Make or Break


Scenario 1

Boo’d Up Dude: Yeah man, me and shorty headed to the Caribbean. Lookin’ forward to it.
Concerned Friend: Dude, you know this could be it right?
BUD: What you mean? I’m not bringing a ring with me or anything.
CF: Man, vacations can either be the end or beginning of the heart of the relationship.
BUD: Come to think of it, you may be right. A lot of couples beef before and after trips.
CF: I wish yall the best man. I hope things go okay down there.
BUD: Things are always okay when I go down there…
CF: You perverted Bastard.
BUD: Yep.

Scenario 2

CF2: So you and shorty talkin’ about potentially living together?
BUD: Yeah, we still in a recession man. Gotta save the loot. We get along well though.
CF2: You do know that once you move in together, there’s no turning back right?
BUD: We’ll be aight. We spend a lot of time spooned up as is.
CF2: That’s cool and all, but if yall decide to go back to separate apartments after a year, the relationship is done B.
BUD: Can’t people just be happy for me!?!?!?

There are a lot of things at play that can make or break a relationship. Aside from people slidin’ off or just treatin’ their significant other like sh*t, there are more subtle yet equally as monumental events that can either strengthen the bond or make it dissolve like alka-seltzer. The 2 scenarios I presented above are things that should be “happy events”. Key words for this are “should be”. I used to just think that these things were myths. How could going on a vacation with your boo be a potentially bad thing? How could making an informed decision to move in together backfire? I used to be a young and naive fellow. Then I started consulting and playing therapists for family members and friends. It was at that point that I realized the perils of each situation.

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Vacations: Too Much Quality Time?

Many of us have been on vacations with our boos. I’m talkin about happy vacations where we go and take cute pics to put up on Facebook, Myspace, or Twitter. The type of pics that will have shorty and her girls saying “awwww” and his boys sayin’ “you are one poptart arse negro!” Yes, you know exactly what I’m talking. Vacations are supposed to be a time to relax and enjoy each other’s company. But honestly, when you’re on an island or resort with that same person for hours upon hours without a real excuse to get away, this dramatically increases the opportunity for OD deep talk and arguments. Sometimes we don’t see the true someone until they are completely relaxed. A vacation is one of the ideal times for someone to relax and let the real them shine through.

Movin’ On In

This one may be a bit more obvious, but moving in with the boo seems great on the surface even though it can prevent major obstacles down the road. Once yall move in together, you really can’t go back to gettin’ your own places if things don’t work out. If yall can’t resolve your issues and continue to renew the lease, the relationship def won’t be renewed. I never been through this one, but it seems to be one of those unsaid things.

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So for today, what do yall think? Are vacations and shacking up really make or break situations or can a couple recover? Are there any other major or events or situations that can seal the deal? And lastly, what are your stories? Have any of the readers here shacked up and broke up or went on vacation and ended up crappier than when you started? Let’s discuss.

Tentatively taking romatic trips,

slim jackson


  1. I definitely second the vacation theory. Me and my boyfriend went on spring break with my girl and her man (his mom had a timeshare at this niiice resort in Orlando). Anyway, they were one of those constantly bickering type couples, and we tried to give them benefit of the doubt. Some people just play fight for the make up lovin', you know?

    Anyway, me and my boyfriend are being our normal, lovey-dovey selves. Halfway through the week the boys decided to make breakfast so I came up behind my boyfriend, put my arms around his waist and kissed him on the neck, then went back to the couch thinking nothing of it. Her boyfriend says "Why can't I get a hug like that?" Her response is something along the lines of "N***a, you get yours behind closed doors! And PeachyKeen, you ain't about to f*** up my relationship!"

    Oh Lord…six months later they had broken up.

  2. First off, great post. This is a topic that many of us don't want to discuss because it seems invasive. The truth is, when you're on the inside you don't see it. Even if you've been on the outside looking in before, once you're in, you're immediately blinded.

    With regards to vacations, they're inevitable during long-term relationships. I've been on several and have had experiences where arguments broke out for no reason or where something had changed slightly when we returned that sparked a conflict. My best advice would be to plan the vacation beforehand even if the plan is to not have a plan. If you're going to Rome, obviously you're going to want to see the sights so that should be in the plan and both of you should agree to that. If you're going to an island chances are that drinking, sex, and relaxation are the plans. Make sure you both know that beforehand. In short, when you go on vacation with your significant, don't make shit up as you go. Plan plan plan and stick to it.

    As far as moving in together, I think its a bad idea unless you're engaged to be married. I've never been married but I've spent enough time around married people. EMBRACE YOUR SPACE BEFORE MARRIAGE. My friends would say to me, "you live with some now!". Not true. I have a girl who has her own house and I have an apt. and she stays at my place 95% of the time. When you're in a relationship, you spend a lot of time together whether its at your place or theirs. Thats a fact. We don't share any bills, so there's one argument out the window. And its my place, so no one can tell me shit about it. But if things don't work out or she wants to chill with her girls, she always has her own place. Point is, don't share bills with someone you're not engaged to or married to. Bad idea. If you want to save money, stop buying bottles.

    -H. Charles

  3. Good topic. The only issue I ever had with a vacation–is when I've gone on them alone and come back and the guy I was seeing at the time acted jealous. He had the opportunity to go, but he didn't take off. As that old saying goes, "one monkey don't stop the show" because I still went and had a great time. As I think about it, this same guy was jealous when I bought my house, etc. Its like he was always trying to be in competition with me.

  4. Re: Vacation – I don't know, i'm good for going on vacation with a chick. But I would say that like you have to not spend every waking moment with each other. If you are in Vegas, let her go to a show, while you gamble. If you are in Miami, let her go to a spa treatment or something while you hang out by the pool.

    Re: Moving In – To each their own. Different strokes for different folks. I know couples who move in and have no plans to get married anytime soon and it works out fine. I would suggest that you don't BUY with someone else, but if you want to save money on rent.

    I mean real talk people have to be honest with themselves. We all got friends who be borderline with each other every damn minute anyway. I would recommend that you have one additional bedroom so that you can have space when you need it, but I don't see this as that bad.

  5. Anytime I've opted to "go somewhere" with someone during the initial stages of dating, it never turns out good. I know…here comes CPT with these stories again…but it's true. I've never been on a vacation with a chick…ever! I know what will ensue if I actually agreed which is why I'm waiting to find someone true to me and vice versa. The last thing I need is to go on vacation with a woman only to hear "I dont' think this is going to work." I can stay at home for all that shyt. Living with a chick is a non-option right now too. I like my personal space a lot and unless she is a congruent part of my whole lifestyle, I opt to be alone.

  6. moving in together? before marriage? even in a recession? can't even fathom it. i'm sorry i just can't the co-habitation thing. moms and pops didn't raise me like that and no good can come from it imo.

    the vacation thing isn't so bad imo. people fight/argue in relationships period. what would make a vacation any different? because you're out of you're comfort zone. yea right. plus make up sex on a tropical island has to be the best. lol

  7. Hello All!! Well I'm a 25 yr old woman and I dated a guy for three years. During the 2.5 mark we moved in together– the worst mistake of my life. We spoke about plans to marry and have kids down the road BEFORE moving in together. That was the plan and the only reason why I agreed to cohabitate. Long story short, as the time came around to either renew the lease or move somewhere else…we broke up. He decides he doesn't want kids in the next five years..and marriage may come down the road…someday. Yea…I wasn't going to wait on a "someday." I wouldn't advise anyone to move in together unles you are married. No matter how much I fall in love again…shaking is something that I WILL NEVER EVER DO AGAIN.

    Did I mention he moved out before the lease was up and left me with the rent and bills??? Yea…that's another story.

  8. @Honey,

    The moving out before the lease was up is reckless. That's a real lame move. They do say that you don't know someone until you live with them. And for whatever reason, this co-habitation issue seems to be more of a thing with black/latino folks. Any reason for that?

  9. Vacations can be a serious W. I'm not mad at those at all. Now, moving in before marriage is a no-no. Especially in these times. Thats a recipe for disaster

  10. Ill add 2 pointers to both

    Moving in: I will never tell anyone its a bad idea to move in with a woman. Now, with that being said, I will strongly advise all you young brothas NOT TO GET MARRIED. but yall trippin. that movin in together is the fun shit like mom and dad had in the 70's. You live together and have no kids, but still get to have fun together because you have less pressure and anxiety with bills and all. you can make better financial moves because you have 2 incomes. you can get more schooling done, more housework done.
    oh and here is the kicker. she will have KEEPING YOU in the back of her mind at all times. so she will actually be on good behavior, in fact BETTER behavior than if you lived separate or was married.

    I lived with this chick last year for about 6 weeks and it was all kinds of "bake you some cookies", oh you can put on the ballgame I dont mind, and wake you up with a blowjob type stuff.
    Marriage is better than dating , but living together is better than marriage in 80% of cases I would say.
    this whole "what if it dont work out" thing is something id expect a bunch of white dudes to talk about. We black men. if it dont work out, then you go back into the dating pool. have you guys SEEN THE MIDDLE CLASS BLACK MALE TO BLACK FEMALE RATIO??
    yo cuzins, theres so many fine sistas on the market that you can take the risk moving in with one. I would rather move in with a chick and find out QUICKER…. than let it drag out and have some shit i didnt know be swept under the rug for a long time. #1 problem with a woman is never likes and dislikes or breast size or even sexual skill…. its that bitch bein crazy or spending too much. you will never know this til u live with her.

    pfft. I was with a woman from age 19-30. we took TWO non business vacations together, ever.
    in my opinion celebrate together. (honey lets go to hedonism for our anniversary)
    but vacation seperate. in most cases, you will beef either before, or after and when a woman wants to relax and have a "perfect get away" a brotha fukin up her plans lingers in her memories.

  11. I think moving in is more of an issue for blacks and Latinos because there is more of a religious element. Especially with all the relationship problems you hear about in the black community, as a female especially your parents will feel as if he won't buy the cow because he's getting the milk for free. With my white friends, living together seems to be much more about cutting down costs than love, and there's no stigma attached to it.

  12. @H Charles

    "First off, great post. This is a topic that many of us don’t want to discuss because it seems invasive."

    It seems that turned out to be the case Ah well, can't win 'em all.

  13. My beloved wingman is living out this exact blog right now. Sigh. So I've had to bench him, in favor of recruiting another. But yes it is a precarious situation to be in.


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