Home Dating & Relationships Men's Relationship Advice “I ain’t going out like that.” Really? Yes, you are.

“I ain’t going out like that.” Really? Yes, you are.

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The Senator: I didn’t want to say her name because she had heard so many females’ names over the weekend I didn’t want her to get concerned.

Dr. J: You should have told her it was just a friend.
The Senator: You know that is not going to work.
Dr. J: What did I say? Break every rule. You say, that’s my friend, and if she asks, what friend? Just say, “Oh this is just some b*tch I used to f*ck.” And if she gets upset, let her know, “Well then, don’t ask me no questions!” Infrastructure! It’s all about infrastructure. How you build your relationship will determine everything and real men can’t have women asking them questions.
And I mean this with the utmost respect to the women; Fellas, you have got to learn how to tell these women to shut up and sit they ass down somewhere. If you don’t, you’ll let them run around you and get away with anything. Manage the “Expect Sh*t” factor, homie.
Here’s how you should handle some situations that WILL happen in your relationship:
Under no circumstances do you let these women tell you about something that’s going on with one of their friends’ relationships. (And always ignore comments from her jealous, no man having friends.) Nip this in the bud, quickly. Do not even let your women feel comfortable to come to you and say something like, “Chrissy said that her man and her spend at least one whole day a weekend together. Why you always running to the club with your boys and watching football on Sunday?” If he’s got his ish together, he’ll say, “Wait… since when did I start dating Chrissy?” And you know what she’ll do, she’ll sit her ass down somewhere and have a coke.
You have to let her know you’re a man, not a boy or her son. Do not let women just come out they face any old type of way to you. Set her straight, let her know the pace, and her role. Perfect example of how women will overstep the boundaries; when you are having discourse over the phone and she’s in the car with her friends and now she want to act all big and in-charge, as though she is the boss. Hang up the phone and when her friends drop her off at y’all place, make sure all of her belongings are placed neatly in a box by the front door. Do not answer your phone or door. I bet, she’ll think twice before stepping out of line again.
Be yourself in the bedroom. There are several women who will tell you that they will not stay with a man who is wack in bed. If there weren’t women consistently sleeping with these guys, they wouldn’t be found out. They say, he’s wack in bed, but they have feelings for the guy. Fellas, exploit that weakness. After all, you need to be in tune with your own body. Make sure she understands that you both had the same amount of time to reach the same goal. If she can’t keep up, that’s a personal problem.
My boy got caught cheating on his girl, so his girl, decided to take him back, but she asked for all his passwords; email, AIM, facebook, and voicemail. Now he has no privacy as a contingency of her taking him back. And I thought, shoot tell her that she’s already decided to take you back, you apologize and it won’t happen again, but all that other nonsense, she can go ‘head. Real talk, more times than most people think, when someone cheats they usually work it out. People talk trash like if someone cheats they out right away. Wrong again! Most people work it out.
Excerpt from Baby Boy, truncated:
Yvette: You get with any of them girls you sell dresses to?
Jody: A few. Feel better now? I love you, girl. You got my son and you’ll probably be my wife. You’re my woman. Them other hos is tricks. I make love to you, I want to be with you, but I f*ck other females occasionally. I don’t know why, I just do. That’s the situation. You feel better now? That’s some honesty for you. Deal with it. I love you enough to be honest.
Yvette: If you loved me, you wouldn’t lie to me all the time.
Jody: Move! Hold on. You got it all twisted up! I lie ’cause I do love you. Being honest would mean I don’t give a f*ck.
Sometimes, you have to be a bit of a jerk. But you have to do that, show them who’s boss. Even if you are 100% and unequivocally WRONG. Like take for example, Chrissy and her man do spend one day a weekend together. It would be quite ridiculous if you couldn’t manage to do that. But if you get called on it, do not worry that you are just absolutely wrong, just tell her to sit down and shut up. After all, she’s not going anywhere.
Always 100,
Dr. J

Comment(48)

  1. Dr. J u straight trippin. Im all for setting standards and knowing your role in your relationship, but upholding some bullsh*t just to stroke a mans ego is never a good idea. I wish my man would try and pull that Jody speech on me, I (Ziggy) aint NEVER goin out like that!

  2. I'm looking forward to the feedback on this post today.lol. I will be lurking in the shadows ready to save you should the people start chanting for your head on a stick.

  3. This is funny, interesting, and sad at the same time. There are men who live by these rules. They are typically fortunate enough to run into women who are dumb enough to go for it all. Humh. Like attracts like.

  4. This post had me literally "laughing out loud" … i am in agreement with Ziggy and Hostess. Sounds to me like this is just a bunch of tom foolery.

  5. lmaooo This is a great post UP TOP Dr. J! lol Granted some of the ish you said is just that laughable but I think there is some definite wisdom to it. I like a man who isn't afraid to put me in my place sometimes. I won't front sometimes we women do need to be told shut up. Maybe not as eloquently as he may have stated but there is no need to go to your man telling him who and what ur friends man is doing for her.

    Also that give me all your passwords ish is ridiculous. If you make the choice to get back with someone then yes they must earn back your trust but when you go LOOKING for something you will ALWAYS find someone. U took the fool back which implies it is forgiven it makes no sense to live a relationship life still fighting past battles.. That ish LOOKS exhausting…

    Lastly I'm sure Dr. J could of thought of a far less extreme plan for reminding homegirl stuff out on the street. Even hanging up the phone. Thats a bit much

  6. number one

    Just cause her friends don't have a man don't mean they jealous of your relationship…Most of my people have fucked up relationships…COMPLETELY nothing to be jealous over. Any comments she may make is just to boost her girl and have her back..not jealousy (I experienced this and it burns me up inside )

    number 2…you are right, you shouldn't compare your relationship to the next. I learned from this too, they got some shit with them that aint right ….the grass is not greener. What works for them may not work for you. I like that "since when was I dating chrissy" comment…good one.

    number 3…that phone thing..GOOD IDEA. Its NEVER CUTE to talk all out the side of your neck to your man in front of his friends (and likewise cause I seen men straight down their women in front of people). Its about respect. Put her shit outside, bet she will stfu then.

    Number 4…that selfish in the bed shit with men is wack and makes you wack in bed. Period. Just like men hate women that are "dead fish"…we hate that "im only worried about my nut" men. I also think its gay when a man doesnt want to please the woman …wtf…dont you get off on that..if you dont..you gay. Some other woman may like short short men. Move on if yall satisfying eachother.

    Number 5…if you got to go thru someone's email and voicemail and shit, yall shouldn't be together..PERIOD..MOVE ON (true story with me). I also agree that most people make up after cheating. most women bullshit when they say "i would never ever ever ever EVER take him back" I laugh at that…cause its SOOO not true half the time.

    The last statement about her not going no where and telling her to sit down and shut up…see

    THATS THE PROBLEM WOMEN…We allow the shit to slide..and they will KEEP DOING IT. I was in a 4 year long relationship cause I allowed him to tell me to sit down and shut up, he left several times only for me to call him back and all that. HE did that CAUSE I LET HIM. I finally let his ass go this time….I called his bluff and I couldn't be happier. NO MORE DRAMA. I was dumb enough to fall for the okey doke..but its all good now

    Teeth Harvey even said something like that in his book.

    So DR. J aint wrong..some women do allow too much just to say "I HAVE A MAN"

    Eff that..Its a new day for me..I'm sooo done with that crap.

  7. This post is ridiculous. There is some truth to what you are saying with comparing relationships, but I think you went a bit overboard. Any woman who would tolerate that type of nonsense from a man is a fool.

    As for the hanging up on someone, I know for myself, anyone who hangs up on me ever can bank on the fact that we will never be speaking again. The only reason I would be showing up to your house would be to get my stuff and that would be the last time you saw me. I am speaking from my past actions, not just things that "I would do if."

  8. @ true: I went through similar stuff with a dude too and yeah, I was dump, stupid, and young! But as I eluded to in my first comment, if a man has surrounded himself by dumb women, he's probably dumb too. The one who had me 'spent' he was older. He couldn't be with anyone his age with his same level of experience. What's the saying? Water rises to it's level? You can't be too smart if you're running game on the young and dumb.

  9. I have so many mixed feelings about this one. I agree with most of it, but i am still type annoyed that the chicks name in the example, is chrissy. ahahhahahaha

    but still wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. females are not dogs that need to be told to sit down and shut up. she can voice any opinion she feels and if her man isn't going to listen to what she has to say, then he's not really a man to begin with. maybe i read this one wrong…going to read it again to give you the benefit of the doubt 😉

  10. When it comes to your relationship with your significant other, neither party should be telling one another to "sit down&shut-up". That is just disrespectful, and TRUE was correct in saying that we as women allow this "shit to slide". I am a firm believer that someone is only going to treat you how you allow them too.

  11. Following Slim's role … I think I'm gonna fall back and lurk for today (in addition to the fact I am flying to Chicago).

    I will definitely be reading the comments though … props to Dr. J for this conversation starter.

  12. I do wanna give ya mad props, Dr. J, for invoking convo with your posts. You never fail to bring the thought-provoking.

    @Ziggy – "Dr. J u straight trippin. Im all for setting standards and knowing your role in your relationship, but upholding some bullsh*t just to stroke a mans ego is never a good idea. I wish my man would try and pull that Jody speech on me, I (Ziggy) aint NEVER goin out like that!"

    Word. Dr J., you're talking about men being men and all that, but don't tell these mofos to do so at the risk of assuming their women are morons. That Jody speech was full of so much bull it was a porterhouse. "If I didn't give a F*ck, I'd be honest". The EFF kinda ass-backwards logic is THAT?! If you're not willing to be faithful to the woman you claim to be in a relationship with, then don't GET into one. That's the effing point for the distinction between single and "in a relationship". If you want to swing your Parker House Sausage all around town then own up to it and keep it pimpin' and single instead of trying to have a sidepiece you dishonestly call your boo on the backburner. THAT, is being a man. Not this B.S. ego-tripping superficial ish ya'll are trying to pass off as being a man.

    I'll be honest, it does make a woman flow when a man takes charge. But don't get it twisted, that doesn't mean he's "in charge". If you want a real woman, she won't be this "Yessa masta" type chick who shuts up everytime you challenge her. Sure in some circumstances, you saying "Shut the hell up and sit your silly ass down" might make her want to jump your bones, but please believe, nine times outta ten, she was probably horny all day anyway.

    Bottom line, you don't have to stop a woman from being a woman or disrespect her by "putting her in her place" just to be a man. And if you're a real one, you won't have to nor want to.

    On a lighter note: LMAO @ Slim and SBM falling back and watching this blog implode. Have fun in the Chi, SBM! I'm sure you'll love my city!

  13. My favorite line – If he’s got his ish together, he’ll say, “Wait… since when did I start dating Chrissy?” And you know what she’ll do, she’ll sit her ass down somewhere and have a coke. STOP!!!!

  14. @HOSTESS

    You right about the dumb stuff…my ex is DUMB and insecure..he needs someone he can "control". he even said "my next girl gon have low self esteem"

    WTF

    lmao

    Hi five to us not being "dumb" no more

    I wasn't so young at the time tho lol

  15. My apologies, the boss man had me in a meeting most of the morning. Hello World.

    @Hostess: It's important that men be consistent to be successful. Some women like guys who are assholes. But they don't like nice guys who try to be assholes. Always keep it 100.
    @Kwana in DC: I keep scanning the comments trying to verify that you really didn't have any words. *Patting myself on the back*
    @true: Church, Preach, TABERNACLE
    @Crissie*: "they say a b, is a female dog. and a dog is a man's best friend" – dwayne michael carter aka lil' wayne
    @Chan: I could write an entire post on when a guy/girl says one thing, but means another. It doesn't have to be sit down and shut up, but he could simply say, "No" and mean the exact same thing.
    @Cheekie and Global Comment: Do not underestimate the lengths that women will go though to say they have a man.

    Also, who looks better a woman who knows her man is cheating or a woman who doesn't know.

    To reiterate, I think that it's key that a man's actions are inherent and not deliberate. I mean, it's one thing if you are taking these actions because you're reading this blog like a instructions manual. It's another if it's a natural reaction.

    looking forward to more comments. mind you, i'm running in between the cotton fields sneaking to the quarters to reply, so i may be delayed.

  16. Dr. J – you are truly a sh*t starter! Gentlemen, please feel free to follow J's advice to the letter. Just be prepared for the following:

    – a d**k dry as the Sahara
    – poorly prepared food
    – possible food poisoning
    – increased number of chicken heads in your life
    – a midnight bath in hot grits
    – passive aggressive nonsense from your woman
    – a not too pleasant visit from your girl's cuzin Tiny (the 6'7" 300lb ex-con.) Or her country azz dad with his shotgun.
    – Dexter St. Jock to "console" your girl with his smooth respectful ways, sweet tongue and trouser anaconda
    – Your woman to pray out loud, nightly, to Lorena Bobbitt

    Treat your woman like the Queen that she is – and she will be happy to treat you as her King. Anything less might get you hurt.

    (Doing my best Vanessa Bell Calloway) "Whatever you like…."

  17. I think some of the stuff dr j posted is misunderstood

    I basically think he telling men to stop being simps to some of the BS stunts women pull to show power

    *shrugs*

    maybe si, maybe no

  18. I'm not a fan of tellin someone to shut up, b/c I know how I respond. Sayin that, I co-sign comparing relationships. I'm me, you don't like, you can leave and I do mean that.

    As a man, for reason, you have to heat check your woman. I don't even understand it myself. I'm too grown for non-sense. I have and can Eff up all by myself.

  19. So … I will admit that at its core … there is some truth here. This post strictly applies to the male readers (obviously) and is preaching of not being a soft ass simp … and being the president of the anti-simp movement I respect that.

    But damn dawg … these steps are libel to get a ninja cut effin around with the wrong chic.

  20. I agree with the checking. Especially with black women. We can be down right disrespectful at times..

    that shit is annoying

    I remember hitting my ex with an object…the next day he checked me (naw he aint hit me..but he checked me) I never touched him again nor come out my mouth.

  21. @ SBM and Slim

    Ditto, lololol

    I think this post is spot on, in an extreme kind of way. I experienced exes who tried to exploit me with some of this ish when she had the upper hand (threatenend to leave, so I had to be on my ps and qs), and in either case it aint cool!

  22. In short this is bullshit and clearly you deal with birds, young chicks, or women with self esteem issues. A woman with her sh*t together wouldn't tolerate such behavior.

    -ok wait one valid point. don't allow other ppls B-S in your relationship

  23. Oh yeah, forgot to add that I co-sign the "keep someone's relationship over there" general consensus. It's their relationship for a reason.

    "Do not underestimate the lengths that women will go though to say they have a man."

    Oh, trust, I know exactly what you're talking about. But you also shouldn't underestimate the neck-rollin power of a woman. I mean, do you really know that many sistas out there who would "sit down a drink a coke" after a man steps outta line with a smartass comment? I mean, they're out there, but I'm talking ratios here. And I'm sure her speaking up for herself would lead less to her not having a man and more to angry thronxing. I'll refer to your own example of Baby Boy for that one. 😉

    *DEAD* @ "Teeth Harvey".

  24. @ Dr.J – "who looks better a woman who knows her man is cheating or a woman who doesn’t know."

    uhhh neither one is a good look, the women who is not being cheated on looks the best. If your options are the only ones available, I'll pass.

    I think the essence of your post applies to both men and women. The same way a man wants to be treated like a man and sometimes has to put in women in her place (respectfully)…. women also have to do the same. My man could never say to me "real men can’t have women asking them questions"….. my Jamaican roots would definitely be exposed!

  25. You know…when I put my foot down I don't know how much respect I get…I sure do get called an azzhole though. Which is fine since that's what most people flock to.

    One of my biggest pet peeves is the talking out the side of the neck. That was what caused my last little stint to go downhill and it's pretty much an area that I don't tolerate. I haven't gotten to the STFU phase and usually don't have to (read: they usually get cut off before they irritate me to a fault).

    The only thing that I can strongly remark on is that fact that women test men and often getting them STFU is a weird power move that lets them know that "ooh, he's a man with a skrong personalilty and shyt." Such a game…such a waste of time but apparently…that's the nature of shyt.

  26. On the one hand…women don't like simps, either. Man up and let your woman know when she is totally out of line.

    On the other hand…telling ANYONE in a relationship to STFU is NOT COOL. Don't be mad when you get hot gritted.

    But really…if a chick is that disrespectful just dump her. She'll get the point (eventually) once she has some extended time (decade) by herself to "think it over". Chickenheads, as a rule, aren't trainable.

    Maybe you could…find a woman with an ounce of home training, and avoid cluckers. And really try to find a woman who respects herself. If Boomsheeshee doesn't mind looking a dayum fool by trying to run you and talkin greazy she will do it. Errry.Time.

  27. @ CPT – I hate that testing stuff. You try to walk away, some women will follow you around the house until they force some type of reaction.

    Women why is it wrong to not react and right to provoke a man to illicit a reaction. Not to go the Chrihanna route but if u hit a dude, stand in his face, and go on and on for an hour..even when he tries to diffuse, walk away etc, what do you think will happen?

    That goes for men too visay versay

  28. @ Anna N.: My thoughts exactly.

    This scenario is just some nonsense. If she will allow you to disrespect her, then she is probably going to keep disrespecting you. Both of you will just be arguing together for as long as you stay together. It seems miserable and dysfunctional.

  29. I'm a bit old fashioned and love it when a man can still be a man and is not intimidated by all this independent woman bs… but dude yo ass is trippin. If my dude told me to shut-up that would be a chop to the jugular, can't control the reflexes. you obviously have no respect for you girl no matter what she's squawking about cause these are obviously chicken heads that are taking this foolishness.

    alrighty, i need to finish the cheddar buttered biscuit, yummy.

  30. there are ways to tell your woman to shut up without saying shut up lol

    You could stop talking all together.

    You could say "okay"

    You could turn the music up over her.

    You could simply say "who are you talkin to like that" and give her that look

    You could say "why are you hollering, i'm right here"

    If in the car, you could pull over and just park the car and look at her until she feels stupid

    (sidenote, i dont know if these work im just thowing some shit out there)

  31. i've never posted a comment before although i've been a long time reader.
    this hit a bad chord. and all i have to say is "no bueno" :-/

  32. i'm with streetz. i agree with the post even though its a little extreme (especially with the one talking about putting her stuff in a box). women don't want a man who is a pushover. women like backbone and not a "yes man".

    even though the post is extreme i do agree with the overall point of it. *shrugs*

  33. I am right on with "TRUE" and the statements in the different ways you can tell someone to “shut-up” without saying the actual phrase.

    In essence, I have no problem with my man putting his foot down and me being submissive to him. I absolutely LOVE it, but it is a way it should go about being done. Telling me to "shut-up" would probably get you a cussing or two, and def. a no-no is putting your hands upon me. Dr.J your post is absolutely hilarious, but I would hope this is not how you deem to keep a respectable woman around, one who holds high esteem for herself. In ending before I get back to class ; ), I totally agree about not bringing someone else’s relationship into yours, hell… sometimes you never know what’s really going on. I like to play by the rule of not allowing disagreements the mister and I have, be seen in public. I could be MAD as hell at that mofo, but nobody would know. In public he will be treated as if he is the greatest, and his sh!t don't stink at no time, but once home it may be a different story.

    hope everyone is having a good day!

  34. Whew *outting my glasses back on from them falling off as I fainted from the post and the comments* Okay, I agree with most of this post. The words were somewhat harsh but very real and honest, just how I want the man in my life to be. I want a man I can communicate with, not a man that I can have girl talk with. I shouldn't be comparing what someone elses man is doing for another chick anyway. I, of all people, should know what my man will and won't do as far as romancing me is concerned. Furthermore, that mentality of "her man does -fill in the blank- why don't you" will eventually leave many chicks single or cheated on.

    I agree 100000% with the "let her know you are a man, not a boy" statement. If you let some females (I am one myself) have you out here like stepping fetchit giving you orders and talking at you and not to you like a child, they will. A lot of women are into scheming, plotting and planning to change and mold a man into what they want them to be; that they completely ignore the fact that they are dealing with a grown man…well until, they get left or cheated on or verbally assaulted. Not to say that a woman brings this on themselves but it can be a factor in things like this happening. Ultimately, this is why like he said, you got to let them know who they are dealing with. This goes for men and women in my opinion.

    As far as being who you are in the bedroom…too many woman keep quiet about their dissatisfaction in the bedroom. At the end of the day, closed mouths do not get fed. The more woman stay reluctant to tell a man about the sorry dick he is slinging, the more this epidemic will continue to spread like wildfire. Therefore, you deserve a "O"-less sex life.

    As for the last one regarding cheating and giving up all your privacy…under no circumstances should one be forced to give up passwords, locker combinations and an all access pass to their lives because they cheated. If you forgive a person, act like it! If you can't get over it or you are going to hold a grudge, move on.

    I don't think a guy has to be a jerk but the underlying message I got from this post is not to lose yourself in a relationship because you are boo-ed up. If you let someone run over you, talk to you like a child and make you pay for a mistake forever, then you have definitely lost yourself.

  35. I have no issue with being submissive. I look forward to having a man in my life that is worthy of me being submissive to. He has to earn that right. And once he does, he'll love me for it!

  36. I want to comment, but I feel like the comments have been presented and agreed upon by those who will agree upon them. I appreciate a woman who is submissive, but I by no means was trying to say you want a woman with no backbone. More like, don't let your woman run you and have you on the hamster wheel. Nothing beats a man who has his hands up all the time baffled by how his woman is barking on him. His boys have to see that and they are like damn homie, what the f happened you?!

    As always, I appreciate the love and the comments. Thanks.

  37. LMAO… this post was hilarious. yes, a bit unrealistic, but funny nonetheless.

    in theory it may sound good, but in practice, i'm pretty sure it's not going to work (maybe on some chicks who can't do any better).

    as much as i want the man to be tough and in control, there's no way in hell that i would allow him to degrade me in the way you suggest. first off, i only date men who i wouldn't intentionally try to piss them off just to "test" them… i'd be scared to go there. however, if i do get brave one day, he SHOULD put me in my place when i get reckless… meaning, in the most calm and rational way say, "V, let's think about this for a second…" and explain why my behavior is irrational and out of line. that alone would make me be like, "yeah boo, you're right" or "let's just agree to disagree on this one" and stfu.

  38. Respect is a two-way street. No man should have to feel bogged down and emasculated in a relationship and no woman (who is honest with herself) likes that shit anyway. Who the hell wants some pussified AMEN choir? Personally, I like dominance in my men. So yeah, women do need to shut the fuck up sometimes…especially when some try to act out in front of his or her friends. It's annoying and unnecessary. Sorry, I've seen ex homegirls of mine do this stuff and it's soooo not cool.

    On the other side of the street, however, is letting your man get away with stupid stuff. Men will try to get away with ANYTHING if you let them. Women, please don't feel like you have to constantly foam at the mouth, always checking phone numbers, playing all these reindeer games, wearing a permanent WTF face because your man doesn't respect you.

    Instead, stop being a punk ass, drop the infatuation and L E A V E! If it takes you having to play yourself at every turn, just for him to respect and be considerate of you the way you are (or should be) considerate of him, he really isn't worth your time.

    No guy has EVER caught me tripping over e-mails or Facebook stalking him– not because I didn't care, but because I love myself AND life too much to ruin it by having to stress myself out everyday over silly mess.

    Methinks people have been in fucked up, drama filled relationships for so long that we think that's the way it's supposed to be.

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