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So the other day, she comes up in conversation and he says, “Yo! Pops is real!” I take it as “her dads a real cool dude,” but that’s not what he meant. He went on to tell the story of how one time some young man called his cousin a b***ch and she went home upset and informed her father. Her father proceeded to go to the gentleman’s house with a hand-gun, ordered everyone out … “but you”, and proceeded to pistol whip the young man. And when I say young man, I mean young … he was in high school. He concluded the story with, “N***a … pops is real!”
Immediately two things came to mind –
- I should end this before she gets any reason to have hurt feelings and
- I really don’t like meeting peoples families.
I know for a fact from where my apprehensions stem. My family is great, in that I must maintain at least a different time-zone kinda way. They appear normal from the outside, but their anything but. Til this day I still get asked about girls from middle school biology study groups and my mom takes recreational college courses with my sisters ex-boyfriend from high-school’s mom. For these reasons and more, I’ve decided that if and when I ever get married (and the IF is winning), they’ll know when to show up to the church. Whenever asked about my romantic life, the subject is abruptly changed or flat out ignored.
Now don’t get me wrong, other people’s parents and families love me. I’m personable, speak well, look presentable and am comfortable in any setting. Mothers find me polite and charming and always love my smile and dimples. Dads usually say I’m “a fine young man” and comment on the firm handshake. But I just don’t like it. Putting on “the act”.
Families are always awkward in my opinion. Because I’m the type to actually listen (most of the time) I pick up on and remember things that are said. How can I look you mother in the face, when you just told me the other day how she is crazy as hell and made you and your siblings attend cult meetings every Friday night? Then there’s your father, the porn addict who use to spend the utility bills on prostitutes. And don’t forget your grandmother, the neighborhood “crazy cat lady.”
Growing up dating in high school and middle school, meeting families wasn’t that bad. Especially since they were probably already known from around the way. Back then, the worst case was this chick whose mother use to always say “why can’t you be more like (your older sister) or (younger brother).” Til this day I don’t know what she meant by that cause she seemed to be doing all right to me. I always felt like a little piece of me was dieing inside when ever her mom was driving us somewhere or we all were eating dinner. But things went down from back then.
Maybe its because I like to compartmentalize my life, but I file families right after “Did you have a bowel movement today?” but before “what do you wash first in the shower?” All are on a need to know basis.
Is this just one more thing to add to the list of what’s wrong with me or can somebody else co-sign?
Up until this past January…my father had only met one man in my life…my ex-husband.
I knew none of the others would be around long enough to matter and I rememebr my father saying way back when I was in high school…
"Unless he is important to you or if he hurts you, there is no reason for me to meet him."
Don't get me wrong, my dad is my best friend, he knew all there was to know about all of them but actually meet them…hell no.
I've met every mother of all the men I have dated, I never felt comfotable with that, never wanted that. Budda, if he wanted to expose himself like that…
To me, meeting parents is akin to introducing you to the kids…you just don't do that with any random ass…it gots to be exceptional and possibly marrying type of ass for all that. Ha!
I'll cosign because I also believe that parents (family) should not be brought into a relationship until you two are VERY serious. I'm not willing to subject my family to just anyone. My folks only were allowed to meet my first boyfriend (was a minor at the time) and my former fiance.
Unfortunately I think some of your meetings have been marred by another problem: TMI. My mom is my best friend, but I refuse to talk to her or anyone else in my family like we're best girlfriends. When people (you've just met) are telling you about things you did for which they weren't present, feeling uneasy is inevitable.
So I have "rules" about meeting the fam. I don't introduce the dudes I'm with to my fam and I don't wanna meet theirs unless the relationship is moving to serious committment. To me meeting the fam is a sign of a shift in the relationship and also a "coming out" of sorts to the world that this relationship is long-term. Now, there are some expections to the rule. If we are out and about and just so happen to run into a member of the fam, then of course you give the proper saluation…"this is X, X this is my cousin Y." No labels just the name. The simplicity of the greeting let's those you by happenstance encounter know you are just dating this person. I don't need the added stress of having to now live up to the fam's expectations or having the fam all up in my business!
You are not alone. I don't wish to meet anyone's family right now and I'm certainly not making any moves for anyone to meet my very own Adam's Family either!
the parents of every women that i've dated absolutely loved me. i disagree with you though. if i'm really serious about a woman i want to see first hand what type of home she came from. i want to see how she will look in 20-30 years. lol.
only 4 women in my life have ever met my mom and only 3 women have ever met my father. my family is crazy and i really don't like bring women around them unless i'm really serious about them.
I'm with those that say there needs to be some sort of serious committment in order to meet the fam. Now, I only have my mom (my dad passed when I was 13) and we are very close. On one hand, I worry about the "death stare" she'll give to the guy, but on the other hand, all guys love my mom. She always plays the "second mom" role. She has like 6 "sons" at her job. lol
Anyhow, double co-sign on this:
"Putting on “the act”."
I HATE this part. You know why I especially hate it. Because of the type of moms that consider their son their "man". I've seen and heard of it too many times before (not necessarily all directly concerning a guy I'm dating) to not be slightly traumatized. I mean, the only thing I can do is be myself and hope for the best. But, their Mama is gonna have to meet me halfway and be open enough to the possibility of me being in their son's life. None of that "side-eye" mess unless I give you a valid reason to do so.
Meeting the parents is awkward… I can count on one hand the guys that have actually met my family. One guy had to meet my mama this past weekend, we had no intentions to, but my mama takes it upon herself to ask, “did u talk to so and so today?”
Yesterday, I had to tell her, “Dude, he is not my man.. we don’t have to talk everyday.. he’s not mine and I’m not his.”
When u want to forget about a guy, your family won’t allow you to.
As for that situation regarding the chick’s parents you met last year, seems like she runs her mouth too much.
I've got so much to say about this one … I'm mad I didn't write the post myself!
My family is truly the worst. For example, my cousin in New Jersey was seen outside of his apartment with a girl … I heard about it within 3 days. The gossip is horrible.
Add to that my father who never forgets a girlfriend. He asked me about my college sweetheart (2004) up until last year as if we were still together and telling me to find her. Now he harasses me about the last gf he met on a regular basis.
Got a story too. First date … as I'm heading to pick her up, she tells me "you have to meet my parents. They want to meet anyone before they take me out". This wouldn't even have been an issue … if she wasn't 23 and I was 24! I mean … we're not 16 anymore.
I am so glad that I am not alone. I have a strict, "I aint meeting your parents unless we are engaged" rule. I have found from other friends that some parents are too interested in my life. There are things that I keep to myself and my relationship is one of them. It's bad enough I have to deal with his nosy ass friends, now you want to add the intimidating parents.
Reason: I had one parent tell me, "You are so smart, what are you doing with my son?!?!"
I don't do parents! You are not alone.
This is on my list and I co-sign! I mostly hate meeting a man’s mother… gives me the hebee gebees. Had a bad experience my freshman year, talked to his mother once and she told me to stop calling her baby. Even four years later (together that whole time) I went in to say hi, he walked into the other room, and she yelled to him, “we said hi, what you want us to do now?!” Yea I just turned and walked away. He then finally tells me she has epilepsy added to the fact that she didn’t have him until she was 49. So she liked me when she was in her right mind, but it scarred me.
I’ve met two mothers since, they were cool, said I was a lovely young lady. Been with a guy for over a year and I haven’t met his mom or sis whom he’s really close to, and he hasn’t met mine. Just my grandma and uncle, and they don’t really matter in the big picture. I like it that way. Extended family must remain separate from the relationship/marriage, hate when they get all up in your business! It wouldn’t hurt if I didn’t meet the fam until after the wedding, I plan to elope no matter who I end up with.
Very good post. Nicki hit the nail on the head, “When u want to forget about a guy, your family won’t allow you to.” Every man is not YOUR man so why parade him around your family like he is special? Meeting the ‘rents/extended fam is reserved for The One.
I have introduced my family to anyone I've dated since high school. I dont't want him to meet my family umtil after the wedding. No need to mess up a good thing…lol. I won't elope but I want a wedding in the Bahamas and I got a lot of bamas in my family who probably don't know where the airport begins and ends so I don't have to worry about them trying to be in the wedding…lol. He'll meet them at the reception.
"Got a story too. First date … as I’m heading to pick her up, she tells me “you have to meet my parents. They want to meet anyone before they take me out”. This wouldn’t even have been an issue … if she wasn’t 23 and I was 24! I mean … we’re not 16 anymore."
Been there, done that. Sh*t's wack. F*ck that.
meet my family………..for what I never saw the point but for some reason all the chicks ive dated want to meet the units ive just never been big into it
Families are indeed crazy. I've only introduced two females to my folks, one being my ex wife.
Yall are right when you say, your peoples won't let you forget about someone you used to be with. I always get them, "When's the last time you talked to or seen her," questions.
On the flip side I'm never comfortable meeting the ladies parents. They've always like me alot, but I just don't like being sized up by an often very domineering single mother (every girl Ive ever dated had an absentee father to some extent) who's looking at me like, "You're too good to be true for my daughter." They're always cordial but I can tell they don't trust my ass!