Home Dating & Relationships Laws of Attraction SBM Answers: Now you see me … now you don’t

SBM Answers: Now you see me … now you don’t

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I have been getting a lot of questions as of late … and I promise I’m going to make a strong effort to get to them all … so I will try and tackle one a week.

This one definitely caught my attention as soon as I read it.  Here is what I received:



I’m an avid reader of the site and now I’m in a bit of a situation. I met a guy about a month ago and after chit chatting for about 20 minutes we exchanged info. We spoke a couple days later and after the hour long convo, he asked to take me to dinner that weekend. We went out — had a really nice time. I called him a few days later and being the phone-tagger that he proved to be, he didn’t pick up. He calls back a day or two later and we chat. Last weekend he called and wanted to catch a movie that evening. We went to the movies – another nice date — or so I thought.

So being that I noticed that he never really initiates a call unless it’s regarding “going out,” I said I’d wait until midweek to see if he would call — he didn’t. So I text him a “hey wassup” during the day and he responds with “so when r u going to call me.” I called him later that night, as I had already planned and of course it rings and rings — so I left a generic message. One day passes no call/text, another day no call/text so 3 days later he decides to text me saying “I see someone forgot about me.” Now I’m BEFUDDLED and I’m like hmm WHY is this dude trying to flip the script and insinuate that I’m the one who isn’t contacting him. Psycho Bugaboo is not my style so I was not going to be blowing up his phone. A text, call and the endangered species — voicemail, seemed sufficient. So I replied, “hmm how could I forget about you when I called the other day…one could say you forgot about me.” So, as expected, he didn’t respond to the text.

A few days later, minutes after his number was deleted, he texts a “hey wassup” and then he flatlined again…

So now I’m like WTH?!?!?

Am I missing something here??? I figure, if he’s not interested in me, why not just disappear QUIETLY? Why play games with all the nonsensical texts and mixed signals???

In case you were wondering, I’m 99.9999% sure that his phone is operating properly.

This situation is … familiar.  I know I’ve told countless female friends about this same phenomenon before.   It generally starts with “why does he keep contacting me?  He obviously doesn’t want to be with me … why doesn’t he just leave me alone!?!”

See Also:  Why Some Men Fear A "Church" Woman

First … let me start with … sadly … the guy here doesn’t seem that interested.  He made an initial effort (which may or may not have been sincere) but then tapered off … this is the classic sign of a loss of interest.  Maybe he doesn’t want to date anyone seriously, maybe there is no chemistry, maybe he’s married.  Don’t take it personal … but its apparent.

Now, that being said … I’m going to let a secret be known … a lot of men (myself included) don’t disappear when we lose interest.  Most of the time when we “lose interest” … that means we have lost interest in making you our girlfriend.  This could be for personal reasons … or reasons releated to you … but in the end … we lost interest.  That doesn’t mean we’re not interested in sex, chilling, or “hooking up”.  Hence … we don’t disappear.

Now every guy treats this differently.  Some will lose their interest, but continue to call, text, and date you … knowing he has absolutely no desire to date you seriously.  Some basically will only contact you when their horny and actually have gas in their car.  Then you have every different combination in between.

See Also:  7 Things Men Want To See Women Wear This Summer

So … sad to say … I don’t think he is “that into you”.  In addition … he may never disappear until you just completely ignore him … but don’t be surprised … it how we are.

Comment(70)

  1. ill answer this one. Sounds like a guy like me.
    I want to add a front note by sayin… isnt it funny how unless we keel over with a ring in our hand as soon as a woman decides she wants to like us we are "psycho bugaboos" or "no good niccas" and such?

    but back to the point at hand. I will slowly keep up with a woman for almost months if need be until I either catch her full attention or I get pissed off and dismiss her. I can keep a dateing prospect on "life support" with 3-4 text a week with NOOOO problem at all.
    you may be on life support missy. I have a good date with you but then you start playing powertrip? ya, Id put you on lifesupport as well. As in, Im not gonna beat down your door calling you because you dont respect me enough yet, but I havent really found a need to totally flush your number yet.

    it may take a month or two but try and plan an actual DATE and repair things. come up off that black woman eliteiest ego and actually be nice to him and call him and put yourself out there, if you want to land him. if you dont want to land him……… then dont write letters asking for advice from us single black men.

    now remember, you want to be kind and give it a chance to repair itself, but you dont wanna come on TOO strong once you have repaired things. Like hunting shark, you pull too hard on the line and you will break it!

    but playing these teenager games with "im not gonna call" only works for white women and young girls. If you play phone tag with a black man of lets say my calibar (which is what most of you are looking for) we are not exactly going to stay by the phone for weeks waiting for you to call us…. your not THAT special. a fine black man will wonder off and find something else to do if you play that game… you will find yourself with a cold spot on the couch and a double date on saturday night with ben&jerry.

    I reccomend a good book I read a long time ago,
    google "a sistahs rules"

    NO I DID NOT WRITE THIS BOOK, but you will see alot of my terminology in the book because its rather accurate.

  2. I'm bad about checking messages and replying to emails and so forth, but If I was interested in a specific chick, I would no doubt be good about getting back to hers. Any other response or lack of says, "I don't care that much." To call a lady out of the blue that you haven't been keeping in contact with is like going to the casino in the hopes of getting lucky. That's why the dude keeps up occasional contact, but don't get it twisted girls do it too.

  3. sistas do it more. at least we have the ratio in our favor and move on to another group of women. I have sistas sending me text just to "see what I am doing next weekend" that I have written off 4-5 weeks ago. They will keep you in the roll-a-dex forever just so they dont have to look for a guy to date/hookup with. it lets them lead their sex in the city esq single lifestyle.

    but this whole being single and black thang, I guess you have to keep up with people and check in since you never know what will happen. If I recall, I had afailed date with miss alaska in march and kept in touch with a text msg every now and then. she finally saw me in june and invited me over… been " full time" since then 😉

  4. I'm thinking this guy is not interested. If a man is feeling you, he's not gonna leave opportunities for someone else to step in and snatch you up. Sure, some "little girls" may think he's a bug-a-boo for knocking your door down, but read the quotes "little girls." A real woman knows and recognizes what she wants and accepts it with open arms.

  5. I am going to agree with hasani in that women do it a LOT. how many times have you kept a dudes number in your phone that you CLEARLY aren't feeling, just for the sake of having a number. Its like the more on your team the better chances you have of getting something you want, ie dinner, movie dates, sex ect… No woman wants to be left with no team members no matter how much the team sucks. If you buzz a guy out the blue he always feels he has a chance, and he is probably doing the same exact thing you are….

    If I was her I would keep him in the phone and call him when I need something to "DO" we atleast know he is good for dinner dates lol.

    ps, in my turret syndrome voice THE FORUM BITES!

  6. So I would agree, he's not interested enough to keep a continuous conversation going but you are interesting enough not to completely kill all communication. He's stringing you along so he has a fall back for whatever (whatever really means sex eventually).

    -JM

  7. @HNIC: she was referring to herself as not wanting to be a Pyscho Bugaboo and not getting the hint to stop calling.

    i wonder why women always try to deipher everything into what "it means." he didnt call you back… what does that mean? he called you back… what does that mean? i cant sit around and try to pick into the brain of these men.

    like everyone else has said, the most likely reason is that he has lost interest. but most men and people in general dont feel the need to tell you so. esp. if you all only went on two dates. so i would just let things fizzle. even if he keeps sending the random messages, just take it with a grain of salt and peace out.

  8. MISTAKE NO 1: " I called him a few days later and being the phone-tagger that he proved to be, he didn’t pick up. "

    MISTAKE NO 2: " I said I’d wait until midweek to see if he would call — he didn’t. So I text him a “hey wassup” during the day and he responds with “so when r u going to call me.”

    MISTAKE NO 3: "So I replied, “hmm how could I forget about you when I called the other day…one could say you forgot about me.” "

    —-

    And the sky is falling again. I agree wiht SBM. To me its clear and it really can't get no clearer. We're not talking about a "shy" guy..who hems and haws at the office, not really sure how or when to ask you out. We are talking about a man straight up and down WHO IS NOT INTERESTED. We are also talking about a woman (who seems to be really nice and sweet) who is not letting the man FULLY PLAY IS HAND so that it may be easily interrpreted. Hence those mistakes at the top.

    When a man's "this is the one bell" has gone off. NOTHING. NOTHING. not sickness not the end of the world. Not a lost phone. NOTHING, will keep him from you and CALLING to initate a date.

    When a side jawns bell, or I got a girl, but let me see how i can play this, or let me get the roster ready for when Im bored, or when wifey messes up…when all those scenairo's appear, then you have the elusvive womanly behavior some men love oh so much.

  9. "Sure, some “little girls” may think he’s a bug-a-boo for knocking your door down,"

    dang..not knocking the door down. LOl..i would agree with this ..a man's bug a boo status is in proportion to how much you really don't like him. Men who ring your bell…can get away with A LOT.

  10. "Men who you ring your bell…can get away with a lot of rather crazy things."

    You ain't never lied.. me and my friends always say, " a phone call (NOT A TEXT MESSAGE) goes a long way….

    Homegirl who wrote the story, PLEASE don't respond to him anymore. Just wait. If he wants you, he'll give you a CLEAR sign.

  11. "I don’t think he is “that into you”."

    I agree with SBM and the others on this. He has you on "standby" and unless you want to be a standby chick, keep it moving.

  12. "PLEASE don’t respond to him anymore. Just wait. If he wants you, he’ll give you a CLEAR sign."

    i agree. And somebody needs to write a post about the importance of women not hanging their hat on ONE man. Dating like a whor$e with your legs closed in the precription of the day.

  13. "And somebody needs to write a post about the importance of women not hanging their hat on ONE man. Dating like a whor$e with your legs closed in the precription of the day"

    Maybe I'll work on this post. 🙂

  14. @Comeback

    "And somebody needs to write a post about the importance of women not hanging their hat on ONE man. Dating like a whor$e with your legs closed in the precription of the day."

    I agree with this totally. If you are not married or in a relationship see as many people as possible. What people don't get is that just because you date people of the opposite sex it is

    not mandatory that you sleep with them.

  15. " it isnot mandatory that you sleep with them"

    I agree. I actually have the personal belief that sex makes things too messy… Last month in church we talked about sex and the difference between the sexes… He referred to a book called Men are like Waffles and women are like spaghetti (or something like this)…. What it means is men are made up of different compartments and sex just happens to be one of those compartments. A man can have sex and it be just that. Women are like spaghetti because sex is one of those emotions that are intertwined. Once we get the sex, everything else gets wrapped up in that.

    I'm sure this does not speak for all women or men, but it certiainly applies to me.

  16. On the topic. Ths dude is not really into her but he will have sex with her. Basically he will sleep with her but he won't put in any effort to do so. If he was feeling her he would be more proactive than he is.

  17. @Nicki Sunshine
    "A man can have sex and it be just that. Women are like spaghetti because sex is one of those emotions that are intertwined. Once we get the sex, everything else gets wrapped up in that.

    I’m sure this does not speak for all women or men, but it certiainly applies to me."

    This is true. Men catch feelings sometimes too. I just wish I could find the women that can have sex and walk away like its nothing. They never come my way. lol.

  18. "He referred to a book called Men are like Waffles and women are like spaghetti (or something like this)…. "

    LOL..so Humble and Nick is yall 3rd eye seeing some sexu#ual relations in this letter???

  19. @Humble: "Men catch feelings sometimes too. I just wish I could find the women that can have sex and walk away like its nothing"

    You might need to find an "other…." a younger one, maybe 21-ish. I have "others" as friends and they pass friends around like it ain't nothin. lOL

    @Comeback: I dunno…. I'm not so clear with this one… on one hand, I'm thinkining sexual relations b/c of how she keeps trying to contact him and he's blase, hinting that the chase is up. On the other hand, I've been in the same sitch with a guy I hadn't had sex with.. we just didn't have a connection but he kept contacting me.

  20. Ding! Ding! Ding!
    We have a winner!
    Humble_One
    "Basically he will sleep with her but he won’t put in any effort to do so"
    That is truly hitting the nail on the head

  21. Is it really that surprising to many females that he is willing to put in quarter ass effort on the off chance he might get some head or some p*ssy?

    I just feel like I've been asked the question multiple times and it just seems ssssssoooooooooooooooo obvious!

  22. i agree MDUBB..i think Nick and Humble are on point. However, im sure someone will come on today talking about how busy men can get. and how women need to understand that when a man is busy its not personal.

    That is some Bullsyht…if a man (who interested) has time to go to eat, go to the bathroom etc.he has time to call. Death in my opinion is the only excuse.

    and if you were truly vibin' death may not even be a valid reason not call…even from the other side. to at least say he got there safely. LOL

  23. @Comeback: "That is some Bullsyht…if a man has time to go to eat, go to the bathroom etc.he has time to call."

    You see … right when we were getting along … you go say some ignorant stuff and just ruin everything!!!

    @Everyone: I'm thinking about adding a chatroom? Too much or good idea?

  24. too much re the chat room…im not even feeling the message board. it feels like the basement to me. Where you hide your crazy relatives. comments get off topic. thats how it happens. deal with it.

    my two centes

  25. @SBM: I'm thinking a chatroom would be a lot better than the forum. No one is over ther!

    Did Comeback say the crazy relatives??? LOL

  26. "That is some Bullsyht…if a man has time to go to eat, go to the bathroom etc.he has time to call.”

    But seriously, how much time would a FIVE MINUTE phone call take? Hey, how are you? Just wanted to let you know I've been busy but you were on my mind. Back to work. Bye bye… hope to c u this weekend."

  27. "Just wanted to let you know I’ve been busy but you were on my mind. Back to work. Bye bye… hope to c u this weekend"

    works like a charm

    in regards to the chat room, i can't really say. But I am with comeback n Nicki n that the forums feel like basement nobody goes in. There is alreay ONE crazy relative down there already….

  28. @Comeback
    "if a man (who interested) has time to go to eat, go to the bathroom etc.he has time to call. Death in my opinion is the only excuse"

    She has to be a bad mofo if I think of calling her in the same vein as I s**t and eat. So you are you saying that calling should be in the same rank as bathing, eating, breathing, and droppin the deuce?

  29. LOL at dropping the deuce.

    I don't think Comeback meant that.. I think what she was trying to say is saying "you didn't have time" to call is not an excuse. If you can find time to do all those other things, you can pick up the phone for five minutes.

  30. @Humble: That is exactly what she is saying … this is an argument between me and her that is as old as time.

    @Nicki: I have tried the 5 minute phone call. I think I am going to make that an official "wifey test". Some women are really really really not cool with the 5 minute phone call ("where do you have to go?" or "your hanging up already"). Sometimes 5 minute calls never suffice … so they get cut out.

    @Comeback: Why is calling you put on the same level as eating? I just don't get that!!!

  31. @SBM – I don't think the chat room is a good idea. I just saw your reply to my email. I'll revise it and send it back to you.

  32. Taking things in a different direction. Now there is a lot simpler forum on this page here.

    There is a tab at the top that has a link … hopefully this will work out better.

  33. SBM first of all…the whole calling thing is apart of the courtship dance. Its not something you do with a woman you met on the bus yesterday. However, every woman responds to their own courthsip requirements. Some women don't need long drawn out conversations. I don't. I actually prefer the face to face. But whatever it is, it needs to enacted in a way that the woman is clear there is interest.

    And it for me it needs to be clear. If i have to interpret ANYTHING. ive already put you in another catagory. life is about taking risks, and we all take them in different ways. Some men i think would rather not take them at all. And to that i say…se ya later fool.

  34. Comeback: I got your back.

    @SBM: I think you should make that a test… that will let you know who can be satisfied with the little things… hell, find someone who doesn't even like to talk on the phone much…. I hate those silent awkward conversations with men!

  35. Blah, blah, blah…my two cents for the day.

    Just kidding.

    He's not into you. Keep it moving. Ummm…thinking he should calling in the same importance as eating and sleeping is a bit much.

    SBM:You do that five minute phone call thing.

  36. @Comeback: Heck yeah… If a man is feeling me I want him to call… mind you I'd call too.. oh oh, reminds me of something Mr. Baltimore said a while back about his sporadic phone calls.

    Father SBM: Will I go off topic if I state it?

  37. "um where are all these complainers…who need to feel like their comments are being heard. Now is a great time to get in here with both feet."

    And I'm so sincere… 49 comments… heck, we got a forum for these very people and now they want to be silent.

  38. @Comeback

    "um where are all these complainers…who need to feel like their comments are being heard. Now is a great time to get in here with both feet."

    I've been wondering the same thing all day. They have had plenty opportunity to get in on the convo.

  39. @SBM: This goes to show you can't please everyone… you'll probably be getting another email b/c we're challenging them. LOL. Bye guys.

  40. ok,
    first Id like to say…

    if you have had less than 20 dates this past year.. sit down and stfu.

    2nd id like to say if you have never had a date that panned out into a relationship longer than 5 years, sit down and STFU

    3rd if you are under the age of 24 sit down and STFU.

    cuz I cant take someone 35 and longest relationship was a year as serious for giving out relationship advice.
    stop giving bad advice to people if the shit OBVIOUSLY hasnt been working for you.

    like the Sara Palin of dating up in here… seriously.

  41. Well im not 35 and i;ve certainly been in a relationship LONGER than a year. i would say that if you've dated more than 40 women AND STILL Haven't found SOMEONE (ONE) person to connect with and not call when they need you to play bob villa on "this old house" or tim's tool time…

    ???

    fill in the blank. how's that??

  42. I agree with SBM, he isn't that into. He calls when he wants to hang out, bored, or whatever. But its not going to turn into nothing more, I don't think. So determine if you want to deal with that. If not move on.

    That was easy. So what else is going on today.

  43. comeback.

    I am blessed with 3 divine women that make life grand for this old man and I am thankful everyday for the great relationships and people I have in my life at the moment.

    I have dated… ALOT this year. And I have dated in the past successfully for a third of my life.

    I just find it odd that you can say "OMFG YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKIN ABOUT" when All I do is date…. yet you have people who have no friggin clue what they are talking about…. and they offer advice all the time like. theres no credibility behind it, and if it didnt work for you… why would you guys poison another black person with your advice?

    would be like me giving advice on how to fix a weave insted of fixing a stove.

    On a side note… you got me good with the BoB Villa comment touche!

  44. Hasani is irkin me alittle. why do people assume just because your 33 you don't know nothin..i bet you dollars for donuts..had i have married the man i was "supposed to" 5 or 6 years ago or even the one two years ago. I would be in a bad situation right now.

    depressed in seattle or baltimore

    pick one.

    and those kinds of people have no business showing people how to screw in a light bulb much less give advice on a man.

    everything coupled ain't living God's gospel….and thats the truth.

    besides somebody told me i looked 25 yesterday. I;ll take that with 33 year old good sense ANYDAY OF THE WEEK.

  45. @Comeback: Some battles aint worth fighting. I know Hasani means well … and just like we have watched him transformed from a simp into a proud black man brimming with confidence … I am convinced he will again change from this arrogant self-righteous individual … into a respectful and confident black man.

    Time and patience …

  46. Yeah just want to say he is not that into her, but the whole texting and not calling and just all of that other phone bitchassness..is beginning to become a phenomenon….I can actually understand the writer's frustration cuz you walk a fine line between being interested and just looking pressed and hella desperate….I would tell her to leave the situation alone, cuz its just not worth it to try and be the side piece when he already half assing it anyway….Why bother giving him some at all if he cant even return a phone call?

  47. Sixty six comments is way better than fifty eleven hundred!! What's up everyone, hope all is well. Hey SBM baby, I miss you. I'll be back..need about another week to get it together.

  48. PIMP persona?
    Lets not equate a pimp… or a guy who is not nice to women….
    to me a great man who is great to women he dates.

    just because I have said I dont date fat chicks your always down on me now. give it a rest and stop feeding into both stereotypes.
    the "im an angry non remorseful black single 30something woman" and the "no black man can be any good they all have to be sluts conmen halfwits and dogs"

    I cant take you seriously when your always saying the exact opposite of what a SANE person would say.
    SBM is young, but he is trying to do the whole black love thang.

    Your NOT TRYING to love anyone except for yourself, and in every piece of advice I see you give I always feel you are giving someone advice based on how you want a guy to treat you or how you would treat a guy….and not how a man and a woman should interact to love eachother. so yeah, I feel your opinions are poisonous at times.

    Im a good man on and off the blog, just like your a cold hearted hateful person who dosent respect anyone else (as we saw by your audio tape) on and off the blog.
    I wouldnt say I have changed…. I have ALWAYS been a loving compassionate man. at an age where women want a man to love them… I happen to get one or two. if you offered to love a man and let a man love you I bet you would get a date as well 🙂

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