***** Admin Note *****
I got another guest post for ya’ll. Again … all feedback is good feedback … dont’ be afraid to say what you want.
With that being said … I want ya’ll to meet my man Streetz!
Allow me to
reintroduce myself, my name is Streetz! I’m a worldly individual with a New York State of mind. If you ever felt like your life was a movie, sitcom, drama, and documentary, then we share something in common. From my travel stories to the crazy world of sex and dating, I chronicle these crazy, hilarious, controversial, and off the wall experiences to the internets through blogging . I cover my random thoughts and opinions via Streetztalk.net , and my column on sex and relationships at Examiner. I also cohost The NonStopRadio Show, where we talk sh*t about sex, relationships, and everything in between, every Sundays @ 6pm. You can also catch our first episode on demand HERE to check how we roll!
When you enter a relationship, you tend to inherit different aspects of your significant other’s (SO) life: Their hobbies, interests, families, and especially friends. Whether you get along with their friends or you wish those hatin ass birds would flock elsewhere can’t stand them, you have to learn to coexist with those aspects of her life for the relationship. As a single black male (c) SBM, I’ve noticed that in relationships we tend to tolerate/coexist with our SO’s same-sex friends, while having an issue with their opposite-gender amigos. If I had a dollar for every time my homegirl’s BF/Husband/Special Friends had an issue with me, I’d predict more rain in Magic City than meteorologists be rich! Let me tell you a couple of stories to further my point:
Story #1 – So me and this shorty have been cool for a little while (few months). We’re acquaintances, not like a life long friend situation. Anytime we wrote to each other on Myspace, we’d clown one another, use NOA (names of affection – sweetheart, homie, dear, etc.), nothing serious. She sends me a Myspace message to inform me that she’s recently started a new relationship, and her new BF doesn’t appreciate the way I write on her wall, so she asked me to chill on the sweet talk. Mind you, it must’ve just become official 5 minutes before the message because our conversation was flowing same way(both me and her using NOA) up until the prior day! I told her it was all good, as this unfortunately occurs often, and I would hit her with the block/delete/erase Facebook combo chill on writing on her wall.
Story #2 – A good friend of mine got engaged recently. I knew her for years, but never met her boyfriend. She introduced us at a party one day. I showed him mad love, congratulated him, and wished them the best. I’m genuinely happy for them. He seemed receptive, but I would soon learn that he fronted something awful. I got random accounts from our friends concerning this dude using my name in vain. He claimed that I had/have relations with his GF (I didn’t). He claimed that we end up in the same places because we set it up that way and not by coincidence. One of my peoples even told me to stop talking to my homegirl because dude would ice-grill me anytime I speak to her. I didn’t think it was that serious, but I took my people’s advice and chilled, because I have terminal allergic reactions to drama and I want NO individual to Jasmine Sullivan my car!
I’ve asked my close lady friends on many occasions whether they thought I gave off a player/home-wrecker aura, because it baffled me how consistent this occurred. From speaking with them, and through my observations, I’ve determined 5 reasons why this may happen to single dudes, or dudes in general, when faced with this situation:
She told him SOMETHING – I don’t know what she said to her BF, but your home girl told her boyfriend something about you that makes him think of you as a threat. She may have dreamt about you, praised a recent accomplishment, or commented on your popularity with the ladies. Either way, she said something to make him wonder. One of my friends had an ex who years before they got together, told her boyfriend that she only found one person attractive on our yard: Him. This set off a chain of events that led to a break-up and my dude ending up as boyfriend #1.
She hangs with male friends often – Many guys can’t understand how women can have boyfriends, and still chill with guys. We feel that a woman’s boyfriend should suffice for all needs, whether it’s recreational, sexual, intellectual, or spiritual. We don’t want to hang with our SOs 24/7, but that doesn’t mean we want other men (friends or otherwise) to hang with our shorties either! If anytime you want to go out with your girl, and she replies “oh not today I have boxing with ______” or “Me and _______ are doing lunch today. Next time boo!”, this will eventually start raising red flags, and these calls, once reviewed, are sure to be overturn!
Prior history – Many platonic friendships between men and women birth from an attraction from one or both parties. You may have tried to holla, and it didn’t work out, so you gladly accept the friendship zone. You could develop relationships from having friends in common. You could’ve even messed around once. Either way, prior history of attraction holds the same weight as Rockefeller drug laws and it makes her friend guilty until proven innocent. Women love to use the phrase “I used to like him but he’s my friend now”, and act like that’s normal! The friendship zone is like the speeding limit: Yea it’s a rule to follow, but 75% of people speed anyway, switch lanes without signaling, and slow down when they see police. They don’t do this maliciously, they do it because it’s normal through culture. Pushing the envelope on a friendship based on attraction is normal human interaction, but remember that the difference between 65 and 100 mph is 2-5 seconds, so drive safe. Watch out for those STUPID speeding traffic lights too (I’m looking at YOU Connecticut Ave and Montgomery County, MD!)
She confides in the friend – Men hate when their girlfriends have male friends in which they confided. They feel like dudes can’t objectively critique situations without some type of plan to eventually hit off their chick! They also fear that dudes will tell their women friends when their man is full of it, and all the so-called secrets *cough Steve Harvey cough* Men also feel like their GF’s shouldn’t converse about their problems with another dude, especially if the man knows him, because it’s inappropriate. Yes, they may have female friends advising also, “so what”? Men for the most part will recognize that they have these male friends, but men will always keep an eye on the situation just in case.
At the end of the day, I respect relationships and I try not to step on toes. I don’t disrespect my female friends or their boyfriends, and I remain mindful of my words and actions, and the perceptions they may carry. It’s tough to take all those precautions and still have dudes claim that I’m no good. I can’t live my life for others, or in fear of what my every move will mean to the next man’s situation. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to fear. Fear leads to insecurity, and insecurity can push your SO right into the hands of another dude (but that’s a different blog!).
Ladies, am I right? Fellas, are women worse in this position? Is the man justified to have her friends cut off her male friends? Am I just a closet dirt bag that needs to have no friends with vaginas? Let’s speak on it!