Sleepless in Southeast (DC): “SBM, I just don’t understand you guys”
SBM: *rolls eyes in a matter that shows he knows where this is going* “And why do you say that my dear femal friend?”
SIS: “Well, I’ve been seeing this guy for about 2 months, and I just don’t know what’s the problem.”
SBM: “Ok, well lets start at the basics. Define ‘seeing’.”
SIS: “Well, we date, smash, and chill.”
SBM: “Ok … define ‘date’.”
SIS: “What do you mean?”
SBM: “Tell me the 2 best dates.”
SIS: “Well, one time he brought over my favorite wine and movie. Oh … and another time he served me champagne and strawberries at his spot.”
SBM: *sighs and puts head in hands* “So have you ever gone out … to like a restaurant or movies?” *said with head still down*
SIS: “Hmmm … welll”
SBM: “B* … that’s your problem … your not dating him. Your a f*ck cut buddy or a friends with benefits.”
I have been dishing out relationship “advice” for years. Since the first time I had a female friend who I didn’t want to smash, I have encountered countless women who just don’t know the definition of a date. You would think this is basic stuff every mom, aunt, or non slutastic good female friend would pass on … but I continue to encounter it now that I’m an old man.
Because I hate to see any woman that frequents this nice little spot I’ve set up here … I’ve decided to go ahead and release some classified male information. Simply stated, there are several outings that are often gussied up as dates … but they are not.
So … I present
SBM’s List of Dates … that aren’t really dates
*** disclaimer ***
This applies to adults who are no longer in high school or college, and aren’t experiencing major money issues. Just because your broke, doesn’t mean you can get away with this sh*t … but if your homeless … well aight … you get a pass.
More importantly … this is only for the “courting” phase. That awkward stretch of time when things are new and undefined. This does not apply to your husband, boyfriend, or guy you have been dating (the real kind) for months.
Alcohol and DVDs
This combination has resulted in more college late night pump sessions than drugs and frat parties combined. “You wanna come over and watch ‘Love & Basketball’? I got some smirnoff too!” I kept at least one popular black romantic comedy and a fifth of vodka in the fridge all throughout college because of how effective it was. And since everyone was broke and studying … it was allowable. But if you already have the degree, or your above the age of 21 … this isn’t a date. Its just another attempt to get in the draws.
There is food, its a restaurant, and drinks were purchased … so it’s a date … right? Slap yourself. I don’t care if he managed to get you on and him on a separate check and pays for you, I don’t care if you leave the group to slob his knob in the bathroom sneak some kisses in private, or whatever nonsense you may have drummed up in your head … it’s not a date.
Last Minute Errands
He needs to go to the mall to pick up them new Jordan’s and you get invited … really? If your tagging along while he is doing some stuff, don’t be impressed. He’s prolly thinking “true … free date … and maybe she’ll gimme some butt after”.
Crappy Home Cooked Meals
Now … this is a gray area … a very very gray area. I have preached to many that cooking a woman dinner is an excellent way to get some draws their attention and show them that your serious about giving them the long and strong but there are plenty of negros who know this is a cheap and easy way to impress a female without working. There are a million and one 30 minute dinners that impress easily. So … the rule of thumb here is … if he had to go to the super market for the the meal … it counts. And if he doesn’t attempt to smash … then it counts as double!
His Friend’s Party
I will admit … the boy does earn some points for foregoing the potential treasure troves of “yeah … this is my friend’s house” punany that he could be running through that whole night … so don’t discount the gesture … but it’s still not a date.
Print this out, put it up in your office, remember each and every example. Then append the list, pass it out to your friends (the one’s you like), and please stop playing yourself.
But … as infallible as my wisdom is … I know I’ve missed one … or two … or more. What fake dates did I leave out? If you got a story … just leave poor dude’s name out.
P.S. – Any dude I ousted who’s lite night back breaking session has been ruined because I spilled the beans … my bad. But n****a … let your mouthpiece save you … step your game up and dig deep for that inner game. No need for smoke and mirrors.