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SBM Answers: When we need to be even more clear!

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My post Monday (Can I be any clearer?) brought a quick response from a fellow male who is having a recurring issue of being clear just not working (some people are just don’t want to listen).  While my wisdom is deeper than the pacific, I know the collective thought of my great readers is so much greater.  But first … the email

I read this post (Can I be any clearer?) earlier but didn’t get a chance to comment. I am going through this right now. My on and off girlfriend for almost the past year keeps bringing up the marriage thing. I let her know in the beginning that I wasn’t looking to get married and was just looking to enjoy life. I’m only 24. Marriage is just something I don’t think I WANT to deal with; would be too much responsibility for me. If I settle down with someone we would just have to try the co-habitation thing. From the jump I’ve been honest with her about it but she has just been stuck on marriage and is just so distraught over it. So I’ve tried to break it off a couple times but she pulled me back in and admittedly I let her. I do have feelings for her but she seems to be on the stuff the article talks about. I’ve known this, and that’s why I always remind her (bring her back down to earth) when it comes up or as she calls it “hurt my feelings.” I just keep it real.

We just got back together (even though we were never really apart) after a month and a half. I’m stuck and now thinking if I should have because one thing she said was that “I always get what I want” and she is sort of the bitter type so I thinking she is STILL on that. We were trying the friend thing and from my side it was working but I’m starting to figure out that it just can’t work.

I enjoy being in a relationship but at the same time I enjoy my freedom. I like spending time with her and doing things, that’s why I wanted to try the friend thing but I’m starting to think that just may not work. She is too bitter of a person so I would have to cut ties as much as I can.

This article is perfect timing for me and I know she has a case of selective hearing syndrome.

From that brief summary, what is your opinion of the situation?

First I must say you sound like a good upstanding guy.  Your not afraid of being in a relationship, you’ve been with your girl for a year, and you were good enough to be upfront with her about your intentions.

Second, I don’t like her.  You have been dating on and off for a year, and she is already harassing you about marriage.  Your only 24, and while that was the average marrying age 30 years ago, it’s not anymore.  You haven’t even had a full year of a happy relationship bliss, and already she is pressing you to get married?!?!  I don’t think I even need to waste the space explaining all the things that are wrong with this, unless there are some extenuating circumstances I don’t know about (ya’ll have a kid together for example).

In addition, she told you “I always get what I want”!!!  If there is one thing I hate more than Soulja Boy … it’s people with a sense of entitlement.  And the fact that she is “bitter” irks me more.  She sounds like a spoiled individual who is hellbent on getting what she wants.

The sad part about being clear with someone is … they might  not listen to you.  Personally, hold your ground and defend it.  I don’t think it’s ridicuous that your not ready to get married, your happy with being in a relationship with her, and she needs a better reason for ignoring what your telling her then “she always gets what she wants”.  That old school SBM wants to say “dump the b***” … but the new happily bunned up SBM knows the happiness a good woman brings … so I would sit her down and have a real heartfelt and honest talk about it.

If that don’t  work … time for match.com …

Good people, what say you?  What should this poor brother who is being harassed do?  Is his girlfriend right for begging for a ring? What would you do?

Comment(32)

  1. Well Slim, you don't like her and neither do I, lol. This guy does seem like a good guy but I gotta ask is this relationship worth it? If I were in his shoes, the relationship would have been over. Her attitude and persistence is a turn off. There are too many women who are sane and who want to be in a nice relationship. Many of them are also avid listeners. He just seems too young to waste his time in a relationship that will not end well. Just this chicks opinion 🙂

  2. @SBM, "Second, I don’t like her."
    Tell me the truth. Don't beat around the bush. I can take it. LMAO

    I don't know the whole story, but he says that he's "looking to enjoy life." Well, he's not. I say cut your losses. There was obviously a reason you all broke up once, twice before. Listen to your instincts.

  3. I'm more of the mindset of "I don't want to be with anyone that doesn't want to be with me." If I have to force you into it… well then I'm always going to feel like you only did it because of pressure from me or because I forced your hand.. not because you wanted to. And that's not ok.

    At 24, he is still young and wants to experience life. IF she is around the same age, she should too – but some girls (especially if they have a ton of girfriends that are getting married) just want the ring and the status. It doesn't make her a bad person, it just shows her level of immaturity. Which, is another reason that he shouldn't jump.

    I think that he should just man up and tell her what he wants. How he wants their relationship to evolve, how he will not be pressured into marriage or living together, etc. And then – make sure you are using birth control at all times… cause if she doesn't have one already – the baby is next. Sad, but likely true.

  4. Good grief, she's pressuring him to get married at 24? What is that about?

    Since she can't get it through her head, he needs to leave her alone. It's obvious that he's got to be the stronger one here. I don't understand why men (and women) walk into a situation, when it's already been discussed that you are not on the same wavelength. That will only make for disaster and confusion later on.

  5. Yeah, I've been in a lesser situation. Someone wanted to be promoted from jump off to main squeeze and it just wasn't happening.

    She dangled the p– I mean carrots to no avail. The Arctic Pimp says run don't walk.

  6. women want what they cant have. I think 90% of my dates this year came from the fact that I "LOOK" like a man who dosent want to settle down, and im really just a huge black geek who wants to stay home. trust me, any woman , which is more women, who wants the thrill of trying to coax you into something your not… dosent respect you and will also lose intrest just as fast once she has done what she set out to do.

    if we can recall on HNIC's run with miss may. is pretty much the same thing. a woman who was out husband hunting, comes over to me after she sees me talking to a group of women. we date and she hears about my stance life, love and nappiness… then proceded to ignore everything I said and work me until I start talkin like I want to date her and only her and perhaps even move in together in a year or two. ya… she lost intrest. just like most women do when they get what they want. why do you think Dillan got all the chicks on 90210? cuz he didnt give a [email protected]&!

    my advice is, remember the fine black male is a rare thing. there is no woman in the united states that is not replaceable. if this woman dies…. u will love again.
    put the FEAR OF GOD in dat azz and tell her to chill out or get walking papers. if

  7. wait i just read something… dont LEAVE her. never leave good pussy… or ANY pussy for that matter.
    "cut your losses" is not a term a playboy should use.
    alot of relationships work BETTER when you put the woman into a diminished role.
    cut back dont cut off.
    life is long, your tastes will change and so may hers. always keep the pussy in good relations my brotha. the black man is an ambassador not a tyrant. if your good to every woman you bed then that leaves you with alot more options down the line now dosent it.

  8. Well obviously he has a problem listening too! If you've told her you don't want a serious relationship and marriage at your age and she insists, then WHY are you still dealing with her?

    You have just as much responsibility in this as she does. Leave her alone…she has already shown you what she wants and is quite persistant. It will not just go away. There are plenty of women who will meet you where you are instead of constantly pressuring you to consider or do something you're not down with.

    Leave the girl alone already!

  9. yeah I agree [email protected] 24 thats a lil early for marrigae for most people. I think @ that age you just now getting to know who you are as an adult, furthermore after being upfront and letting folk where you stand its kinda insane to keep pressing someone…..sounds like she has deeper issues IMO and just projecting that onto the relationship and dude……

    I say break if off for good cause the longer dude stay in that the uglier it can get and/or just all around resentful etc…..

    Ultimatums and pressing folk to do things they are not ready to do etc just doesn't work

  10. Let me just say this if you are even slightly considering the notion of marrying this psycho. If you are marrying her simply because she’s telling you to, then prepare to live a hellish life of acceding to less palatable demands. You better practice saying, “yes, dear”.

    For the love of collard greens and neckbones, she actually said you WILL marry her because “I always get what I want”! Marriage is about compromise. Why would you, or anyone else for that matter, want to enter a legally binding contract with someone who is forcing you to do so because “I always get what I want”? When you actually get married, you will be doing other things you don’t want to because “I always get what I want”. And when the marriage inevitably falls on rocky times, she will divorce you, take half of your life’s work and children, and get some other sucker because “I always get what I want”.

    You’ve been dating for a year? On and off? I can make a relationship work with almost any woman for less than a year. Most people are relatively nice and try to be amicable, so anyone can get along for less than a year.

    My advice? Drop kick her as fast as you can, as far as you can, as hard as you can.

  11. Shoot, I dont like her either. 1 year of 'lationship is nothing at the age of 24. If it was 4 or 5 yeas and she was 24 pressuring him, then I could see. She seems to be just intrigued with the whole marriage thing so she could change her Facebook status to "married". lol

    But really though. There's so much wrong w/ her outlook on things. Her sense of entitlement, her insistence on something as serious as marriage and her tendency towards being a bitter broad. Homegirl seems kinda selfish.

  12. I say…I would get the effe out of there ASAP because if you don't…some real ish might pop off that you ain't trying to let happen.

    I do love Hasani BUT good p__y comes a dime a [email protected] dozen…

    Keep it moving.

  13. i would agree with many of the commentators above, its best to leave the relationship, cuz clearly the two of you want different things out of life at this moment.

  14. "My advice? Drop kick her as fast as you can, as far as you can, as hard as you can."

    I couldn't have said it better.

    You've talked to her about this already more than you should have. If she hasn't got the point now, how is another honest discussion going to change things. Dude there are so many other understanding women out there, and you need to find one that understands your wants and needs and is on the same page. She may be cool to have around, hang with, good P but there are other chicks just the same that aren't delusional.

  15. I'M NOT BEING PRESSURED INTO BUT IT KEEPS COMING UP AND I GET TIRED OF HEARING IT. WE'VE TALKED ABOUT IT BUT STILL IT KEEPS GOING BACK TO THE SAME. I WON'T CAVED BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S NOT WHAT I WANT AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE. JUST GET TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT IT. WE HAVE FUN TOGETHER AND I ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH HER.

  16. I DIDN'T GIVE EVERY LITTLE DETAIL. SHE KNOWS AND IS UNDERSTANDING, I GUESS SHE IS JUST HOPEFUL IN HER MIND. I HATE TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE SHE IS A BAD PERSON, SHE'S NOT. WE JUST WANT TO DIFFERENT THINGS. JUST DON'T WANT THINGS TO TAKE A TURN FOR THE WORST.

  17. "I enjoy being in a relationship but at the same time I enjoy my freedom."

    Relationship and freedom are mutually exclusive. The two can't exist together. I kid, I kid! Kind of.

    Seriously, though, while I value a lady who voices what she wants or expects out of a relationship from the get go, I don't value a lady who tries to pressure a guy into something he don't wants. Switch the gender roles if necessary; same stance.

    The primary reason why it's good to let a mofo know what you expect out of a relationship is so you know where you two stand. She knows where you two stand at this moment. Thing is, she don't wanna know. Your relationship doesn't sound solid enough as it is to get into marriage RIGHT NOW. I understand her eagerness to get married, but the fact that ya'll have been off and on, your unsureness, and other factors that I don't even know about should make her think twice about wanting to get married. Hopefully getting married ain't just about getting married or "getting what she wants" to her.

  18. @ ITS ME now it sounds like you making excuses, nobody said she was bad per say LOL
    How long do you expect for this relationship to last if you both wnat two diff things???

    …. it will take a turn for the worst when two people want two diff things from one another, how can you stay with someone who wants more than you are willing to give????
    HOw long are you going to stay in this???/ cause ultimately she will say you were leading her on by con't to deal with her, sleep with her etc when you didn't wnat to marry her..this is gonna end badly if you con't down this road with a fork in it LOL…SMH good luck

  19. I agree with the drop (kick) her comments. she needs someone that wants to be on that track, and you need to be with someone that well…isn't. LOL 24 is young, but I remember being that age and thinking I was finna get married too so….eh. clearly it didn't happen, but I thought it would! This sounds like an issue of not leaving because of being too comfortable. Is the poom poom that good that you put up with the same circular conversation going nowhere fast? I see big resentment in the future….

  20. 24 and wanting you to get married after only after a year (of off and on again)? yeah right. Like SBM said, I dislike people who think they are entitled. I will purposely not give you what you have that attitude. I would have been let that broad go. Honestly based on what is written I don't see it getting any better.

  21. @ It's me: you have fun together, enjoy spending time together but you want different things. Sounds like a no match relationship-wise and you two are only meant to be friends. Seriously call it off, distance yourself, starting casually dating not too seriously, and in 4-5 months check in and see if a friendship is still plausible. I'm sure she's a good girl but she's in a mid20s relationship crisis. She may think "I got a good man and I need to hold on to dear life." She has more growing to do to understand that their are other god guys out there. We all fall in love and think that this is the one. Show her that you're not right now and keep it movin. You need to get harsh to bring her back to reality, hurting her feelings maybe the only way… and if you're truly great friends that friendship will still be there.

  22. Well playa i will tell you playa to beware because people that are intent on getting married like that (whether man or woman) are dangerous for a couple of reasons the main ones being they dont care who they marry they are just caught up in the whole allure of it and are not seriously thinking of ever thing that comes with that. All that ends up happening is sometime later down the road that wishey washey person decides "hmmm i really didnt want to be married" even after forcing you to do it and yall end up divorced or cheated on.

  23. I agree wholeheartedly with Jada.

    Don't put it all on the girl.

    This quote right here says it all – "So I’ve tried to break it off a couple times but she pulled me back in and admittedly I let her."

    No one MADE you do anything you didn't already want to do. It sounds like to me you like a bit of the drama.

    If you REALLY didn't want to be with her, you would leave her alone. Period.

    But the fact that you keep going back…you like to be involved in her mess. Simple as that.

    And besides, I am sure that it's flattering to have somebody want you so badly, so I am sure there is a little bit of ego involved too.

  24. Homeboy needs to follow his guts and charge this chick to the game. Her attitude sucks. I would get off the revolving door though. I've always marveled at the way people break up dozens of times over a few years. It's usually final for me.

    "The sad part about being clear with someone is … they might not listen to you. Personally, hold your ground and defend it."

    Good advice, but as someone who goes through this daily, they won't like it and they won't listen, which is your get out of hell free card. Besides…does she have a certain set of skills or will she bring some overwhelming improvement to your life? If not, swipe that card and sign the receipt.

  25. i agree he is only 24, definitely too young right now, and the key is he KNOWS that…he is straight up about wanting to enjoy life and be a young man…but he does seem like a good dude because its not about him wanting to run around and "do him" its more so about him just NOT wanting, as he should be married right now…they BOTH have a lot to learn about themselves before they could even think about marriage…

    i think the only way dude will be clear is to cut it off…he said he likes to hang around her and enjoys her company that's why he tried the friends thing…well you can't be everybody's friend ESPECIALLY if that friend is talking about marriage…

    just because you are two good people doesn't mean you are good together…

    its best to just end it because she doesn't and isn't going to get it…and that pressure only makes for eventually both of you being unhappy

  26. Been there, got the t-shirt.

    SBM is right, you gotta just hold your ground and come to terms with the possibility that you and her may not be together because of your stance.

  27. @Arctic Pimp-Let me think on this until tomorrow.

    @It's me-You have lost your monkey arse mind and every cool point I thought you ever had. This is bullsh*t and you like it…if you didn't like it you would grow up, get some sense however you could and make the madness stop.

    SMH

  28. @It's me

    "WE HAVE FUN TOGETHER AND I ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH HER."

    she is not the only person in the world you can have a good time with…you sound like you are settling because you think you won't find anything as good (or even better) and/or don't wanna start over finding out about someone new… but trust there is someone else you can "have fun and enjoy spending time with"

    Can you not live without her???

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