed relationships..FWBs is just a whole grey area with hazy boundaries..All the intimacy, regular sex, monogamy, companionship, time spent together is just a recipe for 'feelings' to develop, atleast on one side! Really difficult to differentiate it from a rlnp.
" personally prefer to sleep with one person who I can trust on some level (if I canāt find a suitable gf) "
The whole premise of a FWB is that 'they are not a suitable GF/BF but good enough for sex & hanging out'..When its FB ONLY..its easy to keep the boundaries..when its FWB, atleast one person is going to find it hard, get confused and end up finding their 'friend' pretty suitable GF/BF after all. While the other is still looking for their 'dream GF/BF'Recipe for disaster!
Nice article on same topic
http://www.ffwdweekly.com/Issues/2006/0216/messyā¦.
@June: Glad ur enjoying your stay here.
I personally don't like straight FBs because its so impersonal. I agree that there is a greater chance for emotions, but its worth it. For example, I like to eat p*ssy, but not if u are or might be sleeping with someone else. Can't trust it. So therefore FBs get no head, but a FwB will probably get her eyes rolled back.
SBM you're so disgusting at timesā¦*shaking my head*
@ Teacia: Seriously? I was beginning to see him in a whole new light š
Eyes rolled back is disgusting?
What about "taken to new heights of ecstasy" or "given the pleasure of screaming my name so hard that her neighbor cums too".
June have itā¦I hear he's not that great and all talk anywaysā¦lol.
Where do I go with this? Well I cant speak for millions of men or women as to how casual sex affects them. For me as a dude I have been with women and it was clear we were FWB's. Running into some of them yrs later they arent showing any signs of wear n tear. Some are in relationships others are not, some have kids, others dont. But I cant see how, FWB can affect you emotionally after all you can abstain, dude may breakout but hey you can abstain. As for me in 2000, I wanted the relationship she didnt. Now am I only to have sex again when I might fall in love or I know for sure she's my girl? Thats the crap that led to the sex-rev, yall do remember: sex should only be had for procreation. I am not a fan of nit-picking peoples sexual desires, I know what I like.
Yea it may be true that more women eventually want more from it but I still dont see how this affects you emotionallyā¦ maybe the emotinal baggage stems from an attempt to turn FWB's in to long term lovers?
ā¦then fish in better waters.
From my viewā¦ā¦..the major difference between CutBuddies, FWB, and bf/gf relationships is that Relationships encompass the full range of emotions. FWB only encompass positive emotions.
In my experience, I have never gotten angry with a FWB or cut buddy. I've cared about FWBs but I've never gotten into an argument. We go out to lounges, shopping, hang out, bowling, have fun, etc. But we don't do the Valentine's Day things, etc. I have had FWB women catch feelings for me but I didn't want it to turn into a relationship because in most cases, I knew it would never work out. Most of the women I've been FWB with had boyfriends at the time. Although I enjoy the times we spent, most liked *me* because we shared common interest, had good times (sexually and non-sexually), and I was emotionally supportive to them. Some have told me that they loved me but I've never said it back (FWB 101). Most if not ALL of these women had/have boyfriends who put them through emotional heaven and hell frequently. I've found (and this is strickly my opinion so please don't flame me) that women NEED a man that puts them through both these emotional highs and lows to be stay love. They need someone to "work out problems" in order to be "happy again". The pain and pleasure / kick (not literally) and kiss aspect of the bf/gf thing is what a lot of women love about their man. They feel like they've "been through too much to leave the relationship". I don't like to argue with women at all and I am quick to leave "relationships". So many times I find it easier to have FWB than to deal with the baggage that comes with relationships (baby daddy drama, for example). Don't get me wrong, I'd rather have a dedicated gf than a fwb, but fwb is "easier" to deal with.
As a whole, dealings with FWB mainly encompass happy aspects of "relationships", that is unless someone gets too emotionally caught up, then the negative aspects (miscommunication) of "relationships" arise and the FWB arrangement falls apart. Many times, FWB fall apart because women start feeling resentful because she feels the guy is doing "boyfriend things" and she is doing "girlfriend thing" but he is not deeming her with "girlfriend status". Guys do the same thing. Many times, guys screw up because they'll put their feet up, relax, and enjoy when their FWB girl does gf things like cook them elaborate dinners that they obviously put their heart into. Guys (selfishly) keep accepting/promoting the behavior and of course the girl is going to want the guy to reciprocate and when they doesn't happen it's doomed. Both parties have to know the limits of FWB to truly enjoy it.
Cut buddies on the other hand are just the ones you call for a release.
From a male perspective, here are my rules:
-Never say I love you to a FWB or cut buddy
-Never spend the night with a cut buddy
-Never kiss a FWB on the forehead
-Never kiss a cut buddy in the mouth
-ALWAYS wear a condom during intercourse with cut buddies and FWB
-Never go out in public with a cut buddy
-Never let a FWB or cut buddy see you express anger. Always maintain a cool, happy, or in control demeanor
-Never get drunker than the FWB or cut buddy in your presence
-Never open a car door for a FWB or a cut buddy
-Never talk on the phone over 20 minutes to a cut buddy
This discussion has shed some light on my current situation with my FWB, and i thank SMB for a creating this outlet.
i had a fwbā¦.we did not label it so but tht was wht it wasā¦ā¦.One day I called him up and said "we're not going to work anymore cos i think i like u and i want commitment.I also told him not to call anymoreā¦he did not say anythnā¦.so i bounced.
fast forward to 3 months larer,he calls asking wassap etcā¦.me being in a fulfiling relationship now proudly announced it and he went ballisticā¦..saying wht about him, we could have had something great, tht this was why he called.blah blah blah,
my point is at some point, one party wnts to upgrade or degrade the status cos its like Le chatelier's principle.which states that when a system is in equilibrum, and there's a disturbance, either inform of temp or pressure e.tc, the system will shift to accomodate the equilibrum.here a full fledged relationship is the quilibrum, fwb,fuckbuddy are the disturbances in form of pressure,temp etc.,i hope i made sense.
Very interesting blog!
LeftCoastKev gave out some pretty good do's and don'ts for FWB and cut buddies.
I think it definitely takes certain traits to have a normal FWB relationship. Many times you just can't rely on your FWB for emotional support without involving some form of commitment. Cut buddy is much more simple and drama free.
Nonetheless, you can't express love to either of them.
Yuppp that is the whole meaning of a friends with benifitsā¦..right now iam goin on a friends with benifits relationship and yeah me and him its just cuteā¦ā¦i mean its not just sexā¦.we go out were always together we talk everyday its cuteeee but the bad thing about it is u catch feelingsā¦..very strong ones and also it becomes a a habit talkin to that person everydayā¦ā¦its a nice thing but u can also get hurtā¦..
My experience as a woman whose had a FWB is that it can work for as long as both agree if both have the same mindset. I don't mean to repeat anyone's comments, so please excuse me if I do. A guy pal and I became FWB. It lasted on and off for SEVERAL years; like, five years. We each had relationships and, during those times, we wouldn't even talk (based on the pretense of our prior arrangement). When we were both single (knowing this has become easy with social websites), we would hang out, talk on the phone, send emails/texts, etc. We never discussed the dynamics, but we both seemed to be on the same page. It got to a certain point where we were on the phone one day, and we mutually agreed that the time had expired for us; that the flame had fizzled. We both work in the same area and see each other from time to time. Neither of us stops the other to talk, but will each wave, nod, smileā¦ I guess what I'm trying to say is that, even from a woman's perspective, it can and does work.
Currently, I've been out of a relationship for over two years. I have a very chaotic schedule, and have been single for so long for lack of interest in searching. So, here I am in the market for a new FWB. Mr. Right ā Now.
I am personally in a fwb relationship and have been for over a year now. When we first started out i havenāt been with anyone sexually at that point for5years and i was the one to say fwb. I started just recently developing feelings and he still says heās not trying to be in a relationship. But he acts like a boyfriend just doesnāt want the title i guess we talk everyday, he does for me laugh cry and the big bomb we just had a baby. And heās even not attentive. Plus he acts like he doesnāt want me to see anyone else which i donāt but keep reminding him that i can because weāre not exclusive. But basically i just need advice from a stranger who can tell me honestly what i should do because a stranger is not connected to the situation and donāt care about being sensitive to my feelings. So should i leave him alone or just wait to see if he comes around?
I wasn't really looking for a relationship so that left me open to the FWB from hell. He was handsome, and at least three social classes above me. He pursued me heavily. When i didn't call him he'd show up at places he'd know I'd be. He'd charm me, make me like him. he gave me a job when I was broke and desperate for any employment. And he'd fuck me. Then .he'd explain he didn't want a relationship with me..or anyone. Then he dumped me for someone elseā¦when we still had stuff we were doing and I was still forced to be around him for that. Then he'd use my weakness for him to have an affair. The thing that really gets me is I have a lifetime of heavy emotional abuse behind me and horrible self esteem and he pursued me got me to liking him and told me I wasn't good enoughā¦over and over again..just reinforcing and ramming a lifetime of hurtful programming back into me.. And he was a psychologistā¦and I think that's wrong. There is nothing cool in that. He was getting women being a player having gameā¦that is how he looked at it. But it just wasn't Ok. I spent four years with him and 3 years and nine months of that was spent trying to break free. It was a miserable horrible experience and i am afraid to go out and go to parties now least I meet another one. So that is what I think of FWB