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Slim’s Search Criteria

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So last week I wrote a post on Snoopin’ and when it’s okay (if ever) to dig for information on your significant other. I mentioned that I don’t plan on snoopin’ cuz I’ve gotten to a point where I’ve refined my search criteria so specifically that I honestly don’t think I’d date someone who’d even cause those thoughts to cross my mind. One of the readers, Tam, asked me specifically about how I’ve refined my search criteria to circumvent a lot of the BS. So as promised, I’ma  shed some light on the things I look at when I’m determining if a woman is a viable candidate for a long term relationship. Let’s get into it…

Family

One of the first things I take into consideration when I’m determining if a woman is a viable candidate for a relationship is her family situation. The chick that comes from an extra happy home in a suburb is gonna be a lot different than the chick coming from the single parent home or the chick who’s family doesn’t exist in perpetual peachiness. Meeting shorty’s mom  not only tells me what she’s probably gonna look like in 20 years, but it sheds some light on what type of mess I may have to deal with down the road.



If moms is wild strict or very high maintenance, then she’s prolly gonna be the monster-in-law from hell that I don’t need or she’ll always meddling in our relationship. Shorty needs to be able to operate independently of her parent(s). If I get the feeling she can’t, it’s a wrap. If she comes from a home that isn’t so happy for a multitude of reasons, that could open the door to all other sorts of sub-criteria. However messed up this may sound, I usually give a woman extra points if she comes from a broken or disruptive home because it means she’s been through some sh*t. I’ve been through a lot over the last few years and I need a woman who can empathize on some level and not look confused whenever I have a real life problem. If I can’t go to her about the stuff that matters, the relationship will fail.

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Friends

You really are the company that you keep. I grit my teeth when I find out a chick’s friends are all single. God forbid I meet them and they come across as bitter and self-absorbed members of the League of Unextraordinary Women. God forbid even more if  she’s in a sorority and all she ever talks about is her line sisters and every outfit she wears has to be the colors of her organization. Major points lost.

I’ve dated a chick in a sorority…and I often felt like I was dating the whole organization. And yes, this was years after college. Gossip Girls really is a way of life for some people. I don’t need my business in the streets and her friends in her ear spewing negativity that will in turn affect  us. Nothing is worse than shorty going out with her friends then coming home angry at me, cuz then that makes me angry, and nobody likes an angry Slim. If her friends are cool and down to earth people that will even laugh at some of my jokes, major points gained. This is a deal breaker.

Past Relationships

I try not to ask too many questions about a woman’s past because it can really f*ck things up in my mind. Less really is more sometimes. I generally try to get an idea of the type of guys she’s slept with dated and how those relationships ended. If she’s never been in a real relationship, there’s gonna be some serious growing pains that at this point I’m not willing to deal with. If all her ex’s and flings still live locally and they’re cordial with each other, I don’t wanna deal with that either. I don’t care how confident you are. It’s really awkward to be hanging out with your significant other and someone she used to date or mess with. I really don’t like being around a guy who knows what my girl’s poompoom is like. Too much ego. I’ve been that other guy and I know how much I was smiling and laughing inside when I was out with her and her boo. I’ve learned to be aware of myself when it comes to stuff like this. Don’t even wanna deal with it.

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I also wanna know if she’s been cheated on once or a thousand times because that’s going to open the door to all types of trust and security issues. If she has been cheated on, I’m curious to how she found out. Don’t want to date a habitual snooper.

Sports/Health

I’m not sure if I could date someone who hadn’t played a sport in high school or college. At the very minimum, she needs to place an emphasis on fitness. I’ve dated the pretty girl who didn’t think she needed to work out cuz she looked good. There’s no room for complacency in a relationship. I’m a competitive dude and I need a woman that’s not just competitive when it comes time to get dressed for Church.

Passions

She needs to be passionate about more than shoes, clothes, and her girls. This goes back to yesterday’s post. I wanna be able to share in her passions and she needs to be able to understand and share in mine. This is a major deal breaker.

Overambition

Don’t get me wrong. Ambition is cool. Overambitious folks are not. I’m talking about the type of people that will do just about anything to get what they want. Dangerous. This one isn’t necessarily obvious right away. But at the first sign the person seems manipulative, I’m outta there. That’s a gang of trust issues waiting to happen. Sh*t. I can do a whole separate post on trust issues alone.

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Word Count

Yeah, it’s that time folks. Word count is gettin’ reckless. If you wanna know more, leave a message and I’ll elaborate in the comments. As for today’s discussion, what are some of the criteria you’ve used to refine your search and why? Also, feel free to debate any of the criteria I listed. I know some of the married/divorced folks may have some tidbits to add.

slim jackson

Comment(36)

  1. Great Post Slim… and I agree with your list.

    In addition, I look at:

    1. Spelling: I cannot stand when people use slang in an email or text. I am not trying to go nuts, trying to figure out a text or an email.

    2. Activity level: Lazy people make me apesh!t.

    3. Education level: This is not really an end all be all thing BUT as I stated in my post yesterday, I have an infatuation with those that are college educated.

    4. Number of children: 'nough said.

    5. Children to "baby mama" ratio: if he has three kids by three different baby mamas (I've dated this guy once), he may not be one for commitment (or CONDOMS).

  2. @Slim, this is a good list…you left off body type and stuff about sex, which is great if you can look beyond that to find "LTL" – long-term love….I'm proud of ya…

    I couldn't do it.

    LOL @ Nicki – I concur on your list… and I have to add to it, in addition to Slim's…

    6. Body Type – If I am in shape 7 rockin' he's gotta be in shape & rockin'. I don't need to be in a relationship where dude is eating twinkies and pizza 5 times a week. I'm not trying to gain weight…

    7. Chemistry – This goes for in & outside the bedroom. Yes, bedroom chem is extemely important, I don't wanna get bored, or have second thoughts about no one else but my man…that being said, just cause he can put it down doesn't mean I'm gonna stay…that chemistry has to spill over outside of the bedroom

  3. For every rule, there's always an exception, which is why I don't put much stock in them. I'm sure these are guidelines, not hard and fast rules, but it would just be unfortunate to miss out on that person who may come from a single parent/divorced home (like my kids) who is otherwise a good person who just wants what she didn't have growing up…. I think that's the main criteria on the list that makes me shift uncomfortably a little. My parents are still married and I (apparently) struggle with what a good relationship is supposed to look like.

    And how can you ding someone for their ex's living locally?? Are we supposed to import dudes and/or move when things don't work out? I also struggle with this one because I live in a city where there's 3 degrees of separation between everyone, unless I just started dating out the hood spots, and that's not going to happen. I'd even have to switch that up after awhile. So throw that one out, too.

  4. @DC and @Nicki:

    I purposely left out body types and education because those go without saying and to a certain degree don't tell you too much about the person. Chemistry is a good one, but I feel like all the other variables will affect that.

    @Steph:

    Your question is one of security. I have multiple close/semi-close female friends and it was a problem in my last relationship. If she has a lot of male friends from jump, I'm going to have some questions. If she accumulates these male friends over time, I'm going to have even more questions. I'd screen a chick out if I had a feeling she'd been messing with some of those male friends. Once again, I personally don't like being "that guy".

    @Anesidora

    I see why you'd throw out a couple of the criteria from my list. They're debatable. However, I know myself and what type of stuff will bother me down the road…whether it comes across as insecurity or not. I'm willing to change, but within reason. Any headaches I can eliminate from the beginning, I will.

  5. @Slim – You have a great list!

    A major deal breaker for me is inability to keep a good conversation. If a man cannot keep a decent conversation without sounding foolish, I can’t take him seriously. As I’ve stated in my previous comments, I’m going to be a lawyer and I need to be with someone who is not going to embarrass me at an event with people in my profession or around my friends.

    Also, I know I live in NY, but I’m from Rhode Island, so I am totally turned off by a man who cannot drive and does not have a driver’s license. For me, it signals a lack of independence, and I refuse to babysit anyone.

    Lastly, I cannot stand a man who is not assertive and lacks confidence. I have a strong personality, so a weakling cannot survive around me. Also, when I mention confidence, I’m not talking about arrogance because that is also the type of man who lacks confidence. Humility is so sexy. A humble man can exude confidence because he knows what he has, so there is no need to boast b/c everyone else sees it.

  6. Awesome list! Nice to see that there are some guys that put some thought into finding that right person. Family is a big deal for me. I do come from a single parent home but my dad was around and I have 7 uncles and 4 aunts plus all their kids as cousins. No "daddy" complex here but I know what it's like to struggle sometimes. Highly favored now. I look at how a guy treats his mom but it's insight on how he'll treat the ladies in his life. Everything you and others have said is on point. The mistakes and experiences we've had with past relationships gives us a right to be picky and really dig deep down for what we want out of a life long companion.

  7. Sounds like you know what you want. Everyone should have an idea of what they want in a mate…but as Anesidora said, sometimes there are exceptions. Don't get me wrong–I'm all for lists.

  8. I agree with your list wholeheartedly, but tell me this…
    Why is it that when you can articulate what you want in this fashion, a lot of sistas tend to either say you know what you want or "you're too picky" with no gray area? BTW…did I tell you all I hate crappy poetry? Instant dealbreaker.

  9. @Slim : I'm all about identifying and mitigating insecurities from the jump, cuz they are NOT fun to deal with for EITHER person. Guess you gotta know and work with your own limitations, and I ain't mad at that.

  10. this is a good post Slim, but all of this takes time to reveal themselves, here is a short survey you can give the ladies upon intial meeting:

    1. Do you know the price of Baby Formula?
    if she answers "yes" then she has kids

    2. Are you a Princess or a Queen?
    A queen has her own ish, while a princess is looking for someone to take care of her

    3.a Can you cook?
    if she cant cook, there aint nothing you can do wit her.

    3.b What would you do if you seen your best friend in a porno?
    If she answers anything other than "I dont watch pornos" she is a freak and a keeper.

  11. @ Slim: Dang dude! Good post but ummm…. yea I agree with most of it but from the guys I've dated, mamas boys or not, a comparison can be made. And check it, these aren't guys I'm just dating. These are relationships with love (not ride or die… except for the current) and it's seen over time the relationship they have with their moms and compassion/care or lack there of with me. I agree that it's not the same level and never could be, that's not what I'm expecting. But for me it gives insight to their character.

  12. @ Slim. do u think a woman's social status is important? like what if she's not in a sorority or anything, but doesn't really dig the whole social/ hanging out with girls kinda thing? if she has friends who she hangs with once in a while but mostly likes to do stuff alone if not with her man, is that a bad thing?

  13. @theresa

    Good question. That is important. I don't roll with many people and there's a lot of times where I prefer to be alone or chillin with 1-2 friends. I'm in a frat, but I'm by far the most lost key dude in the organization. A chick like that is prolly an introvert, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that seeing that I'm one…unless she grew up in the woods and was home schooled and climbs trees to kill animals with her bare hands. That's a completely different beast.

  14. @ Slim – Thank you for the shout out!

    I can agree with the post as a whole but I feel a little slighted by the "Friends" section. Before I was in a serious relationship almost all of my friends were single (and most were probably bitter about it) and that had no bearing on my behavior and the fact that I still made for a good catch.

  15. @DC: why thank you lady. 🙂

    "I purposely left out body types and education because those go without saying"

    Slim: NOTHING goes without saying. LOL.. U could have a weird fetish or something!!!!

  16. This a good list, folk that haven't really been thru anything are limited in alot of ways….iron sharpens iron, and overall I agree with everything else listed, sometimes folk age diff from their folks tho, and could probably add a few of my own..

  17. Chemistry, when its present, is there way before you even get to the bedroom and is an EARLY indicator of thangs to come sexually like passion etc off the rip!!!!!

  18. @Kwana…true, but then you get to the bedroom, the chemistry isn't always there. I dated a guy, we got along great, had so much in common, could talk hours on the phone… and that was it, everything else sucked a$$

  19. I LOVE this post…I am making it my g chat status so all my friends can share in this wisdom…much love to you !

  20. Slim, I like your list. I think your criteria are reasonable. In terms of family you need to know specifically the relationship the woman has with her father. The quality of the relationship, the frequency with which they were in contact, whether she even knows him are factors that ultimately leads her to you in whatever emotional state she's in. A good father foundation goes a long way in a woman, whether her parents were married, divorced, etc. A woman's relationship with her father or her feelings about her father/father figure are very predictive.

  21. Slim, you hit the nail on the head. However, even if she gets through the screening process (as noted above), there will be no guarantee that she will (want to) be consistent. Most men enjoy watching the game, eating, and some congress.

    Being able to watch the game in peace is something that will be a struggle for most ladies, as most will feel neglected. Having a lady who will take the time to cook a nice meal, without haggle, is lost upon a substantial majority of ladies. It's almost like they fail to realize the connection between a man's soul and his stomach. I'm almost willing to submit that the stomach-soul connection is more powerful than the congress…

    To the ladies, the accomplished men will not make exception for you based upon your MD, JD/MBA, BS, etc…. this alone, does not and will never create your value to him. So when the phrase "Know your worth" is uttered, please think of this not in terms of your degrees or financial status, however, what you will consistently bring to a man's table (and YES!!! his table), e.g. that which is principally important to him. He has to have reason to propose…. so make your case! So instead of knowing what you will not do for love, consider knowing what you will actually do for love and how consistent and devoted you will be. There are plenty real men who are looking to be married (too risky to not be)! Besides, most men will bend over backwords for a lady who can touch their soul! Without provocation, why would a man bend over backwards or propose? If he's bending over backwards without warrant, he has a different agenda…

    As an aside, the numbers (i.e. ratios) are staggering. So who really can afford to be the pickiest at the end of the day?… the suitor or suited (i.e. the man or woman)?

    If happiness is the goal and being married one time is the goal, being scrupulous is the only way. But keep in mind who's really holding all the cards… until you have the papers, you have nothing. What are you willing to consistently do to get the papers (and will you or can you change once you get them)? Again, most men will bend over backwards for a woman who can touch his soul. She becomes the wife!

  22. "However, even if she gets through the screening process (as noted above), there will be no guarantee that she will (want to) be consistent."

    Agreed. Clearly not even the presidential vetting process for his cabinet is bullet proof. Hopefully all the other criteria will tell me sumthin' about her level of consistency.

  23. Time. Thats what I need. Face it you get use to looks, as good as the sex will be it wont last on that level forever. Time will tell if yall can get along when the highlights of a relationship are far and few…great sex chem is not keepin two people together once the "routine" of the relationship sets in. Yall bone and realize "this is all we do as a couple" like two teens on the couch before mom or big sis comes home…also you can work on sex..but you are not gonna fix his baby moma issues-her opinion on you old block-the baggage in general. And I do think good sex always and will continue to be a tool men use to bull$hit women…as long as I rock the boat how critical will you be of me?

  24. Oxytocin is the chemical/hormone that a woman produces in her brain that creates her emotional bind to the male who is really 'rockn the boat'… the more she orgasms, the more attached she will become. A lady that says she doesn't become attached is only lying to herself. Men don't produce this chemical, thus why we can rock many boats at the same time without any emotional issues, outside of what she creates. This chemical is also what's responsible for a mother's attachment to her child. It will always be inherently there.

    Needless to say, her emotional bind is what really clouds her judgement and allows a man to do whatever he wants. Honestly, a man who is really an artist in maintaining women will know that he's off the hook once she orgasms once really well…. Most ladies' judgement, from my experience, becomes nullified. Honestly this is another reason the man is holding the cards…. a man who ain't trying to keep her around will never give her the satisfaction of having that "O". However, a malicious man will ration the "O's" out over time, e.g. amounting to his personal maintenance.

    A guy who's really really really terrible (LOL) will not only ration out the "O's" but wait until there's extreme emotional trauma (i.e. crying, yelling, etc.). Once she gets an "O" while she's under emotional duress, she has no chance of getting away. Creating emotional separation after that becomes nearly impossible… almost like payn off a credit card drawin 22% on a principal balance of 20K+ on a <40K salary…

    Predatory much? I think not. She ultimately chooses to bring the mess on herself, eg she chose the man for various uneducated reasons generally. Since she has the power of choice, she deserves everybit of bite she gets resulting from her ill-fitted emotional attachment issues. In regards to that statement about "uneducated", women, from my experiences, seem to use less reason, logic and accountability in most basis for their choice. If she does use some reason, it generally involves finances. These dispositions leave them sooooooo vulnerable to an artist… The only chance a lady will ever have is when an artist makes up his mind that he wants to settle and he won't settle for any lady with wayward tendencies.

    Besides, who wants a wayward wife? It's better to live on the corner of the roof of the house than be in a house with a quarrelsome woman… They must thank we don't know the legal system favor them.

    Hahahahahaha

  25. Good list, although the Past Relationships & Friends parts are ones to be careful about. A woman who's never been in a real relationship may just not have had the chance to show what a nurturing and fantastic partner she could be, and some people have strikingly different groups of friends.

    When it comes to the Family one, I envy anyone who marries me if such a thing is to happen or my siblings. My parents – especially my mom – are the awesomeness. Yeah, I resented the strictness with which I was raised, but they will not give anyone any problems as long as they treat us right. More often than not, Nigerian mothers-in-law can be a cause for concern, so not having to deal with a whole bunch of unnecessary mess is a blessing.

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