Home Dating & Relationships Women's Relationship Advice The Get Over It Series: You’re single and it’s your fault

The Get Over It Series: You’re single and it’s your fault

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In this life, there are some things that we will have to get over, double standards are one of them and stubborness is another.  In the next few weeks, i’m going to dive into these topics, and present to you and inside, fly on the wall view of what men think about you.  Honestly, I know several single men who will say, “I got to pick a wife out of this bunch?  I’m good, i’ll just rock it solo for now.”

1) You’re stubborn, you start every conversation with what you aren’t going to do.  You think you can do and say whatever you want to do and men are just going to have to put up with it.

Most, if not all men, hate when they go on a date and get hit with a list of requirements and rules.  Perhaps the most popular is, “I’m not having sex until i’m in a relationship.”  However, there is a long list of things that women start their conversations off with that will turn a man off right away.  Let me give you ladies some advice, you need to figure out what comes out of your mouth that will probably piss a guy off.  Saying things like, “I’m just not into giving head like that,” I hate to admit this, but keep that to yourself until later.  “I don’t call guys, they have to call me,” that’s just stupid.  My basic advice here is that what you will want to do is keep the decisions you’ve made about future relationships completely mute unless asked.  It’s just a big turnoff to a guy to hear that the woman he is seeing is already dictating what the rules of a non-existent relationship are.  And rules are wack.

See Also:  #300Sandwiches Lady Gets Engaged 256 Sandwiches Later

2) You have this “i’m fine” attitude problem, you’ll have to understand that you need to be constantly improving yourself.  And sometimes that means taking away some things about yourself that don’t help you reach your goal.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said, “I’m not changing for nobody.”  I’d be a rich man.  However, ladies if you are single, and you can’t seem to find a man, or your past relationships haven’t turned out healthy or good, it’s probably time to look in the mirror.  It’s time to start evaluating what’s working and what’s not working.  I know it sounds nice to say, “A man is going to love me for me.”  But wait… this is a secret… He won’t.  Ladies, you have that friend, don’t front, that friend who has gained a few pounds in the last few years and you didn’t say anything, and she can’t seem to get a man… look I said, don’t front.  You need to tell her, no man is going to love you for you, lose some weight, or at least make an attempt.  You have a friend who cusses too much.  While Dr. J does not mind a woman who cusses, excessive unnecessary cussing is a turnoff to most men.  If you must end your sentences with the unnecessary “shit” or every female you know is a “bitch” or every man you know is a “n*gga,” example: “Then this b*tch thinks she’s slick, she rolls up on my n*gga, and I had to tell the b*tch, nah f*ck you and that lazy ass trifling n*gga….. sheeee*t,” YOU NEED TO CHANGE SOME ISH ABOUT YOURSELF.  I think you guys know where i’m going with this one.

See Also:  The Get Over It Series: The Wizard of Oz

3) You think every dude is out to get you, obviously they aren’t…..

I had to sit and think about if I really wanted to step into this bee’s nest.  To be quite honest, it’s nothing worse than a man/woman with no confidence.  Actually there is, someone who has no evidence, rhyme or reason for the confidence they tote.  I mean, when I hear that some chick thinks she’s the baddest girl on the block, but she’s single, i’m seriously confused.  Ladies you know you got that one girl, who be in the club, who think every dude in the club is looking at her, and they not… be real, let her know.  I know that some women choose to be single, sometimes they don’t want to be in a relationship, but don’t let me hear that your reason why you are not in a relationship is because every dude is out to take advantage of you, or he’s just trying to get in your pants.  That’s not true, because if that was the case then one of these good men would be trying to get in your pants and it’s obvious he ain’t if you are SINGLE.

In conclusion, am I deploying a bootstrapping method to dating? Well yes and no.  I just don’t think that when women sit around trying to figure out why they’re single that they should talk about the men.  They need to be looking in the mirror, both figuratively and literally, and asking what’s wrong with themselves.  I know it’s all important to have self-esteem, but if you can’t tell that there’s something wrong with you, or an area for improvement, well then you must be ready for heaven.  Don’t blame others for your misfortune until you have exhausted all the possibilities on your side.  There are other women in relationships so it can be done.  Be real with yourself, go talk to those women, and if you don’t have anything in common with them, take out a pen and pad and get to work.

See Also:  Why Women Fail To Get Asked Out On Dates

This is brought to you by the Get Over It Series, don’t try to flip this back on men, it’s about women, not men.  “It’s a thousand you’s it’s only one of me.” – Kanye West

SMB readers, I open the floor to you.  What do you think?  Gentlemen do you agree?  Be real, son.  Ladies, are you fighting change?  Prefer to think you’re perfect?

— Dr. J

Comment(51)

  1. haha wow you got me with every single one im not gonna front uhh yeah except that last one not so much..
    but i know im not perfect but maybe its the stubborn in me but i honestly dont think im that far off and if i got to accept a flawed dude i mean why cant he accept me too and love me for me its not like he's the only one putting up with me ; like he's so perfect.

    hmm.. but its something to take into consideration though..

  2. hmmmm I think the reasons that I am single do not fit into any of these categories that is not to say that I have not observed all of these female failings, Personally I feel I am the anti-all of these things which comes along with its own backlash…… THoughts Jackson?? hmmmm but ahhhhh I hate hate hate hate hate hateeeeee girls and men for that matter who think they are the shit/so fine/think they have so many "haters" for no reason. Like just because your momma told you were fine and when you walk down the street in a dress with cleavage construction workers holla or what ever random dude you are not the shit.

  3. The Heavens shall open and the 4th Horseman will ride through the clouds. He will descend from the sky and announce to the world "you know you done f*cked up right?"

    LOL

    Excellent Post. I think some reasons are more intricate but this is a great overall blanket mission statement. Eager to see responses

  4. This list is funny, but I don’t really know any single women who are single bc of these reasons. Well, maybe one, but with myself and my other single friends, I think we have just been dealing with the wrong men. The reason why we repeat that cycle is beyond me, and I have been trying to figure this out and change my approach for years.

    Also, I don’t think it is that bad to be single. I feel more free, I don’t have to live up to anyone’s standards. My ex would nag me about EVERYTHING, my clothes, the food I ate (and I eat pretty healthily), my approach towards life, etc. I felt like I was living in a box, his box. He had planned that once we were married and had kids, I would not work and all this other stuff. I just felt like he constantly picked at me, but I accepted him the way he was b/c I cared about him so the little things didn’t matter. I don’t know if I can do that again, I think I am emotionally spent on trying to please a man. So as for #2, on your list, I will have to pass and stay single if that means I have to change for a man who is not doing the same in his life and live in a box he that created for me.

  5. Overall I totally agree with this post, though the reasons listed are very broad. The stubborness can truly get in the way.

    I am a young woman in a relationship and I can attest that I have a couple of single friends, who ain't had a man in a LONG time, but you can't tell them its because of the woman in the mirror. They have a list a mile long of their expectations of a man, from the time he first says hello until he gets down on one knee. I also have to say AMEN to the "i'm fine attitude problem". We are too young (late 20's) to be overweight and aint even gave birth to no babies yet. A man is gonna look at you and think "damn, how heavy will she be in another 10-15 years". Straight up.

  6. Interesting post with a lot of good points, Dr. J. But, as you know, the federal government pays me a monthly stipend to disagree with you. On that note:

    – Who the hell made the decision that dating now needs crisis management? Times have changed, marriage rates have changed, people have *not* changed. Only expectations. Skeezers and manwhores existed in 1950, they just had more style with it.

    – Why are women in general, and Black women in particular, seen as the "victims" of this crisis? A single Black woman is not a tragedy. Black women are doing a lot to improve ourselves. Maybe it's just my area, but the gym and salons are full of sistas getting their act together in the looks department. HBCUs are full of sistas getting their education on. Churches are full of sistas praying for a man. The bookshelves, newspaper stands, e-magazines and blogs are CHOCK FULL of advice for sistas to make ourselves more attractive to Black men. Teeth Harvey can put his great grandkids through law school on book sales alone. And usually, this advice focuses on what's wrong with Black women. The lecture is as overbearing as it is confused: We can't find a good man because we're too busy chasing thugs and at the same time we can't find a good man because we think too much of ourselves and our standards are too high. As another blogger put it: which is it, men? Standards too high or standards nonexistent?

    Now, I can certainly concede that the attitudes you mention exist, and should certainly be addressed by men (because most women will listen to a man before another woman any day of the week.) Self reflection is an ongoing process, and needs to happen on both sides of the fence. But if you think that single women don't look in the mirror after (yet another) failed relationship or wack date and say, "Is it me? What's wrong with me?" then you need to seriously rethink your position. There are whole industries (beauty, diet, self help)that rely on nothing more than the insecurity of women for profit, and they make billions. Our insecurities have been capitalized on for quite some time.

    Despite the trash talking, Black women have remained in the Black man's corner. Yes, even the woman who says, "Black men ain't sh*t!" is rooting for you. She's just mad as hell. So my question is, Are YOU rooting for US? Are your expecations realistic? Or are you looking for a woman with Beyonce's looks, Michelle Obama's resume, Karine Steffans bedroom skills and the humbleness of Mother Theresa? Hint fellas: this broad does not exist.

    I know I'm getting deep on the white man's time, but you Black Men are SUPPOSED to be at the head of this ship. And many (not all) of you have been slipping on the job for a long time. So why continue to chastise the crew? You can't blame all the body's ailments on the rib. How many of you have guys you know with kids they don't see or support? Friends who lie and dog women out? Dudes from the neighborhood who you're still cool with but are not about anything? That dude who crows happily that he "just don't mess wit black broads anymore"? Don't you think that eventually these men will reflect on you? Before you talk to me, talk to them – THESE are the people you should call out, not the never-ending chin check of the few women who have their priorities mixed up.

    I'm on a rant, and I apologize. But there seems to be a growing chorus of people who use their public forum to freely criticize Black women. It's like the topic du jour. I, for one, am quite tired of it. For every single Black woman seen as a casualty of her own self esteem and standards there is a Black man in jail or on the corner, and even in your office who is a real casualty. I think standards are essential. No, we are not perfect. That doesn't mean you can piss on my leg and call it sunny day rain. You need us just as much as we need you. Try lifting us up every once and a while, the way many of us have done (and continue to do) for you.

    Peace – Anna

  7. this list is on point especially number three. i can't stand women who think every dude is trying to holla. i remember one time i was in the club and i tapped this girl on the shoulder. she turned around with the "n*gga don't try to holla at me" attitude. i was only trying to tell her that she had toilet paper stuck under her heel. i bet she felt embarrased.

    good post.

  8. Interesting list. I agree with most of your points. However why did you omit some of the issues men have that have put women on the defensive? Women, you can win at the dating game is you properly vet the man you are interested in. If he shows undesirable characteristics in his personality or lacks basic respect leave him along. As a woman you dictate how a man treats you based on your behavior. Remember that.

  9. @ Anna N; PREACH!

    I can only speak for myself and my (few but very close)friends; we are constantly on the self-improvement tip. We keep our attitudes in check (this one was especially hard for me), remain humble and treat our bodies as the temple God intended it to be. The one conclusion that we've come to is that with all this self-improvement, we some how lost our way and our opportunity. Let me clarify. We are a holders of advanced degrees and now closer to 30 than 20. We were mistaken that said advanced degrees would be one more magnet in attracting our a viable partner. We were wrong. I think you're wrong as well. I see far more girls with the attitude, with the unwarranted ego, with the spare tire around the waist with the guy. We also she the girl that can't string together a sentence with out the use of ebonics (is that even used any more) with the guy. I haven't figured out the formular to becoming un-single (and I'm not stressing my status but am aware) but I know your points fit an infantismally small percentage of single women I know. Then again, the one observation I have made is that the women you described are the ones that I get passed over for.

  10. @Anna N.- Amen to that!

    Some people may get angry at me for this, but for every black woman who has her self together there are multiple black men who do not. On average black women are more educated, make more money, attend church more, take care of our children more, take care of our families, respectful, etc. So I don't understand why the focus is always on us and why does the focus always has to be based on negative stereotypes because if black men want to start counting, black women can start counting too.

  11. Heh heh heh. This has been hashed and rehashed over and over so many times but it's still fun. like playing Duck Hunt on Nintendo or something. The key point was #2: look in the mirror. And it's applicable to both sexes. There's an old saying that "when it's always everyone else, then it's you." People wrap themselves up in these minor trifles and call it a personality. Like if you change the worst qualities about you, that's somehow not "being true to yourself." I mean, personally, "me" is flip flops, ripped jeans, and a wifebeater. Probably with some grease stains from just changing my oil. That's where I'm really comfortable. But since "me" wants to have a nice-paying job and keep the lights on, "me" has learned to get comfortable in a 2-button pinstriped Zegna suit. It doesn't mean "me" isn't "me" anymore, it just means I'm being proactive in giving myself the best opportunities.

  12. I co-sign this to the Nth power!!!! I think that this post is excellent. I feel like I have missed so much, gotta catch up for sure. Okay, I think that most women used these excuses as a defense mechanism to try and gas themselves up and make themselves feel better about being single because in actuality, they really want to be with someone and they don't know how to approach the situation openly and honestly. Instead,they constantly ride the fence between wanting to get out there and looking desparate and thirsty for a man. Some women can't find that balance so they just put these guards up that "errbody want me", "I don't do this that and the other, you have to do all these things to get me" and "I am perfect at my 300lb fine self and he just need to accept that there is just more to love".
    I'm personally not fighting change as I see change and growth as a good thing. I mean, once I am blessed with a man in my life, I want to keep changing and growing so that we can keep things fresh. I am never too good or too perfect to make myself better. Once women who suffer from these issues begin to start conversing with that chick in the mirror, hopefully they will see the error of their ways.

  13. This part wasn't supposed to be striked out…lol ► I’m personally not fighting change as I see change and growth as a good thing. I mean, once I am blessed with a man in my life, I want to keep changing and growing so that we can keep things fresh. I am never too good or too perfect to make myself better. Once women who suffer from these issues begin to start conversing with that chick in the mirror, hopefully they will see the error of their ways.

  14. Ladies,

    I would encourage all of you to expand your dating options to the global community instead of just limiting yourself to just Black men. There are tons of quality guys out there who will love and respect you if you give them the chance. It's not about settling, but increasing your chances of finding a high quality mate. In most communities, a woman who is educated is valued. The men I know who are educated and well off don't want an idiot for a wife. If the Black women who are on point start expanding their dating options, these silly discussions wouldn't come up. However it's really up to you. Don't allow the criticism of a fragmented community stop you from achieving happiness. What irritates me is that when these types of discussions about love and dating come up, it’s usually about how flawed the Black woman is and what SHE needs to do to win a man over. Forgive me for sounding arrogant but if you look at the facts, its Black men who need to get their act together. Nevertheless I don’t get caught up emotionally in these types of discussions because at the end of the day, I date quality guys in and outside of the Black community. I think other Black women should start doing so as well.

  15. Global COmment – I did not intend this post for those women who are not upset they are single, or who actually desire to be single. Just a point of reference.

    @ Remi – "I think we have just been dealing with the wrong men"… Didn't Katt Williams say something about this? Figure out what about you is attracting these types of guys.

    @ Anna – Can you just write my next post for me? Geez, i'm reading your post on my post for thirty minutes! No but for real real talk, what's your email? I like your POV on the subject. EVEN though we ain't talking about men right now, we talking about women.

  16. Dr. J,

    My comment was meant for women who are upset that they are single. These women need to expand their options. It's not just them or what they need fix about themselves, it's what's avaliable in the dating pool within the Black community.

  17. Also I wonder why do some men bring up sex within the first few days. To me that shows lack of class and character development. Does your life revolve around sex and orgasms or do you have other interesting hobbies besides getting laid? I don't see any reasonable woman discussing her sex life of nowhere unless she was asked. I think some Black men need to go back and get retrained on how to properly court a woman.

  18. @Dr J – "@ Remi – 'I think we have just been dealing with the wrong men'… Didn’t Katt Williams say something about this? Figure out what about you is attracting these types of guys."

    No offense, but obviously, that was the only line in my comment that you read bc you just repeated what I said in the very next line of my comment…

  19. No I read it. I just laughed at that part. Because it was definitely spoken about in a Katt standup.

    I actually read… not saying any names, but if you look at all these comments on men this and that…

    "This is brought to you by the Get Over It Series, don’t try to flip this back on men, it’s about women, not men. “It’s a thousand you’s it’s only one of me.” – Kanye West"

    I actually have written several blogs on the things that guys do that don't help the situation, but I purposely left that out for this series. Trust me, this is going to be like revival over the next few weeks.

  20. Wow – I go to one meeting and y'all get busy on here, lol.

    @ Muse: Some of my best dating experiences were with non-American men. The current boo was born and raised in the US, but both his parents are Haitian. All his male cousins are hardworking, handsome….and married. And yes, I think some of the courting that men used to do has gone out the window, and that's a shame. There has to be some happy medium between asking my dad if you can date me and "psssst! You wit da fat azz! Come here!"

    @ Dr J: You bring the writer out of me, bruh. What can I say? You can hit me up at [email protected]. My head is full of opinions on the subject, especially since I'm a little older. Not cougar older, but older, lol.

  21. Wow @ Anna.
    I felt you girl!

    "No, we are not perfect. That doesn’t mean you can piss on my leg and call it sunny day rain. You need us just as much as we need you. Try lifting us up every once and a while, the way many of us have done (and continue to do) for you."

  22. Great post – I definitely agree with the overall tone. Worry about improving yourself and stop placing the blame on other people. However, I think that women totally pick themselves apart and (regardless of what they/we are saying) we DO point the finger at ourselves. Women keep self-help books in business. Steve Harvey is a NY Times best-seller based solely on telling women how to fix themselves …

  23. Well I was one of those get his act together men-dropped out at 17 and went straight for his GED then to college.

    What a mistake that was.

    For a while school was okay but then I found socially I couldnt compete with the men with cable gigs, cheap credit and cars.

    Here I was paying $3oo for books why Ms Valedictorian and her various classwomen were getting picked up by their man in his ride. And these were not the birds these were the good women.

    I went after this one chick from East Flatbush-a PhD student she was so wishy washy about giving me time and then one day she just told me she was in love with the wrong man. Of course he was older, to him college was for geeks, nerds and pu$$ies. What was happening (to her and so many of the black women I dated or met at NYU) is the bullish romance of She getting an advanced degree and her man "holding it down" with his gritty blue collar-ish job was getting old…FAST.

    But it was far better than dating me. It took 3 schools and ten yrs on 8.50 an hour to get out of school. I-did the worst thing a black man can do no not get a woman pregnant and bail-I moved back in with Mom dukes. On so many dates that were going somewhere they died once this bit of info got out. Despite that I wasnt lying about my cars, that I had no kids and I know what I want to do with myself it was still not enough. There was no ease in dealing with me. Those men were convenient, I was not.

    In school I studied film and if you dont know filmmakers and we STAY BUSY. I worked during the day class, at night then home or to the lab to work on a film, unlike blue collar dude, (or the guy my age that only got his BA way back in the mid 90's- but since has done 0, and now his sword is as sharp as butter knife) I just didnt have time in the middle of the week to just kick it. I would be told how much I had it going on until asked who or where I lived and East New York is NOT A TRENDY PART OF BROOKLYN (3 dudes got shot on my block last Friday).

    As long as I got compared to the guy that at 21 only cared about disposable income and his ride I couldnt stand toe to toe. The women dealing with these men claimed they wanted stability but are dating a guy that only got what he has thru "sub priming" his ENTIRE lifestyle or using his degree to get what his heart and confidence cant.

    That explains why those men never take it to the "next level" he really aint got the heart to tell you that he can make the bottles pop-lace you in the latest lingerie-take you out to a fairly hi end restaurant and of course lay the D right I mean he aint STUPID.

    But he aint progressive neither, like Chris Rock said he's C+, 500 avg, but these days "Bums" can make good money and fool even the best of us and this guy is no different. But the house in the burbs, getting to the good life using intellectual skills and analytical reasoning and making calculated and cunning risk? No he doesnt know how or cant admit he is actually not "all that". Hell he dont even know how to hook the LCD hi def set he needlessly brought (and then sold it it last yr cuz it was KILLING the electric bill plus yea that cable bill is way too hi and Girlfriend was paying "his bill").

    I have heard how women dont want to bothered by the cat that is in the good struggle since they can do bad fa dolo-but then why choose Mr Disposable Income (even if he has a degree it doesnt count if you two didnt support one another while trying to get it)?

    It seems our base default position is: Women run from the guy that shows any sign of a struggle and Men avoid any real responsibilities beyond sex and looks. We all know how you ladies will keep a C+ Man around with an A+ bed game which means he must be around you often and dreams dont get obtained in the bedroom or mindless dates to hear and there. Lots of successful couple RARELY see one another, and if you want someone to compliment you well thats a possibility.

    As of now I am looking to date actresses or entertainment lawyers, chicks into photography or the Arts in general. Women I know will be as busy and on the grind with me- not some ghetto romance-where its always one of us is so lucky to have the other (better) one as a mate. When you go after ppl as progressive as you are you then realize that they aint avoiding time or calls the are busy -like you chasing a dream.

    In the end I am out of school-own my company (heres the link to my film you mite have to copy and paste into your url, I am listed as the editor and Assit Director :http://www.imdb.com/video). /wab/vi2242052889/) and I just did the BK Hip Hop Fest (enyfilms/myspace or tempsoner/youtube) and I covered The Roots t the Highline Ballroom in NYC.

    We all know NOW whats become of Mr Suv and his sub prime balla boys-I still dont see how a young man with a car and some money connotes stability but me being in college and yes living with his moms is shaky-NOTHING least forever. Last I have several young black and married friends all the men have one thing in common-A PLAN. The women complaining seemed to date men who had no plan-but he had "stuff" though. Again the issue is two fold-there are TONS of these simp ni99as whose only ambition is CAR and PU$$Y. But hey its summer-wall to wall sun, the season where even being broke or plain fronting is harder to see and therefor not a hinderance. I wouldnt want to be a young women trying to figure out the guys like me from the frauds but as a I guy I feel like men like me stand out or at least dont draw the negative attention our way.

    At the clubs I only buy beer or a shot of JD for me-phuck a bottle!!!

  24. I think women (of all races, but esp. black women) need to think about the following question: "Am I making the idea of a committed relationship/ marriage/ kids appealing to a good black man?"

    For most black women it seems, the idea of even asking that question sounds as incomprehensible as reading old english.

    But then again, if men are afraid to committ, have kids or whatever
    (a recent Black in America CNN article talked about this), then there's an obvious answer: The idea of marriage/ settling down seems painful, unuseful (to men) and unlikely to bring anything positive to their lives.

    For example, how much of a marketing campaign is it to men when the woman they are dating makes trillions of demands (while not holding themselves to any standards) within the first 3-4 dates, including rules formed from her bad past dating decisions?

    What about the idea (as per Dr J's point 1) that black women proudly declare that their men have to know how to take their "sassing" or "misbehaving?" What professional brother wants to settle down to being treated like he's in 5th grade and has to "just take it?"

    If you want to know why men don't do what you want, ask yourself if you are actually INCENTIVIZING them to do what you ask. Moralistic talk doesn't convince people–self-interest does.

  25. To Anna, see I think the problem is that black women it seems (almost) always assume that they are making themselves completely available as a viable dating population.

    I can't count how many times other brothers (who would meet every definition of desirable except maybe the existence of a criminal record and thug-like swagger) yell and complain that the sisters just don't want them.

    I'd like to see black women admit to the fact that they aren't openly available to ALL good black men. The distribution isn't evenly distributed. When having a "Swagger" or a "ruffneck" look (mc lyte song) is a precondition for getting on a black woman before your are 30, then surprise, surprise, you don't find black men waiting for their turn to marry you.

    Another example:most sisters I meet swear that I "have to be gay" SOLELY of the voice I have (I wish I was kidding) and hence never return my phone calls or attempts at contacting them. End result: I've given up hollering at black women almost entirely–why date a group that equates super-politeness/intelligence with being on the "down low?" No sister (or woman) is worth vocal cord surgery to holler at. What a waste of time when I have other options of different races asking me to invite them over..

    I mean how many posts on SBM do we see talking about how sisters have a time delay problem in being available to the black men they eventually want to settle down with?

    If you want a good black man, stop complaining there isn't an available population. Maybe there isn't one who is 'street enough,' and has multiple ivy degrees, an 8 pack, a 6 figure salary AND can act like a parolee in bed. But then again, not all the sisters are Halle Berry lookalikes with million dollar bank accounts either.

    And waiting until after high school, college, and the end of your 20s is FAR TOO LATE to try to snatch up the brother who other sisters called "white boy" or "lacking edge." Y

    You gotta work faster ladies, you can't afford bad dating decisions early in life and expect a good brother to be ready to commit. Look in the mirror and take responsibility for your dating choices.

  26. Hmmm where to wade in with a minimum of commentary.

    The view from 5000 feet (new buzz phrase at work, I love it) is there seems to be a high level of distrust. Black women are checkin for the dude strugglin and black men are tryin to beat and then move on.

    A large part of the problem is you (singular). We are our own worst problem. We have a problem, situation one time and then generalize it to the entire population. I work hard on not doin that, but I still fail and I'm not singlay any more.

    For all the doom and gloom there is still a good percentage of black on black marriage. Some balancing will be necessary and readjustment. Women go make the bacon too now, but don't let that go to your head.

    And this "I don't need" is complete and utter BS. Humans are by nature social creatures. It's hardwired into us so take a deep breath and lower your self importance.

    After a string of bad dates, relationships, etc. at some point the problem has to be YOU (singular). Everyone else can't be wrong all the time.

  27. BOTH BLACK MEN AND WOMEN ARE HAVING TROUBLE FINDING GOOD PARTNERS. THIS ARTICLE HAPPENS TO BE FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF SOME BLACK MALES.

    FIRST THING WE SHOULD REMEMBER IS THAT BOTH SEXES COME OUT OF THE WOMB OF A WOMAN. SO WOMEN SHOULD NOT DISTANCE THEMSELVES FROM MEN AS IF MEN ARE SOME OTHER SPECIES.

    ONE OF THE MAJOR ISSUES THAT HASN'T BEEN ADDRESSED IS THE AMOUNT OF WOMEN WHO BELIEVE THAT THE CHURCH IS A SACRED PLACE WHEN THEY'RE ONLY GETTING PIMPED OUT. THIS IS PART OF THE SELF DECEPTION A LOT OF BLACK WOMEN HAVE WHEN THEY'RE SOULS ARE BEING OPENED UP AND THEY'RE POURING THEIR WALLETS AND SOULS AT THE FEET OF THEIR PASTOR'S CONVEYANCE OF THE "WORD".

    THE CHURCH IS A NON-PROFIT BANK. THAT'S IT, NO MORE NO LESS. WHY AREN'T THEY CREATING JOBS AND INDUSTRY WITH THE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS THEY RECEIVE??? THINK ABOUT IT.

    THE SAME WAY PEOPLE HAVE FALLEN FOR THE SUB-PRIME LOANS, THEY'RE GOING TO SEE THE RESIDUALS OF THE GREATEST SCAM IN HUMAN HISTORY. THE CHURCH IS GOING TO GET IT'S WIG PUSHED BACK AND BLACK WOMEN AND THE GAY CHOIR DIRECTORS WILL DISCOVER THAT THEY'VE BEEN WORSHIPPING HOMOSEXUAL, PERVERTED, MONEY HUNGRY, POWER HUNGRY MANIPULATIVE MEN, AND ALL THEY HAVE TO SHOW FOR IT IS A FEEL GOOD TIME ONE DAY OF THE WEEK. HAVING CROWDS OF FOLLOWERS IN THE SAME ROOM MEANS SOMEONE IS NOT THINKING. THAT'S HOW CONTROL IS OBTAINED AND WHY MASS IS CALLED MASS. PEOPLE ATTRACT PEOPLE. THIS IS BASIC PSYCHOLOGY FOLKS.

    SECOND, YOU ARE NOT A GOOD WOMAN OR ARE READY FOR MARRIAGE JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A DEGREE AND A JOB. BEING INSTITUTIONALIZED TAKES A WOMAN FURTHER FROM HER CREATOR AND INTO THE ARMS OF AN ARTIFICIAL, MANIPULATIVE EXISTENCE(CAPITALISM IN THIS CASE). WHICH BRINGS ME TO NUMBER THREE:

    THIRD, (SOME)MEN DO NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT YOU RELY ON MARRIAGE AS A LEGALLY BINDING CONTRACT (ONCE YOU'VE PROVEN TO YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS THAT YOU'RE PRETTY ENOUGH AND VAGINA HAS FINALLY CASHED IN):AS OPPOSED TO A CONTRACT OF TWO SPIRITS. ESPECIALLY SINCE A LOT OF WOMEN'S MOTHERS AND GIRLFRIEDS SEE MEN AS THEIR ADVERSARY(ALTHOUGH NECESSARY) WHICH IS A DESTRUCTIVE BEGINNING AND ENDING. IN AMERICA, MARRIAGE DOESN'T WORK BECAUSE IT'S A CONTRACT THAT GIVES ALL WOMEN MORE LEVERAGE THEN SHE WOULD UNMARRIED. DON'T BE MAD, HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE MARRIED. YOU'RE FUCKED UP TOO.

  28. TABERNACLE!!!! I can't say how many times I've gone on dates with women and the FIRST thing out of their mouths is about what they're NOT going to do, and they "expect" from a man. Usually they'll follow up the bullshit train with "REAL MEN won't be afraid to that."

    I'm seriously thinking about moving out of this city (Baltimore). The sense of entitlement with chicks here is astounding. Most feel like they deserve nothing but the very best (which is fine), while being little more than a pretty face on your arm (no goals of any kind).

    It's crazy.

  29. @ Anna N & Hannahjoja tell it! The women described in this posts are the ones who ALWAYS have men in their lives. It's like men are attracted to and chase after the crazies, but then complain about them when they get them. On the other hand you leave all the well-rounded, personally-developed women by the wayside b/c you are not willing to step up your game to win their hearts.

    The only kind of women who will accept the BS that is passing for dating and relationships nowadays are seriously flawed women or those who still tie their self-worth to "having a man." To be honest, most of the women I do see in relationships are exceedingly dissatisfied but stay b/c they don't want to be alone. I and many of my girlfriends have taken the time to look at the woman in the mirror and have done a ton of work to be a quality woman, but will not settle for half a man just to say we've got one!

    If you want the beautiful, sweet, supportive, loving, passionate, well-kept woman who is in your corner ride or die, working with you to build a future, a family, and a home then you need to spend sometime working on yourself to deserve her!

    Single Black Male, when is that post coming bruh?

    @Muse expanding the dating pool to be global brings up a whole other set of issues. Trust I am and have been open to rainbow for quite some time, but most of the men I find attractive happen to be men of color. I have hung out with a multi-cultural group of people for a while and while there are a few who have caught my eye and piqued my interested I still love my brothas the best. I guess this is why its so hard for many of us to find peace with what is so. I accept that for many black men, we are just not it. I still find many a brotha who does not appreciate my kinky hair or I hear silly comments like "why do you have to come to bed with that rag on your head?" (if you don't know the answer to this question go ask your mama)

    I honestly feel like there is a huge breakdown for women to be loved and accepted as our 100% selves, but sadly this can often be worse for black women. As women get older, things sag and after child-birth our bodies change, yet men seem to keep these unrealistic physical expectations for women that no one can meet. There is no cherishing your life partner for being with you through the good and bad and appreciating her for being willing to put her body through 9 months of trauma to bring your child into the world.

    @Temp any woman who would bypass a hardworking college student to go out with an A$$hole is a "bird" the fact that she is in school just means she's an educated "bird." That's my point, its like you just don't have a clue about what a good woman is. I was one of those good girls in college who couldn't get a date b/c I was not willing to "creep" or do the walk of shame. So the "birds" (at my Ivy League School) went after the flashy guys, the athletes went after the white girls, the frat boys chased after the campus hoes and the quality women stayed in the books and built life-long friendships.

    From what I can see, nothing has changed. No I don't spend all my time and money keeping my weave tight, nails done, and body in designer labels, but I am well-kept, fit, educated, gorgeous, loving, and a supportive. Stop chasing the flashy chicks and maybe you'll find a good woman!

    Finally there is nothing wrong with a woman being educated and successful. Yes I realize that it's not that important to a lot of men, but why do you all not see that it is important to us!? I get the sense that men ignore the fact that we want to accomplish more in life than getting married, tending to the house, and raising kids. Some, no many, of us enjoy having careers, but are not obsessed with being at "the top." I started my own business specifically so that I could be accessible to my "family" yet still have a sense of personal accomplishment, yet so many men claim that b/c I have been on the hustle they assumed I didn't want to be a wife. Just because we don't spend all our time scheming on how to get yall to marry us doesn't mean we don't want a family!

    This topic frustrates me to no end b/c I know waaaay to many quality women who are single and don't fit the above descriptions of crazy broads who stay single b/c men pass them by.

  30. Hate to say it but the unenlightened (usually ghetto fabulous) Blackwomen fit this description to a "T". Women raised around positive male role models learn how to interact with men at a very early age; young girls raised in homes with angry mothers suffering from abandonment, loneliness and poverty are more likely to be the young ladies you describe.

    How can we change these attitudes? Young Black women need to be educated about womanhood and manhood, not chided, ridiculed or condemned. And they need to be educated about the kinds of Black men that have their best interest at heart, that want to love and commit to them (not use them for sex), and how to screen the knuckleheads out. I mean, if all a girl has ever seen in her neighborhood, schools, etc. are stupid, trifling men, she is going to think ALL MEN ARE STUPID AND TRIFLING, and treat them as such. Feel me?

  31. I honestly think the reason why women are single is because they don't want to be put in a box! they know once they get in a relationship they have to drop certain luxuries they had when they were single like hanging out with girlfriends and being able to spread their time out to do the things they like to do. women are different than men. if they have a house, a car, and a good small circle of friends then their happy! Im neutral with the list because not every woman is out looking for a man! if she has a set of guys shes cool with , like one she have sex with, one for emotional needs, and the other for platonic needs, then its no purpose for a woman to be in a relationship!

    Men want a relationship, because they need someone to come home to, they want to have the ego of being the man while the woman is that server. its an ego thing with us because we want to know you have our backs when things get hard!

    Women are single because a relationship is not needed for her to enjoy a full life!

  32. I honestly think the reason why women are single is because they don't want to be put in a box! they know once they get in a relationship they have to drop certain luxuries they had when they were single like hanging out with girlfriends and being able to spread their time out to do the things they like to do. women are different than men. if they have a house, a car, and a good small circle of friends then their happy! Im neutral with the list because not every woman is out looking for a man! if she has a set of guys shes cool with , like one she have sex with, one for emotional needs, and the other for platonic needs, then its no purpose for a woman to be in a relationship!

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