This is a reader submission who was looking for a male point of view on something she was dealing with. There was a little description of the situation and some questions … I included my responses right after. If there is something you want me to write on, check the Need Advice page
Lets say you were working towards serious relationship with a woman, possibly dating exclusively for 2 months. Then during a casual conversation, she mentions that the person she lost her virginity to is currently her male best friend. As her boyfriend answer these questions.
“Would you be uncomfortable with the fact the he is still a close friend?”
It depends on what you mean by a “close friend”, when you slept with him, and the situation that ensued. If its obvious to me that you still harbor feelings for this person and he seems to have feelings for you, or there is any question about the “platonic-ness” of your friendship … then yes … I’m uncomfortable. Generally speaking, guys don’t have platonic female friends … its pointless. If he deflowered you just once and it was more of “I need it and trust you” … then maybe … but if you were in love … then I don’t want him around.
Would be upset that she waited 2 months into the relationship to tell you?
Well … I should be on my ball about this stuff. If you have a really good friend that is male and is around you all the time, I should inquire about your history with him. If you actively tried to hide him and your history with him … then I would be more than upset … I’m heated!
Would you be uncomfortable if you and the best friend were in the same room?
I don’t know if “uncomfortable” is the word, but I do feel funny being in the room with anyone who has f*cked my girlfriend (or even just the person I’m sleeping with now). Generally speaking, I don’t want to be around this person.
Generally, as a man I can’t help but be territorial. To know that this other person has “invaded” my territory just bothers me … deep in my core … unless he is gay now or something like that.
Are there any other reaction you may have that I didn’t write a question for?
I personally don’t trust ex’s. I know anytime I have participated in questionable activity (I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend … but …) its usually with an ex of some sort. Its easy to sleep with someone you have slept with.
In addition, you never really stop loving a person. Things change, but deep down, love just doesn’t die. If this guy was your first partner and your first love, then its going to be extremely hard for me to think of him as just “your friend”.
Besides as Biz Markie said “and you say he’s just a friend” … but we all know how that story ended …
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