Movies, fairytales, romance novels, popular culture, and probably a couple of your friends. These sources have convinced many people that they should spend their life searching for that “one special person”. We have been told all to often that there is one perfect soul mate for us out there and that if we just keep moving on, minding our own business … we will meet this person. We will have the perfect marriage, live in a perfect house, and have perfect sex. We are all destined to meet our soul mate … so just keep the faith … and it will be good.
I honestly could never figure out what exactly has made this “idea” so popular. From a logical and emotional standpoint, I’m not sure what has made this idea and belief so popular, but I am here to let everyone know that there is no one single soul mate for you. You do not have to search the world looking for just one magical person. Love is achievable by all (even though some of these bucket heads don’t deserve it). But instead of this being some optimistic “It’s gonna be OK” post, I’m just going to chip away at the logic of this “The One” idea.
The population of the earth is about 6 billion people. In the US, there are about 300 million people. Lets say half are of the opposite sex, so 150 million people of the opposite sex. Lets say the “dateable” section out of that comes out to be 10 million after taking care of age and whatnot. So … your supposed to find this one person out of 10 million people? Across 50 states and DC? Really …?
Suppose your soul mate took a job 5 states over? Suppose a “wrinkle” in fate placed your future significant other in another country? Suppose when you met them, their hair was jacked … and you didn’t look twice.
Everybody could be happy with one of several different people. If love was this mystical thing that the universe had to conspire to get you with him/her, then people would fall in love multiple times and find “happiness” more than once. What happens is you find someone who you like and it works, then you start claiming “I found my soul mate … I knew he/she was the one”. How quickly we forget that you said the same thing a year before. After you find someone good, the search is over and you forget about the 99% failure rate. Its like finding your keys and saying “It was in the last place I looked for it”. WTF … why would you keep looking after!
One sad fact of this “soul mate” theory … as with many other things the “universe” gets the blame for personal failure. Some people can be self critical and improve themselves as a result of failure, but others … just love to blame “the universe”. I can hear it now “Girl … my past 15 relationship have ended with me getting dumped for another women … the universe is out to get me” or “Dawg … I can’t find a wifey out here … all these women is smuts … damn the universe”. Naw … no man wants you because your a b*tch … and you keep getting smuts cause you just can’t seem to stop using b*tch on your first dates.
So … I say there is hope for everyone. Don’t spend your life looking for that perfect one. Find someone who makes you happy and you like being around … thats all you really need. Perfection is an illusion. Don’t rob yourself chasing a dream.
I completely agree with the idea of there being more than one person for everybody. It is depressing to think that there is only on person out there for you. The closet that I can get to this only one theory is the belief that while there is more than one some "happily ever afters" may be easier to pursue than others.
Well it might just be the end of the world because I agree with you SBM about ONE thing (don't get too happy its just one). That there are several different "Right Ones" but for different reasons. I believe that the several different right ones are divinely ordained. They help you grow-if you so choose. And help you to become 'more right" for the next person.
Imma be honest SOME people haven't done the work or even began the introspective stuff that requires you to be paired with that PERFECT someone or selection of someones. There are some (no names I'm taking the high road) who still believe in the 18 to 1 (black men to black women ratio). And the way they write and express themseleves exhibits bad dating and relationship behavior. So what you've dated 99 women in the past six months-who are you looking for? And why hasn't one of those women been well suited enough for you. No one ever thinks its THEM.
I had a spell where I wasn't connecting with great women. Coming from a all woman's college-great women friendships has always been very important to me. But there was a span of a few years where I felt like I was getting my friends and they weren't getting me. I had to take a hard look at myself. And I found it wasn't them. IT WAS ME.
I for one can't subscribe to the "soul mate" bs. I think you find what works best for you at the time. My girl claim she has found her "Soul mate" even wrote a blog about it? im like wtf?? Maybe imma hater. But anyways her advice when your not lookin you will find him, im thinkin (insert the n word) u found your boo in a chat room and you wasn't lookin? puuuleezzzzz spare me!! For me to not look would be like going blind that would be the only way cuz i can't help but to see a fine man walk past me and think "That could be him" and proceed to give him my number or a friendly wink. If I subscribe to what she talkin I may end up "the old lady in a shoe"
I've met my soulmate several times over but he wasn't the one I dated in college and he wasn't the one I married and he wasn't the one that wanted to leave his wife for me…I thought my exhusband was THE ONE…the fairytale…we even had the horse and carriage and I wore glass slippers at our wedding..be he was the one for that phase of my life…that ran its course…and now I've found NEW LOVE…and I'm beginning to think its better the 2nd time around.
SBM…even when I was dumped and betrayed I never thought there wasn't another person out there for me..someone perfect for me..not for anyone else. I think we live our lives for other people around us and their notion of perfection, success, etc…..I'm living for me ….
Wow you all agree on this and I have to disagree? Perhaps its age seperation again?
I wont say theres only one person you "CAN" love, I just fel that you can only LOVE once. As cheery and al roker type doofy brotha as I am , I know I will never be able to love anyone ever again. I just can never give that much energy again. thats not a bitter old man talking because obviously I am out loking for someone to love me and nag me and give me a reason in life…. but I dont think I could ever go to the extent of love again. like… a man would DIE for the woman he loves. can you actually say you would be in a relationship where you were in love t the point of insanity… then could lose that and get to that point again??!!? oh man you guys are something else.
I will get married, I will honor and protect my wife and I will live happily ever after and like her more than anyone in the world. but I wil always care abut myself or the sake of the "team" more than her well being.
Perfection is an illusion. If a person is waiting for the perfect mate, they'll remain alone.
I believe you can fall in love more than once. That the "right" person for you is out there. Not perfect, but "right." As a writer of romance stories, my stories seem real because the situations tht occur in my stories can and have happened to folks and yes, they always end up happily ever after because although in life we have obstacles, your life can be happily ever after if you choose for it to be. No I'm not living in a fairytale. I just believe that if two individuals meet and are ready to commit and love one another, then they can have a good relationship. The key is both the man and woman have to want the same things. Soulmate–there's not just one. What made me happy with a man in college doesn't make me happy now. I have different expectations and I have more to offer than back then.
Hasani that would make for a got post about "truely loving someone" not to the extent your talking about loving yourself more, but about how you can't love again, one friend told me he loves one girl to the point that he would lay down his life, but he isn't married to her, actually she is married to someone else with kids but he loves her the same. He said if another woman he met came along she would always be #2 but she wouldn't know it. and til this day he treats all his women like a #2 thats scary.
"He said if another woman he met came along she would always be #2 but she wouldn’t know it. and til this day he treats all his women like a #2 thats scary."
That is crazy Mikki. Don't you think part of his "love" for this married woman with kids is that she is "unattainable". He can't really have her. Its the mystery and the chase. The dangeriousness of it all. True love isn't all that smoke and fire. I think its the exact opposite. Some men (and women) haven't gotten the drama out their system. Men always say stuff about not wanting drama queens, but there are equally the same amount of KINGS. IMO.
@MP: Yeah, the idea of only one person out of a couple million being right for me is just too much for me to believe.
@Comeback: See … we can make this work. We agreed on something, now we can just base our whole relationship on that and we can be so happy together. Remember I'm a nice guy. But it was your post on dating yourself that introduced me to the idea that people really need that introspection to be happy.
@Mikki: Your friend writing about her "soul mate" is too extra. Please shut that sh*t down … quickly. As for looking, just make sure your not on an all out "Moby Dick"-like manhunt, but I agree on keeping your eyes open and acting accordingly. You can't expect the universe to just through things in your lap!
@GeeGee: Glad you have managed to emerge from your "situations" stronger and unscated. So easy to be bitter nowadays.
@Hasani: Speaking of bitter …
Don't let that one b* rob you of the ability to love again. She had her turn … keep it moving. Don't worry … you'll stumble across that golden p*ssy and you'll never want to leave it … just drop these females who are faking on you … please … for me!
@Sheila: Thats a powerful point about the changes of your needs over time. Perfect this year is annoying the next.
@Mikki(2): Tell your male friend to let it go. I don't know if I'm coldhearted, but shouldn't no one be that pressed over another individual that he isn't and never will be with.
@Comeback(2): The are way more drama queens … please believe. And I agree … dude is nuts!
I know I feel yall 100% he does need to let it go, his new girlfriend he constantly complains about yet wont dump her musta been that golden p*ssy you was talking about lol.
As far as writing post about the soul mate, indeed its extra but im guessing she is happy altho I am having an extremely hard time believing that. the dude is 40+ and she is 24 I mean I know young folk marry older all the time and women mature faster and all that jazz but half your age? I mean what yall doing watching jeopardy and eating butter scotch?
lol @ “Moby Dick”-like manhunt nah its not that obvious but i may start to be more obvious and see what happens its really a numbers game and the more im out there the more chances i have of winning right??
my former love isnt a Bish, just sick. unfortunate, but it is what it is. Its not like I am bitter, I am realistic. think about it… love to the point of insanity (which I belive is the only "one true love") is not healthy for your mind or body because of what it does to seronin levels. after being that far gone, and then going thru the heart ache of losing it your body wouldnt LET YOU do it again. I am a 30 black male with an ulcer from worrying myself to death over my former love. I gave up finishing my degree because it made more sense to have a white woman with her mba than a black man with a B.A. furniture I will never see again and money dumped into a house I wil never see a dime for all because of blind trust thrown in the name of love. in hindsight was it foolish? dangerous yes but foolish and love are synonomys. (a fool in love) so to me any of you who sit there and say "I would never turn over my bank accound to a person I was dating, I would never pay someone elses debt and I would never put anyone elses future ahead of mine" well then you must agree with me, that you cant have more than one true love because you would never love to that extent. (damnit now im sounding like a hallmark card)
and yes you can love someone and be with someone else. its called duty, men know about it and women cant fathom it. this is why men dip the secretary but never leave their family but women get in a bad situation and hall azz if something better comes along. that male sense of Ego/Pride/Duty is something women will never understand about men.
In this world you may have to stay with someone you likea whole lot and perhaps even love (not the one true love type) and meet someone else and feel more passionately about them than the home piece. but why be wreckless and leave what you have sworn to protect? you dont stop loving your housepiece just because your heart and body tells you you love another, and you damn sure asrent released by your duty to protect the woman at home under no circumstances.
golden pussy lol. Im in jersey, if I wanted golden pussy I could call up Gov elliot spitzers friend she lives a few miles away. what I need and what we all need is to not be alone on holidays and when we are sick in bed.
hmmm i agree with this post. but what of those who have been married like forever, they have grown old together those old couples in the homes aren't they soul mates?
no they are just conditioned… if that person died or they had never met……………
I have a stupid question are yall related (Hasani and Haddasah); I noticed yall came on around the same time?
yea, like the prince charming ish
@Mikki: After reading Hasani, he does have a point. Just because his heart belongs to another doesn't truly mean he can't love his girlfriend. He may be providing her with everything she needs. And for women, its less of a numbers game. If you want just sex, then yeah … numbers really matter.
@Hasani: Wow … are you serious? Man … I'm not going to lie … I hope I never fall in love like that. That "drunken" love is my second greatest fear (getting a random girl pregnant is #1). I mean damn … u got an ulcer. Anyways though, just because you have realized you don't need to go overboard with "love" anymore doesn't mean you can never really love again. It might not be the same, but it will count!
@Haddassah: Yeah, they are soul mates. But is that the only soul mate for him/her … I highly doubt it. If he had never met her … he would have been equally as happy with someone else.
@Comeback: I've been thinking the same thing for weeks. Glad someone asked.
@ SBM- you went hard on hasani a few post up, using bitches and what not, I didn't know you had it in you
I thought you were more rigid, like the dude who will post up on the wall at a club with a corona and say little things as a woman walks by, but never really makes moves. like if she turned around to acknowledge your comment , you would divert your attntion and whistle or something
Then I hear the expletives and I'm like , well looky here, this is a nigga in sheep's clothing…lol
Some girl pissed you the fuck off before huh?
@TheBusinessWoman: I don't think I went hard on him … did kinda go hard on his ex though. I just hate to see someone in their prime be held back because of the actions of someone else. After going into more detail, I felt what he was saying more … but I digress.
SBM exists as a dichotomy … two people in one. You have the calm, educated, and eloquent writer that attempts to express his thought and emotions in a clear and meaningful way … but … you also got a n*gga who likes to show his ass from time to time.
And yes … I have been pissed off a couple of times and have developed a certain "ass-holish" air about me at times, but I'm still 70% a nice guy. Haven't been hurt too much, just pissed off.
I don't want to direct this solely at Hasani, but that last post really piqued my interest. Aside from not being with the one you want to be with…isn't being with someone who isn't going to give you what you want and need cheating yourself and that other person? It sounds like you're treating marriage and companionship as a job, or a life-requirement. Shouldn't you be getting a kick out of who you spend your time with…and fulfill yourself to the point where it sounds like you once were? Have you ever considered that you may have reached the 85% or 90% mark with the last one…and you can reach an even higher plane? I'm not disagreeing with what you said because I don't know it all about that situation, its just my 2 cens.
I agree with SBM on most of the post…and each little thing that you do is something that ultimately leads you to find these people that will potentially make you happy.
When you govern yourself honestly, and in the way that you love…then the people you meet will often be a reflection of that. I still think meeting significant others is fate…but fate is also what we make of it. I don't mean to get serious but its the truth.
And SBM…knowing when to properly apply the "ass-holish" element just means you know what the f*ck you're doing.
I think the term "soulmate" is a misnomer. I don't think it's about the other person at all but about how you feel them.
The real problem is that we are conditioned to go "looking" for them instead of enjoying life for the SELF-discovery it should be.
we REAL up in here! its just straight talk with us single black men….. (with special guest interjections by our white/latino and sista compatriots)
SBM, yeah mon, love I mean that REAL love, is to the point of madness (in hindsight) and blind faith. you almost have to have blind faith since your trusting half of your life with someone else.. ya know? I mean dont get me wrong, I used to be in the club and in the "streets" tryin to hollar at the girls like any man should at the age, but I found a great woman and decided to setle down. you cant go half azz with it when you decide to do it, and are in love and want to build with someone.
"isn’t being with someone who isn’t going to give you what you want and need cheating yourself and that other person"
no, not in my opinion. if I have a woman whom I have a child with and decide I am going to co habitate to raise my child but run into someone who gives me "golden pussy" and I take advantage of the offer for "golden goodies" but still hold down my duty as head of my household its not cheating myself. CHEATING YOURSELF would be to turn away from your duty just because the situation isnt 100% ideal for YOU. IMO thats the problem with our community. you got too many dudes thinking like women. and forgetting about "duty" and jumping to what pleases them at the time.
"It sounds like you’re treating marriage and companionship as a job"
it IS… your female arent you. see you wouldnt understand it or look at it the same way as I do so I wouldnt even bother to explain. your companionship IS a job. running your household IS a job. and when you devote yourself (by marriage or just commitment) its your duty to protect that person for the betterment of the group, not just yourself.
"Shouldn’t you be getting a kick out of who you spend your time with…and fulfill yourself to the point where it sounds like you once were? "
Sorry I dont understand the question. but yes you should get a kick out of who u spend your time with.
"Have you ever considered that you may have reached the 85% or 90% mark with the last one…and you can reach an even higher plane"
if you burn your hand 80 to 90% are you going to but your hand on the stove again and keep it there to be burned 100%? no, your body wont let you. you will be able to put your hands close to the stove, and keep yourself warm… you will enjoy the heat and feel cumfort by it. but your body by evolution willl not let you get burned twice much less get burned worse. if we didnt have this instinct we wouldnt be alive and our race (the human one) would be with the do do bird.
"I’m not disagreeing with what you said " sure you are…
"because I don’t know it all about that situation, its just my 2 cens." men and women see things in seperate lights. your much more intelligent and beautiful than I will ever be…… but my view is mine… simplistic to me yet complex to you because i see it thry my own eyes.
"When you govern yourself honestly, and in the way that you love…then the people you meet will often be a reflection of that. I still think meeting significant others is fate…but fate is also what we make of it. I don’t mean to get serious but its the truth. "
yep, your a woman alright. thats a bit too philosophical and abstract for my tastes. And the fate is real but what u make of it sounds like hallmark cardness. you do what you do, very very few things happen by fate and fate is random luck of the universe not something you can control, and not what u make of it.
Hasani- Yeah thats the perspective I was looking for. Like I said…I don't disagree, I just wanted you to elaborate. That whole fate thing…means one decision you make leads to another which leads you to go talk to somebody who you eventually end up spending all that time with. Yeah you cant plan for it but its you doing it. You said you're 30 and sounds like you have mega experience so much respect.
do I come off like that?
and here I think I sound all standard and like a typical moron that I am 0_o
I think Im pretty standard, 30 years old 10 year relationship, live together for 5 now single for 8 months. I had a puertorican jump off when it was trendy for black men to date butter ricans, I had a thick white corporate "trophy" piece for the past 10 years since it was what was trendy. I should be looking for my new trendy asian woman and breed my tiger woods jr but I have a huge weakness for black women and african women its throwing a monkey wrench in that idea 🙂
I think we can partner with anyone but your body wont let you become 100% devoted more than once in your life. its instinct.
LOL @ Comeback girl I noticed that too. No we are not related, Don't know he is LOLOLOL!
say what?! oh my god like how can you say such things and forsake me!?you hurt my feelings Im tellin mom! :O
Sorry I am late.
Maybe there isn't a soul mate for everyone. I think I met my soul mate when I was 13 yrs old and we became best friends. However, I our dating relationship didn't begin till I was 19 and ended after 6yrs, almost 2yrs ago. For a while I thought I would never find anyone else that I could connect with on the level that he and I did. Or find anyone that would understand and support me the way he did. After slowly coming around and really learning who I am and what I wanted that concept changed.
I believe that I will find plenty of men I will connect with. I don't think its more so a soul mate for everyone. I think you find someone that you connect with on a spiritual,emotional, and phyisical level and love them enough to say… 'We may not be perfect but we will work to do our best in this relationship because we love and are committed to each other and this relationship'.
Since my understanding of a soulmate take more of a biblical turn I can say that I've never agreed with the fallacy behind the premise of a "soulmate."
There isn't just one, there are the ones who take you through the bad times, the ones for right now, and the one you can make a future with. And they rarely come prepackaged the way we hope, and generally are exchangeable.
***chalk this random commenting up to insomnia, it was either this or youtubing all night***
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