Home Submission Do I steal her man?: SBM Answers

Do I steal her man?: SBM Answers

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Here is a scenario given to me by a reader. This one was a head scratcher.

Ok here’s the deal. I have a friend, who’s just a friend, who’s married and his wife is cheating on him and I’ve been talking to him about his problems telling him he shouldn’t give up on his marriage, etc., etc., telling him he should go to counseling go to his pastor etc etc…

Lately we’ve been on the phone all day everyday and it’s clear that we’re falling for each other … but he’s married.

My question is like is this for real or is this a transference of energy. He’s everything i prayed for … or so he appears to be. We haven’t done anything, like even kiss or hug, the connection is purely emotional … nothing physical.

My other question is what should i do? I would never tell a man to leave his wife because that’s wrong and I would never intentionally start dealing with another woman’s husband because it’s bad karma, but at the same time I can’t help how I feel and he can’t help how he feels … if you know what i mean. They’ve been married for 2 years and were together 10 months before they got married. Time doesn’t matter, because if it’s Gods hand at work it could be 2 days as opposed to 10 months, but I’m so confused at this point.

Do i walk away to avoid being caught up or do I let go? Or should I let him leave her and be with me? How will he receive favor in God if he leaves her? She did committ adultery first … but two wrongs don’t make it right … although it does make it even?

Signed,
An Unintentional Mistress

This one really made me think. There definitely is the concept of the heart wants what the heart wants … and if the wife is cheating on him … I have no sympathy for a scantankerous scuttle-but like that … but … marriage is something to be upheld and if it can be fixed … that is a good thing (right …?).

Well … I think there are two options … two extremes in this situation … because I just foresee a middle ground working out. Essentially … you need to be with him or you need to leave him alone. Lets examine both in detail.

Fall Back …

At this point, with him trying to fix his marriage … not sure you can remain “friends”. Honestly, its going to be hard for him to work things out with a wife who is cheating on him when he has a good woman (assuming your a good woman … and you must be … cause you read my blog) talking in his ear every night. Its gonna be hard for him to stick it out when the temptation of something better is just so close. If you really want him to work out his marriage … your going to have to significantly diminish your roll as a confidant (read: talk to him like once a week).

Fight for what you want

Well … this woman he is married to doesn’t really sound like a good person or someone who deserves him.  I am all for the sanctity of marriage … but some women are just not deserving of a good man. In addition … we all have some basic rights to do what is personally best for us. If the chemistry is really as strong as you perceive it may be worth your while to put yourself out there and make a serious “move”.

Honestly, I just don’t see you successfully keeping this “friendship” going at this point. You have a strong desire to be with him (“everything I prayed for” is pretty serious talk) and if he is trying to salvage his marriage … your going to make things significantly difficult for him. Also, with him having such a significant role in your life and the tension … it will make your own personal search for love difficult also. Something needs to change …

I’m really going to need help on this one. But as always … the most important part of asking me for advice … is the 50 people who hate me and will tell me I’m wrong … lol.

Comment(99)

  1. The reader said it herself, "two wrong don't make a right." Don't cut him off, but step back a little. Let him be the one to make the final decision on whether or not he wants to "fix" his marriage. If you start giving that invisible push, you will start have the "what if's" journey, questioning if you said or did something that lead to the concluding outcome.

    Right now he's vulnerable, and you don't want to get caught up in something with someone coming out of an emotionally draining situation. Its ok to be a friend who he can vent to, but keep your emotions at bay, so you don't get hurt.

  2. This one for some reason kind of irritated me.

    Let me see, how do I begin:

    First off…all relationships/marriages have their problems- it's how the two people in the relationship/marriage deals with the problem and overcome it that matters. If everytime a married couple isn't getting along, the husband goes and holds long conversations with a female friend about the matter—in my opinion—he's already crossed that line. When you are in a marriage…you are supposed to keep outside influences OUT of your marriage. I would be real leery of a man who is easy to discuss his marital affairs with me and then easily become attracted to me "emotionally". Secondly, maybe I just hold a higher regard for myself and my feelings that I wouldn't allow myself to get wrapped up in a married man to begin with {but I do realize we're all human and things happen whether I deem them smart or totally idiotic}. The sistah needs to fall back and let that marriage do what it's going to do without her influence on it. Two wrongs definitely don't make a right!!!!

  3. Annnnnddddd….

    He's more than likely telling the female friend all his wife's negatives – – – but I can promise you he's not telling her all his flaws. EVERYONE has some -ish with them, some worse than others. We don't know what that man has done since he's been married. How long they dated before getting married is all relative.

  4. I say FALL ALL THE WAY BACK…do not pass go, stop taking phone calls and stop initiating conversations and being his special ear and shoulder to cry on.

    #1 he's married. let him make the decision to leave or stay and work on his marriage.

    #2 he's married. I don't care if all you do is look at each other and TALK about how much she sucks. This in and of itself has created mystery intrigue. And because homegirl still has a bit of a moral compass (and it does appear that he does too), its probably also SEXUALLY frustrating to them both. But its an illusion. Most single people don't have this to deal with. There single. They are working on getting to know each other without another OTHER involved.

    #3. he's married. And how you get him is how you keep him. I personally would wonder what HIS boundaries are…lets say we get together and I have a fight with him, does he run and cry on MY FRIEND's shoulder.

    FALL BACK. LET HIM MAKE SOME DECISIONS, without your shoulder. If you are indeed the one for him. Know that he made the decision ON HIS OWN and WITHOUT YOUR HELP. That would make ME personally feel better. Instead of knowing that I DIRECTLY influenced his decision. In many ways this is a fairy tale. You both are OFF LIMITS. the sexual tension is off the charts. But fall back and see what kind of decisions he can make on his own.

  5. I hadn't even read the comments b4 I posted. I totally agree Ms. Freckles. Again I wonder too about the age of the writer. Because I probably would have thought a little differently 10 years ago. But my mama's saying ALWAYS goes through my head on situations like this; "how you get him is how you keep him." So he's nice and sweet and the victim. But its a little clear on his personal bounderies with your friends. So you got one potential problem going in.

  6. PREACH Comeback Girl!!!! Worded like a champion.

    There are too many UNmarried men on this earth that the reader needs to be seeking comfort and refuge in a married man!

  7. This is a joke post right? please tell me that the morality of the black community hasnt degraded to the point where we stealing other married womens men? now Im not a saint… I know theres times where you wanna get your lollies off with a married person.. but like a library book YOU RETURN IT IN PROPER CONDITION AFTER YOUR DONE. I see this isnt a joke post, because after rereading I see she is trying to justify her actions by stating in the beginning that his wife is cheating on him.

    if you wont listen to me… listen to Erykah Badu. hes everything you dreamed of and need but now is not the right time so "see ya next lifetime"

    if shits THAT bad, give me a call behind the scenes Ill take you out on thursday night……

    Ms Freckles. Dosent matter what the husbands negatives are. what justifies cheating ….. on you HUSBAND? Im as modern as the next man when it comes to stickin a chick with a boyfriend, but come on now I draw a firm line in the sand when 2 people are living together. you have too much invested as far as finance, time, support, estates to mess with that in any way shape or form.

    How long they dated or what the man did dosent matter AT ALL. there is no exscuse.

  8. DAMNIT! I was hoping I would post the sensable response first so I could watch everyone without an x chromosome post the exact opposite! bah my evil plans are ruined and I am now on the same opinion as my deadly arch nemesis captain comback! curses and foiled again!

    Dont just think the poster is young. My sister and cousin both have the same mindset and one has even done the exact same thing… both are over 32 years old single black women.

  9. Good morning all.

    Let me first say I am 27 years old college graduated and I do hold myself to a higher regard. the reason for even asking the question was to simply get another mans opinion on the matter. what u fail to realize is I WILL not intrude on someones marriage. however my talks with him have turned into him saying I wish I would have met u first and blah blah. I do care about him and I am at odds with myself in regards to the whole thing. I have sinced stopped taking his calls as often as he does call. because u r right he could be feeding me a line of bs just to get me where he needs to.

    trust me I am tottally thinkin with my head on this one. I know its wrong to even consider letting this man break 360 degrees of completion to be with me. the bible says he that findeth himself a wife findeth himself a good thing. so I'm a let that train pass me by and wait for a train without so much baggage …

  10. In my dreams I we beautiful and tall and the sky is deepest blue u are there and we are lovers happily living in coexistence our lives are perfect white pickets 2.5 kids and an ugly dog there are no murders or wars in our dreamland no check to check and shut off notices in dreamland we make love every nite and its always amazing our pillows are scented with dust from the heavens u always take out the trash and wouldn't dare leave up the toliet seat there are never fights or arguments in our slumber world you are so handsome so strong and loving there is no talk of this wife and wedded bliss rings and prenups tragically in my dream she's been hit by a bus..several buses the perfect couple? that can't begin to describe the level we are on/ we are the envy of all the fake ass bitches who haunt my dreams dying to be me and wishing they had you.

    But alas this is only fantasy and dreams rarely ever come true so store this mental love song ill be in my dreams waiting for you.

    so with this closing poetic reflect..I'm over it, and I'm again taking applications…lol

  11. "There are too many UNmarried men on this earth that the reader needs to be seeking comfort and refuge in a married man!"

    Exactly….And I thought about that on my way to get some coffee. Its the same concept that we as black people have about wealth…that there isn't enough. And because Mr. Jones makes 500k well he just took from my wealth pot and I can only make 50k..or I'm poor because he's rich. The same applies to men (and women). There is NO real scarcity…when YOU clean your house men you never knew existed show up.

    I think if she had more dating options, this guy wouldn't be so damn alluring. I won't even begin to code crack this email like Steve Harvey would. But when did you meet this "friend" who was "just a friend"? How do you know his wife is cheating? did you see her? is he trying to "villianize" his wife so you will have sympathy sex? …why not be a chick's chick (one who don't entangle themselves with married men ON ANY LEVEL) instead of a "dick's chick" (one who would at any cost).

  12. so whats up…. want me to take you out friday or thursday? I gt boyscouts this weekend so saturday is offlimits. your totally picking up the check though.

    oh and just because the situation has you twisted, dont be less of a friend. you know how hard it is t be a married man and have your woman running around on you? theres a zillion articles in cosmo and a zillion of your aunts to talk to abut it if your a woman, but thats not exactly the topic they will cover in playboy and maxim. the straying wife is a new widespread phenomena and many of us men dont know how to cope or deal with it. and its not something thats very macho and we can bring up with the fellas. its a womans role to be nurturing and supportive for a sensitive issue like this and as a friend… dats You yo!!

  13. @Unintentional Mistress: Wake up and rejoin us in real life. Couple more questions for you…How did you and your married male friend meet? How long have you known him? What about him captured your attention from the beginning? Was it because he was vunerable?

    From reading what I've read, I'm not sure if you are spiritual or religious. Single people must be comfortable with themselves and being a single unit. Perhaps you should visit Creflo and Taffi Dollar's website, figure out what reading material will work for you and check it out from the library. God has giving us several options…and I don't care how many times you've seen "Why did I get married" by Tyler Perry, He will not send us someone is his situation.

  14. "so I’m a let that train pass me by and wait for a train without so much baggage …"

    I think you would be surprised how quickly one shows up…and I wouldn't even expect one with baggage. Some people take short train rides for scenery.

  15. Guess what HNIC, if "unintentional" mistress discontinue being a friend to her married companion, then he will find another female friend to rant with. Otherwise, this young lady has nothing to lose by ending this affair…yet everything to gain = her time, her emotional sanity, and the ability to meet Mr. Right.

  16. ^^ totally agree Neonnea. Steve Harvey had a similiar letter this morning. And basically talked about all the game married men run. Game is game. And unless you saw home girl with your own eyes…well dang gonnit he's still married. Marriage means you made a committment. And if you suspect something has happened that you can't fix, there are ways to remedy it. What you DON"T DO IS BRING IN A THIRD PARTY, as a shoulder to cry on. I mean he just already showed his hand on how he "resolves conflict and things he can't seem to fix"…he runs to another woman.

    this is not a man. I'm sorry.

  17. @neonna; I have known him for about 6 years he is my brothers friend. we were at a function and exchanged email addresses. I'm a sucker for trying to help people with their problems and I guess he played on the fact that I am spiritual and in that I fell for him while trying to be his heroine. its nothing though because the heart exists only to love and be loved. my mind is on another level.

    @hasani ; baby boy.. I would love the chance to take u on your next first date. art museuem? cat on a hot tin roof on broadway? alvin ailey? mary j in concert? or chick fila? let me know and we can go half..lol. only if u promise not to become a SNIOP..

    @comeback

    thanx for the positive feedback.

    @minnie

    quick as I pick em up quick as I drop em off..lol

  18. As a married womam I am cosigning all the way with Comeback! Hot damn if everytime me and my husband disagreed we ran to other people we would have been divorced within two weeks of marriage. Marriage is not easy, it is alsow not hard but THE COUPLE has to work at it everyday and keep outside influences at bay. You are a distraction. If he wanted to have left his wife he would have already no man is going to stay with a cheater unless he believes they can move past that. Don't be a distraction because men rarely leave their wives.

  19. I have nothing to add except I agree with all the other commenters. Karma is a bitch. Don't fall for the okey doke!

  20. @Unintenional Mistress: I hate to be so nosey but when did this "function" occur? Please define function – was it a wedding or a frat party? I like to help people with their problems too…consider a blog. Technically (SBM likes the use of that 🙂 you did meet him prior to him getting married. How close is this guy to your brother? Is that a reason you two didn't talk 6 years ago? How about 4 years ago? You still didn't answer the question – what intrigued you more now vs 6 yrs ago?

    "quick as I pick em up quick as I drop em off" – easier said than done…otherwise, today's blog will be some random rant about a motorcycle ride over the weekend 🙂

  21. @ neonna again u are sooooo right. he will find someone else to express his endless sea of drama too!!

    @comeback the new line for 2008 I'm married but my wife cheating..can u rescue me?? lol

    marriage is sacred. and I believe too strongly in Karma to really even give this a second thought.

    I can say there is supposedly someone for everyone. so whenever my drama free positive minded ambitious god fearing thoughtful romantic honest trustworthy king with a passion for ethnic cuisine ; shows up. Ill feel blessed..wait I'm trippin..does this man exist? ok ill take 7 out of the 9..lol

  22. First of all I believe in the power of words can you PLEASE change your tagline name. YOU ARE NOT A MISTRESS, unintentional or otherwise. You just had a momentary lapse.

    I am waiting on a reply on the particulars regarding Neonna's question and timing at 9:58. I think what she is getting at is really important.

  23. @neonna; and comback the event was a going away party for my cousin. he was stop lossed and deployed to iraq, again. he was my brothers room mate freshman year. I've known him about 6 years but I never really spent much tme around him. it was more so hi and bye. he did live here in pa and then moved to florida where he met girly. I never really took the time to get to know him prior. he was just my brothers friend.

  24. @Akua, why did he choose you…after relocating back to the area? That's not fair to you.

    @Comeback, thanks for suggesting the name change. I believe you can speak things in existence as well.

  25. I agree with Ms. Freckles' earlier reply when she said that the married man is probably only relating one side of the story. To your reader, it probably seems like his marriage is totally in the dumps and his wife is not a good woman. I'm sure if the wife is talking to HER friends, there's a whole different story to be told.

    Also, this relationship has already gone too far. If they've made an emotional connection, then she's already inappropriately involved with a married man. She has already fashioned herself as yet ANOTHER obstacle in the way of this man's marriage and any possible reconciliation. She seems to be a God-fearing woman, talking about he's who she prayed for. Well, she ought to add to her prayers "a man unfettered by the bonds of marriage."

  26. @neonna;

    I don't know why he chose me. and now that I think of it. he probably was setting me up for the let down.

    maybe he always wanted me and never got the chance. maybe I looked like an easy way out of him ending his marriage. or it was a ploy to get some..I think the latter is true..glad I didn't play myself!

  27. I'm so glad she changed the name from unintentional mistress!!!! I was thinking just like comeback girl on that one.

    I think what it all boils down too is being self-sufficient in yourself. Dont' allow a man who obviously has baggage and a WIFE to bring you into his madness.

  28. @ndenise your are sooo right. I have already stepped into their circle and that was wrong. how can I ever expct to have my own 360 degrees of completion if I step into someone elses?

    this this was tearing me up. but I'm cool I'm done w/ the dude.

    he'll have to cry to someone else

  29. Akua please don't be too hard on yourself. Good Lord from up above I have made some errors in judgement. And I plan on blogging on them soon. It is so true though about perception…just know that you're man is coming one that you don't have to share with another woman in anyway shape or form. We always say we want good men. But I think its time to be clear on EXACTLY what we are looking for, not just the physical stuff but the marital status (SINGLE) right down to integrity, and his ability to make sound judgements. To me when you aren't clear everything and anything shows up.

  30. @ms.freckles and neonna; he has 2 by a previous relationship as does she..they have none together.

    @comback queen;

    bless you

  31. ((((hug)))))

    thanks so much ladies!!

    You positive words will resonate with me for days to come. continue to spread knowledge and shine your lights into the world!!

  32. I agree Comeback. I wasn't trying to be judgemental either. Just wanted to do some sort of root cause analysis. If anything, I can relate. The guy who sold me my truck is married (allegedly separated). He was very professional and informative – told me about happening spots in the area and a church to attend based on my needs. However, outside that "deal", I allowed him to come into my life. I was new to the area, far away from home, and vunerable myself. I've imagined myself in his wife's shoes (assuming she isn't cheating). Whould I want some "dick's chick" being available for my man.

  33. Hi Neonnea you and Ms. Freckles read very sincere. I just wanted to preface that …because I think soemtimes I come off as SBM would suggest a little hard. But I as you and many others here have REALY good intentions. I look at different people now like school. You become involved with some people to become a better person for the next person. And then at some point you have two exceptional people coming to together.

    I get really sad about how some of us compete for the same "broken" men. If we only knew, that there are available men out there–that really are AVAILABLE emotionally and acutally.

  34. I agree with Comeback Girl…my words are sincere and I'm not one to judge anyone. Just want women in general to use better judgement in the men they allow into their circles.

  35. @neonna; girl I feel you! in a strong attempt to live drama free. I aspire to live in 4fold harmony; harmony with God first then harmony with myself harmony with other people then lastly harmony with the earth.

    this equates back to the old skool saying "peace that passes all understanding".

    ill get there one day..but as of right now,I'm still trying not to cuss folks out on the reg!! lol

  36. From a single woman's perspective…..

    A bad marriage is a bad marriage, and it has nothing to do with the "unintentional mistress"'s prescene. Even if he is lying about the wife's affair, it is apparent he truly doesn't want to be with her or is unhappy and doesn't want to be married. Now, he has made his bed and has to lie in it until he makes a decision to leave or work it out.

    I don't think it's a 'bad' thing for her and him to befriend each other, we all need confidantes. However, because the unintentional mistress (TUM for short) has feelings for him, she needs to remember that he 'chose' his wife and not to become attached to any romanticized idea of their future. Take each day one by one and stay focused on your personal goals. Love is you, honey. There is no need to search for it.

    I know how it feels to be close friends with someone who is in a relationship, and I know the pain firsthand that one would feel the person they love doesn't recognize it because they are trying to patch something up with someone else that eventually fell apart anyway. But TUM, protect your heart, honey. Drama is inevitable, it really is. No matter how much "in the church" you want to be or toe a fine line, sometimes life throws you a curve ball. The concept of kindred spirits is real and there are times where you are drawn to people, but don't let that alone envelop you. In closing, to parapharse Alice Walker, "I am the one I've been searching for my whole life." Keep that in mind and be blessed.

  37. Man … I knew the comments were deep but I think they have well surpassed whatever little nugglets of wisdom I had to share.

    One thing I will say (partially to just offer something differeng and because I forgot to put it in the post) is that if you fall back and the marriage still dies … then I honestly think you can then look into something with him. The main thing, as Comback mentioned, if you get him by stealing him from his wife, that will almost doom your relaitonship.

    BUT … I will say that if you really do leave him alone … and the marriage still dies of natural causes … then after giving things time to settler (maybe a year) … I would personally see nothing wrong with reaching out to him and maybe dating, but you still will have a ridiculous amount of baggage to deal with.

  38. I'll post my comment before reading everybody elses.

    He’s everything i prayed for … or so he appears to be.

    Its appearances only. If he was what you prayed for he wouldn't come with all the drama. He would be AVAILABLE and he's not available emotionally nor legally. God is not the author of confusion. That's a trick of the devil. He can make it look so good to us, but we know when it's not.

    what should i do?

    I would ask myself a few questions. Do I really want to be with a man who has unresolved feelings for his wife? Do I want to be the rebound chick? Am I willing to settle? All of those questions are important because if you want a healthy relationship, you want someone who is capable of reciprocating your feelings and to be honest, this guy isn't going to be able to do that. Yes, he may say thAt this point, you'ree right things; but reality is it takes men longer to get over things like this. The main thing is, you won't be getting "the best" from him because his wife has ruined it for the next woman. Now given some time, he might be able to heal and move on and be the man a woman needs in her life; but right now, if you value yourself and love yourself, I wouldn't even get involved Why accept temporary gratification that has all the signs of heartbreak written all over it? You deserve better so don't settle.

  39. "A bad marriage is a bad marriage, and it has nothing to do with the “unintentional mistress”’s"

    -I think this is a really dangeroous concept and perception is a powerful and potentially fuyked up thing. Has anyone established that this "bad marriage" with wifey cheating could be a lie? What if "you" ran with the lie and continued the entanglement. And what if he did leave or stayed to continue the entanglement with "you"..that is a really dangerous and slippery slope based off one unproven assumption.

    Befriending is additionally dangerous. If I've got male friends I woudl want my husband to know who they are and that they exist. So how in your mind would this friendship playout with the wife?

    "Drama is inevitable, it really is"

    And so is Karma…why do we make this SO da^mn hard. Why do we LIKE heartache. Life and Love really is simple. And you can help who you are entangled with. A Twin flames/Kindred Spirit could be your DOG, A Grandparent, Your mother…it doesn't necessarily have to be A MARRIED MAN WHO CAUSES YOU PAIN. THATS NOT LOVE. That is CONFUSION.

  40. why are my comments being moderated.

    I believe that this is why men behave so badly because there are women out there who will accept almost ANY behavior. It goes back to the 4 man plan and the unionization thing…there’s always some woman who wants to be “the retarded bison”. (from the 4 man plan)

  41. Comeback Girl,

    I think you may have missed my main point. You (in general) have to determine for yourself what you want to deal with, but emotional ties can make it more challenging to deal with. Yes, a kindred spirit came be your dog, grandma, etc, BUT IT CAN ALSO COME IN MANY FORMS, including a married man. But how far you go is within your control.

    Pain is part of life, and you can move past it. I'm not saying she should play the other woman role, but the fact is, she alone was not the one to ruin the marriage. The husband and wife are responsbile for that. For the record, I did acknowledge that he could be lying, which further solidifies the fact that he needs not to continue to live in that situation. Not to be with TUM, but because its' not healthy.

    So what is love? People tend to think that love is this grand illusion of perfection. Reality is, you can love someone and it be a fuck3d up situation. I don't want her to be in heartache, nor anyone else, but I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. Life can be complex, and that's okay. It's not that damn hard, because it is what it is. Accept, deal, move on. We can agree to disagree.

  42. "Life can be complex, and that’s okay. It’s not that damn hard, because it is what it is."

    I need some clarity Goldi…is life complex or is it easy? I believe life, love, relationships…all that stuff is easy. WE make it complicated.

  43. I think its all relative perhaps. because pain and confusion can take the shape of true love-then thats the experience that you attract and thats what plays out for you.

    But

    My experience only attracts men who are honest SINGLE (unmarried and otherwise unattached)-from there yes we may have challenges but dollars for donuts IT WILL NOT BE ANOTHER WOMAN. And there are MANY soul mates and I KNOW THAT GOD WILL SEND the SINGLE ONE (s). Because I'm worth that much and so are you.

  44. I know there was a kumbaya/sistergirl moment betwixt these comments but, she still was the "other woman" – just in an in an emotional capacity .

    If it indeed turns out to be a "Bad Marriage" then let the MARRIED people handle it.

    I tend to feel no pity for women who get caught up in these types of situatuons because there was a point in time where she could have nipped it in the bud and could have spared herself all these hurt feelings.

  45. You can nip an emotion. Married men carry on these strange entanglements in the work place too-with their work wives. So its not just the internet. It doesn't even have to be over the phone. It could be your cube mate or neighbor.

    "I know there was a kumbaya/sistergirl moment betwixt these comments "

    whats really the point of being anything otherwise. If women have experiences that can help someone else why wouldn'tyou share?

  46. @Goldie —"I think that life gives us trials and challenges, and unless one has truly been in the situation, then one doesn’t know what they may do. It’s easy for all of us to give an opinion from the outside looking in."

    –what gives you the inclination that we don't know from experience. I had my own emotional thing with a seperated man (SEPERATED IS STILL MARRIED) 8 years ago. I could have sworn up and down that he was my soulmate, astrologically compatable future husband, numerology soul mates, twin flame, etc. etc. And I was roped in through a series of lies…I don't think any one of us is pulling this stuff out of our butts.

    @ Shelia-very true.

    @ SBM- "Must we always be villianified!!!" yes you must LOL. Sike just kidding. Maybe I should lay off that theory. Bcuz you were right about you know whose true identity when I went off on my own path…BUT he has crossed some boundaries. You got a female confidant, well she should also be introduced to the wife anything less is a little below the board to me. I say she should go on her way and open up her experience to SINGLE men. If he does wrap up his situation with integrity, lets the dust settle, work on himself…and finds his way back then thats something all together different-at least she didn't have a direct hand in its demise.

  47. The Comeback Girl,

    When I made that comment, I was not specifically directing that towards you or stating that you or anyone else lives in a bubble. I respect your opinion and your life experiences, even if my viewpoint differs. Your POV is just as valid as mines. My experiences just have yielded a different angle in which I apporach things. In short, whatever works for you.

  48. @Comeback: Lightning has struck again, because I agree. The female confidant should be fully disclosed to the wife and a meeting should have been set up a long time ago. If she is a secret … the its a problem. I have a girl who is like my little sister (but not related to me) and anyone I date can meet, talk, or see her … otherwise it seems like I'm hiding something.

  49. Goldie i agree to disagree too. Being a grad of an all woman's college I know ALOT of women. Out of all those women who had the married/seperated man cross to bear, 2 ended up with their "married men" twin flame/soul mates in committed relationships. One ended tragically "made for tv movie" style and the other is dealing with her Karma as we speak, because how you get em, is how you keep em.

    I love those odds. But I apolgize for being judgemental cause I'm sure there is a bad bytch somewhere who could her other woman status, and end up with her married twin flame/soul mate, and then never worry that his next twin flame wouldn't try to rock in her chair.

    do you.

  50. @sbm; I wasn't a secret but she sure as hell didn't know he called me all day every dam* day. in her eyes I was a business contact because I have an event planning /consulting company. which was partly true because I did recently complete grant writing work for him. however only one conversation a week pertained to business other then that I was playing the couch and listening to him cry.

    generally speaking I don't know if he was lying about her cheating on him.

    do you ever know if a person is lying? you have to accept their word as bond unless they are proven to be a liar.

    as much detail as he went into about the situation he is one sick sadistic mf'r.

    but I digress. I did some retail therapy.

    and I'm cool.initially wanted to do a transference of energy but that won't help. so I'm over it.

  51. how the hell did this go from doing something morally wrong to a pity party for the assailant?

    I swear…. only in modern day america with modern day black women could this shit on IN PRINT. no no no and NO she can not get a pass much less a "aww you poor thang" for plotting on another womans husband. The reason men behave so badly is becasuse women are putting up with this? comeback… look around. its NOT the 90's anymore stop playing that weak ass old card. have you even looked at the numbers? black men are STILL getting married at the same rate we always have. its the black women who have lost the moral compass and lack of family values in our society.

    like 30% of black women are married and 47% of black men or something. I mean…. seriously.

    and its conversations like this that are killin us. blame the MAN for this? oh fuck that it takes 2 to tango shit. this is why we stabbin eachother in the streets is because of stuff like this. this isnt a curse a chick out type of situation…. this is a "im already putting aside bail money" type situation the wife would have to come back with. this isnt a small topic. its pretty much reinforcing what I have been saying for weeks.

    this is the stuff we need to start hashing out and fixing in our community.

    Akua: on now that thats over with. Yeah so I cant hep with the energy transference but I can take you out…I mean we can take eachother out! I can pick your brain about this dating thang. My dorky al roker type ass isnt much for being the sexy steamy help you forget a niga quick type…. but Im sweet enough to make ya smile and forget all about lifes daily drama….. at least for a night I seem to lse my magic after that 😀

  52. @hasani first and formost let me stress that I didn't nor have I ever PLOTTED/SCHEMED/OR CONNIVED when it came to someones man. let alone someones husband. this situation and how I started feeling him was not intended.

    I didn't ask for anyones pity. I asked for opinion and advice.

    and about our date..why do u down your self? was that supposed to be funny as far as comparing yourself to al roker? if u don't like u baby then change u for u.

    but if I get with u I'm a love u just the way u are. u never know some girls like the goofy types.

  53. I haven't read everyones comments, only the ones from Unintenional Mistress.

    @ An Unintenional Mistress: You are SINGLE, what advice can you give anyone on marriage? Have you ever been married in the same situation before? If not, what the HELL are you telling him. Your only advice should have been for him to talk to someone who can help him. That only takes one conversation. Let's be real. There are 3 sides to every story, his, hers, and the truth. He is not everything you prayed for because God wouldn't send you someone you couldn't have.

    At no point should you be giving this man advice on his marriage. He shouldn't even discuss his marriage with you. As a single person you have no idea what it is like to be married. You are only looking at the surface. You are allowing this man to cheat with you by building this emotional connection with him. When he first called you and started talking about his marriage you should have immediately killed that convo. Now he is feeding this bullshit about how he wish he would have met you first. Why so he could emotionally cheat on you also?

    You have a burden for helping people…there is nothing wrong with that, however there are certain situations you can't speak on…MARRIAGE.

    Unfortunately, this has went to far and you need to tell him not to call you ANYMORE!. You can't have a friendship with a married man. However, you can have a relationship with a married couple. Since this is not the case you need to exit to stage left. There is no confusion here. LEAVE HIM ALONE TOTALLY. If he wants to talk to someone about his issue he can talk to a pastor, his father, homeboys, counsel or, better yet HIS WIFE.

    It sounds like talking to him is also filling a void for you. Nothing good can come out of this situation.

    NOTE TO ALL MEN: Never talk to another woman unless she is related to you about your relationship problems!

  54. @ms.d;

    the only advice I can offer him is the same advice I offer anyone. I didn't comment I was objective and let him vent. I would tellhim talk to his pastor, told him to make a list about all the good things he liked about her and the bad. then compare.

    asked him to remember when he fell in love with her.

    yes I am single and no I have never been married. but never one did I ever tell him to leave I would tell him to try to salvage his marriage because it is defined by God.

    I told him the same things I would tell anyone.

  55. Akua now though you didn't murder andybody and thusly NOT AN ASSAILANT…you did cross the line WITH him. If you have "fallen" for him and he you, the conversations were more than "couch" therapy sessions. If you haven't "done anything" I do suspect that you might be seeing him, that does in all honesty need to stop along with the phone calls. All the fun is in the chase, on the sneak tip.

    Please work on a distraction(s) other than him and retail therapy. A shoe does not tell you how cute you look. It can't take you to the movies or to the National Harbor on the Potomac. K. do that for Comeback.

  56. @comeback

    your right I have seen him prior but not anymore. as I stated before this got posted I have stopped answering his calls.

    in regards to retail therapy; ur wrong shoes do talk to me lol.

    I'm gng to hedonism in june..

    I'm sure ill meet a nice man in need of a green card..Stella!

    no but u are right comeback I will buzy myself with things other then shopping.

    trust me the issue is dead..

  57. @ Those are good things you told him. But that doesn't take continually conversation. You all are definitely talking about more and thats were you are crossing the line. You can tell him that and let that be the end of the conversation. Again you have not been married and there are 3 sides to the story. He can vent to anyone. Why you? What makes you the special a candidate?

    Just walk away.

  58. Neonnea, I didnt say it was easy….all I was saying if one accepts it for what is it is, one can think more clearly and make better decisions.

    I think that life gives us trials and challenges, and unless one has truly been in the situation, then one doesn’t know what they may do. It’s easy for all of us to give an opinion from the outside looking in.

    And to ‘love’ someone is not soley a romantic gesture. You can love them for who they are, and not be ‘in love’. Sometimes timing is just off…..

  59. “If women have experiences that can help someone else why wouldn’tyou share?”

    The Comeback Girl…exactly. I think for most of us (whether male or female); that’s why we frequent the blog to try to help each other or at the very least see something from a different point of view.

  60. There is just a little too much emotions going on here for me today, I should probably just step out and let you all handle this … but I feel compelled to throw some things out there once in awhile.

    One thing is, I don’t think the potential of the “mariatal problems” being a lie is a real concern. I mean, isn’t that being a little tooo negative to think that he concocted an elaborate story about his wife cheating, and then woudl confide in another women about it all in some effort to “get the draws”. I know we as males, along with people in general do grimy things, but I think that one is really a stretch.

    I am starting to feel like this guy is getting a really bad rep for no reason. I understand the “Waiting To Exhale” moment going on, but this guy may be one of us few good brothers out here and managed to end up with some female who just doesn’t care about him and decided to go cheat. I still feel like TUM should fall back and let things dies naturally, but there is a real possibility and chance he deserves a better woman and his wife isn’t the person.

    Why is it when the wife is said to be cheating, some question “well … how do we know she is cheating” and call the guy a liar instead of throwing sympathy to the man being cheated on. Must we always be villianified!!!

  61. This lady is out of line for even thinking about pursuing a relationship with this married man. I don't care if his wife is a cheating hoe-bag, she has no business thinking about starting a relationship. In fact I do believe there is more to the story than she is letting on. Didn’t it cross her mind that it might be a little inappropriate to have long and probably intimate conversations with a man who is married? If she really loves this man and respects marriage, then maybe she should back off and let him work out his own issues with his wife. If he really wants to leave he would have done it by now. In fact it doesn’t matter how long he has been married to her, the fact is he took a vowel in front of the loved ones and god to make it work. Has she ever thought of the possibility that the man doesn’t want to end his marriage despite his wife’s behavior and wants a side piece for himself? Anyway she’s an idiot if she decides to pursue this relationship.

  62. Oh, and sorry about some of the random filtering that has been going on. My spam filter isn’t liking some of the comments for some reason (in some cases its just too many links).

  63. ME: “I know there was a kumbaya/sistergirl moment betwixt these comments ”

    TCB: whats really the point of being anything otherwise. If women have experiences that can help someone else why
    wouldn’tyou share?

    ANS:

    I wrote it to juxtapose the cynicism of the rest of the sentence. Wasn’t inferring that womanfolk shouldn’t share and so forth…

  64. unless one has truly been in the situation, then one doesn’t know what they may do. It’s easy for all of us to give an opinion from the outside looking in.

    True but not true. I don’t have to experience getting burnt to know if I stick my hand in fire, I will get burnt. I might not listen to you, but at least you forewarned me. Whether you’ve experienced “this” type of situation directly yourself or indirectly because of a friend or family member, this type of thing is not foreign. It happens all of the time. You should have an idea of what you would do or not do.

  65. Shelia,

    You should have an idea of what you would do or not do.

    Again, one truly doesn’t always know…..

  66. Akua: I love me. I think im a great person on the inside. Almost to the point where I pity other people who are shallow and bad people out here. Al roker isnt a self put down. when you see al, hes happy and jolly, ever see my man down?

    I wake up at work and come home everyday with a big ol smile like 😀 I can share that smile with others and thats whats good in life right now. makin others happy not just myself. so if you live anywhere in a 2hr drive of Jersey we can set up a random blind date for the end of the week.

    If your an axe murderer I have witnesses here since we all know Comeback and stalk.. I mean track you down if theres any foul play 😉

    no I wasnt sayin you were askin for pity. you wrote clearly to ask an opinion and start food for thought. the whole thing went wrong when the sisterhood started looking for reasons to say "poor you." I mean, even you are grown enough to know and say that even the thought of adultery is amoral.

    about being a friend. This is where i disagree with the others (nothing unusual) but as a man and a man who was in a marriage type situation. I can tell you its very confusing and frustrating area to have a straying mate. like I said before you cant talk to your "boyz" about something like that and its not really a noticed enough issue that you can read about it every month in playboy/Maxim. I would sure as hell want my close females to talk to. Us men cant be vulnerable with everyone.

    dont worry hes not tryin to leave his wife for you. Every dude knows he wants the piece at home more than he wants the piece in the street. you get remorseful at times and may ask yourself "why didnt I start life with you insted" but no man is jumpin out of even a sinking ship to go onboard another vessel. thats just not how domesticated men think. and besides… if you wanna take the pimp angle… what dude is gonna look soft in front of a chick he wants to slide the pipe too? we all know women hate squishy men and dont find it sexy. my man is just venting not trying to jump the broom with you. take it from another former domesticated black man and not from single bitter black women who have no clue. my perspective is more accurate…. dont cha think?

  67. Hasani and Akua yall both live in the tri state area. Yall's date is just a turnpike and 6 tolls away. Hasani why don't you email Akua. Sbm can negotiate all that, just put good emails in the email box. And make the magic happen. If you Akua don't check in within 24 hours we will cal l the IP police. If Hasani is missing for 72 hours we will first just lay back and chill for a minute….sike…we will…well we aren't too sure what the hell we would do.

  68. I am actually very afraid that you know where everyone lives….. how in the holy hanna montana do you know where we live?

    Im wearing crimson playboy underwear incase you didnt know enough already comeback 😉

    not that I must always think life is one big sociological experiment… but we can draw comparisons from single black male and single black female perspectives afterwards 😀

  69. @comeback; I'm a leave u my momma number in case u don't hear from me!! then u know he has me tied up in his basement! lol sike…

    @ hasani u can email me if u would like..I have 20 questions for u anyway..lol

  70. so you read other womens post but skim what single black men say on a forum titled single black man?!

    and its "lets go to the video tape" (warner wolf) not check the tape :p

    Akua: and I would email you how….?

  71. I am in a similar situation myself. I have a friend whom I recently foundout that his wife was unfaithful to him. We are close and I am in love with this man but I have never told him my feelings or given him any idea that I have this love for him. I know he is attracted to me and I think that he knows I feel the same way-we just do not do anything about it. It makes me cry sometimes because I know that she only there for his money and he is a wonderful man who deserves love and honesty in a relationship.

  72. God do I hate this! I'm his friend, I listen to him, and his wife is cheating on him…Blah, Blah, and Blah…. They are married! End of story. Let them work it out for the good or the bad. If "God" wanted you to be with him then you would be his wife! Some women make me so mad with this story. You don't live with him, you don't pay bills together. You don't have the job of raising kids together. It's whole different story when you’re in the grind of the day-to-day marriage or a committed relationship. He or she are only going to give your their side of the relationship! I see this from my so-called sista's all the time. I don't condone anyone cheating, but people wake up from your selfish needs and leave that person alone until they can give you an honest, loving relationship! Instead of the poor me story.

  73. There is 84 commits here not sure if anyone has already said this but…..He is not everything you prayed for. Im sure you did not pray for a married man.

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  75. normally i hate the idea of anybody stealing boyfriends-because i have a boyfriend and i say &$^# you! to anyone who thinks they're going to steal my man. however, i also honestly have no idea about whether trust can be rebuilt after cheating, and if someone cheats, it seems pretty hopeless–but he's definitely going to be agonizing over this woman for a long time, because that's what any good person would do. if you do anything dishonest like try to steal him away, you'll look like an opportunistic bitch. You should say "look, I don't want to interfere with your marraige right now in any way. seek professional or religious help the two of you, and i hope that it works" you don't have to say you're falling for him–he'll read between the lines. i'm sure things must be very confusing, but you have to force yourself to do this , it's the best thing–and then if his marriage doesn't work out, you will be his ideal.

  76. Okay I am hearing a lot of negative responses about her even maintaining a friendship. Do the ladies here not talk to their female friends or the guys with their male friends. If you keep it to friendship there is nothing wrong with the guy sharing his troubles with you. That's what friends are for sometimes. The possibilities of more should be stopped. Be firm on this if you have to but don't let yourself become his crutch; emotional or sexual. My best friend is a guy and I'm a girl, and we've talked relationships and even sex, on a friend basis. If both people are mature you can have a friendship with (yes even married) people of the opposite sex. Just don't let it go beyond friendship, and if you start to feel the urge to lean him away from the Mrs., let the helping end.

  77. How could this possibly be "God's hand at work". Im nit Christian but I do know covering thy neighbors wife (husband in this instance) is a no no. According tothe good book neither one of y'all will receive "favor in God"!

    And to say he is everything you prayed for can't be true unless you prayed for a married man but in either case God would not send you a married man! Smh

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