How Soon is Too Soon?

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Better Be Prompt!

Timing is everything. It can be the key to a good joke. It can be the key to a greezy guy catchin’ a chick at a vulnerable moment and adding a notch to his belt. It can be the key to a woman catchin’ a chick slippin’ and then stealin’ her man. Timing plays a role in a lot of things. With that said, I was having a debate recently with a couple of friends regarding pre and post relationship dynamics. We weren’t talkin’ about how to destroy anything that’s a reminder of the Ex or aggressive courting tactics. We were debating something that I’ve personally debated 20+ times and can never seem to come to an agreement if the conversation is happening with more than 1 woman. One simple question applies before gettin’ into the relationship and some length of time afterwards…

How soon is too soon?



Pre-Relationship

When we meet someone and we”re considering the possibility of a relationship, there’s a variety of formulas and theories that men and women use to judge the implications of having sex after the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date. Most of the men I know would gladly accept the opportunity to go deep if they received verbal or non-verbal cues that indicated that “tonight can be the night”. I know quite a few women who are equally as comfortable with getting down to get down after hangin’ out with a guy 1 or 2 times. Then again, if women know within 5 minutes or less that they’re gonna be open to havin’ sex with a guy, why not just get down to business since it’s gonna happen anyway as long as he doesn’t drop the ball?

Personally, if I’m in the initial courting phase with a woman and she let’s me thronx her down after like 2 or 3 chill sessions, she’s decreased the likelihood that we’ll be anything more than sex and good times. I’d be laying there satisfied with my performance afterward wondering if she usually gets a dose of Vitamin D from a new pharmacy that soon. I also subscribe to the belief that if you start with sex you end up having to work in reverse just to get to the relationship phase. If I already know what the walls are like after a couple weeks, it’s gonna be a little awkward tryin’ to get to know her as a person when I already know what she looks like under those clothes and between the sheets. Do I think an early romp makes her a hoe? No. Besides, that’s a post we already did. Do I have a specific amount of time in mind that lessens the likelihood of me moving her to the PGF status? Sorta. It’s really a case by case basis.

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Post Relationship

So let’s say I ended up dating the person and we eventually met our relationship demise for some reason other than cheating. Some people say that as soon as the relationship ends, it’s fair game for newly Ex’s to go eff whoever they want. This debate never ceases to entertain me when I’m having it with multiple women. Here are a couple of common responses that I get when I say that there needs to be some sort of grace/respect period assumin’ things didn’t end way before the official separation:

  • What am I supposed to do? Sit there and not do anything just to appease his ego for a month?
  • If I wanna f*ck, then I’ma f*ck.

Where’s the respect? And yes, I do think this should go both ways. I know that a lot of men will quickly be out there in the clubs on the prowl after a break up. It’s common, but I don’t necessarily think that it’s right. I’ve broken up with a chick before and then within 2 weeks word got back to me that she was gettin’ the pumpington by some hood dude with seeds. I was angry. I felt disrespected. Yeah, we broke up. But damn. You couldn’t keep ya legs closed for 2 weeks? Was the time that I invested in your needy ass really that insignificant? Then I called one of her former friends and gave her the business in my Altima. Just kidding.

What do I think is an acceptable time frame after a break up to get some new thunder pumps? I really can’t say a direct number. Again, it’s a case by case basis. If a person is anxiously waitin’ for a specific amount of time to go by before they can get D’ed up or D someone up, then…well…your relationship really must’ve been a mistake.

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So how do you handle the pre-relationship and post-relationship sex question? Do you have a formula that determines your actions and do you have an expectation for those that you’re having or were having relations with? Let’s battle this out.

The Great Debater,

slim jackson

Comment(29)

  1. "Do you have a formula that determines your actions and do you have an expectation for those that you’re having or were having relations with? Let’s battle this out."

    I don't have a formula for either of the two. I always make my decisions on a case by case basis. Sometimes, if I feel an immediate attraction and I don't see the point in waiting more than a few weeks. Other times, maybe due to schedules, it takes a little longer for me to feel comfortable being intimate with them. In any case, as long as I don't feel pressured, I am attracted and I want it to happen, it will happen.

    I know women spend a lot of time stressing over when to do it, but I'm sure men spend a lot of time wondering when a woman will give it up. Just go with the flow.

    And I agree, if you break up with someone one day and are fcuking 2 hours later, or if you have a set time period for giving up the goods, you have a problem either way. Your relationship was doomed to begin with. Either you're a hoe or you're a calculating prude, and that doesn't sound like a good time to me.

  2. I don't think either of us owe eachother ANYTHING after a break up… I expect a man to go out and knock of a broad the day of (lol!). I think that's how some men get rid of the feeling… nothing helps you to get over old stussy like new stussy, right? (This can also be applied for a woman.)

  3. This is a tough one.. Waaay back in the day when I met my son's father I had already had a crush on him for over a year when he finally noticed me. We saw each other everyday as co-workers so I knew him at least on that level pretty well. By the time he finally got around to figuring out I liked him I was READY! We ended up doing it on the first night we got together and he never let me forget it. Jackass.

    Now… I don't go jumping into bed with anyone. There's too many fools out here with STD's – If you like me enough to have sex with me, go get tested first and bring me a copy of your paperwork. It's just not fun anymore when you have to worry about AIDS and HIV. Condoms are never a sure thing (breakage, slippage, dudes who take them off). Sigh.

  4. @ RunningMom: "It’s just not fun anymore when you have to worry about AIDS and HIV. Condoms are never a sure thing (breakage, slippage, dudes who take them off). Sigh."

    My sentiments exactly. "Dude who takes them off"… that's how my son got here, this was before Plan B, and beware of antibiotics and BCP.

    I digress from answering/commenting on the question(s) at hand… I have a rule about not sleeping with guys that I have a crush on; no matter if I know he's interested in me too. It's just respect for myself and since I like him so much I want it to be something real, grow into something. Now if I'm not feeling you but you look damn good then it's on, hit it and quit it.

    So I don't think I have a time frame, just when I know that we're in a good place with our budding relationship. Never been under a month though, and in that time it's like 5-10 dates/hang outs. You definitely won't have time for other chicks.

    I agree that it’s too soon on the first, second, third date for the same reasons, depending on the guy. He could lose madd respect for you and a future relationship.

    And I agree on the concept of having some kind of respect to one another afterward, no matter how it ended (besides cheating). From my experience we've actually discussed it when the relationship ended not to partake in relations for a certain time at the least, unless either of us found someone that we care about and it's not just about s3x with them. At the very least, if you don't wait after a break up, don't let her/him or your loud mouth friends know. That's just messy.

  5. I think everyone can agree it's a case by case basis most of the time. I mean in general I do not jump in bed with someone after just meeting them and having a date or two. I can see when you've been good friends for awhile and then things start to turn into more…but I honestly don't understand how people do the one night stand thing. It takes a lot longer for me to be intimate with someone and frankly that just doesn't happen until I get to know a person.

    Regarding post relationship, I guess some people claim jumpin in the sack with someone new heals their wound. I think thats BS. Hurt and heartbreak is not cured by sex with some random. I think it's natural that most people will have a "rebound" relationship (sexual or emotional), but I personally wait at least a month or two to get my mind right before putting myself back out there to get hurt again.

  6. Its a case by case situation when you try to figure when it is acceptable to sleep with someone new. In general, if I'm looking for a relationship with said person, I tend to wait a bit. But if the sexual chemistry is there and I just wanna beat, then what's the point of "dating" a guy 1-3 months before sleeping with him? That's just a waste of time and hella boring. Just hump, and if you guys become FwB's, then great.

    I've never really been the type to immediately jump in the saddle with someone else after a breakup. I need time, at least a couple months to get my head and heart right.

  7. you youngin's hopefully will learn the importance of getting to know someone before letting them up inside you……
    the importance of intimacy being estb, first way BEFORE sex….
    the importance of knowing one another as human beings and friends first…
    the importance of caring even loving the person BEFORE sex..LMAO ya'll got alot to learn….

    timing even the universe is everything, everything………

  8. Concerning the pre-relationship I agree with others that you deal with it case by case.

    For the post-relationship I'd say that more than likely the individuals were on their way out (of the relationship) maybe weeks before they actually split. So if someone decides to get physical soon after then I don't see a problem with it. I'd be more concerned for the person they are getting physical with since they're the rebound guy/girl. They stand to possibly suffer more than the original couple.

  9. @Jubilance: So you'd be willing to put aside the potential for a relationship with the person so that you can pacify your vitamin D deficiency?

    @Runningmom: The man who takes off the condom..that's called the okie doke.

    @Kwana: What you say in your comment is why I look at a lot of people with disdain who wonder why they struggle so much when it comes to the opposite sex.

  10. "Then again, if women know within 5 minutes or less that they’re gonna be open to havin’ sex with a guy, why not just get down to business since it’s gonna happen anyway…"

    Yes, I believe we know we would (AOL keyword: would) thronx a dude in the first five minutes. Doesn't mean we want to or need to do it that instance. It's like, when an intelligent ninja is accepted into college. During their first year they pray know they will graduate and definitely look forward to it, but are not ready to at that moment in time.

    Simply put, the "when" of it all is a case by case basis. Basically a mofo has to be a Larenz Tate ala Love Jones to get Cheekie's goods that soon.

  11. pretty much, pretty much…… as cliche as it sounds nothing worth having comes easy, thats for men and women……esp in this day and age.. don't know where most are located but 1 in 20 folk in my area has that beast young HIV, 1 in 20…and half of the black population nation wide has herpes, half, thats 1 in 2..people need to slow down and VALUE themselves and their sex more, I'm not even gonna get into the spiritual ramifications of becoming ONE with someone and all that means, a whole nother converstaion………

  12. I prefer to wait at least 90 days and the confirmation that there is a monogamous relationship going on before I get me some Vitamin D. It doesn't really guarantee longevity (hence the fact that I've been celibate for 2 years…lol) but you get to know that person beyond the cutsie phase. As far as afterward…well, I don't knock nobody but I'm not one for D-hunting too much. So I like to chill and reflect on the past experience and heal before I move on (or up in my case 🙂 ) I don't want to be a bag lady carrying around issues…lol

  13. I am pretty inexperienced in this area so I don't have a SET formula. However, when I broke up with a guy I had been with for years and years and years I was probably a bit too respectful. I avoided guys that were in his fraternity or went to his undergraduate or graduate school. And also people that we both knew but weren't necessarily friend with. I did it WAY too long out of "respect", but you know the first time is a learning experience. If I decided to have a waiting period after breaking up with somebody else it would be because I needed one, not him.

  14. I'm going to need Slim to post a list of all the euphemisms he's created for sex– I learn a new one each time I read a sex-related post and this one was full of them. Nevertheless, two give my 2 cents, I'm a later rather than sooner proponent.

  15. I have mixed opinions about this. I, personally, wouldn't be looking to hook up with anyone soon after a break-up of a substantive relationship. But relationships end differently…going back to this case-by-case idea.

    I was in a relationship that ended long before we officially "broke up;" we simply grew apart. I had moved on mentally and emotionally before it was even fully deaded (does that make me a cheater?), and he had, too. While I wasn't specifically seeking anyone out after that, I would've been open to dating again sooner than you'd probably find suitable, Slim. Are there exceptions to this idea of moving on "too soon"? Could this be one?

  16. "While I wasn’t specifically seeking anyone out after that, I would’ve been open to dating again sooner than you’d probably find suitable, Slim. Are there exceptions to this idea of moving on “too soon”? Could this be one?"

    Yeah, I alluded to it in the post. It's like a husband and wife being separated but you haven't signed the divorce papers yet. As my good friend Seattle Washington would say, people delay on clubbing the baby seal for a variety of reasons. Once the break up happens, I don't think anybody can be mad at how soon the other dates under this circumstance. More than likely yall had both started looking at other people and just didn't tell each other.

  17. "@Jubilance: So you’d be willing to put aside the potential for a relationship with the person so that you can pacify your vitamin D deficiency?"

    No, what I'm saying is that sometimes you can meet someone, have a great sexual chemistry, and nothing else. No desire to date them, you don't "click" romantically, etc. In those situations I don't believe in going out on pointless dates, not enjoying yourself or that person's company, all so that you can get to some predetermined length of time that you or someone else deems as "acceptable" and then hump. I dont have time to waste like that. I'd rather just hump and send him on his way.

    With someone that I am interested in and want to date, with the possiblity of a relationship, I tend to wait a length of time, but that length of time varies.

  18. Okay having just read all the posts let me be serious for a sec, and procrastinate some more rather than finish this news story–

    Some of you mentioned both the impulse to have sex quickly and casually with a romantic interest. I can help but be the kill joy that connects our casual treatment of sex with the explosion of STD's and the HIV/AIDS epidemic in the black community, particularly amongst young Black women. Black women account for roughly half of ALL HIV/AIDS cases contracted through heterosexual sex.

    Really, I find it difficult to pass moral judgment on this issue because I concur, sex feels good (sometimes), but I do have to raise the question– why do we as women view sex so casually??

    Women have far more to loose in every sexual encounter. We can become pregnant and epidemiologically we are the far more vulnerable sex. Simply put, it is easier for us to contract STD based on our anatomy. Emotionally, we are even more vulnerable.

    For a woman it is an incredibly invasive act that can leave us feeling amazing or well, violated. And more often not, those one night stands are not AMAZING because our ability to orgasm is so mental. More on that note, it's not easy women to separate the physical from the psychological in sex. Therefore, to borrow the words of the famous Alexyss K. Tylor "A woman will let a man skeet all up in her vagina and brain". And this post-coital attachment frequently leads to depression like symptoms (seriously).

    So why are we so eagerly willing to give ourselves and place our health, livelihood, futures, and mind on the line with a whom we have no established no genuine rapport.

    I don't think this is an issue of how long to wait, of course that is a case by case scenario. I just think it is an issue of being selective and only sharing our bodies with men who well- deserve us, and respect us, and dare I say it– love us?! And this will not happen within two or three chill sessions.

    Furthermore, the casual treatment of sex is an integral feature of pop-culture. Women, especially Black women, are exposed from toddler hood to icons who bare it all and promote the idea that, pun intended, our ass is our most valuable asset.

    Hey, I'm definitely not casting a stone, but I think that when women stop viewing the body as a commodity to be bartered in exchange for items/attention/relationship and view it as the sacred, special body it is, we will find ourselves in much more physically and emotionally pleasing relationships.

    Slim, feel free to hate.

  19. @Jubilance: Gotcha. That's completely different. If you have no intention of dating, then well…do you but be careful out there!

    @ayesha: I'd be a misogynistic bastard if I hated on your empowering words to women. However, you've just given me the fuel for a couple blog posts in the near future. Good sh*t!

  20. Very good post and interesting topic.
    Well I don’t think I’m like most girls so I’ll give u my opinion.
    Pre-relationship depends on the vibe I get from the guy. If I really like you and I get the impression that u’ll b a good boyfriend and u meet all the criteria on my checklist etc I hold out for at least 3wks to a mnth. If ur just a guy that I can’t really see myself with or I’m using u as a the rebound dude 3 -5 days and then watever happens, happens. Sadly this has blown up in my face, I’ve had the rebound dude confess his love to me and propose marriage after only a few mnths. Of course I said “NO”!
    Post-relationship well that’s when the problem develops. Of course u want 2 b respectful to ur EX but going from having sex pretty much whenever u want to cold turkey sucks and it can cause withdrawal LOL. But out of respect even if it was a bad break up I hold out for 2wks, 3wks max and would expect the same.

  21. i live life with a lot of spontaneity so my answer to a lot of your questions with dependsssssssss…….I'm not tht calculating , i expect things to flow naturally…so if i meet a new guy within the period or mayb i had a toaster worthy of a relationship before tht so called accepted time frame…sorry i'mma get with them, the other party might b angry but thts the way the cookie crumbles

  22. and this is why I ( a female) still say dating females is so much better. You can have sex witihin the first 3 dates and still 'more than likely' end up in an exclusive relationship. MEN ARE COMPLICATED AND DONT KNOW WHAT THEY WANT!!! They like 'easy' but respect the 'reserved', but oh 'don't hold out too long because its the new day and age'. Men know that women are emotional and play off of it to get the 'cookies' and once they get it, will have the nerve to say….'I don't know why women get soo attached after sex and feel like I owe them something.'

    In the female flaws/deal breaker article SBM said that he felt something for the girl in the beginning and then they had sex and he realized he felt nothing…….u deceived that poor girl……SMH!! She probably never saw it coming because she did feel something.

    GOODNESS!!

  23. I'm not surprised about the first part, but it's not often that I see a man acknowledging the fact that there should be some refractory period for both sexes. If we're talking about an otherwise healthy relationship meeting its untimely end, I personally can't imagine having any desire to so much as kiss anyone else for a little while to come. Then again, I'm stingy with my kisses.

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