Snoopin’

37

snoopy be snoopin

I don’t like being cheated on. I don’t think anybody does. Though if you do like it, then oral sex it prolly really isn’t cheating. As for the rest of us, we try to screen people out prior to dating ’em if we think they’re gonna be the sketchy and shady type. And generally if we get a bad vibe or a feeling that something’s not right with our significant other, we’ll make some type of effort to find out what the deal is. Chances are if you haven’t been cheated on, you know somebody who has and can tell you the signs. If you’ve been lucky enough to miss out on either of those, you’ve prolly read some type of list in a magazine or on some homepage about signs that your S.O. has forgot the meaning of fidelity. So what happens when you do see some of those signs that the person could be dipping/being dipped into by someone else? At what point is it okay to start snoopin’?

This is one of those topics that always ends up with the answer bein’ something about maturity and insecurity. As simple as some would like to make it, it’s not. Worryin’ about whether your S.O. is sliding off is stressful. Being stoic and nonchalant about what the person is doing or being on that “I don’t care what he/she do.” tip is cool, but I know people who were super stoic and ended up going nuts when they did find out they were the victim of cheating. I also know people who have went nuts tryna figure out if the S.O. was cheating and the person really wasn’t doin’ anything shady at all.



So if you think the person is cheating, just ask them or break up with them. It’s that simple Slim.

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No it’s not and you know it. Don’t be Debbie Downer.

Oh. Okay, well carry on then Slim.

Thanks.

So anyway, I’ve been a victim of cheating. I have friends who’ve been victims. I have friends who’ve been serial offenders. I know the pain and all that other good stuff. As a result, I’ve engaged in snoopery before (emphasis on before, but not anymore). Wasn’t tryna get caught out there lookin’ like a sucka (a man’s worst fear).

I’ve looked through phones. I’ve been through AIM convo logs. I’ve caught shorty out there lookin greaze. Did the relationship end? Yep. Did I have to use GPS to find out where she was? Nope. Did I feel better once I caught her out there and embarrassed the sh*t out of her? Definitely! Nope. I’d rather have been wrong, but at least I didn’t become “that guy” who lived in the dark and was forced to eat sloppy seconds day in and day out for months.

Fortunately/unfortunately, on the limited occasions I’ve snooped for info I’ve been right. Since then I’ve refined my search criteria and don’t plan on ever having to deal with that type of BS ever again. I’ve also been snooped on…when I wasn’t doing anything at all. Found all my email accounts and social media sites logged into, messages read, phone numbers written down out of my phone, condoms counted, everything. The person went through all that and found nothin’…and got embarrassed in the process. So what happened? The relationship(s) ended. Same result. No crime.

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It seems like snooping is a lose-lose situation no matter how you look at it, and sometimes you just feel like you gotta do it before you go throwin’ the relationship away. But once you open that door, it’s a free fall ’til you find sumthin’ that proves you right or you have an epiphany in which you realize you’re bein’ extra. Or, you go nuts and get committed to an asylum.

So SBM fam, when is it okay to snoop? Do you think this really just boils down to insecurity and maturity? Anybody ever been on the tv show Cheaters? I hope not. But if so, do tell.

Faithfully and Loyally,

slim jackson

Comment(37)

  1. It is within my right to snoop the minute I catch you in a lie.

    I don't like to end things on a hunch… I want to catch you red handed and make you admit to my face that you're a no-good liar and a cheat.

    AND THEN we can break up and go our separate ways.

    If I don't find something incriminating, it's STILL time to end it; trust has been severed… there's no turning back from there.

  2. I've never snooped. I've been left at his home alone… around his phone alone, and I haven't ever gone through it…. I've had the feeling a man was cheating…. I've asked about it but they lie…. if you snoop through something, you ask about it, they'll lie about it anyways.

    When I start getting that feeling, I leave him alone. I think you should trust your own intuition… if you feel like you are getting cheated on, chances are, you are.

  3. When my spidy-sense starts telling me something isn't right, I start paying a lot more attention to details. That's usually enough right there.

    I did have a friend once who I suspected was on the DL and I had his passwords for his e-bay account (dummy used the same password for EVERYTHING) so I snooped to see if I could find anything. Never did.

  4. From experience, if your intuition is telling you the person is cheating, then there's a trust issue and it does need to be looked into. 9 times out of 10, if you are in tune with your intuition, then you are probably right. No snooping allowed; however, with you men, you will deny it even if the woman walks in on you in the act; so I can tell you that's why a lot of women try to find proof—so you won't deny it.

  5. I"m not a snooper.

    I've found that if a person is doing something they shouldn't be doing (like cheating), then that info will come to light without me having to go looking. I learned very early (my first serious relationship in fact) that my intuition is generally correct, so if I sense that you're cheating on me, you probably are.

  6. I think that it probably does have something to do with maturity level. When I was younger I was a serious snooper. I should have opened up my own private eye agency, my snooping skills were so sharp it was ridiculous. Did that make my life better? NO. Did it bring anything beneficial to my relationships? NO.

    The biggest thing is, what are you going to do if you do find something? Some women snoop, find out $hit they didn't want to know but still stay with the man so what was the point? If you feel you need to snoop then it is probably time to go anyway.

  7. My mother always says if u go looking for trouble u will find it.

    a man has 100 percnt of my trust until he's proven to be a lie. after which if I feel I need to digg through ur life to see what's going on I will leave.

  8. @Tam,

    "The biggest thing is, what are you going to do if you do find something?"

    I don't think people think about that part as much while they're lookin' for the not so good stuff. I know when I found stuff out about shorty my blood pressure and body temperature went through the roof. After I finished shaking with rage, I did not body her went off on her and the phone turned into a bunch of small pieces. Lookin' back, it wasn't the brightest. That's why I just said I'm thoroughly screen chicks up front so that I don't even need to think about this stuff.

  9. There is really no need to snoop, someone is gonna cheat regardless and cheating is never spontaneous, it is usually an end result. So all of that wasted time and energy to find out if someone is cheating, should be redirected into making sure the relationship remains healthly and positive.

  10. I'm not normally a snooper, but there was a situation recently where my intuition just kept telling me that I was being lied to. I tried ignoring it, but it was insistent so I snooped. And I found out what I suspected, and it made me feel worse for a bit. I also felt relieved b/c it gave me the closure I needed to end the situation. I didn't even ask him about it because I knew he'd lie, and I no longer needed confirmation from him. He lied, I found out, and I was done. It didn't take much in-depth snooping on my part. It only required context clues and a willingness to admit the truth to myself.

  11. The one line you wrote: "Since then I’ve refined my search criteria" should be turned into bumper stickers and forced on the back of cars, added as a pop up window in every internet browser, stream-lined as a commercial between American Idol takes, posted on the bathroom mirror every morning, and recited over and over again until it becomes a mental imprint in the forefront of everyone's mind.

    It's interesting, in a curiously depressing way, how simple the solution is, yet how often it's ignored. Most relationship problems (and assorted drama)–from my humble experience–have more to do with internal flaws and shortcomings than external ones. (Broken filtering mechanism, poor search criteria, backwards screening process, etc.)

    A random female wonders aloud why every man she has ever dated has cheated on her. She becomes angry and bitter, claiming all men are dogs. Not one to meddle in other folk's relationships, I can on sigh, and whisper back, "Have you ever wondered what you are doing or not doing to end up dating only lying and unfaithful men?"

    Men often do the same thing.

    It's almost as though self-evaluation is a sin now-a-days. It's much easier to blame everyone else.

  12. @ Slim

    You are right, people don't think it out beforehand which is a big part of the problem.

    I'm interested in learning more about this screening process…have you written a post on it before?

  13. I dont think its ever a good idea to be the "PI" in a relationship. Like Slim said its a lose lose situation. If you continue to snoop until you find something… eventually you will. It may be something from the past that has nothing to do with the relationship now, but you will find something you dont like if your always looking.

  14. **clears throat**

    this topic is sounding MIGHTY familiar… **shameless plug for my blog: slim and i had this convo… for some other perspective, check my blog out… shameless plug ends**

    i think you should go through their shit whenever you want to. but don't go looking for something and be mad when you find it. and if you don't find anything, feel bad… feel very bad…

  15. I dont think u should go through ppl sh*t just because its rude. If you ask to see my phone I'll let u see, but dont be goin all willy nilly

  16. I still don't get people who go through other peoples' phones. I don't care how much it's killing me, that's private. Just like I'm not going to give the password out to any of my emails just because I'm in a committed relationship (so stupid).

    If the person you're with keeps you paranoid and insecure then it's a safe bet that you probably don't want to deal with them. I don't have any stalker tendencies that I know of and if a woman made me develop them, she better be the absolute bomb in everything she does.

    Some of you all are gluttons for punishment. Just ask your SO, JO or what have you what's up. If you can't handle the truth then please live in denial until Dexter shows up with your girl pregnant.

  17. When I was in my first real relationship, after about a year and a half I got the worst feeling that something sneaky was going on. Prior to my intutition I NEVER had the urge or inclination to go through his stuff. But once I started being bothered I would check his phone. Sure enough there was one number kept coming up that had no identity attached to it. I memorized the number, plugged it into reverse look up and discovered it was the ex girlfriends number.

    Of course when I confronted he denied anything was going on. I really don't encourage snooping…but when you feel like something is wrong…you have every right o figure out the real deal. Cause in the meantime they could be putting you and your helath in danger.

  18. Debbie Downer or not, I'm really not the type to snoop. Reason being that I've never cared about someone enough to have to fight with him to stay with me and act right. If he starts acting suspect, I just dip. However, when it comes to my things, I don't care if he looks through things. If I had stuff to hide then it would be pretty silly to make the decision of getting a relationship, a commitment whose mission statement includes "I want to share my life with you…" If he's on some detective ish then we'll have to have a talk about insecurity, but I've found that when you don't give a man reason to worry, he probably won't.

    @Peyso, you can take a look at my phone too.

  19. I am just not a snooper. I haven't been motivated. Maybe if I was married and had some kids and a whole lot invested in somebody I would snoop, but even then I doubt it. People's behaviors tell you a lot about them. You don't have to go through someone's belongings to know they are cheating.

  20. I’ve snooped.

    I’m very big on trust, but this was some blatant, in my face “girl-if-you-don’t-read-that-you’se-a-dummy” type stuff. He was increaisingly nosey & paranoid about my contacts, whereabouts, etc. It was annoying, but I chalked it up to him being stressed out (silly girl, I later found out he was snooping & was all the way wrong). He asked me to answer his phone while he’s in the shower – it’s a text from ScandalousJawn – “I miss you. Can’t wait to see you again”. I called him on it, he says it’s nothing. His gmail is open, (I thought I’d logged into mine) lots of gchat with said ScandalousJawn.

    I don’t believe in coincidences, and that sh*t was just too much for me, so I looked. And that mess was atrocious: it was literally months of stuff, pictures, the works. I called him on it, he lied and the rest is history.

    All that said, I don’t go looking for stuff. I am an extremely private person, something I make clear from the jump and hypocrisy ain’t sexy. There’s a difference between being a nosey muphuka, and need facts to back up a feeling. The latter can be hurtful if your right or wrong, but I won’t fault a person for wanting proof. I do think, however, you need to be man or woman enough to say that you were wrong & have an honest discussion of the feelings that caused the actions.

  21. I don't snoop, I ask. And everytime I have asked I've been told the truth… for some reason dudes can't lie to me… I'm too sweet :-D. One time a few years back my dude got real busy all of a sudden and we didn't really hang for like two weeks. He's the type that needs the jig at least twice a week. So when I was on my way over he was on the phone, I asked if he slept with another chick very calmly and nicely… he was begging like "baby don't be mad at me please, I haven't had time to come all the way over there and kick it. You know I can't go without the muffin." Click, Uturn, took my muffin home!

    I just don't have time to snoop and when you really know someone you can tell when things change, it just doesn't feel right. Go with your instincts and learn to communicate verbally. Works for me.

  22. I used to be a serious snooper but then again my ex gave me more than enough reason to be a snooper. I would never resort to that again in my life. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it was a lose-lose situation. I remember one time my ex left her journal on her dresser and left me alone in her house. I read it and told her I read it. Needless to say, we are no longer together. I went looking for an answer and I found it.

  23. I don't go looking, but if I stumble across your phone because you left it at my place, then by all means I'm going to look through it. And after I find the pics of the snow bunnies giving you oral pleasure, I'm not even gonna yell. I'm just gonna hand you your phone, inform you that there will be no more of THIS and not answer the next 10 to 20 phone calls asking me, "What the hell did I do?"

    Anytime I found something was by accident. I found it and then watched for a week, asked a few questions I knew the answers to then proceeded to dismiss once the lies came. I can work with the truth. The outcome might be the same, but at least you're not a liar.

    The dude with the pics was funny though, because we were only FWB to begin with but my point was, there is no need to lie to me, I'm not your babe! I don't care what it is, don't lie.

  24. Funny topic.

    I just hung up the phone calling a number out of dudes phone. I was very polite when I asked the girl are you sleeping with my man. It was really disgusting when she asked me who was my man. And I replied you don't know who you were calling at 1:00am in the morning and she laughed and said honestly no. I told her have a blessed day. So the funny twist is that I just checked my email only to discover that my emails have been checked and my co-worker just walked in around 10:00am and asked me why did I call her phone last night around 11:00 pm, when I informed her that I was dead sleep around that time last night.

    So in my relationship snooping goes both ways. Which is definitely not a good look. It's obvious that I don't have the best relationship. Yet I agree with Akua…."if u go looking for trouble u will find it." I know from experience. My intuiton is always right, then after I snoop, I confirm, and then what play tag with this guy.

    Break up and then make up!!!!

    It's time for me to make my change. LOL

    For the record snooping is childish and pointless. Every one person is going to live their lives how every they choose. Whether the think they're going to be caught or not.

  25. @Danielle

    You're story sounds like a combination of things that happened in my past.lol. Do you know my ex's? Cuz if you do, tell em I said to find the closest railroad track and go to sleep.

    Just kidding.

  26. As soon as I get the feeling you doing something I'm usually correct. I've snooped once an it only confirmed the inkling I already had. After that incident, if my intuition started kicking in, I started just asking. I am very perceptive and observant an if I didn't believe you, I'd just stop talking to you. That was still immature to just leave a relationship/friendship without any excuse and stop answering phone calls and any types of communication. However, there has yet to be an occasion where I got a gut feeling that the guy was doing something foul or shady and it hasn't turned out to be true.

    Now that I am more mature and confident, if my spidey senses start going up, I ask about a situation and if I am not satisfied with the answer and the behavior following that answer I discontinue the relationship/friendship asap but I let the person know why and nothing they can do or say will turn me around once my mind is made up. I can accept an apology but I will not be made a fool of if I feel some game trying to be ran on me. An once my trust is violated there is pretty much a 0% chance of regaining it. I have zero tolerance for liars and drama.

  27. If you have to snoop…

    then you don't need to be with that person.

    Period.

    And folks, stop giving up your email passwords and cell phone codes and shit. That's not your SO business unless they are kicking in on the internet and/or phone bill.

  28. I used to loooooove to snoop when I was a kid. When my dad or grandpa weren't around (at their respective homes of course), I would look through EVERYTHING!! I learned the craft of putting things back exactly how they were when I found them. LOL!!

    These days, it's definitely lost its luster. I have no interest in snooping around. Perhaps if I were more invested in a situation I would, but now that I think about it, I still may not. I'd rather something just make itself apparent so I'm not reduced to such activity. 🙁

  29. Snoopin is never okay. If you look hard enough for something you will find it. Also, if you have to question fidelity, you should probably question your relationsip. A good relationship without trust doesn’t exist.

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