Home Dating & Relationships Laws of Attraction SBM Answers: The Problem With The Super Black Woman

SBM Answers: The Problem With The Super Black Woman

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The following email came in from a reader, and since I have heard this question countless times, let me go ahead and drop a little bit of knowledge on the subject.  Apparently some women are confused about men and their choices in women.  *sigh* … you would think it would all be obvious by now.

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Hi. I am an avid reader of your blog, find your posts to be both humerous and enlightening. However I would appreciate your perspective on this topic (and perhaps you’ve already convered this and I missed that entry).

I am a single, black female. I am 23 years old. I do not have any kids. I am a college graduate and now work full time AND attend graduate school full time (and by graduate school I do not mean Webster University or any other online based masters program.. not to knock them). I feel that I am very attractive, and am an in shape, athletic person.

How can someone like me be perpetually single, while other women…who can only be politely described as hoodrats who give little or no contribution to the world other than babies, have men knocking down their doors?

I have asked several men their take on the situation and have been told the following things:

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1. Hoodrats are easy, and as a result men have lower expectations
2. Black women are gold diggers
3. Black men are too afraid of rejection

I could continue, but this email is already entirely too long. I basically want to know why good girls are always single?

Thanks
E*

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There is a group that is represents success, beauty, and the rewards that often come from hard work.  They are educated, accomplished, and driven.  They are leaders of their industries, and they taking care of sh*t.

Then why are so many of them single?

Yes, I’m talking about your typical strong, accomplished, and professional black woman.  It seems like this group of women always has trouble with black men, as our reader is currently struggling with.

First and foremost, let me address these “reason” she has found.

Hoodrats are easy, and as a result men have lower expectations

I know I have preached my love of hoodrats before … but lets be real … neither I, now most professional black men are really settling down with a hoodrat.  I’m not looking to strictly support anyone, I’m not looking to wife up a person I can’t take to a corporate party.  But … there is a lot to be said for “easy” women.  Sh*t … I don’t want some chic hungry for a guy and attacking me because I have a real business card … but sometimes I gotta say f*ck a challenge. Some women make it too hard.

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Black women are gold diggers

I think most men know that all women are golddiggers, not just black women (I’m joking … don’t kill me!).  It’s a well known fact that any black woman with even half a degree and a close to decent job refuses to entertain any man without a degree from a 4 year school and a good job … but that’s not stopping anyone from hollering.  Try again.

Black men are too afraid of rejection

LMAO.  Black men are afraid of rejection?!?!?!  I think 10 minutes at any club, supermarket, or street corner will show you that us black men are still getting at any thing with an a$$ any upstanding woman with reckless abandonment.

So … what is the answer then?  Why are there so many smart and beautiful women that are having so much trouble finding men, while there are plenty of “less professional” women who are happily bunned (read: wifed) up? It’s simple …

They are more focused than you!

I mean, there is more at play than that, but if I had to pick one single reason why there is such a disparity between the super “professional” female and the non … that’s it.  Your average “professional” woman is busy with her 2nd or 3rd degree, making partner at her firm, or taking over the world … and your average guy is going to be a 2nd class citizen.  Simply stated … a less ambitious woman has more time for her man.

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So, back to the email and our dear reader who is afraid that she will forever be single.  First and foremost … breathe.  Your 23 and you have way too much to worry about right now.  Go ahead and get your degree, chart your path, and go conquer the world.  Once your done battling the professors, then worry about getting bunned.

To avoid being a statistic, just remember … men like women who have time for them.  We aren’t as bad as ya’ll … and we enjoy our free time, but it’s good to be wanted by a woman and have a woman show that she’s interested.  But don’t ever think that there aren’t a million men out there searching for their corporate queen.  I love a smart, educated, a career driven woman … and I know there are plenty ready to co-sign on that one.

It’s gonna be alright …

Am I right? Am I leading this girl astray? Do I know what I’m talking about? The best answers come from the comments … what do you think?

Single Black Male Logo

Comment(53)

  1. hmm…maybe. But consider this…I'm the same as old girl (but 24) and when I was in a relationship I MADE time. Enough to cook dinner for when he got home, draw a nice hot bath, and massage his back (not as often as every week but not as rare as every holiday). The problems came when I felt he was WASTING MY TIME w/ drama and bs. I dont find too many men that understand I want a partnership..someone that can conquer the world with me…so we can switch off runnin thangs every once in a while. I don't mind puttin time aside as long as my efforts are recognized, appreciated, and recipricated (did i spell that righ?). I think it has more to do with sacrifice…

  2. I am with GoldenSugarPlum. Actaully I can not put it better myself in terms of what I will do for my man. And that I want a partnership bit. DAMN – sounds like her clock is ticking like mine!

    I am a damn good, down woman. My thought process is what I won't do another chick will. So I do – as long as he understands one word: reciprocity. (I may not need the same things, but I have needs)

    The only difference is that I am 28, therefore, my belief that I will be single forever, is running much higher. Because while Ol' girl in the email is "working on her Masters (and not online), I finished mine in 2005 (and not online).. And while I balanced a man or a few when I wanted, quite well in the past even with these commitments, presently I no longer have them: so no; time, effort, whatever you are saying is not the issue. I have been accomodating. In fact all of the men I have dated "comeback" eventually on some "damn I fucked up."

    Did I mention I am beutiful. Not to sound stuck on myself, because trust me I am not (you know me) – but my point is it ain't that I can't turn heads.

    We had a conversation in the past SBM when I told you: A woman can always find a man to fuck and a man can always find a woman to settle down with. The problem is when you are the gender looking for the opposite. I think the real issue is at 23, most men just aren't trying to lock chicks down, (not seriously as a woman is) so the kind of man she is looking for is, well – rare. Unless she wants to start dating men who are 30+, but then there is another issue (which I will touch on later)

    In my case, I think my single has much to do with my location. While I think the age of man I date is more prone to wanting to settle (generally 30-35), depending on your location, the quantity of these kinds of men is lower when you want them to have an education and not have kids and all this other great shit I come with. In general it is lower because education wasn't as valued by this age group blah blah blah… But if you are in Detroit, as I am, most of these are the "factory nigga's" as we call them. Likely not degreed, had a lotta money, but now lost without a map now that the factories are closed. So if I don't want a factory nigga, there are even less of the kind of man i would prefer to date available here, (equally yoked as I call it). Location is a big factor.

    Yeah this shit is long. But the point is – if ol girl is in a great area, she needs to wait or she needs to date older men.

    As for me – I need to fuckin move or accept the single card. Presently, I've accepted single and perhaps a move will change my mind.

    Later,

    Beautiful Distraction.

  3. Interesting beginning of a dialogue. I've had this conversation with so many of my single girlfriends and we've come up with more than just three reasons! But I do believe time is a huge factor along with our mentality. We've definitely gotten to a place as succesful black women who are gorgeous, funny, great personalities and God-cenetered where we feel like we're not waiting on a man. If he doesn't step up I'll just do it myself.

    I live in New York so even though the male:female ratio is skewed they are here and they are available and at 28 I think part of my problem is I need to slow down (easier said than done in NY). So I've decided to stop going on 100 bad dates a year which only sours my mentality further and wait for that 1 good date. He'll be worth it.

  4. Wow, SBM. I see you've had things on and poppin', especially when I was out sick on Friday. And yes, I was actually *really* sick on a Friday when the boss was out of town. Ain't that about a b**ch!

    But on to bigger things: I think that you're right about some women having more time to dedicate to their men. But I would also have to say that we, as women, receive a lot of mixed messages. I can understand my sisters' frustration – some men will be quick to tell us that the thirsty routine will get us nowhere (and we have the battle scars to prove it!). They say that all we need to do is focus on becoming the best us that we can be. To that end, many of us who are tired of the mess bury our heads in the books, work, church or the gym – whatever. But when I was in this phase of my life I did it with the thought in mind that I wanted to become the kind of woman that I would want to be with if I were a man. Smart, successful, attractive. Knows how to cook and clean. Imagine my disappointment when I saw women who were putting in less effort – and getting wifed left and right, by men who looked DAYUM good on paper. It does make you feel like, "Why her and not me?". May not be hella politically correct, but it's how a lot of us feel.

    For you young 23 and 24 yr olds, please take a chill pill. Enjoy that perky bod while you have it, cuz there is DEFINITELY a time limit on flaunting your stuff, lol!

    I truly believe that a happy relationship is a blessing – and you never know where you are on God's timeline. Be patient with yourself and don't let it start effecting your self esteem.

  5. "Simply stated … a less ambitious woman has more time for her man"

    I think this was the biggest bomb in this article. I recently got my Masters, and I had an emotional breakdown cause I felt the same way as the original young lady. And it's very true… I ran around with my head chopped off when I was working full time and in grad school. Only time I was still was to sleep. Not only could I not catch a man, and it's obvious why I couldn't keep one. Doesn't make the reality any easier to face, but it's the truth.
    But now that I finished, I feel I will slow down. And once that happens, there will be an opportunity to get… "caught." But the article is correct… finish school, and get established. Once you have a routine, then things can fall into place. I know there are good men out there, black or otherwise, who are still attracted to black, educated women. Things will fall into place when they are supposed to… but if your still raising dust, then no opportunity to settle.

  6. I couldn't agree more with everyone who has posted. I'm 27, but I don't feel rushed, I'm just sick of the nonsense. I think it may be that we expend energy on non-deserving, unappreciative men and there are appreciative and deserving men who we have not met. However, I am certain that I will not be expending that type of energy on any man any more. I can focus on my career, which I know that if I work hard will provide favorable results.

    I also agree that if you are in your early 20's, you don't need to be too worried. Just have fun.

  7. As unfair as this may seem, career minded women will usually lose. The more a woman focuses on her career and obtaining multiple degrees, the more likely she will lose in the dating realm.

    First of all, she cuts down the pool of available men because most women aren't willing to date a man making significantly less than she does, or doesn't have a degree. Second, when you are focused on your career, that means short-term, you don't have time for dating. Long-term, (and I may be in the minority for thinking this), most men who are financially sucessful aren't looking for an agressive career chick. A man wants to settle down with a woman who will be a wife and mother, and that's hard to do when you are working the same 60-hour work week as your potential husband. That doesn't mean financially successful men want the girl at the McDonald's drive-thru, but we don't want a woman who is out of town on business three days a week either, not when looking at a potential marriage with children.

    Add on top of that, women peak in physical attractiveness between 20 and 25. Wait until you are 28-30, and you might have an extra 30 to 40 pounds to hinder you as well.

    Your degrees and career makes you better to be by yourself, not better to be with someone else. It's the mixed blessing of so-called "independence". This might not sound fair, but it's the truth, and life isn't fair.

  8. SBM the article is on point. I think its a combination of ambition vs focus(towrds a mate) and also standards. A woman has to make sure her standards are high, but attainable. You also have to make sure that if you have high standards, you can meet equal or greater standards that any potential mate can set.

    I wouldn't lose sleep over not being wifed up. Its better to be alone than to waste time for the sake of saying "I have someone". That will all come in time, but you can't go looking for it. Survery the situation, scrutiize dudes you go out with, and see if these dudes will be worth your time. once again easier said than done.

  9. @Beautiful Distraction

    "But if you are in Detroit, as I am, most of these are the “factory nigga’s” as we call them."

    This is funny I am from and live in Detroit and we call them "plant n**gas".

    "I date is more prone to wanting to settle (generally 30-35), depending on your location, the quantity of these kinds of men is lower when you want them to have an education and not have kids and all this other great shit I come with. In general it is lower because education wasn’t as valued by this age group blah blah blah…"

    I run into the same thing with women. But there are men here that are late 20s to mid 30s, degreed, with no kids. My brother, me, and some of my friends fit in this category. Where do you find these men? Maybe that is the problem?

  10. I'm a man in my late 20's, and while I love dating Black women, I've found that a lot of women will shut you down for mostly minor details. Minor as in, no, she did not get to know my personality, but the details of my wallet, credit score and job first. It's unfortunate that the woman who emailed you is single (if she really is that good of a catch), but it's up to her to either get with the forever single train, or understand that it's really OK to compromise.

    Compromise and settle, two of the most negative dating words to a Black woman. Compromising and settling are not the end of the world, as a matter of fact, it's the opening of an entirely new dating pool! It's clear that more women go to college than men, so by making a steadfast rule around a degree (or something similar), she's cut down a SIGNIFICANT portion of her dating pool. I'm not even going to go into height, skin tone, and other factors because every little detail she HAS to have makes her chances even lower. Now, if she's OK with trying to find that elusive 3-5% of the Black population, that's fine.

    What's going to eat at her soul is that if she wants to climb up this corporate ladder, look at other successful relationships around her. Not Black relationships but all of them. It's very common for me to see a very happy couple with people who are completely skewed educationally and financially. They are really happy first and doing well financially second. It's really OK, to date an intelligent man without a degree, especially if you found out he likes the same kind of ice cream you like first. It's really OK to date a man who doesn't drive the latest Benz, but enjoys cooking for you, just the way you like it. It's really OK to date a man who has the body you CRAVE, yet you need to lose a few pounds yourself, because he wants to keep you both healthy for the longest time together as possible. Just take a look around you, ask questions, explore dating differently (because it's definitely not working already), just get out there and don't be the single woman you are dreading you will be forever, be the woman willing to make a connection first.

    On a side note, if I meet a girl and within the first 30 min. She asks about what I do for a living. The date is over with. It's a person to person connection. If she wanted to interview me for a position as her financial partner she should give me her resume.

  11. @ Humble One..

    Yeah, I call em plant niggahs too.

    Honestly, I am of above average intellect and nine times outta ten the deal breaker for me is I feel like I am dumbing myself down to communicate with a man. Now, I am not saying I won't give it a shot or even stay his friend, but to be real – I need to learn something from my man. I like learning. But that is me – trust, I am not saying I am the easiest to pick up even if you are most of what black women are looking for.

    Where do I find men? I don't know how to answer that. I am on my 8th month of celebacy and planning to relocate to DC before the close of the year soooo… Can't say I been looking lately.

    I don't go out often. I worked Coat Check at a club most of the winter. I mostly do the concerts with a girlfriend or two and I prefer indie music. So like I went to Eric Roberson/ Anthony David a few weeks back. I went to Foreign Exchange week before last. Going to Chene Park Friday for India Aire. I usually go out adn ahve a drink here or there a couple times a week. The Sidebar or Centaur or Bookies or Coaches Corner… I love a good beer. My point is I am not a homebody, but I don't go to Belle Isle or the Club.

    Honestly, most men here approach me fucked up so I smile, say hello and keep it moving. Fucked up being: "Hey Sexy." or "Daaaaaaaammn." or "Hey Red." What happened to, "How are you doing?" Also I have a young look and I am not overweight so men usually assume I am too young. I get asked a lot if I am still in school, so I would say I probably look 21-24…

    So maybe the question is where do you hang out? If it is the club or one of these many Facebook events (The Ghostbar or Esko) for so called young professionals – yeah, I am not going to anything that will have smoke stuck in my hair all weekend. LOL

  12. @lecanardzero.

    I sorta agree with you. Only sorta. I am not pro settling, but with that I mean be realistic about what settling is for you. What I mean is this: I don't necessarily need a degree'd dude. I need intellectually stimulating conversation. I need the man to be smart. That doesn't necessarily mean degree'd. However, I will not settle for the stuff I need to be happy. Stimulating conversation being number one for me. And I will be the first to admit that having some college does not mean you are a great conversationalist. I am of above average intelligence though, so settling for a dude I feel like I am teaching everything to will become boring to me and eventually make him feel degraded. Trust me I have tried.

    My rough list is as follows:
    Intelligent, but not unbearably nerdy or socially challenged.
    Carry on a thought provoking conversation.
    Love music… Or at least, love that I love music.
    Clean. (I can handle clutter.)
    Driven. (Toward something other than other women and the couch)
    Let me cry and know it’s because I need to, not ’cause I am weak.
    Faithful.
    Open to discuss just about anything.
    Secure.
    MASCULINE.
    Love to travel.
    Critique me to the tune of improvement.
    Honest.
    Financially functional, if not secure.
    Good in bed and willing to get better.
    It’d be a bonus if he writes or plays an instrument or something… but not necessary.
    Owning a motorcycle would be nice… not required.
    Single (damn shame I have to say it, but I do)
    Handsome is cool… Fine would be much more than I need.

    I don't think I am asking for alot, but these are the things I will not settle on. I think it is important to know when you are compromising in terms of being reasonable or compromising in terms of erosion of character.

    Sorry so long.

  13. @ Hugh. Sad state of affairs brother, but I agree mostly with you.

    Also, I don't think most women are CEO's or trying to be, I think we are just trying to stay competitive in the job market and live well. Same as y'all. I think most women will adjust to being at home or whatever when it comes time to be a wife or mother. I know I would.

    Maybe I'm wrong tho.

  14. @Beautiful Distraction

    "Honestly, I am of above average intellect and nine times outta ten the deal breaker for me is I feel like I am dumbing myself down to communicate with a man. Now, I am not saying I won’t give it a shot or even stay his friend, but to be real – I need to learn something from my man. I like learning. But that is me – trust, I am not saying I am the easiest to pick up even if you are most of what black women are looking for"

    See this is the problem I have. There are many women here with degrees but the problem is having an intellectual conversation with them. I listen to NPR, watch C-Span, and shop at Trader Joe's. Meeting a woman that can school me on something or can hold a conversation thats not about church or black pop-culture is rare.

    "So maybe the question is where do you hang out? If it is the club or one of these many Facebook events (The Ghostbar or Esko) for so called young professionals – yeah, I am not going to anything that will have smoke stuck in my hair all weekend. LOL"

    I haven't got out much recently because of my schedule. I am now trying to get out more. I've been to Esko before. If it wasn't for a friend of a friend wanting to go there I wouldn't have been there. Not really my crowd. I use to do Northern Lights when DJ Houseshoes and Dez was there.

    "Where do I find men? I don’t know how to answer that. I am on my 8th month of celebacy and planning to relocate to DC before the close of the year soooo… Can’t say I been looking lately."

    Thats funny because i've been thinking about moving to DC. I have family in that area. I need to get more info about the area.

  15. Everyone… relax, relate, release. I just crossed the burning sands into 30 and I’m single. I used to think that being 30 and unmarried would be the worse thing in the world that could happened. BUT, then I realized being 30 and divorced was worse. I can’t tell you how many people (men and women) that I have met recently that are in the 27 to 35 range and are divorced. At 23, I don’t think the email writer should be stressed at all.

    I think too many women (myself included when I was that age) get so caught up in wanting to be in a relationship and getting married that they never take a moment for self-discovery. I thoroughly enjoyed my 20’s. I did the things that I wanted to do. I went the places I wanted to go. I experienced the things that I wanted to experience. I dealt with the baggage of the past. In the process, I discovered myself and became comfortable in my own skin.

    I was single through most of my 20’s because I chose not to make time for anyone. I’m in a different place and mindset now and I do make time for dating despite my busy schedule. I think, as you get older it’s easier to date more efficiently and filter the riffraff out quicker. In addition, you attract what you project. Now that I’m in a better place and a better person, I noticed that I attract a higher quality of men.

    @Hugh Jazz… Not all women peak that early. IMO, at 30 I’m in the best shape of my life and the best I’ve ever looked (six pack and all). Also, let me put a little spin on your statement. If a black woman wants to marry a black man, then yes as she attains higher education she limits her dating pool. However, if she wants to marry a good man there are plenty of fish in the sea. I think the new trend that is about to take off is black women and non-black men. In Georgetown, if you see a black woman she’s either with a group of black women or she’s with a non-black man. It’s a trend that is becoming more and more the norm.

    @Ladies… do not hit the panic button. Live your life. Open yourself to new opportunities. You have the rest of your life to spend with someone else, so spend this time getting to know yourself. Date men outside of your comfort zone.

  16. @Beautiful Distraction

    Well, it's good to hear that we at least agree a little. Really, if some of the women that complain about how they can't find a guy are able to have your point of view, I'm sure there would be a lot more Black love and tons more couples around. You are not asking for a whole lot, but don't let that list be the ball and chain that keeps you from finding the happiness you deserve.

    The only other thing I would say is "Financially functional" can be achieved at any economic status if you live within your means. "Financially secure" can be achieved at only the upper strata of the tax bracket. They don't necessarily go together. So, if you are looking for a man who's the latter, you can get rid of the former. Remember it's always best to date within your perceived class if you feel that's the only way you'll find a man worthwhile.

  17. As always … this is getting interesting.

    I must say I have to agree with the guys … one problem is that there are a lot of women disqualifying guys for some of the simplest and most artificial reason. A lot of them claim there is no good men, but its just that every guy is "settling". Well, I'm here to say that settling is a part of life. No one is perfect and if they are, someone prolly got him/her already. As long as your happy … that's what matters.

  18. The guys are all on point. I would've responded but I've done it on plenty of other forums and had to let the band handle this one.

    I recently met someone and they had all the modern woman characteristics:

    – drives an expensive european car
    – hundreds of shoes
    – 3 degrees
    – woe is me story about how she will probably have to adopt kids.

    It's a never ending pattern, especially in the D.C. Area. I just SMH most of the time because the things that tout as being tantamount to quality, are not characteristics which make them desirable, especially to a single, intelligent and childless man like myself.

  19. Hi, I'm the original emailer. I really have enjoyed reading everyones comments, and I've pretty much been able to see everyones point all the while I feel like I'm tossing both point of views back and forth…kind of like I'm watching a tennis match. 23 does seem very young to worry about getting wifed up, but on the other hand I figure…suppose I meet a guy now,date for 1 or 2 or every 3 years and then all of a sudden I realize he isn't the one? Thats 3 years I'll never get back. I figure its best to start the search young, before I wind up…unable to have children and approaching 40. Maybe its just that I'm from the South and it seems that the natural progression in life is college, grad school, marriage,family…. all before the age of 30.

    As for the issue of not having time to "take care of a man". You're right, unless there are two rings on my finger I don't feel the need to cook every night nor draw anyone a bath because…hes not my husband. After all there is a "single" and a "married" box on my tax form… no where is there in a relationship or engaged- to status that are only relevant to Facebook.

    And is it really to much to ask that the man have a degree and have no children? Maybe I have set my goals to high, but I can wait a few more years before I budge on those

  20. VeronicaO: "Not all women peak that early. IMO, at 30 I’m in the best shape of my life and the best I’ve ever looked (six pack and all)."

    Which is why I said "might". I work part time as a personal trainer and have trained women into the best shape of their lives in their 30's.

    CPT Calamity: "It’s a never ending pattern, especially in the D.C. Area. I just SMH most of the time because the things that tout as being tantamount to quality, are not characteristics which make them desirable, especially to a single, intelligent and childless man like myself."

    The first thing most women need to realize is what they look for in a man isn't necessarily what a man looks for in a woman.

  21. Original: ” on the other hand I figure…suppose I meet a guy now,date for 1 or 2 or every 3 years and then all of a sudden I realize he isn’t the one? Thats 3 years I’ll never get back. I figure its best to start the search young, before I wind up…unable to have children and approaching 40.”

    You’re actually smarter than most. You don’t have to be worried now, but it is a good thing you do realize you can’t hide behind your books and your desk. Some women think when they get an MBA and a $100K job, they can then get the husband and children at a snap of their fingers. If you’re serious about having a family, don’t wait until you’re thirty to start trying to make that happen.

    Original: “And is it really to much to ask that the man have a degree and have no children?”

    No.

  22. @Hugh

    Co-sign to the fif degree!
    I don't want her car. I don't care about her luxurious furnishings. I don't care about her ugly expensive purse and I certainly don't care how much she paid for those ugly little shoes with 3 straps and a piece of wood she calls Jimmy Choo's or what have you (although I will appreciate her for how she looks in them)…

    My sister recently got married and her man speaks the world of her. Now, I'd like to get in the differences between the two, but my sister is degreed whilst he's working on his degree. He works for a community college, so free tuition for sis and whatever kids come along! My sister is "educated" and all that, but neither her or my mother every touted their degrees as their key selling points. They let their femininity and ability to care and nurture speak for them, and they both got the ring. I think when many of you ladies don't appear as competition and more like compliments then the results will change.

  23. @ the Original

    "And is it really to much to ask that the man have a degree and have no children? Maybe I have set my goals to high, but I can wait a few more years before I budge on those"

    It really isn't too much but damn..we hate feeling like a damn unicorn when you do find us. You mention that you're degreed and childless and then the "well, what's wrong with you questions come out." I remember when I was temporarily unemployed a few years back. The lady in the unemployment office was actually surprised that I was childless because she said the average guy looking for a job was undereducated and had a child on the way. She said "I gave her hope." I'm not sure how to take that one.

  24. @lecanardzero- I couldn't agree with you more. Being a woman myself and not wanting to settle/compromise in the past, I can understand where you're coming from. These days its not about the degree, car, looks(I still have to be attracted to you) and the remaining items on my once long list. The connection matters alot more to me. One's personality, the way he treats his momma, sister, does he make me laugh…the quality of his life is far more interesting than what degree he attained. A degree doesn't make a man a good man. I don't feel as if I'm compromising. Maybe his job isn't the best, but he's held it for the past 3 plus years and works very hard. He might not have a degree but he's ambitious and wants to pursue one. Actually, I'm digging deeper and in doing so, realizing the human connection will carry folks a long way, as oppose to meeting the requirements on my list.

  25. To go ahead and co-sign with CPT:

    — Women in the DC area are the worst when it comes to this. Just thinking about when I was out there dating and running the streets gives me shivers … *brrgh*

    — What women find attractive in men is not what we care about. A lot of men want a nice focused women, but we really don't care about degrees and salary anywhere near as much as women. There seems to be this whole swell of women who think having an MBA and a vicious title at your company will impress a guy. 70% of the time … it won't.

  26. Now, not every masters is an MBA. I'm not going to grad school to climb the corporate ladder and break through glass ceilings, I mean theres not anything wrong with any of that, but plain and simple I want to be a High School media specialist/broadcast teacher… I have to go to grad school for that. Darn it. Maybe I should email my university and let them know that theyre messing up my game lol

  27. @leocanardzero

    Asking someone's job is not an off the wall inappropriate conversation starter. "What do you do?" or "Where'd you go to school?" is something you probably get asked regularly when making small talk with strangers and is all the more appropriate when you are getting to know someone intimately.

    What do you think marriage (or any serious relationship) is if not to some degree a financial partnership? Lets be real here it is a significant part of survival. I'll give you that credit scores and account balances are not first date conversations, but they are discussions that should be had if you're thinking life partner. I'm not wrong because I need to know that we're going to be able to get the house in the good district and college funds for the kids and that it is going to be a partnership in getting that and not on my shoulders alone? (shouldn't be on either partner)

    Lastly the financial functional vs security argument is unfair. Functional means essentially "practical" and I don't want to just "get by." Security to most women I know means someday we can retire or go on vacation or not lose everything if there is an emergency-it has nothing to do with mansions.

  28. @ Beautiful Distraction – If your list is this…

    My rough list is as follows:

    Intelligent, but not unbearably nerdy or socially challenged.

    Carry on a thought provoking conversation.

    Love music… Or at least, love that I love music.

    Clean. (I can handle clutter.)

    Driven. (Toward something other than other women and the couch)

    Let me cry and know it’s because I need to, not ’cause I am weak.

    Faithful.

    Open to discuss just about anything.

    Secure.

    MASCULINE.

    Love to travel.

    Critique me to the tune of improvement.

    Honest.

    Financially functional, if not secure.

    Good in bed and willing to get better.

    It’d be a bonus if he writes or plays an instrument or something… but not necessary.

    Owning a motorcycle would be nice… not required.

    Single (damn shame I have to say it, but I do)

    Handsome is cool… Fine would be much more than I need.

    I actually have all that. Now why do I want you?

  29. We'll again I am one of these Impossible Black Men (ya know the 80's upgrade to IBM, the I was for intelligent but I see that had to be refreshed) @ 33 degree, no kids lost, 40lbs , in good health. But when in school I noticed sum college attending women either over rated the stud on campus (prolly a loud mouth frat dude) and not even lookin @ the cat whose Major is his Passion, trust you know em when ya see em. In school as much as I love the corp women lots of em rite outta school are boring. At your firm you are still entry level in which you play the corp game version of gettin coffee. Once hired your title and actual task may not come close to what you thought, cue self delusion. I got along with the photo indie chick or dancer that if so can rock heels n sum jeans but she's a photographer or performance artist. I basically checked myself, I still love you corp women but ur world is rigid you hear my back story and yall fear instability is all I'm (or any non corp working man) all about. I say date someone similar but with enough tangible differences say try dating a guy with the same skill sets but in a totally opposite industry, that is if you don't turn that into another "its not a perfect match" excuse. So for me I am going after the artsy yet worldy chick, knows who Gordon Parks is yet doesn't use her knowledege as distance. But I can't deal wit the corp womens inflexibility well then I would say that I'm a filmmaker.But I would say look at the men in arts and sciences but black ppl have always treated us with contempt maybe Obama n Michelle can show em ya can't can't date what's on paper most

  30. @ Dr. J.

    By whose standards (thought provoking conversation?Let me cry and know it’s because I need to, not ’cause I am weak??)? Much of my list is comprised of things I can only know once I get to know you. How can you be certain you have all of that?

    But to answer you, I have everything listed as required on my list, and where appropriate, it's opposite. I don't believe one should request what they can't offer.

    🙂

  31. @ lecanardzero

    No balls or chains. My list is a rough list, and it is based on the things that do it for me. If a man doesnt meet my list, it doesn't mean I can;t have interest, it means that there may be some disconnects in some area's that could mean trouble later.

    Again, I am pro compromise, just not in terms of erosion of character.

    For clarity – Financially Functional for me means he knows how to manage his finances, regardless of what they are, and is taking care of his business. I do this all the time – regardless of my actual income. Secure means he is pretty much protected if something drastic happens, like he loses his job, from his life deteriorating into nothing in a month or so I said what I meant. Anyone in their right mind would prefer someone financially secure. I would prefer to be more financially secure myself.

    Sounds like you just are fed up with anything that references pay, but truth is, at some point in any committed long term relationship, pay matters.

  32. @humble_one

    lol @ C-Span and trader joes. And you likely live in Southfield or Farmington Hills? LOL. I agree degrees do not mean intellectual conversation. Nor does it mean compatibility. I like indie music and seeing the world and conspiracy theory and politics. If rocket science is your thing, we won' connect, LOL.

    Yeah – DC metro area seems to be where to be… For me anyways.

  33. I’d warn many of the ladies about two things:

    1. while it’s important not to ‘wait till thirty’ to set up getting a family and such, I wouldn’t run into it as fast as possible. After all, we have had other SBM posts talking about how the sisters lose any chance at ‘good men’ because they come with kids from their younger days chasing bad men. Right or wrong, when I see (any) woman tell me she has 1-2 kids at home and she’s under 25, that’s an immediate red flag. To a guy with a career/money, previous kids = potential child support (depending on marriage laws by state), baby daddy drama, no time to go on dates/get together, etc etc.

    2. It’s usually a bad…nay horrible idea to give off the vibe that you want to “settle down” because your clock is ticking. Desperation, by either men or women isn’t sexy.

    This kind of attitude is no less exploitative than men who lie, cheat and deceive to get women into bed. It’s sexual exploitation in reverse, the only difference is that for men, the economic penalities are much, much higher.

    No one wants to feel like they are the person who was at the bottom of the priority queue in terms of desirability, i.e. the jocks/rappers/drug dealers get theirs first, and when the damage is done, the professional dude is expected to “settle” when it’s “his turn” (and as per other SBM topics, not go after other women when they are 35+)

    Women hate when they are treated as an object–so do good black men.

  34. To respond to the original issue…

    I am a 25 year old woman and basically in the same situation. I definitely understand your thoughts and feelings.

    I've learned to build my own happiness. I can't wait for someone to come into my life to make me happy. I am enjoying my life right now and trying new things. I am figuring out exactly what makes me happy and pursuing it so that when the right person comes along, they can enhance what I am building.

    Life doesn't always go the way that we planned. Make adjustments and move on. You may not get what you want exactly when you want it, but you will get it eventually if it's meant to be.

  35. I don't want to give yall the impression I don't have my fun(cuz I'm havin a ball) but I've also considered jumpin the broom 2 years back so know I'm not in a rush to settle. But that don't keep me from payin attention to who I let in my life for future reference (to make that mental note about what i do and don't like). So far what I find challenging is finding someone that can answer those intelligent questions and has answers that align with my own views and values (I tried gettin with my opposite and that was hell!). I am afterall looking for a PARTNER. (I'm a taurus, I hate drama…the similar, the BETTER)

    As for all the lip I'm seein bout the degree women work for… it's simple..I WANT MY OWN. Yup I don't like to share and i like to be able to reward myself for my hard work. I like the direction Im headed and I take great pride in MY SUCCESS! I'd love for my man to experience the same pride in his own accomplishments (so it don't matter wtf he do as long as he's proud of what he's done and here he is in life). AND like my mental twin, I love to learn from my man..so find someone driven and passionate bout what they do vs someone w/ no ambition and youll see what i mean!

  36. Whoa. I haven't read the comments. I'm not 24. A bit older. I am recently unemployed. I wrote on my blog today:

    "For all the talk of women working, dudes seem to like the availability and calm of the non-working woman. I’ve found that every single friend I’ve had who was worked, became unemployed then went back to work, had SO’s and husbands that didn’t like their return to the work world very much–at least initially. I think it’s because the non-working women has more time to spend with him. She also is less stressed and rushed. And, she cooks better food."

    When I was in school and working, I was merely going through the motions. I wasn't calm enough to invest sincerely in my relationship. But when I was juggling all three, I thought I was doing great with all three.

  37. Oh I realized I didn't really answer the question. Had a 'back to me' moment. Sorry.

    You aren't lying to this young lady. Having time to sincerely be THERE, in the moment with a dude without subconsciously thinking about your school work, your work, etc. means a whole lot.

    I've always said that I don't know how women do it. If I were to have a husband, kids, and work outside of the home, something would slip. I wouldn't juggle all three balls well all the dayum time. I might be odd because I've never thought I wanted it all. But that's another post.

  38. I read most of the comments and a few people touched on this but often times we want our cake and eat it to. Some women want a man who can cook, a good job, good degree, a lil Ralphie T in him, a lil bit of thug, from the hood, not too ghetto parents, etc. Just alot to be in one person. Also, i think women pass up on some GOOD guys who are looking for the same thing that they are looking for just because they're missing one of the above. I also think my fellow male be on some bullshit and aint ready to grow out of it yet. Don't settle but dont build a wall or a monument, build a bridge instead.

    Dont fret my pet, for all of the black queens out there, a king exists for you, just open your eyes and see it

  39. After reading the post, I am definitely rowing the same boat as The Original. I just turned 24 this month, so I get the whole young, don't be a hurry to settle down thing. I have met a few of the childless, educated black men but they seem to be uninterested in really doing the work that it takes to be in a successful relationship. The fact that in the area I am in there are so few black men of their status seems to make them feel as though meeting standards/reciprocating effort are optional. The statistics are in their favor, so if I don't accept the poor treatment, thoughtlessness and general selfishness, there are 10 women behind me who will just because of who they are.

    It's frustrating and it has the effect of making me feel like there is something wrong with me because I'm not willing to accept any and everything from them silently, with no comment. When I talk about bad treatment I mean: not calling, only trying to communicate with me via texting, not spending time on a regular basis, forgetting my birthday and then going "oh I don't do birthdays" and more serious things of the like.

    So what's a single girl working on her third degree to do… stay single and be patient….I guess….

  40. This is mad funny because the other day I stopped and looked at my life and pondered why I was so unsuccessful when it came to having a real meaningful relationship. It was then I realized that I have an excuse for why I could not go out. I couldn't do lunch because I didn't know where I will be at lunch time. I couldn't go out at night because I had to work on my side project. Then I looked at it all I wasn't giving of the most basic thing, my time to someone who could be the one.

    Loved your blog, I am definitely subscribing.

  41. I hear all of the sisters on this post–it's too bad that good black women pay for the preference systems and nastiness of the rest of the lot during HS, college and in some cases, grad school.

    What's a good sister to do? 1. SCREAMat the rest of the group to wake the heck up EARLIER. 2. ease up on looking for a marriage partner, at least initially, 3. get more creative and find someone who is on the same level (in terms of ur expectations).

    What you don't do is expect spurned brothers to be 'forgiving' and not think about their own pasts–thats not the way to encourage behavior… doing something to *explicitly* show that you are better than the ppl who dissed them in their past lives can go a long way…if anything it would make you unique.

  42. Hmm I think you are leading old girl astray, but not intentionally. At 33 and still quite single with no prospects on the horizon I'll say this. You have a choice to make. What is your heart's desire? If it is to be married and "have a man" be willing to jump through whatever hoops you need to to make that happen. There is nothing wrong with putting your career aspirations on the back burner in order to get a man b/c as the brother says, most men tend to want women who will put them first and don't want to feel like they are "competing" or coming in 2nd to her career. So if what you really want is to be a wife, start investing more time into the man-hunt.

    On the other hand, if your heart's desire is to pursue your dreams (whatever they may be) it may mean that you stay single for a while because there are fewer men out there who are interested in supporting a woman in having her dreams fulfilled if those dreams don't include catering to him first and foremost.

    It doesn't make men bad or wrong, it is simply how our society has socialized us. Men think it makes perfect sense for us to take care of them and that we should be happy to do it. A lot of them don't truly understand the partnership that the women like beautiful distraction and goldensugarplum are talking about.

    They don't get that having a woman in their life who is fulfilled professionally, sexually, emotionally, and spiritually will be much better in the long-run than ending up with a woman who gave up her dreams to "have a man" and slowly becomes resentful and bitter. It's a hard lesson to learn for both parties b/c it usually results in divorce, regret, and anger for both parties.

    You have to choose and then be okay with whatever happens. I have no regrets about the choices I have made and I am confident that the right man is out there for me, I also accept that he may not be black, but he will be attractive (to me) on all levels (physical, emotional,intellectual, and spiritual) and he will treat me the way I want to be treated! He's coming and I can't wait to shower him with all the love and affection I've got just bursting to come out!

  43. a male friend of mine once told me that he doesn't want his woman knowing more than him…based on this post, i guess this holds some truth for other men too…lol.

  44. The note (below) is an example of how some black men really feel about black women. But this kind of feeling (like the one below) is usually because they (some black men) have FAILED at making substantial connections with women period and they usually lack self-esteem, patience, people-skills, originality, and sanity in all they do.

    Here's a real message that I received from a weirdo last week…lol…enjoy:

    I sent that last email yesterday afternoon before I had texted u last night. This will be the last message because u a straight buster. U didn't even know who I was last night when I contacted you wich means u had already deleted my number for no good reason. U had no real intention of ever establishing a friendship. U played around in the beginning and when I called u on it, u flip that shit by acting like I was to serious. I backed off u for a couple of months but didn't trip at the blatant sign of disrespect and inconsiderateness on your part. U should have just been a grown woman and said that u didn't have no rap or that u was not interested in getting better acquainted but u had to be an immature coward. If somebody did this to you u, then u would think them corny. News Flash I think your corny and tacky. U would only had to tell me not to contact u once and that would of been cool with me. I only emailed u because I thought u was affiliated with some thoro people that I know. I don't get at women on-line u clown. Fuck u think I am. U might be halfway cute, book smart, and hold down a good job but u don't know shit about me, men, or relationships. Today’s modern black women is snudy, superficial, insecure, low-self esteem and undomesticated. That's why successful brothers marry anything else but a black bitch. U might be something to dudes that don't know any better but to me, U just a prime example of today’s modern black bitch. Your number has been deleted, profile blocked and deleted. Learn to say what u mean and mean what u say. Treat people the way u want to be treated and go see the wizard for a heart u punk azz broad. U caught me on the right day today baby and u think u different or something special. Negro Please! I have no further comments and I won't read or listen to anything that u have to say or write so don't waste your time and grow the fuck up u poor excuse for a strong black woman. That's my mother fucking word Gonzo! U got me fucked up. I'm not no dam toy. Fuck is u supposed to be u bird ass nigga.

  45. Here's the thing…he got tired of me NOT responding back to his messages or texts so he became the mad-rapper…lol…but, is this how black men tend to feel if a black woman does not respond back to him the way he is expecting?

    i would like to hear from the fellas…

  46. for me its this "the blacker the berry the sweater the juice"
    and i need a smart girl who did study on a random university
    so if you are a skinny black girl with a phD – holler at me!

    btw.: to me the most dark black girls are the most cute

  47. Ladies, if a Black man ever tells you that your ambition, accomplishment, education or efforts at achieving excellence are a hindrance to a relationship with him, you look that fool in the eye and that is when you tell him "thank you for telling me how insecure and selfish you are before I wasted a second of my time on you."

    See, a relationship is a partnership, a joining of energy and power. You are not there to GIVE UP yourself, or make yourself appear to be less on any level, so that he will feel good. He needs to feel good by himself and you feel good by yourself, then two people that feel good come together. But if a man expresses a need for you to be less so that he can feel like more, he is an insecure guy socialized to believe women are here solely to serve him and meet his needs.

    Secondly, young women that have not been married are all glowy eyed and thinking that marriage is the pot at the end of the rainbow. It isn't. If it were, the statistics which show that more than 75% of women in this country file for divorce would not be. Women marry, and their fantasy and expectations are not met, they get sick of being a slave workhorse and taken for granted, then they sky up and leave and get back to the business of self-actualizing.

    So I suggest that you young women do all you can to enjoy yourself and self-actualize now. Don't you dare get pregnant with no fool's baby and get stretch marks and stuck with a kid. Instead, be free! Do what you want to do with whomever you want to do it. Use discretion and don't put your business on blast. Buy property, travel with your friends, party and have a great, great time. When you have absolutely nothing else to do with your time, THEN you get married.

  48. PREACH my sista' preach!…. I'm rolling here at work reading the last comment from Cimone- I agree, as a witness, I too testify!

    How liberating for any one couple/s to celebrate their love with financial freedom and confidence with victory doing the championship dance in the back….( go,go,go- can you feel me!)

    Are my fellow brother's for real? In most relationships, I believe that people desire to have "the one" who reflects the inner beauty, peace of mind coupled with success and happiness! ( please note: non gender roles : equal accountability + responsiblity = success) Social support checks don't provide that… Waiting for the next pay-date for a romantic evening isn't cutting it either….

    To have clean hands- you need one to wash the other. If both parties in a relationship can add to the success and progressive nature of the relationship, all in the name of love..bliss – Ladies, continue to Woman up and men… MAN-UP!

  49. A very interesting Post, I thought I was alone. Anyway the insecurity in guys is really frustrating. I have three degrees and….the rest. So there is this guy that was kinda interested in me…………until he came to visit me in my apartment. The first thing he asked is How much do you pay for this……so I brushed it off………….any way after that he went silent. It was obvious that the visibility of me having my own turned him off.

    I was also told by peole before starting on the PhD that no man would ever be interested in me if i went ahead with the Phd. What i figured was that it was better to be rich and well educated and lonely than poor and lonely after all not all uneducated ladies are married.

    Lastly Ladies there are too many STDs and AIDS going around. Amidst all the "Desperation" some kladies are too scared to ask a guy to either go for an HIV test or use a condom. Your life is worth too much so i suggest that do not compromise your health just to have a man.

  50. Wow… Some of these women have a better chance hitting the lottery than to end up married… And that is okay… Cause being a feminine being actually scares them… And they are afraid to compete… While Men do need to man up… Black females need to start being more feminine… POINT BLANK… I wish y'all well…

    P.S. Women are learning (quick, fast, & in a hurry) the hard way that a relationship with two leaders or 50/50 don't work out as successful… But

  51. Very enlightening As a black man coming with all the baggage associated with usually fitting the description..I say your single because dispite what you’ve learned, true growth is internal won’t be found on no page in a book. Know yourself, becaus up until now you have only been taught about the enemy. And you can’t serve to masters.

  52. Here is an idea: what if the only one who can teach you how to be a black woman is a black man….scary isn’t it? Having to listen to…. him of all people!

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