Home Dating & Relationships Women's Relationship Advice No sweetheart … that’s not a date

No sweetheart … that’s not a date


Sleepless in Southeast (DC): “SBM, I just don’t understand you guys”
SBM: *rolls eyes in a matter that shows he knows where this is going* “And why do you say that my dear femal friend?”
SIS: “Well, I’ve been seeing this guy for about 2 months, and I just don’t know what’s the problem.”
SBM: “Ok, well lets start at the basics. Define ‘seeing’.”
SIS: “Well, we date, smash, and chill.”
SBM: “Ok … define ‘date’.”
SIS: “What do you mean?”
SBM: “Tell me the 2 best dates.”
SIS: “Well, one time he brought over my favorite wine and movie.  Oh … and another time he served me champagne and strawberries at his spot.”
SBM: *sighs and puts head in hands* “So have you ever gone out … to like a restaurant or movies?” *said with head still down*
SIS: “Hmmm … welll”
SBM: “B* … that’s your problem … your not dating him.  Your a f*ck cut buddy or a friends with benefits.”

I have been dishing out relationship “advice” for years.  Since the first time I had a female friend who I didn’t want to smash, I have encountered countless women who just don’t know the definition of a date.  You would think this is basic stuff every mom, aunt, or non slutastic good female friend would pass on … but I continue to encounter it now that I’m an old man.

See Also:  Let's Be Friends

Because I hate to see any woman that frequents this nice little spot I’ve set up here … I’ve decided to go ahead and release some classified male information.  Simply stated, there are several outings that are often gussied up as dates … but they are not.

So … I present

SBM’s List of Dates … that aren’t really dates

*** disclaimer ***
This applies to adults who are no longer in high school or college, and aren’t experiencing major money issues.  Just because your broke, doesn’t mean you can get away with this sh*t … but if your homeless … well aight … you get a pass.

More importantly … this is only for the “courting” phase.  That awkward stretch of time when things are new and undefined.  This does not apply to your husband, boyfriend, or guy you have been dating (the real kind) for months.

Alcohol and DVDs

This combination has resulted in more college late night pump sessions than drugs and frat parties combined.  “You wanna come over and watch ‘Love & Basketball’?  I got some smirnoff too!”  I kept at least one popular black romantic comedy and a fifth of vodka in the fridge all throughout college because of how effective it was.  And since everyone was broke and studying … it was allowable.  But if you already have the degree, or your above the age of 21 … this isn’t a date.  Its just another attempt to get in the draws.

See Also:  4 Reasons Why Being A Nice Guy Sucks

Group Outings

There is food, its a restaurant, and drinks were purchased … so it’s a date … right?  Slap yourself.  I don’t care if he managed to get you on and him on a separate check and pays for you, I don’t care if you leave the group to slob his knob in the bathroom sneak some kisses in private, or whatever nonsense you may have drummed up in your head … it’s not a date.

Last Minute Errands

He needs to go to the mall to pick up them new Jordan’s and you get invited … really?  If your tagging along while he is doing some stuff, don’t be impressed.  He’s prolly thinking “true … free date … and maybe she’ll gimme some butt after”.

Crappy Home Cooked Meals

Now … this is a gray area … a very very gray area. I have preached to many that cooking a woman dinner is an excellent way to get some draws their attention and show them that your serious about giving them the long and strong but there are plenty of negros who know this is a cheap and easy way to impress a female without working.  There are a million and one 30 minute dinners that impress easily. So … the rule of thumb here is … if he had to go to the super market for the the meal … it counts.  And if he doesn’t attempt to smash … then it counts as double!

See Also:  Excuse Me Miss: Why Men Cat-Call Women Aggressively In Big Cities

His Friend’s Party

I will admit … the boy does earn some points for foregoing the potential treasure troves of “yeah … this is my friend’s house” punany that he could be running through that whole night … so don’t discount the gesture … but it’s still not a date.


Print this out, put it up in your office, remember each and every example.  Then append the list, pass it out to your friends (the one’s you like), and please stop playing yourself.

But … as infallible as my wisdom is … I know I’ve missed one … or two … or more.  What fake dates did I leave out?  If you got a story … just leave poor dude’s name out.

Single Black Male Logo

P.S. – Any dude I ousted who’s lite night back breaking session has been ruined because I spilled the beans … my bad.  But n****a … let your mouthpiece save you … step your game up and dig deep for that inner game.  No need for smoke and mirrors.


  1. ALL via text…

    Him: What up?
    Her: Not much u?
    Him: S@#t as ___ house… Chillin
    Her: Oh! What yall doing?
    Him: Throwing back some beers and watching the game?
    (Notice no invitation has been extended)
    Her: Thats whats up..I was thinking about waching it to..
    Him: Thats whats up…we at ___house he got a nice new HDTV
    Her: Im on my way..Do I need to stop n get more beers..
    Him: UGGGHHHHH yeah do that

    Then she shows up with stilltoes and full face makeup


  2. @ Jay Teezy – YES! I was going to mention that one – the fight party/game. And you are sooo right, you don't even have to really invite, just let her/me know where you're at and that there's plenty of food. Especially if my cheap azz doesn't want to pay per view for the fight. Shoot, I'd show up with 3-4 friends. I just relapsed to my mid 20's on that one.

    *hangs head in shame. ok, shame over!*

    This post is hilarious!

  3. There is a reality that we aren't talking about, which is that the reason guys have pulled this off is because women do not value dates. Even ones who used to cry "Dating is dead," do not hesitate for a millisecond to reward the fool(s) who offer to "ask them out" with the line "Let's just be friends."

    More guys would go on legitimate dates if the women would show appreciation for it. By appreciation I don't mean putting out per se, I mean removing the shady, low down behaviors that makes today's men declare, "Dates are for suckas."

    A few brief examples in my FORMER experience:
    1. Answering texts of other guys while on the date (who she actually intends on getting into bed)
    2. Saying they are really tired, just to hear that they were bopping some other dude who kept his money in his pocket.
    3. Women whose faces twist up once you use the word 'date' in their presence or who whig out as if you are asking their hand in marriage.
    4. Letting a guy waste tons of money and time on you but then act OFFENDED that he goes for the kiss.

    This even goes for people above 20–in this society (in the US, and I'm talking about all young women, not just the black women I criticize) the best strategy is to make someone your f@#$@$ buddy, and then maybe after a few rounds go on a 'date' if things get serious. But still dates are high expense-low results, or in banker speak a terrible ROI, while cooking at home is low expense-infinitely better results. It doesn't take a Wharton Finance MBA to know what's the better option!

    Dates are great FOR PEOPLE ALREADY IN RELATIONSHIPS, but they are a nuclear disaster for any guy hoping to "court" or initiate a romantic relationship. If dates yielded some kind of positive benefits for men we'd go on a lot more of them, but since they don't, I have my bottle of Smirnoff and my Crank DVD ready.

    Sorry ladies, but my comments focus on what "is" not what "ought" to be. Maybe guys should go on more dates because it is gentlemanly, polite or other fluffy terms that don't mean anything. But as rational beings, dudes have to protect their paper, their valuable time (esp if they have a good professional job) and their hearts.

    When the ladies stop making dates seem like sucker bets at a casino, then we'll see dating come back, until then, yes, *lifts smirnoff bottle.*

  4. @AB Tell 'em why you mad, son. I think you might be doing it wrong. Dates don't really have to be expensive. Especially during the summertime. And as the man (assumably) paying for the date, you should be doing stuff YOU like. I have a good ass time on dates because I plan things I wanted to do anyway. You want to go see Hangover or Public Enemies, I'm on it. You wanna see that new Meg Ryan romantic comedy, you're shit out of luck. Where dudes go wrong is trying to impress a woman by taking her to Chez Pricee and then getting mad if she doesn't automatically drop them pants. You can go to Chix on U Street in DC or a pool hall or some kind of exhibit YOU want to see and keep it under $30.

    And real talk, you shouldn't be borrowing from the 401k to take out a woman you just met. You don't know what her situation is and the reality is no cute girl is 100% single. I used to have a straight up f*ckbuddy, with no pretense of anything else. I remember her coming through to get broke off early in the evening and then she'd go straight from my house to a "date" with another dude. And dude was caking hard, doing dinner, jazz club, all kinds of extra shit. She calls me after the date because she wants to come over for round two. That doesn't mean she's shady. She doesn't owe him anything. He just maybe shouldn't have pulled the big guns out that early in the game.

    As far as starting off f*ckbuddy and progressing to dating, that shit doesn't happen. Once you're used to getting the milk for free, you'll never buy the cow. If the cow is tripping bout being bought, you'll just find someone else to give you free milk.

  5. This post hits the nail on the head, however, u have released some of the "go to" moves. Its ashame how some of these still work post college. "His Friend’s Party" is so onpoint, especially if ya dont arrive together and she doesnt plan on staying the whole night. However, dont cuff it too hard in the club or you'll owe someone $20. (On a side note, how does one pay their fine for wifing in the club? Is there a wifing in the club bucket in the middle of the dance floor")

  6. lol @ AB. post was on point (crank dvd though).

    as far as dates, i really don't tend to go on "traditional" dates unless i'm really feeling the girl. *shrugs shoulders*

  7. This list is hilarious- I don't know how many young ladies my cousin has duped into thinking they were on dates-and then went on to smash…dah well…not my problem they should read Single Black Male…

  8. Wow.. this couldn't be more timely. I have been hanging out with a dude and have been hesitant to call it dating since most of it has been hanging at his house. He has done some things that have surprised me though, actions that do overtly say he's into me. So, as always, I just don't know what to think. I basically keep the opinion that he just wants to get in my pants. That POV keeps me safe in my actions and thoughts.

    But, the reality is courtship is different nowadays. Sure the first time you go out, the guy takes you out and its a date. To me it always seems to fizz out from there. I don't really know if men court like that. OK you guys are going to say "He will if its worth it;" well then please let me know how often that happens in a year….

  9. @ Peyso – LOL. $20 should be collected as soon as you see wifing/cuffing being done. A tap on the shoulder will suffice as notification. If you have been wifing or cuffing and no one collects within two hours then the record is expunged.

    I did enjoy this post. But I blame the women to be honest if you allow guys to do this, you're enabling.

  10. Let me find out the men are gettin' feisty up in here! AB, honey – is it that serious? Replace the money you spent on those girls with some discernment, creativity (on date location) and personality. Hate to say it, but you were simpin'. And we all know that never turns out right. Randy Brandy's post has some good pointers.

  11. lol The post AND the comments are fun-NAY… I think there are women who are still interested in courting/dating. But like Dr. J said some females are enablers. So SOME dudes will have the misconception that what works for one will work for all. I don't care where and what u did with Becky for dates 1-5 or even 10 but I'm not down with all that sideways 'dating'.
    @05Girl The next couple times dude tells u he wants to hang inside again mention your need to go out and enjoy this nice weather the summer has brought us and see if he offers to hang OUTside…. Just my 22cents

  12. Haha, @ Brandon,

    You're right. Thankfully I've always been careful with the pocket book, although I used to spend money (we are talking 40-45 per date MAX), that's nothing compared to most people I know who have dropped HUNDREDS, bragging that, "you are supposed to show a lady a good time." It was I who warned them against doing so…and then weeks later having to play "I told you so."

    @ Anna, yes it is that serious! If the ladies want more dates, they need to behave better. I can't stand when people complain about something and then do everything possible to spit in the faces of those who do what they say they want. I consider it a public service to tell people how it is, even if its not politically correct.

    In terms of the 'simping' thing, you guys forget that I said it was my FORMER experience (and I'm not afraid to say I've messed up before). My point was that over time guys simp at some point and then because of the behaviors I was talking about, they learn to stop doing it–hence the lack of dating nowadays, and more of the stuff SBM was talking about and which Brandon co-signs, and PYT follows indirectly. (i.e. a "creative date" isn't a date according to SBM)

    Am I mad that I no longer waste money on real dates? Hell no! It saves me money and time (note Anna, Brandon, that was my point!)

    But those arguments ya'll made are not refutations of my point, which is that the model of dating that women (not just sisters) wish still existed doesn't work FOR MEN. If you want to call old-school dating simpin' I *completely* agree, that's why I and many, many other guys stop doing it. People can "no-sign" all they want, but that doesn't encourage dudes to do things that aren't in their self interest.

    Let's not forget that "simpin" is well promoted by women. If I had a Benjamin for how much my mom, grandparents, etc. lauded the importance of standard dating (simping) I'd be able to pay for
    Harvard Med School in cash. It's not all the dudes' fault that they get deceived by the people who should tell them how the world really is (as opposed to how it 'ought' to be).

    I'm just letting people know the truth, from a long-former simp's point of view. It may not be what some want to hear, but what would you rather, that I lie to you and say that guys are super enthusiastic about being "let's just be friend(ed)" after an adult date when there are cheaper and more effective options other than dating?" Come on now.

  13. End of the day, there is not a one size fits all to dating. I have done the fall through and watch a movie thing AND it NOT lead to sex, as well as the formal, come grab me at 8 and lets catch a concert and drinks at the bar. I'm with whoever said do what you like. I hate putt putt.. I don't do putt putt dates. EVERY once in a great while I get sucked into it because the course looks kinda cool. but in general, Putt Putt will annoy the hell outta me. The do what you like thing was def good advice.

    Futhermore, I do agree that much of male behavior is a result of men doing as women allow, which is a result of women believing when men say they want us to be this or that way… Stupid cycle, but it is what it is.

    Dating doesn't have to be expensive! A good date for a good woman means, lets go somewhere with alcohol, enough distractions (tv's) to keep it from being awkward and GOOD CONVERSATION. Easily can do that on 30-50 bucks MAX. BTW Movies are a horrible first date…

  14. I think women that actually think that the aformentioned examples are lacking one thing: common sense. I would think that anyone can see that those examples weren't dates but it's sad to say that I know chicks that actually think those example would be going above and beyond….

  15. ROFLOL, I have been wondering what happened to dating and now I see. I can count the # of dates I have been on lately with single digits and the # of dudes getting any tail= 0. I was wondering if it was me when at least 2 different dudes called me "high maintenance" when I asked point blank "Why do you keep asking me to come to your house or asking to come to my house to chill or asking me to kick it at the last minute and then act surprised when I am a "no"? Dude I don't know you like that AND I have a life thus already made plans. If you want to get to know me, ask me out on a date!"

    Unbeknownst to me yall have declared a man boycott on dating! Moreover, women for some strange reason have been going for it! No wonder I've single for so long, it's not me it really is you! FYI @AB if I have made a guy an FB it's b/c I know he is not relationship material, but useful to scratch that itch from time to time. There is no transition!

  16. I'm with Afro Diva on this one. From the comments, it sounds like there aren't any benefits for men to go on dates. It seems like y'all are looking for someone to connect with on just a physical level. There is no benefit to connecting with a woman on any other level?

  17. @ Shermy

    Good question, the answer is that if you "go on dates" you can neither connect on a physical level or on an emotional one.

    The problem is that even guys who want a "higher relationship" have learned that they don't have a chance in hell of "any other level" if they go on what SMB calls a "real date."

    That's why the "boycott" has happened.

  18. sooo… i need pointers as a young female in college who understands the $ struggle with guys in my range… how do i encourage a guy to try and DATE the CORRECT way? im 20 and I've STILL NEVER been on a proper date… however i am not one of those dumb heffas that just give it up… clink clink ova here… until the time is right and chillin in ur room with Brown Sugar aint workin fa me.

  19. some really good stuff here!!! my POV is that no matter how long you 'get to know' a person, you never really know that person or what they are capable of but you can almost 'see' a persons character & integrity from jump, (hell sometimes they dont even know themselves) but as an adult (as a child…thought as a child…as an adult…put away childish things…) we know right from wrong and have free will to make responsible decisions. knowing this, do what you feel. if you dont want to, dont do it and if it feels right, then go for it…but dont complain about regrets once the deed has been done…learn from those mistakes which make u stronger and keep it moving (dont let me see u on those judge shows makin urself look ridiculous). If you feel disrespected, then it was probably not a good idea, but you followed your own feelings and thoughts…in short use your intuition and be smart, speak up for urself and be comfortable with your decisions (u have to live with your choices)…we will keep making mistakes til the end of time, so do ur best as u travel this road called life…peace!!


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