So … I was reading cosmopolitan magazine, as I was asked for my opinion on all the random tips, tricks, and guides to keep, get, and stimulate a man. It was … interesting.
Now … this site was started as a chance for one Single Black Male to help put a voice out there for us when it came to relationships and whatnot. A lot of the information about “us” out there seems to be crafted by women … and often makes us into mere sex crazed, heartless dirty dogs … and I know I’m not heartless and shower on the regular (no comment on the first point). While sometimes correct and insightful, way too many females just don’t know what their talking about and are leading others into falsehoods, fallacies, and just downright criminally insane statements … all under the premise as “knowing men”. Sad at times …
At some point I realized as just one man … I may be giving a similarly unrepresentative opinion of all men (of course that’s what the comments section is for) … but I tried to open it up more, brought on new writers (Slim Jackson and Mr. Faqs … I see ya’ll) and started featuring other bloggers, emails from readers, and all that. Basically … helping to further SingleBlackMale.net as your one stop stop for “Relationship, Dating, Sex … and all that other good sh*t” … straight from the mouths of Single Black Men.
Damn … I should put that in the about section …
I digress …
As I perused the pages of cosmo reading about how my testicles can take a lot of abuse (I kid you not … this was a “sex secret”) I began to think … where do they get this from and do these women who “know men” … really … know men?
As soon as I thought of this the answer followed within seconds … hell naw they don’t know sadly these women will be forever mistaken. But … being the unbiased open minded individual I am … I continued to flip through and think … these women actually aren’t that far off. Out of there little list of “sex secrets” … only about 2 were wrong (I’m sorry … maybe its just me … but my testicles need to be coddled more than an infant … don’t “get ruff” with them before you find yourself accidentally kneed in the head politely asked to stop).
So … now I’m conflicted. Can this women’s magazine really lead women to better relationship with men? Is there really good advice being dished out by non-jaded women on how to keep, hold, and get a man?
Finding good relationship advice is something damn near everyone is looking for. Whether you get it from a blog, an advice column, a magazine, the barbershop, or just your close friends … everyone has questions. All this boils down to one question which I have been lamenting over for years …
Where does the best advice come from … the opposite sex or the same?
Lets dig into it …
Same Sex Advice (Same as you … opposite of your mate)
Most men have dealt with several women in a romantic capactity, and likewise for most women. So there is a good chance they know more about the opposite sex than they know about themselves. As a man … I don’t know what turns on any other man in bed besides me … and I’m just one. “Blockhead” Brenda from around the block will probably have better advice on how to give your man a great valentines over me.
Opposite Sex Advice
The real reason any man has a female friend that he doesn’t want to sleep with (usually at most women out of any guy’s “friend” list qualify) is so we can get advice when Sheniqua threw a bowl at our head yelled at us … when all we did was “answer her question“. Women understand women … and men understand men … right?
So … I want to know … where should we look to for advice? As a woman … do you go to cosmo and your girlfriends … or come on over to SBM.net (well … that’s an easy one)? As a man … are we polling up the fellas as we put a dollar between some cheeks at the “shaka joint” drink a beer while watching the game … or do we call those two female friends to answer life’s questions?
And I don’t want to hear any of those “Its a combination of both” answers … pick a side … man up!
Interesting post and an equally engaging question. This was one of the things that smacked us in the face once we hopped online a few months ago: too many of the people giving out "love, sex, and relationship" advice actually have no clue what they are talking about. They dole out hypothetical solutions to real problems that don't work in practical ways.
To be honest, I would say folks shouldn't listen to anyone, male or female, until you have proof they know what they are talking about. Just being born into a sex doesn't make you an expert of your gender. And because everyone is unique, with different personal experiences, it makes "generalizing" even more trickier.
In situations as tricky as relationships, sometimes "variety" and "quantity" becomes an immensely valuable learning tool. This is why a call girl or prostitute giving out advice on "the top ten ways to give a 4 minute blow job" is likely to be far more informative than the advice of saint mary–her one or two partners isn't enough of a sample size.
In my humble opinion, both genders are out here handing out bad advice. Thier advice often "sounds" good, in the same way it "sounds" good when you hear some poor person loudly claim they don't want to be "rich." But that's B.S.
Both genders end up causing more harm than good because a lot of people listen to them, thinking they know what they are talking about. Personally, I think many of the folks I call "Fake Love Gurus" should be required to detail where their so-called "experience" on the subject comes from. Like the magazine article you spoke of, the byline should let folks know their claim to fame. Did it come from hearsay or actual experience? Is it based on her one husband, or did she used to work in Vegas, outside the strip? Just as the "Phd" title allows readers to know that the person writing the book or article has at least studied in his field, it should be required by advice-seekers that these fake love gurus show and prove where thier "authority" on the subject matter comes from. Just being male or female isn't enough qualification.
Of course there are some things that are basic, common sense in sex and relationships. Sometimes these things can be solved by anyone–male or female. But there are deeper situations, more probing questions, that should be answered only by folks who know what they are talking about–and in those cases, gender isn't as important as experience and first hand knowledge.
TBC: "To be honest, I would say folks shouldn’t listen to anyone, male or female, until you have proof they know what they are talking about. Just being born into a sex doesn’t make you an expert of your gender. And because everyone is unique, with different personal experiences, it makes “generalizing” even more trickier. "
Co-sign!! I completely agree. I next to never go looking for relationship advice from friends. But for things like 10 ways to knock his socks off in bed…why not just ask him?!?
TBC: "This is why a call girl or prostitute giving out advice on “the top ten ways to give a 4 minute blow job” is likely to be far more informative than the advice of saint mary–her one or two partners isn’t enough of a sample size."
LOL!! So funny. Someone start a new blog called "From the Street, Dating secrets and tips from the ones who know your man the best"
On who I'll ask, it really depends what I'm thinking about.
If it's about a man, I ask,
1. Men: Shouts out to Humble and CPT. I ask them for their take on things because they are men. They haven't steered me wrong yet.
2. my main chica: she tells me when I'm wrong; wise and completely impartial.
3. My blog family: Where else can you go and post a single question and get more than ten different opinions, causing you to look at the situation from all angles? This is a big benefit of having you guys.
If it's career or education advice, I will talk about it, but the only opinion I'm really listening to is my own.
I must admit that I usually ask men for advice. I find their advice very logical. The person I consider my best friend is male. While I was in school I found many girls to be 'cliquish' and being a bit of a loner I just didn't like the exclusionary attitudes. That's DCPS for you. In the end I don't ask for advice that often because only I can really know what's best for me.
In hindsight … it is a whole slew of people which feed SBM with advice and info when I need it. I think my BS filter is pretty good though …
When it comes to dealing with women though … I am thoroughly convinced Men know things better. A woman will tell you what a woman would really want to be done … a guy will tell just what you need to do … nothing more.
As always it about who your sources are? if you have a male friend and he is constantly showing female "tendancies" i.e. emotion over logic; then you can take his advice with a grain of salt, on the other hand if you have a female friend who is level headed and not looking to put down other females i.e. that is "those" types of girls, then i would listen to what she has to say. Me, i have a brain trust (about 6 or 7 people both male and female) of people i go to, and see what the consensus is…
Let's see here…in the past I think I might have called on good ole SBM even to get advice…like really called.
Also I'd like to thank Ms. Nicki Sunshine. She a hard @zz but she can move my mushy butt (cause I'm always giving chances which I think makes men think I'm kinda easy like that.
I'm all for the blog fam too. And I definitely gotta say…it's usually cool cause you see the men and the women (always opposite ends)
Best friend-she's literally the best!
And Jesus…yes I go to the Lord. Cause well…he knows everything.
When I seek advice about men, I go to the opposite sex. That's one reason I read you all's blog 🙂 My best friends are guys and they tend to give it to me straight without all the feelings and emotions…lol. When I ask then for their opinion, I want to know how they would receive my view or action, or what exactly does a certain reaction or lack of reaction really mean. I don't have time for the, "Girrrrrrrllllllllll if that was me I'd blah blah blah blah blah blah.", lol. Plus I get to see first hand how they treat women as well. They're not always right, but they are always sincere and real with the information they give me.
Who do I go to for advice? Sh*t. I don't need advice from anybody. I know everything.
I go to female friends for advice about women folk. They can usually translate and interpret what comes across to be as a bunch of symbols and numbers. I will talk to the fellas about stuff too. They tell me when I'm effin up or illogical…which isn't very often.lol.
I'd much rather take advice from a man when I need an opinion about what to do with my man. But the hard part for me about that is trying to find a guy friend who doesn't have feelings or an attraction to me. I had a good friend whom I used to date who was then engaged, and he would always give me questionable advice because he'd much rather us breakup. So I look to my long time friends who are either married or in a serious love relationship.
And it also depends on why I need advice. If it's something personal that me and my man are going through then I'm not asking anyone, me and him need to talk it out for real.
"Also I’d like to thank Ms. Nicki Sunshine. She a hard @zz but she can move my mushy butt (cause I’m always giving chances which I think makes men think I’m kinda easy like that."
Thank you baby girl. 😉
I have close girlfriends and close male friends and depending on the advice needed, that is how I choose who to go to. If its a "he is pissing me off" and "this is the fight we had. What should I make of it", I go to my male friends for their male logic. If its a "Oooo I need to do something that will make him have flashbacks at work", I go to my female friends.
And the blog fam gets no info about my love life b/c my blog is humor-focused not relationship.
Interesting post! I don't seek out advice too much. I might relay a story to somebody, but I am generally not asking for advice. I haven't met the person that has the life (relationship/career/happiness balance) that I envision for myself. When I meet that person, that's who I will ask for advice.
For me, it's a combination of things–books/magazines/male friends/female friends and my own personal experiences.
I usually seek the advice of my male friends, and older women I know. Although I do talk to my female friends, I usually follow the advice of the older women. The blog fam has help me out a few times.
@ Nicki – thanks babe.
I've got a network like Verizon on advice. Usually it's accurate but a lot of it is my own exprience.
LOL @ the Block Head definition.
But for advice I go to my exes, I'm pretty good friends with a few of them, but there is one(albehe a little young) that gives pretty good advice.
I don't do magazines and other single chics on how to get and keep a man, I mean what do they possibly know that I don't if they're single. But I mainly don't do magazines because their mostly fluff.
I do read books written by men, and articles, and blogs…in other words I listen to men. If you want to know how a man feels or what he means or doesn't mean…ask another man.
Thankfully I have several men who know me and how I operate and they don't mind crushing my poor little heart with the truth, and for them I'm grateful.
Oh and lastly I put it in black and white, usually the answer is right in front of you…and when you write it down it becomes clearer.
Most times I go to one of my closest female friends. She usually gives me sound advice and is unbiased. She also doesn't sugar coat things or beat around the bush. One of the reasons why I love her.
Before the end of my last relationship, I would have said that I go to my main male friend to ask me about man shit.
However, in the last few months, I've come to realize that when it comes to what's going on in my life and my *budding* relationships or just my life in general, listening to my own instincts has become a pretty solid tactic.
Face it, no one knows me better than me and sometimes, you don't need all this outside energy all in your shit anyway.
So … taking into account what everyone said … and my own infallible wisdom … I've reached a conclusion.
Opposite sex of the target when trying to seduce them and win them over … same sex as the SO when trying to figure out how to keep them.
@Reign: That's a good point … nothing like a salty ex throwing bad advice your way.