“You know I want to be with you. You know I want to put that ring on your finger, give you the moon, the stars, the world … but I can’t.”
“Why can’t you?”
“My job … my career … my goals! I don’t want to come to you half accomplished”
“But I don’t care about that stuff”
“BUT I DO!”
This conversation has played throughout history. Its been played out on sitcoms. Exemplified in movies. There are articles on it. Dads and Moms have been asked about this countless times by their offsprings. Its an age old question with a simple answer.
Can I manage my career and life goals while being committed to another person?
Answer: Uhhhh … kinda … maybe
A little about me …
I am very career and goal oriented. When people ask me what I want out of life, I literally respond with “I want to rule the world” and then follow up with “I have to be the black Bill Gates”. I started drafting company ideas in high school, I read about the great tech leaders of our time for fun, and I’m addicted to learning and hope to pick up about 3 more degrees before I leave this world.
So … this topic hits close to home. Questions I have asked myself:
“Can I manage a fortune 500 company and still give my wife the world?”
“Suppose I get a great opportunity in Tokyo, do I have to consider the fact my girlfriend won’t move?”
“If I have to work 80 hour weeks, will my ‘boo’ be mad?”
“Will I ever care enough about someone else to put my own goals on hold?”
Honestly, I still haven’t been able to answer any of them. I just don’t know. At times I feel like I’m just being selfish. At times I’m like “f* that … gotta do me first”. Sometimes I just can’t think about it because its late and I’m already 15 minutes behind my personal deadline. Will the success of a family be enough? Is it better to attain all of my outlandish goals at the expense of Mrs. SBM?
Decision … Decisions.
I remember a friend in college … got an offer with Microsoft. His girlfriend made it clear “I’m not moving to Seattle (Redmond to be exact)” … and he didn’t go. At the time I thought “that’s the stupidest sh*t I’ve ever heard! Stop being soft and take that position!” … but he didn’t … and he’s doing extremely well still (with a new gf too).
I know I know the first thing I’m gonna hear “well … just pick the right person who will support you in everything you do” … please. That would and possibly will be great … but can’t always count on that. Other people have their own jobs, house, money, goals … and if their no in tune with mine … someone has to win. So … lets not just assume there is some perfect Michelle Obama out there … let that inner pessimist out.
At the end of the day … something is gonna happen. Guess there is no point in sweating over it now … right?
Any pearls of wisdom for this troubled 20-something? Any “n*gga stop crying” or “f* these b*tches” for me?
believe it or not…. every brotha is not cut out for "boo bliss"
its better for society if the people who are needed to hyper focus on work, do just that. Alot of the people who tell themselves "oh Im going to find a ballance…. just LATER" are fooling themselves. If its not your priority NOW what makes you think you cal flip a switch and make it a priority later?????
my marching band director used to tell us "dont practice with a garden hose" and then expect to put out a fire with a firehose. Practice like you play and play like you are going to win.
If right now in your life, smashin random chick #7 is a good thing, devoting time to wifey #2 is not, and corporate domination is hyper focus…. well, your going to pretty much be the same thang in another decade at your core. you can add on new things and new responsibilities, but your priority will remain the same.
I had an option to go to carry on the family business and make 5 times what I currently make workin wit daddy. But my primary focus was my mate and my own life… it was 10 years ago and it was 5 years after that. yes I can only imagine how the above statement will send a few people into a zelot like tirade, but ask your grandmother would she have left grandpa for all the tea in china and see what she says to you.
In closing. Think about it like basketball, a nigga can be as flashy and rely on all kinds of spin moves and pull up jumpers. he can add going left to his arsenal and posting up because its what everyone else is doing. BUT… When you D him tight and get in dat mu fukas shorts, he is going to always fall back on what he feels most comfortable with, and thats his drive hard to his right. If your the type of man at your core that chooses work and self fufillment over devotion/relationships then when push comes to shove…..
I say get this cheddah son. you can have the women you want later and pleanty of jump offs and bucket heads with the extra wealth generated from the income. Hell you will most likely even get a GREAT woman, theres plenty enough out here.just make sure you network heavy at work, I cant tell you how invaluable it is to moving up that ladder..
Its tons easier to draw them in the older and richer you get. stay on your current track and have no kids and you will be the black george clooney only…. dressed like farnsworth bently.
I didn't read Hasani's whole post, but I agree with what he said in the first paragraph. Seriously, what makes you think that after you start this Fortune 500 company and take over the world you'll have time to start this alleged family? Do you think that after you achieve the career goals you have now, you won't have anymore? What about wanting someone to grow with you that was there before you became the leader of the world? I'm more of a "go with the flow" type person. Do you and if The One comes along, don't miss out because you're so preoccupied with your goals, but don't stop pursuing them to find her either.
Lol…Hasani…now everyday you preach about the importance of having a family, and that real success is measured by who you love and who loves you back. Today you did a COMPLETE 180! Frankly I'm a little shocked. So you're saying that it's okay for men to focus on world domination and not having a family as a priority, but women should not. You get your boxers all in bunch because of the successful on this blog choose to focus on their careers instead of having a family…what's that all about. Now I'm no feminist, I'm not even much for the women's liberation movement…I kind of miss the ways of the old days, but really Hasani are you kidding me.
These are the double standards that are at the core of gender relations in this country…and it spans across all races. "I'm going to go out and conquer the world…you stay home honey and make sure my socks are clean…and don't forget to iron that shirt while you're at it."
Personally, a man who is driven is a turn-on for me (but then again, i don't want that to be a subject of convo 24/7). But there comes a time when you have to find equal balance between work and choosing whether or not to be in a relationship. If you can't commit to being in one b/c of your career goals, then let people know before hand. If you're able to find someone who can deal with the fact that you have these goals you want to achieve and maybe even being able to help you achieve them…then so be it.
There are more Michelle's in the sea.
Tecia, you once again SKIMMED and didnt read or hear… a common problem of your type.
RE read what I say.
Notice Bree got the real msg (because shes a real black woman)
Im going to go away to school, I cant go to local state university because I "HAVE TO" get this degree from this university
Im going to go to medical school far away I cant be tied down with commitment to you
Im going to go to New york do my residency 7 states away, at this hospital so we have to put our relationship on hold.. because "I HAVE TO" have only the very best program.
I cant move in I am trying to focus on this new job… and get my foot in the door.
We can get married AFTER I get this promotion, that way we will have more money.
When I reach paygrade 6 we will be able to have children
I cant come to see your dance recital, I have board meetings on that night.
Ill spend more time at home, now that Im a VP I can relax… I just have to finish getting through this transition period.
Now that we are retired, I have to find something to do to keep my mind occupied… baby you know im a worker.
it really never stops, what you are at your core you are at your core.
I think on some level relationships can be a distraction, to me its always worked a hell of alot better when both people were equally busy. But most mega rich men could care less if his Jane had a corner office with a view. But most do want someone with a "life" of her own an identity… not exclusively tied to him.
But when a man has found someone who has caught his eye…I do know that time shows up (for a "busy" man) and it comes out of nowhere. So "busy taking over the world" might be brand new game for a man who wants to collect a hoe.
"Tecia, you once again SKIMMED and didnt read or hear… a common problem of your type."
….what type would that be Sani baby?
the type of black woman who dosent listen to her black man when he talks
the type of sista that dosent think of all of us black men as brother
the type that would rather talk AT a man than talk TO him
your monologue is more important than our dialogue
your self vision cast shadow over OUR path
your text means more anyday to you than my message
what you can do will never exceed what we can BE
take time to read it and hear what Im saying and you will figure it out for yourself. or…. just pass it off as rhetoric
perhaps if I said "yo shortie you got a phat azz body, lemme holla at cha a sec" would be more your speed and easier for you to digest
1ST ya get the money… then ya get the Power…Then ya get the Respect.. once ya got the respect.. then ya get the girl.. Dayumm.. those lyrics remind me of a song back in the day.. Money, Power, Respect.. yeah.. that's it.
@hasani…i'm not trying to start an argument…but a lot of us have gotten into the habit of skimming your comments just b/c they are usually so damn long (and ridden with poor grammar). I don't know if u remember my post about being succint, but a strong point can definitely be made in one paragraph. and honestly, a lot of times you make pretty damn good points but the more u talk the farther and farther off base it gets.
@teacia…never thought I'd defend hasani, but he did say that SOME MEN are just not built for relationships. Some people are the types of people that will go hard for the rest of their lives and make it their personal goal to keep America's economy moving.
my issue was not with his comment but his support of his comment…his entire argument is based on how we USED to be, how our grandparents forsake all else in pursuit of a family. so i found it odd that he would actually say yeah get that money…instead of his regular soapbox diaries about procreating and having a sucessful and healthy family unit.
his post today was a complete contradiction of who he is every other day.
i find it comical that you think that anyone will ever listen to your "message" when considering your approach. i did everything in my power to not attack you personally with my initial response and yet you still found a way to insult me. i only point out that you've change your "message" and you come back with an insult.
so here's the real deal Hasani, you're a weak man. you find happiness in tearing us down because you are unhappy with your life. no real black woman could ever appreciate what you have to say or offer because of the vessel in which it is delivered. i cherish my black men, so much so that i even wrote a post on Eathan's site about how much you mean to me. but unfortunately Sani baby i don't understand you, and even worse…i care not to.
so sweetheart i'll be that "type" just for you…and only you…because MY black MAN knows my worth even in the thick of things, he's able to see the future sacrifices i will make for his path through my present actions, and most importantly he respecst me enough to talk TO me instead of down at me. so again i'll be that "type" just for you Sani baby.
and NIGGA approaching me in such a deragatory manner would only get you what you're getting right now…PITY. that's something that my "type" is really good at when dealing with weak men.
Well I guess I'll actually address the post. We here it all the time from the Bill Gates and Warren Buffets of the world. All the money and power in the world means nothing if you have no one to share it with. Yeah you'll have your fair share of jump offs and garden variety hoes but really is that enough?
I don't know I'm the kind of chic who's on my A game moreso when surrounded by someone who supports my goals and dreams. It is not apart of human nature to be alone, we were not created that way. So yeah world domination is fun and all, but there aren't that very many people you can trust when you're on top…wouldn't it be nice to know that you have at least one, and that she was there while you were climbing that mountain. To know someone is vested in your success is a beautiful feeling. It may not always work out the way we want it to and there are going to be sacrifices that have to be made on both sides, but if you're both all in then no matter what happens it will work out the way it's supposed to.
…color me an optimist i guess.
LMAO @ Teacia…I concur with you girl. Thank you – I needed this laugh today.
"when a man has found someone who has caught his eye…I do know that time shows up (for a “busy” man)"
I agree Comeback Girl. No matter how busy a man is, if he's "into the woman" he will find time–he will use the text messaging, email, phone calls in between meetings etc to keep in contact with the object of his desire.
SBM – You have to do you. Keep going for the goal and don't forget us when you become the next Bill Gates (smile). The right woman for you will be there either while you're striving for it or when you get there. She should be your helpmate and I'm sure you're looking for more than just the "eye-candy" so that you'll make a wise choice in whoever you do decide to end up getting serious with. Whose to say you two couldn't rule the computer world together–:)
I didn't do the poll because at this point in my life the answer would be both. I will continue to strive to build my career but a sister does want the love of a good man to go along with it 🙂
@ Teacia well said..lol
My two cents:
@ SBM~ I understand your quest for world domination, however after you have conquered the world and you look around to to say "look at what I have done" if there is not a special lady by your side too say " baby I knew you could do it" , than what would be the point.
I agree w/ Shelia your helpmate will understand your desire to rule the world.
At the moment I can't answer the poll question 'cause I'm still trying to figure out the balance between love/career.
Shelia where you been???
"Whose to say you two couldn’t rule the computer world together–:)"
Good point…but sounds too much like RIGHT…and um…. well aligned 🙂 back to planet hoe(tess) cup cake. I most def. want to know that a man is working his angle while I am working mine (and when we come together-its just that much better).
Which why I don't prescribe to the "complete me" notion. So while we wait on our prince or king…and once he shows up THEN we will rock the world together???? That doesnt seem right to me. I want to be able to show my king that I just don't come with debt, a sad story, and I pipe dream. I come with real estate, a "business", equity, my cooking game, a booty, intellect, and a cute feng shui'd cozy house….oh and my jimmy shelves:)
oh yes. and WE KNOW that ALL BUSY MEN have time…its just who he's spending it with….cause it is rather magical for the right woman. All that work/life balance just all of a sudden starts to unfold. He MAKES it work.
re the poll…i didnt answer either…at this point its not an either or proposition. And I cant pay Washington Gas, BGE, Sanitary Commission with all this admiration/affection i've been getting recently.
I agree a busy man will make the time for the right woman. They will stay up late at night to talk to you, call during 5 minutes breaks at work, send text messages when they can't talk, and the occasional email to break away from the stress.
And the right woman will do the same for a man who's equally as desirable. It's all about give and take in the end, if you're taking more than you're giving then the relationship won't last, that is unless the chic has low self-esteem and doesn't require much…and you don't strike me as the guy who likes the chic with low esteem. I say let it flow, you guys will MAKE it work…ain't nobody ever say it was going to be easy…EVER. The challenges make the rewards seem that much more rewarding in the end.
"I agree a busy man will make the time for the right woman. "
you hit the nail right on the head. He will SHOW up and BE present.
Good luck finding that balance Rone baby…we all have your back.
I haven't read the comments above…
SBM this is a conversation I have a lot with a guy I know. He is 34, has every degree possible, traveled, worked, and etc. We are very close so I am always telling him he should get married, plus every women that mets him thinks he is the 'one'. During one of our conversation I understood why he isn't ready for marriage…
He has been in school since pre-k all the way to getting his JD no breaks. (that is to damn long anyway) He had a career in finance but it didn't work out. Now he is trying to get a business off the ground. He is 34 and has been trying to check all the right boxes and it hasn't worked out. He hasn't had a chance to live freely as he wanted too, he has always been on the grind. With that being said he isn't ready for marriage simply because he wouldn't be completely happy and hasn't enjoyed life. ( I think this makes sense)
My aunt and uncle always tell my cousins and I that we are so busy trying to check the right boxes in careers, money, partying, and etc. that we are going to miss the right person. They believe this generation is not as committed to having families but more on a paper chase which at the end of the day doesn't mean anything. They say by the time when finish our paper chase the other part of life would have passed us by.
In the past, I wanted to be single, success, wealthy, and doing whatever I wanted to do. Once an extremely success and wealthy older man told me that is great to have goals, but it's a lonely life if you don't have anyone to share it with. At that point I changed my entire thought process and began to determine what was important to me and what did I want to leave behind when I died. Now I want to get married, be successful, but more importantly happy.
So what makes you happy SBM? Will obtaining all those things make you happy? Can you balance careers and love? Well look at those we are hear and read about most of the wealthy and successful go through several marriages. If you are able to set yourself up now, and by the time you get married you can slow down then that would be great. But if you are going to continue to take over the world while trying to be a husband and nurture your children it is going to be extremely difficult. Barack and his wife have the same goal. They both were lawyers, and from what I understand have common interest and goals.
If you find a women who has that same hustle mindset then you can reach the stars and do both. You have to find someone with that same drive as you then you all will be able to adjust accordingly. That is when you can balance because you have the same goals. I have seen marriages were one person is really driven and the other person is content with life the way it is. On the other hand I have seen and know powerful couples because they are both highly driven people and have similar goals.
Find the one that fits your missing piece in your puzzle and they will connect with you on all levels. Meaning this issue won't be a problem at all.
Sorry so long..
Oh yeah I have a relative who wanted to conquer the world and did that, he has everything he is rich literally. But has everything you could want but he is alone. Why because that he is at the top he can't trust anyone. So he has no friends and no wife. All the money, power and respect in the world can't by you happiness.
Try not focusing on being the next "black Bill Gates" but focus on being the next "best SBM"
Ms. Devereaux…so on point. I went for love, the till death do us part and all. Needlesss to say after 21 years it didn't work out, but I have no regrets. I just wish I could have seen into the furture. Now here I am starting all over again…and ya know what? It aint so bad. I just feel like a teenager who just left their parents home…Everything is new and different than what I remember before I married, so there's this adjustment you go through. I find myself asking my daughter who is in college…"Is it live or memorex" There's so much hype and fakeness out here. Just know if you find love go for it. The money, and all the trappings will be there, if that was your intial goal.
if you cant read or hear then dont comment on what you dont know….
thats the definition on ignorance…. we already had this lesson.
A busy man "MAY" make time for the right woman, but when push comes to shove the decision has already been made at his core what he will choose.
its amazing, you type of black women that choose men for one reason then hate him for it later.
If you admire me for my honor and dignity then expect me to do something that impunes it
you want a man who wants his money but then want him to pick you first (when you dont have money)
you like these men who are constantly out of touch, and it turns you on about him, but then somehow expect to change him and think he will put you first and be a perfect fit for you afterwards.
I think we had this conversation already….. this is the same shit as women who trap men by getting pregnant when they know at their core that these men dont want to be with them and dont want a child, yet somehow feel they "will grow up" and they "would make a great father if they tried"
*yawning*…you bore me.
When…and if…your ready to think about making something work…you will. Until that chick comes along or until you realize that…your gonna need someone to rub your head after a hard days work of ruling the world. For now, it's ok to just enjoy whatever entree is on the menu.
I think it's a problem when people start to feel like they have to, or are suppose to settle down at a certain age or for certain reasons… Some people really need to prepare themselves before they think about taking on a relationship…just like just having a kid, there are a lot of people who have kids and have no clue or desire to raise a child. Without taking the time to think things through.
It's a lot of responsibility to hold someones heart in the palm of your hand…so make sure you've thought it over…
"but when push comes to shove the decision has already been made at his core what he will choose."
well is the sky falling AGAIN. I agree. While the man is doing his gut check (and puts a woman in a certain catagory) she needs to do her own. But sometimes that gets trumped by the elation of being "choosen". The deeper question might be "for what?" But its fair to say that when a man decides so has a woman (alignment happens when they both have chosen the same thing at the same time).
I do maintain though Hasani that you DO sound rather angry about SOMETHING. I know what it is. But you never want to talk about it. I'd like to also extend my hand to help you. You have my number Hasimeister.
The Comeback Girl I've been enjoying a little time off the net with the family. I've been trying to get caught up on reading some of the posts but you all have been busy so I had to take a break.
Imagine that, when I talk to you insted of at you I bore you.
I smell wood burning, dont think too hard about what I said.
Its actually amazing … I make a statement… you dont listen…. you make an incorrect reprisal… we correct you… you get mad…. I tell you what you missed…. you dont listen…..
da ignance of yall damn niggaz be amazin yo
So I had a money talk I have been dreading with Miss Alaska today.
I seriously cant get a grip on this relat….err.. Arrangement.
She hates my guts and all she does is argue with me and bicker and fuss and yell. She then fixes me dinner and fucks the hell out of me….. no no I REALLY mean fucks the hell out of me, You have no clue what this shit is like! (wipes brow)
So its amazing how I claim that I want a nice gal and I dont want to argue or fight or bicker with anyone but I must say theres something so comforting about bein around her, when she is happy. And I seriously feel the sex is almost primal, I think its just good chemistry I wont blame it on us being the same or half the same race. But the continuous bickering from someone who I barely even friggin know is beginning to grate on me.
if it starts out as arguments all the time wont it stay that way since she is at her way in her core?
She kept proding me about how much I earn today, which caused alot of friction. She also bugged out about my 82 honda civic and said I need to "get rid of that shit" and went on a rant of all the stuff I need to buy. If she is this way at her core in the beginning wont she always be this way?
still a bit confused. I need to separate someone who is good on paper and good in bed from someone who is just ok when it comes to being nice and compatible.
Mean people suck, but god damn she pushed my buttons the right way!!
we all have the power to create our own reality
unless we are weak
*still yawning*…while watching the pure fuckery unfold…which will no doubt lead to another 10 year trainwreck just waiting to happen.
So I'm not sure what the consensus is, seems like I need to just keep going after my goals and something will pop off it needs too.
Also, this whole thing about no one being "too busy" is pure bullsh*t. I'm sorry, but just because he likes you doesn't mean he has all the time in the world. I will admit, he will make some time, but it really just might not be the time you so call "deserve". If your disrespected or completely neglected … thats bad … but If Comeback starts talking this foolishness about calling from the Hospital … I swear I'm gonna kirk (DC word for "Go Crazy")
"sorry, but just because he likes you doesn’t mean he has all the time in the world"
I totally agree. When I first meet a man, my expectation is NOT that he manufactures time. In fact in the VERY beginning its more of an indication of a personality flaw. I'm talking about what happens when the party has slowed down. When he and she has discovered through conversation and face time, that they want to just see oneanother.
If that happens too soon. If he's got tons of time to talk and spend with me at week 3 or 4. I begin to wonder about his priorities. And his MO.
" I will admit, he will make some time, but it really just might not be the time you so call “deserve”"
The "so call time I deserve" WTF…that sounds like a rationing in the great depression. I understand SBM…cause there's SO VERY MUCH OF YOU TO GO AROUND…:)
Interesting thing about the hospital…my late uncle helped design one of the first advanced Nortel telephone switching systems for a hospital in the late 80s. Its a Nortel…the same one I work on today….
the hospital telephone is sooo robust, reliable, and has built in redundancy.
thanks Uncle Elliott. RIP
Id rather have a 10 year great relationship than be a mans pincushion and cum dumpster just because I have a certain body type Teacia 🙂
Now while I have been in a "fuk me then who cares" types of relationships you are used to…. you need to get where Uncle HNICs level and have yourself one that lasts for a third of your life and for heavens sake try living with someone for any real amount of time.
SBM: My advice as an older brotha. the relationship thang is not yoru primary so focus on what you are put on earth to do and thats dominate the corporate scene. You should be able to survive on the amount of female companionship you will garner by having the income and toys you want. And your career will make you everyday happy even if a woman cant because its what you really want to do.
@Hasani: Gotdamn … your really are an asshole my friend.
I'm as mean as they come … but even I have my limites. If you keep talking to the women here like that you won't be commenting anymore (read: blocked).
A cum dumpster … wow … no mas!
Hmm I could not answer your question of the week. I personally need both what is my career when the accomplishments from them is coming back at home to an empty home. I personally also need Love but what is love only for me esp the fact that I am a woman and men are unpredictable married to him I need something of my own to fall back on hence meaning I have a career to provide that. SO I want both equally I do not want one more than the other.
Im a dick.. not an asshole. I say true things that people dont want to hear in a very curt manner.
If some woman wants to come at my neck about me saying she hopes my next relationship will be a 10 year trainwreck..
in the world of HNIC it is equal to talk about the result of her last relationship and how she was treated.
Last I checked black women were just as powerful a force in america as black men. ol girl can dish it out I dont think she needs anyone to save her.
now telling us BOTH to be respectful and love one another is another story… I can agree with that. but I think its safe to say I have put my nice guy hat on MORE than enough times only to be slaped in the face by this one here……
bullshit Hasani and you know it…you say whatever you want regardless of whether or not anyone provokes you…read above comments for clarification. And i didn't say that i hope anything happens…only that i would sit back and watch it unfold…you and i both know the situation you described above with miss alaska is far from healthy…but on the contrary i wish you all the best. and u assume u know anything about my last relationship…men don't run over me…it's just not the way it works in my world…sorry to disappoint you.
I agree with you 100% I'm a pretty girl and men are constantly asking me why I'm single. My reply is always that it's easy to be single when you're on your grind. I work constantly, I am working on more degrees, I'm ambitious and competitive….the list of why it's easy to stay single goes on and on. I don't believe that BS about men being intimidated. If I find a dude that matched my hustle…it'll be love at first sight. Even though I'll only see him once a month! lol