Fallin’ Off

37

Complacency sucks no matter what area of life we’re talking about. Complacency on the job gets you fired. Complacency on a sports team gets you benched. Complacency in school can cost you an internship or admission to an elite program. Complacency in a relationship gets you dumped or cheated on. There’s a difference between being content and being complacent. Someone can be content with where they are in their life, but still give their best with everything that they do even if they don’t aspire to reach another level. Someone that’s complacent will typically start slackin’ and fall into the trap of thinking they’re all set. They don’t keep themselves sharp, and they ultimately end up in an undesirable situation wondering how they got there.

Being that this site primarily deals with relationships and associated dynamics, let’s talk about complacency in that context. This post was inspired by a conversation with a fellow blogger and friend of mine, Seattle Washington. I don’t remember specifically how we got on the topic, but more than likely we saw some dude with some girl he’d been dating for a while and noticed that she had “let herself go”. This probably spurred the discussion of multiple women from college and beyond where the woman looked one way when she was single, and then just completely fell off once she got into a relationship. And when I talk about someone falling off, I’m talkin’ about stuff that the person has control of. Getting in a car accident and having a visible scar on the face or a diagnosable condition does not count as falling off. Being 130 lbs.  and single and sexy then getting into a relationship and floating up to 160 (without a medical excuse) could be considered falling off.

See Also:  The Magneto Complex: Getting dumped for the ex

But Slim, you act like men don’t be fallin’ off and shit!

No. Society acts like men don’t be fallin’ off when they get into a relationship. Seriously though, how often do you hear about dudes looking their best and then gettin’ into a relationship and fallin’ off physically? I can’t imagine a man bein’ like “Well, I’m good. I got me a boobear so eff the gym. Pass me a beer and some fried chicken for the rest of my life. F*ck cardio!” I’m not saying this is what women say, but the stories of chicks gettin’ booboo’ed up then becoming less aesthetically pleasing are endless. As critical as women are of each other, I’m sure every one of you beautiful folks (Not to be confused with “you people”) that read this blog can name at least 2 chicks who you think fell off since gettin’ a man and you’re about to steal that man.

But being the open-minded sex machine guy that I am, I will concede that men do have the ability to fall off. When we get complacent, we fall off in our gestures and/or behavior. Maybe we stop saying the nice things we used to say because we just think it’s understood and doesn’t need to be said anymore. Maybe we start “forgetting” the significance of certain events and places. Maybe we act oblivious to your blatant signs of horniness and go to sleep instead because we expect the goodness to be there tomorrow. Gettin physically sloppy and becoming uncouth just cuz we got a girl? Ehh, not so much. Regardless of which side of the table you’re sittin’ on, “falling off” will leave you and your relationship vulnerable. If you don’t believe that, then you’ve probably already fallen off and you’re being cheated on as you read this post…though I really hope that’s not the case.

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So what does “falling off” mean to you? Do the women actually know men who just became physically unappealing after getting into a relationship? Got additions for my examples of falling off? Have you fallen off and you’re trying to get back on track? Let’s question, comment, and be concerned!

You’ll Never Catch Me Slippin’ Unless It’s Icy Outside,

slim jackson

Comment(37)

  1. I agree! But those that want to keep what they have will strive to either be better or stay consistent.

    As the old saying goes. "The same things your did to get what you wanted, you have to continue in order to keep it!"

  2. A man falling off in terms of behavior is the equivalent of a woman falling off in terms of looks– the opposite sex places equal value on both. Really. But nonetheless, I agree. I want to look good for my sig-o, but really, I LOVE to look good for myself LOL. And of course, I expect, the same in return.

  3. Ohhh that is a LIE that men don't have a tendency to physically fall off when they get into a relationship!!! That's something that happens for both men AND women. I've known plenty of guys (usually when they get married) who put on a few once they are locked down. Think about it…. all that time you had for the gym now (at least partially) gets consumed with boo'd up activities. Then if you have a guy who all the sudden has someone to cook for him, that's even more reason to fall off. Fortunately I don't have this problem with my beau, but The Ex Husband SHO fell off once he got with his new chick and started eatin' good. But he had a complacency problem in general (which is why he is The Ex).

    Which reminds me…. I need to bring my gym clothes to work tomorrow.

  4. I think that both sexes have the tendency to fall off. The biggest thing to me is that you have to hold each other accountable. When I notice my husband gaining weight I don't buy any more cookies at the grocery store and I might say, "Hey honey, don't you think its time you get back in the gym?". Insensitive? Maybe. Better for the relationship in the long run? I think so. Now would this work the other way around? Probably not. Most men wouldn't dare tell a woman she needs to get in the gym but maybe they should instead of just sitting around upset cause she's getting/got fat.

    I agree with Ayesha – I love to look good for myself so it isn't a problem for me not to fall off physically. However some people need external motivation to keep them in line.

  5. Naw ima have to disaagree dudes can fall off as my dad said pussy makes you fat. The only differance is how extreme the fall off's of women are most dudes look generally the same when women fall off you have to look at a pic from a few years ago and it looks like a completly diff women

  6. One issue is that L O V E word. Your women telling you she'll be with you forever and how you still look good but really your falling off. Dudes can definitely fall off the same as girls, but it seems to affect women more. Society is more harsh on women, maybe thats why we notice their flaws more.

  7. I can already see that there's going to be a difference in opinion for those who are married vs. those who are just in relationships without the ring…let's keep this going.

  8. Falling off is not maintaining whatever it is that you were doing to get the esteem position of being, "by your side," like Jadakiss (promise I can find a song lyric for anything. lol)

    Anywho, my cousin used to be slim and trim and after she had two kids, through a few of life's circumstances, she started a relationship with a woman.. if this woman was born a man, she'd be perfect.. she took care of my cousin and her kids (she didn't have to work), she moved them to a new city… and in the process, my cousin's weight BALLOONED.

    I've never fallen off… I am too anal about appearance.. when I'm single, I'm still keeping everything tight, everything waxed, (even though no one is getting it), so I wouldn't just stop cold turkey once I get a man.

  9. I agree with Ayesha. (some) Men may not fall off physically, but they tend to change their behavior when they get too comfy in the relationship.

  10. When I'm with a good man, I don't fall off–in fact, it makes me step it up a notch or two. You can tell the ones who are not as happy in their relationship as they would like for you to believe–because they start falling off.

    Now on the flipside of that–folks do get comfortable around each other and may slack in some areas–but the slacking, shouldn't be for long periods of time. If you're in a relationship, you should be able to communicate–without hurting the other person's feelings.

  11. Nicki Sunshine I concur…..looking good is feeling good for the most part, even if everything ain't sweet.
    I take too much pride in my appearance and puts in much work just to let everything slide with or without a dude, Stay FLY til you Die is my motto, and like Jigga I keeps it tight nucca LOL …….

    besides I feel when you take proper care of yourself that in turn IS caring for your S/O, spouse…….

  12. I've seen many a man fall off with me… mostly because I like to eat. My dude now has to watch his cholesterol, he's early 30s, and his doctor was like "man you were doing good controlling it, what happened? You got a woman you're eating out with all the time." Lol, I felt bad because I try to be cautious about what we both eat for his health and mine. But he works out almost daily to stay in control and I just started back. I myself have always been the same weight since high school; it just seems to redistribute itself, lol. But I like to look good. I act like it's a first date when we get ready to go out and we've been close for over a year. I take pride in myself and knowing that he finds me sexy. It my just depend on the woman's mentality.

  13. I have to co-sign Anesidora. It works both ways and if I am cooking for you every day or you are courting me with fine dining and wine, either of us is subject to put on some appearance-altering weight.

    Also, co-signing Slim, men do tend to fall off with gestures but so do women. A woman could keep it tight in the weight arena, but unleash her inner b! and start cursing you out, nagging or otherwise make herself unappealing.

    To quote my boy Junior by way of Lil Wayne and Babyface – don't you ever get too comfortable.

  14. I think it's unfair to say or even imply that in the physical form women are the only ones who fall off, especially since we are the ones that bear children as well. Nothing like a pregnancy to add a few hard to shed pounds. Yes I know women who've added pounds or are no longer the flyest thing on the scene but I think it's more about the lifestyle change that often comes with being in a committed relationship than them just saying "oh well, I got mine so I can just kick my feet up and let things go now". Additionally, I know plenty of men that now walk around sporting guts on double chins since they've been booed up. I think it goes both ways. People get comfortable.

    I'd venture to add that some men encourage this [getting comfortable] for a variety of reasons. My last friend was baffled at my obsession with eating right and working out all the time. He thought I was perfect, I thought there's always room for improvement. He even asked me several times “do you think I’m only dealing with you because of your looks”? Some of the time I spent working out, he wanted to spend with me instead. Go figure. And while he was not a gym rat, he stayed in shape by shooting hoops, renovating his homes, etc.

    When a person is single it’s easy to take whatever “free time” you have outside of work, school, and other obligations to go to the gym. So should you keep up the same pace when you get a man, at the expense of relationship (lack of time spent)? It’s also easier to eat clean when you’re not out to dinner with your man and then bunning up after that meal instead of going to the gym.

  15. I dont thnk gainin weight is always equivalent to fallin off…i've put on a few pounds since college & I'm still fly as a b!tch. Nuthin wrong with bein a lil thick. But I also disagree…one of my exes got complacent and wuld come around me with his gym clothes/lookin whatevr once we got in a relationship. Notice I said he's an ex. Guys can fall off too.

  16. as far as the physical aspect, i know plenty of women who have fallen off after getting in a relationship. i don't know if its a conscious thing or not (at least i hope not). personally, relationship or not i'm not falling off in the physical aspect. i love being in shape and not being out of breath after walking up 3 flights of stairs o_O

    as far as romantic gestures or behavior, i will admit that i've been guilty of falling off in the past and it may have caused problems in my past relationships. this is not an issue that is exclusive to men though. women can fall off dramatically in this department as well.

    i try never to be complacent, because i know that i'm not irreplaceable. so i need to keep doing the same things that i did to get her to keep her.

  17. The examples that you have given are excellent Slim! Men put so much value on the visual as we put value on the emotional aspect of the relationship, married or otherwise. However, rather you are in a relationship or marriage; at some point we are going to always fall off or get complacent in the relationship to some extent. I think its up to you to keep yourself up, not just for your mate but for yourself. And this also applies to being emotionally available as well. But we should keep each other on our toes and not let each other slip. I know its easier said than done especially with folks (ahem…us women folk…lol) being ultra-sensitive sometimes. I just look at it like this; whatever you did to get him/her is what you need to do to keep him/her. Plus if this is a person that makes you happy and you enjoy being around, why wouldn't you want to stay healthy enough or treat them good (supporting the emotional health) to keep them around (I mean keep them alive too) as long as you can?

    *putting on gym clothes right now*

  18. @icebergslimjack: Full disclosure: black straight male who has fallen off previously in both ways. It happens.

    The thing about it is that you must, must find balance in your life. From friends, to the gym, to work, to your significant other and how you treat said person, to what you eat. There must be balance, and that shit is hard to find when you're strewn in all of those directions.

    Men fall off, too. It might just not be you or Seattle Washington, but there's a thing called a beer belly that tends to come into play around the mid-30s.

    On women: yeah, some of them can fall off hard. But it's the same thing … balance … and getting into the gym after you pop out kid Numero Uno … and putting down that damn Chunky Munky … and so much more. But you get my point. Peace, Dame.

  19. @Tam – "I love to look good for myself so it isn’t a problem for me not to fall off physically."

    And this is the core of falling off vs not falling off. If you were working out to get a man, then when you get one, there's a high chance you give up. Work out for YOU. Besides, working out ain't just about looking good, it's also about feeling good.

    Besides, if you don't stop and your man stops puttin' it on you leaves you for whatever reason, you won't have to start again from scratch. 😉

  20. "Nicki Sunshine I concur…..looking good is feeling good for the most part, even if everything ain’t sweet.
    I take too much pride in my appearance and puts in much work just to let everything slide with or without a dude, Stay FLY til you Die is my motto, and like Jigga I keeps it tight nucca LOL …….

    besides I feel when you take proper care of yourself that in turn IS caring for your S/O, spouse……."

    I agree Kwana!!!!!

  21. @TheTahoe: Man, you have a few choices. 1) You can dip out (don't do that). 2) You can break up with her (shouldn't do that either because you shouldn't fall for someone for "they're looks" alone, so you shouldn't dump them for that either).

    3) I think you have to have a real conversation with the person about what you're thinking. Honestly, if you two aren't close enough to ahve that real of a conversation option No. 2 is legitimatized.

    Relationships work because you put in work, communication and love. And if you're not willing to "try" to help work someone through a personal issue like that, you — male or female — should be stricken with an attraction for dogs, cows and toads. I know, that's sick. But you get my point. I hope.

  22. "What is a negro to do once he sees that his lady has “fallen off”?"

    @Tahoe: That is kinda tricky territory.. does it have to do with her appearance?

    If she is gaining weight, suggest u two work out or take a walk together. I would be able to take my truth straight up, but I know some folks are sensitive about this.

    If it's here appearance, maybe if you took her to get a mani or purchase something you'd like her to wear?

  23. @Tahoe: Your question is a great one. I dated a chick a while back who started gettin' tubby on me. I stopped beating, then stopped calling, then we broke up. It was incredibly immature and I'd never do that again…but I think a lot of other men would.

  24. "@Tahoe: Your question is a great one. I dated a chick a while back to start gettin’ tubby on me. I stopped beating, then stopped calling, then we broke up. It was incredibly immature and I’d never do that again…but I think a lot of other men would."

    @slimjack: I think we've all done it for some reason or another. You just have to grow out of it. Unfortunately, some guys — and gals — never do.

  25. this is an interesting post.

    first, i think when it comes to women, especially if it is a new relationship, it's because they are HAPPY. i've read several articles pertaining to this and it's said that a lot of weight gain that goes on with women in relationships just comes from going out to eat more, and when you do go out to eat, you're eating more because you're eating with a man. you can always tell a woman is happy when she's put on a few pounds in the beginning of the relationship.

    on the other hand, i have seen some women who completely just let their beauty fall by the wayside… i mean, some women have effortless beauty, but most… you have to do some ish to keep it tight. lol. you silly for 'f*ck cardio' though. lmao.

  26. IMO…..

    The "tight" gym body is clearly for folks who like to excercise more than I do! Personally, I like to keep expecations low, lol. If you liked me at a size 12 when we first met, you won't be too disappointed when I go up to a size 14 one week out of the month.

    And speaking of body changes……

    Slim, I noticed you mentioned that the responses from the marrieds versus the singles were very different. You're right. When you're committed your girl may not look like a video model. She probably looks like she cooks your meals regularly. Or carried your ungrateful seed for 9 months. Or breastfeeds your child (get used to the "fried egg effect"). With said breastmilk sitting in a sour patch on her sweats. Or wipes your residual poo from the underside of the toilet seat (that is waaaaay gross, btw. and you're welcome.) Either way, you can list a million things that make your woman YOUR woman – things that benefit you but may hurt her workout schedule. Think about that the next time you see a cute, fit, single lady and start reminiscing about how your girl used to look. Your girl was fly, too….before she met YOU!

    Besides, my country azz mama told me that a skinny man is the sign of a poor wife. Thanks, West Virginia.

    Anna N. – aka "The 6 Pack Killa"

  27. @Tahoe.

    You best believe I'm going to make it known that I'm not feeling the physical changes. I'm not going to say it in a mean way. Maybe something like "Baby, I see you're gaining a little weight. Whats say we start going to the gym together?". Its honest and its not too harsh.

    @Anna.

    Lowered expectations? Really? Reminds me of that skit that used to come on MadTv.

  28. I don't want to sound vain but I did dump an ex for "fallin" off when her DDD's started pointing south, it's not like it's her fault I just like perky ones. The rest of her body was on point though.

  29. @ Tunde – yes, boo. Lower your expectations. Makes for a gentler fall to reality.

    @ Kels – What the heck were you expecting with DDD's? If they're that big and still perky they are fake. Here's a thought: take that sad teat off her shoulder and put it in your mouth. Perks 'em right up!

    Ok, I REALLY need to stop listening to the Chronic on my job…

  30. I call bullsh*t thats its rare for men to "Fall off". I know a dude who was 195 lbs. After being in a relationship for a coupla yrs, he was 235, and none of that was muscle. I know at least 2 or 3 other dudes I can say something similar for. So… Slim, you need a plethora of more people.

  31. They were all mid-20s. It happens. Not all men work out regularly, hooping or whatnot. So why's it so impossible for them to fall off, esp when getting home-cooked meals regularly?

  32. Don't they say that a man gaining weight after getting booed up, is a sign that he's happy?

    I know I gained weight when I was married, just regular homecooked meals and beer at (a nice) beckon call.

    I'm sure I fell off in my behavior more so than my fitness level though. Just taking stuff for granted and what not, it happens I suppose.

  33. @ Anna. I refuse to lower my expectations. You would be better off keeping up with what you did to get me in the first place.

    @ Luvvie. I drink (beer, vodka) and I eat a whole lot. Home cooked meals, restaurants and fast food. I'm on the downside of my 20's headed toward 30 and I'm still as fit as I was when I was 18. I just don't think that getting a woman is an excuse to fall off in that department.

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