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I can change … right?

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I mentioned last week (or maybe two weeks ago) I would be listening to R&B in order to see what changes it had on my mood and personality.  Sad to say … after about 3 days nonstop I was looking my mind and had to stop … but while doing it I managed to re discover the greatness that is John Legend.

With the craziness of this past weekend … I did manage to find some time to listen to this album once again and found myself eerily connecting with this one song.  Initially I was drawn to it because it featured Snoop Dogg … but as his intro faded and Mr. Legend came in with the keys … but I was already drawn in.

Snoop …



Hey yo nephew check this out man
Now I know you got that bad chick right there
You aint even tripping off of her
But she doing all of that for you
She got this, she got that
She’s off the hizzle
I mean when you find one like that
You got to make that change man
Cuz they don’t come too often
And when they do come
You gotta be smart enough to know when to change

Is this one of the most prolific, time tested, and well known gangster rappers preaching of changing … for a woman.

See Also:  The Club Mentality: Wife ... from the club ... NOT HAPPENING

Whoa …

I listened to the rest of the song … and it stood in contrast to a lot of what I believed or preached.  Change for a woman?  Alter myself for someone else?  Bend my principles for the satisfaction of another … surely you jest!

But as I sat and listened … it all made sense.  There is no reason to let someone get away who deserves a new and improved you because your holding onto a list of principles you drafted in high school after watching a Luke video and thinking like Pimp C that “B*tches aint sh*t”.  The truth is … gotta grow up at some point.

So … with another year under my belt … I think I’m finally ready to change.  I’ve always been good … but I guess its time to be great.  This all of course is only for the right person … not your average stuck up, overly demanding, “I aint cooking sh*t”, “suck your own dick”, emasculating, no good and selfish scallywag (yeah … motherf*ckin scallywag) … but for that Nubian (in my case), “hold me down”, cook grits for you in the morning (although cream of wheat is far superior), rub your back, kiss your forehead, and make you feel like a man type of woman.  I might have found her too (I lucked out) … but we’ll see what happens (change don’t come easy).

See Also:  I Haven't Been Fully Honest with You

So … can you, should you, and would you change?

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLwZxIeJa_Y]

P.S. … I couldn’t find a chopped & screwed version.

Comment(109)

  1. Good Morning!

    Speaking from a one-woman perspective (since this morning's blog seems to be more catered to the fellas)… I'd say a man can, should and would change if he felt the woman in his life is the one for him. Granted, it doesn't always happen that easily — it's hard for a old dog to stop peeing in the house when he's never been trained better — but SOME men can, should and would change.

  2. What Up. I think a dude should change if he feel she is the right woman. The problem though is knowing that what you are doing you are doing for the right woman. I broke a lot of rules that I had for my ex and honestly she was not worth it. My rules weren't superficial either. At least to me they weren't. A man has to be mature enough to recognize what he has too. I've had a lot of freinds that had good women but they were not mature enough to step up or appreciate what they had.

  3. @Humble_One – I agree with you. Maturity plays a huge role (and I'm not saying maturity as in age… but mental maturity).

  4. @Ms. Freckles – I know. One thing I have learned from my last relationship is that age and maturity does not always coincide.

  5. This post is obviously about me, but I do ask that question to everyone … male and female. Do you, as a man or woman, think you should personally change for another person? I feel that its more of an issue for men as we are often though of as "not ready" of "fighting it" … but I think this one really goes both ways.

    @Humble One: Have you come up with the formula to determine if she is worth it? I've been working on that one for awhile and I'm sad to say progress is slow. Too often you fool yourself. I need to write some software where u check off boxes and get a "worth it" rating. That sh*t will sell like fire.

    @Ms. Freckles: For the men not in that SOME … is there even hope for them in terms of relationships? Isn't changing kind of a requirement a little?

  6. @SBM – Honestly, I don't feel people change for other people. If you or anyone for that matter changes… it has to be for themselves. To make them better. If you simply change for someone else, the results can very well be temporary… then what!?

  7. Correction: Because I just contradicted myself.

    People can and should change. But what I should have said earlier is that people should change for themselves when they meet the right person…not for the person. Make sense?

  8. Cosigning w/Ms. Freckles!

    You change b/c you get tired of doing the same thing and not getting new results. You change for the betterment of self, not because it will make you look better in someone else's eyes.

  9. @Blak Chik – exactly. You should never change for someone else because it's not genuine. It's only for that person and the results or usually temporary. I have yet to meet a person who has changed for the other person versus themselves and it lasts.

  10. @SBM – I have not come up with a formula but i do have a list of character traits you have to display before I even consider you for a relationship. I'm not gonna front I also have a questionaire. I came up with those questions to kind of weed out the boo boo heads. I can tell you that you have to do your homework on her. One thing I learned from my last relationship and observing what my boys have gone through is that you really have to see how they where raised. Also find out why their past relationships failed and what they expect from a man.

  11. I have to side with the ladies today they all make very valid a succinct points.

    "One thing I learned from my last relationship and observing what my boys have gone through is that you really have to see how they where raised"

    Humble is right on with this. Men seem to be getting quite self-examining these days. I don't know if Socrates is out ("the unexamined life is not worth living") in screwed and chopped…but most ALWAYS leave out the dyamics between their mother/father, mother/significant other. Even the ones who can boast their parents are together, and have a very hard time respecting my viewpoint and perspective—have mothers who were muted by their fathers or essentially railroaded.

    Women are soley viewed by them to provide things (feed me, fyuck me, shut the fyuk up).

    Funke and Ms. Freck also says that no one can MAKE you change directly. I would surmise it going on a temporary fast. Lasting change comes from real, consistant, critical eye on self-that usually has nothing to do with the other person. The result is just the bonus in meeting a well aligned person.

    If Im going to be the best me I can be…certainly i want to offer that. And certainly still I want to attract it.

    But I need a questionnaire too. Paying VERY VERY close attention to the parent dynamic. Not just because parents are together makes the relationship healthy or ideal. And if that's your frame of reference we still have a problem.

  12. Okay… I have to disagree with the parent dynamic. It's not always full-proof or a basis to pseudo-judge your potential mate by.

    I didn't grow up in a two parent home. Both of my biological parents died when I was 12 months old… so being raised by a single grandmother (she's divorced from my grandfather)… I was brought up "old school". I cant' say I came from a "normal" home, but I know what it is I expect and want out of life and my relationship(s).

    So how do you go off the way someone was raised if they weren't raised by their parents? Ya know.

  13. @comebackgirl – One of the problems in my last relationship IMHO was that my ex-girlfriend and I saw relationships different. My parents are still together but they dont have a traditional relationship for people their age. My mother for most of my life has made more money than my father. Both of my parents have degrees. My father cleaned the house, maintained the yard, fixed things, worked his job and disciplined me and my brother. The first person who got home was the person that cooked. Where as in her life she did not have a good relationship with her mother. She watched her mother in abusive relationships. When she stayed with her father and stepmother he was everything in the house. He was the breadwinner and supported her and her 2 stepsisters. Her father never had her or her sisters assume any responsibility. Not only that but the men she dealt with before me were the same way. So in her eyes a man was suppose to do everything. I was the first man she dealt with that held her accountable.

  14. I dont think you can just "change". If youre not ready to make that change it will show, probably in the form of cheating on that woman you changed for. I dont think you should lie to yourself just to keep a woman. This is a hot topic for me because I have been currently dating a woman for a bout a year who is basically "the shit", however I know i am not ready to settle down. People say Im wrong for not committing and "changing" but I feel if I went ahead and committed to her right now I would probably end up hurting her later. People ask me what if I lose out on her because of my not being ready, I say then it wasnt meant to happen. When i can wake up and say, "I want to be with this woman, and only this woman", is when I will committ and change. I just dont think you can forcefully dictate exactly when that happens, it has to happen subconciously I guess.

  15. I think that the parent dynamic is serious. Growing up my parents gave me alot of freedom to do as I please, while also handing me a crap load of responsibility. This in turn has made me very self sufficient and on-top-of-my-business, and in some regard, makes me feel like most men I meet are not right for me, or , let me be honest, good enough. I ALWAYS run into men who wanna gal me, but I'm always very suspect of that, which I think comes from my dad always telling me that, "N's aint Sh^t, trust me, because I was them at some point!"

    I feel like these sentiments have helped yet hurt me, and I wanna change, but I honestly don't know how. My friends (male and female) always tell me to stay how I am, but I fear I won't find the right person until I'm 40 if I keep down the same path.

    I haven't had many relationships, but the one's I have had, have been with guys who have been my friend 1st. I think it has something to do with comfort level. Is there anyone else here who dates men who were good friends before hand? I'm sure all the men on here will say that he had been on the prowl for me long before we started dating, and was just waiting on me to come around, or for his efforts to finally wear me down. Persistence is a beast. LOL!!

    @SBM: There is no way on God's green earth that Cream of Wheat is more superior than grits!!! You just have never had some real down home southern grits. The grit has to be 1 of the top 10 gifts to man!! LOL!! Also, since your on this R&B thing, check these 2 songs.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpHKvmGHmuQ&am

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=947STLMnd-w&am

    This dude is fire, and sounds even better live!

  16. Men seem to be getting quite self-examining these days. I don’t know if Socrates is out (”the unexamined life is not worth living”) in screwed and chopped…

    lmao…now this was funty!

  17. SBM, if you do change, change because its something you want to do. Don't make change just to get a specific person. Any person who makes changes for the wrong reasons usually end up regretting it. People change. Example, A person might say they only date men with short hair. You hear this and decide to cut off all your hair so that woman will take a look at you. Then the same woman may turn around and say, oh I find men with longer hair sexy. You've cut your hair in vain. Her need or view changed and here you are bald. Of course it gets deeper than that, but change should only be made to please and better yourself, not to please someone else.

  18. @Ms. Freckles – It does not necessarily have to be your parents. It can be what your grandmother, aunt, cousin, etc. taught you or you observed growing up with them. My ex stayed with her grandmother for a while and her grandmother had some BS philosphy at times. A 2 parent home is not always an ideal model when the man is a dictator and the woman is their just to serve him. I look at men in those type of relationships or men that want those type of relationships as being weak.

  19. Let me play devil's advocate for a minute:

    Okay so the funny thing about change is that you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. As a matter of fact, change is optional…but evolution is inevitable.

    Change is good, optional as it may be, but you have to always remember that the changes and/or evolutions in your life need to be looked at logically. They may not always garner the results we wish and hope for, and resentment may possibly follow. If you're going to make a change for any one person, if things don't go as you please, the only person you can hold accountable is yourself.

    I've changed or "evolved" for many a men, and although those changes didn't always get me what I wanted, I am a better me because of those experiences. I have more on my plate to offer to the next man that comes along. I support your evolution SBM, I support the inspiration behind it, but I urge you to keep a clear head on the resulting expectations. We change for those we love, and at times they tend to disappoint when the changes go unnoticed. We feel stupid, we create a hardened shell around ourselves to protect from future disappointment.

    So again I say embrace your evolution, you're getting older and some of these are inevitable, others are preferences I'm sure…just don't lose yourself at the core.

  20. I don't know if I am ready to just change for a person. A part of me doesn't want to change my single in the city girl lifestyle for someone else. Recently my best friend since childhood (how typically I know) revealed that he wanted us to be more than friends. He is perfect for me and I know he loves and respects me but I struggle with giving up my independence. I know they aren't mutually exclusive and he is more important than just being out and about BUT I still want to be me

    I thinks its important to maintain some sense of self in a relationship. You have to love and care for you better than anyone ever could.

  21. Change also comes if you see or feel the need the change. You can try to change for a woman but it won't work. If your heart is not in it and you truly don't see a need to change and you are just doing it to appease someone else it won't work.

  22. Renegade this has happened to me before…something you wrote is a trigger word and the comment has to be approved by SBM…trust me I was pissed when it happened to me too…but apparently a lot of blogs have trigger words…lol.

  23. What I've experienced before is that the woman kinda shows the man the ropes, he tries to change, then the pressure gets to him, he dogs the woman out, and the next lady benefits from these changes.

  24. @ Ms. Freckles, true its not fool proof. And parents aren't always around. My grandfather was my frame of reference for a male figure who I saw do the right thing by his family. And if my man's parents aren't together or if he was raised by an aunt or uncle, he needs to be able to speak reflectively (is that a word???) and intelligently about the dynamics.

    Maybe he even saw the female figure disrespected. Nobody's perfect. What I meant to say is that I need him to be able to come out on the other side with a critical and objective viewpoint. Many men (some on this blog) need to be in therapy FOR REAL. The notion that "women are programmed to cheat and men only dip off" (as mentioned yesterday) is very telling on the mindset. This man who wrote this didn't just wake up believing it. HE WAS CONDITIONED TO BELIEVE IT. last time I checked cheating is cheating is cheating. I don't care if the man went and put his penis in a a long lost friend 30 years ago or the maid. ITS CHEATING. Its not a dip. Its not JUST a momentary lapse. ITS CHEATING.

  25. Now that I've played devil's advocate:

    I say go for it!!! At long as you're staying true to who are at the core, then a few external changes ain't never hurt nobody…really…and to the whole hair thing that was pointed out earlier…hair grows back…lol…i've worn short and long hair for a man, never was a big deal to me since I liked both…now if a nigga asked me to bleach my skin we would have some serious issues.

    But I'm all for trying new things especially for someone I care about. I'm all for embracing multiple facets of myself…but hell I'm so in love with me anyways that any changes I make will never change who I am at the core.

    I know I keep mentioning the core thing, but it's kind of a big deal. But do you SBM and do it big…if you're going to make changes don't half ass with them…go hard or go home!

  26. Yes you should change for another person.

    I was a 6 night a week club hopping dancing womanizing machine. I didnt believe in interracial dating, didnt want a relationship and would never think of living with a woman. I wore Baggy jeans, Fleaces and Michigan and Raiders Football jerseys with a nappy Afro and a backwards bandanna.

    I somehow got struck by a thunderbolt the moment I saw her and I changed…. Ill say evolved and adapted to make a life with her.

    I became less rugged and more happy and sharper in appearance. I learned white people arent all bad evil monsters my aunts claim them to be, I started to think more about how strong a man and woman can be as a unit and how thinking of only myself is selling what we could do short. I got very fat. I stoped going out. No more clubs. No more hangin on the block. I could care less about women….. cept for porn…. and I generally loved my suburban domestic life.

    I am now a black hippie that spouts about love and honor and I watch what I eat and go to the gym 9 times a week.

    You can change, its a part of life. is it good to change? Hell fukin yeah. you gotta be one ignant sum bish to think otherwise. why would your way be the only way?

  27. "You can change, its a part of life. is it good to change? Hell fukin yeah. you gotta be one ignant sum bish to think otherwise. why would your way be the only way?"

    *standing ovation*…didn't think i had an honest one in me for you Sani baby…until now. 🙂

  28. For starters, you should never get involved with someone with the purpose of thinking you change them for whatever reasons. Basically, you can't change anyone unless that person wants to change. However with that said, the only person you can change is yourself and sometimes changing yourself creates pleasant changes in other people and therefore will lend you to find better people to be with. With that being said, If a person comes in to your life showing you the better that you could be and its not something that alters who you totally are I would say go for it.

  29. I have a question for everyone. Why don't some people change? How is it through your experiences of living life day to day you stay the same?

  30. Good points to Jolie.

    Humble I think that some people won't or can't change because their life works. And who is anybody to say that its less than ideal.

    Sometimes the way people are serves them in relationships. Sometimes it takes them off the hook for their own "misgivings". If I'm not a nice person (which I do think I am btw), being mean means that I can keep most people at bay, it doesn't require that I modifiy my social skills, that I learn how to get along with multi-faceted people. Mean people can also be manipulative. If I think manipulation gets me more in the long run than being an honorable, decent human being…well I'll probably be a jackaZZ.

    Im fascinated at the human condition. What people are willing to give up and keep just to resist change and growth. Someone also mentioned maturity (which agreed is less about age and more about evolving and being better to form better experiences).

    But it takes a personally resp. person to do that. You can't walk around pretending to be the victim of circumstance all the time. It takes a level of accountability to know that on most levels you deterimine your experience and the quality of relationships you have.

  31. @Humble_One – I think there are some who don't change because they have grown comfortable in who they are and what they represent. If they feel they are getting what they want or expect out of life, there is no need in their mind to change (in my opinion of course).

    Then you have your stubborn and plain ignorant ones who feels everyone else has the problem but them.

  32. @Comeback – I agree. I kind of thought this but this is the first timed I have seen it in words. I have observed this with men and women. Instead of dealing with issues they have they surround themselves and have relationships with people that allow them to maintain a level of comfort. Its funny because I see men and women have relationships solely on this. Their idea of a good relationship is someone that will let them be an ass and deal with it. If you challenge them it's something wrong with you not them.

  33. "Their idea of a good relationship is someone that will let them be an ass and deal with it. "

    I think this is where maturity comes in because I remember a time when I thought that was cute. I needed a man with EDGE EDGE and MORE EDGE. I still do, but this time around i'd prefer it in a hobby, like him and me on a closed course racing something (not my Betty Sue though).

    Edge shouldn't translate to ass.

  34. Preeeach!! Down here in the South we are accustomed to a certain type of hospitality. If you're going to approach me then be ready to come with the level of respect and consideration that I've grown accustomed to.

    If you're used to chics not demanding certain courtesies then that's cool, but I'm not going to demand less because you're used to being required to do less. I understand that it's never had to cross your mind before to offer to get me something to eat if you're on the way over and you're getting yourself something shortly beforehand…I understand that you've never had to make up the bed the next morning because you were the last one in it…but if you expect to be in my presence, then respect my expectations. People don't change because other's don't demand it of them. People don't change because of a fallacy that change is not something that should even be demanded(i call bullsh!t on this one).

    Change is brave, and bravery is not only rewarded…it's admired. **that's copywritten for the folks who like to e-thieve**(back in the day i used to be poet and quotician)

  35. @Teacia, Giiiiiirrrrlllll, you are so right. I feel that men who aren't from the south come at me in a differetnt manner. That may be cool for chicks around your way, but baby, lemme tell you something, it shole' aint gon' get off the ground around these parts. CLAP CLAP CLAP!!!! This is one of the main reasons why dating in Miami, Detroit, and Chicago was not up to par for me . . .

  36. Renegade girl I used to have a rule that I wouldn't date a man unless he was from one of the 7 southern states…Florida, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Lousianna, North Carolina and South Carolina…I only recently added Texas and Tennessee to the frey…they're southern but still a bit of a different mentality…but I'll give em a shot.

    I give 110% when involved with a man and it's the courtesies of a southern gentleman that i've become accustomed to. I've dated men who live north of the Mason Dixon but they were originally from the south…only a few times have I dated a guy from up north and it usually never worked out. It's almost as if the chics up there are so damn independent that the men have forgotten how to be…well men…geesh…it's a sad state I tell ya.

  37. What a shame. No offense to the men on here, but ladies, it ain't nothing like dating a man from the south, matter of fact, a good man from the south!!! They are reared a little differently. Certain things are instilled in them in regard to being a man and "courting" a woman. Some of these young cats be on some BS, but at the end of the day, it seems like they eventually come around to doing what they know is right.

    And for those that don't, thank God for the bucketheads to take them off my hands!

  38. let me know when this female maturity sets in. Only 3 women who love me out of the 47 dates I been on. one is Miss Alaska. And thats only after she called me over on chance that she was lonely and upset I was out with a tall hot blond. I treat her like absolute crap and am such a dick to her…. like I almost feel like a sociopath since I have no remorse and almost feel elation in having the power. All she does is fuss with me and argue then hop on top of me to cook me dinner and ask me to call in late to work…. very strange situation.

    other than Miss ER, no other woman that I have treated nice cares one bit about me. and the ones I did SBMs experiment and treated them bad and Now Miss Alaska who is just getting holy hell from me.

    People keep tellin me I need to go down south to find a wife. and my brother is in Ft Worth. I seriously like the idea of running into a Kelly Rowlands but I just like the way the metro area woman is. and I surely beg your pardon about men up north not knowing how to be men. The men down SOUTH have forgotten what it is to be men. I go on dates in slacks and a dress shirt…. these dudes go in T shirts carrying a towel saying "its hawt… oh lawd" the men are so relaxed down there they have no hustle to get the women or appeise them…. up here we still have to court the women because they are overly interdependent and so god damn mean.

  39. Hasani you are wrong again my dear friend, thugs wear white t's carrying towels…men know how to dress, what to do and what to say…without instruction

    Come on down, we could use another brother down here with that southern mentality, there are plenty of progressive women for you to sink your teeth into.

  40. HNIC, Please!! I wish a negro would come on a date with me with that foolishness!! (Unless it's a gym date or run date etc) I'd laugh so hard! See, like I said, those men are for the Buckethead's; they don't even register on my radar. Ask anyone in the south compared to the north, what courting is. It's something that, in my opinion, comes more naturally to southern men, since that's more of the norm around these parts.

    Oh, and FYI, I explicitly said no offense because my statement doesn't reflect the sentiments of all men up north or in the midwest.

    Additionally, when it comes to what one has on for a date, it should obviously reflect the environment; I would hope you have enough sense to not put on your Sunday's best or, in your words, "slacks and a dress shirt" if the environment doesn't call for it.

  41. Comeback they work for you…I think that's the sentiment Renegade and myself were making. If it's your thing then so be it…just don't bring that half stepping down this way. You gals up north wear independence on your sleeves, you carry the "anything you can do i can do better, i can do anything better than you…" mentality around with you everywhere you go. I also hear you're a bit demanding for a group of women who choose to emasculate men every chance they get. The men up there know what to expect and how to approach it because it's their environment.

    Down here we take a gentler approach to dating, we have simple and old fashioned expectations, we have courtesies that we adhere to…we're not saying that our way is better, it's just our way. So if you're from one cultural background and you want the companionship of a woman from another, then you must either adapt or keep it moving while staying in your lane.

    And uhhhh, your math is a little sketchy but i'll let you have it since I'm not in the mood to go back and forth.

  42. I dunno. I am a very strong willed person and I can admit that right now I am fairly selfish (not in terms of being a lover or anything, but just in general I am more concerned about doing me and improving me than anything else). I don't know about changing myself for someone but I would be very intrigued to meet a man who would make me want to. And maybe people don't actually change themselves for others but they change themselves because they see something in their partner that they think is beautiful and want for themselves?

    The more I think about it the more I think may be it is possible. Could this be the end of the "can't turn a hoe into a housewife/husband" line of thinking as we know it???? :0

  43. Hey Fam, I haven' t read the other comments, but here are my thoughts…

    Can you change: YES!!! You certainly can change. Sometimes it's even done unconsciously. Everyone has been in a relationship and been told by their friends that they have changed since they've been in a relationship. When you change that means you are growing and maturing in life and your relationships. Tupac said it: Change is good.

    Should you change: Well, if you know this person has your best interest in mind and they make a suggestion then yes you should. People can observe things about you that you might not notice about yourself or even acknowledge about yourself. Those the care about you only want the best so if they make a suggestion for change then yes if you can see their points then why not? The reason you may fear changing for someone is the thought of it not working out and you sitting back thinking' I made all those changes for her and it still didn't work' but in reality it did work because you grow from every situation.

    Would you change: YEP!!!I changed alot for my ex and myself and I am so glad I did. If I kept some the mindset and habits I had before I would die a lonely women with no pets. I carried alot of crazy thoughts about relationships based on my parents marriage. My ex helped me see my insanity and I made some changes. It helped our relationship and me. People sometimes get change confused with doing whatever someone tells you to do. Again if it is a postive change meaning you will GROW. There are no REAL negative effects from the change then YES do it. You know your mate and if your mind is strong enough you can make the right decisions.

    If you do change go all the way. As my friends and I say…If you are going to be a monkey be a GORILLA! Don't half ass it at all. Be sincere with your change you never know where it might lead.

    I am PROUD to say I am glad I made the changes suggested to me.

  44. First and foremost … grits are horrible and cream of wheat is that true sh*t. I just learned this weekend that cream of wheat is an up north thing (still don't believe that … but hey) … but cream of wheat (aka farinia) is just so good. Put the sugar, some cinnamon, and a little honey. DAMN! Gonna buy me some tonight.

    So … it looks like the consensus is really you should change for yourself. If someone wants change, and that change is beneficial ("baby … stop smoking crack … for me") then you should initiate the change for your personal well being.

    I think I might know what I need to do now … I just might.

  45. girl chillin at the job…well the second one…not sure how i lucked out and got a second job that requires less work than my first one…but hey it is what it is…computer access and an office is all i need to be happy.

    SBM cream of wheat is DISGUSTING!!!…give me some fish and grits with a little cheese or mustard and i'm SKRAIT!!!…good luck with your girl though…she sounds like a handful…lol.

  46. @SBM – Cream of Wheat > than all hot cereals especially grits

    We never ate grits growing up it was either cream of wheat, oatmeal, or malt-o-meal

  47. @Teacia – ugh, grits with cheese and fish that sounds nasty. I never could understand the grits and cheese or grits and fish.

  48. @SBM: I know a few people (in the south) who have such an affinity for Cream of Wheat, but to each his own. That ain't my cup of tea. Makes me wanna through up a little in the back of my mouth when I think about it. HA! But if you like it, I love it.

    @Teacia: Thanks for expounding on what I was saying (so that there would be no more confusion on the stance we take), because I hate to make general statements and apply them to the masses, or at least have people percrive that as my aim. Regardless, I LOVE southern men, something about their swagger and the way they treat women. Hm hm hm hm . . . Plus, I feel like I rarely see tall (at least 6'3") thick men up north and in the midwest. Ill be up there in a few weeks for 2 weekends, so if you know where they hang out, lemme know!

  49. @Renegade – I know malt-o-meal is nasty but growing up with my parents sometimes you ate what was there.

  50. @Renegade – I know malt-o-meal is especially compared to cream of wheat nasty but growing up with my parents sometimes they could care less what I liked and didn't like.

  51. Lol…Renegade I have NO clue where they reside…I know a couple of dudes from Jersey who are tall and thick…but with attitude for days. I like to refer to my southern men as fieldhand negroes…lol…oh how I loves me a big black fieldhand negro…can't find that in the north INTYWHERE!!…except maybe D.C. 😉

    @ Humble…fish and grits are the BOMB DIGGITY!!! Now I loves me some oatmeal but I can't get with the cream of wheat…don't know why. You just need you a nice southern girl to cook you up some proper like. Oh and you left out the grits and mustard, with fish of course…mmmm. My daughter loves cheese grits, but that's partially because her dad makes her cheese grits and eggs every morning during his shared custody year…so maybe her attachment is a little emotional as well.

  52. @Teacia – maybe one day i'll date a southern woman that can change my opinion of grits. I've never dated a woman from the south, but i've heard nothing but good things about them.

  53. "I dunno. I am a very strong willed person and I can admit that right now I am fairly selfish (not in terms of being a lover or anything, but just in general I am more concerned about doing me and improving me than anything else). "

    Shay you will find that this makes men (and for some odd reason women too, really resentful, not exactly sure why though). When your discernment becomes better, there will be some men who will say that you are emasculating, just by calling them out on their shyt.

  54. cont…

    at my age you can't pee on me and tell me its raining. You can't assert that women are programmed to cheat and men dip off (like Hasani asserted yesterday). Rationale like this goes UNCHECKED all the time. And then we wonder why we get into relationships with men who believe that the dynamic for having sex out of a relationship is DIFFERENT and JUSTIFIABLE for a man. But my reasoning is, hell he TOLD YOU. And to commence a relationship to TRY AND CHANGE what he is conditioned to believe is your just desserts.

    "Could this be the end of the “can’t turn a hoe into a housewife/husband” line of thinking as we know it???? :0"

    yes indeed…yes indeed. I think some people are so engaged with turing their frog into a prince. More so than just liking the frog.

    @ Teacia

    I really could care less what anybody thinks about me. I sleep well at night knowing that I am seeking to live my life on purpose with passion and integrity.

    "You gals up north wear independence on your sleeves, you carry the “anything you can do i can do better, i can do anything better than you…” mentality around with you everywhere you go. "

    Who told you this??? And where did you hear it from. This usually comes from a man (and sadly women too) who project things they feel uncomfortable about themselves on the women they want to date. I have NEVER heard this from a man I've been involved with. I live a good life. Some of it is about the living I make. Most of it is about God's blessing. I truely believe that when your life is right IT WORKS all around.

    I love what I do. I do it well. I'm well paid for what I do. Every single man I've ever dated knew me as just Tiffany. Women do need men. At this point in my life, I just don't need one to pay my mortgages, student loans, Jimmy Choo fund.

  55. Not sure what Malt-o-meal is … but I'm going to need you Renegade to acknowledge the greatness of the greatest hot meal known to man.

    @Teacia: There is now vomit in the back of my throught because of your talk of fish and grits.

    @Humble: Thanks for the Cream of Wheat cosign. Together … we can educate the masses.

    @Comeback: I need Hasani to cosign … but I am pretty sure you are completely butchering what he was saying yesterday, completely misinterpreting it … and making some huge point on a false premise.

    By saying that men "dip out", I think Hasani was saying that men don't cheat and are more likely to exit the situation. I have no idea how you read "dip out" to mean dip his dick or some type of cheating … but I am almost 100% sure you are completely wrong.

    And Teacia is right … women of the North and especially DC area are extremely proud of being "independent". That is one thing Hasani has had some truth about.

  56. I have truth about alot of things …. jus takes time to notice.

    By dip out im saying. Men arent going to get in a romantic relationship and fall in love, with the secretary. Its usually men just see her in a short skirt and the nice flat stomach… so you think … Hmm when she asks you if you can help her with something in the "back room." Women are more like to "cheat" as in have another relationship and draw from emotional pool. She gets turned on by the boss who has more money and power, which is usually a turn on. She tried to go on lunch with him write him emails, think about him… and essentially DATE him.

    just a theory.

  57. Tiffy: what destroys a relationship is women who think they are better and more superior than their male counterparts. What kills relationships is people in general who dont listen. When I say … cheating is wrong…. and you hear "its ok for men to cheat"

    when I say "I like Halle Berry and Monica Belucchis bodies" and you hear "black women are ugly white women are better"

    we get 35 year old single women in this age when ya'll dont listen to anyone but yourselves, and what you want to hear goes louder than what is actually spoken.

    The problem I have with the majority of the women I date is that they are always waiting for someone to do something wrong to them. so no matter how nice you want to treat them they are expecting some kind of con to drop. this is why so many women are nervous and unsetteled and un interested when they have a good man and so aroused and stimulated by a bad man. and please dont say its only young women… cuz Im not exactly a spring chicken here dating co-eds last time I checked.

  58. "And Teacia is right … women of the North and especially DC area are extremely proud of being “independent”."

    SBM that's not quite what Teacia said. Yes I am happy that everymonth I can pay all my bills. That I can buy the things that I like WITHOUT having to compromise my ability to pick decent men who don't resent women for it and make them feel bad about being astute at what they do (which again is only HIS PROJECTIONS about the way he feels about himself and his ability to make a living).

    The "emasculation" and "wearing independance on their sleeve" can happen but its not a defenitive rule in the DMV. I don't even like the word emasulation in this context. Because no one can make YOU feel less than a man unless you give them permission. Thats a cop out. As far as wearing independance on their sleeve how do you do that?? Some people resent others JUST for having nice things. I knew a woman who was a down to earth as they came and before she even opened her mouth, the AMG asserted that she was "a bit$ch". Again that's just a cheap projection. If I don't know ANYTHING about a person but the material trappings AND I make superficial judgements about them, that actually says ALOT ABOUT ME. AND WHAT I THINK ABOUT MYSELF.

    And there are MEN AND WOMEN like this. Let's call a spade a spade. No one can MAKE you feel like you don't have a penis, without your co-signature.

  59. Hasani you are on it these days…it's like someone went and hit you with the common sense stick…still a little hostile but i'm actually reading what you say and in agreeance….wow.

  60. Hasani yes you have said over and over and over, that cheating was wrong. It is not mutually exclusive to the notion that men aren't programmed to cheat. Again you assert that they are somehow pushed. Women are conditioned to cheat and its in their nature.

    You are sleeping with (as told on this blog-unless your lying) with at least 2 women at the same time (Ms. Alasaka "fy%kes my brains out". And dating countless others. I personally have NO problem with that as long as you are honest with them all. If AK thinks your in a committed relationship and the others aren't quite sure, then yeah your faking the funk…and you have done something wrong to at least one.

    (please remember what you write…even though you can't count (cause Im NOT 35) at least jot down all the jibber jabbish you say).

  61. @ComeBack – This is true. Some men feel doing things for a woman which she can do for herself is being a man or makes them feel like the Big Dog. They kinda treat women like kids. Its the same as women calling you gay if you turn down their offer forr sex or your not begging them for sex.

  62. Ive always had common sense… and I have always had basic morals.

    You have problems hearing what I say because of the frenzy that gets worked up between you all at times.

    That and my speach is dry and very borish… so it lots of people dont take the time to read and hear what I say.

    But my words havent changed, my stances havent changed, my speach hasnt changed and the msg hasnt changed.

    Side note… wheres my pic? dont use sunscreen when you go on vacation 😉

  63. oh pullease tiffy. Dont get a sense of morality on me now. You guys will use men to no ends, you will date how many other number of men but when a man sleeps with more than one woman hes all of the sudden wrong. tsk tsk

    and once again you skim and never actually hear what anyone else is saying other than yourself.

    NOBODY SAID men are pushed to put their dick in the secretary. common sense would tell you if we were talking about a primal instinct…. the weakness of ones "ID" we would be talking about something thats in their nature. you have common sense, your the most brilliant woman I know…( ok thats a lie with the women I date… but Im trying to compliment you here.) So why wont you listen and hear whats actually being said and not what you WANT TO HEAR?

    Heres a quick pointer for you tiffy. Tell me 3 things about me that we talked about in our phone conversation together. the call lasted 7:52 so it shouldnt be too hard for you to remember only 3 things…. right? my guess is you will get wrong and only have a general msg of what you thought, and not actualy what I said.

    sheesh. when miss alaska was shooting me down it was all good. She does a 180 and fucks and cooks for me everyother night and now you want to turn hostile on me? calm down. you guys arent even the same type. your a mid 30something non admitted angry black woman without a phd who hates me… Shes a mid 30something self admitted angry black woman with a phd and likes me and cooks!!……. your totally different people. Its like you get all bent out of shape at me anytime I date anyone who has similar stats to you like they actually are you.

  64. "@ComeBack – This is true. Some men feel doing things for a woman which she can do for herself is being a man or makes them feel like the Big Dog. "

    True Humble. But everything has its place and space. Women do like to be taken care of but if a woman's self-sufficient her "care" might come in different respects. I have no idea whats under the hood of my car. I really can't tell you the diffrence between v8 and a v12 in male-ese. And I appreciate the times where there are some things that as a woman, I just didn't either have the capacity or the knowledge to do.

    But I can't pretend like I'm broke. I can't pretend to have a bunch of kids. I can't pretend like I don't like what I do. I can't pretend to no like living on passion.

    And if that offends men (and sadly women too) then they can kick rocks. Cause for one or two little men (who seek to blame their lack of feel masculine on another woman) there are plenty of men I am meeting who respect and cherish what I bring to the table and potentially what we could accomplish together.

  65. "oh pullease tiffy. Dont get a sense of morality on me now. You guys will use men to no ends, you will date how many other number of men but when a man sleeps with more than one woman hes all of the sudden wrong. tsk tsk"

    What do I need to use a man for??? Its all karma for me at this point in my life. I have always maintained that my body is special and that sex is spiritual and at this point of life shared in a COMMITTMENT.

  66. @Comeback

    "But everything has its place and space. Women do like to be taken care of but if a woman’s self-sufficient her “care” might come in different respects. I have no idea whats under the hood of my car. I really can’t tell you the diffrence between v8 and a v12 in male-ese. And I appreciate the times where there are some things that as a woman, I just didn’t either have the capacity or the knowledge to do."

    I understand this and agree. It's just that I have met some women that expect men to be responsible for their whole existence.

    "But I can’t pretend like I’m broke. I can’t pretend to have a bunch of kids. I can’t pretend like I don’t like what I do. I can’t pretend to no like living on passion"

    Any body that has problems with you because you seem to have your sh*t together then they have problems. Unless you come off like an a**hole. i.e. always letting people know you enjoy your job, you have no kids, and you aren't broke even though they didn't ask.

  67. I actually enjoyed this one and read every single comment! YAY!

    And fish and grits are F*CKING AMAZING…I think I'll make some tonight

    Change is good, if someone points something out in you that needs change and will serve to make you a better person, do it..but do it for you (as I think was the concensus)

    I personally like northern men with southern tendancies. I find most northern men appreciate my southern-ness a great deal, because I, like Teacia take very good care of my men and (I'm sorry comeback) I find that the men I've dated don't get that with the women up north. I'm sure there are some good women up there, but you have no idea how many guys have been so amazed and refreshed by my southern charm. I dated a guy from NJ that went to school in VA who may as well be a southerner for the way he acts (and the fact that he LOOOVES for me to cook him grits in the mornings), he calls me regularly to tell me how wonderful I am and how the women in NJ suck, lol. I did, however, date two southern men who were well above and beyond the northern guys in manners and courting.

    Damn I want some cheese grits right now!

  68. "always letting people know you enjoy your job, you have no kids, and you aren’t broke even though they didn’t ask."

    I don't know anybody who does this!!! When I ask people how they are, they NEVER give me a financial accounting. Its usually, hey its a nice day. I just had my cup of coffee. I'm doing GREAT.

    Again people need to start doing serious soul searching, if there are people who you resent because of what they have there is something seriously wrong. I think where "independant" women fall astry is feeling aplogetic about their succcess when it comes up in romantic settings (or even with family or friends).

    I know women who FEEL bad about being accomplished. I think this is very dangerous. Because thought is powerful and you can sabotage success as well–by making excuses for it to please a man who doesn't like his lot in life.

  69. I'm just here to talk about FARINA! I love that cereal..we had it almost everyday as a kid, and yes I think it is an 'up north' thing…What's even better is if it has a few 'lumps' in it..lol

    But my all time favorite hot cereal is Wheatena ( http://mybrands.com/BrandsHome.aspx?bid=155&B… I almost died when I first moved to Maryland and couldn't find it in the grocery stores! But thankfully there are a few Shoppers Food Warehouse stores that still carry it.

    Oh, change.

    Change is good…Almost as good as Farina & Wheatena.

  70. @Comeback: You flaunt your success constantly. Humble might as well literally have been talking to you.

    @Bree: As an up North brother, I think I love southern women. I have met some (one in particular) who were … Spectacular. Loving, kind, thoughtful, and anti-emasculating. But, I have met some that pailed to the love and kindness I have felt from Jersey girls in my life. I think I'm back on the board with this one.

    @Hasani: Why are u and Comeback still talking? Why haven't you learned your lesson! She will always be jealous.

  71. I see your still a provacateur SBM…success is relative however. But again think whatever you want. And why would I be jealous of ANYBODY, much less a man. Im rather happy with my own anatonmy. no penis envy here.

  72. re: location

    Some of the best men I've ever dated were "up top". I love New Yorkers. They can be tough. They have a rather rugged exterior, but to me once you get past the "protective layering" they're good people. I dated a guy from Brooklyn and the Bronx and they were VERY nice guys. And extremely chilverous and demonstrative of their affection. There are also equally great men down south. But sometimes seedy people can come all tied up with a pretty bow to say "please" and "thank you".

    To me its just a matter of exposure. How could anyone limit who and how they date by a geo. region. It could very much be said that what you expect you get. If you expect for a NY metro guy to be an a#s he will show up in your experience.

  73. Who wants to have to fight through "protective layering"…sometimes easy is just…well better.

    And geography is definitely a factor…come on now…even retailers market certain products based on geography…the publix by my house carries tarts…I can't find that shit in the bakery on the northside where the folks live to save my life. Habits are geographic, so dating preferences can/will definitely reflect the geographic habits of those who they seek a particular preference in.

    And I have to agree with SBM…you flaunt your success and "intelligence" ALL the time…and we're complete strangers…sometimes the self-validation is nauseating. I could only imagine how small you try to make feel that you actually meet…just my opionion…I could be completely off on this one…but I doubt it.

    @Funke: What the hell is Farina…"lumps"…now that scares me a little. And Wheatena…it just sounds so off brand. What are these you speak of?!?!?!?

  74. "Who wants to have to fight through “protective layering”…"

    Everybody has one. Its called the getting to know you phase. I just related the "protective layering" on what the southern women on this board detail as just unacceptable.

    I don't need to self-validate for anyone's benefit. Its called making a defense for "independant" and "emasculating" women.

    My feelings have always been that people project. I've never been told that I'm emasculating with the exception of this blog. I mean I still slept well at night. I had a good time with my friend yesterday evening, its just telling the things we get into calling people and how that has more to do with the name caller rather than the call(ee).

    I'm fascinated because again its human condition and as a future clinician—it always seems to be very telling.

    that is all.

  75. I have to agree with Comeback. Most people are intimidated by success or someones confidence because it makes them have to take a closer look at themselves in the mirror.

  76. @fung'ke – the lumps are only good if they are cooked. I have had a few bowls with uncooked lumps. I'd rather eat malt-o-meal or grits than a bowl of cream of wheat with uncooked lumps.

  77. Hm…I would definitely have to say that sometimes you meet the person who makes you feel like you should change because they are simply amazing. Very recently I was blessed to have met someone who made me change. I had become the type who would have emasculated in a minute from my usual self. I didn't even have any emotions. Then, one day I just became sweet and docile housewife type. Even people who had known forever thought I was out of control. Like girl who are you? I have to say if men are going through similar things for the people I love then wow. Furthermore, I would say please be careful, because sometimes you will change for the wrong one and they will do nothing but take advantage of your kindness or maybe mistake it for weakness.

    As a side note, I have to say I do not flaunt my success or anything I have. I am educated, I tend to be independent and I am not asking anyone for handouts. Simply put, I think making a man feel like a man is something that's not always easy but when you accomplish it he will generally make you feel like the beautiful queen that you are…now just in case I am wondering what the feels are about a black man leaving his wife for a white woman (think Waiting to Exhale) or a black woman leaving her husband for a white man. Is this acceptable or do you have a problem with it (since most of people here seem to be educated, black and classy)…I would love to know what your opinions are….now….

    Farina over Grits? If there's a Zea's I suggest trying their corn grits with light cheese….I might need to get some right now!

  78. people are intimidated by success….. but who says success is determined by finance??????????

    Its amazing comeback says Im a piece of shit because I "date up" … and I actually see dating a 35 year old woman who has not had a serious relationship and spends more of her time buying things for herself and working as dating DOWN….

    if I was going to start a corporation I wouldnt go out and hire a porn star to run it with me.

    (HASANI… WTF are you jabbering about)

    un momento Im making my point…

    The porn star is very successful at sex and very good at sex and looks phenomenal while having sex. Well bravo for the pornstar…. but whats that doing for me running my corporation?

    A chick who is an utter fucking failure in the happy/home making department … yes I just compared it like that people… but doing well bringing herself home money…. is so dating down its not funny for a rare find of a man like myself. I find it to be dating down but then again, if a woman was REALLY great she wouldnt be in the dating pool…

    oh and let me be clear… when I say 35 yo angry black woman I AM NOT TALKING TO TIFFY gfg you act like the world revolves around you and everyones always talking to and about you… if you fit the stereotype then suks to be you… but its not you its a moniker.

  79. yall black folk killin me…. Grits with cheese? am I the only black person in america who eats right??

    are you guys also frying eggs in become grease?

    Using crisco to fry pancakes so they are extra crispy?

    Using fatback bacon because it has that great texture?

    Add molasses and cheese to grits to make it taste more yummy?

    Deep fry salmon cakes in the morning?

    I consume a packet of oatmeal wit a bottle of Myoplex milk, at 5am. dat shiz is vanilla flavored so it taste totally yummy.

    I hit the gym at 9 and usually will have egg whites and turkey bacon… not fatback bacon, and I use pam spray cuz its not messy.

    Plain grits are actually good for you. be hardcore and eat them plain like our ancestors did, dont dress it up.

    I would say yes to oatmeal before I say yes to a high carb fruit which will spike your blood sugar in the morning… use that stuff for a snack in the middle of the day yo.

    I know I cant expect many of you to be as conscious about health as I am since your all such beautiful people anyways and not a frumpy mess like myself. But just like my views on relationships and love, its just a suggestion and giving you my views in case you want to follow a few of them.

  80. HNIC/Hasani

    please again find the quote/place and location on this site or anyother where I called you a "piece of shyt." This is the second time that you have asserted the quote but have never provided any of the links. I'm calling you out…please provide them.

    I really serioulsy think you should consider talking to someone professionally. You've experienced a serious and sad loss, which is why dating nearly 40 people since last year is something you feel you need to do, while grieving I suppose. Again for you to assert that I said something about your worth and to give it the language that I NEVER EVER USE, means that you need to take a hard look at your self-esteem. Nobody ever talks about how the black man feels about himself HONESTLY and ACTUALLY. Its usually in the terms of what he views the black woman has done TO HIM or how an unrelated woman MAKES HIM FEEL. Again no one can make you FEEL like a piece of shyt, without you co-signing to that fact.

    No on to WHAT I ACTUALLY HAVE SAID OVER AND OVER to you. And it was in regards to your disdain for the establishment. Your exact words were that you "were not qualified" for the work that you do. You didn't graduate college, but you have alot of disparaging things to say about professional women.

    my exact words were "YOU CAN'T HATE AND DATE the establishment" …either love it or leave it alone. And because its obvious in the way you write and what you say about yourself, that you don't hold yourself in high regard, but yet you pursue the vary women you have a disdain for. I maintain on many levels you are "out of your lane" (my exact words.)

    untill……Ms. ER found you work making "three times" your pay. Only then did you realize that making a decent living could be just as "noble" as "the struggle" (however I find nothing noble about not living up to your potential).

    now take it how you like…God you and SBM are really well matched as friends.

  81. SO your mad cuz I am more noble than you, date more than you, more successful loving than you and make more money than you???

    who cares about money??????

    why in gods name do you get mad at me when I have a good date?

    I get happy when everyone goes on a good date… I want all yall to love and be loved, like thats the MAIN THING I am on my "soap box" about. but when I say I go on a good date you attack me. I get a job.. you attack me.

    Its like I said before… Im the type of man you actually need in your life but are afraid to have. Why? because my principles are so alien and foreign to yours. I would say we compliment eachothers weaknesses well, but I bring home more money than you now…

    so if we are doing math

    Money + nice + "nice to look at"+ Physically Fit > Lower money + cute face

  82. Ya Teacia your right… but Id like to point out once again I did not throw the first punch but … I can get rather dirty if need be.

  83. yeah, change is fantastic if you are in love……….

    I'll do whatever she wants.

    cook

    clean

    laundry…………..shit I'll carry the baby 4 9mths……and then she can bounce…..LOL.

    yeah men!

  84. @Lion: I hate to say it … but we might have a new resident simp. Damn. Right when we convert one, gotta start all over again with someone new!

    @HNIC: I tell you man … Love you like a brother!

    @Comeback: I've been an aggressor and victim since I started this site. Why can't Hasani do it too? Stop hating.

    @Teacia: You sure you sent them pics to the right address, cause I aint got nothing. If you really wanna share, I'm gonna need something wit u buck naked wit some pumps on … oh … and rock the short cut! And them french tipped nails … whew … I think I worked myself up.

    @Fly: Why are you someone else posting under another name? I know my way around a computer … and the internet. Aint take much work to figure all that out. Why don't you go ahead and "out" your alter ego so I don't.

  85. Lion I like you just the way you are…don't pay SBM no mind…he's just a little deprived these days…SBM stop hatin on the love this man brings to your wonderful blogsite…lol…damn…*sighing*…niggas.

    SBM sorry but that's a no go…lol…I gotta man and I dont think he would be too pleased.

  86. @Teacia: But what ur man gotta do with me …

    I have got to stop this blog flirting. I'm gonna f* up my situation. And she's crazy too!

  87. …see y'all back at it…

    Change is a part of life. Anyone that stays stagnant…without a curiosity or action for change…can't very well call themselves mature or really living…merely in an existence.

    World is ever changing and ever moving…so should we.

    …and we do.

    But we get stuck in this "this is who I am, except it or don't" mentality.

    It's always great to acknowledging your faults…but changing them is better. So if you want to change…change for better?…do it for you first.

    How many people KNOW that they are ready to meet their life mate? Emotionally, spiritually, mentally…we all want what we want…but have you prepared yourself for what you want?

  88. blah blah: many are not.. thats the real reason they are single. like i have said many times you cant do the shit half assed. if your sayin I aint cookin for no man… I aint givin head to no man… I aint changin fo no man..

    then you goin at it half assed. I notice its the women with issues and the women who are self centered and the angry women (usually the self centered ones) who are still left in the dating pool for me to date.

    Ive noticed even with the numbers on my side alot of women arent willing to compromise that i have come across this year. There is not much I am not open to negotiate.

    Im almost wit Brotha Lion though… ill take my son and raise him myself. she can go ahead on.

    Im quite happy wit my new Tecia pics. Im mad Renegade took down her pic though…. damn she looks ultra fine as hell.

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