So the other day a chick calls me for my opinion regarding a Christmas gift. In short, it was the classic “How much is too much?”
Scenario
You have two grown consenting adults that have been dating for 3.5 weeks. On Black Friday, the young lady goes to Macy’s and makes the purchase of an argyle sweater and coordinating shirt for $80 as a Christmas gift. Her friend/shopping buddy (a friend of mine), calls me saying that this gift is too personal of a gift and too expensive for a girl to buy. Her main argument was that, “It has only been three and a half weeks” and was adamant on the purchase not being made. When she wrapped up her rant by saying, “He shouldn’t be getting anything at all,” I died a little inside.
Background Information
As stated before, the two have been dating for 3.5 weeks. Also of note – couple of weeks ago, dude was on a business trip in Atlantic City. Paid for the girl to come down. Got her her own room at The Trump, covered all meals and expenses and even took her shopping. Note: It is tricking whether you or your company has got it.
Mr. FAQs Take
People, this is how you will loose someone before you can really call them your own. First and foremost do not – under any circumstances -ever put a monetary amount on a relationship (be it with family, friends or your boo). If a person means anything to you, you should be giving gifts from the heart and not the wallet. If the person cares about you in return, they will appreciate whatever it is you can afford.
Secondly, take advice with a grain of salt. Even I know I’m wrong. I don’t give advice, I give opinions – this is my opinion. At the end of the day, it’s a decision you need to make on your own, mistakes and all. That being said, do not listen to your male/female bashing girl/dude who has been in a happy relationship for three years. Just because he/she and his/her man are both cheap, plain and simple, does not mean that the same precedence needs to be set for your budding relationship.
The concerned friend who called me – looking for me to side with her – said that a sweater and a shirt was to personal and that she should have gotten something more sentimental and cheap, like an Atlantic City shot 
glass. Let me just say that this is unacceptable as a gift for anyone who is not over 85 and participating in a White Elephant. Furthermore, sweater and shirt is about as generic as it gets when it comes to Christmas, birthdays or any other gift giving occasion. If the relationship is meant to go anywhere, it will be appreciated and worn, even if it is only within your presence.
Lastly, to address the argument of time – it doesn’t matter! We are about a month away from Christmas so to say it’s only been 3.5 weeks makes no sense. He wasn’t getting the gift on the spot; old girl was just trying to take advantage of a good sale. If by the 8 week mark he isn’t worthy enough for a sweater and shirt, he probably isn’t worthy enough of anything that you have been giving him either, na mean? This is also why keep the tags and receipts and get your money back if need be. I didn’t hear complaints or get calls when he was whisking her away for a weekend of tricking saying it was “only 2 weeks” so why when its his turn to be tricked on is it an issue? Give your new guy or girl who has made it pretty clear you mean something to them nothing and you will be kissing your cat on New Years Eve.
So when out shopping in this season of gift giving, don’t harp on the cost or the gift itself if you can afford it. Instead, give from your heart and do not listen to your friends.
– Mr. FAQs
"…do not – under any circumstances -ever put a monetary amount on a relationship (be it with family, friends or your boo). If a person means anything to you, you should be giving gifts from the heart and not the wallet. If the person cares about you in return, they will appreciate whatever it is you can afford."
THANK YOU! That's nothing but the truth. How much a person means to you cannot be measured in dollar amounts. To even attempt to do so is disrespectful as hell to the relationship, whatever the nature of it may be. That is such a wack move. I never do that…it's just tacky, plain and simple.
So uh, any good gift ideas to give a guy? I've never been good at picking out gifts, and I don't pick up on hints very well.
Hell, if that man did all of this:
"As stated before, the two have been dating for 3.5 weeks. Also of note – couple of weeks ago, dude was on a business trip in Atlantic City. Paid for the girl to come down. Got her her own room at The Trump, covered all meals and expenses and even took her shopping."
He DESERVED what she got him… it is not too much.
I might even add a "drop down and get my eagle on" for him. J/K, J/K
I think the issue here is that nobody wants to get made the fool.Yes we all know 'tis better to give than receive, but you KNOW you'd be salty if you bought someone a really nice, thoughtful gift and they got you a Brute/Love's Baby Soft box fragrance set from Wal-Mart. I think folks use the time thing as a guideline because its rude to ask "So how much YOU spendin?"
However I do agree with giving based on your means & what YOU wanna give, not based on some arbitraty time rule. And don't even bother if you're just gonna get someone some "impersonal" junk. Thoughtfulness is within everyone's budget.
"I think the issue here is that nobody wants to get made the fool.Yes we all know ’tis better to give than receive, but you KNOW you’d be salty if you bought someone a really nice, thoughtful gift and they got you a Brute/Love’s Baby Soft box fragrance set from Wal-Mart."
Hand claps to this.
I've been made the fool with gifts Plen-T of times.. so I now follow his lead…
I think that was the best advice you can give someone Faq's. Even if you get made a fool of by getting a better giftfor them, they are the ones that will feel stupid about it not you. So give from the heart, you can't knock yourself for going with that.
So, I'm definitely a gift giver. Can't help myself. I try to focus on things that I know for a fact my beau would like. For example…this Nikon camera was making his face light up EVERY TIME he talked about it. We went to Best Buy, I bought it, the guy handed him the box and said here you go sir…it was like the sun was lit fire again.
I also gave stress-relief shower gel. Big price differences. All appreciated. So just do what you gotta do you know.
Hmmm, interesting…one of the guys I am seeing says he doesn't do Christmas Gifts ( gave me the disclaimer 4 months ago)but he said he will buy me something for my b-day…at first I felt like you're just saying that because you don't want to spend any $$$, but then I felt kinda free…I don't have to get him anything…and if I choose to get him something, it's because I want to and not because I feel obligated to return the favor…nice job Mr. FAQ
i think the sweater and shirt are a nice give to give (and I agree very generic) especially since he was kind enough to ask her to accompany him out of time at his expense
I think that its a nice gesture…
but I only hope ole girl dont expect him to buy her a xmas present…
@Nicki: "I might even add a “drop down and get my eagle on” for him. J/K, J/K"
Don't j/k that girl. Don't j/k that.
dc dating..sounds like you are dating my ex boyfriend..lol
Lol…Nic-If you gonna mention getting the eagle on make sure you're about it.
I cant believe the jawn said that a sweater and a shirt was too personal. She's wildin. She made it seem like you were buyin him an engraved pendant or something. I strongly feel that the reason most relationships dont work is b/c of outside forces on the relationships.
@Slim and Jac: I can eagle… these legs are prreeeetty long. LOL
What is so personal about a shirt and sweater?
Let me guess … the friend is single …
I agree with PBG. one of the issues i see in relationships today is that most people, male or female, aren't as appreciative as they used to be. i know a lot of females that think they are obligated to such gifts and don't show any kind of apprecitation or never have the heart to give in return. even my true blue friends get gifts out of the blue for no reason and i don't expect anything back. if i see something cute that reminds me of you, i'm going to give it to you, no holiday or birthday needed. a smile and thank you is enough. the best gifts come from the heart.
For me, it's always the thought process behind the gift that counts.
A few years ago, I was taking care of this couple's son so I was @ their house a lot. The dad and I would talk music and about our kids a lot. I found out he was a huge Prince fan. I told him that I had been searching high and low for a copy of "Purple Rain" on DVD and couldn't find one and I also mentioned that my son was having a hard time grasping pronouns (he was a first grader at the time). All of this just in casual conversation. Lo and behold, when Christmas rolled around, he and his wife gave me the "Purple Rain" DVD AND "Schoolhouse Rock" for my son. I was really touched because that meant they had thought about ME as a person when selecting a gift for me for the holidays. That meant so much to me, even though they'd probably got them both from the bargain bin @ Wal-Mart.
@ SBM: lol, i was thinking the same thing. single and envious… probably even more so about the all expenses paid trip. only single chicks have something negative to say about a positive interaction between a man and a woman… lets motivate and encourage black love… seeing black people in love makes me happy and encouraged… *tear*… sorry had a lil moment there.
Dick in a Box…that's what I'm giving.
On a serious note…my family is doing a "no gifting" Xmas this year. We will eat dinner and be in good company with one another, but no stress about getting anyone anything. We figure since this recession (that we've felt for years before this shit) has hit everybody's pockets, we might as well take it back to the basics. Good food, good times.
to me a gift is a gift if its something I know he or she will appreciate and cherish money is np object. and in regards to time it doesn't matter how long we've been dating if we're doing a gift exchange it is what it is. girly acts like her friend was buying dude a rolex. its a freaking sweater!
CPT, my family is doing the same thing. We're only getting gifts for the kids (18 or younger). This guy I've been on a few dates with asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I responded nothing. He insists he's getting me something so I told him about my "no gift" buying this Christmas. He said he didn't care. I was like, "okay, don't feel bad if I don't have a gift for you, because I'm telling you now, I'm not buying any adult gifts."
Question–What do you about the person who insists on buying you a gift when you've expressed that you won't be buying one for them?
3.5 weeks…she ain't getting nuffin.
@Shelia:
Let them waste their money. I've never been a big gifter or receiver. I usually take time spent as a good gift, especially if it's good company. I had a chick I was seeing last year and she insisted on buying me stuff…only thing was, it was never anything I wanted or could really use. Of course, her little feelings got hurt when I wasn't but so enthusiastic about receiving her gifts, but I did warn her. I honestly would've just liked a backrub or some solid fellatio. I was only seeing her for about 1.5 months.
“…do not – under any circumstances -ever put a monetary amount on a relationship (be it with family, friends or your boo). If a person means anything to you, you should be giving gifts from the heart and not the wallet. If the person cares about you in return, they will appreciate whatever it is you can afford.”
Co-sign!
I'm a giver. I love giving gifts for Christmas. Especially surprises. It makes my Christmas to give a family/friend I love something they've never expected and to see their faces when they open the gift. So, I'd definitely give him something. It would be one of those things that he'd mention he liked off-chance and I'd surprise him that I listened/remembered. I like getting those kinds of gifts so why wouldn't I give them?
As far as price, well, people shouldn't be too salty this year because EVERYone is struggling.
I agree with you – if you wanna buy something, cool. If you don't, that's cool too. Just be comfortable either way. If you truly are giving from the kindness of the heart, it'll show… no matter how long you've been kickin it.
@Reign: And the fact that she actually called a guy to co-sign her salty hating really confirms it.
I have always been a "its the thought that counts" type of guy. I don't want something you think will look good on me although I'll hate it … or something I don't want or need, but you think will look cute in my living room. One reason I hate clothes as gifts.
One of the better gifts I got was the Simpson's on DVD. The girl new I loved the Simpson's (and cartoons in general) and got the newest one so she knew I wouldn't have it. She also bought me a personal copy of a book I had borrowed from her.
I can eagle… these legs are prreeeetty long.
LOL Hit it then.
Dick in a Box…that’s what I’m giving.
I think that's what I'm getting.
Oh and I put up some things to do for a man on SSSO…ladies and gentlemen please check it out and let me know what I left off.
"Dick in a Box…that’s what I’m giving. "
AHAHAHA. This never gets old. It should officially be part of the holidays. Like they should use them as decorations on street poles of major cities downtown.
"Step One…Cut a Hole in that Box!"
I think that a sweater and shirt is a great gift and $80 isn't bad at all. And if this woman is really digging this guy, it doesn't really matter that's it's only been 3.5 weeks. I'm a pleaser by nature and if I'm really into a guy, money doesn't matter. It's his happiness that matters. And since this guy was so generous about taking her on a trip, it seems like the generosity is reciprocated. So all the more points for him…maybe she should even throw in a silk tie!! The friend needs to get a grip and let her friend do her Christmas shopping. 🙂
i see im tardy for the party.
3.5 weeks IS TO SOON and again messes up the order of things. HE IS NOT HER MAN. as a disclaimer. MY MAN (the one I love) of x amount of YEARS might fyck up and get a 50 flat inch..
my gentleman caller of less than a month would fyck up and get a smile on our 3rd date.
problem 1..im 3rd eyein possible sex in here..cause to me if there isn't any "oxycotin connection" you aint thinkin bout no sweater and shirt (which is TOOO MUCH) im sorry.
The man does the gift giving FIRST..and unless he's droppin a tiffy bracelet down on it (which i doubt) this isn't a gift in kind.
so to recap.
1. no gift
2. no gift
3. no gift
***wondering if my position was clear***
"I have always been a “its the thought that counts” type of guy. I don’t want something you think will look good on me although I’ll hate it … or something I don’t want or need, but you think will look cute in my living room. One reason I hate clothes as gifts."
funny you said that. I got a v-neck sweater and some Edible Arrangements stuff last year. Needless to say I have yet to wear the sweater thanks to it's incompatible colors and I don't like chocolate covered fruit.
"i see im tardy for the party."
Comeback, You will parashute into hell for that comment
I am a giver as well. I remember the first Christmas with the guy I'm dating now, we had only been dating for about a month. I bought him a dvd and a dvd rack because he loved movies and his collection was over flowing. I didn't expect anything in return and surely didn't get anything (lol). Great thing is though now, I don't expect anything and always get treated to more than I can handle. He's not that good with Valentines day though, lol.
shyt…Sunny the "tardy for the party" song is about to BLOW UP..i hope some body puts it on youtube.
Comeback-We got it.
But he did take her to Atlantic City…that doesn't count?
", dude was on a business trip in Atlantic City. Paid for the girl to come down. "
@ Jac…i side eye'd and skipped over that..because i wasn't born yesterday..ive been traveling on business A LONG TIME..more than half of that expense was EXPENSED…
so why don't she just by his company a christmas gift..
come on now..mama comeback aint just fall of the turnip truck..
@Comeback: Always coming through … messing things up.
Sometimes your views just shock and amaze me. You really are by yourself on this one. Why is it that the guy has to buy the first gift? Why doesn't the trip count for anything? Why are you such a hater (yeah … I said it)?
"Always coming through … messing things up."
LOL…thanks SBM..i can easily fix that…didnt know that full agreeance is how great blogs go.
@Comeback: Ya know I love ya … but your like that Uncle that comes in telling stories of Vietnam hookers and catching crabs at Thanksgiving dinner … LMAO
"shyt…Sunny the “tardy for the party” song is about to BLOW UP..i hope some body puts it on youtube."
Aw hellls no. I cannot endorse that song.
"Vietnam hookers and catching crabs at Thanksgiving dinner"
I just threw up in my mouth.
@SBM – yeah, the friend sounds a bit green with her 'concerns'.
Folks should do for their SO/JO/FwB because they want to, and thus should not be concerned with timelines and whatnot. If you got it and you want to buy them something, go for it.
"telling stories of Vietnam hookers and catching crabs at Thanksgiving dinner … LMAO"
now you're taking it too far…
***old man voice*** grabs my crouc#h and sats down at the family table..listen here tho..they known each other 3.5 weeks, he took her to atlantic city??? on a company trip…
***gets out my old man calculator***
sumtin aint addin up to proper young man..it dont take ray charles to show stevie wonder that much.
The thing is, the hating friend calling to attempt to get a co-sign from me ISN'T single. She's a close friend and has been dating my boy for about three years now, so wouldn't necessarily say its a jealousy, prob her trust issues more than anything.
Me personally, I'm a great gift giver, no matter the person. I actually tend to listen to people and observe them, so I have a good idea on what they would value. On the other hand, people don't seem to do the same for me so unless its a surprise, I say give me cash and keep it simple. Yes, its impersonal but it works for me. Last year my moms gave me a sweater – it was fresh and maybe I could have worn it if I was my 7 year old cousin.
@Comeback: I think the overall point of the post and the comments is that there is no calculator. What doesn't add up? What more is there to even consider.
They are dating … he brought her on a trip … she gets him a gift … seems like two people working towards something.
I just can't find anything about an $80 sweater combo that is crazy. And just like Mr. FAQs said … they will have been dating almost 2 months by time he gets it.
*cough* hater *cough*
Hahaha…I completely agree SBM…and I think he should still be responsible for an xmas gift btw, the trip in my opinion was a "just cause" thing.
How am i a hater? Jac forced my hand on the trip thing. I was gonna pretend it wasn't there. But since i was asked AND its in THIS POST as a sort of quid quo pro…reciprocate me kind of way..i just thought i'd point out that little side note on the NOTION OF COMPANY EXPENSE.
He really didn't "buy" anything that fits the "one hand washes the other" kind of description. since room, food minus liquor was covered.
that could have been left out…and i tried to do that..but Jac forced me.
now given that…i also had to 3rd eye. Her Girl is lookin out. its not hatin. There elements to this story left out like:
1. SEX.
2. the emotions that are envoked that suggests "let me buy this negro a gift"
all those things could and should have been mentioned.
let me say..im not ahard @zz..i just read with more than two eyes..there are exceptions. And i could read those and thusly would have responded differntly…but …this is my opinon on the matter.
"it was fresh and maybe I could have worn it if I was my 7 year old cousin."
I'm dead.
I prefer gift cards also.
@ comeback, I don't agree at all that this is a tit for tat situation. I added the caveat of the trip just to show that this seems like the guy is serious about her on some type of level, not to say that she "owes him" anything…if thats his mentality, then yes f him, but I am only going off the info I was told. I painted the picture exactly as it was painted for me.
Sex was not mentioned nor do I think it is even that important
i appreciate your posts and reply Mr. FAQs please do keep us posted on how this romance goes. K?
thanks
@Comeback: I agree with Mr. FAQs … what does sex have to do with anything? Why do you think the girl is playing herself (at least that is what it seems you thing)?
SBM its just all out of order. The way its written at least. These people aren't in a relationship..if i was presented with a cinderella version of this story along wit an indication that the party is slowed down and its just them..then i might could endorse a "small" trinket of love and affection. YES EVEN AT WK 3..i do believe in magic.
BUT
Mr FAQS says: "People, this is how you will loose someone before you can really call them your own."
im sorry thats bullshyt..you lose it quicker by presuppossing something is there when it isn't EVEN ESTABLISHED. Im sure what comes first the chicken or the egg people will argue with me…but thats how i see it.
Comeback:Don't blame me. I was just saying.
@Comeback: You need a hug sweetheart.
**Bear Hug**
There you go.
I mean … really … it sounds like this girl likes this guy and the guy actually likes her back. Why are you assuming she is just this niave girl running to get her pretend man a gift while he dicks down the entire block? Why can't this be budding black love? Why can't this all be pretty and beautiful?
Mr. FAQs is right … the type of individual that is so reserved about doing nice things because its 2.2 days too soon is just gonna keep setting themselves up …
**church hug wit my azz stuck out**
yeah..but i still believe and stand by errythang i wrote.
@Comeback: *Sniffle* I thought I was the only one you vehemently disagreed with. I'm saddened. *Sniffle*
:o)
"Let them waste their money."
CPT and they better NOT get mad. I've already told them that whatever I say, I mean; so if they doubt it, they'll find out on that day.
The thing is with me…I do stuff throughout the year for folks I care about so me not doing gifts for adults this year isn't that big of a deal. Through the year, if I see something that one of my aunts or cousins might like, I get it…so on and so forth. The same would go for when I'm in a relationship (now don't get me wrong…I'm not doing all the giving—because if I was, I doublt he would get the first gift).
Hi, my name is knappi and I'm a lurker.
But I gots to comment on this mess.
Comeback, I don't know you, but I feel that we are internet spiritually connected.
The mere fact that homegirl has to call you and contemplate on whether she should have bought the gift for old boy FURTHER lets me know that she don't need to give him said gift. Cause if they were so close/connected/dating or whatever everyone is trying to claim, she would feel comfortable with her decision and wouldn't need to be second guessing herself.
Baby girl needs to fall back and re evaluate what they really are. Just cause a man pay for you to be his jump off for the weekend doth not make you his girl. She probably needs to just take that dick in a box and keep it moving. It's the gift that keeps on giving and leaves no questions asked…
Just reading the posts and them comments are cracking me up.
You guy's are a trip.
All of you!
Hi Sheila,
I'm SheliaG. I see we spell our names differently. I'll check out your blog here shortly. Stop by my page when you get a chance: http://www.sheliagoss (shameless plug…hey its Christmas…y'all need stocking stuffers…buy one of my books).
I'm out.
I think that was great advice you gave Mr.FAQ. Been in a similar situation although it was a little longer than 3.5 weeks that the guy and I had been dating. I probably spent twice as much as the guy did on the gift I gave him than he spent on mines but I didn't regret it because I 1) gave from the heart and 2) could afford it. I have never read this blog before but I will be back. I also like the fact that you said you don't give advice but opinions…I might have to bite that.