Status Check

22

When I am going to the airport I check the status of my flight to see if its been delayed.  If I order a pizza and its been too long, I’ll call up the store and check the status of my delivery.  If I am waiting at a restaurant and I want to know when my food is coming, I’ll go ahead and ask for a status update.  If I’m in my car, instead of just waiting for it to run out of gas, I’ll check the status on the fuel gauge.  I’m pretty sure we all have a million things we check the status on during the day … but there seems to be just one area where too many get nervous and all b****h made.

You know where I’m going with this …

Their Relationship Status

Yes, countless stories come my way of people afraid to find out where they stand with the person they have been going out with, spending time with, and bending over backwards with a feather in their mouth while their partner wears a cape warms up the maple syrup probably sleeping with.

In most of these situations, you usually have two positions that everyone can be characterized into.

If it ain’t broken … don’t try and fix it

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This person is enjoying these escapades and the time being spent.  There is a good chance they have other people and they aren’t trying to move things forward … they got as much as they need. Either their not just that into you, or they want to sleep around some more, or they just don’t believe in labels … whatever the reason … they’re not going to use the dreaded “r-word” (relationship) unless their sex\phone time\free meals\spooning is threatened.

Everything’s running fine … but could be running better

This is person wants to know where they stand and what their standing on.  They probably want things to move forward and just don’t believe in staying stagnant.  While the P or V is good … they probably want something more.  Dating leads to relationships, and casual dating is just something people who are afraid of commitment say (according to them).  This “situation” had better be moving towards something good!

I am going to state this now so there is no confusion for anyone … It’s the second person’s responsibility to ask “Where do we stand?”!

I hate to put females on the spot (I’m lying … I love doing it), but this is usually a female problem.  They find themselves wanting to turn this FwB or casual dating situation into something serious, but they refuse to ask.  They feel its not their place, the other person should be jumping hurdles in order to lock them down, and that they need to be fought for. *sigh* …

See Also:  Are Arguments For Better Or For Worse?

The fact of the matter is, if the other person is happy and knows that they don’t need to do anymore to keep their current situation … why are they?  Do you walk into McDonald’s, see that a Big Mac is $2, and then just voluntarily give another $5 just for the hell of it?  No … you are going to give what they say they want (or imply) in order for you to get what you want … the meat and some special sauce (pause).  And while I hear women often in the second role, it can just as easily be a guy (read: a sucka).  Point is if you want it … its up to you to make it happen.

So, good people of SBM.net, my friends, my family … what do you think?  Does the “typ 1” person have a responsibilty to realize that their partner wants more and offer it (or tell them it will never happen)? Should this artificial fear of the “status check” be discarded away like spinning rims and the jheri curl? What about you?  You scurrred?

Comment(22)

  1. I think it is the woman's responsiblity to ask. From my experience, if a man is getting focked right and you are keeping him happy, it's gonna stay right there, flatlined.

    In the past, I was scurred. I didn't want to seem crazy and deranged, but now I'm not longer like that. I'm upfront and tell men that I want a relationship. If that's not what he wants, he can slide off.

    ***I guess this can be easily turned around but I can only speak for my s3x***

  2. I think if a person wants more or wants to just clarify what is going on then they should ask. The worst that can happen is that the person say they don't want what you want and then you have the choice to stay anyway or keep it moving. Otherwise you'll just be in relationship purgatory and probably won't realy be happy if you are the type of person that needs a status update.

  3. I just had to do a status check on this past Friday. I fufilled that stereotype that females are the ones that normally want to take the relationship to "another level". For me everything worked out for the better. The boo and I are officially official thanks to my take charge attitude =)

  4. Aww congrats Ziggy!

    This hits too close to home, I just had the exact opposite happen. I guess when you can see things slowly sliding downhill you already know whats up and dont need to ask the status. At that point its time to quit playing around and move on.

    Also, I think more oftent han not men assume that if they're "just that in to" a woman, the feelings are mutual. Instead of bringing up the topic they go with the flow until there seems to be a problem.

  5. Congrats Ziggy! Me and my boo have a status check every three months like clock work. People always think we're married but we're not even in a "relationship." We are trusting of each other and want to be together but at this time we both have ambitions that need to be fulfilled and we can not dedicate the time to be totally attentive to one another. But we just cannot not be friends, we tried and didn't make it four days lol. The saga continues but we're both happy and have a great time. When it's good it's good, when it's bad it's still good. 🙂

  6. Thinking about this some more, I also have to say that this…" they’re not going to use the dreaded “r-word” (relationship) unless their sexphone timefree mealsspooning is threatened…" is really simplifying things to the lowest common denominator.

    Just because sex is good doesnt mean your man/woman will stay! This is a wide-spread myth that I'm really staring to resent. Eventually, at some point, somebodys going to want more than their back blown.

  7. Classic wise words quoted:
    "If I have not defined what this is, that's exactly what it is… undefined."

    I think the owness is on the man with one exception. The man should step up and guide the definition of the bond. And a man should be honest with himself when he feels that the girl is catching feelings and either let her go, move forward in the bond, or have a quick status meeting.

    As a personal testimony i'd admit that i've had a situation where the chick told me from jump she didn't want to be in a relationship at ALL. Then later on was like, I think I want to be in a relationship. She was also upset with me for wanting nothing more than just FwB, I was like, wait a minute you told me that you didn't want a relationship. Why would I suggest a relationship?

    The moral of that story, if you are going to define the status, if you change the status, YOU NEED TO INFORM THE OTHER PERSON before jumping out the window…

  8. @ Dr J: I co-sign on that the man should step up because chicks are not the only one's noticing a change in the situation sometimes. Your testimony is basically the norm for most women. It's happened to me once before but all it took was for him to dip out for me to chunk him the deuce.

  9. @ Reign…every 3 months is good,

    even if the status talk isn't had, maybe a "rules" talk should take place… (ie, "I'll let you hit it from the back 3 days a week, but you can't have relations with anyone else" or "if we are going to be FWB's, you can't have sex with anyone else, and I won't either, but the minute you feel like taking a "vacation", let me know before hand…)…rules are good too, as long as they aren't broken…

  10. I have no fear of finding out what my status is. I'm more fearful of not knowing and behaving unaccordingly. I'd rather not grant him any unobligated privileges or demand such of him. I hate being uncertain, need to know where we stand at all times.

  11. “I think if a person wants more or wants to just clarify what is going on then they should ask.”

    I agree with Tam. Life is too short and time is too valuable to be sitting around wondering and playing games. Besides, you should feel comfortable enough with the person to ask those type of questions. If you don’t feel comfortable asking, then it’s time to re-evaluate the situation anyway.

  12. I don’t think the “status check” is gender specific, but somebody has to have the cajones to ask the question eventually. Chances are y’all could both be on the same page and not even know it because both people are scared to ask for fear that the feelings aren’t mutual…. however, trying to avoid hurting feelings/getting feelings hurt can lead to more hurt feelings. I like to know boundaries and parameters…. what’s ok, and what’s out of bounds. I don’t like stepping on hidden landmines. If everyone is trying to be cool (“Dont’ fall for it… don’t fall for it…. ice cold”) and not ask for fear of what the answer may be…. well, that can be a recipe for disaster. Trust me on that one… I’m still trying to fix a near disaster resulting from this very issue (or avoidance thereof).

  13. I do have trouble asking for a status check. I dunno why. At the same time I don't assume i'm in a relationship unless homeboy asks if I to makeitofficial or whatever.

    I did my first status check last week.We'd been hanging out regularly for 3mos. so i asked and he gave me some hesitant b-s answer about we're both busy. So I told him it was fun while it lasted and we shouldn't see each other anymore. It was a lil nerve wracking but worth it. Perhaps now i'll be able to ask for a status check

  14. LOL DC DATING DIVA your rules negate the purpose of a FwB type deal, what you gave as an example of rules goes against the whole nature of FwB LOL……..

    People are so confused, would you just get in a car and drive around aimlessly having no direction or destination?????
    Sounds crazy right, not knowing the very same things about your dealings with someone, you have probably let all up in your body, mind, heart etc sounds crazier!

  15. I agree with this post 1000000% Closed mouths do not get fed. And people only do what you let them do. So if you allow a person to believe that sex and dinner at a chain restaurant is "quality time" or thats all that is required, why would they do more?

  16. ehhhh.

    If anything, I think the fault of women who find themselves in sitch #2 with a sitch #1 type dude, 3-6 months deep is that they should have filtered homie #1 out of the game from JUMPstreet. Why even get yourself in a predicamemt with someone who is not interested in a relationship- when you KNOW that's precisely what you want? There's nothing wrong with him for not wanting a relationship, and there's nothing wrong with you wanting one.

    There is something wrong with you and him both settling for something you didn't originally want b/c you've already invested (read:wasted) 'x' amount of time in it.

    This is the type of convo you have early on- differences are identified, and if you can't come to a compromise, you bounce and everyone cuts losses, saves time and hurt feelings. No harm, no foul.

  17. @ Dr. J – it's true

    @ Kwana – you have to have rules, even in a FWB situation, like "if I'm gonna be your FWB, there will be some boundaries"

    – no spending the night
    – no sex without a condom – ever
    – you must be available at least 4 times a week,

    I think that's the problem, we don't establish the rules upfront, if I know what I am getting into upfront, I don't have to second guess anything

  18. Great post. Men are more likely to be "ok" with limbo land while women aren't (I said MORE likely…not EVERY man or every woman). So, as a woman, there's no way I'm going to sit in limbo land wondering what we are or aren't doing. If we aren't on the same page, I'm out so I can find someone on my page, simple as that.

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