Home Dating & Relationships Relationships FwB != Jump Off … I need validation

FwB != Jump Off … I need validation

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I’ve talked about Friends with Benefits before … and I’ve talked about it in the comments section … and I’ve talked about it with friends … and I guess I just got some more … questions.

First and Foremost … I am now at a point in my life where I want a girlfriend.  I want to genuinely form a real connection with someone … I want to be sleeping with someone who I truly like … and I want to give this whole love nonsense another try (I think).  I do want to feel “somekindaway” about … somebody.

But … I digress …

I draw a very clear and strong distinction between a Friend with Benefits (FwB) and the Jump Off (JO).

I’m talking about right and wrong …night and day … good and bad type of distinction.

I’m talking about Michael Jackson back as a little kid … and the white man we know today type of difference.

I’m talking about Nenee from The Real Housewives of Atlanta and Sheree type of different.

The Jump Off

Something or someone to Munish (wear out that backside with little or no regard for their satisfaction).  This person can’t ask for any favors … gas money … or a date.  As far as your concerned, this person has one person in life … and one only … to satisfy you sexually (or as close to satisfaction as they can muster).

See Also:  Typical Mistakes All Men Make In Dating: Part II

You don’t owe them anything … they owe you nothing either.  You can go date and see whoever else you want … you don’t have to answer any questions they ask … and honestly … you don’t even need to make sure they are sexually satisfied.  If they got issues with it … its their problem.  Essentially the whole relationship is one sided … parasitic even … sure they might enjoy themselves too (making it symbiotic) … but that’s not your concern.

The Friend With Benefits

This is your friend.

A real and honest friend.

Someone you care about and might even love.  You may thing of this person as a brother or a sister.  You spend time with them … but not because you have to do it or feel some type of obligation … you just like chilling with the person.  You guys might watch movies or go to the mall … but everyone is paying their own way (or you take turns … or whoever wants to pay does) and there is no pressure on anyone to put up money.

When stuff is going bad with them … you got their back.  They are just your buddy … but they don’t complain if you don’t call, they don’t complain about you dating someone and their honest with you … no reason to lie.

See Also:  Friends With Benefits Explained: More than just sex

Kind of like Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine.

And just like Jerry and Elaine (for a stretch of time) there is one key component … their having sex too (the only thing in common with the Jump Off).

So … SBM Family … readers of me and others … smart and intellectual individuals … here is my question

Is my definition of the FwB Real … and is do you agree with this distinction? Or … is the FwB and the JO one in the same?

Of course … I say … yes … yes … and Hell no (like a girl who is getting the bid-ness … but he ultimately wins that race).

I mean really … the word friend means a lot to me.  I think highly of my friends and they have usually been ride or die for awhile.  Sure … my friends with benefits are rarely friends of the same caliber … but they have always been people I cared about on some level.  If they were going through trouble … I’d support them … if they need to talk … we can talk.  If I’m cooking … they can come eat.  A good time is had by all … in the bed and outside.

See Also:  The Assist: The Male Matchmaker

It’s truly a symbiotic relationship … because its a friendship … and by definition everyone should benefit in a friendship. I hear many people talking about FwBs like they are lowly jump offs … but I say no!

So … good people … Feel me?

– Single Black “Why am I stealing Slim’s Signature Styling” Male

Comment(43)

  1. Ew SBM! You'd better not ever think of an FWB as " a brother or a sister. "

    I agree, they are two separate people…. A jump off is pretty much an unpaid prostitute, but she's okay with it b/c you are probably her prostitute too.

    Is there really a FWB relationship that can truly exist? I don't think so, someone is gonna end up getting hurt, no matter how long it takes.

  2. The difference between a FwB and Jump Off is:

    *A FwB may be someone you care about but choose not to commit too. A jump off is someone you bang when it's convenient for you to bang but care nothing for outside the bedroom*

    That's just my definition.

  3. I think your definitions are somewhat clear. A jump off is a person being used for sexual pleasure. While a FwB is a friend that you have an emotional and sexually connection, but now like two people that are talking to each other, right?

    So my question is, can a FwB ever become a significant other or are they just a good person that you or anyone can't just mess with without caring? Do most relationships start with a FwB status?

  4. Good and clear distinctions SBM.

    T.-I think a FwB can definitely come a significant other because when you look at it you have a foundation with this person that is amazing. Like you can be with them forever and you don't have to worry about putting up a front or faking, kinda like what's being talked about @ the Treehouse.

  5. I agree with everything you said in the post. The one tragic flaw to it is eventually all the good lovin will put a strain on the friendship. It takes to really strong individuals to pull that off. The problem with the two just saying phuk it and getting together is you know each others dirt. And knowing all a persons business can lead to trust issues and sh*t talking.

  6. They are definitely not one in the same…

    a jump off is a person you call or text, there is no conversation you were just briefing on when the next meeting will be

    no cuddling or even staying over after… you get what you need and get up and leave

    the friends with benefits.. you hang out, you chill, you talk on the phone even when its not about sex… you are friends first… and then on occassion you pleasure each other in the bedroom. you can stay over without feeling pressure of thinking your in a relationship.

  7. I had (key word HAD) a great FWB, for the time. Then something usually happens and ruins the friendship. The thing about FWB's is they can have the shelf-life of a loaf of bread, box of cereal or can of green beans…point being…all good things come to an end, because 1 of 4 things usually happen:

    1. Someone falls for the other person & feeling/emotions get involved, thereby making a "no-strings" feeling, more like a "rope" feeling
    2. Someone falls for someone else (girlfriend or boyfriending someone else, and not the FWB)
    3. People grow & realize that the FWB is only satisfying their short-term pleasures, when what they really want is a LTR
    4. It's no longer a FWB, & someone takes too much advantage of the status…

    In any case, you have to decide the shelf-life, be open, honest, & candid.

    With the J.O. you don't have to answer any questions…just be safe and keep it moving…

  8. "Is there really a FWB relationship that can truly exist? I don’t think so, someone is gonna end up getting hurt, no matter how long it takes."

    @ Nick..i agree..i can't believe this is being debated..there all low budget and they all get the "benefit" of NO committment.

    its just FwB eases most men's minds and make them feel like their doing better than just sleepin wit a random. I say DO YOU. but don't modifiy real definitions to make you feel better about it. Know going in what it is.

  9. @ Johnny "I agree with everything you said in the post. The one tragic flaw to it is eventually all the good lovin will put a strain on the friendship. It takes to really strong individuals to pull that off. The problem with the two just saying phuk it and getting together is you know each others dirt. And knowing all a persons business can lead to trust issues and sh*t talking."

    Your whole comment is a helluva point.

    @ DC Dating: I think #1 and #2 are by far the most common.

  10. i became the girlfriend from a fwb relationship.

    it didn't work out…

    i wish we woulda just stayed fwbs…

    JO's are cool at first..but someone usually gets tired of feeling used at some point..and doesn't want to be a JO no more and tries for a FWB

    fwbs are cool…generally you care about the person …and chill with them…but in the end..no relationship really transpires…fwbs can become possesive and jealous..thats the main problem with those…after a while..u THINK u want a relationship..and when fwbs end it can feel like a break up

    i think there is less chance of hurt with fwbs over real relationships..less expectations with fwbs vs relationships

    and we all know…expectations are disappointments waiting to happen..

    *sigh*

    again..i wish we woulda stayed fwbs

    I will be on the market for an FWB in the far future…now ..reluctantly..i join the celibacy club…

  11. DC Dating diva

    what do you mean by this?

    4. It’s no longer a FWB, & someone takes too much advantage of the status…

    This sounds familiar

  12. @True

    Someone takes advantage can be a variety of things…take advantage of the friendship, sexship, fwb status…start's thinking they are the GF, BF, Wife or hubby, becoming possessive, jealous…wanting the FWB all to themselves…

    Here's one question I have with the FWB thing…are you allowed to have sex with other people???

  13. [email protected]… that's some truth right there!

    i think there is something totally different between the JO and the FwB and that's really clear with your definition up there.

    do i think that they're right/wrong? i'm not sure if this is a right/wrong kinda situation… more like healthy/unhealthy… either way, i'm not sure how to answer cuz of my own history…

    but i do think that the dating diva said it best… just make sure you're safe. the rise of HIV/AIDs is higher then ever and i would have for my SBM to be afflicted with it…

    xoxo

  14. dc dating

    thats the problem with the fwb situation

    that line is clearly too thin..the whole "can you have sex with someone else" thing

  15. I agree. Jump offs are something to do to pass the time, while FWB's are friends. The only thing is, if your friendship is not solid and secure before you add the benefits, then sometimes feelings get involved and the relationship devolves into a jump off situation.
    Can FWB's ever turn into something bigger?
    I don't believe so.
    If you were really and truly friends first, then you know all the other persons dirt and their habits and so on and it can be hard to reconcile that into a significant other.
    From personal experience knowing the good and the bad doesn't leave a lot of wiggle room and sometimes there's supposed to be a little mystery in a relationship.

  16. I agree with the overall idea that JO and FWB is not synonymous.

    @Johnny McFly, I had a FwB for about 5 years, and neither of us caught feelings. I never thought of him in a romantic way, we just had a really strong sexual chemistry but no romantic love for one another. We have have been the exception rather than the norm, but it is possible.

  17. i was once told life is about choices not ulitmatums

    you can either choose to deal with something or not…but you cannot make someone (nor expect) them to do something …when you expect (the same as assume) you get met with disappoinment

    I belive you can only HOPE for the best…

    back to the topic..

    I have had a few fwbs that were great. we are still cool…and i dont get jealous with their new fwb or girl or whatever ….

    i hope my current ex and I can be FWBs or at least Friends

  18. "I’m talking about Michael Jackson back as a little kid … and the white man we know today type of difference."

    FwB's and Jumpoffs are even more different than that. It's like the black boy Michael then, and the white WOMAN Michael now. It's just jokes, Mike. Still love ya. Anyhow. FwB is definitely worlds apart from a jumpoff. The risk of someone developing feelings and/or getting hurt is much greater.

    And this:

    "Someone you care about and might even love. You may thing of this person as a brother or a sister."

    I'm gonna need you to separate brother/sister from FwB. A FRIEND can be like a brother/siter. A friend with benefits? Please no. You're on your way to becoming a Jerry Springer guest with that mess. Because if I think of my friend as a brother. That — by default and immadiately — eliminates any possibility of them becoming an FwB.

  19. Hey all, I haven't been on here in a while. I didn't read the comments but I thought a jump off, was when you are in a relationship with someone else and they are are side piece. Maybe I'm wrong.

  20. slim

    thats actually what he wanted when we were "together" imo

    he wanted me to be the wife and woman at home..while he got to do what he wanted when he wanted with whom

    we were fwbs at first….but he didn't want me to be with anyone else or go on dates..but he wanted (and did) whatever he wanted to…he wanted his cake and eat it too

    when I say I wasn't goin for that we decided the relationship thing..it was great for a while..but I found out he coulnd't let go of the single, no girlfriend lifestyle and often tried to justify him doing what he wanted many ways ie: cause i go to bed too early for him, cause he is a bartender and they have a different lifestyle etc…

    but why u gotta take girls home at 3 am and suggest you want to be invited up….

    why u callin them first when you wake up instead of me telling them u have a secret love for them (the stripper girl)

    and why u not coming home after a night of partying

    I wouldn't mind being his friend and then fwb…but he can't be all "you cant mess with other dudes but I can do wtf I want"

    its either one way or the other buddy

    Sorry..i got in my chest a little bit

  21. i used to get bored with my fwbs all the time

    i didn't like the jump off stuff ..no further comment on that..lets just say i'll never do that again..its too cheapening

    now I know what older folks mean when they refer to the person they seeing/intimate with as "my friend" or older men when they say "lady friend"

  22. kriscole

    jumpoffs can be but are not limited to:

    coworkers
    mistresses
    sidepeices
    fat girls
    unattractive girls/guys
    the hood rat girl that does you right
    the broke ass dude that does you right
    the simp that will always answer the phone
    the dumb girl that will always answer the phone

    just to name a few lol

  23. The problem with FWB's is usually rules…and once you start implementing rules it's no longer fun & easy.

    I had two great FWB's. One of which I'm still friends with from college, but it's easy with him because he lives in a different state.

    My most recent FWB is no longer a friend or FWB because he didn't come through for me as a friend when I really needed him to. (nothing dealing with sex) and I felt like he should have because we were friends first, FWB's second. In fact, we've been doing that on & off for 8 years…but then it was time to cut the cord…so I "killed" him…

  24. @DC Dating Diva: I read that post about you killing dude. You gotta be careful about them words … when I first say it on the sidebar … I thought the dude had actually met his demise and felt sorry for him mama … lol. I believe "dead it" is slightly more accepted.

  25. “its just FwB eases most men’s minds and make them feel like their doing better than just sleepin wit a random.”

    AMEN!

    My ex but now great guy friend is trying to turn me into a FWB.. I keep trying to tell him IT WON’T WORK!!!!! I think he’s is getting the point now though.

    “more like healthy/unhealthy”

    This is the truth, ladebelle.

  26. I do think FwBs are never sustainable. Something is always going to go wrong. And when some third person gets added to the mix … its usually going to be a wrap.

    I think good exes make the best FwBs. Keyword … good. This is if things didn’t end ugly … of course.

    @Peyso: Puh … your nice if they get bus fare.

    @ladybelle: I feel you on healthy vs. unhealthy.

    @Comeback: So there really is no difference? You do know you were the motivation behind this post … had to figure out if I was crazy or there is a distinction.

    @True: “expectations are disappointments waiting to happen” … I have a feeling you will be unfairly attacked in like 3 minutes … but I kinda feel you on this. You should have expectations with others and in life … but some just take it way out of hand and you know their gonna get themselves disappointed.

  27. SBM,

    Your definitions are pretty accurate, i tend to look at like an NBA Roster, a Jumpoff is the equivalent of the 10 day contract, the player serves a role, feels a roster spot, but is not guaranteed any P.T., whereas the FwB is a solid role player, someone you can call on to eat up some minutes, will work hard on both ends of the floor, and shows up when you need them.

  28. Once you disavow yourself of the illusion you construct that allows you to exist peacefully in the so-called "FWB" situation, they are both one in the same. Needless and destructive sacrifice of self for fleeting physical pleasures. Your soul will not survive it.

  29. FWBs and Jump-offs have more in common than not. Both are risky. If it works for you–do it…but if you want more, wait until you find the right person. No matter what you do, put a wrapper on it.

  30. @SBM …. please oh please don't feel sorry for that jerk…I guess, I "Cut him loose" is more appropriate…but it sure felt like I killed him. Quick and unexpected (he didn't think I had it in me)

    Now I need a new FWB, or at least some sex… I guess that's what FWB's are really good for…sex when you need it, and you can trust them ( hopefully)

    Now I am involuntarily celibate

  31. Man! I haven't had a HomieLoverFriend in a long time. I do remember it being no strings attached and we were cool. Then we just drifted in other directions.

    Ahhh, those were the days.

    So, definately not the same as JO.

  32. OK THIS IS SO TRUE!

    I have a JO and a guy whos a "fwb" and i think im falling for the fwb..which is horrible..he has no idea…and i think im loosing it! i dont wanna say lets date and i dont wanna just bounce..im sooo confused!

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