Home Guest Post Thursday Feature: The Antidater Speaks …

Thursday Feature: The Antidater Speaks …


This post comes from a resident commenter and a close friend of mine who has been around for a very long time … The Antidater.  Anyone following the comments of me and him when this site open won’t be surprised by anything here.

I used to want me an “Alpha Female” … yeah … I really gave up on that sh*t.

Enjoy …


Alpha Women and Beta Men: We Can’t Rule the Jungle Together

In the jungle, male animals in the group would fight each other to be the leader.  The Alpha Male is the most aggressive and outgoing leader in the pack that managed to kick every other male’s ass.  The Alpha Male would meet his match – the Alpha Woman, the strongest, most outgoing female in the group – and then rule they would run the group together.

This process doesn’t work quite the same for humans – especially black folk.  Alpha men and Alpha women just don’t get along.  Almost every black woman is an alpha woman.  Alpha women want to find an Alpha male to settle down with … and then beat him into submission until he becomes a Beta male.

A Beta male is a passive, non assertive, individual who doesn’t fight with his “lady”.  Alpha women don’t respect Beta men…but it’s easier for them to be in a relationship with one.

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Black women have been leading the household for generations.  After women’s liberation, black mothers told their daughters to be independent and that n****s ain’t sh*t.  Some sistas came from healthy households … but a lot of them were fathered or raised by “no good” n****s or worst … their fellow sistas who had man-hated.  Thus, the black woman is raised to be an Alpha woman – independent, educated, successful.

She don’t need a man!

The Black Alpha woman’s want to conquer her man.  Women want chivalry, excitement…essentially they want EVERYTHING.  The world isn’t enough … they need the universe.  You can never prove your love.  An amazing demonstration of a man’s love for his woman merely raises the bar for next time.  I’d be the first to admit that women ran the household back in the day … even before women’s lib … they just allowed brothas to think they were running it.  So, if women secretly ran the house back then – what’s good now?

The key problem is that women of all types are trying hard to carve out new roles in Society.  They are taking on traditionally masculine traits.  This doesn’t mean that guys should have to change drastically to suit women.

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I remember a conversation with a friend who suggested that women have become hybrids and guys should do so, too.



I personally think that notion is bullsh*t … it’s a cope out.  Men and women should try to be partner level now.  We should be opening up doors for each other and paying each other’s way.  Unfortunately, Alpha women don’t want a partnership…they just wanna be CEO.  Ladies, we can’t rule the jungle together if you wanna be the boss.

~The Antidater


  1. Wow, so shocked to not see like 500 different comments by a total of 10 people. Hopefully my comment wont get drowned out by the many comments that come after me.

    But on to the post….I know that I am not an alpha woman nor do I know any or wish to be.

    However I will say that I dont know of too many alpha males either. Most alpha males are looking for a woman equivalent of the beta male. He wants someone docile, who wont speak up and put up with his bullshit because from what I have seen men who are alpha males are usually arrogant conceited and extremely unfaithful.

    So I wouldnt even want an alpha male myself…but I think it is pretty presumptious of some men that want to take the lead but dont know how to. If you dont know how to be the best at your job and be a man in a relationship then dont expect me to follow your lead because you arent leading you are just following the tide.

    I hope that all made sense…back to lurking

  2. Women have made many far reaching advances in the workplace and beyond. But at the end of the day many of us love ADORE being women. And while I do believe some women have not mastered the art of being “situationally” strong (meaning the ability to check most if not all of her aggression/ambition at the front door to her warm abode), most closeted Beta Males are fronting as Alpha Men.

    Some men have not figured out that they are feminine relationship archetypes. They are the one’s who would like to be woo’d in the most traditional perspective too. They melt at the idea of flowers, gifts, and other feminine driven gestures of love. They also are conflicted by (and compete) with other masculine notions as well. They want the home cooked meals, they like their clothes to be washed, etc. But they don’t want to ever feel like they’re “losing”. They are in CONSTANT competition with their mate.

    True Alpha men realize, that expectations like anything else are stated and negotiated. And everyone can win-but in different ways. If opening a woman’s door makes her feel special. He doesn’t feel like he loses his specialness in holding it open for her. He realizes that he’s taken care of in different ways that satisfy him. Outside of this Apha/Beta stuff love doesn’t seek “one-upmanship”. Needs are anticipated and met, not withheld out of petty spite.

    And no one will argue that father figures in black America leave a lot to be desired (over the last 30 years or so). But personally, I’m figuring out that though my father wasn’t the best parent, having good persepective and better relationships with men, is also rooted in my forgiveness of him regarding his inability to be the best father that I expected him to be. I am sure that my relationship success is in direct correlation to opening the door and allowing him to be a father now-though he wasn’t really capable then.

    It’s also about being able to look at other frames of reference including my grandfather (on both sides). They both made good decisions. They both were present. And while their dynamics were rooted in “old school” love. It was love. And I saw a lot of it. Additionally, Im big on personal responsibility as well.

  3. I don't think most women want a Beta male. However, they want someone with similar attributes…someone who is on the same level as they are. If I'm educated, beautiful, intelligent, and witty, its not so wrong to want a guy who can bring that to the table. Instead of looking for those attributes in a man, most women want to sculpt whomever they find INTO Mr. Educated, fine, intelligent, and witty (which won't work) essentially changing mr. alpha into mr. beta in the process.

    While women don't NEED men, most (including myself) WANTS a good man who falls into some reasonable standard. If you date those who have the attributes you want, you want have to change them:)

  4. Like introspective said, there aren't too many TRUE Alpha men, I've only came across one, and he definitely was the epitome of being an Alpha.

    I think at times I wager between both, there goes that split personality again, but I wouldn't necessarily call myself an ALPHA female. I'm assertive, confident, self-assured, but at times, I can be Beta as much as the next b*tch.

    My father was the one who told me to be independent, when I looked at the relationship between him and my mother, who was dependent on him, I knew that wasn't what I wanted to be.

  5. So is Beta female the female version of a Beta male?

    Also once a Beta male realizes how the Alpha female is treating him and decides he doesn't want to live his life this way, he will turn into an Alpha male. These will lead to problems unless, and here is where I'll interject my theory:

    If an Alpha male and an Alpha female can learn "beta" qualities and determine when and where the Alpha male or the Alpha female should be the the clear "alpha person" leading then perhaps the two can rule the jungle together.

  6. I had some inteligent commentary to add yesterday, but I can't remember what I had to say… so (awkward silence)…I'll be back later.

  7. I remember what it was now.
    I basically agree with T.Marie. For instance I'm generely a quiet guy, I let my woman have things the way she wants them most of the time; very Beta. But I can be pretty insistent when I do choose to speak up, displaying more of an Alpha side. I guess balance is key here, you just have to understand as a man or woman when to fall back and let someone take the lead.

    Since yall went their on the topic of black fathers, I'll go their too.

    I was a step father to a beautiful little girl for a while. Her mother was very much about teaching her to be independant of men, afterall it's what her single mother taught her growing up. At the same time I was trying to be the most involved, compassionate(f*ckthestep)dad I could be. I wanted to teach her that I would always be there for her, because that's what my parents taught me. In retrospect how we were raising her serves as an example of why the marriage didn't last, we were clearly pulling in different directions on a fundemental level. Why can't we teach our children to not take crap from anyone regardless of gender and at the same time teach them to be giving caring people. Maybe then they won't grow up feeling like they have a lifetime point to prove to the opposite sex that ultimelty leaves them sad, broken, lonely and let me not forget independent.

  8. Alpha/Beta it all seems a little silly to me. Instead of trying to "run things" how about just "being" with another person, caring about them and not doing anything to them you would not want done to you and treating them the way they want to be treated?

    I have no problem letting a man lead in areas he is competent in, but he also has to be willing to fall back when we're in my neck of the woods. Stop being in competition and work on complementing one another.

    You can go get a silly little twit if you like, but who is going to be there when the going gets tough and you need a soft place to land? The strong woman that's who. She doesn't fall apart a the smallest little or biggest bump in the road. She walks along side you and by leaning on one another you all will make it through.

    That's what's up


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