Home Dating & Relationships Dating Did Text Messaging Ruin Romance? … Naw

Did Text Messaging Ruin Romance? … Naw

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“I haven’t talked to you in 4 days … whats wrong”
“Haven’t talked to me … I sent you 1500 text messages. I know what you’ve been up to every hour”
“I said talk”
“What the f*ck …”

I received a few emails asking me what I think about the use of text messaging for dating in the 2000s. I’ve had a few conversations with females (and a couple guys) alerting me to the hatred of SMS (the official name for text messages if u aint know). Apparently this invention has changed the game for years to come.

Personally … I am all for them (big surprise … right).

I yearn for human contact. I love to talk (I think I like to hear my own voice … spoken or written). My female friends will tell you about the hours I spent on the phone talking about whatever … back in college. They will also tell you how it all dried up as soon as I started working.

I will admit … text messaging isn’t a complete replacement for the phone. If your thinking about a relationship with a person and you hear their voice no more than once a week … thats a problem. If someone really really really likes you … they will call to talk to you, hear your voice, or just show that they like you (women gotta call too … this goes both ways). This … I will concede.

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But I enjoy the newfound freedom to catch up with that special person while waiting in line at Subway. I like being able to hear about the randomness of your day as it actually occurs. And I appreciate the fact that although full blown conversation is out of the question (the presenter running the meeting might object to you telling you girl how vicious that head game was last night) … you still wanted to share something with me. And if that means I don’t have to spend a full 4 hours on the phone catching up with you every night … then even better.

Honestly, if there is anything text messaging, emails, IMs, and the other forms of constant text based communication … its overload. Needy people become even needier. Like VSB said too much is too much.

But I can’t finish this without saying … time is precious nowadays. If I can text you in my downtime, or while busy taking over the world … isn’t that worlds better than no call at all!

Embrace the text people … just not too much for you needy, I aint got my own life, I need to talk to you every 15 minutes, “what u mean your phone was off” type of people!

Comment(241)

  1. "I will admit … text messaging isn’t a complete replacement for the phone. If your thinking about a relationship with a person and you hear their voice no more than once a week … thats a problem. If someone really really really likes you … they will call to talk to you, hear your voice, or just show that they like you (women gotta call too … this goes both ways)"

    Lets be Extra clear here. If a MAN really really likes you and is thinking about a relationship with you, he will pick up the phone to talk to (A WOMAN) and its way more than once a week.

    I do believe that women can call, but not ALOT and not in the courtship phase, generally to only return messages or confirm we're meeting at 9 and not 830.

      1. That book is older than dirt. I've been doing that longer than the rules. It goes back to pursuit. A MAN (not a boy who wants to compete with a woman) likes to pursue. Besides I HATE the phone. I've worked with them for more than 8 years. How I find my phone (land and mobile) is by someone calling-right now since last night, I have no idea where either one of them is.

    1. I still can't get over how crazy it is that you are so obsessed with talking on the phone and demand consistant phone calls, yet seem scared to call somebody???

      1. I still can’t get over how crazy it is that you are so obsessed with talking on the phone and demand consistant phone calls, yet seem scared to call somebody???

        I agree. It doesnt make any sense

        1. Did the Champ just grace us with his presence over here…lol, we're staying away from reply boards…the users have spoken.

  2. I think that text messaging is the end of the formal communication as we know it. I ususally do not send nor accept text messages after quitting time. There is no reason why a grown ass man who is sitting at home has to text me. If he can't pick up the phone and talk then why bother. I usually text about 1600 messages a month but most if not all of those are during work hours. I can't embrace texting a man just for the hell of it, if he's not out somewhere and can't talk then it's a different story. But I deserve more than a emoticon to let me know ur feeling me…sorry SBM but I can't and won't get on this text message ship.

    1. I yearn to hear the voice of that man I care about. Therefore, after working hours if he is still texting me 1) he is talking about the company he is presently with 2) don't want them in his "romantic business" or 3) with another chick…

      1. Not at 10 o'clock at night…I think it's like liquid courage but in an electronic fashion. That's exactly what it is actually, it gives men(and women) the opportunity to say things that they wouldn't normally have the courage to say and it's rejection alot easier since you don't have to hear the disgust in a person's voice when they say hell naw. Texting is electronic courage…which personally I have little time for.

    2. Teacia, you made a good point. Afterhours when the guy isn't working, he should pick up the phone. Last night this guy text me to see if I was still up. I responded yes then he called. I'm like, why didn't you call in the first place instead of texting me.

      1. Well that I can understand, most of the time I don't hear my text go off in the middle of the night but if I do it may not wake me up completely…now a phone call with definitely wake me up. I would actually take that as a considerate gesture of wanting to talk to me but not disturb my rest.

        @SBM: I actually like the reply boxes…did I mention that already…lol.

        1. Teacia it was his way of testing the waters. He wanted to make sure I wasn't upset at him about something. He figured if I responded to his text it was safe to call.

        2. I am officially ganking 'electronic courage'..LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm letting you know Teacia.

  3. Useful for telling someone I'm stuck in a meeting. Horrible if a lazy man is trying to use it as his sole means of communication with me. So yes, texting has ruined romance!

  4. Hilarious!

    NO text or PHONE is definitely not for those needy folks…if you dont respond to their texts within five or ten minutes they'll send you another asking "where are you and "did I say somthing wrong"…"[email protected] I'M WORKIN–give me a minute!" LOL

  5. oh the text message.. I am a recovering text a holic..I text whenever and where ever I can..5000 a month I'm up to. it does take the feeling out of a conversation because words can be misintrprtd and miscontrued while being read through text. so in 2008 I say call me if u wanna hear my voice. text me if u wanna talk dirty..lol

    on that note..

    be blessed beloveds..

  6. I'm not a fan of the threaded reply either actually. SBM: Can you go back to the old school please??

    My text messaging went up dramatically when I got my smartphone last year. Prior to that I had a flip and texted only as needed because it's such a pain on a regular cell.

    It can be very helpful HOWEVER: If the only way you communicate is via text message, you are stunted. Grow up.

    I have a lil youngin who loves to text me. We talk sporadically and I told him the next time he contacted me he needed to call me. His response (Via text): Y??????? I replied back: Because grown ups TALK ON THE PHONE, not type on it.

  7. I personally like the reply box but we don't have to use it if everyone is getting confused and annoyed, SBM just don't remove the format b/c it's much easier to type in the comment box without any delays.

  8. Since there are like 50 million different discussions going on at one time I figured it would help … but I will admit … it does make it hell to keep things up.

    @Comeback: Its not cheating … I'm just mad I can't keep up over there like I want to.

  9. Since threaded comments are a big change … I made a poll to answer the question once and for all.

    Never let it be said SBM isn't a man of the people!

  10. @Comeback: Lets be real … I'm not going to pose every single change I am thinking about and get feedback. I know how you in particular argue … focus of the site isn't on blue vs. red.

    I will say though … if I do something that everyone just really really hates and I don't feel strongly about … it can go.

  11. Okay so we're not going to do the reply thing but again PLEASE don't remove the option, the other way was SUPER slow, despite the 3MB of Ram I just upgraded to. I don't have to type my answers on a blank document and paste it anymore…lol.

  12. Hmmm…I guess I'm wrong because I prefer talking to my man via text msg rather than on the actual phone? lol.

    I'm not a big phone person (yet, I can't live without my cell phone next to me) – – – so my preference of communication is in person or via text msg.

  13. SMS…. they are so convenient! Sending a clear, concise message that can be thought through is priceless.

    I'm not a big phone person anyways so texting really helped keeping in touch… Not everybody is keen to the idea though.

  14. @Comeback: On rule books. If you are a new millennium woman (with a pen*s) write a new rule book. Why are you defering to something written for the 1950s in 2008?

  15. just shot akua and I now, we text eachother like all day long. theres nthing wrong with texting. I gt the mogul so i could text more. and most of al texting helps me weed out the women who are just using you for entertainment. because if a woman cant text you at least once in a day then she dosent have you on the mind at all. texting dosent take time, it just takes minimal effort. if a woman cant put forth effort then shes not realy with it and she wants to be home on saturday night with her double date with ben and jerry.

    sometimes its overdone. I have a woman… actually ill call her a girl. She met me at a mixer and was very flirty. had game, and we exchanged numbers. I think that was in april… we have spoken on the phone once and never seen eachother since then. but I get text messages from her talkin shit. its cute, but shallow. text reinforces conversation but it cant sub for it.

  16. @Anti: Its been hell without you … never do that again.

    And your right … the rules probably include something about cooking and cleaning your bonnet.

    @Teacia: The slowdown was related to the counter. Thats not coming back … your good.

    @Ms. Freckles: Thank you … thank you so much. I knew it wasn't just me.

    @Ms. Sula: Honestly, I like the 160 character limit. Makes me get creative yet stay concise.

  17. I dunno, I rather like unlimited charachters…. wonder why. ๐Ÿ™‚

    now that anti is back can we teach me t be a ruthless mr bad guy so I can actually get one of my dates to not trample me ๐Ÿ˜

    Im getting dangerously close to 50 dates… that would be a total disaster to say you failed that many times.

  18. Just for grins I wonder if the folks that like texting more as a primary means of communication are under or over 30??? Indulge me would ya'll???

    1. Tiffany in Houston, I don't think it's an age thing. I know an equal amount of over 30 orunder 30 who like it or don't like it. It's just a matter of preference really.

      1. I kind of have to agree with Tiffany. If your older, you grew up in a time when there weren't text messages and you were just accustomed to spending hours on the phone at night at your house (because there was no cell phone).

        The generation that has come after me has grown up on text messages. My little cousin actually texts her mother about where she is and going and whatnot. This girl has a blackberry in highschool.

        1. All my fam that are 40 + are technically sauve. However, they just don't like to be reached by everyone and chose not to be reachable via cell phones.

  19. I like texting.. I've met some women who hate how much I text. But I'm too busy to have a 10 minute converstation about how my day is… what i'm doing…lol

    SBM I have to agree with you.. take over the world…and text/email while ya multi-task.

  20. @Tiffany: I'm under 30, but I wouldn't say text messaging is my primary mode of communication.

    @Eathan: Its like your supposed to cancel your meeting, stop working, and delay phase 3 of the plan to rule the world so she can tell you (over the phone) about the that crazy chick at work.

    @HNIC: Don't worry … we'll get your batting average to something respectable.

  21. I actually like txt messaging, I guess its because I'm usually busy running all kinds of errands or working on something. I can't really multi-task while talking on the phone because I feel its rude not to give the other my full attention. However, if txting is our sole communication, then there is a problem. My cousin try to hook me up with one of her male friends. Me and him, literally had these long story book conversations over TXT..now that irritated me, I called..we talked..but he's never really called me. He, on the other hand, has no problem popping around sending me txt messages when he is good and ready…lol..and he wonders why I'm not jumping up and down to meet him.

    I don't see a problem with text messaging, but common sense should kick in, when its going over board and your getting 3 "pages" of txt from one response because someone can't stick within the 160 character limit.

  22. @Tiffany: Now that I think about it, the only men who seriously indulge in the texting game are all under 30. The men that I date who are well into their 30's have very little time for texting…and they understood that it's take away from what their trying to accomplish and that's equal communication w/o any misunderstandings that can derive from texting.

    1. I am dating the wrong 30 + men. They can send me a text and I call them back…I don't know, I was driving, and they won't pick up. Pisses me off!

  23. @SBM: Oh I disagree, electronic communication just might be in the realms of your comfort zone.

    @YBL: Yep, I actually had to call someone mid text b/c I was annoyed with all of the conversation he was attempting to have over SMS. Granted I have a Palm, so texting is not an issue, I'm actually an advocate for general messages but full blown conversations that take place while NOT during work hours is another story.

    1. You trying to discount my silver tounge??? My mouthpiece is worth its weight in gold. Text is just more convienent. I'm always comfortable (yeah … had to feel myself real quick).

  24. Text messaging shouldn't replace communicating verbally or in person. Some folks take it to the extreme and that's where the problem is. I have relatives and friends who we all either text message or email each other during the day. I don't actually have to talk to whoever I'm dating all day everyday. There are times where a phone conversation isn't private enough so a text message will do. Communication is important to any relationship and with texting, IMs, etc there's no excuse not to communicate. Texting however shouldn't replace a phone call; just like a phone call shouldn't be used to replace face to face communication.

  25. with how "busy" most black women i have met this past year seem to be all the time… i would think the sistas on this board would be heavy in favor of text. perhaps its a regional deviation? or could it just be that Im corny and people dnt wanna speak to me face to face ๐Ÿ˜€

    heehee

  26. @SBM: I've been grinding and not sleeping working on the new venture. Good look Hasani on holdin down the fort!

    @ Neonnea: So…when is this neck sniffing gonna pop off??? I got the Gautier on today…

    @Teacia: lol @ whining like a lil b*otch. Such abuse!! I got ya back SBM!

    I have had a few instances were a young lady and I would textversate. It does not replace a voice on the phone or face-to-face but it sure as hell helps!

    1. whoa whoaaa. please filter conversations I have with you as a person with content you provide to the masses on the blogs woman.

  27. I'm late getting to this, I see, but I like the text flirting.

    You might not want to say anything important or lengthy via text (if it's more than 160 characters, you need to call), but some flirting and creative naughty talk… well I'm ALL for that.

    It's also nice to hit someone with a "Thinking about you" text.

    What I hate, and this just happened to me, is a dude hitting you with the I'm-too-cool-and-casual-to-type-full-words type text. Example, "Miss ya." Um, clearly that's a tactic so you can say something without being too committed. As if typing "I Miss You" is going to drown you in a sea of commitment. This is almost as bad as "Luv u" or something like that. I know we type in abbreviations in the world of text msgs, AIM and email, but damn.

  28. I totally agree with you SBM!!! I love the ability to text, IM or email, while handling business. The other great thing is that it gives you time to answer the way you want. I like phone time too, but sometimes you are so busy you don't have time to talk for long periods of time. When that 'special' person crosses your mind it's nothing wrong with sending a text to let them know you are thinking about them. I do enjoy talking on the phone and spending time together also, just don't knock the talkless communication.

    I live on text and IM and when I get time we can chat on the phone. But if a guy doesn't like that then, of course he need not apply. Who wants to talk on the phone all the time? Plus if you are on the phone in public it can make you unapproachable. But you can continue with your life and make someone feel good all at the same time I don't see the problem.

    For those that don't like texting all I can say is Welcome to 2008!!! Get with the program.

    Feel free to text me anytime.

  29. @ Comeback: Please explain what you mean in this statement… Are you saying women shouldn't call a man at all during the courtship phase?

    I do believe that women can call, but not ALOT and not in the courtship phase, generally to only return messages or confirm we’re meeting at 9 and not 830.

    1. oh Lordy Lordy…I PERSONALLY don't believe that once a man has expressed interest (and once you have decided you LIKE him in a "I would actually give him my number" way, that a woman should be doing a whole lot of calling. I personally believe that (and this goes back to VSB yesterday and previous comments) that a MAN (an alpha male) likes to PURSUE. I'm not rude. I would call if he left a message, if we were to meet somewhere and I was running late etc etc.

      But I also was raised around alot of men growing up…and I remembered the women that my cousin's and younger uncles really dug–it was the ones that weren't doing ALL, MOST of the calling. And like I said in addition I'm not a number one fan of the phones in my possession. I leave my cell in my car, at the grocery store/dept store. And right now I told my mama I was gonna call her back. And I probably won't –not till tomorrow.

      1. Ok I get it. I don't call men alot at all. If you call me then I will probably return your call. Sometimes I may randomly call on a Sunday or a free evening. But I think that is because I am so busy I just CAN'T sit and chat on the phone. I guess thats the reason I like text messages and IM so much. Plenty of times guys tell me I don't call them, but I am trying to do better. Its a shame, I always ask when I meet a guy "Do you text?"… Getting better more phone convos for me next month…lol

        I get your point though.

      2. The Comeback Girl that's usually how it works. If you don't call or text message a lot the guy will be ringing your phone off the hook trying to figure out why he hasn't heard from you.

      3. This has come up before, and it just seems like Comeback has a true hatred for calling any guy … like she is too good to dare pick up a phone and actually show interest in a man. No … he must grovel and come to her on hands and news and beg just to have the phone picked up when he calls. This is just crazy to me.

        If you don't beleive me, read her post here where she says that even going to the hospital is no reason she shouldn't get her nightly call.

        Sorry … had to put you out there … still love ya

        1. Well I'm usually not a caller either…I call if he's expecting something and I know I'm going to be unavailable but for the most part I only return calls or text messages…rarely you'll get the spark up text and call…and unfortunately even then I must be super bored. Sorry SBM.

        2. SBM your tactic for roasting me at the stake isn't exactly WORKING is it. And where oh where in my "ringy dingy" post did I say TO NEVER EVER NEVER EVER EVER EVER call a man? Please highlight this for me. This comes down to what you want to believe about me. But if its difficult for me to call my own mama back-whom I love dearly, then certainly perhaps the whole "let me call brother man" is not all the way programmed in me aside from my chilvary needs.

          I also can't help that you like to be chivilarized too. That just won;t work. If my man needs to feel soft and pink, then maybe he should find an aggressive and masculine woman. Like I outlined for Hasani –a feminine man is not bad. You just can't have a feminine woman and a feminine man coming together to form a forevership. But in courtship, in dating I want to be the delicate flower princess goddess…now you wanna be that too?

        3. LMAO…damn I have never agreed more with Comeback than I do now. This goes back to my very first day of commenting…feminine women don't like needy little men..a.k.a. whiners. I personally like to be the female in the situation, I'm not much for needy men, or those who feel they need the same effort from me that they're giving(I know Hasani is about to convulse), but it's just not the way it's supposed to be. Men are SUPPOSED to go above and beyond to prove their worth. I'm the Grand Prize…calling me and paying for drinks, meals dates or whatever allows you to be in my presence, making me feel special and wanted is not too much to ask for, especially when considering the prize comes along with a woman who will have your front and back until the end of time. And I believe that women who don't understand this concept truly don't know their worth..(mind you I said understand and not solicit)…and men who don't understand it don't know it either.

        4. Well SBM might dissmantle this blog now. Sadly women have caused men like SBM to be what he is. He's always waiting for "who got next" …but he don't know that its all a gamble. I can make a subtle hint at a guy that I like him, sometimes he gets it, and sometimes it goes over his head. I score, sometimes I don;t. But if you LET me be the woman and you stay in your lane. It could be your greatest cheerleader…but if you nickle and dimin' my soft and pinkness, well we got a problem.

        5. To tired to really dig into ya … but at the heart of it … I just don't think you give what you demand and you come off as hypocritical.

          If you can't muster the effort yo call your own mom … why do you expect someone to call you from the hospital room just to chit chat.

          I have no desire to be soft & pink (I don't look good in pink and got issues with being soft) … but I'd like to know that I'm putting effort into someone who deserves it. After scores and scores of selfish women who want the world and give you nothing … your gonna have to calm down with demanding I call you from my hospital room.

          Tecia … while I thought your "give life & limb for my man" was a bit extreme … it makes me think your juice just might be worth the squeeze. Seems like you might be that rock!

          But for comeback who wants the world, walks around with a big swinging dick, and has yet to remotely come close to saying one thing she would do for her man (while I listed about 50 of the things I would do for my woman here), I never hear you talk about your role as a good girlfriend, wife, or even FwB. All I hear is soft & pink.

          Soft & pink is fine … but I will want a back rub, some supportive words as I conquer the world, or head in the car (old joke) from time to time from my queen.

        6. SBM your list was very special…but if I recall I believe that there was a battle of the blogs going on and you were "motivated" to provide this laundry list, that no doubt appears sincere.

          As for your tryouts …I don't ever remember signing myself up…so if you find good fresh juice by all means squeeze (on that special collander to catch the pits)…not that you've just reduced a woman to fresh ripe produce …I'm tired ..and I still have a ton of work to do.

        7. Really … you tried to discredit my argument by claiming my statement reduces a woman to produce. I was hoping for a lot better.

          You are tired … go back to work

        8. I…ummmm…didn't get offended. I actually thought it was funny as hell, I actually laughed hard when I read it….but thanks for the "defense".

  30. courtship is dead. either we are on or not. why would I put frth extra effort like my grandfather had to? again this is one of the reasons why we are all single and the marriage rate is droping.

    as I have said many times, if you give me the choice between fighting hard to win a womans affections and staying home downloading jenna jamisons latest video and playing Xbox…. guess which Im gonna do?

    see back when granddad has to court grandma…. she wasnt going to say no at the end. she was just happy to be taken out of her house and not be an old maid. I cant put forth the effort now … because theirs a HUGE chance your not going to reward me for it at the end. And theres always going to be somene willing to accept less than you to do the same job.

    August thru November I had such problems dating and finding women. the reason? I was sleeping with a "cougar" and she was KILLIN me on the regular. I mean… I still feel faint thinking about it. But she was just happy to have someone young in her clutches and didnt ask much and offered much much more in return. So when I went out and started to get the run around on my dates… I wouldnt put forth as much effort because "i could get it elsewhere" with less hassle.

  31. Ummm no its not ideal for me miss comeback. of have you missed the past 2 months f me talking about love and nappyness?

    kinda like me asking you if you find your life as a spinster ideal?

    1. Hasani I'm not afraid to date…and not necesarily be "married" to the fact that I may not be dating my future husband, life partner, the man who shares my headstone…..dating sometimes helps to orientate you to what you like and don't. I do sometimes wonder if I'm dating my f"uture forever, for always, for love" (Luther covered by Lalah Hathaway. BUT I'M NOT PRESSED in a way that it clouds my judgement because I just want any old warm body who doesnt ask for much.

      1. if you werent working… and you were a woman in her 30's…

        would you be pressed to find a job.

        now which is more important in life… to love or to have your corporate job and your corporate expense account so you can get your gucci sunglasses and prada bag?

        I already know which one you will say.

        but chew on this. I dont folow the bible word for word… its more of a guideline. but last time I checked one of the 7 blessed sacriments was NOT having the corner cubicle and fluffing up my resume/pedigree by finishing an MBA.

        1. Ok seriously if "I" weren't working in my mid 30's then I must have one helluva husband…garden society and PTA Association here I come. I'll be the first to admit that I would give up corporate America and my aspirations to run the world in a heartbeat if the exchange was a man who cherished me and could financially provide for our family w/o my assistance. I would however still run my non profit organization, gotta give back to the community, but my 9 to 9 would be history!!!!

        2. "if you werent working… and you were a woman in her 30’s…

          would you be pressed to find a job."

          Right this second? today? given my past experience, what I know ….not sure if "pressed" would be the word. If right now I lost my contract…I could probably still live comfortably for several months. I think I would reassess what I wanted to do, I CERTAINILY wouldn't take the FIRST job that came my way. I'd test the waters out a bit, interview, see who was offering what, Salary is a primary consideration but not the ONLY one. Working atmosphere is a creature comfort, I would want to know what the people I would be working for, with, over, under…what they would be like. I would WEIGH my decision with careful consideration.

          Now is that the answer you thought I'd give? is pressed in there at ALL??? There were some jobs that I jumped at right away out of sheer panic…that wasn't exactly the best decision I ever made.

          to you get what I'm saying Hasani???? Sometimes something that is slow cooked tastes better….why do you think Emerald Lagasse and Wolfgang Puck ALL sell great crock pots….BECAUSE some foods that take longer to prepare ALSO TASTE THE BEST.

          got it????

        3. Comeback good answer….but to touch on what seems to be Hasani's mental state and what's he's getting at…what if you are several months into your unemployment after having a job that you really loved in the field of your choice, your Range note is due, condo association dues, mortgage is due and your funds are beginning to get a little low, will you feel the pressure to take the next job that comes your way or will you still be a examinate when considering employment?

          Hasani seems to feel like time is winding down and with all of the offers he's gotten nothing has suited him. He experienced what he felt like was true love and can't figure out why it's so hard to find something similiar in a race he loves, so he's feeling a little pressed and concerned that what he want isn't out there which seems to have caused him to take up this pessimistic tone to dating and relationships.

          @Hasani: Comeback gave a r'really good analogy for choosing a mate, you're only 30 and as much as you loved what you had in your last relationship it didn't work out for a reason. Be patient, try not to be pressed because she is out there, take up a more positive tone. What you put out, you get back. If you keep saying she isn't out there you will completely miss her when she presents herself. I have nothing negative to say to you because I feel your pain, I just choose to have a positive outlook towards love and relationships, and since I've taken this up I've been flooded with good men who don't get tired of me, I'm just looking for the right fit.

        4. "what if you are several months into your unemployment after having a job that you really loved in the field of your choice"

          Its a tough answer because I believe that when you're really good at what you do (usually proportunate to also WHAT you love) you rarely find yourself in DIRE straights like the ones above. Which kind of goes back to thought consciousness (but i don't want to open up that can of worms right now)…I just think that if you're really open using all the neceassry tools, gut check, mental preparedness etc you just don't SURPRISE end up with no resources to cover your expenses. I just didn't wake up one day and say. Today Im going to buy a RR. I test drove it at different of courses for at least 3 years. I figured out what I would need to make to also not be pressed about the payments everymonth etc etc.

          So I think that the premise is a little shaky. When you do what you love, you just don't randomly end up unemployed…it doesn't go on for months and months and months…because if you're good the market DEMANDS you. If you're not. Thats the time to develope what is…so yeah you might take something you HATE..but you don't commit to IT. (going back to Hasani) You keep finding what lights your fire, which also requires that careful consideration again…and to me if your mind is right IT ALWAYS WORKS OUT.

        5. So instead of answering the question you attacked the premise…well let me break it down for you, and now that you've had your coffee I'm sure you'll keep up.

          The economy sucks, people can't afford to pay for luxury services anymore(i.e. consultants)…ur great at what you do but the demand has gone down, your client files bankruptcy for reasons unrelated to your performance…NOW you have NO job…no one is looking for extra expenses b/c we are officially in a recession(i can't believe that in this market you really called my premise shaky), so it's hard for you to get another contract at the moment. good or not people just don't have the money…you live off of your savings until they're all gone…what do you do now? do you take the first thing that comes your way or do you hold out the next dream job? (again this is analogy to Hasani's mental comparison…i'm just trying to get you to see it from his eyes)

        6. Teacia

          That wasn't a personal attack. The premise doesn't make sense to me. I think when you look at the way in which an American consumer/worker thinks I kind of understand. But you are asking me to make suppositions that don't fit my reality.

          And so maybe this does go back to thought consciousness. But I personally don't think the economy sucks. Yes to the average American worker in middle America, yes the US economy is not going gang busters. EVERYTHING IS ON SALE. (which makes me think of opportunities rather than what's missing). By pure definition of classical recession, we still don't quite fit that trend. Can it happen sure. But does slow growth mean negative growth, no. It requires a different mental constitution. Everything runs in cycles, the markets up –the markets down. Everything that expands must contract. But luckily things don't all contract at the same time.

          I don't know what answer you are looking for from me. I'm wired slightly differently (maybe its a good thing maybe its bad), but IF I lost my contract (which was recently extended to the beginning of 2010) I'd probably take the offer that I got a month ago. If the offer a month ago fell through. I'd rely on what I am doing on the side (which is part-time consulting that I could grow into fulltime. I just dont have the time). If all that fell through, I'd move overseas. The GLOBAL economy is gangbusters, my background is in a technology that europe helped invent. If the European wireless economy fell through, I'd call a friend who is doing some stuff in Japan with his wife. If the bottom fell out of Asia, Europe and Japan, I'd go to Dubai. I also know someone there too. and if the bottom fell out of the United Arab Emirates well hell…maybe I would have to give my RR back, sell my house, move in with my mama..I dont know!!!

          This all ties in perfectly with Hasani. He's in such a big damn rush to find a woman. Dating 3400 women to fulfill this yearning desire to start a family. And since his batting average aint even a solid 1%, perhaps he needs to change approach and THE WAY HE THINKS.

        7. I completely agree and I didn't take it as a personal attack. I do see what you're saying, you're reality is fine and will be that way for a while…but they are plenty of upper class who have suddenly lost their jobs and it rocked their world b/c they feel like you do. I personally am not struggling but I still do feel that the economy sucks…lol.(ok so we've gone completely off topic). Hasani is a being a bit hasty, I just wanted you to understand the metaphor or premise on which he was working…guess I failed there.

        8. "but they are plenty of upper class who have suddenly lost their jobs and it rocked their world b/c they feel like you do"

          me too I know tons of people who lost a job in the US and went abroad (or who have international connections) and couldn't find ONE DAMN thing to do in all the whole wide world.

  32. All these independent women can pick up a phone to call a client you need to speak to…yet you can't call a man that you are interested in. Perhaps you should just wait on the client to call you, too.

    1. Ummm seriously that's two very different things and you're smart enough to know that. Are you going to pay my car note, for my daughter's private school…no…oh I didn't think so. So yeah, the client at the moemtn gets first dibs.

      1. NO but I will be more dependable than your damn job. I will keep your bed, heart and house warm. I will provide you with companionship that you NEED because little do you know its not really optional.

        and if things progress, we also provide structure for your daughter. Yes we all know you can raise a child by yourself but thats not the most effective way. retort with a rant about how you dont need a man for that though… but I know the men i know who are single raising their kids also know the child needs a female figure around. just like the reason I devte so much time to my godsons and to the boyscouts is because I know this younger generation can use a positive male figure in their lives.

        we want our next generation to have a better upbringing than we did, and money dosent solve this issue. the problem with us growing up wasnt money. yes you need work to live we know this. but if your fearless enough to call a cient why cant you be fearless enough to pick up the phone and call the person who can give you the things your money cant buy and your life heart and spirit needs?

        1. uhhh, what the hell are u talking about. u took all of that from my very simple statement of financial necessity…lol. this again goes to show where ur head is. i'm an advocate for relationships, i don't think it's natural for man and woman to be alone, i do believe the we NEED one another. HOWEVER, if i'm just meeting someone i dont know if he will be able or even want to provide those necessities for me until he PROVES it by showing the effort. i am to be sought out, i am to be courted, i am to be shown that i'm worth all of his efforts and more because let's face it, women will give their last to a man who loves them, even to those who don't…so the problem isn't knowing whether or not a women would nurture and provide for you…it's whether to not the man even wants it.

          and this touches on Comeback's mentality…she knows that she will give her all to her man(i can't believe that can't see that), so she's picky about who lets get close to her heart, she's extremely passionate about what she wants so i'm assuming she would be the same as a mate…now when it comes to raising children since you touched on it, it would ludacris for me to say or even think that i could do it alone and i'm blessed with not having too…my daughter's father is very active in her life, he does things for her w/o me asking, he keeps her over the summer to give me a break and he financially provides more than i ask for.

          the funny thing about all of this is that Hasani what you passionately what to give, Comeback passionately wants to receive…does anyone else see the irony in all of this…lol

  33. @Teacia: You are 100% correct. No man needs to pay your car note, house note, or pay for private school. You got that on your own. But the concept of "treat me, court me, chase me" is 1950s. If we are trying to be partners in this thing…we should act like it.

    The reality is that women have the ability to cherry-pick what they like and eschew what they don't about past and present roles. More power to you…but it should be more power to "US".

    1. well start your own black male revolution…here we go again about the nickel and dimin'. You well GET YOURS. I think that when you WOOO a woman (the WOMAN WHO IS RIGHT FOR YOU) she will naturally want to do things to please you. That is a given..and while SBM likes it all drawn out on paper and blog…well just use your imagination.

  34. antdater is right. women are currently cherrypicking.

    his statement should cause alot of upset gals… because its the white hot truth.

    Comeback… how about we stick with the whole 1950's theme. Ill drive down to DC (dnt think I wouldnt) to take you on a date next weekend. Ill pay… you cant say no because women didnt say no to men in those days…. after the date Ill call you. and drive down the week after that to see you and bring my laundry so you can do it. do you want to use Wisk or Tide?

    oh and by the way I like my Bikini Briefs starched, I like that stiff feeling on my hips.

      1. Sorry … women have not always been cherry picking like it goes on today. Too many women want the benefits of feminism and the women rights movement, but retain the chivalry and "take care of me" ways of the past.

        In the 1950s, gender roles were clear and defined and you didn't have to worry about picking up the check or calling a guy you were interested in … but … you knew you weren't having a career, you had to be married by 23, and if you opened your mouth to your husband … there was gonna be some sh*t popping off.

        You can't have your cake and eat it too.

        1. and why the hell not, why exactly do we bake cakes in the first place…that's the dumbest metaphor EVER…no attack against you for using it of course.

          i feel you though, we have our career b/c we are now being taught that we have to learn to take care of ourselves and not feel trapped and dependent on a man…like i said i will GLADLY give up working to have a man support me comfortably…no arguments here.

        2. SBM you are VERY wrong. I will agree that gender roles were well defined. But must I quote the great Einstein AGAIN: "I make all the tough decisions, my wife makes all the easy ones….fortunately there were never any tough decisions to make"

          On the surface and on consitutional paper women had very few if any rights…but if you don't believe she RAN her household EXACTLY the way she wanted you are so VERY VERY MISTAKEN. Please let us not forget that it was Abigail Adams who HEAVILY influenced his presidential decisions back in the day. I mean from the letters on many ocassion SHE practicly ran this country from her little log cabin…don't get it twisted. My Grandfather was the head, but it was also clear who the neck was too.

        3. Comeback … please. I have talked to enough men of past generations to know that a lot of stuff that is the norm now just doesn't slide. My dad still goes off anytime anyone who lived in his house challenged him, even when he was wrong.

          My mom worked and he did cook now and again, but best believe there was no democracy in that place.

        4. "My dad still goes off anytime anyone who lived in his house challenged him, even when he was wrong."

          That's all on the surface. Sometimes people get really defensive when they aren't right ***him what do they say about the apple and the tree*** but people come around in their own way and on their own terms. My grandfather was the same way…but in the end everybody always seemed to do it Grandma's way…though she made HIM think it was all his idea to begin with….influence is very sutble.

  35. "because women didnt say no to men in those days"

    thats a lie. Women had an equal say in courtship practice, perhaps in the 1950s they didn't necessarily use words. They negotiated what they wanted WHO they wanted in other ways.

    1. they had an equal say but more to lose. i wasnt acceptable to eb 27 and single… much less be 34 and single. so NO you wouldnt say no because it wasnt socially acceptable. kinda like divorce was an option… but wasnt socially acceptable.

    2. An equal say … really???

      I think all you could say was no. Not even sure it was in fashion to make a suggestion as to where your suitor would take you out.

      1. you didn't have to…men knew how to run the show back then…i think that we're not the only ones who have gotten lost in the women's movement.

        1. I can still run the show … but you would have to let it be run. Either your independent or your not. You can't have a half & half mix (this isn't Iced Tea and Lemonade).

  36. This was too important not to restate:

    the funny thing about all of this is that Hasani what you passionately what to give, Comeback passionately wants to receive…does anyone else see the irony in all of this…lol

    The push and pull of men and women are making it impossible to communicate. Comeback everything you look for in a male Hasani is passionate about giving….BUT his mental state is pushing you away from him(Hasani DO BETTER!!)…but there are parts of his "give my all" mentality that you so desire.

    Hasani the strength and success you admire in a women Comeback emcompasses tenfold but you can't get pass her sense of entitlment(Comeback DO BETTER!!) which the very thing you want to offer, you feel women are entitled to everything you have to give but you're upset b/c she outlines what you already feel anyways….

    you guys are killing…me…and unless you see the contradictions in urselves you will FOREVER be single…Comeback take the man up on his offer already, damn…what exactly do you have to lose.

    1. "the funny thing about all of this is that Hasani what you passionately what to give, Comeback passionately wants to receive…does anyone else see the irony in all of this…lol"

      You be making some serious leaps and logical bounds. "SOME" of what Hasani "says he can give" Comeback "in theory" wants to recieve.

      I'm no different from any other woman. We fundamentally all want the same thing. I like business, I like money, I like strategy…but I honestly do not want to lead in a relationship. Hasani is attracted to women with PHD. MDs etc because those typically are VERY driven women. My drive does have an off and a dimmer switch. So what happens when I've turned all that off and checked my "you know what"….we got two chicks who just want to be heard and needed. For all that I could be a lesbian. No thanks.

      1. Yes he whines a bit but I think we aren't giving the man enough credit, he seems pretty driven to get his point across to a bunch of strangers and he even does the research…what makes you think the man wouldn't attempt to approach a relationship with the same tenacity…just a thought.

        1. Oh and I base my reply to your statement Comeback with this "I’m no different from any other woman. We fundamentally all want the same thing."

    2. Damn … your absolutely right. I feel stupid for not seeing it before. I honestly do think now that if Comeback takes up Hasani on his offer, she will finally be happy and vice versa.

      @Comeback: For one, I think Hasani is perfectly capable of being a man around his one and only. He might complain a lot on here, but I can vouch for him … he's not soft. Talk to the man offline … it really might work.

      And also, lets be real … your a control freak. This whole "check my penis at the door" is some straight bullsh*t. Let me talk to "O" and see what that n*gga has to say.

      @Hasani aka HNIC: We're close man. Don't f*ck it up. Me and Tecia got you!

      1. "Damn … your absolutely right. I feel stupid for not seeing it before. I honestly do think now that if Comeback takes up Hasani on his offer, she will finally be happy and vice versa."

        ???? have your lost yor damn mind.

        1. Wow … spell check … please.

          Anyways, it makes perfect sense. Your not going to realize it until you let Hasani come down to DC and sweep you off your feet.

  37. comeback dosent want what I am seling. she has said she has a fear f cmmitment and she has a large streak of uppity in her…

    even a "date" with a man who has a 10 and a 6 year relationship under his belt could be dangerous for her. especially seeing as she makes as much in a day ad I make in a week. do you know what that would do to her gucci sunglasses collection?

    So yes, the same thing keeps getting said. In general the women dont want what the men are selling. they want to chase their dream of "mr biggs" comming or chasing their roguishly elusive "dillan mckay" type.

    just like the corprate middle class sista loves the strive and challenge of school and moving up after the brass ring, it seems to me as though they like the same type of fight in their love life. a simple man and simple happiness just wont do.. its a scary and alien thought.

    1. well maybe if it wasn't all up and in the scratch and dent section i would consider. does 16 combined years of a committment make you a prized man I want. I still can add…we're talking you've been in serious NEED since you were 17) (and I gave you a couple of years for rest) . Please don't go around bragging about this at 30 ok?

      It makes you look like you just want a warm body. ANYBODY.

  38. yes 16 years of commitment makes me a prized man when you claim your not finding a man who can settle and that is compassionate….. infact it makes me a huge prize. theres 2 sides to life, work and home. I have been successful in the home and love field and you have been successful doing your gucci glasses collecting and work thang. so we are equal only on opposite sides of the coin.

    I brag about being able to love someone OTHER than myself since I hit puberty. if I were you thouh I wouldnt brag about being a spinster. and yes, I am cocky and think I can care for any woman you put in front of me and show them what its like to have lve in their lives. most of us black men are like this…. its just that deep down its something you are trying to avoid. why ? I dunno, im still trying to figure it out.

    Which is why I propse I come down to DC and take you out. since I am arch typical veable "good brotha" with small money and a large eart you are trying to avoid… you can figure out what it is about me (the black male) you dont lilke and what needs to chane in yourself. while at the same time you can help me figure out what it is I am missing.

    not for the sake of longg lasting romance. just for the sake of science, development and for a bunch of flirty glances and sweet talk from yours truly.

    come on…. ill buy you a slice of cheesecake ๐Ÿ˜‰

        1. Ok she straight TRIPPIN…this man is willing to show your worth by filling up his tank with $4/gallon gas and drive down to DC to see, another testament of showing effort and treat you with respect and dignity…lol, Comeback you're a fool if you don't see it.(sorry girl but i'm calling you out) ๐Ÿ™‚

          Underneath all the rhetoric I actually think he's a good guy, just need someone to restore his faith in black love…come on Comeback…it's that the entire reason for name choice. And I quote: "Comeback Kids this blog WAS in fact started because I wanted to make a big Comeback in love."

          I'm calling you on this bluff…

        2. No thanks….he is however just one American airline direct flight away from you…so let me be the oh so stupid rhetoric talking on and carpe diem Hasani yourself. K?

        3. Umm, he didn't choose me…he chose YOU! So why would I throw myself on man that clearly has interest in someone else….lol…ur really good at trying to steer the situation/question away from the clear point/message to one that you're more comfortable with…the only problem is that i'm better at it.

          Comeback isn't really looking for love, she's only looking for excuses.

        4. Honestly think about it. The control freak and the passive agressive man … match made in Heaven. Ya'll are even in the same age bracket.

          I'm gonna cosign Tecia again and say "Make a come back … Comeback!"

  39. ok so my last post "Ok she straight TRIPPIN…this man is …" was full of grammatical errors and misplaced words and even missing words but i got all excited just thinking about the possibility of love happening and didn't proofread it before i posted…but i'm sure yall got the point…lol

    …make a come back Comeback!!

  40. I need a new keyboard. Im using the Saitek eclipse 2. all of the keys glow in the dark in purple and my optical mouse is purple (very rare) but as pretty as it all is the it fails to type keys I press… grr.

    anyway.. back to my point. As much f a lionl as you are in the corporate world you are a virtual sheep when it comes t matters of the heart.

    Fearless in the boardroom, pusillanimous in the bedroom.

    It took my ex 6 months of me asking twice a week, for her to finally agree to our first date comeback.

    So trust me….I have time.

    1. LOL good stuff…u get her tiger…lol.

      Oh and just so you know it, I'm using "pusillanimous" in a sentence THIS weekend.

      Girl and he uses big words, u better get on dat!…(in my ghetto voice, while sucking my teeth, rolling my neck and snapping my fingers…heeeey…lol)

    1. I don't post everyday, I got a job, friends, women, and a social life.

      Besides, I was up kinda late caking to someone. Next time I talk to her though I'll let her know that the blog comes before any female … cool?

  41. I provide him with enough content. he is rather calculating on when he springs what up on you guys. he should really be an editor for a magazine….hmmmm and I am a journalist…. I thinnk we may be on to something here. too bad we dont write enough interesting things to have a target audience… ..wait a sec…..

    1. As soon as I find a woman to take care of me and pay my mortgage, car note, and buy stuff for my motorcycle … i'll quit my job and turn this into the most official blog on earth.

      Until then …

  42. Lol…hey and I can be a guest female columnist because my writing skills are far about par!! What do you say SBM…wanna start a magazine…we can call it SBM: A male's perspective…women would buy it and so would guys. I think we may have an idea…way to go Hasani!!

    1. Actually supposed to be writing something for my friends up & coming magazine. I'll let ya'll know if that materializes.

      I'm always looking for guest coumnists. Tecia, go ahead and write whatever craziness you got in you, and as long as it passes my QA (Quality Assurance), your in here.

      1. "I’m always looking for guest coumnists"

        What exactly is a coumnist???? Is it a cross between communism and being a columnist?? I'd like to start with a post on sexy black men and Karl Marx, I mean can sexiness be regulated by government….this is so exciting to me.

        1. Touche on the typo catch.

          Honestly Comeback, been trying to get you on the payroll with a real account for months, but you won't give me your email address.

          Its a shame … could be beautiful. People wouldn't have to read 100+ comments just to find out what you think about by eloquently crafted ideas and pieces.

        2. Do you think you can afford to put me on the payroll with a real account? Have you LOOKED into this at all. Or are you one of those VERY LAZY employers who just assume things based on past information.

          also i would like for the QA to be bypassed.

    1. My brother is having a graduation party, and then we sposed to hit up a bar and a strip club … between the last two … we'll find you someone (even if only for the weekend).

    1. Yeah man … you, me, and Hasani.

      But we're not going to that one in DC u took me too. Buying the stripper a drink … what kinda bullsh*t is that!

      The joint I'm talking about is a whole in the wall where … uhhh … we'll talk about that offline.

  43. Ill cover it for you…

    1a) I asked to take Cmeback out on a date in DC, she refused attempt #2

    1b) Teacia called comeback fake because she will not go out n the date with me eventhough her name implies she is making a comeback to love and I am a hopeless yet lovable guy ๐Ÿ˜€

    2) text msg is good for dating and communication

    3) SBM and me should write or start a magazine spawned from the ideal of this blog.

    4) ANti and SBM want to turn me into a bad guy and are going to give me private lessons. same 3 are also conspiring to hit a strip club in DC…. perhaps when I come down there to take comeback out…

    5) I still have a mancrush on Kobe!

    1. Great recap!

      Why won't Comeback go out with you? That is very interesting to me. It's just a date not marriage…lol

      @Teacia: fake is being a little harsh…don't you think?

      You all should start a magazine, because I have definitely thought about including you all in a project I am working on.

      Miss ya Anti!!! Where have you been…. Have fun at the strip club guys!

      Kill the mancrush HNIC.

      1. You should go….I think I've read and seen all I need to. Why waste his or my time. I was really clear as to why a few posts down. I think I do still have SOME standards and filters for dates. Maybe if I was gonna die tomorrow, if I was hard up, if nobody else in all the world was diggin me who I at least kind of respected…i mean after all that…then maybe.

        but again I think he asked for your number last week, so YOUR just one phone call away from nirvana girlfriend.

    1. Yes I do…but I thought it was just an old urban legend. I had no idea the existed beyond those little book stores back in the day. I worked with a gay guy (who WAS the originator of soft and pink) and he talked about those little nasty holes.

      1. You got Soft & Pink from a gay guy. That really takes a lot of credibility away from that whole concept. You use it to describe the way a guy is supposed to make you feel, but it was a man who has no interest in pleasing any woman who came up with it???

  44. hi, im new to this blog, but i have been reading for a bit. my view on text messaging is this: blessing for me, i am hearing impaired/deaf and it works EXCELLENT for me! but i can understand how it annoys folks at times.

    thank you

  45. @Teacia: the funny thing about all of this is that Hasani what you passionately what to give, Comeback passionately wants to receive…does anyone else see the irony in all of this…lol

    HA!!! They should stop fighting the feeling…good point. Its funny how we can have something right in front of our face, but because it doesn't fit our cookie cutter mold then we wont try it.

      1. so you have a "template" for what type of man you will feel something for?!?!?!?!?!?!?

        last I checked that was gods plan…. not yours.

        not to souond like a hippie or anything but seriously, your fighting a losing battle is you already have a template and cookie cutter for whats gonna get baked in your oven.

        1 date

        1. "1 date"

          No thank you. But if the ladies have all this compelling data as to why I should date you (I would however weigh advice from a successfully married woman who was walking her talk so much that it made sense) so maybe they should go on and do the 1 date thing, and I'm being serious on this Sunday morning. And I'm not really sure what "god" you speak of. The "God" I know gives you Discernment and intuition. And even yet still if my discernment and intution was in the craper. I still have a great memory and I'm going to be honest and put it out there as to why.

          Firstly when you came on here you were incredibly INCREDIBLY antagonistic. I think if thats your cyber personality that's fine…but it never really let up. On the surface thats not a way to attract women. And on your 34 dates, you haven't found ANYBODY to help you get out of your (1 year slump???) I'm going to give 1 year—like I gave you two for rest in between your 16 year relationships at 30. And I'm not even gonna knock 16 years at 30…its kind of feels well whatever…And then you continued to anatagonize. And I guess you had your sites on me because I'm the most vocal up in here-which will change.

          Lastly, and this was the biggest bell (and you and your buddy share this one)…and that is playing both sides against the middle. I am a chicks chick (in theory and for MOST). Not a dick's chick. There was something offline you wrote that just made perfect sense to me-about EXACTLY who you are. At first I thought it was funny. But then I thought about it …and i realized behavior whether on or offline fundamentally doesn't change. So again, No thank you. I'm not sure how many ways I can say that "sunshine".

  46. I think alot of men and women don't know their roles. This is why we have all this confusion that I am reading on this blog. When you 'know your role' (as the Rock use to say) you have no problem as to who is suppose to do what in the relationship. A man is the head but the women may be the brain. He leads she helps hims. That is why Eve came from Adams side, because that is where we women are suppose to be. Side by side with our men.

    A Man's Role:

    -Visionary

    -Leader

    -Teacher

    -Cultivator

    -Guardian

    A Woman's Role:

    -Helper

    -Relater

    -Life-giver

    -Co-laborer

    Do you guys agree?

  47. no

    for a woman as smart as you thats incredibly textbook.

    Im gonna say something thats gonna make 90% of you guys throw apples at me (Im highly allergic to apples)

    Ya'll gotta go live with someone. I know alot of you gals think you will never live with a man til you get married…….but seriously you all have an archaic view of love and relationships, and its much too stagnant and unreaistic of how this whol household thing actually works.

    Lets take my household and my Ex's household roles.

    HNIC

    heavy cleaning

    Lifting

    cooking

    Compassion romance

    gardener

    Final say on all large money spending

    Investing/ saving

    take out the trash!

    Fixing things

    Good personality

    steady nerves

    calms that bitch down and tells her its gonna be ok

    Hers

    Bread winner

    paying bills figure out new mortgage ect ect

    party, events and our social interactions planning

    giving the home warmth with nicknacks

    small Buying decisions

    laundry

    Breaking things

    nagging the man for sex

    Good looks

    gets worked up over something and comes home cryin

    I viw each relationship as a scale. as long as that shit ballances out theres no problem. Thats why I dont knock people who have a good looking irlfriend who is also killin it in bed, but she is ditsy as Lucy ball. Shes bringing her looks and "sunshine" to the table and fr some that makes more of a ballance. others money , some poise. but as long as its equal worth to both sides the relationship can work and work well.

    1. I did live with my ex, so I am very clear on how things are suppose to work when living with your mate.

      It's actually not textbook it's biblical. But we won't go there at all.

  48. @deaf lady: I never thought about that but I am glad about it.

    @Ms. Devereaux: GOD BLESS YOU WOMAN! I totally agree with you. The problem is that the view is antiquated. Women were running sh*t in relationships before women's liberation imho. Post-women's lib…women have adopted hybrid (male-female traits) personalities to make it in the world. Women do everything on the man's list. They don't need a man. The necessity and the role of men is actually in question. The reality (and the problem) is that women can define what a man's role is (in a relationship) but its definitely not vice versa.

    @SBM: Glad to help break the 200 comment mark!!

    1. U have nooooo idea how much e-mail and text messaging is one of the greatest technological advancements for deaf/hearing impaired/hard of hearing folks!! lol!

  49. I agree with some of what you say anti. The women I date dont "need" me, and therefore they dont value my companionship which leads to lack of respect. where as the roguish/elusive/non committal/ thug/ bad boy types provide a challenge which keeps women interested (until they finish the challenge)

    the ines are blurred as to what we all bring to a relationship. as they should be now that man and women are equas. but the problem is the marriage rate is droping and even the relationship rate is droping, because less value is placed in "the black man"

    the middle class corporate black woman can "survive" by herself… so why would she need you for anything other than an occasional "date" every few weeks and of course to knock them boots once every 2 months. which seems to be the role most of the women I have dated lump me into.

    its almost like black culture has turned into the old amazon culture

    1. Your analysis is on point. The true question is what do we do about it? The answer depends on the definition of "we".

      "I" could simply find a white woman (or maybe a Brazilian who is old school) and seek to find relationship happiness that way. On the other hand, I don't want to forsake the black woman or the black community because we are in dire straits. It's a war out there people…

      NOTE: There *are* many women of African descent in Brazil ๐Ÿ™‚

  50. Not so fast my young friend.

    the 30 year ld corporate white woman is a different animal than the 16-27 white woman.

    Heres my take on the mentality of white women in general that are educated, have a good job and all.

    from 16-22 they are looking for love and excitement and an all around good time. Datin a black guy is a good idea because we are compassionate and have nice dark skin which looks sexy when in bed intertwined with their soft pale supple pink flesh. White men may seem a bit more boring and are of course not as nurturing as we are so at this point the brotha makes a great mate fr the white corprate female! We buy them things, they buy us things, we go on vacation and out dancing on weekends. llts f fun.. because thats what life is all about….right?

    all the while… white corporate male is single. He is oing to school and working at the local country club and rubbing elbows. he has time to invest because being single… he has more cash. hang out at the bar, pick up a few randoms but never stay wit anyone, his focus will be on himself because afterall he IS the king of this country.

    now when 30ish hits. The fun isnt as important. That huge black dick was a novelty in colege, but its been there done that after a year or so roling around in the hay with that. As friends begin to buy houses and have babies… white girl will get frustrated with the glass ceiling you are hitting at work. she will want to join the local country club but you will both find out "they arent accepting new members"

    the allure of whitemale… who now has his own 3 bedroom townhouse (ya daddy gave him some money from a bond he had been saving) and has rubed enough elbows to have that membership to the cal country club….. your black ass isnt looking as appealing anymore.

    In your 30's, if a white woman is still single your viewed as a liability since they already can do better with a white man financially. Your appeall is your compassion, fun, and of course that you eat pussy. 3 things she has had more than enough of in her 20's. what she needs now is equity, social and financial future and stability. those are areas you as a black middle class man are lacking in compared to SWM.

    so I would tred lightly down the older white female path. I date white women now (I date all women actually) and though my own relationship with my ex didnt exactly follow this format I know others who it did.

    What I advise as the easiest plan now is to marry and date forign born black women/ africans. Asian women always want to get married , their culture is family oriented and strong so thats another option. Indian/Pakistani women over 30… parents start to care alot less what color the guy is they bring home once you get that old in these cultures. and come on now, we have all seen Mississippi masala ๐Ÿ˜‰

      1. Though you have bedded tons of white women, I went to school for 12 years with the rest of them…and your analysis is WRONG for most, ALL women are marrying significantly older than our parents did, delayed adolescence, education and career are why most of the white women I know married in their early 30s …which kind of surprises me that you don't go over the bridge to NYC (15 minutes away) you would find TONS of white women who are still fabulous/educated/single/divorced and well into there 30s and some 40s.

        I think you need to get out more and stop doing this research based on Northern NJ "hoods".

        1. My take can be wrong. Im not very educated and this is theorycraft not science.

          Having said that your analysis cant be much more accurate because your not seeing the fallout. I have black friends and especially male black friends who were with white women in their 20's and feel that this assessment is close to accurate. not a 100% this wi happen al the time that your trying to make it out to be… but more like a blueprint.

          oh and I have to now agree with antidater. Brazillian women are a great alternative. they are shaply yet slender and most importantly are comming from strife so their mindset and spirit will mesh better with ours. Very good call on that one my brotha.

          In all seriousness you try to discredit my dating experience by saying that nyc is this mythical dating capital???? are you serioous!?! most people will tell you that the closer t NYC you get the less and less moralls fly out the window and the more the sex in the city mindset comes into play. (which may be why I should look for a al in DC)

          my research is based on anywman myself or my master have come into contact with and our experiences in the past year (as primary) and the stories of friends and other men we have spoken to about the subject.

          women arent marrying older…. they arent getting married. little different. or worse getting married at 29 and then running ot the back door by 33.

          frm what I have seen the black man is fun and sexy and compassionate so he makes an idea mate for a white corporate woman in her teens and 20's. I would even say that a black man makes an ideal mate for them (if not the best) 42+ as well. but in the 4th quater we just dont have a perceived or actual upside to offer them that chad and brett do.

          but heres a question. why , just for the sake f aruing with me, are you trying to bash my point?? ya know… Im actually telling a black man its not a reat idea to date a white woman… and as a black woman your telling me no Im wrong… he should…….. da fuk?!

          1st you call yourself comebackgirl, but your afraid and overly timid of anytype of non perfect romantic encounter. and now your tellin black men to leave black women fr the white ones? tsk tsk your gonna lose alot f your fanbase :p

  51. If Im a good catch then you could just start out with a sinmple dinner/dance/movies/walk in the park 1st date with me next week. Just romance…. nothing too serious.

    Im moderate, there are tons of black men out there like me…….. your the one who is fabulous.

  52. K last post befre I g to take my godson to my race.

    dont bring up how many women got me into bed this year. Hell been seeing the same kitty for 10 years it was kid in the candy store time when I first gt out here. but I started to notice the white women I was going out with woulld sell me the whole line of Bullshit "your a reat guy I really need a man like you" and "my last man was so bad, I just need you to care for me" and other assorted lines. and all (not some.. not half) of the cindy's and Marcys' I have been a date with since I have sarted this.. have gotten me naked in some way shape or form… and I have had no contact with them after the incident. One was even so nice enough to tell me that I am to nice to get involved with becasuse she "worked to hard to get the lifestyle she wanted and she deserves to b wih a man who can provide more for her"

    I got it from cindy's mouth and from beckys actions… its not just something I made up.

    everyone is curious about those stories of that mythical black dick. especially if they have been in a relationship and are now single and ….well.. curious. they find a hot black guy who is obviously not going to mug them so they decide to experiment. but no they arent goin to buy the cow nor take your black ass seriously.

    Comeback are we in a fight off the air? You stop replying to my emails and deleter me as a friend. I still would like for us to talk ๐Ÿ™

      1. you dodged the question. are we in a fight? how did we go from friendly to not talking and deleted? to remove me takes effort. I thought we were talking as a normal male and normal female just fine… what happened? can we take this conversation to private email again?

        pwease? ๐Ÿ™

        1. Hasani I really wasn't trying to delete you…rather block the emails with your LONG LONG diatribes. When you block someone it looks like are deleted. There is no beef.

  53. so unblock me

    you dont really respect what I have to say. thats why you dont really care what goes into the emails.

    I have nothing to offer you thouh, so why woulld you care at all is what I have to figure out.

  54. WOW!!! Over 200 messages on this blog and somehow we still managed to discuss text messaging…lol

    @SBM: New blog please…lol…and I was just as lost as you when I started reading this one.

    @ def lady: Welcome to the blog and you made a very valid point about text messaging.

    @Ms. D: I didn't call Comeback fake, SBM did(lol, sorry mister)…I said she was bluffing…she conceded the point(even stepped away from the keyboard). Also I think that Teacher should be in then woman category and Provider should be added to the man's…all else I am in complete agreeance with.

    @Anti: So far you're the only one I agree with in totality on this blog.

    @Hasani: Damn!! Are you attempting to write your own urban dictionary based solely on theory and experiences. Your white women/man theory is more than flawed…I would even go as far as to say it is plain ignorant and isn't based on any real data not to mention it is culturally biased as well. Anyhow, that's all I have to say about that. Now, last week I encouraged you to pursue Comeback to no end…women like the attention BUT she has reduced you to belittling yourself online and apparently offline as well…dude she blocked you…EVERYONE knows that when you block someone that you are not only "deleting" them but you're blocking them from having any contact with you. Yeah, I think it's time to turn in the towel on this one…sorry buddy…but don't give up hope yet that some pretty young thang will strut right past you and into your heart.

    @Comeback: Damn you're mean…like really mean…like super duper mean!! I understand your approach to dating, mine is a little similar BUT I'm much more giving and a lot less bitter…which probably has something to do with leading to my 6 formal and 1 informal engagements. You got to give a little to get a lot, it's just the way it goes. I'm not trying to convince you to give Hasani another chance to redefine himself because he will argue himself right out of it, you know much more about dude than I can even presume to know so I can respect your decision, but DAYUM you deleted him w/o even a warning reply first. You could have at least said please Hasani if you don't mind not filling my inbox up with your "garbodge"(garbage) I would really appreciate…at least give the man a chance to play by your rules. But again you're an adult and you know what you need and want, so continue to do you…alone.

    Well folks I had a GREAT weekend, took another trip to Miami, did a little shopping at the midnight malls throughout town, enjoyed a book on the balcony of my suite overlooking the bay and immensely enjoyed the company I kept…sorry I missed all the debate though, but I leave my laptop home on leisure trips and obviously for good reason.

    1. I have the most excellent idea…why doesn't SBM open a poll..what is comeback more of. To the "Super Duper Mean", I'd add manipulative, and coniving. It could run for the week and everyone would get to vote in a democratic fashion….Teacia, you don't know me. I may be single now, but I am very far from lonley. You seem to have the all the men on lock why don't you give me lessons, firstly on how to be a lady, secondly on how to get a man. Then we can make it an ebook. I propose a 40/60 me/you split. How's that sound?

        1. Neither…the one on how to get and KEEP a man…you seem to have the instigator and even the lady thing down packed.

  55. @Deaf Lady: Welcome … enjoy your stay.

    @Everyone: What kind of soap opera has played itself out over these comments. Too much … TOO MUCH going on.

  56. Actually, let me see if I got everything right …

    1) Comeback has denied Hasani a date and cut him off from all communications "offline"

    2) Hasani is begging to have his lines of communication reinstated (instead of keeping it moving and saying "f this chic" as any of my friends would have.

    3) Apparently there is some tension between Comeback & Tecia

    4) Everyone else is watching the drama unfold and eating popcorn like me …

    1. you missed one

      5) I "SBM" help to start some of this shyt as well, which kind of makes me a bit of a jerk

      and for the gazillion time….Tecia is spelled T-E-A-C-I-A.

      the rest is accurate.

      1. @Teacia: You know I'm sorry about the name thing. My apologies for messing it up the upteenth time.

        @Comeback: What did I start? I didn't say anything to Hasani if thats what your insinuating? I swear … I am so Lost. Anyone want to fill me in?

        1. @SBM: You jumped on the boat with me and encouraged Hasani to pursue Comeback and for her to let her guard down but hell I'll take full responsibility for this mess…doesn't bother me in the least.

          Also there is no "tension" between myself and Comeback…I just think she's a bit unreasonable to the guy…yeah he can be a little headachy but all he offered was a date….but like I said she knows more about him then I will presume to know so it's her perogative…although I still believe that it would actually work out.

          And if you mess up my name one more time there will no "offline" communication with you. ๐Ÿ™‚

        2. I did jump on the boat … no one is denying that. I still think they could have some pretty babies and I could come to the wedding. Best believe I'm getting at half of Comeback's friends though and I'm taking 50% of the credit for making the union happen.

  57. why would I say F this chick? some may like me and some may not… but I always have the same message and it really dosent change. why would I shut her out when she is the person I should be trying to reach most?

    Everything about me she fears(commitment, nice with no need for reprisals) or hates(my ideals) …. but genetically she shouldnt :p

    she could kick me in the juggular and I still feel like I need to reach her. I keep dating comebackgirls all the time. but this one is here and can actually discuss on an open forum the divide between her type and my type.

    to ignore comeback is to ignore whats happening in the black on black middle class dating currently. I cant give up on fixing or wanting to understand what is happening, I dont like seeing this gap and only 30% of black women being married. I dont like other minorities passing us by in areas we used to excel in.

    comeback deserves to be taken out and shown a nice time… she can hack me to pieces after that. but at least we will get an idea whats wrong and unattractive about me and whats causing her to not respect or like the black male.

    science, fun, understanding, growth, and compassion are all reasons why I have to try man……

    oh and did i mention that shes fukin hawt too?

    1. You tried and not only have you failed time and time again, but she has publicly humiliated you(the exchange has been kinda ol school cute and new school humiliating).

      Insanity: trying the same over and over again and expecting a different result. You gotta switch up a few variables if you really want to reach her…take a break, give her a moment to marinate on it…MAYBE she'll come around but I wouldn't bet on it.

  58. Thank you TEACIA (lol!) and SBM. I truly believe text messaging works on every front for me. I remember the first time i discovered caller ID (dang!), it was funny to me because that showed me how so farrrrrrrr removed i was with communication by phone. If I had a choice I would loveeeeeee to get back to speaking on the phone instead of texting. I wasnt always hearing impaired/hard of hearing.

  59. Hola! I’ve been following your weblog for some time now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out from Lubbock Texas! Just wanted to tell you keep up the great work!

    Darrell

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