The First Date
Have you really taken a second to think about all that goes into a first date, the things that can come out of this date, or how your life may forever be ruined over 1-3 hours of your time? You haven’t … go ahead … I’ll wait.
Done … aight.
Its like a job interview. You might not want the job in the end … but you might not like the people and they might not like you, a better offer might come up … or you may realize the girl interviewing you looks so good you would have a sexual harassment suit on you within 3 months of the job its just not what you want. Nonetheless … you want them to want you.
A first date is the same thing … no matter whether or not you want them … you want them to want you. Lets face it … we are all personally power hungry control freaks want to control our destinies … so if anyone is not gonna get called back … it’s gonna be them … not you.
So … here is where I introduce … “The Performance”.
Your boy SBM is a chameleon of sorts … not fake … not an impostor … but I am pretty good at reading the personality and traits of another person and acting accordingly. Example:
*At Morton’s attempting to ask the hostess why me and my date have been waiting for 20 minutes for my reservation*
“Miss … I’m sorry … but we have been waiting over 20 minutes for a reservation I made a week ago. Can you please get us seated of call over your manager?”
*At the local carryout waiting on my 3 wings and fries with Mumbo Sauce at 2 am … while someone falls asleep in the shop … hustle man is selling bootleg DVDs (including porn) … and some high schooler is beating his feet*
“B*TCH … Where is my gotdamn food?” … said while attempting to throw chair through the bullet proof glass.
Do you see how I successfully took used varied approaches in order to obtain the desired result in two very different situations? Call it a benefit of being in the nice part of the hood, or doing the good program at a bad school, or just going to a PWI with a lot of black folk … either way … being multifaceted is a life skill.
Back to the date …
On a first date … I am a showman (or I at least aim to be). I have had situations where as soon as I see the girl I think “f*ck”, or as soon as she engages me in more than 15 minutes of non phone communication I’m ready to shoot myself in the eye … or even worst … she comes close to say hello and give me a hug … and you almost pass out because of the B.O. and bad breath combination want to hand her a tic tac.
No matter the reason … no matter that I have mentally disqualified her within 5 minutes of meeting … irregardless of the fact that I promise myself to never get a number in a dark club again and insist on being sent pictures to my phone … I have one goal for the rest of the night … to be everything she wants in a guy.
I know this can’t just be me …
Once I have committed myself to this first real encounter … then I’m gonna put my whole a$$ into it (because we know half-a$$ing through life gets us nowhere) … even if my a$$ would make a better date.
Now … SBM is no shallow man … not at all. Looks is one thing that can cause this … but its usually some personality defect. Good ones include:
*Early signs of gold-diggery (“What do you mean you don’t have a Bentley? I mean … a 745 at least … right”)
*Body odor and/or bad breath
*Stupidity (“Wait … so Obama really isn’t a muslim terrorist?”)
*Talking about ex (“Hey SBM … My boyfriend’s brother’s middle name was SBM. My boyfriend was a real family man”)
*Sudden surprises (“Didn’t I tell you I had 5 kids over the phone? Oh … must have slipped my mind”)
So what do you do when you encounter any of these things and your first thought is to push them in the face and run home leave through the bathroom window … smile … and charm their socks off!
Am I alone? Do you share the same commitment to “The Performance” that is the first date … no matter how bad the co-star? Is it “unfair” to pretend to be interested as you delete their number out your phone under the table?
Tell me …
I don't do this… When I'm disgusted/pissed off/turned off, etc., I get quiet, and blank stare EVERYTHING…. he will attempt to carry on a normal conversation with me and I'll just look at him or give one word answers. (I had to pull this one out last night. LOL!) I know it's mean but it's my automatic defense mechanism!!!!
I think all men do this. No matter the situation I want to percieved as a great guy, sh*t she might have friends or cousins. Most mature men wouldn't push to be an a$$hole just because she doesn't meet expectations.
I have a hard time acting interested if I'm not. I'll still be cordial or civil, but I cannot deny my true emotions for an extended time. Like Sunshine I automatically start with the short one word answers. It's like I'm on autopilot or something. It's how I react whether I really want to or not.
I try my best to be nice and carry out the date. Because of that, I am always having to give the "I think we should just be friends" talk three days later when they are pressing for date two.
Now I have a question. "irregardless of the fact that I promise myself to never get a number in a dark club again and insist on being sent pictures to my phone" … is that why strange men ask for pics? I chalked it up to dude being a nasty perv and blocked the number.
See now… that "performance" of yours is what creates stalkers. lol If you're giving the impression that you're thoroughly enjoying yourself on the date, then he/she is going to automatically assume that you're going to be interested in a second. That's when the nonstop barrage of phone calls begins and when you don't answer, Mr. or Ms. Crazy will be showing up at your door. I personally find that honesty is the best policy. Certainly I will remain cordial throughout the date, but if I don't think things are going to work out, I tell him that.
"Irregardless" is NOT a word, lol!!
I agree with Mr. McFly. Dont wanna mess up the future.
i hate first dates. they are so uncomfortable. if i decide i don't like the guy, for whatever reason, the date gets cut short. i either get a "headache", or a "stomache ache" or "sleepy" or whatever other excuse i make up at the moment. i remain cordial, but if i'm having the waiter put my salad in a to-go box, that should be a big signal to the guy that i'm not feeling him.
I'm starting to see a clear male and female distinction here.
I guess the chances of stalkers and crazy bug-a-boos are just much less of a worry for us … and like Johnny said … she might have friends!
@Britt: That is usually why I ask for pics. I'll ask someone I already dated for some bra or nipple shots … but your average club chic its just because I was drunk and there were no lights when we talked.
I don't do many dates. Perhaps that's why I write for this website.lol. When I do go on a date, I do give it my all though since it's such a rare thing. I like makin people laugh and I'm usually pretty good at it. If I'm failing at that, it's usually cuz the person is just too stuffy for me. Like seriously, I adjust the type of humor to the audience. If she isn't opened to being entertained in addition to learnin bout where I went to school and all that, I get turned off. I won't end it early though. I'll just force them to talk a lot while I think of my plans for the next day.
Eh…I can't do it. If I'm not interested, I'm not wasting my energy. That would call for a very unbalanced date. He reaps all the benefits of the goodness, while contributing absolutely nothing? Yea, that's stealing.
Usually, I make it painfully obvious that I'm not interested. Perhaps I'll start texting and laughing at the table, while not making eye contact. Or maybe I'll start going through my digital camera, reflecting on happier, more entertaining times.
As much as I despise dating, I just remain myself and let her feel me out.
I don't have very bad dates, which is the irony of things. I usually know a date is going good because the women will INSIST on paying the check and following my lead at whatever is after dinner/drinks. This doesn't always mean sex but they will want more time with the Captain…
Nyela Goodness: "Or maybe I’ll start going through my digital camera, reflecting on happier, more entertaining times."
Maybe we do this sort of thing to make it absolutely clear to the person that "It's not me…it's you." They can't later badmouth you about how bad of a date you were and that's why it didn't go anywhere.
Yeah, I can’t really play off being uncomfortable. When I don’t wanna be somewhere, people can TELL. But, I do make sure that I make a balance between showing that I’m not interested but at the same time not being rude about it, which is difficult.
And if they don’t sense this during the date, they should know by the end of the date when they get the dreaded “chuuch hug”. Okay, so I don’t really do this unless it’s an extreme case. I love hugs, so if the date is just okay, he still gets a regular hug.
Honesty is always the best policy. Especially for women because men misconstrue any little nicety as a sign of interest. But you also have to take into consideration people's feelings/ego/mental state. If it's clear that the person might end it all if you don't express interest then be really nice about it, or blame it on something else like not having enough time, or not being ready for a relationship. But under no circumstances should you pretend, that's just asking for trouble down the line.
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I fake it just like a fake Orgasams…I've become a pro…then I blog about their wack-ness the next day!!!
On a serious note, why is it so hard for us to just say to the person…."you know what, you're really (NOT) cute, (in dark clubs)but, I don't think we are compatible…it was nice meeting you though…
the way that i save myself from resisting the gas face during a first date encounter…is to make the date something short and sweet…meet for drinks or for desserts…there are a lot of cool places in atlanta to do just that…
besides…most often during the first 13 minutes of conversation, i can determine if a man has moved from my fuckable category to my dateable category…(because we all know that there are those that you can bump with that you don't want to spend any other kind of time with…)
I always pull my phone out of my bag, front like I got an urgent message, step outside to vent for 30 seconds to one of my friends, come back in and say I suddenly have to leave. Offer to pay for dinner as compensation for being unable to tolerate the boredom and peace the f*ck out! Then he's stuck wondering what he did wrong or if I really had to leave, while I'm out living my life able to smile and say, "hey!" if I ever run in to him on the street. No one has time to waste, if I have to go, I have to go, doesn't matter what the reason is. I HAVE TO GO.
oh and LOL @DCDATINGADVENTURES. I feel guilty when I fake, but it's not working so I HAVE TO GO.
This is very cliche'; however, I am SO myself. Be it the 1st date or 2nd date because in the end if it does go further, you're going to find out who I am 4 real anyway. So if a guy does something on the 1st date that makes me decide at THAT moment there will absolutely not be a second one, I let them know, "this ain't hitting so let's not waste each other's time." That's why I like to drive and meet up on the 1st date. There is no "performance"