Home Submission SBM Answers: Disposable Black Women?

SBM Answers: Disposable Black Women?

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Its been awhile since I responded to an email.  They haven’t been coming in as often as usual (in addition to a small backlog on my part).  Remember … got a burning question … hit me at [email protected].  While I am only one man with one opinion, the comment sections go crazy with good (and equally deplorable questionable) advice.

So … this reader told me:

I’m sure you get a lot of emails asking why black men do some of the things you do. But something happen to me last month that I just have to know the answer to. I’m a black female and I met a black male on line a couple months ago. We met up only after a few online chats and I thought hit it off great. We talked (text actually) pretty much everyday. He came to my place every weekend for three weeks. Had great times watching movies, doing the do. Then all of a sudden poof! Gone! Just like that he was gone no call, no email, no text…nothing. I checked the website we met on and it said that he had logged on just a few days before. So I sent him a message and I got no response. Of course I thought ok this black mutha$(@*a. I was pissed. I got over it and a few weeks passed and I checked the website again and his profile had been deleted.

The question to you: why do black men think black women are disposable????

Now … first I have to say that this one brotha does not represent the actions, views, or opinions of everyone (I do becuase I am The People’s Champ … but thats different) … so don’t say that we, Black men, as a group treat Black women as disposable.  Personally, I try and never disrespect (or carry) anyone like this.  Even my rare one night stands have gotten enduring words and follow up calls (well … except one … but I meant to call her).

See Also:  Reader Appreciation Week: How to get out of the friend zone?

But in your case … I will say there are a couple things I noticed that might have devalued your “position” as girlfriend material and made you “disposable” in this person’s eyes.

You met him online

While I do believe in online dating for several reasons, I do also acknowledge that a few sites in particular (MySpace & BlackPlanet come to mind) that lead themselves very much to hook ups and random meetings.  Like The Club Mentality, it can be hard to take people found here seriously.

There was a high reliance on ‘Text Based Communication”

While I am a whole hearted supporter of Embracing Technology, text messages, emails and IMs, when these are the sole forms of communication … it often shows a lack of commitment on someone’s part.  Its easy to juggle multiple women and keep them at bay when voice and actual interaction is avoided.

First date was a “house date”

***Note*** A follow up email from the reader indicated they actually went out 5-6 times before the house date … but I left this in as a warning to the rest of you.

I have all kinds of hatred for dating as it is and some of the crazy demands placed on us men for first dates, but damn it … coming through to the house to watch a movie and f*ck is not a date!  Unless someone is cooking … its a glorified Booty Call.

See Also:  SBM Answers: Am I being shallow?

You “Hit it Off”

I can attest to the fact of being able to fake “hitting it off” in order to achieve more sinister goals.  Its hard to tell genuine interest from “I just gotta keep smiling for like 2 more days so I can hit” mentality … but thats a whole post on its own.  Ain’t there a book on it?

So … those few things can put you on a path that you don’t want to be on.  If your just looking for a good time … no problem … but if you want a loving and lasting relationship … you need to watch out for a couple of our tricks … just don’t go crazy and get yourself overly paranoid about every man “not doing enough” … like some people I know (yeah … I’m talking to that one person … and she knows who she is).

And lastly … don’t let this one guy ruin your view of all black men.  I’m pretty great myself and there are plenty around looking for a good woman.  Just gotta watch out for the “bad ones”.

Now that I’ve spit my piece … SBM Fam … preach.

Comment(186)

  1. STOP THE TRAIN.

    ok since I am the one out here doing the dating thing… let me weight in on this for my brothas and much to the chagrin of some sistas.

    To answer this chicks question..

    he lost intrest. whats wrong with that? why do you have to call him a mutha F'er just because you were into him, hung out, then he wanted to do something else?

    how is it making black women disposable? What if he found another black woman?

    here is the most valid point… are you SURE he was having a good time? I know I am "seeing" a sista I absolutely cant stand. I know that one of these days Im just going to stop calling her because I am going to get fed up or get a better offer.

    I differ from SBM. Comming over is a REAL date. If I was 19 or something.. ya its a booty call. but staying home eating and watching TV is actually the best form of interpersonal interaction. Think about it kids… when your setteled your not going to go skydiving and salsa dance every night are you? Hell no… so why do we want to say you should go OUT to make a date a date?

    Its easy to juggle multiple women and keep them at bay when voice and actual interaction is avoided.

    Very true I totally agree. I can date more than one woman because I can text and email very easily…. but I wouldnt say that "OMG HE TEXT ME HE MUST HAVE OTHER HOEZ" is a rule. Most of the time we meet someone online… ESPECIALLY at my age … you had better … especially as a black male.. have other women you are dating. In my opinion, with the numbers stacked so far on your side and the state of black love today, your a moron if you are trying to email only ONE woman online and as soon as she calls you , you halt all communication and looking for other women. Check match.com, theres like 5 black women for every 2 black men. Its just a reality for black dating and dating in general when you get 30's something.

    This is gonna end badly. one black man is not all of us. but no matter what I say or SBM says.. your going to work yourself up into a frenzy over black men because one man lost interest in you for no real reason and think it was malicious. Now your gonna get angry at black men? and if it happens again your going to morph into an ABW? give it a rest, you as a woman blow off twice as many men that blow you off… if you didnt your coochie would be the size of the grandcanyon.

  2. Did someone just change the font on this site or is it me?

    another point I want to touch up on.
    The club mentality and websites. I do ALOT of online dating (how else do you do 49 first dates in a year) and I have had mixed results.
    But in general poor sites like blackplanet and blackpeoplemeet.com and myspace are not as effective. Think about it, if your only willing to spend $9 a month are you seriously committed to lovin? I signed up for ehormony and match and had no problem paying the $40 because I was someone looking to date and it was my main focus.

    I must say the majority of the women if not all of the women, I have met from match have been near dimes… while all of the women that would speak to me from blackplanet are usually hoodrats and typical ABW's just looking for someone to get them out of the house. Im not even going to tell you what I think of the absolute trash that try to hollar from myspace, I have yet to meet a single woman from myspace after giving anyone my number… they all sound like numbskulls or hoodrats over the phone.

    I do think the lower paying sites are used as hookup sites. I can admit when I was first starting going out on dates, I would patrol black planet emailing every chick with pics posted of her either in the club or in a thong…. usually means "fuck me" in HNIC language. I mean…. who brings a cam to a club? right.. a chick who is a a club goer and a chick who wants peopel to see her as "fun". ……. use condoms fellas.

    I must admit however for all my attempts and dates, I still have never slept with a single american born black female that I met online…. yes fellas dont be a poser like me, my batting average is low. But I still date 2 women I met online and to totally contradict myself……… both are from blackplanet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Not that I have a problem with dating sites, i'm just a hopeful i will meet someone in a random place, like i did the other day on the train to Brooklyn. It may be that he lost interest, but he should have at least communicated to you that he wanted to discontinue the friendship or what have you. Don't let that one man get you down because that has happened to me. And I mean it's a fact of life, people lose interest, some of those people take the b*tcha$$ route out but you move on, find someone better and go on with your life. And to add if i do meet someone online I would be very careful to bring people that are met online to the home. 1st and 2nd dates should be public dates because crazy isn't tattoed on the forehead.

  4. He's just not that into you…no worries though…someone will be.

    No extensive explanations are needed, every situation is different, everyone practices different dating rules and expectations as we can clearly see by both SBM's and HNIC's different views…some are regional…others are age related, but at the end of the day you just gotta go with what makes YOU feel comfortable.

    Who knows, he may have thought that your pinky toe was crooked, or your sideburns were too long, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter….he just wasn't that into you. Brush it off and KEEP IT MOVING!!

    *sidenote* getting Alex ready for her first day of Kindergarten….YAAAAAAY…*deep breath*….here we go!!

  5. I think that he probably was still in a relationship of sorts or dipping his foot in both ponds and then somehow ended up going back with the other chick. I say count your blessings. sometimes when people move on its for the better so that new people can move into our lives. he definitely burned a bridge. I would thank him! he probably would have been more heartache than good times.

    @TEACIA: Good luck mama! Dont you cry!awww.babies grow up so quick

  6. Ok guys I am sure everyone has heard this song already but I just listened to it for the first time and I am sad to find out this song is by one of my X favorite R&B singers.

    it ties so well into the "Technology post" but this is the same b.s I am talking bout!!! I don't give a damn if its not rant fridays im pissed!!!

    http://www.tilashotspot.buzznet.com/web/tila/vide

    Raheem U are fucking shit up!!!!

    now what was we talkin bout…….

  7. My Opinion:

    1. Why is this man she doesn't know coming to her house? Huge Mistake. Dude could have been psycho rapist/murderer and killed her!

    2. But since he did come to her house and over a couple weeks time (if that) she decided to engage in sex with him… chances are he banged her until he was tired and ready to move to the next kitty.

    3. I don't think dude was treating her as disposable… not to sound harsh or rude… but she treated herself disposable first — hence why the dude felt it was okay and only right to do the same. His objective sounds as though it was to meet and create a sex-buddy/jump-off/late night body inspector situation with this woman. Depending on how well they hit it off… there is a chance she got on his nerves, or he thought she may be getting too use to having his d*ck readily available or many other reasons he could have decided to walk away and keep it moving.

    4. Bottom line is that YOU HAVE TO PROTECT YOU first. If she's only looking for sex and company — then fine, treat it as such. When dude comes over – – – get yours and send him home. But if she's looking for something more worthwhile… invest time and getting to know the person prior to opening the legs or inviting him over for the first couple dates to your house.

  8. I agree with Teacia. He just wasn't that into you.. that' the bottom line, now whether he had a girlfriend, got bored, whatever, don't worry your pretty little head about it. The best thing you can do is admit it to yourself and go out there and meet someone who really wants you. I also agree with SBM about the house date… to me, that's not a date… sounds all well and good but guys, I've never met a man who can just chill at my place without us playing the "Stop, No, Don't" game. Uggghhh.

  9. Just to elaborate… I'm not saying that respectful men don't exist, I just haven't found one yet. LOL. They usually always try me if they're over my house.

  10. This site is crazy. I check this site in the morning along with my emails. Anyway back to the topic. Ol' boy was not into her like she was into him. He had his own agenda and more than likely he got what he wanted and bounced. If he left that abruptly he either had his main piece on the side, he got tired of your sh*t, or he got what he wanted aka mission accomplished.

  11. @Nicki Sunshine

    "sounds all well and good but guys, I’ve never met a man who can just chill at my place without us playing the “Stop, No, Don’t” game"

    Where are you finding these neanderthals?

  12. Just going back to read the other comments. Ms. Freckles, I am definitely agreeing with your opinions girl. We definitely have to respect OURSELVES first!

  13. @Humble-One…. In lovely Kentucky… that one I was talking about on Friday was from Baltimore though (the long distance thing)…. Needless to say, this is EXACTLY why me and most of my friends are single. HA!

  14. I dont let anyone in my front door in the first 2 mths of dating. I own my place.. I cant move if they end up being psycho. Call me paranoid but no HOUSE DATES until I know all about you and even then.. probably not.. I rather be in a place that I can leave instead of feeling awkward of how to gently tell you to get the F*CK out!

  15. @HNIC

    "Now your gonna get angry at black men? and if it happens again your going to morph into an ABW? give it a rest, you as a woman blow off twice as many men that blow you off"

    I agree with this totally. Women turn down WAAAAY more men than men do women in general. So when a man ain't realing feeling just take it like that. This girl in the email is taking this too serious. Every black man on earth does not want you just like you dont want every black man on earth.

  16. @Humble_One. It's not bad for hoodrats… They are racking up. But there is an overflow of good SINGLE women. We missed the mark with that whole southern hospitality. Hell, most of us don't even think we're southern; if you ask one person, it's southern, another will say we're midwest.

    These men are in love with the whole hood mentality (even when they don't live in the hood!). Gold teeth, white Ts and 22s on old schools. I'm not with that, I can't bring him to any work functions. I dated this one cat, I figured go with it, he had a freakin GRILL and tattoos everywhere, one of them with a middle finger on the globe for F*** that world. I told him, "well, isn't that a fine attitude to have?" That didn't last. HA! Any classy club someone tries to open will stay that way for… say a month, then it'll get shot up.

  17. I'm definitely moving. Once I graduate (eight more classes to go!), I'm packing my bags…. been looking into Charlotte, North Carolina.

  18. @Nicki Sunshine

    "But there is an overflow of good SINGLE women. We missed the mark with that whole southern hospitality. Hell, most of us don’t even think we’re southern; if you ask one person, it’s southern, another will say we’re midwest."

    Thats funny because up here we consider Kentucky the south. I think I might need to go to Kentucky and explore a little bit.

  19. @Humble_One: I always thought it was the south because of our accents (hurrr and thurr and yaw)… but after that idiot Chingy came out with that song and being that he's from the midwest, I guess peoeple idenitifed with it.

    It's really nothing to explore…. or maybe I'm just bitter. I'm outta here at every chance I can get. LOL. I stay going to Miami.

  20. @Nicki Sunshine – I said explore because you said there was an overflow of good single women there. I have a friend there he can't wait to leave. I've been there 2x. Once while I was in Cincinnati and another time on my way to Atlanta. I heard the Kentucky Derby was nice but thats it.

  21. @Humble_One. Gotcha! 🙂 The best times to come explore the good single women is First Fridays, which is the First Friday of every month and it's catered to the "urban professional" and Poetry Night, which varies but is for those 30 and up. It's one of those spoken word events, very relaxed but I like that. http://www.30somethingentertainment.com/

    Honestly, the last three Derbys I have not been out. They were trying to shut us down like Freaknic, too many people getting shot. I'm determined to go to a good Derby party in 2009. It'll probably cost a grip, but hey, you have to pay to play with the big boys (I'll just have to eat Ramen noodles for a while. LOL!)

  22. Where is the element of the woo in this letter? I know that this is the 21st century. But I think men still like to believe that they a) did the pursuing b) some men think the rules of engagement change online (which is why a) is so important. c) I agree with the other women uptop since when does chilling at your house constitute a date? d) you slept with him too fast (and I'm betting it wasn't on the third weekend tryout e) I hate texting and we all know why.

    Finally I don't really believe that men think that black women are disposable. However, when YOU show a black man you are-he's probably going to take your word for it. The whole situation was a recipe for disaster. He didn't have to do anything to GET you, so why would he do anything to keep you.

    coffee time.

  23. my commentary is dual faceted:

    on homeboi dipping out:

    1. the first date cannot be at your house. it sets the wrong tone that yall are already familiar with eachother and essentially youre not because you seriously just met him and didnt know anything about him.

    2. house dates lead to sex quicker than dinner and a movie dates do. so you gave it up too quick

    3. if all you wanted was sex and a lil companionship, then fine, problm solved. but there is no need to carry on a relationship for months and years if thats all that you wanted.

    4. jolie was right, he was prolly in another relationship and decided to make that work and to top it off, he wasnt into you.

  24. second comment:

    online dating is awkward… i even wrote about my experience. i must say however, that ive met plenty of good black men online. they were genuinely nice. there was nothing wrong with them. they had good jobs, and would have made great husbands. but they just werent for me.

    types of men online:

    1. the hoe thats just looking for some new P and a vey casual dater

    2. the socially awkwad nerd that doesnt really have the people skills to meet women in person

    3. the "legally separated" man who is trying to play the field before he decides if he really wants to leave his wife or not

    4. the thug that proll just got out of prison and wants some P and not D for the first time in 4 years

    5. the genuinely nice guy who is just trying to find a different approach to the dating scene.

    seems like you met #1

  25. Thank you for the info, HNIC and FeFe Fatale… I've never online dated but it may be something that I'd be interested in looking into. Your second comments makes me feel a little better about doing so…. looking for #5. 🙂

  26. leave it to comeback to take some shit thats simple and turn it into a female power trip.

    Ya know there are actually people who are out here in 2008 dating and actually know there is nor should be a "woo" period where a man tries to WIN your affections like its a prize.

    You dont actually want that guy that nobody wants… you can get that nigga at any time. You want that man who i has the great stats and the roguish elusiveness that you have to work to get. Black women in praticular imo since our life is about struggle… so deep down you need to find some type of struggle to stimulate yourself.

    A friend of mine put my dating life this past year into perspective for me last weekend. I look like an "elusive type cat" which is why I get so many first dates, but I was actually a housecat which is why nobody really cared about that 2nd date. She said I have "jump off" written on my forehead and thats what women seem to need for some strange reason.

    Now that I could care less if any of the women I meet stay or go, because I have such a high callibar chick in miss ER, nobody friggin leaves! Its amazing.

  27. FEFE: nice way to stereotype the black men… heres the black women online

    1) Sista who wants a guy with money

    2) Sista who wants a guy with "good STATS"

    3) Angry black woman who wants a guy with good enough stats that she can claim she had a date but not good enough that she will actually want to chase after him… so she is basically needing a nigga to get her out of the house.

    4) overly empowered sista who just wants sexual attention because shes in her 30's and her ass is too difficult to deal with so shes still single…. but she still dosent value men as actual people… just assets so she meets men online and calls them when she is bored (like once a month) to do stuff

    5) sista who wants a guy with money

    6) see type 1

    7) Various hoodrat

    8) Sista who has gained a bit of money or lost a bit of weight and now thinks she is too good for her current boyfriend/husband and is dipping on the side but the safest way is by going on the internet while at work and calling you while she is at happyhour or at her desk (Ive had too many of these this year… I needed to vent)

    9)Slobishly and painfully obese sistas

    10) and the all too common…. black woman who USED to be a dime when she was 18 but is more like a 5 now and thinks she should be with a man who is a 9. Ya know, shes put on weight and fell off goin to the gym, genetics havent been kind and her personality is even more unkind. she thinks every nigga should worship her to hit it and constantly calls out her education and accomplishments… yet you KNOW this bish is single for a reason. yet she still thinks shes fly and too fly for an average brotha, an overweight brotha or a brotha who isnt ballin. cuz if a brotha was ballin he would date his blond thin white prize instead of you anyways. Ya that ones common too.

  28. Good Lord, are we in for another angry debate today guys???? HNIC, I dunno the whole story here, ( is it because I'm new,?) but it seems like you just went off on FeFe and Comeback? I didn't think either of the ladies where saying anything offensive, but your comment back is a little rough.

    I'm none of those 10 categories and am thinking about trying online dating… to sum it up, just a woman under 30, not obese, working full time, in college part time, but due to where I live, there are really no great options for dating to meet an equally good guy. Where do the good girls fit in your categories? FeFe Fatale did shout out the good guys in number 5.

  29. Well I've had a few house first dates that didn't turn into the "no. stop. don't." game. I think respect is given where respect is expected and demanded. I don't require a man to spend loads of money on me upon first meeting and I myself enjoy a good home cooked meal and a nice movie or a long talk on the balcony. Going out is nice and all…but it's definitely overrated.

    Also if you possess a shread of have self control and can be adults about a situation it doesn't matter where the first date takes place. If you're going to put yourself out there and give up the goodies upon first meeting(or second) then expect to be treated as a jump off. Now I've had a fiance whom I slept with on the first date and that man loved me like no other and fought to keep the relationship alive much to my dismay(i messed that one up good). So theory is a little skewed…I guess it depends on the type of man you're dealing with along with where he's at mentally.

    While some still live by the age old adage that making him wait will keep him, and a first date should happen like this, that, and the other…the reality is those time tested theories may not have stood the test of time and died out with crochet braids.

    @Jolie: thanks chic!!! i actually got pretty emotional and i don't do emotional in public places.

  30. LMAO @ Hasani…man you really are coming hard today aren't you. You need mama to come over there and rub you down…huh Sani baby?!?

    …ok let me stop before I get myself in trouble…I think my bf has been e-stalking me again…lol.

    And SBM no comment on me coming to DC this weekend…the last time I said I was coming you were all over it…no i'll show you around the town, or my crib is where it's at…damn she got you on lock like that homie…lol?!?!?

  31. Piggy-backing off that Teacia… "While some still live by the age old adage that making him wait will keep him, and a first date should happen like this, that, and the other…the reality is those time tested theories may not have stood the test of time and died out with crochet braids?"

    What do you all think about giving it up IMMEDIATELY vs. Dating for months and making him wait? Frankly, I've tried both and the guy who I made wait (which wa the one I lost my virginity to at 19) is the only one who stuck around…. Mind you we did end up breaking up…. I really don't know why (could it be because he finally GOT IT? Dunno). I went through my Lil Kim phase where I was trying to make myself feel in control by "treating them like prostitutes" but shortly learned that wasn't hurting them because it's probably what they wanted anyway…. then there's a few times where I've told the guys I wanted to wait because I wanted something better and more…. they ended up trying me and because I'm a Scorpio (*smile) my physical betrayed my mental goals and SOMETIMES I gave in. SO,

    all that being said, what do people think about that topic? Maybe I just answered my own question, you've got to know your own limits????

  32. @Comeback – In 2008 some men do not feel the need to pursue. From my experience the weakest men as far as character try the hardest.

    @HNIC – Your list reperesents dating outside the internet too. I feel your #10 totally. I've met a few of them. She was hot sh*t back from 94-00. Now she fell off and still thinks she is hot. You talk to them and its like they never look at themselves. They are in a totally different world.

    I've met your #4 too. That is the woman that says "i've been single so long that I am use to it". You are right they don't value men as people. They look at them as instruments to fill superficial or insignificant needs that she holds of value that has nothing to do with the integrity or character of that man.

    You forgot one more woman. The one that is looking for someone to save them from the responsibilites of life.

  33. ""Ya know there are actually people who are out here in 2008 dating and actually know there is nor should be a “woo” period where a man tries to WIN your affections like its a prize."

    Well the problem here might be what FeFe itemizes as number (2) of some men's online traits. A man who isn't socially awkward or lacking social grace will know when a woman has and has not signaled interest outside of his wallet. Conversely those who don't will surmise that you just keep trying until you break her down. (and to your point Humble, the later is esp. weak, you are right.

    sadly this is exhibited in behavior of men and women. I would have a hard time dating a man who I WAS pursuing. I would always be wondering if he would have pursued and woo'd on his own without my manipulation and intervention.

    Lastly, I can only speak for me. I think if another method works, work it…but I am finding that the above is getting me closer to what and who is right for me.

  34. @SBM – I agree. Going to someones house is not a date. I look at that as just spending time with each other trying to get to know each other. I am not going to get fly to come to your house. Actually I would rather spend time with a woman at her house or just running errands with her than going on dates. Sometimes I think dates make people put on their fake suits.

  35. @Humble_One. I agree, some people are giving you a representative on the first date…. or maybe the first few. If you're quiet and patient , just sit back and a fool will show you their true self.

  36. For the first time EVAR, I agree with SBM. Ms Freckles put the icing on the cake with the cherry on top.

    Dear reader/emailer: Listen to the other commenters. They have diagnosed the illness. Take the medicine and get well. You will meet someone worthy of your love and time. But make sure you love you first.

  37. I see the problem right away. This particular guy thought she was disposable because #1 she didn't know him and she slept with him. Women have to stop sleeping with men that they don't know. As far as he was concerned, his mission was accomplished so he felt no need to talk to her. He already knew what to expect from a conversation with her so why put himself through the drama.

  38. @Comeback – If you are feeling each other then both sides should be pursuing each other. Just speaking from my experience, if I am always calling you and asking you to go here and there I am going to feel like you are looking for someone to stroke your ego or you just don't feel me, so I would move on.

    @Nicki Sunshine – Right, if you are patient most people will show their ass. Some take longer than others but they will always show it.

  39. Dear Writer,

    The frustrating part about your situation (and a few situations I've been involved in) is that he left without leaving you a lie to even dwell on. Although this was a cowardly thing to do and you may be dealing with closure issues, remember that no one owes you anything. Women find value in an explanation but having your mind go through turmoil is risky, tiresome, and can lead to very unproductive sometimes harmful behavioral patterns.

    "You complete me…" That was cute when Tom Cruise said it on Vanilla Sky but let me advise that you should not look for someone to complete you. Ladies and gentlemen often times find themselves searching for that someone to complete them. Work on being a whole and complete single unit. Get yours, accomplish your goals. After becoming that single complete unit, find that someone to COMPLIMENT you. Although you can do things on your own (with prayer and encouraging family friends definitely makes it easier), having that special person on your side that compliments you will help you realize that it's easier "doing you…as a team" with them by your side.

  40. Hasani–good point. She doesn't know if he was having a good time. He could have been faking it until he got what he wanted–sex. He could have found someone else. He could have already had someone and she was a quick jump-off.

    Teacia – No tears now while sending the little one to school 🙂 And yes, it doesn't sound like he was really into her. She's better off without him.

    So true Ms. Freckles. People will only do to you what you allow them to do. Girl dust your shoulders off and move on. Show the man how to treat you.

    Jolie I'm with you. I don't let anyone know where I live until I feel like I can trust them–and it takes more than a few dates. When I was living in an apartment if the guy got a little psycho I could always move…but when I bought my house–oh no. No strangers. I'll meet you out somewhere but you won't be coming over.

    Humble One I think the guy confused her because he acted like he did want her by spending enough time with her for her to sleep with him. Sometimes women forget that a guy will sleep with a woman and not want to be with her in a relationship. If you want more, you have to act like you want more.

    The ComebackGirl–he probably felt like if she slept with him that easily then why could he trust her. To the person who wrote the letter. I just want to see all the different reasons why, so you won't make that mistake again. Trust is something you earn. Sometimes we give trust too easily without knowing anything about a person. You're precious so don't give away a part of yourself to someone who doesn't think that you are too.

  41. I really can't get with all the long out explanations and categories going on today…none of that shit matters, b/c believe it or not there is someone for everyone…ratios withstanding. Every category and stereotype can be broken…for every angry black woman there is a man who can get close enough and put a smile on her face…the same goes for our angry black men.

    I just don't get it, sex or no sex a man is going to bounce if he's not really feeling you. And if for some reason he leaves, check yourself and if you feel comfortable in your decisions, regroup and keep it moving. If you did something that you felt was out of character then readjust and keep it moving…but either way, let it go k.i.m.

    @Nikki: believe it or not it doesn't matter anymore. yeah there was a time when sex and timing mattered, but not so much these days. i hate to be the one to diminish the significance of giving yourself to a man, but it is what it is. as with the decline of morals, values and ethics in this country…the value of sex has followed suit, it is no longer a taboo topic…i mean damn we got like 152 Real Sex episodes, Hookers at the Point, the Vagina Monologues and the list goes on…

    if a guy is feeling your essence he's going to stick around sex or not. i don't know i haven't had too many dudes bounce out on me after sex, most of the men i date at some point want a relationship…some don't. i'm the queen of k.i.m. and most men know that, so they're going to do whatever it takes to lock it down. as long as you know your worth and respect your body, don't do anything you don't want to do and feel empowered about your decisions then you'll be gravy…otherwise the cycle will continue.

  42. @ Shelia, totally agree. Men put women in compartments, my third eye didn't really tell me that he had another woman basically because of the three consecutive girl scout sleepovers. Men will "done you" JUST because you fell into a compartment that they couldn't redeem you out of. There is duplicity in it. Because if he thinks your rather "sex$ually free", it makes him a well rounded explorer. And he in his duplicity he will always wonder that "if she gave it to me on house date 2, how fast would she give it up for someone else.

    These are man laws. I have alot of men in my family…and the rules don't change because we want them to. Or slick azz men tell us its a new day-in order for them to get what they want. Its not.

    @ Humble, I disagree. Men and women are different. If a man is pursuing and you as a woman are interested you SIGNAL interest back. If he is calling or has left a message. You return his call. If he asks you to Shakespere in the park, you go. If he buys you flowers, say thank you.

    I think once a man has won your heart, you have alot of time to make him feel like a man. Lots of dinners to cook, lots of places to take him that he enjoys etc. etc.

  43. Had to jump in and say I agree with Humble and HNIC. Its really annoying when you meet a woman who is so determined to be "wooed" that she won't call you and puts all her effort into being alusive.

    It reminds me of this one female commenter who demands that she is called everyday (even if her man were to take illness in the hospital) and yet refuses to actually call him from her phone. If thats not the definition of selfishness … tell me what is?

    But as Anit and I have argued before … pursuit needs to happen on both ends. Otherwise we men feel like u just like the attention and will move our asses on.

    Ok … back to work.

  44. Nicki Sunshine, I think it depends on what you want with the guy and what he wants with you. If you both are looking for just a sexual relationship then it doesn't matter; but if you both are trying to build something solid, introducing sex into the equation too early can blind one or the other to things. If the sex is good you might overlook things that would normally alert you that this guy is not "relationship" material. Waiting to have sex isn't going to kill you and contrary to what the guy says, it's not going to kill him either.

  45. @Neonnea

    "“You complete me…” That was cute when Tom Cruise said it on Vanilla Sky but let me advise that you should not look for someone to complete you. Ladies and gentlemen often times find themselves searching for that someone to complete them. Work on being a whole and complete single unit. Get yours, accomplish your goals. After becoming that single complete unit, find that someone to COMPLIMENT you."

    I agree totally. I think if you are looking for someone to fulfill some emotional void you have you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Never place your happiness in the hands of someone else. Whats crazy is that some people believe it is their mates responsiblity to make them happy.

  46. Wow. This is an interesting post. I have to say I was only in a situation like this once and he came back like three weeks later. I don't know I just think men have varied interest. I don't think she should have put all her eggs in one basket though cause this shit does happen and no it doesn't mean we're disposable, because as someone said earlier maybe he left for another black woman.

    Let me check this vid out I do love the song though!

  47. @Teacia. I second that. LOVES Jerry McGuire. "You had me at hello."

    Thanks for the sharing some wisdom on my "waiting" question, too.

  48. @hnic

    never did i say that the online dating types are for black men only… take offense much? longwinded much?

    i, in fact, said that #5 is the type that one would like to find.

  49. WOWWWWW!!!! on the video….I'd be so pissed. Haha…I must admit Raheem is messing it up all the way around. Are all men in DC like that…I wonder I just wonder…

  50. @Shiela: thanks! I'm so very torn with this topic…. I've opted to celibate for the last 7 seven months… for many reasons, initally, it was because I want more and there are simply too many diseases out there and some aren't prevented by a condom (crabs JUMP. *smile*) but later on, I've tried to strengthen my faith so it's been more of a "that's what I think I'm supposed to do" type thing.

    THIS is not to say, once I find a good man, it may be all thrown out the door… HA! Just like AA, it's one day at a time. 😉

  51. Sheila I do agree…sex clouds one's judgement….especially good sex. I'm dating a guy now who holds it DOWN in the bedroom and if we hadn't gotten a chance to really get to know one another I think our attachment would be a physical one, and we wouldn't really be able to see the real problems when they arise.

    Sometimes you stick around for the bad(ie Hasani and Miss Alaska), just because the sex is good even when the "relationship" is in the shitters.

    Now having said all of the things I've said in previous comments I don't do casual sex. I may not wait for months to have sex but nothing I do at this point in my life is casual. And people will show you who they are, you have to take those moments and decide if you feel comfortable enough to give up the goodies. Hell sometimes you wait forever and a negro still leaves, so the waiting game isn't the answer…character judgement is where it's at.

    "When people show you who they are believe them the first time."….and then go from there, but be sure of your decisions and have no regrets…life is all about living and learning…and we all play the fool sometimes.

  52. @Teacia, thanx for the catch…I didn't care for Vanilla Sky; No more Kanye for me today…

    @Nicki & Humble, I think Kentucky is Midwest. I heard some good things about Louisville; it's an hurr 🙂 away from Florence. I've met several neanderthals in the tri-state (Kentucky, Indiana, Ohio). And the hood mentality – I've met the fakest wanna be thugs in Cincinnati. Broke down tails need to get a job and stop putting those grills in their teeth and invest in a dental cleaning. (I guess this is the part where dating techniques could be regional thing and should be altered accordingly…per Teacia's earlier comment)

    There is a position with my company available down south and I would love to get on.

  53. Character judgement is where it’s at…“When people show you who they are believe them the first time.”….

    Say it again Teacia. A lot of times folks ignore what they see and try to make things to be what they want it to be. If a man tells you he's not ready for a relationship, I don't care how much you put it on him, don't expect him to miracously change overnight. It might appear that he's settling down, but when things slow down, he'll be out for his next quest. If you meet a man who is bombing, don't think you can change him into a go-getter.

  54. Ummm SBM damn…you not gonna address my DC comment now…lol…she got it like that, you can't even respond to your loyal commentors.

    …no flirting i promise. 🙂

  55. @Nicki-Good decision, I was in a relationship for a little over a year and a half and for 15 mos. of that it was a no go for him, something just didn't seem right…and you will always be in my prayers cause I know it gets hard sometimes.

    Question: Does celibacy mean nothing sexual at all? Or just nothing with another person?

    @Teacia-Amen.

    I think alot of it is about self respect and what regard you hold yourself in, which is not to say you should think you are so good that no one can ever touch you or you can't have flaws or mess up.

  56. Nikki: damn 7 months huh…yeah well to each his own…lol. one time for being cleansed in the holy spirit…*sighing* i'm going to hell in a flaming handbasket over here, that is unless my ummm beau makes an honest woman out of me one day(the power of suggestion is an amazing thing yall).

    Sheila: yeah these knuckleheads always show their true colors, and sometimes it's what we need but not what we want, so we can't put all the blame on the men. you can only "hint" at a man for so long that he's not good enough before he gets the message and bounces w/o explanation.

  57. @Teacia – You are so right with the character issue. When my mom explained to me why she was still with my father it was because of character, integrity, honesty, etc. What is funny is that people don't base a relationship on this. To be honest I have seen more women than men get in relationship for every reason except character or integrity.

  58. @Neonna…. I'm cracking up at your neandertals! LOL, but I agree 1000%. I don't know what's up with these tri state guys.

    I'm torn with the south, on one hand, you get that whole southern hospitality thing" going… although one of my ""friends" (former Knock offs) is from Alabama is the biggest DOG I've ever seen in my life. After the healing period, I now consider him a friend and thank JESUS every time I talk to him that I dodged that bullet. HA! Maybe his dog-ness has to do with inner mommy issues that I know he has? Hmmm… anyway. Always the psychologist, I am.

    I always get love in Miami, which is the extreme south, but I dunno if that really counts since its so tourist-y.

    On the other hand, I can't help but think of straw hats and overalls and gold teeth, the further south I go.

  59. @Jaclynn: Thanks sista. 🙂 I really appreciate that. And I think it means nothing sexual at all… but I do have a vice and it's called a bullet under my bed. FORGIVE ME SWEET baby Jesus.

    @Teacia. I'm cracking up over here…. the power of suggestion….

  60. @Neonnea – Really? People consider Kentucky the midwest? Being from Detroit and meeting people from St. Louis, Indianapolis, Gary, etc. and visiting other cities in the midwest I don't understand how we are in the same region. We don't even talk the same as other parts of the midwest. They have more in common with the south than the midwest.

  61. @Teacia: You trying to get me killed? You can get a list of spots … but don't be messing up my life trying to get me caught up.

    Lol … I bet Hasani will drive down and keep you entertained and laced for the entire weekend.

  62. @Nicki-Girl I have a blue one. It's like super powered and like 13 bucks from Hustler ooohhhooo!!!! Yep I work with those when I don't have the real thing.

    @Humble-I thought Midwest. What does the Mason-Dixon line say?

    @SBM-Chill man, can't your gf respect your framily?

  63. Question…. Just got an email from one of my guy friends…. what is it about when a man calls me Sweetheart that make me weak???? I'm like that girl off player's club, "if that's all you want then you don't want much." LOL

  64. Yeah the two minute thing is if you got a fresh pack of batteries on hand…the downside to the bedside buddy is that it does desensitize you to the real thing…I mean let's be real no man's tongue works that damned fast.

    …which is why I put away my toy for better or for worse(yall see the suggestion)…lol.

    SBM negro calm down…ain't nobody trying to get you caught up. A list would be great…I'll hit you on the hip(gf read: email) for further said activities.

  65. @Teacia…. how about I got introduced to it late in life????? I swore I broke my woman parts because I used it so much…. so I had to lay off for a while.

  66. @Teacia-Oh I got a fresh pack. And I put mine away when in a serious, steady relationship (getting it like errday). I hope the suggestion works cause then we can discuss wedding plans here on the blog like all day. SBM will love it!

    @Nicki-Hi5 to you as well. I swear these men don't know he can make it work without them something serious. And yes, I know you can break yourself I mean really injure if you're not careful lol

  67. ummmm what was this post about again…oh yeah, girl keep it moving…no person is disposable, man or woman, black white or asian…we all have value. just different value to one another…would you really want to waste your time with a man who doesn't share in your value and know your worth…and would an explanation to the fact really have any value..or would it be more for your bruised ego.

    i don't dwell on explanations and closure…for what, no reason is ever good enough in the hurt person's eyes…so save yourself the bs and enjoy life to the fullest.

  68. @Jaclyn: I can make it work daggone well without them considering not many men have gotten me "there" anyways! Ha. No love lost.

  69. I'm late, but …

    He's not into her anymore. Let it go, because harping on it isn't going to bring him back.

    Maybe she did something that turned him off to her; nothing huge, but it's usually the little things that add up.

  70. Ummm yeah, I don't think SBM(single black male) would take too fondly to the idea of us women here discussing wedding plans to some random negro he doesn't know, hell even if he did know him i'm sure he would oppose…as a matter of fact that negro will probably block all of our asses…lol.

    Besides…there will be no wedding in the near future…I don't know if I can be around him 7 consecutive days yet alone till death do us part.

    ….slow and steady sweetie.

  71. @Nicki-I know!!! And I don't feel like I should have to keep explaining. Listen the first time please. Now my ex…boy oh boy…once he figured it out..it never stopped.

    @Teacia-Haha. Poor us. Well work that thang girl and figure it out. I will need a wedding no later than October of 2010, because I like shopping for them plus yours will make me have to travel, which I will like!

  72. @ Jolie Fatale… just read the post…. I have a friend and she has the same problem… she can't to at it alone… It amazes me.

  73. @Jaclyn: if they can figure it out and take directions, they don't realize how much further they can get… I had a guy once that had a pinkie ring (trying to keep it G rated) but could chow down like he was at IHOP and my nose was OPENED! Had me following him around like I was a puppy and he had kibble in his pocket!!! LOL.

    Sorry men, I know yaw probably don't want to hear about all of this.

  74. @Teacia: So proud of you for admitting you may not be able to be around him 7 full days yet. Have a cousin who is planning a wedding now, to a cheap-o, she doesn't have a ring yet, AND ALL SHE DOES IS complain about how cheap he is. Uhhh, hunnie… when do you think it's gonna change????

  75. @Jolie-Wow. I can kinda feel her, but she better get a bullet and ante up some phone sex.

    @Nicki-Girl, until I get a ring I ain't walking down nobody's aisle. And yes, my ex went from the side. Whew. To this day I am still doing whatever he asks.

    @Teacia-Try him for 7 days. If you can't make it oh well.

  76. Well I turn 31 Oct 12, 2010…I will be married before that day. I don't care if it's on October 11th at 11:59pm that I say I do but I will not go into my 30's unwed…you can bet on that one.

    Enough about the marriage talk for real, we're nowhere near that point…we're still getting over the getting along hump….besides it may not even be him with the way I switch em up…but here's to hoping…lol.

    …back to our regularly scheduled programming.

  77. All this wedding talk scared every guy away.

    I will join this group and go … back to work.

    And Teacia, your right … not trying to hear none of that rubbish now.

  78. comeback, I gotta disagree with ya on yoru response to my post.

    I dont think you can find a person who knows me who wouldnt at LEAST say I am "socially savy" or personable….. very irritating with my writing… but personable none the less.

    I cant tell at all if a woman is in my pocket or into my pants or into making me a husband. I just have no clue. woman and especially BLACK women… are twice as cunning and quick on their feet as black men and half as compassionate.

    we make for really great "suckers" if we are not in control of a romantic situation, which usually leads to our exploitation.

    If there was a way yall could educate us as to whats happening when you are doing what to us and trying to manipulate us we would appreciate it. Somehow I dobut any of you "playboy" type females would divulge serious secrets like men are willing to do for the women on other blogs and forums.

    but we could sure use the help….. anyone remember me 9 months ago with miss may? ya I totally like thought I was getting married and stuff and for those who dont remember…. we will just leave it at that.

  79. @JACLYN: Bon Voyage girl and bring me back a t shirt. LOL

    @HNIC… I'm sorry sweetie, but I am no help here. I was a nerd before it was even "cool" to be one, so I don't have a clue why or how women do it. May be some women do it for the same reasons some men do it, it just makes them feel good?

  80. What do you all think about giving it up IMMEDIATELY vs. Dating for months and making him wait?

    It depends on how sinister the man is. Take someone like Humble or Me 8 months ago. You make us wait and we will still frollic around. You take a normal guy like … especially if you try it at 30 where the sex game is reversed… your gonna wind up single and a mans dick is going to wind up wet elsewhere…. you do that to an advanced man like me now… and your going to have some form of retaliation.

    part of the problem miss alaska has is she made me jump through hoops for 4 months just for a 2nd date and some booty. So despite knowing she is into me now, I am pretty spiteful and always keep in mind the silly games from the beginning. (I think my new philipino cutie is about to follow the same path and get a rude heart stomping down the line after this past week and a half.)

    Now I am not saying sleep with everyone extra quickly. but I will tell you that alot of us men will get REALLY disconcerted with the waiting thing. Especially us older men.
    I understood the waiting game for late teens and early 20's perhaps. but by the time your 30's the number of people you have been with is so high anyway…. your making a man wait as a form of showing the power that you wield? pfft

    I have greatly enjoyed playing games with Alaska. Shes been hormonal these past 2 weeks and needed sex. I keep giving her the "im busy" and even went over to see her, ate dinner and told her I was having "problems" so we couldnt have sex. Its all malicious payback from the games she played first….

    but then again not every guy will take it there…. but some of us with a spine will 8)

  81. Hasani

    I disagree, being socially savvy assumes that you are able to detect transparency to the positive or the negative. I don't need a whole bunch of dates to know if I've encountered a man I want to continue to date and share my time with. And its not fair (and not good for my karma) to lead a man on thinking that there is more there than is not.

    I would also venture to say that you attract what you are. I don't believe that people just come up on bad dates all the time. Again if you are ALWAYS attracting the same type of (cunning and or negative people) its time to check yourself. I've noticed just over the last few months…some men dont even notice me. They dont even step, they self-select OUT…and for that I am grateful.

  82. "My hard core rule is if one of us is not naked in some way by the 3rd time I come over your house you are terminated"

    LOL ***I just laughed up a lung*** oh my God…and you don't even wonder why none of these dates has resulted in a love connection???

  83. In general how I feel about sex with someone I meet. I NEVER in all 49 of my first dates have brought up sex, sex drive or having sex, how was sex with the ex… and in some cases have ignored a woman who speaks about sex (damn white women) on the first date and change topics.

    However if the woman dosent bring up sex to me in the first 3 dates I flag her in my phonebook with a "y" so she goes to the back of the book and out of rotation (game player gold digger ect)

    My hard core rule is if one of us is not naked in some way by the 3rd time I come over your house you are terminated.

    I dont necessarily have to have sex with someone. For myself I just need to know that your concerned with getting intimate that way I know your not using me for manipulation. With me its about respect, you gotta be tryin to get me off. whack me 4 times if you have a problem with having actiual sex, but I gotta know your having my welfare in mind and arent out to do the old fashioned pussy trap.

    besides .. if a woman really wanted to keep you… would she let you walk out of her house with "a loaded gun?"

    ladies draw your own conclusions from that… fellas follow my lead if you will.

  84. @HNIC. You have me cracking up with your descriptions: "loaded gun" and "whack me four times."

    But off what you said, I've also been schooled by some of my guys that men like to hunt. Do you have commentary on that one, sir? 🙂

  85. LOL ***I just laughed up a lung*** oh my God…and you don’t even wonder why none of these dates has resulted in a love connection???

    My dates have failed because most of the women I dated were angry black women / omorosa types like yourself. ANd please tell the audiance how your "I will only date a black man who makes over 70,000 a year but will make him wait 4 months and $1,100 worth of dates before he can smell my panties" is working for YOUR love life?

    Angry and manipulative women ruin the dating pool more than anything else, yet the pool is so filled with you guys.

    My plan is to keep away from your types or crush them (like I am doing to miss alaska now)

  86. why is there an age limit on marriage?

    This, and other requirements make marriage scary. At least for me. I know there are certain biological clocks involved, but still….

    I'd rather wait a year or two and meet the woman of my dreams instead of rushing to get married before an arbitrary date.

    why. so. serious??!?

  87. "ANd please tell the audiance how your “I will only date a black man who makes over 70,000 a year but will make him wait 4 months and $1,100 worth of dates before he can smell my panties” is working for YOUR love life?"

    …I can't because I never wrote or said that.

  88. @ why so serious? Not necessarily a requirement…. A goal, if you will. 🙂 I wanted to be married for a WHILE just to enjoy eachother before we even thought about children.

  89. Niki. If a woman has a serious problem with penetrative sex or phobia of diseases and lice and crabs… I guess if im into her I can respect that…. but. She better be reaching for the dick and carry a bottle of jergins at all times. I had a relationship like that this year…. and we never had penetrative sex and she never gave me oral. but I felt better at least knowing I wasnt being played or strung along because she STAYED with her shirt splattered.

    kept me on "Empty" and I was less hostile… and she didnt have to "give up the booty" so everyone was happy.

    Men like to hunt…..or men are lazy. which do you think is more accurate. I keep saying this over and over, the black male is like a mountain river in all aspects.

    We are not monsters and we are not cougars stalking prey. Black men are very simple creatures and an aggressive "stalk your prey"/hunting mentality is just not in most of us. I dont think its in white men either.

    I can only speak for my "type" though.

    but sex isnt about hunting. its about manipulation. half the women on here will throw their arms up saying "OMFG YORU AN AZZHOLE HNIC" but let me put it to you like this…

    1)you already know you would sleep with him

    2) your not getting any

    3) Your horny when your with him because you find him sexually arousing

    4) you know he is horny because he finds you sexually arousing

    5)you are physically able to engage in sexual activity

    but you dont…. because you are using the advantage you have to your favor…. or the famous line "he will respect me more" or my favorite "he needs to buy me a $200 bag to prove his worth first" its ALL manipulation thats carried out over a long period of time thus making one word sum it up in my eyes

    tyranny

  90. why so serious

    most women want a "party" and a "ring" and the idea of family. put many women on the spot and ask them if they would marry you without a wedding party and with a makeshift ring…. watch 2/3 of them say no.

    the other 1/3 are the 33% that are married today… the %66 are the ones that get divorced……

    theres a reason why more and more sistas are leaving their marriages. its because in my opinion they want a status symbol or something to check off their check list they all have…. more than they want to give up their own life goals for the sake of another and be a we insted of I.

    just look at this blog for validation of my theory. Some of the same people who speak about marriage are the same people who said they would do a prenup and are the same women who think men should pay for sex and many other inconsistencies.

    our women are initiating marriage more than the men are asking… and then less willing to compromise and change once the marriage is consummated.

    Its why the black divorce rate is so high and we have so many broken homes

  91. @HNIC. Thanks for that. I can understand and appreciate that you don't represent every black man, just like I don't represent every black woman… you are just telling me how "your type" does it, which is great because I'm sure I'll meet "your type" one day.

  92. @HNIC… I agree with your point about SOME women and marriage… now I have a friend whose been engaged SEVEN TIMES. I think that is damned ridiculous. She's been married once and divorced and moved in with some other guy before she was divorced and she is now pressuring him for marriage (which is all after only six months of dating). My cousin that I spoke of earlier, has been engaged FOUR TIMES, married once too a jerk who committed suicide and left two babies fatherless and now she's engaged to another guy. I doubt that both of these women (although I love them very much) really know what it takes to be married.

    On the other hand, there are some great women who want a great partner…someone to share their lives with.. no ulterior motives.

  93. "sex isnt about hunting. its about manipulation"

    It sure is, in the confines of which you describe it and pursuant to your rules. Dating and courtship is almost like a dance. You talk about tango…but just like any dance (except for the slow/fast hip hop grind) ie, ballroom, hand-dancing, cha cha, steppin'..you have a leader and a follower (man and woman respectfully HOPEFULLY). To me its mostly about fun, its about learning about someone (with whom you are well suited). You commence the dance with someone you are attracted to (physically and intellectually), its NOT ABOUT manipulation. Its not about a handbag, a pair of shoes…

    Its about seeing how you match with others. On date two or three how can you really do that once you've introduced physical SE#X. Ive said this before, but its hard enough getting certain people out of your spirit, when you lay down with someone you are laying with them, the people that they had se$x with…(physicallly and spiritually)…so why undertake that ex(cor)cise ???

    again the question still begs how socially savvy are you to require a woman to get naked with you in under 3 dates…to disprove some element of manipulation. If it takes se*x with no strings to prove she is not gaming…something is really wrong. I mean really.

  94. @why so serious – I agree. I dont get this setting marriage date thing. If I am considering spending the REST OF MY LIFE with you I want to make sure I am making a very very good decision. You might not meet that person until your 40 or even 50. It should not matter when you meet them as long as you meet them.

  95. Just my experience, it's very hard to lay down with a man and not catch feelings…. I'm not going to speak in general for women because we do have our "Sex and the Citys" of the world… but after sex, no matter how hard I try to be, there is some hurt when it doesnt work out. Mind you, I don't always go on some crying binge, but sometimes, I'm left thinking, "what if I didn't????"

  96. @Comeback-I agree. To me, sex becomes the most sacred thing in the world once you really get to know the person you're with and with that the dance the couple dances becomes the perfect Missouri waltz or Virginia reel or even step…in the name of love.

    @Nicki-I agree with you too. I do catch feelings cause it's like women allow men inside of them while we are external for them (with the exception of the ejaculate, but to allow that makes it worse). Ugh sometimes being a woman sucks.

  97. @Jaclynn: Damn right it sucks to be a woman sometimes…. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to act "like a boy," like Ciara said.

  98. my type is rare according to what I read on blogs and hear from my female friends.

    but then again the over 6ft, corporate working, nice, joyful, in shape, moral , marriage type brothas like myself dont appeal to many of the current sistas out here in this day…. must be why I am always dateless according to what other people claim.

  99. @Nicki Sunshine – Dating is exhausting but the one you want is not going to fall in your lap. I know it is even harder for women to wait because most of them dont approach men. They wait to be approached. I thought I was going to marry my ex. It didn't workout that way. After that experience I am very very cautious on who i want to get serious with. Just because I love you is not enough to marry you.

  100. @Humble_One: I am definitely one of those old school girls that wait for the man to come to me. I might throw smile or a flirt, but I'm pretty shy, so even that is hard. 🙂 Some men confuse that shyness for stuck up, but I never make the first move.

    PLUS, it's been hammered into my head for years, "let the man choose you!"

  101. Just peeking in, because this story is funny to me, because I have done exactly what ol boy did to her. Not on purpose. Life got busy and they never called me back or I usually don’t not respond though, I mean if they catch me at home or online I say the truth with as much sugar as is needed. Sometimes its just the I think we are better as friends and sometimes it’s the I have gotten more serious with someone else and sometimes its It’s not you its me, I’m a complete flake.

    I don’t think it really is about black women being disposable. I guess because I have exhibited similar behavior and I am far from thinking of ANY BLACK man as disposable. I think many women take something that isn’t that serious for something more serious than it actually is, how serious one is has nothing to do with the amount of time spent together it really doesn’t. I’ve learned that the hard way.

    I never put in more in a relationship when getting to know a man than I want to. I also know that he ain’t your boo, your man, your bf, your fiancé until he tells you he is or he tells you sit your azz down because you are. Don’t believe the hype when a man wants you and is ready he’ll make it known.

    Just thought I’d break the lurk and throw in my two cents. Spend it or save it for a rainy day its all yours!

    -OG

  102. @HNIC – same here. I hear that I am different all the time. I don't think I am different. I've had women look at me weird because I was not begging or trying to sleep with them. They acted like there was something wrong with me.

  103. @Nicki-It has been but I think women need to stop expecting men to run after them because when we do that they have a lot weighing on them. I think at least once a month we should approach one man 😉

  104. Ummmm yeah…so I said it as a joke, but in reality I believe that we attract the things in life that we want. Plain. Simple.

    The minute I said to myself and the universe(read: God) that I was ready to settle down and have a steady relationship and started living with that mentality it/he brought me a thoughtful and respectful man who was open to me and my many inconsistencies. I had to set aside my long list of "to do's" and the "i needs" for someone who just loves me more than I deserve at times. Someone who is able to see past the surface and understands my heart, and because of this I love this man deeply.

    I am only human, I don't claim to have all the right answers nor do I claim to know how to handle every situation, I take it as it comes and let life lead me in the direction that I have set for myself. My GOAL is to be married by 10/12/2010, will I die if it doesn't happen…absolutely NOT. Do I think it will happen…I most certainly do.

    I think therefore I am…it's always been my motto and when I actually apply it it works wonders…no need to fix it if it isn't broken. I want to be married and have a family with a man who loves and supports me. I want to be able to lend the same type of love and support to a man that I both admire and adore. It's not far fetched for me to see that on the horizon…even if I haven't met him I know he's not far away. But my gut tells me that I can stop looking…so I will.

  105. @Jacylnn: I think that should be a challenge for us and all my other single girlfriends. The six month APPROACH HIM challenge. Why does the very thought make me sweat bullets… seriously yaw, I'm getting hot!!!! So sad.

  106. @Teacia-No beautiful or truer words have ever been spoken here on the blog. It's all gonna work, for all of us, I know it will. Just be sure we all have open bars 😉

  107. how socially savy am I if I require one of us to be naked? is this a trick question?

    I am not as advanced as most black women are, and especially as most of the upper tier black women I date are.

    Im just a simple big dumb brute.

    so I actually can be manipulate quite easily as most of you have seen over the past year. But that dosent have much standing over my social savy. I think I have so many friends and loved ones because of my ability to love…. not by my ability to detect deceit and manipulation my dear.

    about marriage. I tell any woman I meet that Im never going to get married but would move in and spend the rest of my life comitted to a woman … just to see what they say. if they say "I WANNA BE MARRIED" then thats not the woman who is going to marry me. I am going to partner with a partner… not a woman who wants a particular title and some jewelry.

    For instance. Miss ER said she wouldnt want a wedding just her man to love her forever and keep his dick in his pants when (shes) not home, ring no ring certificate or not. thats the type of woman I groom to be my bride and leave all the angry black women sittin on their couch eating ben & jerry for the rest of their life 🙂

    Fellas. If you sone surcumb to the pressures women put on us to get married and in change select your life mate based on who will be the most loyal and undying partner…. then the black divorce rate will go down.

    a woman who wants a title and jewlery and a party dosent want to be your undying mate they want to hold an office.

    oh and the "if you dont marry me Im leaving you" line is my favorite. I would wave goodbye in an instant.

    a woman married you because she IS going to spend the rest of her life with you… no matter WHAT. you lose all your money and contract a malady which causes blindness… shes supposed to be bound to you.

    so if she is telling you before you even get married that she can see her life without you…… then she obviously cant hold true to the oath and tenants or matrimony. you should be stupidly and blindly committed to someone before you get married to them. just like your religion… its based on FAITH

    last I checked….

    sex benefits TWO people

    LOVE benefite TWO people

  108. @Teacia… you are definitely inspiring me…. It gets lonely but I do feel better by reminding myself that GOD will give it to me when HE is ready for me to have it.

  109. If a man just straight off told me he never wanted to get married but would move in with me, I'd walk away…just being honest. That' scares me. I need something SECURE. If he moves in, he can move out very easily.. if we're married, it means he is committed to make this work.

  110. nicki sunshine you can fly out here and begin training to HNIC bride camp.

    Theres a strict "athletic" policy for attending though hows your mile time?

    no white T and gold teeth here. I only wear a dogtag and a phone hip holster. I have been a poor black man for my entire life and look like it to this day wit no bling or flair.

    Humble. My sex drive has always been low which works to my advantage when dealing with a dating situation. I find it funny how I seem to be intimate with more women than my other single friend who is a god damn beast sexually. he is like Eric Benne type scary 0_o!

    I guess we can trace that back to women liking and wanting what is not offered. I try to find a woman who wants to perma couple and settle down, love me for me and I am not a huge "fuk me fuk me" person….. and I keep finding cold hearted, money and power lusting, women who want to use me as a squeeze toy.

  111. @HNIC. Sweetie, I don't run… I got a bad knee from track in high BUT I can power walk with the best of them. HA.

  112. Nicki sunshine: former track star you say? oh hell yeah after watching the jamacian team and especially that gal with the braces? ya Ill send your plane ticket tomorrow!

    but seriously…. commitment makes you committed…. not a ceremony
    look how many black women are walking away from marriages.

    If you need a wedding to keep a man then you are already not TRUELY devoted to him.. for richer or for poor and sickness and in health, better or worse.

    ya see, my band director once told me…
    "you dont practice with a garden hose and then expect to put out fires with a fire hose" you need to already be devoted and loving someone BEFORE the event happens…. its not just a switch you can turn on and keep on when the time comes.

    I find it funny how many women say they wanted a prenup before marriage…. yet when you say you wouldnt live with a man forever without getting married the reasoning is because there is nothing that keeps him from moving out…. its amazing the double talkin that goes on.

  113. @HNIC – I cosign much of your #124 post. Sometimes some women come across as if the wedding and ring is more important than the relationship itself. A lot of marriages I have seen that worked had less symbolism and more realism. It seems that some women want to be called a wife more than anything. But there is no thinking afterwards. I wouldn't mind getting married but I would be happy with a monogamous relationship with somebody I love.

  114. Nicki: God will have a man waiting for you when YOU are ready to receive him.

    Hasani…I mean really…for real for real…what the hell are you going on about. It looks like your last 5 posts are INDENTICAL in meaning. The only difference is your choice of wording and analogies…but trust me sweetie we get it. You're a great man, one who deserves to be loved in spite of your recent and temporary income and all of the other things you list that YOU feel makes you a commodity.

    But I got a question for you…what about this attitude, the one you are showing us right now today, makes you such a great catch? What about all of that whining over the last 10 or so posts will attract a woman who can see past your anger and into your heart? Why aren't we, you're blog family, privy to the greatness that is Hasani…the person that you claim everyone gets to meet? I mean damn, we've listened to your rants, been called ungodly names and downright stereotyped and beaten down at every turn by you. Why again can't we get a kindler, gentler, loving Hasani who is the troop leader and the man who spent a grip on taking his mother out, the one that gave his whole heart to a woman for 10 years and who is proud of working his way up through the corporate ladder. Why must we be met with hostility on every front? We love you but you don't seem to love us back…now how again does this attitude make you a great catch?

  115. @Teacia-Wow those are all good and valid questions. I hope we get a good, long answer because I think this harsh exterior is a front to mask pain and hurt.

  116. @Nicki Sunshine – From me observing friends and other people please don't think marriage=secure to all men. If you see a mans actions they should speak for itself. Just because he marries you does not mean he is committed.

  117. "“you dont practice with a garden hose and then expect to put out fires with a fire hose” you need to already be devoted and loving someone BEFORE the event happens…. its not just a switch you can turn on and keep on when the time comes."

    did I miss something??? so you get this by her trying out for the se$xcapades.

    "so I actually can be manipulate quite easily as most of you have seen over the past year. But that dosent have much standing over my social savy"

    why doesn't it??? can a person who is easily manipulated able to claim socially "savvy"?? I can see through most people right away. But the bullshy#t dectector should pick up disingenuous from the gate.

    aka as intuition…God gave it to you for protection.

  118. @HNIC: Yes, former track star hon. LOL. I never said I wanted a prenup. Hell, I am NOT BALLING like that.

    @Jaclynn: I think since we are fabulous women, we should not have to hunt for them.

  119. @Humble_One: I agree with you… which is why I want that GOD given man….. Surely he comes without the crap.

    @Teacia: I second that.

  120. Yes, I would have to co-sign with Humble-One on that one Nicki, marriage doesn't protect you form heart break or him being or becoming a jerk. It does make sure he pays dearly for that behavior in community property states. Marriage is a lot harder than you can EVER imagine. I really think more women nee to hear that instead of thinking it will be some romantic comedy starring Morris Chestnut.

    I guess I would say as a former divorcee if I were to ever marry again it would be something that I felt I HAD to do or was compelled like there was no other choice but to marry the person because well it was our only option. Ironically that was the same advice the minister gave my ex and I before we married, I didn't really get what he meant then, now I do.

    If you are serious about marriage then it needs to be with someone you are committed to loving until death because if you are then you will put in the work to make it work, because you feel you have no other option.

    For the record I am oh so cool with never marrying again! I like my life as it is, but I know that could change too!

    -OG

  121. @OG… I have another friend who is a divorce' and she's over 40 but she spits that same advice you gave. And I appreciate you for sharing it.

    @Jacylnn: Can we have a stop chickenheads campaign? They are ruining it for the good women. Can I get an Amen??? 🙂

  122. Hey guys, it's closing time for me so I'm out for the day. Thanks for the enlightenment guys and have a beautiful day! 🙂

  123. @Jaclynn & Nicki Sunshine – The chickenheads are a small but POWERFUL group. Good women have to bring them to an end. They are good at hiding too. They have degrees, professional jobs, etc. If you guys don't move fast they will have every good man left ruined. lol

  124. Why does marriage always have to be "work"….

    I have a crazy idea in that I don't think marriage should be "work". If we all could quit "work" tomorrow, and be paid the same salary, I bet 98.5% of us leave without saying anything. Am I correct? So why is marriage viewed as work?

    We focus entirely too much on titles, expectations, timelines, salaries, "lists" etc to simply enjoy the freakin person we're with. The title of marriage gets in the way of beautiful relationships.

    HNIC you have some good points. Everyone does, really…

  125. Testing the waters….

    It seems that a lot of people think that she slept with homeboy too soon. What is too soon? Are we talking Joan from "Girlfriends" 3-month rule? I want to know what people feel about the rules before engagement.

    I met a guy a few weeks ago (like 3) and he's bangin' (to me at least). He's often making sexual comments towards me (on the phone, and being touchy feely in person etc.) Let's just say it's been a dry year for moi and I want to jump his bones (do ppl still say that?). I'm not going to! But, he can definately get the business someday (women, we know right of the bat).

    That's my scenerio. But, just generally, how do people feel about giving it up too soon? Or (more so for the men) getting it too soon? Can it kill a future relationship?

    I've heard (from him) we're both grown so their's nothing wrong. But I factor in self-worth and love actually being a factor in sex. My faith plays the biggest role here too. I like to ask myself WWJD? from time to time.

  126. @Cuzzo-Jesus would probably not give in. He was good at fighting temptation. Lol…if he's banging and you know he's gonna get it…give him oh say three real dates. Try hard to get to know him and then there ya go.

  127. Also…who/where's the person/site with the financial advice? Sallie Mae is on my behind like a mutha! They call the house, the cell, and now work. And at work they talk to anyone and everyone they can get a hold of, to get to me. I avoid them like the plague based on another person's advice.

  128. Cuzzo, what do you want out of the relationship? Ask yourself this—do you honestly think you know this man well enough to be sleeping with him? There are too many diseases out there to be rushing into a sexual relationship with someone.

  129. J – Do house dates count? lol I'm cooking for him tonight.

    Shelia – I do enjoy his company. I would like to be friends more than anything because he lives in my neighborhod and I don't really know anyone around where I live.

  130. @ Cuzzo…Mikki is our resident debt doctor. Sallie Mae should not be avoided though…can't you ask for a deferrement, extention, whatever.

    MIKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ????!!!! I'll email her and see what she says.

  131. @Cuzzo – It depends on the man. If it has been I while for you I would understand. From my experience a woman usually tells you indirectly if she sleeps around with anybody. But to find that out it takes time. Just because you had sex with me quick does not mean I will look at you any different. It could be I just caught you at the right time. lol

  132. Cuzzo, be careful. Don't go jumping into it too soon. You're in the getting to know him stage. You're in a new neighborhood. To him, you're like fresh meat. Take the time to know him. He might be someone meant to be more than friends, but then again he might not be. Just be careful and don't expect something more from this person you just met.

  133. I agree with Shelia. I haven't heard much about you doing anything outside of your home. Have you spent a bit of ("non-phone) face to face time with him??? And I don't really understand the comment about he lives in your neighborhood??? is that a requirement? Or is it that him being close makes it convenient?

    its hard to make suggestions when folks have already decided. Bright eyed and bushy tailed much. But follow your gut. I'm pretty sure too that Jesus would suggest some woo-ing, not sure if he would be mackin' and finding tons of sexu#al innuendo in his convo.

  134. @Cuzzo-House dates…? Reference the above with SBM's post. Any real dates?

    @Humble-Please don't go out tonight searching for someone who's in need and vulnerable I mean gee whiz, give a girl some time 😉 furthermore, I think some guys who are less "worldly" than you might lose respect for a girl who gives it up too soon. That's your "type".

  135. @Jaclynn – Actually if I like you I will hold off sleeping with you. I want to get to know as much as possible before it gets physical. Sex can sometimes mess up a good situation.

  136. Not a requirement but, I'd like to have a friend in my neighborhood. If either of us wants to see each others' face, I don't have to get on the bus. We haven't had (or made) the time to go on "real" dates yet.

    I know I put a scenerio out there but I wasn't looking for advice on it. More so just wanted general opinions about everyone's take on the rules.

    Something like what "Humble_One" mentioned.

  137. yall are all a mess!! i guess i'm not the person to give sex/dating advice…i just do what feels right to me. if i feel there are some things left to concern me than i may hold off for a while, but if i'm feeling the vibe AND the moment is right well then hell it's on and poppin…but that's just me, to each his own.

    …and that "Mikaaaay" was PRICELESS….lmao!!!

  138. But I do want to hear something about this: Is it too soon (or even OK) to ask him…what the hell do you want from me?

    He basically (how do I put this nicely) "hunted" me down in his car to get my number.

  139. ummm, you can just free fall through it and ask no questions…go with your gut..u know a little intuition. i say the "where is this going" and "what do you want from me" questions are overrated, played and unnecessary. we're all adults and whether or not we want to really pay attention to what someone's indirect language is telling us, the reality is that you already know the answer to that question….and if you don't then you definitely may want to hold off for a minute until you do.

    but the real question is, "are you willing to accept the truth?"…because it's right in front of you miss lady.

    …free fall through this b*tch we call LIFE if you will…you may be surprised where you land…but then again you may not be…however this is just my opinion…to each his own.

  140. I agree with Teacia. I wouldn't even ask the question, but that's just me. His actions should dictate what he wants from you. You already know one of the things he wants. Ask yourself are you ready for it and are you ready to accept the consequences (whether good or bad) if you go that route?

  141. Thank you Teacia. It is right there, ain't it.

    why oh why?!? he is just too fine….lol

    oh well. back to the old drawing board.

  142. sheeeiiit, or you can get yours and keep it moving…lol…man i give into my hormones alot. but i have been labeled, "liberal with the undies" by a certain member of the SBM fam…oh well, i have a man so i must be doing something right.

  143. why am I a great catch?
    Im not, Im the same black man who was not worth dating 12 years ago when I was last single…. so is humble_one.
    What makes us desirable is that there are now less of us and more of you. supply and demand.
    forget my physical attributes and income for a minute…. Im a man im black and I will always be a catch to women looking to start a household because I have more monogamy time than any 5 niggas you can add together. Just like if I was going to start a basketball team, Im gonna pick the guys who have experience playing basketball… not the guy who has experience building a fortune 500 company.

    so humble and I offer a nice contrast to joe thug "shareef hood" "jay player" and "the pocket rocket".. lets not forget "ben & jerry."

    never forget your worth black men, they need us more than we need them now a days… not the other way around.

  144. Cuzzo: its manipulation any way you slice it. If you want it and he wants it and you want him to want you… your holding off because ….? you want him to respect you? I hope he isnt one of my types. You will have a bitter brotha on your hands who may resent you down the road.

    Cuzzo: Fuk it.. ask the question. Where do we stand nicca. All of us single men hate the question.. and yes it may make things awkward and even and usually will force us men to shy away or run. But for some reason in this situation I think you should ask…. call it gut feeling. but if hes not hittin and you dont love him… theres really no reason for you to ask since you dont really have any claim, right?

    My number one complaint about yall sistas is that you will go on a date with a guy and then relegate us to being used like a pair of shoes. You call us on the weekend if your bored and you call us if you need to "get off." if we need to get off your busy or cant call us back, if we call you just to chit chat …. your busy as well. Yet the belief is we are supposed to not wonder off or have intrest in another woman. And it all starts with "gurl I know he wants to hit it.. ima make him wait though"

    shit, Im glad I am at an age where I can usually out wait most of ya'll but the manipulation still goes one. I seriously feel bad for the younger brothas I needed sex so much when I was 19 it was crazy.

    Cuzzo: us single black men are resourceful… we will hunt you down and go over some bushes to get to you… run too far though and we stop chasing you wolverines and go for chicken… cuz white meat is much easier to catch, eat and digest :p

  145. Hasani…ROTFLMAO!!! Get a grip…just in case you hadn't noticed, sisters are stepping out now…good, bad or indifferent…ONLY being black just isn't cutting anymore.

    …and as you stated there are plenty of women on this blog and in the real world who will live out the rest of their days single before settling for mediocrity…just thought i should give you the heads up.

    I for one NEED a man to complete my life, despite popular belief I/we do need them, just as much as you need us…but oh well, you're not my problem…so i'm good.

  146. I just want to see where is head is. Is he thinking: lemme see if I can hit (i.e. add on to the arsenal of chicks I already have)? or lemme see what she's about bc I want XYZ in a woman or friend?

    But the former, he probably would not admit. Though, I have come across a dude or two like that. I don't think there is anything wrong with letting someone know your intentions. Hey, I just wanna chill and screw from time to time. Not lookin for no girl…or I already have one. That then leaves it up to the other person to decide if they want to get involved or not.

  147. ^^^

    I don't think you really need a verbal disclosure for that. You can ascertain really what a man is all about in his CONVERSATION, in him keeping his word, in the way in which he pursues you, in how he spends his free time.

    some times we go on these mental roller coasters we dont necessarily have to take…all in the name of "i got somebody to love me this week". What about self love. What about other relationships that we as women neglect. just my two cents.

  148. Lmao comeback at "resident debt doctor" Thank you sista for filling in, my boss is on my izzaz!! ok

    Cuzzo, sallie mae is nothing to play with, if you have a job and you keep on ignoring them they will grab your paycheck like a squirrel trying to catch a nut!! If you don't in fact have the money, as comeback said there are ways to work with them.

    1. ask for deferment – normally called a hardship request, where they will ask you for proof that you can't pay at all.

    2. Payment plan – Depending on how much you owe they can work something out very reasonable. First step is call and ask, tell them what you honestly can afford to pay without missing a beat (because again if u stop paying they will be on you like white on rice). They make ask you for copies of bills n stuff.

    hopefully that helps but again if you have a job, and or a bank account with money in it, YOU NEED TO ANSWER THE PHONE!

  149. Make too much for a "hardship" request or a different payment plan (can't afford the current one they have me on). I'm only avoiding them now because they can never give me any other option. It's not a gov loan so I've been told that they cannot garnish my wages.

  150. Want dating broken down the way I know it?
    well check out the way I see things and the way my master tells it http://dailytmi.blogspot.com/

    This is how us 30 something single black, tall educated, working no kid having , salsa dancing, fun loving , non hood, brothas from the jersey/NY area are looking at it.
    Sound off if you wish.. love if you wish… just show your opinion and a bit of love/hate..
    but its like that… and thats the way it (really)is.

  151. what about self love? the self love and over too much of self love is whats destroying our "black love"

    damn yall just dont get it yet. I havent been on the soapbox in a few weeks, I have been chillin.

    but I think I need to make a webisode about black love.

    before you open your trap … or your trap…. think about 2 things.

    Whats wrong with black love and whats wrong with the black divorce rate.

    next think

    am I doing anything for this right now…

    if you are fuckin some nigga raw, just because you think hes hawt and worth trapping wit a baby… YOUR PART OF THE FUCKING PROBLEM

    If your a dude who keeps a "hit list" of all of the chicks you have gotten separate things from "YOUR PART OF THE FUCKING PROBLEM"

    if your a baby mother and your in the club? "YOUR PART OF THE FUKIN PROBLEM"

    if your steppin out on your husband to try something new and list your pedigree about why you shouldnt "be wit this deadbeat nigga" "YOUR PART OF THE PROBLEM

    if your a brotha coupling with a chick who you know is "a nut ass joint" just because the pussy is crazy, knowing the fallout is going to be horrid (looks in the mirror and slaps himself… twice) YOUR PART OF THE PROBLEM.

    if your an angry black woman…. your part of the fucking problem!

    if your a deadbeat parent.. your part of the problem

    If you think marriage is a right and not an honor.. your part of the problem.

    And if you cant love another person and cherish life on THEIR terms and not by what you think it should be on your stupid nutty ass check list…. you are SO part of the problem.

  152. So cuzzo Sae mae = credit card? there is a difference between federally backed loans and credit cards/bank loans.

    If its just a regular ole bank loan your right they can't bother unless they sue and win but anything thats says dept of ed or "sallie mae" I would be calling….. government doesn't have to sue you to get money they just take it.

    As far as other options there aren't any that I know of, if you let the account go to collections it messes up your credit report, eventually they will get around to sue, but that can be a long time. You can just not pay then deal with it when you actually have the money to start making the payments.

    if you just want them to stop calling just send a letter certified that says stop calling, and they actually will.

    sorry sbm don't x me

  153. I think self love is CRITICAL. And we aren't teaching it enough in our communities. Its not just about our worth, about our collective and individual beauty, our intelligence. Its about knowing (in relationship terms) that NO ONE PERSON can love that in you if you don't first LOVE IT IN YOURSELF.

    All of the things that you see as an epidemic destorying the black community (dead beat fathers, women with children whose priorities are all messed up, women who are emotionally unstable time bombs and nutjobs, angry black women etc. etc. are culmination of people who don't REALLY love who they are. They seek validation by HAVING someone else. Another person can't give you what you should first SEEK in yourself. Thats why you have needy women (who can't function if they don't have a man), its why you have needy MEN (who would sacrafice their own self worth and antonomy for a relationship.)

    Being a couple is great. There is UNPARRALLED beauty in a union. But i would venture to say that I am behind (in my early 30s) because I've made some not so smart decisions. For a long time I sought some of my identity in another. And you can't do that. You have to be a whole, complete, SELF sustaining, EMOTIONALLY SOUND person, before entering a healthy union and thusly you should be seeking THAT in another person.

  154. @Comeback-You are absolutely correct. People always say things are their better or more significant half…well…I think we have to all realize that we are not halves of anything and it someone is your half and they leave then all you got is a fourth. Who the hell wants that? I think we need to realize that we love ourselves then once we have achieved that unconditional love for ourselves we need to show it to others. I have an interesting little tidbit I think all the women here would find interesting but I think it works both ways-basically it says we need to look, think, act and feel like we don't need a man or woman. We need to look self-sufficient. We should not walk around looking like boo boo the fool with uncombed hair etc. because a potential mate might look at that as us needing them. That should not be the case. Beyond that, when you get into a relationship I think things should improve even though they are already great.

  155. "should not walk around looking like boo boo the fool with uncombed hair etc. "

    I plead the fifth when I'm going to starbucks at like 545 am when I'm thinking aint nobody really lookin.

    "I have an interesting little tidbit I think all the women here would find interesting but I think it works both ways-basically it says we need to look, think, act and feel like we don’t need a man or woman"

    I agree here too. I mean I KNOW that my ace boom coon, my other half, the love of my life, husband, all that and a bag of chips IS COMING. Am I am getting my Sh##%% together now. I dont want to bring a lot of samsonite (ok not samsonite… DVF carry ons).

  156. and I expect him to have his sh##$t checked too. This goes back to attracting those in which you are ready for. I don't want junk, unevolved thinking, old ways of doing things, etc…cause I'm not bringing that. I am EXPECTING HIS personal best cause thats what I am bringing. And it is on its way. AMEN and so it is.

  157. @Comeback-Amen to all that. I think alot of the women on the blog are getting their shit together to get that mate thing done. And absolutely check that luggage. Make sure TSA goes through what you do carry-on to make sure there is nothing detrimental!

  158. trust me, your types do TOOO MUCH self love. your whole life is revoled around what you can get and what you can do for yourselves.
    our community was based around doing for eachother.
    I mena come the fuck on, can you honestly say you do for anyone else other than yourself?
    I dont even have to know you to know your type…… I dont have to hang with you everyday to know your type isnt exactly going to take the local girlscouts out, isnt running old ladies around or mentoring local 20somethings and co-eds on how to get where you are…. and if you are PLEASE STOP.

    This self love is just utter crap. does your bible even SAY to put yourself before others? I dont really think it does. Dont give me that love yourself before you can love another crap..
    our community is too selfish and our middle class women are leading the way of this new revolution. Your type is causing the destruction…. mine is part of the answer.

  159. Why am I trying to argue??

    Your still going to be single when I have my first child and buy my 2nd home……

    my type is going to love and build lots of friends and family and make the woman next to me feel like she is the happiest woman in the world. Im going to make sure my godson and nephew grow up to be champions of the next generation of black men.

    yall can still be 36 and fudging around with old episodes of girlfriends and sex & the city while eating ben&jerry on the couch. dying your hair exotic colors still tryin to look "fly" and buying more gucci sunglasses to promote your "self love"

    Ever look at Paris hilton? shes cute…. but her looks is a result of being pampered.

    Ever look at Michelle Obama? Her beauty radiates because she is loved by another… not because she self loves.

  160. "does your bible even SAY to put yourself before others?"

    I'll let you believe what you must. One thing I won't get into is whose more giving and charitable…I don't think that's really for public consumption and display. And I don't do it for people to like me.

    I will say this, I sleep dam#n well at night. Goodnight.

  161. @Hasani-I'm pretty damned certain you're not talking to me but I will say this. It is beyond evident by the THREE articles I have read featuring Michelle Obama that she loves herself. She has stated that she does what it takes to do for herself independent of what Barack is doing and where he is. I have spent time volunteering, want to start a non-profit for teen moms and love seeing others smile, but I know how to take time for myself. I think like all things self-love should be done in moderation.

  162. Your misconstrewin the shit my sista.

    when you self love as your goal in life … its not the same with bein happy with yourself and loved by another…. and loving them back equally.

    her life is based around the fact that she is married and a mother.. being married and a mother is not based around herself.

    shes not pampered.. she is rich … now… but shes not pampered. shes loved. huge difference.

    shes not worshiped, her husband is her partner and not her playtoy.

    Paris hilton looks pampered, because she pampers herself….. now dont get me wrong I LOVE Paris Hilton. Shes my favorite. Im kickin Michelle out of bed for her any day. but seriously, I can see the difference between their beauty. People dont see paris hilton and tell her she looks like she is glowing from love.

    Do I sleep well at night? I havent slept a night in my own bed in a long time… like may or something.

    NO, I wouldnt sleep well at night. I hate to sleep…. and I hate it because theres nobody there with me anymore. Not how I want to spend my life… ya know… sleeping alone.

    but if its a point others want to actuallY BRAG that they sleep well alone.. hey "DO YOU MA!"

    I was put on this planet to love others, not love myself

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