Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Women have warm pies for guys to insert their…
Aside from the anatomical features, there are a variety of differences between men and women that make life simultaneously exciting and incredibly difficult. Most men are claim to be very simple creatures. All Most women claim to be very difficult beings. Women often say the exact opposite of what they mean. Men often say absolutely nothing at all or their actions don’t necessarily match their words. Regardless, both parties in a relationship or “situation” can end up pretty frustrated with each other if the communication game is feeble. And when I say communication game, I don’t mean the difference between “Baby, I wanna make love to you right now cuz you got my body jumpin” and “I’m tryna f*ck and go to sleep. Can a squirrel get his nut?” Though both lead to a happy result for at least one party, I’m sure the romantic dreamy chick doesn’t want to hear the latter.
Sometimes the differences in communication are about more than the chromosome make up. Yeah, introverts communicate differently than extroverts. I know that there are all sorts of love and sexy time languages. But more importantly, we can often see the biggest differences in communication when sh*t hits the fan in the relationship or one person in the pair is having issues and it’s obvious or maybe not so obvious. Personally, when I have issues or things ain’t right, I get pretty quiet. I don’t huff, puff, and punch walls. I can appear to be pretty cryptic and it can be frustrating to those that wanna solve problems and talk it out at the first hint of trouble.
On the other hand, I can be in a perfectly good mood and be equally as quiet. Many women have tried to figure me out based on my demeanor or frequency of communication, and many have failed. Some have become incredibly frustrated. Some were incredibly immature. Some were incredibly frustrated and immature. Those were the chicks that purposely pissed me off and made me blow a gasket just to find out how I really felt at a particular time. These were the ones who almost turned me into the 9 foot beast.
Though I don’t know of more than maybe 1, there are women who handle stress and sh*t-hit-fannage in the same manner that I do. They may have issues or have a rough day and really just wanna reflect and cool out. Then there are the others that become increasingly quiet and distant because they really wanna talk (Yeah, that opposite of what they really mean phenomenon). If the dude doesn’t recognize that and he just let’s her be, he’s opening the door to trouble and intensified frustration. A lot of times my brethren won’t even know there was a communication break down. They’ll just assume that shorty is acting off because Aunt Flo is in town or “She’s just being a girl” (Words that provoke death).
It’s a lot easier to communicate when things are peachy and both parties are happy. The true challenge is maintaining this level of communication when things aren’t going well for one or both parties in the relationship. So for today, how do you communicate or not communicate when things aren’t going well or you have a lot on your mind? If you see something wrong or slightly different with a significant other, how do you attempt to communicate to figure out exactly what’s wrong? What absolutely doesn’t work? You don’t have to answer all those…unless you want to.
Communicating Effectively since 2008,
Its funny reading this article because I'm recently dealing w/ communication problems with my S.O.
I would consider myself an introvert until provoke or I reach a certain level of comfort w/ someone.
Lately, I have been trying to express some concerns I have but it seems that it 1 backfires and leads to an low-key argument or 2 I don't even get to the main point I wanna bring up and end up just dropping it completely.
I really don't want to believe the stereotype of men not really expressing their feelings even tho they say it but I believe this is the case. I believe what he says its just he isn't really showing it. Now don't get me wrong, if its something that absolutely needs to be change then I will indeed make it known. It just seems that when it comes to little easy stuff that may not be higher on the scale is where I have my problems.
Here's where I would like to hear some suggestions, how do I make my point across without trying to make it a big deal and actually have him hear me?
How do you express the emotion of the matter without the over-dramatic effect of being emotional?
Sign soon to be, emOtiOn-less
I'm like you in that I'm really quiet. When I am mad, it can be hard to read bc I won't say anything. I don't think I've very good at verbal comunication at all.
So far, me and the SO have not had any disagreements. In my past, I would prolly hold everything in and then end up exploding randomly one day. Not healthy! I'm going to try to do better this time around.
@ Nicki and Emo
holding in emotion until the volcano explodes illicits a civil war within the home. The best advice I can give you is to just be real and upfront. Make sure its a REAL issue, because if you cry wolf and want to have a big talk for every little thing, than your man will be less open to discuss issues.
Take it from someone who used to get NAGGED in relationships, its not a good look! It made me hold in feelings and deal with them on my own. Sometimes, men can handle the little things on our own, that's why we feel no need to discuss them.
I've learned to bring up issues that concern me just as a FYI and make it a quick conversation. Doesn't have to turn into a 90210 episode, you know?
i'm also not very good at verbal communication when it comes to my feelings/emotions. i'm the type of girl who gets upset and doesn't want to talk about it until i get over it. if dude really upsets me, i may up and "disappear" … won't answer phone calls/texts won't see me in the near any place he would be, etc. i realize that completely ignoring someone doesn't really resolve the issue, but i look it at like, if i'm out, neither of us have to deal with the drama anymore. but yeah, these days i'm trying to be more upfront and to the point, and it seems to be working in my favor.
@ emo I believe what he says its just he isn’t really showing it.
Believe what he shows first over what he says
I dont have a problem saying something …im very extroverted…
I have a huge problem when I'm with someone and they dont say spit and just hold it in and be mad, I hate the silent treatment, its my biggest pet peave
if you have a problem with me, just say it, rip it off like a bandaid, then we can work on resolving the issue
i think the thing that used to (i mean, it still does) frustrate me about the opposite sex is the fact they couldn't be upfront about how they felt about me… like do you want to be in a relationship? do you just want to be friends or eff buddies? like, tell me something! each time i ask, i get this random vague answer that leaves me more confused (hence why i felt the need to peace out). what's up with that??
I feel you! And when the man is vague about answering a question about how they actually feel about you (real talk, not just something they think we wanna hear), and we decide to go "ghost" THEN they wanna be confused!… When they KNOW deep down they haven't been upfront or even reciprocal…I'm REALLY trying to not just disappear in "relationships" that aren't going the way I want them to go, but I'm not into 'nagging', whining', or 'arguing'…I reach my limit with tolerating and/or settling for B.S. and then I'm gone…
@ streetztalk, I feel you on that nagging tip. Been there and the only thing worse than a complainingasswoman is a complainingassman.
My women friends often have the problem of nitpicking at their man, or exploding every couple of months because they haven't mentioned anything. (I used to be a culprit of the latter.)
I've learned to be strategic with my complaints. If they are minor (ie. leaving my toilet seat up, leaving his mess all over my apartment, calling me too late, hogging the TV/Wii/XBox, etc.) I will let 3-5 go by before I mention it, and I will usually bring it up during exercise or a really good meal that way we'll be in a good mood, and in a situation where we can quickly move to the next topic. If it is a big issue (ie. mispronouncing my name, being a jackass for no reason, complaining too much) I nip it in the bud immediately. Outside of those issues, I like to sit down once every 1-3 months to talk about pros and cons of the relationship just so we can make adjustments where necessary. 🙂
I am about to be a walking contradication today.
I take things with women very literally. Because it's the only way to limit my stress. I can't stress why you're stress that's just crazy. So if you say you're fine, then i'm going to treat you like you're fine. So don't play games.
On the other hand, I am a "let ish build up" type of guy. I won't say anything is bothering me until months later at which point, everything for the last six months will come out.
And I don't argue, I tend to just say what I have to say and then walk away.
@ streetz
I learned from the last person I was dealing with that I won't tolerate anyone who cannot talk to me on a multitude of levels, hence the reason I've had to resign to just being alone.
I'm a very good communicator, especially when I know what to say and have a way of saying it with her full attention. However, I've found a lot of ladies cannot take what they dish. Any criticizm, be it constructive or observational is taken so personal and met with deflection (even if it's the truth). If I want to talk about how I feel about something, it's not treated with the utmost importance or relevance, but sort of 2nd to hers. I've also found the ones who say "be up front" take it the hardest when you actually tell them the truth without bending. It's rather futile…
@emotion-less
"Here’s where I would like to hear some suggestions, how do I make my point across without trying to make it a big deal and actually have him hear me?"
It really depends what type of point you're looking to make. A lot of women/people over think things when it really isn't that big a deal. It also depends on if you're responding immediately after something happened or if it's a few days later and you're backtracking to talk about it. More details and I might be able to give you a more thorough and manly answer.lol.
As far as letting my feelings show, it all depends on who it is. If I feel like I'm truly close to the guy I'm dating, I'll probably get all emotional (Carl Thomas, what!) and flood tears like Niagra Falls. I'm a crier so when I get angry or sad or frustrated, I let out those negative feelings through tears. It's cleansing. lol
Now I am also a mastermind at holding my feelings in when I'm not that close to you. If I don't feel comfortable sharing my feelings with you, you won't know them. I take a bit to warm up to people, so there aren't many who see my true emotional side. Like, let's say at a work environment amongst neutral coworkers who I don't converse with on the reg, if something's bothering me, they won't know because I have already
burst into the public bathroom, locked myself in a stall, and cried my eyes outdealt with it.@ raqi
(ie. leaving my toilet seat up, leaving his mess all over my apartment, calling me too late, hogging the TV/Wii/XBox, etc.)
I wouldn't even bother being mad or complaining about that stuff…its a waste of energy..
It takes less than 1 second to put the toilet seat back down lol
@streetz: I agree and that's a very good point!
For me, I know it really depends on the situation. I agree with true, that some things are just not worth bringing up.
In general, I speak my mind about things, but once I realize it's a useless discussion, I'm done talking. If it is something really big, I am done altogether. I know you can't turn your emotions on and off, but I can be done with someone rather quickly. I'll stop talking, be unresponsive. I won't respond to phone calls, texts, emails or anything. At that point, it's not to show that I'm angry, it's b/c I am starting the process of moving on.
One of my exes has told me on numerous occasions that I am "cold", and that he would have preferred if I would have argued with him sometimes to let him know that there was at least some emotion there. What a fool. His last girlfriend threw boiling grits on his a$%, I hope that was hot enough for him.
I communicate for a living so I know that people will SAY anything but what they DO speak volumes. As long as you are DOING what you are supposed to do, you are A-OK with me.
@true
His place, his rules. My place, respect my wishes. I'll cook and clean, but I'm not cleaning up after him all the time. I'm a good woman, so the guys I've dated have made the necessary changes. 😉
I here that britt
I SOOO hate the silent treatment tho…
people who do that I feel want someone to beg them to talk…eff that..
One of my exes has told me on numerous occasions that I am “cold”, and that he would have preferred if I would have argued with him sometimes to let him know that there was at least some emotion there. What a fool. His last girlfriend threw boiling grits on his a$%, I hope that was hot enough for him.
^^^
I apologize in advance for what im about to say. I have the utmost respect for women, but if a women EVER threw boiling grits on me, She better RUN IT because I will TAKE HER DOWN and no UMBRELLA will assist her!
Streetz..lol..u were waiting like eee mug to use that
bwahahahahahaha
@streetz: "I apologize in advance for what im about to say. I have the utmost respect for women, but if a women EVER threw boiling grits on me, She better RUN IT because I will TAKE HER DOWN and no UMBRELLA will assist her!"
Yeah, that is some crazy mess, it's also evil. I would never even think about physically harming someone like that. That's why it's good to express yourself, and then walk away. All that pent up anger is not good. I say what I have to say and when I'm done, I'm done. We will not be arguing or fighting. If it's that bad, I drop you and move on.
Me Being Gemini, ah yes, our season approaches BTW, best time of the year but anyway Honey I don't even know what method I may use from day to day…now when I am really really hurting I tend to withdraw and seek the solace of places within.
When I want to talk I'm a master communicator, theres really none better, I can speak on what it is thats bothering me no problem.
If its something he has done to piss me off I have to let the anger subside or he might get cut up and down and sliced deep with verbiage and it be nothing but truth… but I really don;t like to have to do that, hopefully a mofo only has to see the sword once or twice and adjusts accordingly…….I don't play games, I'm pretty honest and I try to meet folk where they are in the way I communicate with them in terms of their understanding/comprehension=knowing your audience
@ True… a lilbit, lol
@ streetz – I think the proper term for what you are trying to say is, "Chris Breezy-ing" the lady. However be careful as wrong as the woman may be, you still may get the ish kicked out of you, a stiletto in your thigh, and then she'll call the cops and you'll be in jail.
@ Kwana – I think that we'd all like to think that we are great communicators, but it's key that both people communicate the same way and be good at it. I just know i'm not compatible with certain people because of how they communicate.
@ Remi – Yeah, as soon as I feel like i'm super upset I usually just dead the situation and walk away immedgiately.
"I can appear to be pretty cryptic and it can be frustrating to those that wanna solve problems and talk it out at the first hint of trouble."
This quote is on point. I'm the type that wants to solve problems immediately, and he's not. Being cryptic irritates the shit outta me, but it is what it is. I recognize that we approach issues differently…..
Yes, effective communication and compromise is the key…But only if both are willing…
Oh, I used to be horrible – and I mean in general. I would warn people not to piss me off because my anger is silent and deadly. Well, silent, anyway. I would not blow up. I would not curse you out. I would merely disregard your existence from that point onwards.
When it came to relationships, I never quite knew how to broach the subject when I was unhappy about something. When I finally hit the boiling point, I would write
…and write..and write..and hit "send". But by the time it got to that level, I was perfectly ready to say goodbye if need be. Needless to say, it wasn't the greatest. My words were usually effective, but the headaches I would've accumulated along the way were not worth it. I've since matured and learned to voice my opinion and discuss any issues that I/we may be having before that crucial point. I've found that life is so much easier when I speak up, and it helps that I've grown less tolerant overtime (it sounds bad, but some things are not to be tolerated). I'm still an internalizer by nature, though, so it won't be at the first sign of trouble unless I'm prompted.