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You Want Me to Do What?!

46

I like sex. Sex makes me feel great. I probably think about it at least 20 times a day (more like 40) and each thought is usually different than the previous. There are so many positions and scenarios that run through my dirty mind that I could make a female psychic blush, giggle, and cut me the bedroom eyes 10 times over. My friends have a variety of nicknames for me because my mind is so dirty, and it isn’t usually a bad thing. I can take just about anything and turn it into something sexual, but I usually exercise self control and keep it clean in the streets.

Contrary to popular belief, I don’t just sling D anywhere. As entertaining as it would be to watch my bunz count skyrocket into the 60’s, 70’s, or 80’s , I worry about the repercussions of hardbody thronxing. For the average guy my age and with my “affiliations”, I’d say I’m on the low side of things. But don’t get it twisted, that doesn’t make my bedroom shenanigans any less entertaining. I was engaging in man talk the other day with a couple of the fellas. We were recalling some of the most reckless things that have happened in bedroom history. The type of things that make you pause for a second and wonder what the f*ck is going on.

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Example for the ladies:



You’re having pro wrestler type sex with a dude and you’re feelin’ what he doing with his thang. You think he’s bout to finish you off with backshots to the future, and without permission you feel him trying to manuever into the “exit only” orifice. Β OR, you’re doing something to him and he squeals for you to slip a finger into his A. What the eff do you do when this happens? Pause? That’s an understatement. Do you immediately dry up and cease to engage in activity? Do you just acknowledge his request and then ask questions later? Awkwardness.

Example for the fellas:

You’re beasting a chick and highly satisfied with your performance. She yells out in a burst of excitement the following: “Give it to me you big black f*ck ox!” OR, a chick that you respect and have sex with gets excited and tells you to let go in her grill. As for the former, is that a compliment? Do you pump it out and then ask her about her choice of words afterward? Personally, I’d explode in laughter and other ways eventually. As for the latter, how do you respond to such a random request? You know that once you sling that yogurt you’ll never look at her the same again. What do you do? If shorty’s a jump off, the answer is probably a lot more obvious.

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For those that aren’t yet having sex, since it seems that there are a few of you out there, I’m sure you have your own variation of something awkward that could go down in the bedroom or on the couch while you’re gettin your spoon on. Let’s assume you at least bless the microphone. How do you respond if he says “You take that sh*t right now!” and pushes your head down? Do you squeeze him where it hurts or do you just stop and say “What the eff!?” Ya see. There’s a scenario for everybody!

These things may sound extreme or not so extreme depending on your freak level, but they happen. How would you respond to a random sexual request or outburst that you weren’t comfortable with or expecting? And if bold enough to tell, what’s the strangest request or attempt that’s been made and how did you handle it? It’s okay. Just say it happened to “your friend”. We won’t tell.

Sexually Sane,

slim jackson

Comment(46)

  1. This isn't really a strange request in the bedroom, more of an accident.Freshemen of college me and my bf had our date night and had a good time. We got back to my dorm room and gave each other that look and we knew it was on. He pulled a condom out my drawer and put the edge in his mouth to tear it. This wise guy blows the little piece out and it got in my eye. I felt it go in my eye but it didn't hurt it was a little uncomfortable and we continued. the next day i felt it annoying me but was still ok. By day 3 my eyes was bloodshot red and the following morning It was swollen close. I had to go back home to NYC (thanks to my wonderful health insurance I can't be treated out of state unless its an emergency or they won't cover it) to the eye doctor. I got there and doc told me I had to see aspecialist bc it was lodged under my eyelid. finally I went to the other side of BK to the specialist my insurance covered and when the doc took it out he said "how in the world did you get a metallic fiber in your eye". I just said I dunno lol. I wound up wearing an eye patch for 3 days and having to take antibiotics bc the wrapper caused an infection in my eye.

    My bf liked the eye patch and wanted to role play pirate and damsel in distress with the patch. I went along with it once. Arrrr

  2. I am so glad I came across your blog because I needed a laugh. One of the examples you gave happened to me.

    So as I am going down on my BF (ex) he tells me to put my finger in A. All thoughts stopped, and I thought WTF? So I pretended that I didn't hear him, because it wasn't like he screamed it or anything. Then he asks again, louder this time. Me being a chicken (and almost finished)was thinking, hell no, just be quiet. So afterwards, he asked me did I have a hearing problem. I told him, nope, that I heard him just fine but I don't play with no-no holes okay? He then asks me why, and I told him that truthfully that since we hadn't been together that long and I just didn't feel comfortable doing the weird stuff just yet and if it was something he "needed" then we should of talked about it. Suffice to say, he got pissed and things weren't the same after that.

  3. lol @ "no-no hole"

    I was dating this guy who only wanted to go down on me at first (wow, yay). We talked a lot about sex what we like, what we don't like eventually landing on the subject of fantasies. Some fantasies you can make come true.. others really should be just left in your head. So he proceeds to tell me that he always wanted a girl to do him in his ass. I was surprised by this, but hey ok whatever turns you on. Apparently I was a little too non-judgemental about it because he went out and bought a strap on dick for me to use on him "when I was ready" – ha ha ha ha. It's still in the closet collecting dust and it's been there for years. I'm not sure I could ever do that to my man. Yikes.

  4. You stop. Well I would stop, I have no problem doing it actually. I've stopped before when a guy tried to push my head down to his manhood. That's something that I should want to do for you, I don't like feeling forced.

    But that's my answer. I stop having sex altogether, he'll know better the next time around.

  5. @Jasmine: You just cold turkey the dude? Damn. I forgot how effective a strike or work stoppage could be in making your point.

    @ everyone else: I read the first few comments and my abs began burning. A dude tryna get a chick to pipe him with a dildo is a red flag in my book. I hope he was joking.lol.

  6. @RunningMom That's just weird. I thought gay men only liked it in the A-hole but I guess not. =

    After I giving my fwb partner head one time, he told me to bend over on the bed. I did as he said and after a minute of bending over nothing happened. I don't know if he was thinking about something or if there was something weird on my butt. I asked him if he was okay and he said yeah. All of a sudden, I feel his "thing" poking my a-hole. He was trying to put it in! I stood up and said, What are you doing? He tried to play it off and tell me to bend over again. Then, he f*cks me the right way. He's knows I'm not freak-a-leek and I'm not engaging in his crazy sex adventures. He's lucky he get's head.

    “Give it to me you big black f*ck ox!”

    That just made me laugh. I'm not allowed to say anything in the bedroom (which sucks). My fwb partner likes to be in control. He wants to do the talking when were f*cking. "Just caress my body and kiss me." That's all he wants so, that's all he gets.

  7. I have this friend that was with this guy and while they were in the middle of some great sex he slips his finger in her @sshole. She was extremely shocked, felt slightly violated but also really enjoyed it and it turned out to be some of the best sex she'd ever had. LOL

    The moral of the story is, "Try something new…you just might like it". (But not the strap-on thing, that's just weird)

  8. I don't do "no-no holes" either, yikes! lol

    No guy has ever asked me to do anything close to his A, some hate even when I smack it. I'm an ass chick, I like smacking A.

    Never had any insane requests either… I like dirty talk, tell me how and what you want, and I'm just as demanding. My dude now told me one time that he takes it easy on me, since I'm not a JO. But I beg him every time to do so. Doesn't want to hurt me, or rather me see that side of him. I'm actually a little frightened by that since he's a beast already, how much more could he be holding back?!

    But no, no weird stuff that makes me say WTF. Thinking hard too… titty f'ing is fun… is that weird for a chick to like that? I know we have some freaks on here, come on fess up! lol

  9. "titty f’ing is fun… is that weird for a chick to like that?"

    @reign: titty effin is a lost art form…

    @Tam: I imagined the following with regard to the story of your friend as dude took his finger to her A…

    "oh no, dont do that!"
    "oh no, dont do…"
    "oh no, dont…"
    "oh no…"
    "ohh!"

  10. LOL @ this post!

    Your "verbiage" is HILARIOUS “‘exit only' orifice" LMAO

    Okay I'm going to just put this out there… This is my perspective. I feel like people have a problem expressing their true sexual desires and (from my experience) a common characteristic of an EXCELLENT lover is one who asks you what you want and what you like, tells you what he wants and what he likes… as opposed to one who think they know it all, flipping me side to side, licking me in weird places (behind the knee… really?! Ugh c’mon!). I am certain most people are taken aback by some requests (understatement) but don’t immediately knock ‘em, if you don’t want to do it… express that, and follow it with what you DO want to do or try.

    FYI: The prostate is a highly sensitive erogenous spot for many men and unfortunately because men who want to explore that spot get labeled as “gay” so quick they are often experience massive sexual confusion… I like my pussy ate but that doesn’t make me gay.

    πŸ™‚

  11. @ Slim: I think so too, don't hear my ladies talking about it too much. It needs a "cum" back. I would get into detail about my like for it and the additional pleasures but this is not the forum… best I remain a lady. LOL

  12. I'm a freak…most things go accept for bondage, animal involvement and the use of props…wait…it depends on the props.

    BTW…although I've never had my prostate explored, I feel if someone does it they better shroud that ish in secrecy or I'll discontinue their blood line.

  13. lol. this post is hilarious.

    your example happened to me once. this chick i was having sex with wanted me to cum down her throat and all over her face. i acted like i didn't hear her but she was adamant about her request. i told her naw and then i let it go on her favorite spot. lol. afterward it was kind of arkward because i wondered if that was a one time thing or if she just liked pearl necklaces like that.

    besides that i don't think there are too many things where i was uncomfortable with. pretty much down with everything else (besides that outrageous shit). i think.

  14. I've had the situation where the jawn ask me for the yogurt on the face, I obliged, happily. I've done all that nutty shiznic, nothing near my "no-no" hole. A girl tried to put her tongue there, I'm damn near kicked her in the head. The titty f'ing usually leads to yogurt on chin which is really funny to me. I know a girl who I put a finger in the poop chute, she said she liked it too and asked me to do it again. I'm not into talkin, I just like to do work "So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin on his face. If he worried he hid it. He started to sing as he tackled the thing. That couldn't be done, and he did it."

  15. Slim yes sir, turned it off and got up like nothing was happening.

    Running mom…OH WOW!! That's a whole lot of things. But u shouldn't let the strap on go to waster…tap into your inner freak, lol…if you know what I mean.

    Reign, ummm yeah you're on your own right there sister.

  16. loll this is funny as hell! to answer your question, it depends on what he asks. i might just do it and ask questions later. im very open-minded in the sex department.

  17. So there was this guy I had been talking to for a couple weeks. He was a prospect but very far from definite. I was actually almost at the point where I had fully realized he was just one of those guys who are simply cool to hang out with, nothing more. (We hadn't even really smooched yet—and smooching is my thing.)

    So you might understand how/why I was taken aback when he started tryna suck my toes. Yea…that happened. I don't even know how it happened. We were watching a movie, he offered to rub my feets ::PAUSE:: Yes, I let the man rub my feet. I had had a long day's work. Who am I to deprive myself of such goodness? ::PLAY:: Next thing I knew, he was giving the woppington to my big toe.

    My immediate instinct was to put my head back and enjoy the surprisingly pleasing feeling that was consuming me kick him in the head with my other foot. I didn't mean to—it kinda just happened. I asked him "wtf?" and he explained that he had this foot fetish that was only realized the first time he saw my feets in some sandals. That night, he couldn't help himself. Compliment? Uhm…I don't even know. I haven't talked to him since.

  18. Slim: “Give it to me you big black f*ck ox!” …Do you pump it out and then ask her about her choice of words afterward?”

    If a woman told me this, then I would give it to her with my big black f*ck ox @$$.

    "OR, a chick that you respect and have sex with gets excited and tells you to let go in her grill."

    Who am I to deny such a request?

    Running Mom: “…he proceeds to tell me that he always wanted a girl to do him in his ass. I was surprised by this, but hey ok whatever turns you on. Apparently I was a little too non-judgemental about it because he went out and bought a strap on dick for me to use on him “when I was ready””

    I am mortified.

  19. @ Jasmine: You just don't do that for anyone. And it's a fall back when mother nature arrives, can't have sex and I don't feel like blessing the mic.

    @ Peyso: "The titty f’ing usually leads to yogurt on chin which is really funny to me."

    Not necessarily πŸ˜‰ lol

    Finally thought of one… this guy I use to date liked tossing salads, never heard of that before. And wanted me to partake as well. Ummm…. No. Not for me to give or receive. Definitely will not get kissed ever again.

  20. LMAO!!

    I think the funniest thing is if a chick is going down on me, I will respectfully let her know that I will 'Tell her when to go" (c) E-40. Its even crazier when one chick was like "Tell me? For what?" and proceeded to roc my mic like a Grammy winning RnB singer. I had no reaction (well until I blasted off), but suffice to say gangsta moments like that I have no choicce but to respect, and say "Wow" to myself.

  21. OMG such prudes…

    Anal sex is freaky??? C.R.E.A.M in or around the mouth, a no-no for the "good girl"???

    What happened to the love for the down @ss chick, slim jim?

  22. @Cuzzo: Let's face it, most women are not taking it up the pooper.lol. It may not be freaky, but it's still gonna be awkward if a guy decides to just invade the anus without permission.

    As for penis colada in or around the mouth, that's not an issue of being freaky either. It's just awkward if a chick that a man doesn't expect it from suddenly asks him to spray her in the face.

    Freaky is in the eyes of nymph beholder. Awkwardness is a more universal thing.

  23. OMG!!!
    My ex fiance' liked pulling out when we have unprotected sex. Some men have this fantasy about cumin' in a woman. Not this man. He was climaxing and he did something I would never forget. He came all over my belly. I thought the cum would never stop flowing. He told me to rub it all over my body like lotion. WTF!?!? "You crazy!" I got up, flipped the lights on. And ran in the shower. "Baby, what I do? Open the door let's talk. It didn't feel good?" That was the last time he EVER did that.

    We talked about it afterwards. But it was more like me telling him what he'll never do or say to me again. Ya know! It's a womans thang.

  24. oh Slim Jim, how u sleigh me…penis colada, anyone?

    "You know that once you sling that yogurt you’ll never look at her the same again."

    i am ure woman and i want you to look at me the same after the battle royale in the boudoir…if it's your thing (anal or facial spraycation)…when do u propose it be brought up to not be awkward? during the foreplay? the romantic dinner at cracker barrel?

  25. Even with all the I watch… I have never seen another man's asshole. I have seen my own, and its fucking disgusting. A women's hole is a thing of beauty and compared to some of these chicks with there roast beef lips, a healthy alternative to rubb on or in. No tossing salads, but I am trying to stick a finger in on the second night. Ill let the facials or sperm shallow be your decision, but I MUST cum on you. The pull out is so necessary. If I don't see my cum, how do I know I came??

  26. Funny post!!! I think I might get in trouble at work for laughing so loud. You are right everyone has a story, and here is mine.

    About 2yrs ago I was dating this guy. I was performing oral sex on him. While I was down there he turned on his side and raised his leg in the air. I find waaaay to many things funny so I damn near passed out from laughing in my head. My initial thought was 'what the hell is this fool doing' I didn't want to ruin the mood so I didn't say anything.

    I continued what I was doing as I watch him constantly raise his leg back and forth while making the ugliest faces ever. I was literally dying inside from laughter because I couldn't believe what he was doing. I didn't know if he had a cramp, if that was a signal for something else, or that it just felt good. I never said anything to him about. I later called one of my guy friends and told him about it and we laughed about it.

    Did we stop having sex? Nope, not at first. Despite the weird little things he did during sex, the sex was still fire and I wasn't ready to stop…lol!

  27. @Cuzzo: Why is it my cousin thats the only one completely unphased … sigh. Even i agree with about sharing my nutty butter. Hell … I don't like touching it myself … so why do I wanna kiss the residue.

    @Kay: Nut on stomach … man … that's basic.

    @All: I hope for a day when women beg for anal and I can retire my 12 step process in rear end negotiation. Oh yes … SBM is gonna see that no-no hole.

  28. @ SBM: Some women resrve that for their husbands. That's the only time I'll consider it. 50/50 chance… or my hubby just better make sure I'm wasted, lol.

  29. Kay- How old are you? If you don't mind me asking. Cuz nutting on the stomach or on the ass is really basic to me. If dude is pulling out where exactly do you expect the nut to go?

  30. Ok…everyone is saying nut on the stomach is basic—fine. But uhm did we miss the most integral part of Kay's story?! Dude told her to "rub it all over [her] body like lotion." I think therein lies the problem. LOL

  31. @ Nyela Goodness

    What else is she supposed to do with it? IDK, I guess maybe Im using my self-reflective goggles here, but thats what I do with it anyway. Something very sexy about it.

    @ Kay just go with it hun, it does wonders for the skin LOL!

  32. @Nyela: Ok … I will admit the lotion part was a bit extra … but she shoulda just laughed and ignored it. No need to go running to the shower with the look of disgust on her face.

  33. I think if you are comfortable with your partner…almost anything goes. Anal, money shots and gsg-head is ok …as long as we are both giving as good as we get. Including if a man likes a finger in the ass. After all, men have more sensitive nerve endings in thier anal area thean women…so whats the big feal? I think that's more about society decising what is taboos.
    When it comes to being "freaky" or "nasty"…I don't believe in that. Sexual pleasure is a natural thing.

    With that said, there are some tings that are just plain gross TO ME… golden showers, shitting on someone, beastiality…those type of things are just extreme.
    But hey, to each their own.

  34. @ Slim – Nope, no joke. I think he was really disappointed that we never did it…I wonder if he ever found anyone to take care of that for him.

    @ Stephanie – Here's my thing.. It was fun to talk about and discuss.. but actually doing it. Not so much. I hear the prostate is extra sensitive though…Maybe a straight guy will confess to loving it and tell us more..

    @ Tam – lol, yeah it was/is weird.

    @ Jasmine – I have my own B.O.B. that vibrates… πŸ˜‰ so much better than the ones that don't.

    @ Hugh Jazz – LOL! I have some fantasies that I would never speak out loud. Like I said, some things are just better left fantasy!

  35. Okay as for the ass thing taboo-I feel its not about what society says is cool-hell weed is the NO 1 cash crop in the USA and we all know how taboo drug usage is so weed smokers dont give a damn about social taboo's my whole thing is whats the fascination with men and the anus anyway?

    The last time I thought about it was when it was still "new" to me but at 33 I dont care for it-some things you dont HAVE to try to know you aint diggin it-such as eating live squid…

    Anyway this one chick thought she'd get me to go ape by saying that "you really not a nerd (which I am not) you really a gangsta (which I never cared for in the least)hiding behind that" her problem is she went to the stock characters and sterotypes-yea I am smart but I dont exibit nerd tendencies at all-and having close friends and fam doin gangsta yrs in prison I dont need to even think along those lines-cant see why just telling how big my shit is and all that wouldnt havent worked. Talking about using the same shit over and over-she use to runnin with lame dudes too much. It all went to the left after that but that had more to do with her son and his father and thats a WHOLE other story.

  36. All I'll say to this, is sexual compatibility is a beautiful thing………. have you ever been with someone and its just all intuitive and just crazy mad sensual, every move, every touch, every kiss etc etc etc, passionate beyond belief……nothing like that, hard to forget

  37. I know I am mad late, but this has to be the best thing I've read all day!!! I guess it depends what you're into. But one thing brought up kills me with guys:
    "a chick that you respect and have sex with gets excited and tells you to let go in her grill"
    This girl doesn't exsist, if she did, men wouldn't cheat. If you could do this with your "look good on paper" girl, you wouldn't have a jump off.

    I think the only thing that would have me looking at a guy strange, no, have me get dressed & leave or kick that fool out, depending upon our location, would be the list that Blah, Blah, Blah mentioned the pissing/pooping, and pets and eeeel all that. A man asking me to do him in the booty with a toy would have me ask him A LOT of questions, and I wouldn't do it, and we also would not be having sex after that evening. But I'd be curious and want to know his angle. I will/have slipped a digit but total assfuckation, uhhh no.

  38. "“a chick that you respect and have sex with gets excited and tells you to let go in her grill”This girl doesn’t exsist, if she did, men wouldn’t cheat. If you could do this with your “look good on paper” girl, you wouldn’t have a jump off."

    @100% Redbone: my gf IS that chick =D

    Yeah, I'm a lucky muhfucka lol

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