Home About Me I just don’t know … And you probably don’t either

I just don’t know … And you probably don’t either


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At one point I wanted female programmer.
Then I was sure I wanted a lawyer like Claire Huxtable.
Then I decided that a teacher was the perfect women.
Then, after watching Antoine Fisher, I needed a Navy Woman.
At some point a hood rat was all I wanted.
There was a time when a teacher was the prototype.

For a time … job and career didn’t matter at all.
I needed a woman who could cook and clean and do anal raise me kids.
Another time it didn’t matter … because we could hire a maid and eat out.

Then there was the obsession with great head.
The search for that “Aquafina” flow became paramount another time.
Then I needed an all out freak … threesomes and all.

I wanted a Southern Belle for awhile.
But at another time I needed someone to share my Caribbean heritage (I love Pepper pot).
Then I wanted an Indian woman … because I was loving buttered chicken.
Spanish Mami’s were the hot thing another time.

Then there was the Greek Thing
Delta’s held a special place in my heart … until I was convinced that they were all crazy.
AKA’s … my sorors … at some point became the ideal.
Then I didn’t want any greek woman.
Then any in the Divine Nine worked.

See Also:  I'm Not Saying You're a Gold Digger

The list goes on and on …

As you can see … I’ve wanted it all … and it has changed twice while writing this post.

Sure I might be a lil young (one more woman over 30 calls me a “baby” … I’m gonna kirk).  I know I haven’t been in a lot of relationships (Its hard to find someone who deserves it is worth it).  I know that I have the attention span of a 10 year old.  But it can’t just be me.

At one point in college I actually devised a point system to help with the “search”.  It included pretty much everything above, but instead of being a list of either “yes” or “no” … it was a ranked preference system.  For example … down for the threesome … +8 … Weave … -2 … don’t give head … -100.  In hindsight … it was pretty stupid (still better than lists!).

Worst thing … with each phase … I was 100% SURE I had gotten it right.  You couldn’t tell me different.  I’d argue harder than a thirsty ninja trying to holla at a phat a*s on the corner.

And then a month later … I was on something else …

It’s humbling to know … that you just don’t know.

This is why I making lists for dating more than the thought of Palin in as VP… what’s the point of fooling myself into thinking I know what I want?

See Also:  Tig Ol' Bitties

So … the new philosophy in my life (that I am preaching the gospel about) is just “wing it”.  I an so convinced that when I find someone … I’ll just know.  Sure I have a few dealbreakers I keep in mind (no crackheads, no satan worshippers … although I’ll bet they’ll be down for that threesome) … but I think I’m just gonna stumble through the whole dating thing moving forward … start letting life tell me what I want instead of me trying to tell myself that.

Join my movement … stop making lists … admit to yourself that you don’t know what you want!

Life will be better and more fun … come ride the roller coaster with me …


  1. I enjoyed this post. It makes sense.

    We spend too much time listing what we want, weeding people out, and thinking about it that we miss what we actually want.


  2. this is too funny… but the fact remains I know what I want. and I know that when this man comes into my life I will be the Queen that he has wants,needs, and desires. and when I'm certain of his position in my life, ill be happy to join the ACM!!!

  3. This is an axcellent post. I think we get bogged down making list and sometimes pass up a good man or woman because they aren't what the list dictated. I agree with SBM I go through phases of what I want. I was really into Indian guys for a while (not the cornballs who pick up when you call Dell lol), then it was Middle Eastern guys, at the moment i'm back to brothers. I change my mind perhaps every year. I think my requirements are just that he is mentally, spiritually, and physically normalstable.

  4. Good Morning

    I don't think there is anything wrong with knowing what you want…or not knowing. I think when you know what you want you have to also know if you are deserving.

  5. I wanted one Dark skinned sista, I mean blue black… that had nice long silky straight hair and I wound up with 3 high yellow women with non straight long silky hair. I wanted a woman who made less than me because I thought all women who had money were too concentrated on careers and not focused enough on what is most important and thats being in a good relationship….. and I wind up dating doctors models and vice principals who are all hyper focused on their careers, but still show me more love than they show anything else.
    I thought I liked a thick ass thick thighs and big boobs, but once I got out here noticed I actually prefer slender and more feminine looking women.

    ya, men can make a list but we NEVER stick to that shit. Love is way too complicated. I used to hate and not trust white people or country folk at all… til I fell in love with a wonderful white woman from the country. seriously, you cant predict anything.

    I do know about knowing your worth however. Now I myself would go on a first date with almost any sista that was single. but I am highly picky about 2nd dates. So I dont stick to a "list" at all when it comes to going out with a woman…. but her total value needs to be where I expect it to be, in order for her to get a 2nd date. if I couldnt go out and get two MORE women just as good as you… then why should I give up dating them to just date you??

  6. @QB: I hate lists because it could easily be wrong for years … and you wouldn't even know. Just walking around set up.

    Welcome to the ACM!

    @Akua: I "know" what I want everytime I go through one of these phases … but when I think about it … some real good things have come from bucking the trend.

    @Satya: I thought I was the only one who had the Indian fetish … I didn't know women went through it. What was it that did it for you?

    @WhySo: I'm telling you … lists are the devil.

  7. The culture is so rich and they come in all shades like us. Not to mention the food and reverence they have for educators. They are some really beautiful people. Believe me you're not the only one. =)

  8. @SBM
    "But at another time I needed someone to share my Caribbean heritage (I love Pepper pot)"

    i don't necessarily need someone to share my heritage – esp not another antiguan cuz that country is so small we might be related. on the other hand i do have a thing for my caribbean men…except jamaicans – i've dated a few (NOT good experiences at all) and I just can't escape those negros. i just prefer for you to be non-american black.

    btw i think i hate pepper pot, never tasted it but just from the way it looks – yilk! i felt the same way about foonji but then i tasted it and now, mi cyan have mi saltfish without mi foonji (or boiled/fried dumplings).

  9. Very good post! I'm one guilty of not knowing what I want but knowing exactly what I don't want.(crazy) I know I want the obvious, Christian, career, independant (there's also a height requirement. Sorry, I'm 5'8) but it all comes down to what I will and won't put up with and you don't know that until you get to know someone. Then what do you do when you find out that what you thought was their sense of humor is immaturity…back to the drawing board …

  10. I like this post. I think you might be right on just letting things flow. That doesn't mean you will tolerate everything for anyone. I think it just allows you to be more open. I think I kind of already do this in my dating life.

    but I think I’m just gonna stumble through the whole dating thing moving forward … start letting life tell me what I want instead of me trying to tell myself that…I agree!!

    I also think if you just start being friends with a person first it tends to flow alot better.

  11. Thank you for this post…I concur wholeheartedly. I used to think I had a "type" but since being divorced I haven't dealt with what I thought was my type. Now I say I don't have a type….its like the test the Supreme Court uses to derermine what's pornography: You just know it when you see it. I've identified a little of what "it" is (confidence, the ability to love and handle my quirks, self drive) but there's still much that is unknown. And I'm not even going to attempt to quantify or enumerate it. Its very hard to devise ANY system that spits out consistent & reliable outputs, so when you start talking about applying lists/formulas/rubrics to people…fuggitaboutit.

    Let me recommend the book "Zen and the Ar of Falling in Love" by Brenda Shoshana. It talks about what love is really about, and lists ain't one of them. Its about openness and acceptance, loved ones…..

  12. @QB: Lists suck … don't use them. Yeah they will give you direction … but its so hard to determine if that direction is right that you just can't trust em. Besides … late fate direct you …

    @Anesidora: I whole-heartedly agree. I feel like especially after being married and that not working out, then it really shows that anyone can be mistaken about what they really want out of another person.

    @Satya: I think it was my roomates and their bollywood videos with Ms. Universe in it that did it for me.

  13. @SBM
    It just looks yucky – maybe if I taste it I'll have a change of heart.

    kinda like anal sex…bwahahahaha

  14. @Redbone: Whats the height requirement? Women and the height requirement have killed me. I'm 6' myself, but one of my best friends is a lot shorter and I cant help but feel for him. hell, even at 6 I get discriminated against.

  15. Sorry SBM but there is nothing hot about a man shorter than you. I was seeing a guy who was only an inch taller than me for awhile. We were in the bar and a huge fight that involved multiple weapons broke out that started to move towards us – you think I felt any safer havin this mofo only an inch taller than me standin by me? Naw. Not that I couldnt handle myself but there is somethin sorta sexy about a man who can protect you…

  16. Yea list can box you in but I do say make em but be flexible…funny as many men up here love sports they ought to know some of the best coaches in the NFL "script" the first 15 plays then from there the QB can do what he wants.

    As for what I want. I have always known that I want a Corporate Woman (black no doubt yall just look too good going to work in the morning) but I have noticed that they are not feeling a brother like me (us hard to box in creative but dont work suit and tie joib types-we do take risk its called our career) so I have changed.

    Maybe I need a film chick…yea film/entertainment industry women can relate…oh and whats to relate to?

    Despite a job that pays as much as a Suit and Tie gig would (decent video editors can make $45-50 an hour )tons of corporate women ignore me until waaaaaaaaaaaay after the play is over. I dont wear suit and ties to work..not practical when working with lights that can emit 3200K (yes thats Kelivn degrees!!) of heat. This means I have to prove I can hang. I dont always tell the women in 666 5th ave or 825 8th "why" I am there. They just ponder aimlessly while I kick it with their MD about "shit they didnt think a Timberland wearing-denim attired brother with T.I. blaring from the iPod-could possibly know"

    She cant hide behind her "taste" so if she like wine cool. All I am going to do is ask her about wine, talk about the science, its soical history, Californias' role in producing it so forth and so on. And of course I will ask if she seent he film "Sideways". In other words if her sucess got her drinking wine then she better say it or she comes off like a dilettante. So I still want that down to earth Corporate Woman. Just leave the frontin under 25 yrs of age.

  17. i had a list that i was for sure was the man for me, someone who would compliment my personality and character. then i met him… him, the guy with everything on my list. we were just friends and couldn't be anything more… because i could not stand his a$$! funny when i think about it. just being friends was a struggle but it let me know that what i thought i wanted wasn't what i needed. i cut up that list three years ago and just wing. i'm attractive but nice guys are far and in between, but each dating experience is just that, an experience. a new venture to teach me what i like in a man, to show me what i won't tolerate, to learn how to love myself first. you have to know who you are and love thyself before you can give the same in a relationship. i'm only 25 and like most women i'm restless. but i'm self assured that he will come when i least suspect it. until then, live love learn.

    ~madd sexy cool~

  18. lol SBM I think my intro to Indians were Bollywood movies… from my Indian homegirl. And I think it is a lil harder for shorter guys to get play. I'm 5'7 I can't dig a man that not at least 5'9 (prefer taller though). He'd have to have an amazing personality if he's a shorty!

  19. @SBM: 6'0 is just making it because that would mean taller than me in heels. But like Satya put it you'd have to be extreamly awesome. Women like to feel like the little woman and if you're shorter than me…well you know.


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