Embracing Technology

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One of my good friends in the blogosphere, Comeback Girl, canceled her text messaging plan because she felt that it was ruining her dating life. In a humorous “prank” call (I call it a prank cause it was funny and ludicrous), she let the rep know that apparently men text messaging her was in violation to the classic laws of chivalry.  So … now no man (friend, family member, loved one, etc) is capable of text messaging her and the call was ended with “maybe now I can find a husband”.

*super deep soul wrenching triple sigh*

Let me start by agreeing …

I do believe that when text messaging is the sole form of communication and a person is impossible to meet in person or reach over the phone, this is bad.  Obviously she shouldn’t reserve you to nothing more than 160 character messages littered with “OMG”, “SMH”, and “LOL”.  If they really have an interest in you, this person is going to want to hear your voice, see you in person, and talk to you.

Now … here is where I “respectfully” disagree …

GROW UP AND EXCEPT CHANGE

Whew … I feel better.

Phones have not always been around.  There was a time where you could not call the person you liked.  You had to write letters, buy stamps, mail them off, and communicate that way.  If they lived locally, you just stopped by in the hopes that they were home and available.  If they were gone or busy, you took your ass back home and tried again some other time.

See Also:  Single Black Mail - Baby mama stalker drama

When the phone came around, did people say “What’s this bullsh*t!  If he likes me … he wouldn’t call me … he would show up at my house and leave me a note.  I don’t play this ‘technology’ thing.  I want chivalry!”?

I hope not … cause it sounded stupid just typing it.

As we move forward in time … there are new forms of communication.  We hold on to older ones for their purposes, but we embrace and utilize the new ones.  Just because there is email … we didn’t give up on the postal system.  Just because there are cars don’t mean we have to walk 10 miles to show a person we love them.  Most of these new things allow us greater access to the people we love and care about.

When I’m in a meeting and can’t call the love of my life, but I see a missed call from her … a simple “I’m in a meeting text” is better than the no response she would get before. Kinda shows I care enough for her not to worry.

I actually dated someone with no cell phone period.  It was horrible.  I couldn’t catch them on their way to or from work.  There was no “I miss you” texts during the day and as soon as the time of our jobs shifted … communication became near impossible.

See Also:  Dating the Damaged Girl

If killing texts is going to get someone a husband/wife … then all of us that are single and searching should cancel our cell phones and just have a house phone, disable all of our email accounts, give up on IM, and no fax machines either.  Since the person will have to make sure that they call you at the exact 4 hours a day you are at home … then they must love you! (Or your cheating on them and don’t want to give them easy access).

Please … everybody who buys into this … lets cut the bullsh*t.  Embrace the great things technology has brought us … just ensure their not misused and abused. Stop making these crazy demands under some archaic principles. The problem isn’t the text messages … the problem is the person who is sending you nothing but them.  Attack the problem at its core.   Life will be better …

Text messages has not and will never kill romance … people who don’t care kill romance!

Comment(129)

  1. Feminism killed romance… not sex tex msg.

    for the 4902384023th time. Chilvary is a code of laws used by nights during those old war times. chilvary has nothing to do with women. I mean… seriously… a female knight would be a dame… now is she supposed to pay for all women on the first date and buy them pocketbooks for head she dosent want?

    Women no longer have the addoration for men that they used to have. Men went from something you freamed about would scoop you off your feet and rescue you from your parents house….. to something you make a laundry list of things he better have and better do just for you to speak with him…. theres alot of sistas on the blog with this mentality by the way.

    Lets face it, a man women actually liked.. texting them would not be a problem. What happens is there are less men women actually like now… so when that man that they "let worship" them or is a "FAB" sends them a text, it is regarded as annoying , petty, bothersome, "hes smothering me", "he's too clingy", its not romantic" yadda yadda yadda.

    By the way, I sent 555 text and recieved 492 text msgs in the past 7 days.

  2. OH and before I forget, Texting is a perfect invention for young brothas to keep tab on "
    booty we arent currently using"
    Im not gonna demean myself to call and bother some chick who dosent give a crap about me…. aka not giving me any play. but its not shameful and no sweat off my back to send her a text when I am thinkin about that ass……. or while waiting for mission 17 to load up on Grand theft Auto. There are a few women who I have not had a "break up" with but arent exactly beating down my door to see me. Sending them text keeps you in their mind until they are ready to see you… but a phone call may be bothersome or awkward because of how little you have spoken or how busy she has been. Remember my brothas dating and sex are about respect. if she views you as a non asset then she will disregard you and not cook for you.

    For a reference… I went 3 months without a phonecall or seeing miss Alaska. I however still sent her an occasional text. She eventually came around and saw the light but had I just decided not to keep any contact at all I would not be getting myself western omelet, banana creps, chicken marsala and all other types of delicious vittles sista makes for me now.

    just food for thought.

  3. I agree with you SBM. As long as texting isn't the only form of communication, I am fine with it. My prospectives know I keep a busy schedule, so a lot of times they text, especially before calling to make sure I am available to talk. However, I can't stand the long 4 part messages..if you have that much to say..then you should just call. I have a feeling I mentioned this in a previous post.

  4. Text msg'ing is the form of communication me and my BF really use 90% of the time that we're not together. A lot of times it's because we're at work or someplace that other people are in close proximity to hearing our usually private conversation… so we text instead. Plus, my BF mumbles A LOT when he talks on the phone so I get frustrated because I cant always understand him and get tired of saying "What?" all the time. Text messaging has made my life easier! Thanks t-mobile for my unlimited plan! lol

  5. SBM: I totally agree.

    It makes absolutely no sense to me why anyone in life would try to call me at home. I am only there to shower, eat, sleep and one or two other things. And when you examine that list you will find that not all these things have to be done in my personal home. I do agree that text messaging should never be the only form of communication, but I am realizing that men and women today are increasingly busier and busier so if a text message is all you can get then at least you know they were thinking about you-especially if it's regular texting when one or the both of you is @ work, etc.

  6. Well while this post of mine (thanks SBM for the shout out) was partly in jest. I do ALSO suffer from device/application fatigue. I've written before that I have 6 telephone numbers and 5 devices. Actually I got fed x'd Friday a 6th. I also didn't mention to the rep that I helped launch the tdma's/ short message center back in the 90s (when I was just a baby) for a company that ATT bought in 2002. (toot)

    So I do embrace technology..I help implement the shyt everyday. And of course you all are going to think its the best thing since slice bread becauase text/data is a KILLER AP. Companies don't rely on voice services to make their money…its this stuff. They need you to believe in it.

    I just wish men would stop abusing it and women would stop letting them.

  7. What kills the text message is when you have passive aggressive men/women who soley rely on it to convey their feelings and emotions that they feel they can't either say over the phone or in person.

  8. I hate texts, but since i got a BB ive been in the business of texting more often. most times its during work when i dont want my coworkers all in my shit. but i do think that texting has reinvented the bootycall error. its no longer a booty call. a booty text maybe? BT? booty message? BM?

    now i hate these booty messages. it just gives men another mode to spit some wack ass game. and i am all about the creativity. it also allows them to send out a mass text at 1:30am and shoot the dice about who/how many will respond.

    now the texts that say "hey how was your day" that arent followed up by a phone call are disgenuine to me. if you really wanted to know more besides a "good" or "it sucked" you would call.

    but then texts lessen the feeling of rejection because you cant interpret tone or intent via text.

  9. I have no problem with texting. The problem I have is I can't block some people from texting me. It is a new and efficient way of communicating. Well, I should say new because people have been doing it for about ten years. The problem I do see is that some people are using texting and cell phones as a way to keep from being by themselves.

  10. Given the fact that my cell phone is old as dirt (read: 8 months) It doesn't have those new fancy key pads to type super fast, so that it doesn't take me 10 minutes to say "idk what u mean text me back retard" Therefore I shun texting unless its to say, have a good day or come over my house and lick my………… oh

    never mind im way off…

    me and mom was at the festival a few years back and they had this text message foot game to see how fast you can text with your feet, the woman beat me by like 40 words per minute or something and i find it very disturbing that my mother is better at text messaging than me.

  11. With text messaging (and especially with email), you lose the context/emphasis/meaning of the actual message. It is always good practice (when possible) to speak with the person directly-whether it be handling business or personal relationships.

    -After Hours

  12. "now i hate these booty messages. it just gives men another mode to spit some wack ass game. and i am all about the creativity. it also allows them to send out a mass text at 1:30am and shoot the dice about who/how many will respond."

    Oh my God I never thought about this…MASS booty messages. I bet some women would slow their role if they knew they were apart of some type of cheap azz auction.

  13. I love texting… and in the words of the 'Boondocks'.. I be texting my ass off!

    Texting..email..and cell phones make my life easier. I can do a combination of comunication.

    I text about 75% of my communications. My voice is valuable. So IF you hear my voice, you should feel special. Any woman that I deal with understands that. If texting doesn't work for a woman… we're probably not a good fit.

    Oh Yeah…I'm glad they invented cars… I'm not sure I could pimp my horse with 22's…lol

  14. lmao at your "super deep soul wrenching triple sigh".

    this is a good post and I think we women just have a tendency to look at everything except for the REAL issue. tell ya friend i said good luck!

  15. "we women just have a tendency to look at everything except for the REAL issue. tell ya friend i said good luck!"

    @ unknown diva…which is??? If its compelling I'll turn the shyt back on.

  16. I dunno about blogging but texting can fuck up some ish on the seriousness, I agree with everything After Hours had to say about it.

    Blogging you can stop, turn off, sale, ect but texting is a force to be reckond with

  17. "Blogging you can stop, turn off, sale, ect but texting is a force to be reckond with.."

    …the key word there being CAN…but you have to have a desire to put other shit first…if blogging is your life then essentially you lack one.

  18. It seems that texting is more popular among women than men. I only text if I have something to say to someone and I can't make a call. Or if I need to tell more than one person the same thing. I have the occasional conversation thru text but that is not often.

  19. @Eathan: I could not agree with you more!! I don't like talking on the phone unless it's to people in my close circle. It's such a drag and a distraction. I feel much more effcient with my time when I can be on the computer checking e-mail, IM'ing, and replying to intermittent texts. As far as talking to someone, I'd prefer face to face interaction, otherwise, we will be texting!! I let any man I meet know straight up about my text addiction/habit. Text allows for sooo much versatility. I can exchange info with my girls for weekend plans via mass texts, I can see what's up with my boo without disturbing him at work AND I can put a smile on his face with a little "sex message." The possibilities are pretty much endless when it comes to this piece of technology! I love it, and like Eathan, I seriously doubt I can date a man unless he can deal with at least 49% of our communication being on text.

  20. "I could not agree with you more!! I don’t like talking on the phone unless it’s to people in my close circle"

    oh so those not in your "Circle" are good enough to have there text messages wasted but not cell phone minutes you know texting cost too!!!

    I will never understand….

    lawd help me

  21. I dunno maybe I'm caught in some type of time warp too.

    I love reading old love letters. I actually have books of letters that president's, artists, writers etc shared with their wives/love interests. Putting pen to paper is very intimate to me. In fact my next boyfriend…Im gonna suggest we write letters to each other some times. That is SO HOT to me.

    look at how trivial and cheap sending a rose in a text has become. The man isn't actually going to the store and BUYING THE FLOWERS. He's not picking out what you like. He is cheapening the experience by inserting a graphic that he didn't even design. I will say that I appreciate apple creating the open ap software where you can develop your own stuff.

    But texts AREN'T making men better men and lovers. And saddest of all, women are co-signing partly because a lack of frame of reference-many of us couldn't spell chilvary much less really know what it means. Some of our mama's and daddy's think its perfectly fine to pursue a man.

  22. Getting a BB or any keyboard tends to up your text game considerably. I have started texting a lot more in the last year and like someone said above it helps to keep co-workers out of your business so you aren't posted up over the phone.

    I will say that sometimes it CAN help. I have an ex who sometimes has trouble expressing things to me verbally and will text me instead what he's thinking about and in turn that helps with later phone or in person conversations.

    That being said, texting someone to ask them on a date, or breaking up via text, or asking someone to marry you or telling them that they ARE THE FATHER is generally not the wisest course of action.

  23. @the comeback girl

    the real issue is that we dont have to answer texts from certain people if we want more from them. we can choose to ignore texts from dudes which would cause them to either call us or stop texting. if they call and things go further, then great. if they stop texting and refuse to call then f*** them! that can be one way to separate the ones who are really interested from the others.

    you said it yourself "I just wish men would stop abusing it and women would stop letting them."

    ps: i'm not tryna tryna be judgemental or anything like that

  24. "or asking someone to marry you or telling them that they ARE THE FATHER is generally not the wisest course of action"

    I pray to the heavens that you don't actually know any one who as experienced this type of shenanagins

  25. Hell has officially frozen over… no… im not going to agree with comeback on something that would be the end of the world.

    But I just got picked up by a HBW (happy black woman) at the GYM

    thats the 2nd sista Ive seen in the gym a month! Asked me for my number and everything….

    Now heres how I am going to tie this into the blog post. I said I will never say no to a date if "asked" and I totally believe in being friendly. So I asked her if I can text her and she told me she hates texting its not very endearing!!! How the hell does a woman take 15 minutes to ask a man she just met for his number (very bold and modern move by the way) but then be so out of touch that she would rather me send her a love letter than a text msg??

    Id give her a snowballs chance in a firestorm of actually "catching" me but the whole "NO you cant text msg me… call me" thing was rather odd seeing as how its the blog topic of the day.

  26. "the real issue is that we dont have to answer texts from certain people if we want more from them. "

    I agree…But in the beginning every guy is in the unknown territory. I don't know if I want more from a man who hasn't proven that he can make me feel "chivalrized" and special. I'm actually doing guys a favor.

    I'm leveling the playing field if you will. Hopefully by not responding to what I never saw, some will get the message and CALL (and I won;t be prejudiced by their attempts to court me via text), others will kick rocks.

  27. @HNIC

    In my book the HBW you just met is already starting out right by being in the gym and approaching you. She gets mad points just off of that.

  28. comeback

    Texting isnt making men better lovers… but neither is women staying single unless men make a certain amount of $.

    theres alot of shit that we are doing in our current black middle class culture thats destroying our god given affinity at being compassionate loving folk.

    "Buy me a purse of I wont suck your dick"… isnt exactly pulling my heart strings either ya know.

    like the current concept of "romance" in our community is "things a nigga can do for me to let me brag to my friends about" and not how well you feel together.

    Black love flat out SUCKS now compared to what it used to be. we need to work on it and get it back to where it used to be……….. or at least to how good we all are in the bedroom 😉

  29. @Mikki: Unlimited texting only costs me $10 total a month for BOTH of my cell phones. YEAH, I KNOW; I GOT A STEAL OF A DEAL!!! If it were not for my sidekick and blackberry, I don't know what I would do.

    I just checked my sidekick, and since July 17th, I have used 5044 texts . . . My bill closes on the 16th, so I'll probably end the month somewhere around 5700.

  30. Renegade: Could you throw a few of those text my way (Insert cheezy wink here)

    Humble…
    Bro I wanted to CRY in happiness just at that alone. everytime I think the world if filled with omorosa's I get surprised. I go to the gym 8-9 times a week both before and after work on some days… and I never see a sista there. and the few times I thought I did, they were african.

    This gal was all smiles and pretty doofy actually. and actually out at the gym!!!!
    makes me happy… makes me proud!
    but the "no I wont let you text me" type mentality threw me off a bit though… like seriously.. whats up wit THAT?

    A woman would get further with me telling me she wont let me hit it ever, than a woman who tells me I cant text her at all. Im a pretty chatty guy I need to text 0_o!!

  31. "“Buy me a purse of [sic] I wont suck your dyck”… "

    who says this???? I've never implied or stated such. I don't think women who are taking bold moves by deleting text features on their wireless accounts (who are able to practice some restraint to get the treatment they deserve) are going around slobbin knobs for burberry.

  32. ok…I wanna read all the comments but I can't right now 😉 Looks like a great convo though…

    See you all tonight!

  33. once again my beautiful haired nemesis…. you dont encompass all black women and was making a general blanket statment and not one directed towards you 🙂

    I think you can go back a few blog post and see the sex/head for gifts comments by a few posters.

    and I will reiterate again… holding back on sex/ showing "restraint" dosent bring older black men to "respect" you more. just like not allowing a black man to send you text means he will respect you more either.

    in both cases… they just gonna go after a less difficult woman who is equally as attractive.

    remember, black men are like a mountain stream.

  34. 5700 text messages???

    once again *flava flav voice*

    woooooooooooooow

    my plan is at 400 text a month and I am aye ok with it, once 399 hits, good luck on trying to get through better pick up a phone and hope your in my fav 5

  35. "do they partner long term with them too???"

    im guessing the answer would be yes because they are "less difficult" (key word)

    I mean I personally don't hope My man chooses to put a ring on my finger because I am the queen of bitch, isnt that why so many black men date………

    never mind

    n e ways to be proactive and "cut" the texting plan worked for her, i think we all have our methods of way to get the message across that I DONT APPRECIATE WTF U R DOING. I feel like how ever you can relay that message go for it, if texting to much makes you uncomfortable then simply turn it off, no need to argue with a person about why you dont want them texting and yada yada yaha.

    I guess i just like to hear peoples voice….

  36. HI my name is Jolie Fatale and I am a passive aggressive texter! i say everything I cant say on the phone or in real life or just dont care to say via email, text, messenger… I know its wrong ..but I do it..

    And I agree.. if you really wanna talk to the person you pick up the phone. I also send texts to say "are you busy?" so that I dont call and the person doesnt answer or tells me their busy.

    I just wrote all that and I sound crazy.. carry on SBM.net

  37. and comeback you gotta stop saying "most women" about everything lol. Apparently "MOST" are not willing to join you in the crusade of better treatment by men or chilvalrization. What you are willing to accept is not the same thing as what another woman will. apparently there are many females that are perfectly cool with texting people (read 5700 text in a month) opening their own doors, making the first move, making the first call scrubbing sucking and fucking and the list goes on………

    . now maybe you have a problem with the break down of how much of 5700 text came from tim, tom, joe, allen, ricky and so forth, that at some point you say damn this is enough. But maybe Kelly, anna, and tracy have conformed to using text in the same manor with EVERYONE that it makes the point seem so minuscule to them.

    But really I am on your side, texting is for the birds……….

  38. I have had full out arguments, confessed my love to my ex, told someone to buzz the F off, sent out b-day wishes, etc, etc, etc. Text is soooo versatile and, most importantly, gets'er done with just a few key strokes!!

    On another note, have ya'll heard the new TI song?? I LOVE IT!! Check it out!

    http://theybf.com/page/4/

  39. "and comeback you gotta stop saying “most women” about everything lol. Apparently “MOST” are not willing to join you in the crusade of better treatment by men or chilvalrization."

    Ok Mikki has a point ***taking out my clipboard*** who wants to join me on this caravan 4 chilvary…

    anyone?? anyone??

  40. lmao comeback you gonna need a shit load of signatures!!!!

    I will sign up first!

    wait let me read what i am signing first, yall know what happen the last time we signed a clipboard without reading the fine print.

    and yes renegade I did note READ : But maybe Kelly, anna, and tracy have conformed to using text in the same manor with EVERYONE that it makes the point seem so minuscule to them.

    ie friends, fam, mommie daddie brother sista cousin…..

    why are those the lyrics to lil wayne….

  41. Before we get off into signing off on things comeback maybe you should make a list of whats ok and whats not, and let us do a poll, that way we can figure out if its just "us" that needs to get with the times or "them", that needs to make a correction.

    *woman poll only*

    and you can't be bias with the list you gotta include everything thats been seen done heard of etc…..

  42. Sign me up! Ain't nothing like a man who is mannerable and chivalrous! I remember I went on a date with a guy who was all of the above, and it really shocked me. So much that I had to TEXT like 3 of my homegirls DURING the date.

    Question: Is it rude of me to just wait by the door for my date to open it up? Or since I reached the door before him, should I just open it myself?

  43. @renegade: wait for him to open it. I dont think its rude to wait. Its rude for him not to open it and he should let you walk in front of him not behind him.. so you will always be at the door first.

    Men who are chivalrous get 2nd dates even if I'm not attracted to them physically. Something about being a gentleman and loving their mama that makes me melt for the ones that arent ideally MY TYPE.

  44. I say 1st date 2nd date "wait"

    boyfriend, boo, homie luva friend get it cha damn self….

    but extra points to the one who still opens doors after we scrubbin suckin and fuckin cuz thats just so sweet (but so not required)

  45. @ HNIC DEFINITELY helps you keep tabs lol. Nothing like that "Hey gorgeous, how have you been?" To get a conversation randomly started! Heck if you're lucky, it might even transition into a nice little date or "neither one of us has had it in a while" sexual escapade.

    Its funny to see you all discussing door opening now, my mom sort of had me trained as a youth to just do it, period. I remember walking into buildings and even if she was 20 ft ahead, she would pause at the door and wait for us to arrive. Period. Eventually we turned it into a running joke to arrive at the door and wait right there alone with her and act as though nothing is off or awkward. Well until she punched us (me or my little brother) in the arm or slapped us in the back of the head. Needless to say, she got the point across.

    Its actually been one of the things that has endeared me to the female populace at my law school. They are usually all smiles when I walk up behind them with a "unh unh, don't you touch that door!" Southern boy on the East Coast = gold mine.

  46. While there is nothing wrong with text messaging or technology because it makes things convenient, quick and easy. But when it comes to a relationship I think we are replacing the required tenet of healthy communication with a quick easy fix of technology. This sometimes contributes to a relationships loss of spontaneity and fun.

    I mean I appreciate your text and all but it feels so much nicer to hear how you feel about me instead of simply reading some quirky shortened way of how you feel.

  47. Oh @ Mikki, I disagree, let homeboy get the door, even if you are an "item", why in tarnation would you expect less out of him when you are together. I think this is part of the reason why relationships be fucking up. If I was looking like a million bucks and doing a million things to "get you", I should continue to put forth the SAME amount, if not more effort to keep you, even if we are as you so eloquently put it "suckin and fuckin"

    Besides, no one is donating a SPLEEN every time they open a door, its relatively effortless and something you'd likely have to do if that person wasn't around. Women with that mentality made it easy for me to be the old me…*sigh*

  48. @ Renegade – I love YBF!

    My contribution to the list:

    Do NOT forward me jokes, chain texts, or anything of the sort with the threat that my ear will fall off the next time the phone rings if I don't forward it.

    Do NOT text me after I've told you that I have a boyfriend AND that my job is tracking my text messages with the following: "Wut u got on? Thinkin of dat thing."

    Do NOT text me and ask me if I miss you and THEN call when I don't respond within 5 mins. Why didn't you just call the first time?

    I in turn, will NOT:

    Text valuable "words of wisdom" or "nuggets of inspiration" when I am drunk off my @#$ and sign them "God is love, Daisy Run."

  49. Junior I actually agree with you my friend you should do it ALL THE TIME but trust me I am not going to hold you too it after years of progression of womans lib trust me I can get it myself on occation but I am not going to get mad at you for no doing something so trivial that you should do FOREVER and always

    meaning its not my deal breaker

    now if you bring me flowers every day then tomorrow u send me a text "flower" , imma say wtf!!!

    lol

  50. I don't think she's YBF. But she mentioned it and It's my fave (wayyyy better than mediatakeout) so I thought I'd share the excitement.

  51. Girl, don't be shame. I love the way Natasha breaks it down and I really miss her e-magazine she used to have.

    When I first opened that pic I thought "that wonderful lady looks JUST LIKE Beyonce." Who knew?

    ** Sorry about that guys, back on topic now :o)

  52. See I wasn't around when the emag was out. and yes i will be at meijer trying to compair the box to the beyonce picture lol…

    Ok back to topic, I seriously think we just broke a rule!!! SBM please dont band me i just got back 3 days ago!

  53. “Buy me a purse of [sic] I wont suck your dyck”

    Comeback he was referring to something I said in a previous post…athough this wasn't actually what I said, nor did I refer to a purse, nor was I talking about some random guy, nor was it the message I was conveying…but we all know that he takes what he wants and conveys it in the manner in which he likes…and we all know why…well at least I do and I'll leave it at that.

    Hasani I suggest you do the same from this point on.

  54. "I mean I appreciate your text and all but it feels so much nicer to hear how you feel about me instead of simply reading some quirky shortened way of how you feel"

    I agree..use your MOUTH.

    actually i would prefer to see you over all else. but Im hoping the caravan picks up some steam.

  55. I had a friend try and have a 40 minute text convo!

    I can't do 40 minutes of typing on a tiny hand held.

    ETA: I can do chat or email, but 40 minutes of text is a no-go. My fave is talking face to face.

  56. "Disclaimer: Some of my most freakiest conversations have happened over text msg. "

    please break those down Ms Freckles after hours if you can….I've never gotten hot over what a man wrote in text…that should be reserved for a whisper in a crowded place or discretely over dinner…

  57. I use to do the chivalry thing but stopped when I ran into too many women that felt that I should do it because I am a man. If someone is going out of their way to be chivalrous in this day and age you should show your appreciation in some way. I got tired of opening doors, pulling out chairs, etc for a mofo that felt that men were put here to service them.

  58. I'm typing my response before reading any of the other comments.

    There should be some texting etiquette. If you just met someone, texting should be out. What a few of us have discovered, guys who text all the time (when first meeting them) instead of calling are hiding something–usually another woman.

    Texting is fine if you're in a meeting or at the store or sending a quick text late at night to ask the other person "are you still up?"

  59. So this is my 2nd time on the site and surprise surprise a topic I actually have somethng to say about:

    Ok I dont think texting should be abandoned. I think that if you have a blackberry like myself it is easier to stay in touch with people whether it be gchat, bb messenger, email or text messaging. I think that I can get much more across sometimes with the written word over the spoken word. Especially when it comes to feelings. However I did date someone a couple of months ago who started hating communicating with me via text. He said that most of the communication was RBTBC'd (Ruined by Text Based Communication) every argument we ever had while dating started over a written message but it was mostly my interpretation of what he was trying to say. His written word just came off so cold! So I guess I am on the fence but I do like communicating about 75% of the time via text. I even convince my friends to get blackberries so that I dont have to talk on the phone anymore..

    (Yay! Just popped my commenting cherry on this site)

  60. "I use to do the chivalry thing but stopped when I ran into too many women that felt that I should do it because I am a man. If someone is going out of their way to be chivalrous in this day and age you should show your appreciation in some way. I got tired of opening doors, pulling out chairs, etc for a mofo that felt that men were put here to service them."

    Humble…first of all a lot of this is common courtesy too. Opening a door? I hate to see how some men would act if there was an older lady who needed help and she was coming in behind you -into a building. or a woman carrying lots of bags.

    Too me don't do the chilvary if you're already coming at it from "mofos think I'm their servant". You're looking for a buddy at that point. If I'm a man's woman????? it shouldn't even be a question about, should I or should I not hold her door.

    And it isn't a big production like TAADAAAA….I am opening your door. let me step to the side. No its a real quick thing open. I may swing in under his arm. And we're in…2 seconds. Not brain surgery.

    @ Shelia I agree. Text in the beginning is a huge no no. He$ll if after 48 hours AFTER I gave you my number you don't call to make a date…I already know that its not gonna work.

  61. "What kills the text message is when you have passive aggressive men/women who soley rely on it to convey their feelings and emotions that they feel they can’t either say over the phone or in person."

    Text messaging takes the emotion out of it or will add fuel to the flames.

  62. @Comeback

    "I hate to see how some men would act if there was an older lady who needed help and she was coming in behind you -into a building. or a woman carrying lots of bags."

    Is this chivalry? If it is I am guilty of still being chivalrous. Women with kids or pregnant – I hold the door open give up my seat etc. The elderly – hold the door open, help with bags, give up my seat etc. I thought this was being respectful, mannerable, and thinking of others. I am not understanding what your definition of chivalry is.

    "Too me don’t do the chilvary if you’re already coming at it from “mofos think I’m their servant”. You’re looking for a buddy at that point. If I’m a man’s woman????? if shouldn’t even be a question about, should I or should I not hold her door."

    If you are my woman I understand. But if you just met or just started dating I don't understand why a man should go out of his way to do these things. I would do these things once I get to know you and you carry yourself in a way that makes me want to treat you that way. I use to do all those little things and what I realized was that a lot of women that I dealt with took it for granted. When somebody tells you that you are not a man because you wont take off your shirt to keep them warm you have a different view of chivalry.

  63. there are certain situations where texting is appropriate.

    getting to know and making date plans with someone you just met? inappropriate.

    pushing back the time you and your gf were supposed to go to dinner? appropriate

    breaking up? inappropriate

    booty calls? appropriate

    its not about chivalry (or lack thereof) as much as it's about familiarity and situations.

  64. Texting is also good when you have to communicate with someone you don't want to talk to. I find it easier to just give quick messages than having to hear their voice.

  65. @ Comeback, I agree with you on the entire Chivalry argument. I'm getting REAL tired of men doing what they're supposed to do (i.e. opening doors, helping with bags, seats, etc) and expecting women to turn flips and get excited!

  66. @Humble: In reference to 74, PREACH! I see it on here all the time … women who think men are put here to serve and make them happy. They treat chivalry as this one way street that just ends with me spending all day making them happy as they just chill, accept it, and don't recipricate. One reason I deaded it for 85% of women I encounter.

    @Comeback & Mikki: There will be no petition started on MY SITE! I killed chivalry here a long time ago …

    https://www.singleblackmale.org/2008/02/27/chivalr

  67. @ SBM – it's so sad that you guys are treating chivalry as some treat. It's like for ya'll it's the equivalent to a woman's cookie. If we behave properly then we can get it. Well who decides when we're "behaving properly?" And wasn't chivalry instated to win us over? I mean really. That's just plain lazy and prolly why most of ya'll are sitting here texting asking for dates instead of calling.

    I'm so happy that my baby was chivalrous from the begining. It's one of the things that got me and is keeping me. Oh and don't get me wrong, he knows he's appreciated and I make sure to return the favor by doing what it takes/what he needs (meals, strategically hidden love notes, lingerie) to keep him happy.

    Am I the only one who feels that "old fashioned" romances outlasted present day ones for a reason?!?

  68. Why is it every day of my life I hear women talking about "a man better do this", or "he HAS to be doing that", or some other request. Some are basic and go without saying, but it just gets annoying, paints ya'll as the demanding b_____s that are just unsatisfied with life.

    I just don't hear guys doing this anywhere near as often. We don't spend all day complaining about these bucket heads and what they need to be doing for us.

    Uh … makes me sick to my ulcer!

  69. @ Shelia-Sometimes its fun. But it sure aint when it breaks.

    @ Humble..I can't really buy the whole..I'll chilvarize yo azz when we get "there". If its a big deal now in courtship then its a big deal in a relationship. The ole bait in switch thing.

    @ Champ..you were doing really good, until you threw the booty call in there. I learned above here that men are now sending out mass booty call auction-texts..like that show on pbs "how much is [it] worth"?

    @ Daisy…"I agree with you on the entire Chivalry argument. I’m getting REAL tired of men doing what they’re supposed to do and expecting women to turn flips and get excited!" I think its the present market place. If more women called bullshyt on this stuff consistantly it would be different. But There are some women who will take a booty text, try to make him her man, and then consult her posse on how to make him call and date her before the sun sets.

    …you show men how to treat you. and they take your cue every time.

  70. @ SBM You bring up a good point – Why are women more "demanding" than men? Is it because men are supposed to be the providers and women want to ensure that we'll be well take care of? Is it the man to women ratio? Our genetic/emotional make-up?

    Maybe you should make this your post for tomorrow. I'm sure everyone here has a lot to say on the topic.

  71. LOL TheComebackGirl–yeah when something broke, everybody would be scrambling. Usually it would be because someone forgot to input the right code or something…but it would take hours and headaches to discover it.

    Daisy you're not the only one.

  72. "There will be no petition started on MY SITE! I killed chivalry here a long time ago"

    too late…we already got a meeting in the tree house.

    "Why is it every day of my life I hear women talking about “a man better do this”, or “he HAS to be doing that”, or some other request. Some are basic and go without saying, but it just gets annoying, paints ya’ll as the demanding b_____s that are just unsatisfied with life.

    I just don’t hear guys doing this anywhere near as often. We don’t spend all day complaining about these bucket heads and what they need to be doing for us.

    Uh … makes me sick to my ulcer!"

    @ SBM not ALL men think like you. I hate to even get into these discussions, because there are some men who get it. You don't even have to go into a long drawn out discussion. I find the one's you have to convince "you are special" usually want to compete with your specialness.

    please stop it TODAY…When a woman is happy, you don't have to worry about "getting yours" because its already "got". But you playing putt putt on an 18 hole course. And there's nothing wrong with that. Just don't pretend like your bringing your full arsenal of drivers to your granny's back yard.

  73. @Daisy: My argument with chivalry has always been that women killed it. While everyonce in awhile you find that provider type in females, too often you have the "dick swinging", "I can do it better by myself", and the "what do you mean you want me to cook for you" type of women who isn't doing sh*t but still demands the world from her man.

    Its those scantankerous individuals that have me willing to give up chivalry altogether. Nothing irks me more than being nice, caring, loving, and providing for these rotten b*tches (not saying all women are b*tches, just the percentage that actually qualifies as such).

  74. "and providing for these rotten b*tches (not saying all women are b*tches, just the percentage that actually qualifies as such)."

    No you didn't!!!!!

    um ***SBM's GIRLFRIEND*** you read this ….come get your man please.

  75. @SBM – Thanks for the cosign. We need more men on our team.

    Who are you to expect all this treatment from another human being just because you exist?

    " They treat chivalry as this one way street that just ends with me spending all day making them happy as they just chill, accept it, and don’t recipricate. One reason I deaded it for 85% of women I encounter."

    Exactly, you do all of that stuff and you are suppose to be happy to do it. And what is crazy is that if some of them try to show their appreciation for it the give you some B.S. gift that took no effort.

    Man I wish I found this site when you had this as the topic for the day. I read about half of the topics and was in disbelief.

  76. Chilvary is a code of conduct used by knights during wartimes.

    Here… let me school you… and you tell me if you REALLY want things this way.

    According to the old code, I can sleep with you if I make more money than you….. its not illegal for me to take it either if I am above your station… rape.. whats that? SO with my 1,700 a week, I have a virtual HAREM of this entire blog… INCLUDING COMEBACK.

    Holding the door:

    Wanna know why you hold the door? Because doors are made of 75lbs oak, and your walking behind me.

    Women cant move 75lbs oak reinforced doors and women arent allowed to walk next to me…. I am a MAN, women arent allowed to speak when men are speaking, especially when a Knight is speaking or addressing another Noble. Women are to follow behind while the men talk and the knight should hold the door so the woman is not squashed.

    Women also go first because they are les valuable than the man should an enemy be uncivilized enough to ambush without making his intentions known first……. I hear women can take pain better than men anyways.. go ahead and catch that bullet for me gurl!

    Pay for the first date.

    Women arent allowed to have regular jobs and dont earn as much as men. No woman of non station has the right to earn more than any lord of the land or else she shal be taxed or have to tithe. So comeback, since I was earning $15/hr a few weeks ago…. Ill take half of your 150k and spread it around to the other men on this blog.

    I pay for the first date….. but when I marry you not only will you rfather be paying for the entire wedding. Your father also owed me a dowry. A dowry is worth as much as the daughter you are burdening the man with…. and some of you women would be quite a burden. I think 50k will do it.

    oh and your not allowed to be fat. That will never do. Your waist shal be bonded by a corset.

    yeah I can keep going… cuz Im a King arthur/ DUngeons and Dragons geek…. but I think you guys get the point. Chivalry is NOT what you keep claiming it is…. and this country has NEVER had nobility… its a democracy not a monarchy.

  77. @SBM – cosign all of 91 except for the comment about the "dick swinging women" If they feel they can do it and don't need me good. That's less work for me.

    @Comeback and Daisy – So a man is suppose to be chivalrous, treat you like a queen from the beginning. And after all the hard work, after going out of my way to please you, maybe just maybe you will give me the chance to be in a relationship with you? Are you serious?

  78. You bring up a good point – Why are women more “demanding” than men? Is it because men are supposed to be the providers and women want to ensure that we’ll be well take care of? Is it the man to women ratio? Our genetic/emotional make-up?

    can I be a real niga for a sec?
    Im Tall
    Im good looking
    I currently bring home more money than the average bear
    I have no kids
    Im not in jail
    I am quite in shape
    I have all my teeth
    I speak very well
    and heres the kicker…… I actually WANT to settle down with you and I already have 10 years experience

    Chivalry is optional to me now….. because theres only ONE me for every 11 sistas women of comebacks "pedigree"

    now im not sayin I go out here and treat every woman like dirt.. because anyone who knows me knows thats the exact opposite, Im quite a sucker. But of late, I am beginning to notice my worth when I am seeing less and less men out here in the 30somethings……. and more and more women accept my dates, most of the time just by stats and face alone.

    Do you really want to start that provider BS again? because I could claim women are supposed to be the nurturer and keep you broke, barefoot pregnant and doing my laundry for the rest of your life…..

    Lets just look at it as supply and demand.
    If you act like your supposed to be better than me, and I need to supplicate for your affections, you need to check the market. I (my type) am actually in higher demand…. VERY much high demand.

    You may be a Mercedes, but someone else is selling a Jag coupe, A saab LX, and a BMW for the same price.
    think about it.

  79. Humble_one, I know you were addressing Comeback and Daisy with the statement "…So a man is suppose to be chivalrous, treat you like a queen from the beginning…"

    Treat a woman with respect from day one unless otherwise she (not some random chick or a woman from your past) but she does something to disrespect you. It's best not to take out ones frustrations of what somebody else did to you on the next person (not speaking about you, but using the word "you" in general).

  80. "You may be a Mercedes, but someone else is selling a Jag coupe, A saab LX, and a BMW for the same price.

    think about it."

    but I get good mileage…(and like the say in the country) I've have never been rode hard and hung out dry.

    so YOU think about it.

  81. @Humble_One – I never said anything about the rate of chivalry corresponding with an opportunity for a relationship. I don't expect anything from a man that I'm not willing to give myself. So yes, open my doors and treat me like a princess because I'm going to do all I can to make sure you know you're my king! The way you treat others is a strong reflection of your character. Men who hold back portions of themselves until they feel another person deserves it are selfish and not the type of men I want to deal with.

  82. @SMB: "scantankerous" LOL!! Please consider your word jacked!! I plan on taking it and pawning it off as my own! LOL!!

    @HNIC: Obviously, there is history lesson, and latin root, and an archaic use, and possibly pronunciation to every word. But it seems that everyone on here but you understands the conotative meaning of the word. It's apparently a word that has evolved over the centuries. You make a valid point, but lets be real, we want men to treat us right, and pretty much act like they have some darn sense. It's really that simple.

  83. @Sheila – I treat women with the utmost respect wether I am talking to you or we are just friends or whatever. There is a common respect that should be given to people in general. Treating a woman with respect is different than going the extra mile for her with the hopes that she will be yours.

  84. Shelia and Daisy

    Hallelujer (with an ER)

    " Men who hold back portions of themselves until they feel another person deserves it are selfish and not the type of men I want to deal with."…yes…and this is how a lot of men are period.

    and its not like they turn off the chilvary and ON the helpfulness when out and about. How many times have I (me ANOTHER WOMAN) come to another woman's AID. Be it an older lady with car issues on the side of a road (and I don't know nothing bout fixing no car, but I can call *help like a mothaf'er.) Or somebody who just needed assistance.

    What pisses me off to no end is that men aren't really doing what they can just as citizens. So why are they gonna just turn on a dam#n chilvary button. To me it does boil down to an all around selfishness.

    its astrological too (which is why I know my sweet Cappy is out there somewhere)…

  85. @Daisy – I agree. You are speaking from the viewpoint of someone who gives. I have done exactly what you stated. One chic wouldn't go 1 mile out of the way she was traveling to get me something to eat. Another wouldn't even stop at the cleaners to get my clothes and it was in the direction she was traveling.

  86. @ Humble_One: You messing with some bogus chicks! I say just give them an "angry gorrilla" and move on. Like my grandma says, "sometimes you gotta take out the trash to get a clean house." She's from Mississippi and always has these sayings that don't quite get the point across – lol!

    @Comeback: ROFL @ Hallelujer.

  87. @Humble: Man, that's deal breaker. I'm generally a selfish person (and I know it), but when it comes to my boo, I try to throw that out the window. If those women were acting like that with you, you did the right thing and dropped them like a bad habit.

  88. Humble One, the woman does like to feel special and showing some "special" attention shouldn't hurt if this is someone you want to be in a relationship with.

    Now those women you gave in your example were selfish and I can understand why you wouldn't be that way with them and you're better off without them; however I do stand by what I said when it comes to new women. If they have not given you a reason to be less chilvaous than don't hold them accountable for what someone else did.

  89. "TheComeback Girl that’s why I pay attention to how a man treats others around him–i.e., his mama, the cashier, etc."

    …""hallelujer"… Shelia.

    i like helpful men. And again its in their language. If they are being good friends, sons, brothers, citizens and patrons of safeway etc…they are being good boyfriends too.

  90. Me and Humble have something in common. I have met too many of these same selfish, do for me, skantankerous b*thces. It's extremely soul crushing to put your all into someone and the truth of her selfish ways comes out. My (ex) gf showed me they still made good women, so she gets chivalry. The skantankerous ones … Hard dick & bubble gum.

  91. “and providing for these rotten b*tches (not saying all women are b*tches, just the percentage that actually qualifies as such).”

    No you didn’t!!!!!

    um ***SBM’s GIRLFRIEND*** you read this ….come get your man please."

    LOL! Comeback this negro is no longer my man. And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why, now does it SBM. I think text messaging can be useful but men do use it as a comfort zone to say the dumb shit that they don't have the nerve to say in person or over the phone. They don't have the guts to hear the disapproval in your voice, or the contemplation. Men who use text message, email, blogging, and everything else as a ploy to communicate with women in a manner in which they are incapable of doing via real world conversation…well they are PUSSIES. Plain and simple.

    And this was not directed to my beloved ex SBM, he was very capable of communicating the things he needed to say in person. These are just my observations of the other men I have dealt with, as well as the real world cowards that I witness on this site.

    "The skantankerous ones … Hard dick & bubble gum."

    SBM, now that was actually funny! LMAO!

  92. LMAO! Yall are all too funny!

    SBM you mean to tell me that all I needed to be was skantankerous and I could have gotten the dick AND bubble gum…man was I slipping or what?!?!?!?

  93. @Mr. Slish-That sounds extra good to me…had to address that first.

    @Teacia-Girl, my momma always says you can't buy dick and bubble gum, but I tell you what if all I have to do is be a bitch and they give it to me, I believe I was slipping too.

    Now, overall I agree with men here and women here. I think some women do warrant chivalry off the bat simple because they are good women and at some point in time they have likely proved to you what a good woman they are (hey I'm trusting here). Furthermore, I am never more disgusted when I see a woman who is more ignorant than that Lord should allow being treated like a total princess. WTF? She stole money out of your wallet, won't cook, won't clean and your ass is running behind her like gold is dripping out of her ass. Then when a good one comes along you're more or less like man…screw this. Again, I think it's all a vicious cycle.

  94. @Comeback & Sheila

    "“TheComeback Girl that’s why I pay attention to how a man treats others around him–i.e., his mama, the cashier, etc.”

    …”"hallelujer”… Shelia.

    i like helpful men. And again its in their language. If they are being good friends, sons, brothers, citizens and patrons of safeway etc…they are being good boyfriends too."

    I did these things and my ex said I was a good person but a bad boyfriend.

  95. @Humble-If I can ask, what was her reason for thinking you were a bad boyfriend?

    **Sidenote**Hope you liked my little joke 😉

  96. "I did these things and my ex said I was a good person but a bad boyfriend."

    Ok..then sounds like maybe you weren't the right person for her. I think it goes back to Shelia's assessment too, you cant judge women based on past behavior of a select few who werent well suited.

    And…one monkey don't stop no show. There are alot of men and women walking around who have NO idea who and what they want, but they scape goat a group of "skantankerous" women. And Im sorry you keep coming up with the same TYPES of women each and every time. And to the point where it affects you like this…maybe the problem JUST isn't these skants.

    when you point one finger at someone else…I think you know the drill right ?

  97. @ Comeback – I sure do know the drill and I have looked at the type of women I am attracted to. I no longer will consider the following women in a relationship unless they thoroughly prove otherwise.

    1)spoiled women

    2)ex-girlfriends of drug dealers

    3)women who get waaaay too much attention from men

    4)daddy's little girl

    There is more but I dont feel like going in depth

  98. @Humble-I can understand why you are not attracted to these type I don't think I would be either. You have previously stated that you like the company of middle class and working girls, yet these are not working out either? I am not saying it is you, maybe your expectations of a woman are too much? I am not sure yet by my own person admittance, but I am curious why a guy as nice as yourself cannot find a woman you like? Also, is there a possibility that the reason why you have difficulty with women is that you're too nice?

    @Comeback-Where's my Dubai info?

  99. Humble has a lot of very vague criteria coupled with rather specific ones as well. I thought he ONLY liked working class women. First of all it just seems that you have "priced yourself" right out of the market.

    I have a lot of requirements but there only persuiant to what I think of me and what I am worth. I actually think that on some level, single women should be putting themselves first, they should be practicing self care. And the beforementioned is rather "selfish and self-centered" from a text book perspective. I never dated a drug dealer, but the closer you get to 30 is the likelihood that dude might have slang some pot or something when he was 16, is that woman excluded too. 3 is relative. Unless you're being accousted on the street re your woman, I would think that other men finding her appealing is appealing. But if its an issue when you are way, you could either have trust issues with her (which could be valid) or self-esteem issues with YOU (which isn;t)

    I was granddaddy's little girl. But what the hel#l would be the problem with a woman placing her father or grandfather in high regard. Again if she envisions herself being with a certain type of man (who was responsibile, a provider, a leader of his family) and if that intimidates you.

    then maybe you should play the field a little more.

    I totally appreciate men who are self-aware enough to know when they aren't ready for a committment. Thi serves you much better than placing false blame and building a wall made of standards that on the level could be GOOD things.

    If I was a man, I would desire a woman who thought highly enough of herself, that she didn't play herself small, and wasn't up under me all the ding dang time. Had her own identity and things she wanted to accomplish…whereby we could then come together and build based on our SHARED PURPOSE.

  100. @Comeback-I totally agree. While I am on my dad's side I can say he hasn't done much for me, so I desire a man who does way better than my dad has done. It does not make me emotionally needy or a golddigger, but it makes me aware enough of my history and where I've been to know I don't want to go there again. Now if I were a man I believe I would want a woman who could hold my stuff down when I was away, not too mention holding her own. And that shared purpose is indeed very important.

  101. Renegade @HNIC: Obviously, there is history lesson, and latin root, and an archaic use, and possibly pronunciation to every word. But it seems that everyone on here but you understands the conotative meaning of the word. It’s apparently a word that has evolved over the centuries. You make a valid point, but lets be real, we want men to treat us right, and pretty much act like they have some darn sense. It’s really that simple.

    A word is a word ma'am. If everyone has perverted the word dosent mean I have to abide my their acts.

    Nobody can define chilvary for a reason..

    But what is it for men to treat a woman right? why do we have to have a special creed for men to treat women a certain way but not the inverse? I am equally as viable and valuable than you are in this life, the black man is gods more beautiful creation currently. When we are talking about love… we have no equal on the planet. so if im so valuable … why am I to be held by a separate set of social laws than you are?

    How about you guys treat us alot better, and we wil continue treating you as good as us good ones already do?

    Cuz if your going to constantly feel the need to "check this nigga"

    and your going to constantly be little me

    your going to make sex difficult

    your going to be emotionally icy with your heart

    yoru going to put your career first 2nd and third in your life

    AND my money is yours and your money is yours…

    We could just date Asian women in this generation… and try and link up with you guys again next generation and perhaps we will have come to an understanding by then.

  102. @HNIC: Thanks for taking my comment completely into left field AND for speaking for ALL black men. Way to go, HEAD NEGRO IN CHARGE!! You don't know me from boo boo the fool, so the list of judgments you just made may apply to others on this blog you are acquainted with, but def not with me.

    And if you want an Asian woman, by all means, do the darn thang! I don't have any trouble or complaints, so I'll just keep doing me when it comes to black men.

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