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SBM Answers: Creepin …

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This letter comes in from someone who just recently discovered us here … but she has come for the infallible wisdom of myself (and the family) and here is her story … read and enjoy … the first time I read it my mouth was open for about the whole second half of it.

It all started back in 2006, it was going on two years in my brand new home built from the ground up. Occupied by me, my husband and my two kids. I stayed home and took care of my kids and house, while my husband worked (a great job decent money) smoked weed, and spent ever waking moment with the teenagers and early twenties guys on my street.

They would hang out on my street all day and night. Or the (ring leader) house. His house was where anything goes. It was just two houses down from me. Rumors started about my husband and this guy sister who also lived there. She generally would f** anybody that would roll her a blunt. Which the rumor has it that’s exactly what happen with her and my husband. He says they just smoked, she says they f**ed. He claims she’s just mad he did not f**.

The lonelier I got the nosier I got, and noticed somebody myself. At the time he was only 19 years old like most of my husbands associates back then. But damn! He was and at 22 still fine as f**! I kept giving him the eye. He finally noticed but could not believe it. I could see it all in his face like, who me? His personality reminded me a lot of my first boyfriend who took my virginity, and of course I was crazy in love with. I am way out of this boy league. I at the time was 28, told him I was 24 everyone knew my husbands real age which then was 36.

The first time was back in 2006 when my friend and I had sex. Until this day I believe he knew exactly where my husband was that night. Because, I had no idea when my husband would show up. But my friend was so relaxed, almost like he knew my husband would not show up.

After that we swore are secret relationship to secrecy. He continued to hang with my husband and the crew like nothing never happen. My friend always kept a steady girlfriend. When him and his first girlfriend broke up. I encouraged him to get another girlfriend. It would keep everybody from being suspicious.

My friend kept me happy. My husband was gone most of the time and my friend would play with my kids, he was very sweet to them. But at times I would get the feeling he resented them. He would make little stupid comments. But, when I needed help around the house, he was always there to help or he would get one of his brothers to help me. We never really left this neighborhood together.

One night a couple years back. My friend told me, after sex, with nearly tear filled eyes he had to stop this. He felt to bad because of my husband and his relationship . I asked him did he care about my husband more than me? He dismiss the idea and we carried on our “thing”.

We did let one mutual friend know about us from the “crew.” The mutual friend and my friend was best friends. The mutual friend betrayed us, which is typical. He told somebody, who told somebody, who told my husband. But the mutual friend told my husband he only made it up. My husband believed him. Anyway I know he was skeptical. But the situation is to painful and unbelievable for him to ponder. This is really, out of character for me, “miss goody two shoes”, never does any wrong, “miss homebody”. All the things my husband says to me when we argue.

Throughout these last couple of years the crew has broken up. Most of them moved away or are in jail. My husband does not hang in the neighborhood like that anymore. He’s still not at home as much as he could be.

The girl my friend is with now, I think, he really likes her. She is pregnant. She is mean and nasty to him. I cant understand why he takes that from her. But he’s been with her for almost a year now. She is the fourth one since we’ve been together. I work at home. So, around twice a month we have sex during the day. In between time, he does not ever come to see how I’m doing or call me anymore. I miss that.

His family is moving to an apartment and him and his girlfriend is getting an apartment together in a few months. I don’t know what is going to happen to us. I know what should happen.

Let me tell you why I don’t want to let go.

My husband makes me feel insecure at times. I like having somebody to go to. Like an “ace in a hole”. I fell in love with that boy and told him twice. He never said it back. The first time I told him he told me not to fall in love, it was to late. The second time I told him, he was just silent. Is it possible he fell in love at one point also? I know I sound stupid, but I’m human. Give me some advice tell me what you think.

From: protectmyfamily

Now … I will be the first to admit that this definitely isn’t my expertise.  I haven’t been cheated on (to my knowledge … althought I have my suspicions) and I haven’t played the role of cheater … so I can’t really say I know the emotions of the party’s involved.  I’ve already told her my views over email … so I really want to open this up.

She will be reading (and hopefully commenting back) all of the comments. I’ve already deposited my nugget of wisdom for her … so … good people of SBM … friends … family … what’s your thoughts, feelings, reasons for blinding anger, whatever is on your mind.

Help this poor girl … for she is in desparate need of some good advice!

Comment(49)

  1. This definitely almost brought tears in my eyes.

    I would say (short and sweet) let him go. Do it for yourself and for your children. I would be happy to know that you are standing on your own two feet without a man to either raise or lower your self-esteem, just be you.

    I know the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I feel yours are honorable because you just want to love and be loved in return. But serious…do some soul-searching.

  2. SBM whats up.
    Miss! thats sad.
    If ur man never cheated on the girl he smoked a blunt with…….then why cheat on him. I would understanding if i cheated and the table turns. If ur man is a good man; you should let youngin go for real.

    Damn! thats foul,,,,,,,,,one man cant satisfy herrrrrrr.
    chow

  3. Wow, somebody please slap the sh!t out of her for me!

    Yes your man cheated, please know and believe that it actually went down. I know a girl who had a similar situation minus the kids.

    But you're acting like a teenager, grow up…you have kids that you are responsible for. That boy did not love you, if he had he wouldn't have gotten a girlfriend…not even to keep down suspicions. I hate to say this, but this is foolishness. I can't believe that your concern is about whether this boy loves you instead of your husband. Remember him, the man you made a committment too.

    The first two commentors seemed to have missed the point of this letter…you are trifling, yeah I said it. There is no excuse for adultery….NONE. You will not get a pass because your husband MAY have cheated.

    You are an adult, responsible for your own actions. And what kind of signal do you think you're sending to your kids. Cut it out already and act like you got some damn sense…pretend if you have to. But for the sake of your kids you must be better. You are their mother…start acting like it!

    Sorry if I offended you but I'm not much for coddling idiocracy.

  4. I hate to admit it, but I've been in a somewhat similar situation. And I'm divorced now. [insert plug for http://www.adventuresindivorce.blogspot.com here] I was Miss Goodie 2 Shoes, felt like I wasn't getting what I needed at home, found me a tenderoni "ace in the hole" to provide a patch… it's wrong, but it happens. So I can somewhat empathize, even if I don't condone.

    I firmly believe that cheating is a symptom of a serious underlying problem in your marriage, not a cause. That really is the FIRST issue. Sounds like her husband isn't giving her what she needs to be happy, and HE has some issues being 36 years old hanging out with KIDS engaging in tomfoolery all the time and leaving her alone. That is NOT the sign of a good husband. She needs to FIRST decide if her marriage is worth saving…. not all of them are. But they need to address their underlying issues of needs not being met…. both hers AND his.

    Now for the side piece issue…. let it go, leave it alone. Seems like he was taking advantage of her bad situation in her marriage…. shoplifting the pootie. Feelings or no feelings, it's just a pointless endeavor. With her being 30 (?) now and he's 22, that relationship doesn't have much long term potential anyway (Teacake and Janie doesn't happen too often in real life…"Their Eyes Were Watching God" by Zora Neale Hurston…. read it). If she does want to salvage her marriage, she's got to get this distraction out of her life because you can't divide up emotional energies like that and get anywhere.

    And for all y'all so quick to judge and lambaste this woman…. just wait til you live life a little more. You will find yourself in situations (maybe not necessarily like this) that you say you'd NEVER end up in.

  5. I would have to agree with Sabrina, you are trifling. Instead of worrying why your boo is moving, you need to be figuring out your marriage. You need to be real with your husband and pray he doesn't kill you and your lover.

  6. ok so two wrongs don't make it right but does it make it even as he**?

    ok so are u wrong? yes

    and is he wrong yes.

    but its like this u transferred the love and energy you felt for your husband onto this boy and what did u get out of it but a wet a** and a broken heart?

    your children are a priority.

    if u love ur husband fix ur marriage

    if u don't then don't drag this on anylonger.

  7. when there is a HOLE, almost anything occupying its space will make it seem FULL.
    Your first mistake was allowed yourself to feel abandoned in your marriage and choosing to cheat instead of LEAVE or find correction in that situation. That's the past though.

    Your decisions right now are clouded by lowered self esteem and being deep in a really bad situation.

    What you need to do is walk away from this empty relationship with dude, either work on the marriage or let that go and then work on you. You are DEEPLY wounded and until those wounds are addressed properly, you are destined to repeat these mistakes.

    Love yourself just a little bit more than HIM (whoever H# is) and you will learn to make better decisions. You are chasing what you think love should feel and look like which is taking you in the wrong direction. Your jumpoff (which is all he is) does not love you. And you don't love him, u love how he made u feel. Your husband doesn't know how to show that he loves you and you don't seem to know how to ask/demand what you need in that marriage.

    Work on you…so you can eliminate the cycle of madness.

  8. @Anesidora: Yes we all make mistakes and I'm not labasting her but I do believe in a little thing called accountability. Her husband obviously has some issues that he needs to work though, but I can not empathize with this situation. People always try and justify their dirty instead of seeing it for what it is. She is the mother of 2 children and just because her husband decided to step away from reality doesn't give her the right to…someone has to be the responsible adult and role model and give these kids a healthy construction of what relationships should and could be.

    I'm sorry but I just can't jump on the sympathy express. I've had men cheat and one even leave me and my child but it's not the end all be all. Integrity is far more important than temporary satisfaction.

    And her side piece didn't take advantage of anything. She was 28 damn years old…if anything she's been taking advantage of him to fill her void.

  9. At first I wasn't going to comment on this because I am not and have never been married…also, have never been in this situation, but I have to agree 99% with Anesidora …

    If you think the marriage is worth saving, leave the kid alone, get some marriage counseling (and counseling for your self-esteem issues)

  10. I validate Sabrina, EXCEPT to add..

    WTF kind of marriage is this? Spouse hanging out smoking weed with young bwois… how old are these folks? Cheat for cheat?

    Am I the only one that doesn't think they may have not been ready for marriage in the first place?

  11. @Sabrina: It takes 2 people to make a relationship work. You can't have 1 "responsible adult" doing all the heavy lifting for both people. Also, kids aren't seeing the cheating, they're seeing the collateral effects of the troubled marriage. And if you are in a constant state of strife, that is NOT a good example for kids either. That's why I say they BOTH need to do some changing.

    And empathy is not the same as sympathy. Just means that I've felt what she's going through, not that I think it's ok or right. What I did wasn't right, what she's doing isn't right. But feelings are always real and sometimes we just need someone to say "You know, right or wrong, I've been there too." If you've never been in a similar situation, then by definition you can't empathize (which is unlike sympathy).

    And by "taking advantage of" I don't mean she was bamboozled or anything like that. Just means that the situation created an opportunity, and he stepped in to be the shoulder to cry on (amongst other things). He would've never been on the scene otherwise.

  12. @Nicki: I do agree with your last point, and that's why I say it all has to start with the foundation of the marriage. Neither one of them are acting like folks that want to be in a marriage. Gonna have to change that or quit wasting each other's (and everyone else dragged into the mess) time.

    But people get (and stay) married because they have kids ALLLLL the time. Our society encourages people to stay married "for the kids" when it otherwise is a complete disaster. I say if you can't or aren't willing to fix it, get out of it, and quit giving these children jacked up examples of what a relationship is. That was my rationale behind my divorce.

  13. i wish i could get the 4 mins back it took me to get through this tomfoolishness of a letter. The first paragraph was the real indication…This man is 36 (at the time and he's hangin with teenagers and earlier 20's people ON THE CORNER) like he's 12.

    "whats all on a nagga's mind" to quote "its so cold in the d"

    and whats on this letter writer's. law of attraction ain't never lied to me…like attracts like everyday all day.

  14. @Anesidora: thanks chica.

    I agree… people tend to get married for the kids, but that's not exactly healthy.. Kids are smart and they will learn what's going on as time continues… they will see the unhappiness and it just may go on to mold their thoughts and ideals of a relationship.

  15. I wanna know how the husband "makes her feel insecure sometimes"? That can mean a lot of different things. Some of which she may not feel comfortable disclosing. Having somebody on the side for years is reckless. Sounds like the young buck just enjoys comin over for the sessions and isn't really about much more. I'd never sleep with a married woman. Men are territorial and I don't need my thoughts all apartment.

  16. Hey Sabrina….I'm not saying that she's not wrong. But I feel like there's more going on that what was outlined in this letter.

    Big red flags went off @ the "makes her feel insecure sometimes"…

    This can destroy a marriage a hell of a lot faster than cheating…although I still believe she might do better as a single woman just doing her for her kids.

  17. Girl, you got a sticky situation on your hands. No judgment here, but obviously you and your husband need to work on some things in your relationship. THAT IS YOUR HUSBAND, not your boyfriend, yall made a commitment before God. You and your husband need to both work together to get that old thang back that made you marry him in the first place. I dont suggest divorce, but I do highly recommend that you leave your "friend" alone. He has a family of his own now, and the fact the he would never tell you he loved you says enough. Sounds like he is trying yo break it off wit you. I think this can be fixed with prayer, honetly, and a whole lot of work. Cleary your husband probably had some things goin on too, you both need to be completly honest with each other and keep that family together. Things will get better but only if you really want them to.

  18. Tell em how you really feel: Ok, well since you asked. She signed her letter "protectmyfamily" yet her main focus throughout the letter was to highlight how sorry her husband was in an attempt to gain sympathy for HER indiscretions.

    She also ended her letter with questions regarding the side-piece and where his head in at instead of what to do to make her marriage work. So Anedisora and Jac I don't mean to get all Sally Jesse Raphael on yall, but she lost me at "it all started back…"

    SHE has to come to terms with the mistakes she's been making and refocus her energy on her FAMILY…let me repeat that, REFOCUS HER ENERGY ON HER FAMILY, instead of worrying about some little boy who is about to have a family of his own to worry about.

    So no "protectmyfamily" he never loved you…you were just some older chic he was knocking off while he was also allowed to do him. You reap what you sew…and it seems to me that you planted a lot of seeds for this mess that you're in.

    Oh and either get counseling or ditch the husband…that's the real question you should be asking…"how do I protect my family?" Trust me, the answer doesn't lie in whether or not side piece ever really loved you.

  19. All I can say is do some soul searching and let the tender on the side go and let him be. We all make mistakes. I'm really at lost for words. But bottom line, you need to do some work on you first.

  20. @protectmyfamily: I've never been married so I can't really offer completely sound advice on what direction your marriage should be headed, but the first thing that came to this mind is that you need to focus on YOU and your FAMILY…not so much on the guy who has decided to focus on HIM and his FAMILY.

  21. *Disclaimer* I have never been married. I think you should sit down, count up the pros and costs and figure out if your marriage is worth salvaging. Our grandparents didn't stay married 50 years because nobody cheated or made mistakes. They stayed married 50 years because they WANTED to stay married, no matter the price. What is your marriage worth to you? The end.

  22. Wow… i wasn't jaw dropped just more like WTF, are you kidding me?! the mean truth has already been provided. i co-sign. at the first read i thought these people were just out of high school but they are, age wise, grown ass people. this chick has major insecurities that she needs to address and finding the security in a suitor is not whats hott. maybe it's out of fear because she is a stay at home mom that she feels some what trapped in the situation. the cheating was not the way to handle it. but she at least had the courage to reach out for advice. as we can see she's not the best at making rational decisions.

  23. I do agree that there was too much focus spent on the side piece. It also seems like he is leaving a little too much on his own accord instead of being pushed away.

    Honestly … when I first read it … I felt really really sorry for the husband. He's definitely not holding it down as good as he should … but you have your friend be cheating with your wife for 2 year is … just … damn.

  24. @ SBM: good point. husband definitely needs to grow up, but homeboy was wrong. she did say the crew broke up a bit, but still i'd cut a close female friend if she ever mess with my man. like for real.

  25. I wasn’t going to comment, but this sounds too much like Desperate Housewives (Season 1), when Gabi was messing with the 19-year old gardner. Not to compare this woman’s life to that of a television show, but this has drama written all over it. The difference between her and Gabi, though, seems to be maturity. (Honestly, at first read, I assumed she was 10 years younger.)

    I’m bothered by a few things:

    1. Why is this “friend” playing with her kids? Maybe he fits right in…(pause)

    2. Why is she looking for love in the side-piece?

    I’m sorry, but I don’t feel sorry for “this poor girl.” She made her bed and is still laying in the wrong one. Just to echo what most have said, rather than being concerned about the “friend” and why he doesn’t love her, she should focus on her inner struggles (e.g., low self-esteem issues) and her failing marriage.

  26. ^^^ yep

    The poor girl is not internally set. The fact that she sees something wrong with it, yet still continues to participate in the behavior is fucked up.

    She needs to work on herself first. But remember, you are not a girlfriend, jumpoff, fwb etc. you are a WIFE.

    WIFE.

  27. I didn't read all the comments (Shoot me!) But I just wanted to say…. Why are you married? If it aint what you want, don't ruin the family over it.

  28. What marriage??? this was NEVER A MARRIAGE. she has always been the girlfriend. And he STILL AINT COMING HOME. His friends are locked up and he's found his "fun" somewhere else. There is nothing to concentrate on..

  29. I'm trying to catch up on the comments. Again wanted to comment on the "he makes her feel insecure" thing. Now I'm no expert. But I don't know how this happens. I've been insecure, and I've said "you make me feel insecure" but once I got my ish together… I realized that I made myself insecure. I make my own rules for how I wake up and feel everyday. If someone's not holding up their end of the deal, I need to move on.

  30. -I concur with DC Dating Diva. At first I wasn't going to comment bc I've never been marriedbut had to.
    -I also have to agree with Sabrina although i Probablly wouldn't have said things exactly the way she did lol.
    -"Protect my family" your behavior is unacceptable. You decided to cheat because your husband cheated. Two wrongs don't make it right. Clearly you didn't and don't want to leave your husband.Instead of acting like a 16 year old and cheating to get back at him you should have been woman enough to address the cheating situation and find out if your hubby still wanted to be with you and find the proper steps to save your marriage. If he didn't that would have been your cue to move on.
    For the record the guy did not/does not love you. I am not a man but I have plenty of homeboys that always say if a man really cares about you he is not willing to share you with anyone else. Slim Jackson just said men are territorial. If he cared he would not have taken on a gf to evade suspicions nor would he continue to "be with you" while you are still married. He has been sticking around because you are a CCS (constant coochie supply). No commitment needed, he doesn't have to answer to you, and he knows you don't wanna ruin your family so you can't put him on blast. Leave the youngin alone!! Find out If your hubby wants to work things out and if he does first thing ya'll need to do is move! He needs to drop his silly ass habbit of hanging out with youngstas

  31. @SBM: how could you feel sorry for the husband?

    He's hanging around with a bunch of juvenile delinquents, there's no honor amongst theives. And I see a REAL SERIOUS problem if a 36 year old man seeks loyalty and a life-long bond with a 19 yr old. He can no honestly call that boy his friend.

    If his @ss was at home with his wife and children none of this would have happened…but that statement in no way dismisses any culpability on the wife's part.

    It's just messy all around.

  32. @Sabrina: I mean … dude might slum at life just a little … but who wants to be known as the guy whose sexy wife is sleeping with his teenage friend. If he was a samurai … he'd have to kill himself for being dishonored.

    @Satya: The husband having cheated has never been confirmed. We went back a few emails talking about that aspect. The conclusion we had arrived to was something probably half went down (the tip went in, etc) and then he stopped it. Not saying that he didn't do it though, but I really don't think it had anything to do with revenge.

  33. All I could really do was shake my head as I read this woman's letter. This thing went from bad to worse to "what the hell" so fast! And two years is a long time and being that this woman is in love with the guy makes it all the more difficult.

    But all in all, girlfriend, if you are reading this, you definitely need to stop seeing this young friend. He's not in love with you. He is using you for sex. He's got a girlfriend that he will soon be living with and will soon have a child. Being the older woman that you are, you need to step back, regroup, forget about him and focus on YOUR family. There's been a major breakdown in your marriage and from this letter…it's hard to see your husband's whereabouts as far as where he stands in this marriage. But when you said he had a GOOD job but then said smokes weed and hangs with friends, you kind of lost me. Sounds like the foundation of your relationship was shaky from the get-go (that is based on the pic you've painted of this man smoking weed, hanging out with kids, and never being home with his family. Shows me his character is lacking).

    Would I say all hope is gone? Definitely not. I believe that there are no impossible situations or scenarios. With effort, communication and counseling, this relationship could be salvaged.

    But first things first…lose the young dude. Second, pray. Did I just say pray? Yes, I did said it…girl, get on your knees and pray to the ONLY One who can help YOU, your HUSBAND, your family and your marriage. Honestly, this situation is beyond some good, well-intentioned advice from your friends or any other person for that matter.

    That's my two cents…hope you found something in there helpful.

  34. -SBM- Ok perhaps her creeping wasn't revengen bc she thought he cheated. however, it was still juvenile. "he sometimes makes me fell insecure" can mean many things. this was one of her motives for cheating. instead of being an adult a saying to her her huband " this particular behavior or whatever makes me feel a certain way" or something along those line she took on a young tenderoni. and to top it off she doesn't even know if he cheated bc she never addressed the situation. I stick by the opinion to drop the youngin, figure out if she wants to still be in her marriage and if her hubby does and get their or her life on track. there are kids invilved here. what kind of example are you setting for your children? Get your house in order.

  35. wowzers… ***closing my mouth***

    this is bringing me back to thecomebackgirl's post today about being "that" girl…

    my heart really goes out to her… but not because she doesn't know what decision to make, but more because her self-worth and self-esteem is so low… if it was that she didn't want to let him go because the sex was so good, i would think it was selfish but understandable… ok… so enuff about that…

    my advice is to let the JO go and really take some time to soul search… i recommend reading "yesterday i cried" and "in the meantime" by iyanla vanzant. it sounds like neither the husband or the wife honors each other or the marriage so i would also suggest really deciding if marriage is what's healthiest here. surely the kids need something better…

    just my suggestion… but really sis, do some work on yourself.

  36. Look who snuck on SBM while at work! If I get fired, I will be soliciting for donations.

    It took me a minute to get through this letter. Too many typos and too much stupidity…but anyways, I digress.

    This is up there with the Steve Harvey "Strawberry Letters" where the person obviously knows what they should do, but they need Steve to shame them into actually taking action. I don't really care enough about the actual situation to take a side on it, but I do hope that whatever you decide to do, it works out for you and your kids.

  37. I felt insecure because my husband's focus was not on his family as it should have been. But your all RIGHT. I am leaving "youngin" alone. Those of you who gave it to me ruff and raw such as Sabrina……Thank you, it was a real eye opener. My husband loves me and I love him. For the record my friend and I never carried on in front of my children. They saw all of us as just friends. Yes, I have been praying. But it's a struggle everyday…..Thank you so much for everyones advice. It will be much easier to leave him alone….based on your opioion that youngin never really cared. And you do see there is a chance my marriage could still work.

  38. In my opinion…

    I believe the minute you even turned to LOOK and have THOUGHTS about another man is the moment you gave up hope for the 2 of you (you and your husband). I don't honestly believe your husband was in it from the beginning wholeheartedly either. At some point there in the beginning, your husband didn't commit. He should have. He should have made you and his family his priority. He didn't.

    Now, you obviously lost hope because he wasn't giving any reason to hold onto hope. You guys should have split a long time ago.

    The honesty is gone.

    The trust is gone.

    The respect is gone.

    There is nothing there between you two except the kids.

    Let go of little-man unless you are willing to deal with major mama drama the rest of your life.

    I'm a little bit indifferent about the whole cheating part, though.

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