This post was originally posted on January 6th, 2008. A lot of you weren’t there at the time … so this throwback is for you!
I remember back in college actually having to convince some of my female friends the club wasn’t a good place to meet their boyfriend. To me … I was shocked that I had to actually argue this point. I thought it was clear to everyone that the club was for finding one night stands, jumpoffs, and bucket heads … not Ms. (or Mr.) Right.
Why is the club tailored to those looking for temporary love? What is it about the club that is poisionous to the creation of true love? Why is any relationship formed in the club almost always doomed to fail? Simple … the Club Mentality.
I can’t speak for everyone, every club, everywhere, but generally speaking, the club is the definition of … “the frenzy”. There is a lot of liquor involved, its an enviroment solely focused on social interactions between men and women. The music is too loud for conversation. Lights are dim and liquor flows freely. Its one of the few places you can walk behind a female, start grind on her ass … and not break any laws or be arrested. Rules, laws, and social norms that are upheld on “the outside” … simply don’t apply here. Its a different world.
A lot of guys go to the club to take a girl home with them. They are often the most aggressive too. In addition, as a guy, you know more girls are going to be open to conversation as opposed to the “real world” … so you don’t have to worry about “bothering” someone. While physically abusing a girl is still just as wrong, all those overly aggressive moves you had to retire are now allowed and often practiced. Also, for some reason, a fight is now a possibility. While at work your calm, on the road you let people pass you, but in the club … let someone scuff your sneakers or spill your drink … bout to be a misunderstanding!
For the ladies, you know that someone is going to disrespect you. Your ass will be grabbed, someone is going to pull your arm and not want to let go, and somebody is going to be overly aggressive about getting your number. A guy is going to come up to you and start “dancing” … which is closer to sex than anything else, but for some reason … tonight its OK. And while your open to conversation for any “cute” guy who is “acting right” … you also prepared a set of statement for those … “showing their ass”.
In both cases … your not thinking or acting logically. Your not the same person that you are at work, or in the grocery store, or while walking down the street. I know the thought of sleeping with someone I have known for less than 24 hours suddenly seems more appealing to me … personally. And once that liquid courage (alcohol) gets in the system … Mild mannered SBM suddenly becomes … well this post isn’t about me …
Not only is the person you meet at the club not a valid representation of this person, but its hard to take anyone as serious in the club. I’m thinking about different things, the “standards” your getting judged by are significantly different, and honestly … even if I meet Ms. Right … I still might do something stupid and probably will try to cheapen something that could have been nice. Its sad, but its so true.
I will say, there are certain lounges, Happy Hours, and upscale lounges that can provide a relatively healthy meeting place for single individuals … but that isn’t the norm.
Hmm I got a date with the most wonderful woman I ever met.. because she thought it would be "kewl" to date a guy who could get her into jerseys club abyss for free. not because she wanted to spend the next 10 years with him.
I met "miss may" in a club, like on the dance floor, she coulda at least gotten "keyed" by me.
but as a long time SERIOUS jersey club head, and a current jersey "lounge lizzard" I must agree with your assessment.
I never dated anyone from a club.
Half the dates I get now are from upscale lounges
"…i wanna make love in this club…eyyy"
yep, that's all i got for now…it's still early i guess.
I am VERY new to this website but I want to say that I throughly enjoy the posts and the comments. Thank for SBM for giving me a new prespective. I am young but I have majority male friends and I love to learn more about the SBM in the city.
Now on topic ….
I think the club enviornment works for a number of reasons. Namely that we use this happy hours, I have a job, and I'm better than the average negro mentality to justify the way we act. For example, I can't tell you how many texts I get for open bars around the city. My girls and I throw on some heels expecting a high scoeity feel and guess what IT'S the same old thing. Dudes are dudes. Unfortunately us women think the words "happy hour" and "grown & sexy" will change that.
When will we learn to go to churches and schools to find our mates as oppose to the club…….
This post really hits home for me. I was one of those girls who NEVER talked to/hooked up with/or dated anyone from the club. One night while out with 12 of my closest friends I'd had a little too much to drink and while STANDING ON THE CORNER of a lounge hit on a guy driving by. I didn't even remember how he looked when we went on our first date but had been encouraged by my friends to "try something new." The first date was amazing and we've been together ever since. Now, I realize that this is VERY RARE and find it very comical that I will one day have to tell my kids that I met their daddy on the corner…LOL!
in most case u can find needy women in clubs at most for the worse groupies – its sad
rawdawg …. correction… theres needy women EVERYWHERE. not just the clubs. Every time I leave my house im in a situation where I see more women than men. even my GYM has more women than men.
The lounges are a no brainer. I would not rule out meeting a decent woman at a lounge or a club. most of us are not dating for our future wife, we are dating to find someone great to date.
since single women go out to clubs and lounges… I will be going out to clubs and lounges to meet them. its really a no brainer.
@Hasani: Personally Hasani, I hate dating. Its expensive, it wastes time with women who aren't worth it, and its hard to keep coming up with these breathtaking dates (as I settle for nothing less). If I'm actually dating you … you need to be worth a real investment … otherwise some through the spot after 11p and make sure your ready to go by time I get to work … cause there is no need for anything more.
And there are 500 times more needy women at a club then at the gym!
@Daisy: Really … the drive by … that worked and led to something real … maybe I might have to change my views on a couple things.
@Fly: Wait … so you think the club works???
@SBM: It was the most random situation ever! I really think it was a twist of fate and wouldn't reccommend anyone doing it. At this age, I think our best bets are being set-up by friends or family. I mean we're out of school and work dating is always touchy.
@Hasani: There are needy women in clubs but there are just as many needy/stalkerish men! People just need to take the club for what it is – a liquor induced meat market.
NO! I do not think the club works I just think we play ourselves by thinking these 'grown and sexy events' are better than the average club….Since I am in DC for school I'll give a DC example….people think they could meet a husband at Park but not at H2O….my point is the same b.s. is in both places …a club is not the place to met a worthy man
And I totally agree SBM with the expensive dates…but on the other hand …I always fall into a bad trap because I try not to demand a lot from a man meaning money and dates but then end up with only movies and walks in the park ….can't there be a way to be a middle ground between understanding and gold digger ?!
@Fly JD/MBA Chick—CHUUURCH! Say it again sistah! The same BS going on at H20 is going on at the Park. The dudes at the Park are just dressed better (and frontin waaaaay harder).
In regards to dating, I never call them dates until after we've "hung out" a few times. Just like a man is concerned about spending his money to an unworthy woman I am equally concerned about giving up prime "funtime" to an unworthy man. I like to see if we mesh well before stepping out to a really nice dinner or play. Lets meet for coffee or I have guys meet me where I'll already be so that i'm already in a comfy environment if he turns out the a dud. ie. I'm at my favorite sports bar catching the game, why don't you fall thru, or I'm already at jazz in the park so it's cool if we meet up there and have a little get to know you session.
oh gurl I have dates ones like you. Thats why I make every woman I take out to declare it a date or she can stay her ass home on the couch wit ben and jerry. This has been my staple the past 4 months. I have left only ONE woman home who wouldnt decalre. but Fuk that "hang out" ish.
SBM: who is the simp and who is the dapper don now my son? Im not doin the ballin type dates anymore. I seem to go overboard on my dates when I am not dating any other high caliber women. Adding "Miss June" (My name for her since she is the arch enemy of "miss may") to the dating lineup has made me not put up with anyones shit. Shes a philosophical Hippie model…. so what can you bring to the table? is usually my mindset. Every dude that dates needs the one 50 Caliber bullet type to keep him from turning into a pez dispenser for evil user type women.
Another reason why I dont do the baller type dates is because I have already been domesticated. So I know what the day to day is gonna be like with a woman and its not 70 dollars worth of rose petals on the bed to make love and Moet filled bath tubs with candles after. its lovin and livin is what its about.
I think that it is possible to meet a quality person in the lounge setting I think it just depends on where you are. Sometimes the guy has been dragged there just like me by his freinds and is posted up at the bar. I have had really good conversations that have actually led to dates, dating and then a relationship.
But that is rare…
I think that in this area especially the DMV it is really hard to meet a quality person. There are some men who go to CHURCH because they know that is where we are looking. They are just there fronting like they want someone quality when they really came to church to find some new booty.. saved booty! lol.. crack myself up.
I also disagree with SBM when he says that
"For the ladies, you know that someone is going to disrespect you. Your ass will be grabbed, someone is going to pull your arm and not want to let go, and somebody is going to be overly aggressive about getting your number"
I dont think this should be a given and I dont think that this happens.. especially not in the places I go to..
@Fefe: The disrespect is something that diminishes with the overall age of the crowd and depending on the type of establishment, but even the classiest of place will inevitable be infiltrated by n*ggas. You just can't keep them away forever or 100% of the time. It might not be your ass … but something is getting squeezed.
@Hasani: Lets be real … Moet filled Bubble Baths! I said breathtaking, not "balling outta control" dates. Some dates I do are completely free, but their extremely thoughtful or catered to the interests of the special someone worth my time.
@BigBrown: Don't give me that "my precious time" BS. This has come up before, and we put way more on the line in taking a first date then ya'll do, so parting with 2 hours with a bum in exchange for a 5 star dinner is nothing to complain about.
@Daisy: I love the set up by the friend. I come into the date with a dossier and already having one reference vouch for me. Family … I don't know about that one. Only problem is when it doesn't work out or if I dog her … I mean … someone gets dogged out.
@Fly: I feel there is some truth to the better place the better quality the people. I know if I'm chilling in my suit after work at K Street I might approach you as someone with a mind, if I catch you while drunk at Ibiza I may just be checking out your behind (Laughing like a madman at my own rhyme!)
Well, I don't live in the DMV, but I can say that I don't have any trouble meeting qaulity men out here in Houston. Now, my problem is trying to determine who I should spend my time with. It's actually a hard decision to make at times.
@SBM: You're right and can't be no righter about "parting with 2 hours with a bum in exchange for a 5 star dinner is nothing to complain about." I do it, and so do alot of men and women. It's just that when men do it, they just hang around for the same 2 hours talking to you or whatever else to occupy that time, because they know at the end of the night you will share your goodies with them.
And yes, church is definitely a good place to meet people. It's a social schmorgazborg!!! I go to a fairly large chrurch, and many times attend the noon "sinner's" service (LOL). This is the service where you see everybody from the night before. LOL!! However, when I make it to that 10am service, I definitely catch the attention of some Grade A Prime Rib, Ribeye, Filet, whatever you wanna call it. I go to get my word, but I cannot tell a lie like G. Washington, when I say I definitely be in there praising him for all that wonderful eye candy…lol
@SBM–You may believe that because you dropped $100+ on a meal is more important than my time and I completely disagree. I have dated guys where taking women out to 5 star meals was SOP (standard operating procedure). It no longer impresses me and I don't place a higher value on the dollar amount that a man spends on me than I do on my time. Miss me with that you put more on the line biz. If we are just hanging out first before you invest any real money then aren't I doing the guy a favor? The hang out sessions are about BOTH of us determining if we actually do want to date. Wouldn't you rather know that a woman is high strung or vapid and superficial over a $3 latte than over steaks at Ruths Chris?
@ BigBrwnEyez : I agree that I would rather have a first date that is quality over the amount spent and sometimes it is better to get that Latte then to have to spend an hour or more over an expensive dinner with someone you just arent that into.
Hmmmm…so here's the thing. Time is just that…time, seconds in a minute, minutes in an hour, hours in a day and so forth. When did we all become so brand new as to where one person's time is more valuable than another's. It's not just 2 hours of my day that may possibly be wasted, it's 2 hours of theirs as well.
I don't get it, when did black women become so damn brand new that they could not "sacrifice" their time for the possibility of something great. It's like anything else where numbers are involved, the more time you spend and times you try something new, the more likely you will be to find what you want.
Money and time…blah, blah, blah…it's like a blog of whiners. I'm spending my money doing this, and I'm spending my time doing that…blah, blah, fucking blah. I tell you man this is where the madness begins. There are good men and women everywhere…and yes even in the club. They're at bars, bookstores, stop lights, gas stations, corners, frozen food isles, churches, schools, lounges, "grown and sexy" night, and my personal favorite…on blogs.
"Women in the clubs are groupies..they just want you to buy them a drink(cause their company is only worth $10 right), niggas in the club ain't shit(cause they only want to f*ck me sideways right)"…wrong…and this my friends is why we are a dying race. We have very little faith if any in one another.
Yeah yeah there's a bunch of madness in the club, but it's JUST A CLUB. The general premise is to meet people and have a good time…what happens after that is up to the consenting adults, if you want him to call you don't go home with his ass…if he doesn't call then you're all the better for it b/c he wasn't into you anyways. If you want to just get laid to the side ain't nothing wrong with that either…you're BOTH consenting ADULTS…DO YOU.
But please folks, lay off of it already…I'm the same sitting here at work as I am in the club, it makes me no less a woman b/c of the strobing lights, free flowing liquor and loud music.
Honestly, I prefer to just hang out as opposed to going on dates as far as our 1st few meetings. I think it fosters a more comfortable atmosphere for people to get to know each other, if that's what the case may be.
@Teacia: You are soooo right, no one's time is more important than the other; I just think no one wants to feel as though they have been used and got got. I think it goes like this "Yeah girl, I'm about to go out on a date with So-N-So." I'm not not sure where it's going to lead, but I know I'll get me a prime rib dinner out of it."
I have been on dates with other men who aren't black, and have girlfriends who aren't black, and this is something that is not race specific to us. We (all races) all do it. Women don't wanna feel used for their sex, looks, etc, and men don't wanna be used for their money.
@SBM .. I hope you aren't wasting your suit at K St. ….you better save that look for Josephine's 🙂
Renegade I feel you…but like a good friend of mine told me this year, all that analyzing and trying not to get played leaves you right where you're at now…single.
He suggested I free-fall my way through relationships…I took his advice and I've been my happiest over the last few months. I let go of my "list" of superficial criteria and start doing what felt good…again I've found happiness. I'm not sure how long it's going to last, but I'm going to enjoy it while it's here. If I get played in the process so be it, it's a part of life, no one is immune to it. We just gotta learn how to brush it off and keep it moving on to the next…because we all know that there will always be a next.
Ladies just let your guard down and go with it for a change…if nothing else you'll end up with a good story.
T, I agree and that's the approach I am currently taking, but in general, I still attract the same kind of men. I have given people outside of my "list" a try, it's working, kinda . . .
I never said my time was more valuable to anothers I just said MY time was valuable to ME. Only I determine what is a good use of my time as opposed to a straight waste. I agree that grown folks should do what feels good to them as they are consenting adults. You wanna go home with some random dude/woman 10 minutes after you meet at the club? Do you, it's your perrogative. But as a friend and/or innocent bystander to your loud ass converstaion i'd rather not hear you whine about the poor choices you made in the heat of the moment because it felt right at the time and now at 8am you feel it was stupid. Every race of people has a "list" of what they want from a mate or how they want to meet them, thats not just indicative of blacks. You can meet a good person at the club just like you can meet them at church. You can also meet a wolf at the club just like you can meet one in the church. You are just more likely to meet someone showing their whole azz at the club then you would at church. Just depends on whether you want to know the dirt up front or later.
Just cause there are plenty of dudes willing to waste the money doesn't mean its not significant.
A good point has been made, no one person's time is worth more than the other … and … in general … no one's time is really worth much at all.
I do agree, hanging out first is better because I consider them a qualifying round. If you suck at the qualifiers, why pay the money for you to go compete in the tournament? But … don't tell me that your 2 hours are more significant than my 2 hours because you are a woman … thats that bullsh*t. And sorry, but if I gotta give up time and money … then I'm out more!
Oh … and I still think the club isn't "just a club". Sure you can meet a good chic at the club … but I know that I stereotype like a bigot! You could have an MBA, be a debutante, and come from a high class background and hold the highest standards for yourself … if I catch you slipping at the club I only have about 3 things on my mind … and putting a ring on your finger isn't any of them.
Maybe its just me … but damned if I can even treat a girl I meet at the club as a serious contender for my time. Only one thing I'm really trying to give her …
Dude Id totaly go to a church to meet renegade 😉
yall silly talkin that go to church to meet "good people" though.
SBM….. the above post is but so true, and Im glad you get to be the villan for saying it today and not me.
Stupidity incites real change…it's taken 2 terms of a stupid ass president for white America to finally get this dumb shit through their thick skulls.
It sometimes take being played to know how/when to do things differently.
And as far as the random hookup in the club…well we all live and learn from our stupid mistakes. I personally have never gone home with a guy I met at the club that night. I didn't have many rules but that was one of them. You just never know who's out there and a license plate number sometimes isn't enough. Now if I was already dating dude and I saw him at the club well then it was on.
SBM it really is just a club, those stereotypes are the ones that have you missing out on your potential blessings. Everyone is entitled to a night out of fun, this may be a bi-annual thing for a chic and she may have all of the above qualifiers but you won't see it b/c you're too busy stereotyping.
I agree with the whole qualifying round as well…so how soon is too soon to go out of town with a dude after you meet them?
Hasani…cut it out…damn!
….Well it's time for CNN's Black in America…tune in everyone!!
cut what out? (wipes the guilty look off his face)
you have no proof of what I am looking at in my other web browser!!!!
@SBM: This is for you. Better?
In regard to the CNN special lastnight:
I know one of those kids from that one black "well to do" family they were featuring. I was happy to see us portrayed in a good light while also showing the bad. And that church in 5th ward they showed, that was my great grandma's church! In case anyone ever visits Houston, word to the wise, 5th ward is not where you wanna be at night. LOL!!
Thank you CNN for featuring the H in this portion of the series!!! H-town stay down! LOL!!
@Renegade: A lot better. I actually really like that song. Not sure about whoever chopped it though …
@SBM: I figured you would. I like that song (and all it's remixes). If you really wanna get some good C&S stuff you can search youtube for names, then use a downloading program to get them offline. On Sunday nights (I think) here in Houston, for a few hours they only play S&C music…I love it!
If you like "My DOugie, " by Lil Will you would probably like "Bust it Wide Open" as well. He sampled his own song.
@SBM: Gimme your e-mail, I can hit you with a few things. Check this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jtlKYHm7RY
@Renegade: There was another mix listed on there that had been chopped better. Also, I got the song on a swishahouse CD and damn near get emotional when it comes on.
That other Lil Wil song is straight. He got an album, haven't seen one anywhere. How come Lil Keke gets so much love in TX, but he's like one of the few artists who can't seem to get out of the area.
I've down the dl from youtube thing before … but I'm lazy. My email is on the "Need Advice" page.
@Teacia: The song's funny, Hasani, or u saw someone fall down round your job and it just cracked u up?
I think Keke is content with being a hood star like many rappers in the H. Many of them can still make money independently, because there is no middle eatin' off you.