Home Dating & Relationships Sex BPR – The Bad P Report

BPR – The Bad P Report

43

**** Admin Note *****
SBM.net is now a subsriber to skribit. What does that mean? Well, there is a little bar on the left side of the page that you can suggest a topic for one of the writers, and you can vote on topics that have already been suggested. We’ll see how this goes, but because this site will always be one run by the readers, its time ya’ll had a say besides filling up my email box (which is still open to everybody)!

Oh … and don’t forget the poll!

– SBM aka The Management
***************************

For year’s I’ve heard of the infamous “Bad D*ck Report”. The assessment that women provide friends upon inquiry of a gentleman in which their friend holds interest. Men have feared getting this report, even more than appearing on dontdatehimgirl.com. An appearance on this list mean that women deem you bedroom incompetent. No matter your success level, personality, or character, women will steer clear of you, they will tell a friend to tell a friend, and the BDR will Ja-Rule your dating career. Well, men, I say “no more”! It’s time women know that we have similar reports on their sexual prowess. Allow me to introduce the BPR – The Bad P*&^y Report. Ladies, the following issues will earn you a spot on this infamous list:

Loose P – If I can scream inside your vagina and hear echoes that reverberate like Diddy adlibs, you officially have Loose P. I’m talking that chocha that has me scared when I enter a woman because I think I lost my strombone in there! That P that archaeologist go spelunking inside to find lost treasures and civilizations. Dudes will list this as a primary offense on a BPR. Loose P may denote an egregiously high number of partners, excessive frequency of sex, or she’s like 20-30 years your senior, but that’s NASTY another blog. Men won’t get theirs inside a rabbit hole like that, and will advise their peoples to steer clear! This differs from the warm, squishy goodness of wet P, which feels like vaginal Nirvana. Women who have this blessing, I love you, unconditionally.

See Also:  Should Women Carry Condoms

Crazy P – This one poses an interesting conundrum. Crazy P can be either the biggest mistake you ever make, or greatest sex you ever have. I can’t prove scientifically the correlation between weirdness, genuine stalker-esque qualities, and clinical insanity, with excellent sexual performance, but men have known for years that crazy chicks can put it on you! When you see a dude who stays in relationships where shorty hacks his accounts, busts windows out his car, fights chicks who smile wrong at their man, and whose threatened his life, blame it on the pum pum. For all of that woman’s crazy sh*t and psychotic nature “quirks”, she can suck a good d*ck and can hook a steak up (c) B.I.G.probably blows his mind in the bedroom! I personally can’t do crazy women. I value my life and well being too much, but for dudes who walk on the wild side, consider this a red flag and proceed with caution!

Smelly Cat:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETQfuzNGT58]

When talking about the Pum Pum, I offer no leniency for inexcusable odors. Yes I understand that certain situations (sex after a party or after a long day) could produce natural odors like sweat. That’s cool. Lord knows women deal with our smells. However, the LAST thing I want to smell when I work my way to the promised land is the South Street Seaport! One young lady’s odor hit me like a right cross from Mike Tyson and a sledgehammer shot to the skull by HHH , but I still hit anyway! I understand that your vagina’s aren’t odorless, but it’s rude, inconsiderate, and unsanitary to walk around with smelly cat!

See Also:  How To Tell If A Man Is Bad In Bed Using Social Media

Brain Damage – Bad head should be a felony crime in the continental United States. I don’t ask for head, but if you offer, I expect excellent customer service. Women will destroy a dude for improper cunnilingual intercourse, so the standards must be equal! This one time, at band camp , the head was so bad that I watched an entire quarter of a Knicks game, while dropping the usual “mmm that feels good”,ย  “oooh”, and “go slower/faster”. I actually had a paper due and tried to devise a way to type while she wasted her time. Ladies, you can’t give Skydome if the roof is leaking, nor can you drop knowledge if you’re stupid. It’s A-OK if you don’t want to do it, but a personal foul if you’re terrible.

Lame Duck – We exchange numbers, facebook pages, and IM contacts. We text and talk for a few days. She tells me how she will break me in two, rock my world, and have me begging for mercy. I get her into the bedroom, and give her a chance to put my D her money where her mouth is, and what do I get? The lame duck. If I could get more sensation from humping the bed than I can from her, then itโ€™s time to call it quits. Now, I’m not asking for women to fake it, or act out their favorite porn scenes ..unless you gonna do it, but is it asking too much for an interactive experience? Dudes will expose chicks who just lay there and do nothing. No screaming, moaning, or movement. If you have to look down to see if shorty is still alive, then she’s lame and needs to get reported!

See Also:  You Want Me to Do What?!

Women, I already know you will claim that dude delivered the Limp Bizkit to these women, but we must admit that some of y’all, whether you’re shy, scared, or just have a bland personality, just don’t convey sexual pleasure to a man well. If you give the dude verbal, and nonverbal signals on how he’s doing, you can get a 10 times better experience. We drive the whip, so become our GPS and we’ll come to our destination accurately and safely, without fear of misdirection.

Bad sex should be a crime punishable by Water Boarding (No Bush/Condi/Cheney) or Canning (No Singapore Justice). Let’s work towards reporting these offenders and making the Streetz safe for the sexually law abiding citizens of this great nation (no Nahright). Fellas, did I leave anything out? Ladies, are any of these claims unfair? Let me know (No Killa!)

Comment(43)

  1. LMAO this is funny.

    where's Dr J and his carfax report?? I think some of this is included in that…

  2. The Bad D*ck Report is one of the areas where I think the double standard actually works in reverse. With the exception of dirty and stinky coot, most the dudes I know would go in on the chick anyway if she's even slightly attractive (thus meeting standards). This post is a good strike back…and it almost caused Quakers Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal to be all over my keyboard.

  3. @100% Redbone: Things I have heard are using teeth, being lackluster about it (acting like you really don't want to do it), dry mouth, complaining the entire time.

  4. Crazy chicks always have the best coochala…but you can only take that in very small doses. Very small. Trust me…

    Brain Damage seldom happens but it is a reality.

    Pretty spot on list there, I say, my good fellow.

  5. @100% Redbone

    From the Player's Handbook, section 302-1B:

    "1) Bad head shall be defined as brain given without enthusiasm and/or experience. 2) Furthermore, bad head is also head that results in extreme pain or discomfort. For S&M experiences please disregard 2."

  6. wow… if the stench hit you like that then why'd you continue to hit it?!?! some smells are a sign of another problem, a nasty, contagious one.

    from personal experience with giving head, sometimes it depends on the guy. if I say no and you pressure me then I’m gonna make it bad on purpose so you don't ask any more and hopefully disappear. but if I’m feeling you then you truly will not be watching the game. I know there are chicks that are bad at it, but believe that some of us are playing you for whatever reason.

  7. *sidenote*

    "Come as you are" has to be my all time fav Nirvana joint and on my top rock songs ever list.

    LOL

  8. Good Morning America! I can't believe that someone would ask what bad head is. I think someone who says that is not only a client, but the club president.

    Bad head – @Nicki, yes. @Great One, yes. In addition, lack of coordination. There should be an ill three point stance that every woman should have, place her palm at the base, hand on the shaft and mouth on head. Which brings me to my first bad head… using just your hand not actually using your mouth. You ain't slick! There are three parts of de d*ck: the head, the shaft, the ring. Not acknowledging which the guy likes the most is bad business. Not acknowledging the frequency that a guy likes the most is bad business. Not watching the Superhead video with Mr. Marcus, will prevent you from ever Ever EVERRRR saying you give bomb head. There are only two options; Spit or Swallow. Any other option is an automatic F, or zero. Monotony can earn you a easy D, and quick F. For some guys, too much spit, for others, too little spit. Don't look at me, ugh automatic F. @Nicki – Now when you say teeth… some guys like a nibble, but they do not like a graze or a chomp.

    However keep in mind the consequences of giving great helmet… "If you give helmet so good that I would give it an A+, closely behind that is me trying to figure out how much helmet you have given to get this good."

    I will return to comment on the post in total.

  9. Oh yeah I forgot:
    Crazy P usually yields the potential for one of the unmentioned categories: Killa P!

    This is the P that can get you killed because she forgot to mention her boyfriend or whomever she was involved with that claims ownership to said P. You usually don't find out about the Killa P until you are the unfortunate soul who happens to be mid-stroke and hears that knock at the door accompanied by the slurred shouting of your accomplices name. If you live through Killa P, it is your job to warn other fellas.

  10. @ 100% Redbone – I like a long haired thick red-BONE
    The great ones assessment is spot-on. I mean its not that hard to pleasure a man with head (PAUSE)… so when theres no pleasure its like "shoot me now"

    @Reign @nicki – It didnt hit me until I was literally in it, and all that went through my mind was "F*ck it, I been through worse". Knowingly hittin it when shorty has that stank legg? No ma'am

    @CPT – Killa P happens to these daredevil ninjas ho like freakin off wifed up chicks… or chicks who dont tell dudes that got a man… thats why im always apprehensive about going to a womans house to do anything. Im always aware of the exits and in 5 minutes I have a plan a-z for escape!

  11. Okay, I was sitting here praying that dontdatehimgirl.com was a real website and it is! Yay! Browsing time!

    Oh, and you STILL hit the smelly beaver huh? I am shocked and not at all shocked simultaneously. Seriously, in my head I'm like "WOW, WTF…well, he IS a man after all" in a matter of 1/4 of a second.

  12. @ Cheekie – It was a preemptive strike, lolol. I was in there like "WTF"? I soon had an emergency that came up (pun intented) and I Bolted like Usain out that mutha, hit the showers, and did the Whitley "relax relate release" move. I lost her number, and she was never to be heard from again(no Odd Couple entrance theme story)

  13. @streetz: It doesn't always take a daredevil in order to run into a chick who conveniently forgets about her man.

  14. Am I the only one who thinks that someone with the tag 100%RedBone should definitely have an avatar? Please, thank you.

    1) Loose P – I agree and sustain your objection. Give her a book on kegels. We can salvage these women.

    2) Crazy P – I have to whistle and look at the ceiling, I feel like I just always have crazy P. So I can't comment.

    3) Smelly Cat – Don't do it. I can't even remember if I ever have. And actually a person who is consistently stanky cat, it's on her carfax report and mad dudes have already told you. For the after the club experience, this is why women need not to have their palms on the dance floor sweating it all out.

    Actually, mad random… so it's this place out in DC called Layla (do not go there with your whip it won't come back) they have coed bathrooms though, I go in there, and I see summer's eve douches on the bathroom man's table, and i'm like… wtf…. dirty hoes. If you used a Summer's Eve within the last two hours, that's dedication, but i'm still wondering why you got that stanky stank anyway.

    4) Lame Duck – Take her out back and shoot her.

  15. 15. CPT Callamity
    May 6, 2009 at 11:36 am

    @streetz: It doesn’t always take a daredevil in order to run into a chick who conveniently forgets about her man.

    ^^^

    Synagogue. I agree 100% Thats why you can't go to their houses! lol

  16. lol. this post is on point. all of these are major fouls in my book. luckily i haven't had to deal with most of these in my life. the only ones that i've had to deal with is brain damage and lame duck. i don't know which one of these is worse.

    brain damage

    like this really irks me. i feel that my skills are superior (mainly because i like what i do). if a woman doesn't want to do it in the first place it will show in her performance. if you don't want to do it or you're not going to be up for the challenge then you need not even start.

    lame duck

    this one might be worse. like are you really going to lay there like a bump on a log and let me do all the work? you don't want to switch positions? you aren't enthusiastic. the bedroom is not the place to be shy and coy. shit like this will not get a repeat performance from me. i need some type of feedback so i don't feel like i'm having sex with an inflatable doll (not that i would do that lol).

    overall i don't know about the idea of bad p*ssy reports. that would imply that i let other dudes know who i am piping. i'm a little too private for that.

  17. @ reign

    "if I say no and you pressure me then I’m gonna make it bad on purpose so you don’t ask any more and hopefully disappear."

    for what? why not just say no? that seems a little immature. if he pressures you then hold your ground. i'm pretty sure you don't give into all pressures. either way he'll live if you don't give him head.

  18. Ok, I'm reading the comments and got distracted by streetz' reply:

    "Synagogue." Like a variation of "chuuch"?!

    I cracked up for a good while. I think I'm in love…lol

    @Britt – Ha! Exactly what I was thinking. Hopefully you waxed on-waxed off your precious jewels, for real. You too, SBM.

  19. 22. Cheekie
    May 6, 2009 at 12:14 pm

    Ok, I’m reading the comments and got distracted by streetz’ reply:

    “Synagogue.” Like a variation of “chuuch”?!

    I cracked up for a good while. I think I’m in love…lol

    @Britt – Ha! Exactly what I was thinking. Hopefully you waxed on-waxed off your precious jewels, for real. You too, SBM.

    ^^^

    #1 – Yes it is a variation of worship. I have a full version of that saying that i will exhibit whn i see a post I super cosign on, lol

    #2 – I did not itch, lolol, it wasnt that serious, but I think my eyes started watering once the stank hit me.. and i provided an exit strategy

  20. Another thing

    Now that I realize, loose P is horrendous! Fellas, have you ever felt like you needed a backpack, a roadmap, and Indiana ones to traverse a Loose P? Jeez… Got you screaming "hello?! Hello!" Like Dream in Walking on the Moon's intro!

    Kegal exercises, FTW!

  21. "@Reign @nicki – It didnt hit me until I was literally in it, and all that went through my mind was “F*ck it, I been through worse”. Knowingly hittin it when shorty has that stank legg? No ma’am"

    @Streetztalk: LMAO.. U killed me at I been through worse.

  22. @ Tunde: it's the b*tch in me. Believe me the reason he won't be asking is because I did damage. if I keep saying no over a period of time and you continue to disrespect my wishes and bug the sh*t out of me, you get what you asked for. I love blessing the mic, but on my time. Bug me about it and Ima take a bite out of it.

  23. @streetz – I've had to use the buddy system to trailblaze some Loose P. It was me, Lewis & Clark, Nicky Barnes, Rick Ross, Jimmy Hoffa, and Sacagawea with a dildo. And we still could fill the sucker up.

  24. 27. Reign
    May 6, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    @ Tunde: it’s the b*tch in me. Believe me the reason he won’t be asking is because I did damage. if I keep saying no over a period of time and you continue to disrespect my wishes and bug the sh*t out of me, you get what you asked for. I love blessing the mic, but on my time. Bug me about it and Ima take a bite out of it.
    ^^^^

    this right here……wow. Reign ur sexometer dropped 700% lol

  25. 25. streetztalk
    May 6, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    Another thing

    Now that I realize, loose P is horrendous! Fellas, have you ever felt like you needed a backpack, a roadmap, and Indiana ones to traverse a Loose P? Jeez… Got you screaming “hello?! Hello!” Like Dream in Walking on the Moon’s intro!

    Kegal exercises, FTW!

    ^^^^^^

    rotflmao. i can hear dream saying hello too. kegal exercises is where its at though. ladies if you ain't up on them, you need to be.

  26. @ Tunde
    Actually, I'd send her mother a black dress. That's something you don't do or toy around with the possibility of.

    Edit: Okay that's a bit mean and I've never gone past no but that's some ill shyt to every ponder on.

  27. why is it that the most crazy of pussy is aalways attahed to the most crazy of women?
    i think back to my single life and the…umm… "few" women i had the turn with…. the best sex was with the most emotionally unstable.

    but in my old age, i did learn one thing…. (or perhaps just getting too much in such a short amount of time)
    good pussy is not always good sex. usually the two are linked but in alot of cases they are not.
    i think the best sex i had was attached to the crazy angry black woman spinster i was hooked up with.
    bi racial chicks also seem to have good pussy. it must come from all the crazy/emotional issues of having mixed background and not knowing where they belong… i dunno. i just know that the 3-4 bi racial women i ran into when i was single has emotional issues and crazy pussy.

  28. "Got you screaming “hello?! Hello!” Like Dream in Walking on the Moon’s intro!"

    MY SIDE IS HURTIN JUST LAUGHIN' OVA HERE!

  29. I have to elevate Brain Damage over Lame Duck. I had an experience with Loose P. I was one and done like Derrick Rose.

    As for Lame Duck, lay there if you wanna. I'ma get mine….then I'm goin to sleep. Thankfully never run into that.

    Brain Damage is not good. It is demoralizing and makes angels lose their wings. If you can't bless the mic, you need to bone up (pun intended) on your skills. Hit an open mic night.

  30. Okay, I aint no dude..but….

    here is one not mentioned

    1. too tight coochie – nothing wrong with tight coochie, but when you hitting it and she screaming every second and inching away and you really can't get into it the way you want thats annoying (unless you got a baby d*ck..then you won't know what I'm talking about and boast about how much you love some virgin tight coota. Some of you feel more like men when they screaming every damn second..how you enjoy that..if you do raise your hand and explain)

    And I know for a fact that a dude has never had good head when he says oral sex (recieving) aint his thing.

  31. Thanks to all of you ๐Ÿ™‚ I've learned so much. LOL!

    @Dr.J, you stated:
    However keep in mind the consequences of giving great helmet… “If you give helmet so good that I would give it an A+, closely behind that is me trying to figure out how much helmet you have given to get this good.”

    That's not fair, how can you ding a girl for being "too good"? You'd think one would be happy to have hit the brain jackpot, but instead you'd question her background? If you're gonna do it you'd want to be good at it right? Like guys who enjoy doing it becasue they know it pleases their partner there are girls who feel the same, if you can find her…lucky you ๐Ÿ™‚

  32. Even if the female is unenthusiastic about the head, you can simply turn her head upside down and f*ck her face. I mean…that's what I do…(shrugs). So there are options for that.

    Lame ducks: they just want you to do all the work. I dated a girl who was a lame duck and she was ALWAYS ready to go. I would be thinking to myself, "yeah, you ready because I do all the work!"

    I also don't like a female that's TOO wet. I mean, I love tight & wet, but when she is soaking my mattress up, oy vey. You get all that queef action like your plunging a toilet.

    Bond. BlkBond.

LEAVE YOUR COMMENT

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Get SBM Delivered

Get SBM Delivered

Single Black Male provides dating and relationship
advice for today's single looking for love

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Pin It on Pinterest

Shares
Share This