This is a reader submission who was looking for a male point of view on something she was dealing with. There was a little description of the situation and some questions … I included my responses right after. If there is something you want me to write on, check the Need Advice page
Lets say you were working towards serious relationship with a woman, possibly dating exclusively for 2 months. Then during a casual conversation, she mentions that the person she lost her virginity to is currently her male best friend. As her boyfriend answer these questions.
“Would you be uncomfortable with the fact the he is still a close friend?”
It depends on what you mean by a “close friend”, when you slept with him, and the situation that ensued. If its obvious to me that you still harbor feelings for this person and he seems to have feelings for you, or there is any question about the “platonic-ness” of your friendship … then yes … I’m uncomfortable. Generally speaking, guys don’t have platonic female friends … its pointless. If he deflowered you just once and it was more of “I need it and trust you” … then maybe … but if you were in love … then I don’t want him around.
Would be upset that she waited 2 months into the relationship to tell you?
Well … I should be on my ball about this stuff. If you have a really good friend that is male and is around you all the time, I should inquire about your history with him. If you actively tried to hide him and your history with him … then I would be more than upset … I’m heated!
Would you be uncomfortable if you and the best friend were in the same room?
I don’t know if “uncomfortable” is the word, but I do feel funny being in the room with anyone who has f*cked my girlfriend (or even just the person I’m sleeping with now). Generally speaking, I don’t want to be around this person.
Generally, as a man I can’t help but be territorial. To know that this other person has “invaded” my territory just bothers me … deep in my core … unless he is gay now or something like that.
Are there any other reaction you may have that I didn’t write a question for?
I personally don’t trust ex’s. I know anytime I have participated in questionable activity (I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend … but …) its usually with an ex of some sort. Its easy to sleep with someone you have slept with.
In addition, you never really stop loving a person. Things change, but deep down, love just doesn’t die. If this guy was your first partner and your first love, then its going to be extremely hard for me to think of him as just “your friend”.
Besides as Biz Markie said “and you say he’s just a friend” … but we all know how that story ended …
Got a question and want to get my opinion along with those of plenty of commentors and the internet as a whole … Let Me Know …
just a friend my ass, my gal know better than that
Women are smart – they like to have options in case things don't work out. The question is: Who is the option – the boyfriend or the ex?
the answer is which ever one isn't acting up that week, soon as one or the other flips the script then one is out and the other gets back in. it keeps going like that til one gets it right or gets replaced
@Anything Black: Yeah … well the second you bring it up, expect the fight ("why you so jealous?").
@Antidater: I say the bf is more like a second choice school and the ex has you waitlisted. But the second you get off that waitlist …
@Mikki: Man Mikki … your getting grimier by the day. Who's making you mad this time around?
I agree Mik. First of all after two months you don't even know his mama's middle name-so its called being self-aware. Even in a serious relationship a woman needs to know that forever aint always promised, and sometimes men can get REAL brand new. Her protection are the "possibilities".
I can only still be JUST friends with an ex that I no longer have any romantic type feelings for. The exes where I may harbor some deep rooted feelings that even I don't want to admit aren't my friends.
right comeback 2 months aint worth cuttin folk off but maybe like the 6-12 month mark i can consider it but even that may be hard. key word was (working towards a relationship) not in one.
@CBG: What if his momma ain't got no middle name?
Everrybody's Mama got a middle name. Its just how it works. You gotta Mama, she got a middle name.
Honestly, my momma don't have a middle name. An old-school country double name – but no middle name. Don't go talking about my momma though. I am not gonna be as nice as SBM…
An old-school country double name
THAT IS A MIDDLE NAME. SBM I need you to run a poll PROMTO. "Does (or did) your Mama have/has a middle name" ? Double name's count.
BTW. today is Freedom (easy on the grammar ) Friday's My Mama Aint Got, My Mama Got, She/he ain't…these are all perfectly acceptable on Freedom Friday.
Before SBM goes galluping off to run a poll, i will point out that the "momma's middle name" was just implying that you were asking for too much info which may turn out to be irrelevant.
Anyways, insurance, financial derivatives, options, etc. are a bit much for the dating world. Don't "lose your shirt" trying to hedge your bets and protect yourselves ladies. It may be a good look for Girls Gone Wild but not the real world 😉
I won't get on your grammar if you don't get on mine. I do feel FREE to use terms that I seldom use.
…and now back to the topic for the day.
@Comeback: Man … ya'll sound worst than guys. "Forever aint promised". "protection are the 'possibilities'". Damn … and you call yourself an optimist!
@Sheila: But suppose you do have a romantic type of feeling for them but are fooking yourself into thinking your "friends"? How can you just fall "out of love" with someone and still keep them as a buddy?
@Mikki: Man … what happened to that optimistic "I think good therefore life is good" attitude?
@Antidater: I have never known my girlfriend's or "situations" mom's middle name. Hell … I don't even know my Grandma's middle name … and I visit her weekly.
@Comeback(2): I got an LB with no middle name. What about that!
I KNOW what you were "trying" to say. I was exaggerating that two months isn't long enough, but it does beg the question of "how well do you (or did you) know your man". One of the last FOL episode comes to mind. Perhaps Mama's middle name isn't THAT incredibly important but something similarily close is.
Life is good SBM just not the "Dating life" I am pretty annoyed with "yall" right nah and surprisingly enough I haven't even had sex!! obviously "holding out" doesn't keep my stress level down any more than it would have had I been having sex on a regular basis. I need a plan B cuz this workout plan I am on sucks!!
P.S that was my version of TMI
@Comeback: LB = Line Brother for the un-greek. But Antidater said his mom doesn't have a middle name … so why can't you believe that she has two first names and no middle one. Such a hater …
And like I said, why are you asking or concerned about my Mom's middle name. I don't even remember the first name of my last ex's mama … even though she loved me. Mrs. "G" is what I called her!
@Anti: I'm not running any poll on this … don't worry. Although I do need to change the question for today.
@Mikki: If sex is all you need, I bet I can find someone willing to oblige … u know. I don't know why, but your use of "plan b" after talking about sex had me rolling. The word play … lol.
@ Mikki: Let there be toys.
I don't even know what the heck I need (ball of confusion)
I bet I could find someone willing to oblige too, that aint the point and why are you laughin at me it seriously was plan "A" no sex before commitment well about 8 months later I still don't have one, I shoulda came up with plan B C D E F G H I J K…….
Martini time. Lets pick Monday same time same place.
lmao @ anti omg yall are suck freaks I was just trying to make a point!!!!! gosh yall take stuff wayyyyyy outta context
@ comeback Monday is to far away I need it now!!
But suppose you do have a romantic type of feeling for them but are fooking yourself into thinking your “friends”?
How can you just fall “out of love” with someone and still keep them as a buddy?
Situations like that hardly work out from what I've seen or experienced. Someone will get jealous–whether it be the new boyfriend or the old one. If the situation was reversed I wouldn't want my guy to be still kicking it with his ex like that…especially if I know the ex still has the hots for him.
The question I have is–should you or shouldn't you tell your new man (or woman) that the friend you have of the opposite sex is an ex???
I would answer this question from my point of view But I think im already down like 100 pts so imma just keep it to myself.
on the road to redemption………
He is never just a friend especially after he has hit it. What the hell world do you live in? Why is that so hard to understand? After a certain age men and women aren't friends.
@ Mikki…lol sorry about your situation, I am right there with you.
My question is what is the purpose of revealing that he was her first? Unless he asked specifically… Was that guy your first, why is she volunteering information? Especially so early in the game. I don't see the point of telling him that.
You can NEVER tell a man that another man that is still in your life, has had your 'cookie'. There will never be a point when it would be cool with your new man. NEVER!!! All you have done is created an uncomfortable environment for you and your man. We as women would be more open to it. But as SBM said they are territorial, and the thought of being around another man who has been with his woman, not happening.
My advice: Pick one, cause now since you revealed that bit of information you definitely can' t have both. Keep your mouth shut!!! Reveal things on a need to basis.
@ All men… whether you know it or not, whenever you show potential to start acting up, women begin and always have options. So, Comeback Girl you are right… 'protection are the ‘possibilities'
@Antidater: Don't say that man … you know how many one night stands and "temporary situations" have been ruined by "toys".
@Mikki: I'm no freak … but the man has a point. How else would a person survive without sex?
@Sheila: Yes you should tell him. Thats something that is hard to keep completely hidden and will eventually come out. When it does … he has perfectly good reason to break up.
@Mikki(2): Its gonna be a long road for you in my eyes … but hey … who am I?
@Ms. Devereaux: As I mentioned before, I think its impossible that a guy won't inquire about this person at some point. If you lie … it will come out. When it does … there will be a fight. And I do agree about being territorial … I don't want to chill or shake this person's hand … he done had whats mine!
SBM – good point because if I found out one of my man's friends was his ex and he didn't tell me–I would be pissed. I'm not going to stop being friends though if my man has a problem with it.
Ya'll done got allllll off-topic. To answer the question: I'm not checking for some dude whose really good friend is his ex or some chick he's hit. I guess I think like a man in that regard. That's not going to sit well with my psyche.
Enjoyed your post. I'll stop by again soon for more tips.
Damn this entry brought back some memories hahaha, think its gonna inspire another blog for today.