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If at First You Don’t Succeed…

15

Bust a fat nut and try again. Try again…just kidding.

For whatever reason over the last year, I’ve seen an increase in the number of people who have broken up then gotten back to together…then broken up…then gotten back together. Then broken up…Thank you Facebook. Now I’d be a frontin’ arse negro if I said I’d never done versions 1.0 thru 4.0 of a relationship with one chick. Usually when my relationships have ended, they ended. One of us may have been trying to reinstall the relationship to original factory conditions, but the other party never agreed to make things official again…even if the cd went into the disk drive a few more times.

I think the one time that I did do the dance back and forth breakup/together thing, it got to version 3.0. Looking back at that and all it’s awfulness, it’s easy to see that I was just comfortable where I was and thought I really wasn’t going to find anything better. I know that sounds pitiful, but I’m sure there’s a good number of people that visit this blog who can identify with that thought process…probably in their younger days or maybe even more recently.



When you’re the counselor for people who keep doing this dance, it can drive you just as crazy as it’s probably driving them, if not more. So for today, I wanted to explore some of the reasons that people break up and keep getting back together since the good readers here have voted this question as a topic they’d like to see covered.

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Return on Investment

The longer you’re with someone, the more difficult it is to break up for good the first time around sans something reckless happening like the boyfriend walking in on his girl taking backshots from her “good friend for years”. All that time that you spend with someone is an investment. If you’ve been dating for a year or 2, you may feel that you owe the person another shot or 2 or 3 or 4 if they messed up. You may also get bogged down into the rationale of “There must be a reason we made it this far.”

Deep Strokes McGood Box

If the s*x is on and pizzling, it can temporarily reignite the flame that is more like smouldering ash. I don’t know how many times I’d have to tell female friends to stay away from the D if they wanted to truly break up with their man that was swinging slinging good wood. Men are just as guilty here though. We’ll often end up laying there butt-arse naked cuddled up wondering why we’re now back in a relationship with the same chick again. It’s a vicious cycle of despair and orgasms.

Complacency

I mentioned it earlier, but after a while people really do get complacent. It’s easier to get back with someone that you’ve been in a relationship with for a while then go through the whole dating process all over again. To a lot of men, it’s secure and consistent bunz with little to no effort. To a lot of women, it’s constant D and ever elusive commitment from a man. For a smaller percentage of the population, the self esteem thing creeps in. The “can I do any better” and the “I really don’t wanna be alone” start running through the head.

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Optimism

Some people just really think they can work things out and each break up was just a “misunderstanding”. Foolishness. Enough said.

So these are just a few of the reasons that people break up and repeatedly get back together. I’m no know-it-all, so what does everybody else think of this phenomenon of breaking up and repeatedly getting back together? Have you been a part of this before? If so, why? And lastly, do you have any friends who drive you crazy with this?

Heading to an island very soon,

slim jackson

Comment(15)

  1. even if the cd went into the disk drive a few more times.

    You have some of the best analogies! This is a tough one and right now I am counseling a girlfriend of mine that's on Version 3.0 and shocked that the same viruses that crashed 2.0 ad 1.0 are still snaking through the system!

    They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Leave it alone people!

  2. I am so guilty of this. Its not b/c I think things will get better b/c I know deep down it won't. I just succumb to all the begging. I'm a wimp when it comes to things like that. I have decided on staying single and not dating indefinitely. I can do a lot of things well, but have come to realize that dating and relationships are not among those things.

  3. I've only given 1 relationship another chance, and it ended the same way it ended the first time. So now I'm back to "once its over, its over."

  4. @Sunny Dee

    It looks like you can hang with me on the analogies. Good description of their situation! I'm also mad that I didn't think to include the insanity piece in the post. Great catch.

    @Remi

    Are you also the type that let's the other person end it even if you have to force them to?

  5. Return on Investment – People need to understand the law of diminishing returns. Each time you rekindle, your investment becomes less worthy. Knowing when to chalk it up is BAWSE. Not knowing, you realize that you're just sinking money into the Titanic. i.e., General Motors.

    Deep Strokes McGood Box – Not much I can say about this. But you don't need to be in the relationship for the sex. And as previously mentioned by RCLS, this would make you physically whipped.

    Complacency – These come a dime a dozen, people are only together because they been together for so long. They don't love each other, but they are just like… together. I can't do this morally, because in a complacent relationship it leads to a wayward d*ck, I mean eye.

    Optimism – You only get but so many of these before you have to see the light. Remember, "you was who you was before you got here." Unless the person explicitly plans to improve/work on things, and comes up with an action plan, not just a proclamation. I wouldn't buy it.

  6. My name is Reecie, and I am a recovered relationship recycler. I've done it too many times to share. It was really bad in the college years, getting back with old HS joint; after college years, getting back with old college joint. *sigh* I really try to give people the benefit of the doubt, hoping that growth and "maturity" will let the 2.0 prosper where 1.0 didn't….but a lot of it is about knowing the person (good and bad) and not really being ready to go through the motions of meeting new people. the comfort level is crazy! and because I remained friends with my exes it didn't help the ability to move on. but I'm over it! never, ever again.

  7. @ Reecie: I to suffer from the recycler syndrome. I'm going through it right now. I love him and it's the only reason I have the patience to stay.

    I truly believe that we should be together even though I've compromised everything and he has compromised nothing…(holds my head down in shame). He's perfect except for the 50 million flaws he has… lol

    I'm on my last straw though so if 2.0 doesn't work, I'm bouncing.

    I would call ours relationship The Titantic… It's great while we're sailing the seas, but eventually we're going to hit that rock and sink… damn!

  8. @Slim – No, I am usually the person who ends it for good cause, but I just don't have the heart to stick with it after hearing "I'm sorry." Deep down I know things will not be different, but fear that I may be letting things go prematurely, so I go back. I know foolishness at its best. 🙁

    @ DrJ – you are exactly right. It always gets worse each time afterwards.

  9. Yo-yo relationships always make me smh.. I've never been in one though I have a lot of friends who have surpassed the 4.0 version several times over. Honestly speaking I remind myself whenever I even entertain the idea that we broke up for a reason. I'd consider dating the person NOT EXCLUSIVELY to see if they have changed. If they haven't they are never offered their full time position back.

  10. i've never been one to backtrack and try a relationship again. lol. i believe that people break up for a reason and you should leave the past in the past. and with that said…. i really agree with your second point. sometimes when the sex is good and you know what you are going to get its easy to backtrack in that department. i know i have but you always end up regretting it, so that's not my thing anymore.

  11. You guys are lucky you stopped at 3.0, for real. With more than one girl, I've reached versions 3.0, 4.0, XP & Vista.

    And why?

    The power of the p-u-s-s-y.

    One of these aforementioned women…she was bad for me and I was not good for her. She knew it. I knew. I told her this. Repeatedly. She wouldn't listen. Then, when she started to heed my advice, I couldn't take it. Not because I suddenly had this deep emotional attachment for her that I had for no one else.

    No, I couldn't fathom the thought of not being able to open those legs and filet mignon that…

    Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

    Needless to say, I learned after Vista. There will be no Windows 7.

  12. Fam,

    I respect the SBM readers for brigning this up. I have too been very guilty of this (as Reecie can attest to from my gchat confessions, lol) but I woke up one day and realized that it was all bs.

    Next week I'm going to drop my "Why exes should remain exes" blog for the people. Digital Ether at its finest and answers ur question perfectly.

  13. I was married for 10 years, together a total of 17 years. Of those 10 years, 5 was him living elsewhere. We always tried to make the marriage work becaue we have kids together. Damn that….the kids will eventually get over it and the funny part is, my ex thinks that there will always be a chance with us again.
    I don't go backwards in relationships especially if there was any kind of disrespect, cheating, lying…etc. Once you instill in me that you just aint that one, you will never be that one. You can say that I have a hard heart or whatever. Once you break it, you will never get the chance to do it agian. So no…I am not the kind of woman that will continuously try to make a relationship work.

  14. For some people, hindsight is 20/20. For others, good sex prevents them from seeing things clearly. Don't get in your own way and don't let someone else prevent you from getting what you deserve.

    Sometimes people go back into situations because they think that their partner has changed in some way. People don't change, they just become better at hiding their flaws.

    Mom was right when she said that some things are better left alone.

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