Preliminary Rounds

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I want to personally thank everyone for helping me to hit 400 comments yesterday.  It’s all surreal sometimes!  Also … I’m on MySpace (http://www.myspace.com/singleblackmale).  Please be my friend …. plllleeeeeaaaaasssseeeee!!!
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It’s a battlefield out here when it comes to dating!

You have women looking to just use your money and time.  Then you got guys looking for nothing but sex and willing to lie to get it.  Its way too easy to get caught up wasting time with the wrong person.

The first date … generally the first real attempt at getting to know someone … is of great importance.  But … people have jobs, kids, friends, and personal pursuits … so who wants to waste a bunch of time and money on bad, boring, and pointless first dates.

I don’t care what any woman says … but a bad first date is a lot more detrimental for men.  Not only is it a complete waste of time, but there is also the wasted effort in planning and executing the perfect date.  Worst off … the wasted money.  That $50 could have bout 10 lap dances (I love PG County strip clubs …) and helped contributed to some poor girl’s college fund.

So how do you guarantee your time and money aren’t wasted?  How do you ensure your not stepping into the car with a psycho?  How do you make sure this person is someone you will actually want to take home?  That’s easy …

See Also:  Take Away: An Invaluable Lesson

The Preliminary Rounds … aka “The Qualifiers”

Everyone does it even if you don’t know it.  We all have some system we use before granting “personal audience” with another person.

Its just like the Olympics … if your going to invest the time and money to fly someone to the other side of the globe to represent you … you don’t want some 30 minute mile loser wearing your flag on your back as they get stop to take a breather in the middle of the race and finish behind Kazakhstan.

Just to make sure your exercising due diligence with good qualifiers to weed out the “slum joints” … here is SBM’s short list qualifiers:

Online Research

Whether its Facebook, MySpace, Match.com, or just Google … the internet can be a wealth of information and may reveal little things like secret girlfriends, friendships with your ex, or the fact have 3 other girlfriends.

Friends

If you have a mutual friend … you’ve hit gold … especially if they like you more.  Now you can get the honest opinion of this person from someone else.  Serial cheater, disgustingly stupid, or just a chronic liar … your friend just might be able to justify or (unjustify) a first date.

See Also:  Stop Breastfeeding: How to be an Attractive Man

Good Ol’ Conversation

Talk time is a must!  No matter if you’ve employed the above.  You can really get a feel for a person, get a good idea if their crazy, and possibly find out if their one of those “I don’t give head individuals” (promptly inform them to kill themselves BTW).  This one is the most basic … but the the most likely to fail you (people lie!).

There it is.  Before you make that “jump” … make sure your qualifying people out here.  Too many golddiggers, liars, wannabe players, stalkers, and people with a different relationship age out here.  And combine methods when possible … can’t be too safe.

I know some people have the “I’ll go on a first date with anyone” mentality … and I’m gonna say to shut that sh*t up now.  You got better things to be doing with your time.  And your not a player, a pimpette, or whatever dumba$$ term you wanna use … your just a date whore.

SBM Family … I need more.  What qualifiers did I miss?  What’s working for you?

Comment(214)

  1. mini background checks. if you say you own a house I have a site that will tell me if you really do. if you say you are divorced..I can check that as well. I needs to make sure the ink is dry and the judge has signed off! People who are not on ANY social networking site for some reason set off a little alarm but then on the other hand I say to myself maybe they just dont want anyone from work in their business or inspector gadgets like myself nosing around. BUT uh ..yeah even all of that plus your preliminaries SBM that you listed wont guarantee that your not wasting your GAT DAMN TIME!

    Oh and I hate men who lie about their age. Sir, I looked you up and you are not ____ (fill in the age)

    crazy i tell ya

    FIRST!

  2. i check the local sex offenders list too…i hate sickos…

    other than that, i just go with my gut. if he insists on our first date be at my house or his, i get a lil' wary b/c i make it clear up front that i will not be going to any stranger's house or allowing him to come to mine…we need to be in a public place…with witnesses; also if he acts waaaay too "thirsty" before our first date (i.e. the guy who would call twice, email, and text me all before I had even gotten to work) then he might be a crazy and that's a red flag

  3. LOL @ Jolie's first.

    Idk, I don't have much to say about the subject, I like Bree am a gut check chic so I don't sweat…my intuition is usually on point and it hasn't failed me yet.

  4. I used to have NO qualifiers for who I took out on a first date. as long as she didnt have a Y chromosome and was "single" I took her out.

    I have discovered my "worth" now as a 30 something black male and am comfortable with what I have now so the laundry list to get a date with me is rather extensive.

    you missed things like Body fat. I dont care about a womans weight, I just care if she is sloppy.

    "michelle obama factor" is this a woman who wants me to shine or us to shine more than she wants to make herself shine? is she a sista who has to constantly "check dis nigga" or put me "in my place" when she deems it? As a BLACK man, I think the most important factor in a woman is what she does for your ego and self esteem (one of our two biggest weaknesses)

    "shes so well spoken" For what I do and what I intend to do in my community I myself know I need a partner and a woman who can "work a room" with me. Miss May is a perfect example. She was a swimsuit model and obviously very smart, working on a double PHD, but ya couldnt get her to talk to anyone and couldnt take her anywhere.

    "can you buy me…."

    a woman who asks for anything will never get anything from me. yes I know, Im the guy who just bought a woman a $800 watch. but there are too many women out here trying to use a man. I suggest steering clear of any woman who asks for anything…. that includes sex. because in the long run that woman is not going to need you or want you when you cant produce for her.

    "oh dat nigga was a DAWG…."

    I play this game with EVERY woman I meet, much less date. I always goad them into telling me a story about their ex. but I always preface it by starting off calling him a slacker or "that poor bastard who couldnt handle you." If a woman then goes on a tangent about how bad her ex was or how he was not worth her time thats tons of minus points there gentlemen. You then follow that up with "pfft, that lazy nigga… does he still try and call you and beg you back" if you put it like that most women will fall into the trap and tell the truth. if she says yes, I have a 100% dump you rate for women who do this. My godmother told me never trust a woman who leaves a loving man.

    ya I know, Ive come a long way since January.

  5. Good Morning Everyone,

    I think the best qualifier is conversation and spending time with that person. I am pretty good at finding out the type of person you are off of that. Most people will tell you the type of person they are pretty fast. You have to have the tools to be able to decipher their words and actions. My ex told me who she was within the first 5 months. A thick woman with 36DDs, flat stomach, wide hips, a master's degree and owns a copy of Only Built 4 Cuban Links was kryptonite to me at that time.

  6. Let's see…here's the ridiculous thing about me…I possess said skills to research you…BUT I'm trying to hone my gut skills…thereby I haven't been doing a lot of Googling as of late. However, my girlfriends sure can run be ragged with that crap in fact I've sat homes at night to verify shit online for them before I duck out and please don't let me forget the one friend I have who let a guy tell her he was 36 while he was 41 and they had been together FIVE years. (She's my age) Somebody please do the math. I think he should be on Bree's Sex Offender List. Jerk. Anyways…other than that…you have to have some intelligence about yourself and at least show me you're somewhat intelligent. My first deal breaker is too much slang or improper English…I can't stand it.

  7. @jolie fatale – Are you F.B.I? C.I.A? Can anyone do those checks or do you need some type of special clearance.

    @SBM – I think the qualifying through a friend only works when that friend is reputable. I got hooked up with my ex it was through her sister. If I knew her sister better maybe I would have went in with a little more suspicion. Hindsight is always 20/20.

  8. @Humble-"A thick woman with 36DDs, flat stomach, wide hips, a master’s degree and owns a copy of Only Built 4 Cuban Links was kryptonite to me at that time."

    So I see just a couple of things here. A pretty woman, nice body and good taste in music..this is good, but was there any other substance? Caring about other people? Knowing that the world doesn't revolve around her? Was there anything that made her more than an educated dime-piece? Help me out here because we all know what kryptonite did to Superman…so is this hooking up through a friend you don't know well not so good of an idea?

  9. @Jaclynn – I was young and didn't know at the time. I knew her sister. I even hung out with her a few times. I didnt know her well. My boy at the time kicked it with her but he was just as silly as her sister so he wasn't a reliable source. In hindsight it was a bad idea.

  10. @Jaclynn – masters degree does not = educated. I had to learn that too. I was more educated than her and she has more degrees than me.

  11. @Humble-I see that hindsight and foresight is working rather well for you. You're absolutely right…I'd say one or two of the most educated and well rounded people I know have never sat for a college class. Beyond that, some people have natural ability to earn degrees but they don't take advantage of any of the other things that would make a person educated, classy or cultured.

  12. I am one of those gut instinct girls, I think women are born with "female intuition." It hasn't failed me once… There are times were I've opted not to pay attention to it and let someone's mouth convince me otherwise, and ALL TIMES, I've lived to regret it…

    Women, trust yourself ALWAYS. 🙂

  13. @Jaclynn – lol…i'm with you, i can't STAND someone who speaks poorly….you gets nowhere with me. also i pay attention to how they talk to me and the types of questions they ask me to get cues on whether or not they're possessive, jealous, retarded, angry, etc.

    @Nicki – PREACH…this lady in church one time who was trying to get advice on investing her money into something that she didn't "feel right" about. i told her God gave us intuition for a reason and every one of us can say that when we listen to it, we feel better for it and everytime we haven't, we regretted it. Intuition folks, go get you some! LOL

  14. @Humble – for the most part, criminal records are public…you can check the persons local corrections department. there are sites that will look through all corrections department records for a fee.. .www.felon.com (i think) is one

  15. SBM – A combination of all that you mentioned. Also listen more than you talk. A person will tell you "how they are" if you pay attention.

    Sidenote: Ref bad first date(you know I would go there)…let's call it equal as detrimental, because it also affects a woman's time and effort that she takes to prepare for the date as well as the money she's spent to get ready for said date — If you spent $50 on the date, she spent more on her outfit, hair and nails. So for the sake of discussion, let's say it's one of those things that it is bad on both sides.

  16. @Bree-Yep, it's awful. I minored in English so that would outright kill me and girl, those public records searches can be great sometimes.

    @Nicki-I'm fabulous…just enjoying my morning preparing to get out of here…

  17. " your just a date whore."

    Why do I get my feelings hurt reading some of these passages today LOL. Oh he#ll oh well.

    If we are going somewhere together (after the second or third date) I like to observe how a man drives. I don't really deduct for speed (cause I'm kinda of a fast driver myself), but I DO deduct for failing to yeild, failure to signal, cutting people off (ive written about this before). I've deaded situations over a man's driving. Its not pretty. Also the way you treat a waitress/server etc. To me these are indicators. I watch very closely how you interact and treat other people.

    I also pay attention to how he talks about women in their past. I can tell if a man has not brought closure to his situation. I can tell if he generally hates women and is "faking the dating funk". And I can also tell if he COULD be a (downloader-as my mama likes to call them). Gay men over pronounce my name. Last syllable followed by the last vowel. If you lay to hard on the "NAY" in Tiffany…we got a MAJOR problem.

    that is all for now.

  18. Jolie – these day and times doing background checks is almost a necessity.

    Bree/Teacia/Jaclynn/Nikki – Our intuition is one of our most powerful assets; if we listened to it 100 percent of the time, it sure would save us plenty of heartaches and headaches. I think the issue is some people ignore the warning signs.

    Humble One – Common sense trumps many degrees in certain situations. What folks say, that person had plenty of book sense…but not an ounce of common sense and you need commen sense to deal with day to day issues.

  19. @Sheila: My pastor said something like that one Sunday…. if you are quiet long enough, a fool will tell you who they are (I think, don't quote me!)

    @Comeback: I agree on listening to him talk about women in his past… I listen for "bitter" words… and also ask about his relationship with his Mom.

    @Jaclynn: Are you relocating AGAIN???!!!!

  20. "I also pay attention to how he talks about women in their past."

    The Comeback Girl paying attention on how he treats others, says about his mama, exes, etc are important things to watch for. I recall going out a few times with this guy and then one day he happened to be at his mom's house when he called me. I heard someone fussing in the background. He had the nerve to call her a "B****" to me. I'm like if you call your own mom a B*** you have no respect for women. I actually told him that and he couldn't understand why I wouldn't go out with him anymore.

  21. Totally agree Sheilia…its like waiting for the other shoe to fall, if a man would call anyone a bytch in present company, you already know the words he'll reserve for you when he gets mad enough-and to your face.

    Mama's are complex. Im looking for some middle grown. Of course you can't be a mama hater (theres a place in hell for you), but you can't be a nipple sucker either. And there's alot of men who are lookin for mama replacements.

    I don't wanna be no man's mama.

  22. @Comeback-"nipple sucker" cute lol…beyond that I like to see how specifically he treats his Mama. Does he do for her, but still do for himself?

    Oh yes and when he talks about his ex's are they always the bad ones or can he admit his faults?

  23. Mornin all.

    The best thing is to have a good friend who is either a cop or works in any part of the law enforcement. All they need is a licence plate number. I have found that some of these websites that do "background" checks for 19.99 are records that are already public and they dont show you pending warrants or restraining orders either.

    Smart women always do their homework!!

  24. As far as the mama thing, sometime you have to be careful. You may find a dude that is all about his mama. (stone cold mama's boy). The mama all in is business and he doesnt really find anything wrong with it. He will move hell and earth for her at any time. For example: you're on a date with a man who loves you and his mama almost equally. Y'all kickin it havin a good time. Things are heatin up and your headed back home…mama's blowin up the cell and he says, mama called I gotta go, I'll call you.

  25. I can't do the Mama's boy either… I just want him to respect her and not have any "mommy" issues, as I like to call them…

  26. @humble: I am not CIA or FBI. BUT I WILL BE CSI for someone who i believe may be a perp as in perpetrating who and what he says he is. I can let you in on the sites to go to in your area. I am best here in the DMV though. Naggas like to tell you they own something because YOU DO and then you find out sir.. you dont own you rent. JUST OWN UP to it. I could use a live in .. especially in this economy. Anywho, yeah you can do all the checking in the world and still go out with someone who lacks CLASS and who embarasses you in front of the waitress asking for Catalina dressing and saying he likes menus with pictures. ( YES THIS HAPPENED)

  27. @ Jolie Imma have to disagree a little. I hate some of those sites just because they are a slippery slope. There's one that you can find assets, tax ids, professional licenses.

    Im not gonna lie I have done one or two look sees on sexual offender index's, checked a few prison records, looked for some warrants etc. And even went on "don't date him girl". I found that what I was tryna look for-I already knew. And that was SOMETHING was wrong. I usually don;t like to hang around long enough to find out exactly what it is.

    but on the flip side, I like to honor privacy and I don't think a man needs to really know what I own and in which state I owned it in (particularly before our first date). Nor do I think my tax id is of any importance to our dating situation.

    A date really is its own fact finding mission. Any other creepiness i feel doesn't require a date. but just a simple no thankyou.

  28. why so's theory on dating: I just had a talk about this last nite, lol

    Through my week, i do fun and interesting stuff. With woman or no woman. If there's a woman that I meet, i'll suggest she come along on the usual randomness i do. It's usually cheap stuff, but creative and fun/exciting.

    no expectations, no disappointments, no nothing….It can go as far or short as we want – it's not a date. if by [slim] chance she didn't like me, she can dip like a celery stick. "i don't kiss on the first date"….it's not a date mwahahahaha

    we put much emphasis on the dating and details (what ima wear), and less emphasis on the connection with the other person. When you break it down, we're just hanging out. It's not so serious….

    and that's my question. why so serious?

  29. @comeback: the thing of it is.. sometimes a simple google search will find it all out without even exploring. A guy i was going out on a blinddate with googled my name and the darn Washington Post article came up from when I purchased my home. First thing out his mouth, "so your a homeowner?" I defintely dont tell anyone I go a snooping and when he said that to me it confirmed why… it was kinda creepy.. especially since i wasnt going to have him pick me up

  30. lol….and all that background check isht….what with you do without google, or background checks, or "don't date him.com"?

    it's a bit extreme i think.

  31. @ why I do think women do have to be cautious. Many a woman ended up in the back of some strange man's trunk because he "seemed nice". I think measured ***SOME*** basic checks arm women to feel like they have a certain amount of control over their personal safety, not just their dating lives.

  32. why so: it is extreme and only on a case by case basis like in the case of a blinddate where you just have a name and some vague info. I mean friends mean well but sometimes well.. they just suck at the whole setting people up thing. Just because I like chicken and he likes chicken doesnt mean we are a match!

  33. @why so? before there was google and such…we used the grapevine and before I got into a fellas car, I would call and give one of my besties his first and last name as well as his tag number…if i end up in the trunk of some car, they'd at least have a lead. LOL You're right, a first date is just to kick it…but single women have to be safe as well considering all the crimes committed against us. I don't care what a dude owns or doesn't own, that's not my business. I don't want to be too nosey. I just want to know he's not going to kill me or inappropriately touch my little girl (if he ever gets to meet her, that requires much much more in the way of getting to know you).

    Did some dude seriously call his mom a b*tch to a girl he didn't know that well? OMG…I would NEVER call my mom a b*tch to anyone but my siblings! Mostly cuz I don't want anyone else thinking they can disrespect her. OMG…and furthermore…wow

  34. comeback/jolie/bree

    Respect. I didn't consider the personal safety aspect of it. I could see how a cursory check could offer some piece of mind. I can handle myself quite well, so I didn't consider the "stuffed in the trunk" part of it…lol.

  35. @ Ladies – speaking of security this question came to mind – When you first meet a guy, do you have the guy come pick you up for a date or do you meet him out somewhere?

  36. Good morning peeps!! I have tons of analysis to do today so I will make this short and sweet.

    I like to do research but I think women take that ish too far. Background checks!? The standard 2008 logic is that "that ninja could be crazy and try to stab/rape/kill you…or he could be gay". It plays in to the fear element a bit too much for me. Ladies, if you think that the guy who was nice enough for you to give your number to might kill you, maybe he shouldn't have got your number in the first place. Plus, all this excess fear makes it harder for all the good ninjas out there…

  37. @shelia: I have him pick me up someplace. Usually near my house. He just doesnt know it. I live near a shopping area so I just have them meet me there or if I havent met you through someone or have that level of security with riding in the car with you I will meet him at the venue.

  38. @ Anti I agree…and along your lines of thinking that means language should change all the way around. SBM's first paragraph described dating as a "battlefield". On my site yall used to call it an all and all out "war". Fear perpetuates more fear. Distrust does the same. So just as a reminder if you're talking about excess, I think we need to recondition how we see the world all the way around.

    gotta go. be back at noonish.

  39. @Sheila…I normally meet up…not just for fear but in case i need to jet, lol

    @Anti….you know, that chic that got set on fire at her job @ TMobile by her husband in broad daylight prob didn't realize when she gave him her number that he was insane. i had a homegirl who was also murdered by her husband in front of her children….you never know just by a nice smile or gesture and the better informed we are up front, the better decisions we can make. those may seem like extreme cases but that shyt happes all the time. on the radio two days ago, they did a legal segment on battered women and you have NO IDEA how many chics called in with stories of abusive/crazy/possessive guys that became this way only 3-6 months into dating…i'm talking restraining orders and name changes! think it's a game if you want to…as a woman, this isn't something i take lightly…

  40. BTW, i'm no fearmonger nor do i buy into the "victim of fear" mentality…but as a libra, i believe in balance…be informed AND in tune to your intuition…both weapons make me well equipped in the "dating battlefield"…so far so good, i haven't had to get one restraining order. only came across a few weirdos that have an affinity for over-communication…and they got no first date.

  41. @Bree: Don't get me started. News is about the Bell Curve (standard normal distribution). The news reports the "tails" of the curve: very bad or very good. You don't get the Hump…or the average every day stuff. John Doe making it to work on time is of course not new.

    The problem is when we hear about a woman being set on fire and as God awful as that is…it's not on the Hump…it's not a normal occurrence. At this point, we overweight an extremely low probability event for psychological reasons. This is a fallacy. It's been proven that people would be willing to pay more for terrorism insurance than for life insurance whilst the latter would also provide financial protection against guess what…acts of terror!

  42. well since I started watching snapped and forensic files i'm a bit more cautious. now I have a friends to pretend to smoke a cig or need something from her car to sneak a plate or txting the address 2 where I am…now w/ last bf. he was in my house day one. and i've alwaysa felt safe….which brings me to a question…do the men here always feel safe out with women? sorry abt this grammar and whatnot bt this is from the phone

  43. @Anti – I get what you're saying…but dude, there really are a good number of men doing some crazy ish to women…let's not trivialize that fact…it might not be the majority of men, but what if mine happens to fall in the percentage that are crazy? there is nothing wrong with a quick check to make sure the guy you're going out with isn't on the sex offender list and didn't get out of jail yesterday for slappin hoes for no reason…i'm just sayin'. Again, I don't condone getting all down and dirty into someone's business, i'm just not nosey enough to care about who is in his top friends on myspace and what bitter a$$ woman decided to put him on dontdatehimgirl.com…

    and for the record…it's not just news…my highschool friend was murdered by her husband, my last roommate got her credit cards run up, dishes broken, holes punched in the walls of her new house, and her a$$ beat by her ex-boyfriend…this is not just on tv, this ish is in real life.

  44. @Sheila: I always meet him… Not out of fear so much, but moreso just in case we don't "click."

    So far, I haven't met any crayzo's so I may be kind of naive on being fearful. I don't check their background online… "something" had to intrigue me for me to even go out so I meet them somewhere public (most likely for dinner) and then we part ways in separate cars…. I opt for not checking the background because "you get what you look for." I'm not looking for anything so I walk in blind faith that in time, all that I need to know will be revealed to me.

    @Jaclynn: I would like to know that answer to the question.

  45. @Breelicious

    "you know, that chic that got set on fire at her job @ TMobile by her husband in broad daylight"

    WTF!? Where and when did this happen? Why didn't anybody stop him?

    @everyone

    Dates are cool but I also like to spend time with a woman I want to get to know in other ways. I.E. if i am running errands for the day I would pick you to go with me. I just don't understand why some people think spending time with each other in the beginning is only when the 2 of you go out. Am I the only one that wants to get to know the other person in other ways than just talking on the phone and dates?

  46. @Humble…no, i do that too. i offered to go with a guy to look at houses b/c he was thinking about moving into an area that I had lived and did a house search in…it was the best "first date" i've ever had. I also, took a guy with me once to go test drive some cars…again, fun times. stuff like that takes the pressure off and makes it a very laid back atmosphere. the next guy i "go out with" might get to come with me to do some volunteer work at the food bank or maybe to the gun range (i've always wanted to go to a gun range…seems like a real adrenaline boost)

  47. @Jaclynn – You have to be careful with women. At least in Detroit. Women have been known to set you up for a stick-up etc. B/W the robbing and a few crazy women I have seen I am cautious. I dont tell a woman where I stay or give my home phone number. I don't know if women are like this in other cities but here I have seen some psychos.

  48. @Breelicious

    "…the gun range will be reserved for someone i already know isn’t crazy"

    Very, very, smart move. Also be leery if he is obssesed with guns. Other than that you will have fun at the gun range.

  49. Im with bree

    a certified deal breaker is the whole "can I come see you" bit

    had a guy say can I come see you I said "no..i dont like strangers at my house"

    his dumb ass gon say

    "well you can come to mine then"

    I hung up the phone

    what an idiot

    you cannot have a first date at someone's house..i do not care what people say…all they want is some sex…

    either that or they are cheap and have gotten away with it too much in the past

  50. on and dudes

    beware of the stepford girl

    she has her degree/degrees, her perfect job and salary..now she has to complete her circle of life with a husband. Make sure she doesn't j ust like what everyone else likes and so forth..find some quirkyness or difference with her

    make sure she has a personality.

    Stepford women are skillfully seeking a husband and will do it by any means necessary. By pretending to be okay with your rap music, by pretending to love sex, by pretending to cook alot just to nab you…

    so…again beware of the husband hunters….

    find a woman comfortable with herself

    oh..and never trust a lying woman who says the last time she has sex has been 2 years.. (lol)…she is really pulling out the deepest net to catch you…

    *sidenote..a mature man wont really trip off her former sex life as long as she wasn't a porn star or did it to 6 of your friends..it should be nonya*

  51. @true2me: I am a Stepford magnet. I've received emails with pictures and descriptions of wedding rings after date #4. Talk about jumping the gun…

  52. @true2me

    "beware of the stepford girl

    she has her degree/degrees, her perfect job and salary..now she has to complete her circle of life with a husband. Make sure she doesn’t j ust like what everyone else likes and so forth..find some quirkyness or difference with her

    make sure she has a personality.

    Stepford women are skillfully seeking a husband and will do it by any means necessary. By pretending to be okay with your rap music, by pretending to love sex, by pretending to cook alot just to nab you…

    so…again beware of the husband hunters….

    find a woman comfortable with herself"

    Where the hell were you when I needed to hear that? I didnt figure that out until my late 20s.

  53. Yep…once again yall are doing to the most. I hope everyone is enjoying their day and actually getting a little work done in the interim.

  54. regarding background checks

    people have pasts…no one is perfect..dont simply judge them on their past

    im not that shallow….cause im not perfect myself

    is what they are doing about their life NOW

    besides with those things..there is always more than one side of the story

  55. Anti summed it up pretty well, people act soley out of fear and self-protection. You miss a lot of people like that, but you also may ward off some crazy one's too. A nine times of time, a man who has killed 4 of his wives usually has an aversion for other simple and basic laws which may show up on somebody's record.

  56. humble this is a recent observation of me and my BF. LOL

    I see their type SO MUCH

    and men are blindsided into marrying them cause they are "perfect"

    The men who are with them always feel something is "missing" but think they must be crazy to dump her..she's perfect

    but eventually it starts coming out who she really is

    they be so small details like "you wearing that?"

    True story

    my ex hubby let me play my trick daddy in the car and all my gangsta rap and new R and B

    later…i realized he hate the crap out of my music…he only liked old school R and B

    but he pretened cause he wanted me to be with him

    *yes men do it too*

    and please believe..if you are with a woman who only listens to gospel..and she knows u listen to rap…eventually….she will want you to stop…trust me…she gon be okay with it at first..but she will want u to stop

    and again..never believe a woman who says she has only been with 2 guys or she been celibate for super long time

  57. @humble…one of my old roommates was a stepford chic…she had bought a bag of famu onesies and was all excited about it…BUT SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANY KIDS…OR EVEN A BOYFRIEND!! WTF

    @true…and crime of passion is one thing, but you have a record of complaints about battery? no, i don't expect to look up and see that he killed 4 of his exes..but i do intend to find out if he has a history of violence against women AND if he's a sex offender… hmmm….i'd hate to get all ga-ga over some dude that has, in the past, put his hands on someone's little girl, cuz then ya'll would see my a$$ come up on google for killing some ignant ninja that thought it was ok to touch my lil girl! and yes, everyone has a pass…which is why i'm not a snooper, i'd hate for someone to dig out some of my skeletons

    @teacia…we're "doing the most"? really? you just miss the controversy and haven't had the chance to tongue bash anyone in a few days…LMAO…no worries, the controversy will come soon enough and you won't be bored anymore.

  58. Am I the only one that wants to get to know the other person in other ways than just talking on the phone and dates?"

    @ Hum…it depends. Im not sure if I want to tag along while you check your po box at the post office. but other tag along activities might be fun, maybe I've been sippin on the "datey date" koolaid for too long. So when the next man asks me out to home depot to pick up a Bob Villa tool belt, maybe I'll say yes.

  59. Bree: my dear sweet friend…i actually don't miss it at all, i've had plenty of it in my personal life lately…don't need it in the virtual one also…and with 5 classes, a full time gig, a kid….and uhhh this information session i have tonight…i doubt that boredom is my issue.

    …actually i'm just tired and not really much into blogging or IMing at the moment, i want to go and crawl up in my bed right now actually…*sigh* but i can't so i won't.

    and yes you(read: me as well) guys are always doing on the most on this here blog, it's how we roll at SBM.net…good, bad or indifferent.

  60. What about the women who aren't neccesarily Stepford (with their things all in order) but those women that are "obsessed" with the thought of being married?

    True story… I have a cousin, whose been engaged 5 times, married once (widowed), kinda engaged-working on another AND a friend, whose been engaged 7 times, married once and divorced, and working on another.

  61. Beware men of being turned into stepford men……

    when you find yourself having to lie about where you are going or being afraid to ask to hang out with the boys

    thats not lookin good

  62. @True2me: WOW. I'm gonna need him never to "ASK to hang out with the boys." As long as he's not breaking a date with me, he never needs to ASK to do anything because I'm not asking him if I can do squat (unless we're married… I think that's a whole different ball game).

  63. Totally off topic, but Dammit! Did fall come out of no where for anybody else… I have on a capris and a short sleeved shirt and I'm cold!!!!! People have on jackets. Swear, it rained yesterday and it's pretty much breezy today… Or could it be this downtown river? 🙂

  64. the comeback

    not really….they dont have nothing to hide…its just they will hear it at home because they are a couple and have to do everything together according to the woman/wife

    or she will cry and say "you dont love me..go hang out with your BOYS"

    lol

    I didn't say he wont tell u where he goin..i think thats a common courtesy that should just be normal

    "Baby..me and the boys goin to hang out at penthouse for a while"

    not "Baby..do you mind if I go with ray ray and them..i haven't really been out with them in a while and we spent all last weekend together"

    My ex has to "check" with his wife before he can agree to keep the kids for me

    WTF @ that

  65. @true: WOW…. well, that's pretty much how my cousin has always been… I think these women are obsessed with the idea of being married and that someone will "complete" them and make them feel better about themselves.

  66. @true: "if you only hear from a dude once a week and he claims he’s just that busy"

    I second that…. That just happened to me. I just stopped calling/answering texts. All he wanted to do was text… I don't think the attraction was there for either one of us…. or maybe he was attracted, he hinted at sex but SOME men will stick it in a hole in the wall. LOL

  67. what kinda movies they like to me shows that they have a brain and like to explore

    If all a woman wants to see are tyler perry movies or if she has never had anything other than chinese food and american food then she probably is just y our average typical woman *no offense*

    I love that my dude likes sci fi movies, will eat at different places, and that we can talk about anything

    What good is a dude if he can't talk about anything at all other than sex on a first date (too many true stories on this one to name)

  68. "the comeback

    not really….they dont have nothing to hide…its just they will hear it at home because they are a couple and have to do everything together according to the woman"

    i disagree true. A man who has a woman on a tight leash has PLENTY to hide.

  69. If you ask, "where's the freakiest place you've had sex/ or the freakiest position you've ever been in," you're "OUT" (in a Heidi Klum "Project Runway" accent).

  70. A man who has a woman on a tight leash is insecure and controlling

    likewise for a woman who has a man on a tight leash

    they may have been hurt or cheated on in the past and just have them on a tight leash as a means of controlling the situation

  71. I believe men in their late 20's should not be living with parents ….

    Dont buy into that "I stay with my mom/dad/grandmother etc to help them pay bills"

    PLEASE

    *Its one thing if your peoples live with you because of their health and stuff (true story..and also something I couldn't handle at the time)*

    if you can't afford ur own rent and be able to help ur moms out from time to time..u just broke and probably a mommas boy

    I'd rather you have your own home than a car and live with your peoples

    Roommates are okay

  72. "A man who has a woman on a tight leash is insecure and controlling"

    I don't always buy that. Alot of those guys have alot of double standards, these "stepford" husbands aren't staying home. They're restricting their S.O. to possibly do what they have given themselves carte blanche to do: and that is partake in some indiscretions.

  73. Good Day mates. OMG – I'm so stepford towards some dudes. But that fades away fast! I don't have an additional qualifier – I like conversation.

  74. @nicki:

    If you ask, “where’s the freakiest place you’ve had sex/ or the freakiest position you’ve ever been in,” you’re “OUT” (in a Heidi Klum “Project Runway” accent).

    I hate this..

  75. HNIC

    I applaud you for not caring about a woman's "body fat" or making that an issue

    I remember hearing guys saying a woman they date has to look a certain way …

    I care more about things a guy can control (mentality, spirituality, having a job, caring about his health) etc

    we can't control our hair texture, body shape, height etc

  76. @true2me

    "when you find yourself having to lie about where you are going or being afraid to ask to hang out with the boys"

    I never asked to hang out with my friends. I have lied about where I was going. I would tell her I was out with my boys. I would do that when I wanted to just chill at home by myself. I knew if I said I didn't feel like coming over to see her I would get all type of s**t from her. I only did this a few times. It didn't happen often.

    "If all a woman wants to see are tyler perry movies or if she has never had anything other than chinese food and american food then she probably is just y our average typical woman *no offense*"

    I had to deal with this too and it killed me. I guess because of my upbringing I am more open to different things. I would get middle eastern, thai, whatever, and she would diss it before tasting it.

    I like to be entertained but I like to be informed too. If I was watching something on PBS, Discovery, History, etc. she really wasn't into it. Sometimes she would watch but not often. I like Harold and Kumar but I like Ken Burns too.

  77. @ Comeback…i think you read True's comment wrong…she said IF A DUDE HAS TO ASK HIS GIRL IF HE CAN HANG OUT WITH HIS BOYS…that dude doesn't have anything to hide…he has a crazy a$$ chic in his corner

    Dude, if my man thought he really needed to ask me for time to himself or to hang out with his friends and it's not b/c we had prior arrangements…i'm worried about the person i'm presenting to him, cuz im not that chic.

  78. @true and humble…about the tyler perry comment…LMAO…and how about someone in my family told me they don't see me marrying a black man b/c they said that "black men aren't open minded enough and aren't on your level" they claimed this b/c I'm into a lot of different things, i LOVE the theatre, I'm a shakespeare fanatic, I read a lot, I'm not the typical dinner and a movie chic and the person didn't think that most black men were like that. I didn't agree with this person, of course.

  79. @Comeback & true2me

    "A man who has a woman on a tight leash is insecure and controlling"

    Both of you are right. It all depends on the man.

  80. "@ Comeback…i think you read True’s comment wrong…she said IF A DUDE HAS TO ASK HIS GIRL IF HE CAN HANG OUT WITH HIS BOYS…that dude doesn’t have anything to hide…he has a crazy a$$ chic in his corner"

    yeah I did…sorry true. I just looked at it again. I need not multi-task today.

    true you killin' it today LOL. I like my weave. I think most of the men here detest them.

  81. @Breelicious

    "about the tyler perry comment…LMAO…and how about someone in my family told me they don’t see me marrying a black man b/c they said that “black men aren’t open minded enough and aren’t on your level” they claimed this b/c I’m into a lot of different things, i LOVE the theatre, I’m a shakespeare fanatic, I read a lot, I’m not the typical dinner and a movie chic and the person didn’t think that most black men were like that. I didn’t agree with this person, of course."

    Whats funny is that after meeting a few women I had to learn that when they said they like to go to plays they weren't talking about August Wilson they were talking about Beauty Shop or those plays similar to tyler perry. Growing up I went to plays all the time so I was not thinking "plays" the same way they were. The Merry Wives of Windsor was one of the most funniest shows I've seen.

  82. @Humble…I SO FEEL YOU…growing up, my mom always took me to plays (read: real theatre), musicals, ballets, operas, and even lecture series (ah the benefits of a growing up in a college town)…so when this whole tyler perry and gospel/chitlin' circuit play phenomenon started I was a little disgusted. As of now, I appreciate it's entertainment value and at least some black folks are doing something different than what they were doing…but as for me…give me Broadway or off Broadway over that stuff ANY DAY! Merry Wives of Windsor, huh…you should check out Much Ado About Nothing…you can rent the version with Denzel in it, it's actually one of my favorite comedies by good ole Shake…I have yet still to see it live.

  83. @Comeback

    "I like my weave. I think most of the men here detest them."

    I don't detest them. It is not a deal breaker. Although I do prefer natural kinky or curly.

    @true2me

    "What does a woman wearing a weave/fake lashes/fake nails-acrylic overlay say to you"

    It says that n**ga is soft in the pants.

  84. @Humble…"I do prefer natural kinky or curly." AND shakespeare?…you just all up my alley today, LMAO

    also, I think true was asking what men think about WOMEN wearing weaves/fake lashes/fake nails…not men…ya'll negroes need to pay attention today! LMAO

  85. @Breelicious

    " even lecture series (ah the benefits of a growing up in a college town)"

    Thats crazy because my mother did that too. I didnt think anybody else's parents did that. I still remember going to see Asa Hilliard at Wayne State.

  86. Ah damn! Looks like I have to check the site at the crack of dawn to keep up with all the posts lately. Man y'all are too funny. Heres to making my day go a lil faster reading blog posts. Happy Hump day 🙂

  87. @true2me

    "What does a woman wearing a weave/fake lashes/fake nails-acrylic overlay say to you"

    Sorry, I didn't read it right the first time. I try not to look to deep into what I see and give people the benefit of the doubt but it seems that she may have some self-esteem or self-love issues.

  88. *waves back @ Comeback*

    I like to see how the person interacts with my son, if I happen to be with my son. They do not have to be all up in his face with a "hey champ, put er there" more like do they even acknowledge him.

  89. @Humble…yeah my moms didn't play, she insisted we be cultured…she took me to see Hilary Clinton back in the day, Cornel West, the former President of Spelman, drug me out to meet Al Gore, and all kinds of folk…she also used to enroll me in all sorts of programs at the colleges…Science programs, journalism, drama, engineering…no free summers here, and when i wasn't doing anything, her a$$ was giving me book reports, LOL..good thing I actually enjoyed all that stuff. I see myself doing it to my kid…she's only 5 and she's been to countless ballets/african dance recitals, plays, and such…she even lets me read shakespeare to her and will watch some of the movies with me….ah mini-me!

  90. @cuzzo…i kinda feel you…if my daughter is with me when u meet me, i pay attention to how a man behaves around her the acknowledgement without overstepping bounds is key…other than that, getting to meet my daughter is like the ultimate prize when dating me, and is not something i take lightly. it's like meeting the parents…and i have more respect for men that understand and acknowledge that instead of automatically assuming he gets to kick it with my lil mama and start trying to be step-dad..um, she's got a daddy, thanks! and a grand-daddy and some uncles…REAL UNCLES!! LMAO

  91. "Sorry, I didn’t read it right the first time. I try not to look to deep into what I see and give people the benefit of the doubt but it seems that she may have some self-esteem or self-love issues"

    @Hum???!! I think we need a weave post. Why does it have to be about self-hate. I like variety. I don't always wear them, but theres stuff I like to do, that normal hair can't stand. Alot of really fly or straight stuff with tons of heat would kill normal hair. For most its also for protective measures too.

    @ Cuzzo-I agree. I would think that the way men interact around a child (after you've even decided dude is worthy to meet him/her) would be telling.

  92. @Breelicious

    "she also used to enroll me in all sorts of programs at the colleges…Science programs, journalism, drama, engineering…no free summers here, and when i wasn’t doing anything, her a$$ was giving me book reports, LOL..good thing I actually enjoyed all that stuff."

    My parents did me the same way. I remember one summer my father wanted me to read 3 Agatha Christie books and write a book report on each one. I took tennis classes, science programs, went to camp, etc growing up. I did not enjoy it but I appreciate it now. It was wack when you you have to do those things and your friends on the block are playing outside.

  93. @Nikki: You could literally melt down here in the last 5 or so days, like for real for real…but everywhere else I hear it's gotten chilly. Ms. Dev was saying that she needed a leather jacket up in the Chi the other day…I was like WTF?!?!!…but it's only September.

    We have Indian Summers down here in Florida, so it doesn't even begin to cool down until late October early November, but even then it doesn't get "cold" until December…and that's only in the morning. The high is usually around 70 during the holidays…January and Feb is when we have to break out the winter coats.

    Man I L-O-V-E being a Floridian!!!

  94. @ Bree and Humble..I know yall over there having a renaissance fair and what not. But this was the norm for many black folks who wanted to give a certain level of exposure to their kids, esp. those black kids who are now EBF.

  95. @Bree: one time for REAL uncles, and REAL cousins…hell just REAL family members altogether and thus and so forth…lol.

    And when it comes to meeting the kid it's a no go…I've had guys ask and be told no. But when I do allow someone to meet her(only 2 guys so far) how he interacts around her is the most important test of our relationship.

  96. @Comeback – you don't have to defend your weave girl. some ppl don't get it.

    The question was not directed towards me but there is nothing wrong with a woman that wears fake hair/eyelashes/nails. There may not be any underlying self-love self-esteem issues w/ her. Now, if she NEVER shows you her real hair/nails/lashes – there in lies the issue.

    Did anyone see the cycle of ANTM (America's Next Top Model), when one girl really cried when they were taking her weave out on TV? Now, she had some issues – and I think the chick actually had some decent hair underneath.

  97. @Comeback…why u always tryin to break up folks party? we didn't say we were the only ones, dag! LOL..I will say this though "But this was the norm for many black folks who wanted to give a certain level of exposure to their kids" there weren't that many folks in my town trying to give exposure to their kids, my best friends didn't get it i helped them broaden their horizons in college, and I meet a lot of black men who didn't get it…hence why my family member made the comment about "black men not being on my level"…i'd say, there's a good percentage who got it and a good who didn't.

    @Teacia…um, that's what i DON'T miss about Florida…man i used to be SO PISSED in school when it would be 20 degrees in the morning and 80 degrees by 11:00 and now I have to lug my Starter coat all around school with me! AUGH!

  98. @Comeback

    "I think we need a weave post. Why does it have to be about self-hate. I like variety. I don’t always wear them, but theres stuff I like to do, that normal hair can’t stand. Alot of really fly or straight stuff with tons of heat would kill normal hair. For most its also for protective measures too."

    Its not about self-hate. That's why I said I don't look to deep into what I see or whats on the outside. But from my experience a lot women wear weaves because their hair is "nappy" or short and they are ashamed of it. I have met many women that wear weaves or wigs for convenience not because of their grade of hair. I've seen women with curly, straight, and kiny hair wear weaves and wigs. So I know it is not always an esteem issue but I would be sugar coating it to say that it wasn't a big issue.

  99. *quick sidenote*

    I think I've found the BEST Pandora artist station….Jazmine Sullivan. If you like R&B with a Neo-Soul, with a few ole school artists like Mint Condition and Blackstreet mixed up in there….this is the station for you. I've been listening to it all week and it's officially my favorite compilation.

  100. @cuzzo and comeback…i'm willing to bet humble wasn't saying that a weave is a sign of self-hate…i'm thinking he was saying excessive fake-ness (i.e. fake hair and nails and eyelashes, etc) COULD (i.e. MIGHT) be a sign of self-hate. ya'll calm down and pat yo weave ladies!

    …and I will rock a weave or a wig in a heartbeat if it means i can achieve a different look w/out messing with my lovely kinky curls

  101. Bree: yeah but that's only for about 2 months out of the year…still can't beat it with a stick!!

    …of course my comment advertisement would actually have a real ad under it…lol, go figure.

  102. @Teacia: I am so jealous of your Florida-roots… Good Lord… I'm gonna hit up that station too. Thanks girl. I am in an office full of others and they haev the air condition on "ICE" talkin about "it feels so nice." Does it?? LOL.

  103. jolie fatale okay. It’s best to be safe than sorry.

    Bree/Nikki/ – I hadn’t thought about that…just in case the date isn’t going well you can leave when you want.

    Humble One – More people should get to know each other outside of a normal date setting. You get a chance to see the person in their normal setting and really see if y’all click.

    True to me – lol – me too, but at least I would get a new outfit out the bum date.

    Nikki – reference the weather—are you in Chitown…talked to one of my friends last night and they were telling me how the weather is there now. It’s still hot in the south.

  104. ooh ooh

    if (and thats a big if cause you some hard people) if you date a person with a kid (especially a female or have a jump off with a kid)

    and you meet their kid all fast and right away

    or if u have a kid..u tell a dude/girl u can't see him tonite u with your kid and they say "I dont care"

    WTF

    they want to screw plain and simple and have no respect for your nor your family

    run quick

  105. @ Cuzzo & Bree I totally agree. Humble is spouting misnomers and I really don't like "weave misconceptions" floating about LOL. If you are actually taking care of your natural hair, you will and do have a healthy head of hair. options are options. You can't weave a scalp.

    @ Bree ***patting***

  106. re: the renaissance fair yall had. I really haven't met an EBF who at least wasn't exposed in something "un traditionally" urban. If you didn't get heavy on the classic lit, you got the science and math or intense black history etc. I think most parents did what they could. I dont think there's anything wrong with Tyler Perry. He's opening theatre up to a lot of black folks who would have never gotten the exposure.

    am I being a dish rag***maybe I should eat something***

  107. @Sheila: Talking about taking separate cars… yes, ma'am… if the date isn't going well, you can avoid that whole awkward silence/goodbye. LOL.

  108. @Teacia

    "We have Indian Summers down here in Florida, so it doesn’t even begin to cool down until late October early November, but even then it doesn’t get “cold” until December…and that’s only in the morning. The high is usually around 70 during the holidays…January and Feb is when we have to break out the winter coats."

    I'll trade you Michigan weather from Nov to Feb for Florida Nov. to Feb. I'll also throw in some jolly ranchers and a full tank of gas.

  109. yeah they don't actually play ANY jazmine sullivan, cause she only has one or two songs on the airwaves, but the station is the shiznit!!!

    @True: if you can't respect my rights and responsibilities as a parent, then you don't respect me at all.

  110. don't get me started. don't even get me started

    me and my brother had a long discussion/arguement about tyler perry the other night. but that's another subject.

  111. @comeback: I don't think there's anything wrong with Tyler Perry AS LONG AS people can quote/laugh/talk about something other than Ma'dea lines. I can't stand that.

  112. @Humble: no thank you mister…you can most definitely have that, but i will take that full tank of gas though.

    —————

    …ooooh lawd they playing Erykah Badu's "Next Lifetime" "i'll guess i'll see you next lifetime, no hard feelings…your energy feels so damn good to me, picks me up don't wanna come down, gots me spinning all around…"

    Ooooooh this is my sh*t!!!

  113. @cuzzo: I'm cracking up over here! Aw man… LOL… Just throw your jacket over your face and make like a tree.

    @Teacia: Love "next lifetime". That song gives me chills.

  114. first few dates should be "meet ups"

    plain and simple

    I remember i was drunk in the club years ago and swore this dude was cute…talked to him the whole week…we had plans to meet up on friday …

    u talkin bout UHG GUH LEE

    um glad I met him there

    I didn't even get out the car..I rolled up on him with my cell to my ear sayin "yeah which emergency room" and drove off

    ilk

  115. "I didn’t even get out the car..I rolled up on him with my cell to my ear sayin “yeah which emergency room” and drove off"

    LMAO!!! now that's funty!

  116. @Comeback – Breelicious's post# 124 was basically what i was trying to say. I guess I didnt word it right.

    "the renaissance fair yall had. I really haven’t met an EBF who at least wasn’t exposed in something “un traditionally” urban. If you didn’t get heavy on the classic lit, you got the science and math or intense black history etc. I think most parents did what they could. I dont think there’s anything wrong with Tyler Perry. He’s opening theatre up to a lot of black folks who would have never gotten the exposure."

    I agree with the Tyler Perry statement. I have met too many so-called educated black folks that don't know s**t. I agree most parents did do what they could. But if they haven't been exposed to much how much can they expose their children. I see too many parents raising their kids just to go to school and get a "good job".

  117. " I have met too many so-called educated black folks that don’t know s**t."

    this sounds SUPER elitist…but it could be my hunger pains. So I'll eat first and see how I feel about this. I have a super heavy interest and focus in contemporary lit. I know a little sumthin sumthin about math and science. But I can also tell black folks who feel like they have something to prove about "cultural" things that don't make you smart just makes you sound better to people "who don't know".

    **dam%n now I got pulled on a call, i won;t "comeback" til i eat lest somebody might get more dish soap in the eyes**

  118. @Tea – I have not, but I do wonder what happens when the investigation the person is not cheating.

    They never show that cuz they know we all waiting for the "confrontation." I was telling my best friend the other day – they need to just skip to the confrontation part – just have a show full of em. Who cares about the back story and the day-1, day-2? I wanna see some jogging and dodging, hear some what the hell, and see some slapping.

  119. @ Nicki – now I can talk about Cheaters' all day – but no, I didn't see that one when it aired – just the replay clip in the beginning of the show.

  120. Who said they were voting for Barack because he was black the other day??? My friend just emailed me the perfect response to that, if someone ever asks you why.

  121. @Cuzzo: I only saw the clip too.. on wildest reality show moments are something. I couldn't believe it… All those camera people couldn't stop that man from getting stabbed.

  122. @Nikki: I did…lol, what's the response.

    @Cuzzo: yes mam, i love the confrontation…i want to be there tho with my popcorn to see it all go down.

  123. @Comeback

    "this sounds SUPER elitist…but it could be my hunger pains. So I’ll eat first and see how I feel about this. I have a super heavy interest and focus in contemporary lit. I know a little sumthin sumthin about math and science. But I can also tell black folks who feel like they have something to prove about “cultural” things that don’t make you smart just makes you sound better to people “who don’t know”."

    If it sounds elitist I am sorry. I'm not the most "down home" person in the world but I am so, so, far from being elitist. For the sake of argument when I say educated I mean blacks with degrees. What I meant by my statement is that some educated blacks don't have a clue as far as the world around them or the country they live in. My statement is geared toward the black folks that act elitist just because they have a degree.

  124. This older white guy asked his older black friend, 'Are you voting for Barack Obama just because he's black'? So the older black guy fires back and says, 'Are you not voting for him because he's black?

    Why can't I vote for him just cause he's black? Hell in this country men are pulled over everyday just cause they're black, passed over for promotions just cause they're black, considered to be criminals just cause they're black, but you don't seem to have a problem with that

    This country was built with the sweat and whip off the slaves back, and now a descendent of those same slaves has a chance to lead the same country where we were not even considered to be people,

    Where we were not allowed to be educated, drink from the same water fountains, eat in the same restaurants, or even vote, so you damn right I'm going to vote for him! Not just because he's black,

    But because he is hope, he is change, and he now allows me to understand when my grandson says he wants to be president when he grows up, it is not a fairy tale but a short term goal

    Because he sees, understand, and knows, he can achieve, withstand, and do anything despite the fact that he is black!

    No, I'm not voting for Barrack Obama JUST because he is black; I'm voting for him because he is the best candidate — who just happens to be black.

  125. LOL. Now I don't mean to shout all that out, but seriously, some of us don't get hired "just because we are black" so why can't we vote for him on that basis alone??????

  126. @ Nicki – yea, I wouldn't say all that but, that was my argument to my brother about Tyler Perry the other night too. I'd rather say I like someone because they ARE black then say I DISLIKE them because they are black.

  127. @Cuzzo: Exactly. If we don't support our own, who will???? (now I'm not endorsing support of ALL of us, but you know what I mean)

  128. @comeback…i'm happy that tyler perry got some folk to the theatre…all i'm saying is it's sort of sensationalist entertainment and not really my personal cup of tea…it's like the difference between a terry mcmillan novel and an alice walker novel…i got no issues with either, but if i want to feed my intellectual/cultural belly, i'm going with alice

    on being elitist about EBFs that don't know ish…i think the sentiment is just that a lot of black parents have pushed their kids to go to school and get good jobs…these intellegent and degreed black men (whom I've run across) can't talk about ANYTHING outside of work, cars, music, and sports. Don't tell me you've never run into these people? THOSE are the folks that weren't exposed and therefore don't know much about the world around them. I can't stand an EBF that turns his/her nose up at any and everything they've never seen/heard/tried before…that's just ignant.

    re: voting for barack obama just b/c he's black…umm for DECADES we've been voting for democrats just becasue they're democrats…what's really the difference?

    re: meeting a man out in MY OWN car…also keeps the crazies and undesirables from knowing where i live and @true HAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT IS SOME FUNNY ISH!!!

  129. @Cuzzo: Exaclty! LOL. But you know what??? When Plies does an interview, he sounds (dare I say it?) "educated." Seriously, he has plenty of them out there but he actually talks like he had some since. He had an interview on Russ Parr once and if you would've told me it was Plies, you could've knocked me over.

    I'm will admit I really didn't follow the elections this time… I am voting for Barack because a strong black man is FINALLY being put out there for us and we have another STRONG BLACK FAMILY to look up to besides the Cosbys and Will Smith and Jada.

  130. Just joining the party…

    I think conversation is the most important thing in finding out who someone is. But you have to know the right questions to ask. I don't usually deal with men on myspace, facebook, or whatever else,(at least they say they aren't on there) so that doesn't work for me. But talking face to face is really good.

    I am sure ya'll have said some interesting things so let me go back and try to read all these damn comments.

    Good day kind folks!

  131. I just got so excited off one email! MAXWELL with Jasmine Sullivan @ D.A.R. Constitution Hall ~ Coming NOV 17th | TICKETS: Fri., 9/12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I'm not excited am I! Jumping up in down in my office ! 🙂

  132. Bree & Humble re Tyler Perry and the "chitlin circuit". i dunno it just doesn't make me cringe anymore than the the thought of some writers back in the day who weren't well regarded for their satorical, critical,and or sexual exploration of their times through their work. The writers who quickly come to mind are Emile Bronte, Jane Austen, and James Baldwin.

    Two women and one black male homosexual.

    Alot of the things I hear written about his approach to his craft are what many people have written about other writers and artists. Art imitates life. And some of art ain't pretty. It doesn't always come with subjects and verbs agreeing. Sometimes its in the urban/church or street "tradition". does it make it any less relevant?

  133. @comeback…again…i ain't got no problem with tyler perry, it actually never made me cringe, in fact it always makes me laugh..i'm just not one of the ones running to his plays…it just doesn't really do it for me…and did you really just compare him to james baldwin? uhhh aside from that, i support the brother and any black man/woman on the up and up creating entertainment with a message and giving jobs to black folk….that said…i'd still be leery of a dude who wouldn't come with me to one of my kinds of plays but always wanted to go see one of tyler perry's…

  134. @jolie…i had to update my myspace status this morning cuz I found out he's coming to tha A!!! AHH SHYT NAH!! Tickets go on sale Friday @ 10!!!!!

  135. and lets keep it real. Alot of us are NOT patronizing some of our more "artsy" endeavors. How many really interesting black indie film have i seen where BLACK PEOPLE DON'T GO. Does anybody remember the last truly black indie film they saw which highlighted something not often depicted? Does anybody remember "Daughter's of The Dust" (re garding the gullah people off the island near GA)

    are any of us REALLY going to see the Dance Theatre of Harlem, are we reading literary black fiction??? The answer is NO!!!! I'll tell you why, other white people have to tell us our stuff is tasteful before we will partake, ie Basquiat.

  136. I don't think I compared Perry's WORK to Baldwin, I compared the sentiment. I don;t think Baldwin was all that loved by everday Black folk. Its hard to please the everyday negro esp. when we aren't really sure what we like and if its even ok to like it.

  137. @Cuzzo…huh?

    @Comeback…#182…i don't necessarily disagree with you there. but personally, i like to go to black art festivals and such to find out what black gems have yet to be tarnished by white hands, it seems they start loving something of ours and i start disliking it…(i.e. the song "Baby Got Back", and raising the roof LMAO)

    re: there were a cuple folks @ the indie film portion of the NBAF, but most of the NBAF events in Atlanta are pretty well attended

  138. here's one for ya girl…or maybe i already told ya'll this…ran into this dude that was trying to take me out at a club one night…his first words to me were "dam.n i ain't seen you in a minute…u lookin' good…can i lick yo a$$"…uh, yeah…he def got cut in the preliminary rounds

  139. @Comeback: Has it been a minute? Really got ass eating on your mind. Also seem to have a little obsession with my ass eating (or lack thereof) … odd.

    Anyways … uh … lick an ass to pass class and taste that dookie and bypass the cookie.

    That do it for you?

  140. @SBM LOL…yes that'll do and you made it rhyme too. But eatin' @zz isn't the actual @zz. @zz is also synomous with cooc$hie. But nice poem anyway.

    @Bree that was so funny but see my resp. to SBM its not your actual @zz!!!!! I would think it would be rather amusing if you knew him like that.

    carry on folks. SBM get the stick out your a!!

  141. At some point, I think you have to use the circumstances of your meeting as well as your own influence and force of will. You've got to will mofos to have fun and avoid a bad date sometimes. On my last first date, I went out with a girl I met at a bbq. During our first phone convo, she informed me that she was bent when we met…DING! Obviously she likes to drink, so I set up our date for a local martini bar in her neighborhood that she had never heard of. This enabled us plenty of time to chat and get to know each other in a relaxed environment. We even had Mickey D's on the late night tip… I spent approximately $60 altogether. Didnt feel bad about it even tho we never got together again.

    -www.mrswagger.com

  142. @Comeback: How do you make ass a synonym for pussy!?!? Eating ass is eating ass.

    Let me be explicit: "Inserting one's tongue inside and around another person's anus"

  143. "@comebcak: LOL… Stick out his A*s.. he is acting like a stick in the mud … and nobody said JACK about how HASANI broke the firewall and came on up thru and commented.."

    did Hasani come through TODAY. iS that why true addressed him. I missed that TOTALLY. @ Jolie please clarify…he came TODAY!!!

    @ SBM in the country @zz is cooch#ie in the country my greatgranny used to call ALL her girl children split @zzes. There is a split in the @zz otherwise known as the vagin#a. @zz=coochie. don't get it twisted.

    @ fly i agree with Jolie that was a nice datey date.

  144. So yeah there's like 3 Starbucks on this very intimate PWI…why I don't know but I don't drink coffee so it's like whatever. However u have a SERIOUS love for the coveted marble loaf and after passing it 3 times I decided to spend $3 bucks and indulge…now I'm not eating any starches for the next 3 weeks and something is telling me that this a starch…HELP!!!

    Please tell me that I can enjoy this little slice of heaven that's gently wrapped in my bag…please tell me that I don't have to throw away the $3 I just spent in a recession on a thin slice of deliciousness…lol.

    Oh and Hasani broke the firewall again…some people just don't know when to quit.

  145. @comeback: yes he BROKE THE FIREWALL.. THE GLASS CEILING ! WHATEVER we wanna call it.. and commented

    @teacia: you been hitting up the trainer (according to the blog) like almost every morning! indulge this one time .. maybe eat half and save the rest for your lil girl? just a thought

  146. Teacia, I don't know anybody who got caught personally on Cheaters. They were filming in Dallas so I'm sure I know somebody who knows somebody who got caught. lol

    The Comeback Girl – fortunately, we are diverse people so we should have a variety when it comes to entertainment. There's enough room and audience for the Tyler Perrys, Malcolm Lees as well as the Toni Morrisons and Terry McMillians. Some things are meant to entertain, while some are meant to educate. Tyler Perry's method seems to work for him–although humorous there are various messages in his body of work. There are those that hit you in the face with their message. The beauty of it all is we have choices.

    Action speaks and in the entertainment industry folks see GREEN. Money talks. If you want more of a certain type of movie and/or book then that's where you should spend your money. As long as folks spend their money on things that might not be flattering to people of color, the people that be, will continue to distribute it.

  147. thanks Jolie and I just finished KILLING it…and it was so so good. and I had to switch it up cause my short and sassy was curling up and making it impossible to curl my hair.

  148. Mikki ur bday is a few days before the 19th…ur a Libra as well…what's the date? Mine is the 12th and my slogan this year is going to be "Fine at 29" if I can stick to my workout and eating regimine.

  149. @ Teacia: Cheaters is filmed in Dallas. I don't know anyone who was on there. I had friend who was going to use them, but didn't want to be on tv. That is the only way to get it done for free. But on my bday a few years back when they first started they came up in the club and got somebody. That was the funniest shit ever because everyone knew who it was. So the crowd was yelling 'cheaters'…LMAO!!!

  150. Wow…this was an interesting post today. I'm back in NOLA…enjoying it though it's hot as all hell in here. Shit they got the air set on hell in here. 🙁 All caught up…makes up my mind to just post from here on out. Trying to get on this philosophy of history and be at work all at once.

    Ahhhh….anyone in Detroit wanna trade? Washingtonians?

  151. Hey Peeps!!!! I haven't commented in a few days but here I am….

    I'm the type who needs to have those couple of getting to know you conversations before I decide to go on a date with somebody because I need to make sure we're on the same page beforehand. Usually them first couple of conversations will get you hip to what he's about. And I'm sorry but if you talkin like when we gonna screw during our first phone conversation then your calls are going straight to voicemail from here on out.

    I get turned off real easily even before the first date….I like to listen in the beginning just to get a feel for what I've gotten myself into because if I ain't feelin' it then it's a WRAP!!! For example, a guy just knew he had it together because he was able to negotiate a good deal on his new charger… I was like dude do you really think that's gonna make me like you cuz u bragging about negotiating on a charger, but yet you still livin with your parents and you haven't taken the 3 classes you need to get your degree. And you've known you needed to take those 3 classes for years now. And you think you doing it because you got a charger….. I was like is he for real???? How about move out your parents house, finish school, then come talk to me!!!!

    So with that being said I can't stand those who think they got it together but they really don't……

    But I feel for these people because they have no idea that they don't it have together. Other people (parents, family, & whoever else) have created this illusion of them being more than what they are and they actually believe it….

  152. Do I qualify as a "date whore?"

    49 dates in 12 months would seem high if i lived in Montana, but with the population density of nort jersey NYC area, you can get a date just bending down to tie your shoes the right way.

    I also havent been single since like the late 90's.

    as far as eating ass. If a woman is to be my partner and if anyone is going to be anyones more than just a fuk buddy… you have to go along with the whole package. Im about as vanilla in bed as a man can get, but with that said I couldnt imagine having a girlfriend and telling her "NO I just wont do that in bed your gonna have to suffer without it"

  153. Screen the calls. If she has a wack phone game (i.e. keeps yelling at her kid in the background)…drop it.

    Do ask about the ex's.

    Do ask what type of men she's supposedly attracted to (and then picture the opposite)

    Do watch out if she's addicted to black shoes and ugly purses.

    If there is a first date potential…throw dutch out there as an offering of fairness. If she gets mad and starts quoting her grandfather or something, call someone else.

    Dating sux arse.

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