With each day that passes, I accumulate a bit more wisdom and a bit more knowledge. I also develop a better understanding of myself and how I operate. If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I’d be, I’d have said something about being a grown ass man living in a condo stacking big bucks in some business or computer science role. And if not that, I’d be a lawyer collecting a hefty paycheck and perusing lounges doing what I thought grown folks did. Marriage wasn’t really a thought, but I assumed I’d be dating a very attractive and educated woman who viewed her body as a sanctuary and not a playground.
There was no way that I’d be able to achieve any of these aspiration without going to college. I knew that college was something that I needed to do. I thought that going through my major with a 3.5 GPA and setting myself up for Business School, Law School, or some Computer Science job was what I needed to do. I thought that being a 4 year athlete and being mildly popular was something that I needed to do. What did I want? Free food, new electronics, an appearance at an NCAA national track and field competition, and a colossal magic stick that would become legendary amongst the ladies. Yes, these are all things I wanted. I got a few of them, but I’ll let you figure out which.
At this point, I’m past college. I’m established in the working world. I’m not a lawyer, MBA student, or computer sciences specialist. I hate math and I hate standardized tests. So much for those aspirations and needs from my teen years, but I make decent money according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics and my job is respectable. I had my own apartment for a year, because that’s what I thought I needed to do. I was grown. I needed to have the Bachelor pad in the suburbs so that I could tell people that I was established and doing well. At least, that’s what I thought I needed. I took a chance and switched jobs into a career path that I thought I needed to be in which paid significantly less. Coincidentally, the rent increased as my salary decreased. I wanted to stay in my Bachelor pad, but knew that I needed to move out and get a roommate.
Add in that during this stretch I dated a variety of women that had things I thought that I needed, but they turned out to just be wants. With each woman, I thought I was taking a step up based on my perceived needs. Much to my dismay, each relationship’s end left me feeling like I had taken an increasingly larger step back. I compromised on things that would’ve made me happier in the long term because I thought I didn’t really “need” them at the time. I thought I needed a woman that had a “low” number of sex partners. I thought I needed a woman with a day job, unparalleled confidence, and roughness around the edges. I wasn’t perfectly molded, but I had my sh*t together. She needed to be same. Unfortunately, having one’s sh*t together doesn’t mean they will make a good relationship partner.
Looking back over the last few years, I realized that there have been way too many times where I have confused my needs with wants. Even after senselessly adding stress and strife to my life multiple times over, I still couldn’t tell the difference between what it was I needed versus what I wanted. That was until recently, and I’m still not completely accurate in my assessments. As I grew increasingly dissatisfied with my circumstances, I started to dissect different aspects of my life down to a micro level. I started weighing each action and decision based on how it would affect me in the current and in the future. As I continue to go through this process, I’m realizing that some of the things I really need have been there all along. It just so happened that I previously characterized them as wants in the past. Confused? If so, imagine how I probably feel/felt.
Many folks say they just want to be happy. I personally think it’s more of a need. Otherwise, it’s just a miserable existence and who really wants that? But what do you think? What do you do when you realize you’re confusing a want with a need? Better yet, have you ever met someone and thought they were the total package for you only to realize they were a disaster? Apply this to work, friends, relationships, family, or whatever. Let’s go deep…and pause.
Been there and still doing that…sometimes.
I think we’ve all been there at some point.
Having a stable romantic relationship is something I’m always grappling with as need or want.
Right now I’m dealing with one of these ladies that’s slowly changing my perception once again.
Do I need her? I don’t think I do, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t feel that way on some level.
Professionally I’m realizing that I’m good at what I do, better than I thought I would be, but I don’t think I really like doing it at all. I think I need to choose a different career path, but maybe I just want to.
It’s all so confusing, I’m right there with you bruh.
Thought provoking! I have often thought about what the 16 yo Britt would think of the 26 yo Britt and it's sent me down a similar path. Over the years your needs and wants change, you just have to do what's best for you in the long-run.
I remember when I was a teen maybe, just about to enter college. I used to frequent the BET forums one in particular (can't remember the name), but there was an older guy (late 20's – early 30's) there that posted often. He said one day he took a sheet of paper and folded it in half. As far as a mate, on one side hew wrote what he wanted, on the other he wrote what he needed.
Some time later as he revisited the list, he realized his lady not encompassed all he needed, but all he wanted. So maybe there is something to be said about writing down our wants and needs. For some reason that has stuck with me throughout all these years.
@Jada: I prolly should have made a list…but I'm guessing I would have ended up in the same situation with confused wants and needs. A lot of this stuff really is trial and error.
@Everybody Else:
I know introspective and thought-provoking posts tend to drag/lack on feedback for a variety of reasons, and that's fine. But if you can at all relate, I'd be curious as to what anyone has to say on this topic. I think we need to think about this type of stuff sometimes instead of just sex and tomfoolery…though I like sex and tomfoolery.
I am at the point in my life where I am trying to separate my wants from my needs. It's a process that forces you to take a good look at who you really are, and what you truly want and/or need out of life.
Is it possible to want something so bad that you need it?
I remembr when I was in HS…I wrote a list of what I wanted in a man (why in HS idk lol)…and it was a very long list for sum odd reason….W/i the past yr I made a list of what I needed in a man..and it came out to about 10/11 things..which I think is reasonable. I kno that i am picky but I thnk I have the rite to be. Kind of the sayin if u stand for nuthin u'll fall for anythin (or any triflin negro). My pt is..my list of wants was almost 30 thngs and i've narrowed it down to 10 needs..which I thnk shows progress.
Relationships aside..I've been so immersed in skool (finishin my MS this yr) that I have yet to differentiate my wants and needs in the othr aspects of my life. But bein 25…I need to get on that ball…so this post is def food for thought. When I do start takin a look at this..i predict my wants will be more than my needs bcuz I'm a pretty simple gal.
First let me say that happiness comes in moments, often times for me in the littlest smallest simple things…its not a constant state but contentment IS 🙂
Haven't really came across any total packages on any front LOL but I have ran across a man who complimented me very well on some ol deep metaphysical type cosmic connections/attraction/chemistry…. but alas things in the natural were out of order LMAO
I think if my needs were met, I could tailor the wants ultimaetly…I don't think they are really that far apart
Great post Sir Slim. Happiness is relative. it varies from person to person, and within the same person as per the stage of your life. Depending on where you are, what would have once left you feeling like something was missing, can be just what you need. I experienced this when I started dating this guy that knew from jump wasn't going to last, but he met my needs at the moment. On the flip side, I have been "involved" with a dude that seems to meet what I think are my needs on a more larger, long term level, and I am learning that this is not necessarily the case. In both cases, the line between wants and needs was blurred by what my perception of happiness was for me at the moment.
"Is it possible to want something so bad that you need it?"
Dayum, Slim, Peyso went deeeeep. Pause.
Seriously, though, great question Peyso. I mean, if crackheads can apply this logic, why can't we?
I've often mistakenly considered my wants to be my needs, but not sure if the other way around is as common. Like, I think I need something, but really I just want it. Not sure I ever just wanted something, when actuality I needed it. You making me go in circles and ish, Slim. Stop it!
I can say this, though…I'm beginning to feel like my needs are taking too much priority over my wants. Like, I've accomplished a nice amount of things…graduated college, got a nice paying full-time day job, bought a condo, etc. And I've done all these things despite my wants. I think that's another problem aside from confusing wants and needs. When you put too much of you wants on the backburner for your needs. Some of those things were also things I wanted, but still…
My head hurts.
Very insightful dear Slim… I have in past relationships which I think we all do during that infatuation period, then end up confusing love, lust, and the need to have them in your life when you really just want them around cause you don't want to be alone.
I know what I want AND need in my life. Not necessarily talking about men. Just my life in general. And I think it's because of that (that) many men feel as though I'm not what they want in a woman, who they thought they'd be with, when really I am what they need for whatever reason. This epiphany typically comes a few weeks after the breakup… you don't know or appreciate what you have until it's gone. Many of have this mental long standing vision of who we've always wanted, and many of us are at least 80% wrong.
I think these are the cases when you have to know who you are and what it is you want and need in life before you can even commit yourself to another person.
Identify. Articulate. Execute. Evaluate. Repeat.
I, too, made immature lists of wants, one if which included 57 items for what I "needed" from a man. It included mess like 7. Chocolate…13. speaks 7 languages… 19. Nice feet… 28. 6'3"… 35. Perfect teeth… 47. Been to 4 continents… 53. Sings and acts… Sound ridiculous? I met him (encompassing all 57 items) when a friend introduced us- except he had been to 6 continents, was 6'4", and spoke 9 languages. No lie
It didn't work. He got on my LAST nerve! I believe God brought him into my life to show me the ridiculousness of my desires.
I now categorize my needs by things at the top of my priorities list. Step 1. Identify the goals/desires. 2. Be able to Articulate why it deserves to be my priority. 3. Execute action- move on it! 4. Evaluate if this it right for me. Step 5. Stick only with what I need only as long I need it, release it when I don't and continue to build upon myself.
When we realize that the needs are the only things that matters, the wants fall by the wayside. I implore anybody who desires to understand need vs. want to study Jeremiah, the 29th chapter.
As far as a want of mine: I've long desired a woman with long hair. Since I was six or seven. For the longest time, those types were the majority of the girls I dated because I could. But, at some point, I found myself talking to women with bobs and ear-length hair … because they as individuals piqued my needs in conversations and interests in general.
The want for a woman with long hair is still there, but I'm willing to take the needs in the package that God offers them in.
@Peyso: I was actually thinking the same thing about drug addiction that Cheekie mentioned. Wanting something so bad that it becomes a need sounds like an addiction. That's pretty tough stuff.
Glad to see the dialogue pick up on this one.
@raqi and thismayconcern: you provided some good advice for the masses!
I've found that my needs are really rather basic and kind of generic. Housing, food, water, employment, etc. Most other things seem to fall more in the want category…especially as they get more specific.
Also, society has made it so that most things are a want. You mention this in terms of a gf but would you characterize an SO itself as a "need?" Most of us are able to get along just fine on our own. That said, can you build a list of needs on something that, at its foundation, is a want? I guess. But are you really just building a list of wants, more wants, and most wanted? Dont mind me…just thinking out loud.
Ok, so this is pretty much where I am at as well. I look at a lot of things from different perspectives to see how I should progress. Yet, as I've matured I began to cipher between my wants and needs and it hasn't always been pretty. I agree with others who've created priority list, because it does help to at least get you on the right path. I actually think that this is a part of me learning to be still and patient while growing in wisdom. I wish u all the best!!!
This is very insightful indeed and this is the sort of place that I often go…in my own head, afraid to say them out loud, for fear that folks might color me crazy. But that’s just it. When we define what we want/think we need, by what gradient do we do so? Is it based on what we’re raised to think/believe, what our mamas told us we should aspire to, what our peers are doing? I’m personally at the same crossroads of understanding who I am and how that translates to my desires/wants.
I spent my earlier 20’s buying a house, going to school, securing a good job, paying bills off, holding on to the potential of the relationship I was in, etc. Only to now be in a place where those physical manifestations of success and happiness are less meaningful to me. What’s the point in having a relationship, job, or things that make you appear happy on the outside if you’re lacking it intrinsically. What good is a life if it’s not fulfilling or built on a façade?
I’ve been traveling abroad a lot in the past two years and these explorations alone have challenged everything I thought I wanted/needed. Am I saying to throw it all away? No, I’m reevaluating what’s important to me and being bold enough to pursue those things regardless of how it “looks”. To me this is a sign of growth so embrace these changes and face the questions head on. You’ll be a better person for it in the long run. So whenever what you want/need comes along you’ll be poised to grasp on to it and cherish it.
Lastly I’d share that when you really begin to understand who you are and what you want and need, it’s easier to let people/things go that clearly are not part of that picture. This right there is a freedom like I’ve never experienced, before I got it! I normally don’t do lists, but there might be some value there that I’m missing.
Sorry I went off on a tangent, but this topic is very dear to my heart. This really got my attention. Keep up the thoughtfulness.
Wow. This is very thought-provoking. 10 years ago, I had a plan for my life and knew exactly what I wanted. As soon as I graduated college, that plan went haywire. I didn't stress, though. Rather, I just allowed life to happen. Didn't worry about owning anything, establishing a career. I just drifted. At 25, I decided it was time to stop playing and actually put the work in. I've been going hard since for my career, and as I accomplish each goal, there are 3 more waiting. I have no idea what I want vs what I have vs what I need. As for my love life, ha! I have no idea what I need in regards to it. I should probably try making a list.
At this point in my life I have plenty of wants and few needs. I really don't have a problem with that because I want what i want. I think I'm good at exercising self control. I may want something but I know I don't need it so I don't get it. I know that many things have a time and place in my life, so as long as I'm patient I will eventually get what I want. This deals with station, relationships, material items, etc.
@ Raqi: I totally understand. I met the man that had everything on my list even things that I liked that I didn't know I liked and he still to this day gets on my nerve. So annoying!! We speak occassionally since he's off at law school, but I totally agree, I am no longer picky and take what God sends to me. Never thought I'd date a guy my height but here we are a year later lol. Still have certain standards mostly with behavior and how I expect to be treated (chivalry, compassion, etc.)
Lets be clear we all NEED: food – clothing – shelter. Everything else is extra. Yet we as humans want "more" rememeber in The Matrix they tried to build a "happy app" it crashed. We all grow bored fast just doing the bare minimum. But I do try not to be a "bitch" about my wants which are NOT NEEDS. I love woman in heels but The One makes me happy sans heels no prob. However I do think as a society we now bitch for things that are very small and trite but we make into big things. I wanted to make movies. That never changed-yes I wanted a relationship but a film career is unique but relationships are common and can be had whenever but you dont get too many chances to start a career. So a GF became a "want" a film career became the "need" (and yezzir I am doing my film thing Three Quarters of Face Value on IMDB peep that!!!… I edited the joint). Artist want what most ppl want as well but we want the ART way more than a SUV, or a marriage and the 2.5 kids. So for me that sheet split in half wants/needs-never really changed I have supported myself directly and have shown that I am deadly serious about my film career and what that commands of me is now my "needs". We blurr the line when say chasing a passion but allowing it to share space with our "bullshit" and when that happens…talk about a dream deferred!!!
This one was deep brawh. I too have been really introspective of late (it may have a lot to do with those summers creeping by at what seems like an accelarated pace). I've realized that a lot of the things that I thoughÞ I needed ie the fly apartment and car and trendy clothes aren't that important to me. I haven't made a physical list but as of the end of last year started trimming the fat from my life. This includes 'friends' that added nothing to my life and even one or two family members. I definitely have an end goal in mind and am slowly working on making it a reality. I like your talks on sex and tomfoolery too but most def heart this as real talk!
Humh. I need what I want. I never mastered the art of separating the two.
I know life is full of wants vs needs but I use my time and experience to figure out which is which. At 24, I still have so much to learn. I know that I am not where I said I would or wanted to be 10 years ago, but I am on the path to where I need to be.
I'm happy
Ah, the classic battle between wants and needs. This is a very tricky one, because I can write something down as a need now, and by the time I'm done dissecting it, it would have been reduced to a mere want. It's a highly subjective thing, and always dependent on your frame of mind. For example, when thinking of the future, my first instinct is to inform anyone who cares to know that I need a career that will make me happy and that pays well (I'm talking being able to carry a mortgage for a nice & spacious 4 bedroom house solo if I wanted to). But do I really? Or do I just need a job doing something that I can tolerate day-in, day-out, and that pays enough for me to live comfortably in a nice 1-bedroom condo
until someone comes by and changes my status?When it comes to relationships, certain things are more easily identifiable as needs. Respect, trust, and courtesy are non-negotiable. I do well enough on my own that I have no need (ha) to sacrifice my solitude for any less. I do need someone with a good sense of humor. He doesn't have to be the resident clown, but life is too short to be serious all the time. I need someone who has a sound and viable plan for his future, either solo or with a family in mind. But wait….considering the fact that I'm not yet in a marriage state of mind, is that really a want or need? If there is no guarantee that his future financial status will be of relevance to me, wouldn't it qualify as a mere preference? Couldn't I be just as happy with someone who doesn't necessarily have any set goals for future development, but is presently getting by? But then again, should I be getting into any relationships that don't, at the very least, have that long term potential? So many questions, and it only goes on.