Home Dating & Relationships Women's Relationship Advice The Get Over It Series: Men are Judgmental

The Get Over It Series: Men are Judgmental

Dr. J by the way of SBM continues on his series on things that women will just have to Get Over.  Last week we touched on who’s at fault for women being single. I actually retrieved the following quote as an update from the Wedding Date: “Every woman has the exact love life she wants“.   I thought that was pretty interesting.  Anyway, today’s entry takes a look at how we all hate to be judged, but in reality, you’ll just have to get over it.
1) All Women are a Trophy in Some Sense of the Concept
Women do not like to be compared to possessions but they will inevitably be thought as such, therefore, get over it.  It’s usually not on purpose and not so materialistic as women think.  It’s because his woman is a reflection of him.  A perfect parallel is a resume.  If you have worked at Microsoft and Google, you wouldn’t want to work at McDonald’s next.  What will Apple think about that once you apply for a position there?  And this is why men try to find something and pursue something they don’t mind taking out to stunt.  Most women want a guy who isn’t afraid to take them out in public, maybe like the movies, dinner, or a picnic in the park.  Well, the thing is, if he doesn’t want to be seen with you, you won’t be making an appearance at anything outside the house, unless it’s dark, no one he knows will be there, and it’s the 30th of February.
2) Their Family & Friends Network
Women must get over the fact that his friends and family will have a significant effect on who he chooses to date.  His mother/father have instilled in him a certain threshold for women he dates.  Some mothers will tell their sons; “Don’t bring home any white girl,” “Don’t date a Haitian,” or “She should come from a good family.”  (I got love for my Haitians, but please stop acting like people’s parents don’t tell them that.)  And although a man doesn’t commit these statements to memory and repeat them every night before leaving his house, they become ingrained in his head after hearing them so many times.  His friends are the people who he goes to for the majority of the affirmation he gets.  If his friends think you’re a ho, he doesn’t want to have to deal with defending you all the time.  Or that his friends think he’s trying to turn a housewife into a ho.
3) Their Desired Image or Prototype
Personally speaking most men have an image in their head about what they want their wife to be.  For me, based on what I see, i’m usually torn between Eva Longoria and Vanessa Bryant (Kobe’s wife).  Eva is beautiful, she knows it, she takes interest in being as beautiful as she can be, she loves that she is a sex symbol, and she really loves being a wife.  It’s so obvious that she’s into Tony Parker, she’s at his games, she’s always next to him at any chance she can get.  Now Eva has her own career and has her own life.  She without Tony Parker still is a person and business.  And that’s hot, but it presents some problems because she’s got her own schedule and Tony’s got his.  Now Vanessa Bryant, is more naturally beautiful because she doesn’t have a team of stylist around her to make her look so good she has to do it on the solo.  She’s young, takes care of the kids, but she’s a full-time wife and mother.  There is no scheduling issues, she’s always there.  Almost like your favorite toy, always waiting for you to come home. I’m still torn between Eva and Vanessa.  But the point here is this, when an man has this image of what he wants his girl/wife like, you better be sure you fall in line somewhere, because if you don’t he might be just wasting time with you, while he keeps searching for that desired image.
In conclusion, women say they hate to be judged, but at the end of the day, all women are judged because there’s a full 40-point inspection he’s going through on his own side.  So if he finds out that you had a threesome back in college and all his friends know about it, he can’t respect you as a potential girlfriend.  Maybe you come from a broken family and you don’t have a good relationship with your mom or dad, if his moms is not going for that, then he’s going to judge you as not the best option.  And if you are not the type of girl who is going to be a #1 Stunna when he walks in the room, just give up, you’re already too far behind.
This is brought to you by the Get Over It Series, don’t try to flip this back on men, it’s about women, not men.  “It’s a thousand you’s it’s only one of me.” – Kanye West
SBM Readers, i’m turning the floor over to you.  Are any of you reconsidering that decision to get on the strip pole later tonight?


  1. The video was random, but definitely not offensive.

    If you are a grown man still dealing with women who don't like nice guys, its time to re-evaluate the company you keep. Quality women demand respect.respect=nice. Nice guy –> quality woman

  2. Sooooo…You're correct on all of this. But here's the rub: Women don't want to hear this or believe it if they know they don't fit their dude's prototype. All they want to hear is how to behave in a way that tricks men into behaving how they want them to behave. This is why Steve Harvey's book is so popular. What you've said is true but won't be popular because you're talking about things women can't change. Women can't change a man's prototype. family/friends, or even his rating of her as a trophy.

  3. True. And really, it's the same thing with women I'd imagine. We like to pretend that we don't care what our family and friends think about our mate and while this may be true to a certain extent, deep down we're looking for their acceptance.

    And before anyone starts with "not uh" yes, I'm well aware that there are exceptions to every rule (your family just may be assholes and there is no pleasing them).

    To the writers, I dig the blog alot…keep up the good work.


  4. J – you're gonna make me lose my federal "disagree with Dr. J" stipend today, huh? That's ok, I got a bonus from your last post, lol.

    I actually agree with you. Yeah, let that sink in. Women think this way as well. Most of us want a man who we can be proud of and parade around (trophy), who won't cause problems between us and our family/friend network and who fit into our image of what a "good man" is (this is where Daddy issues come into play). Those of us who don't most likely want drama, not a man.

    @ Hostess – I see your point, but I have a little more faith in *most* women than that! Women are hardwired to listen to men: Teeth Harvey's book would have sat on the shelves if his ghostwriter's name and picture was on the front cover. And J got plenty of co-signage on his last post (except from me, because I'm paid to disagree with him.)

    Teeth Harvey's book wasn't really about trickery. It didn't lay out anything that most good fathers/father figures/ haven't already told their little girls. There are just a lot of women who (for various reasons) just needed to hear the message again.

    Good post, J.

  5. "…how we all hate to be judged, but in reality, you’ll just have to get over it." well damn!

    and when I got to Vanessa Conchita Bryant being beautiful I had to pause. wtf?!

    Okay, I'll continue reading now…LOL

  6. This post is on point like stalagmites!

    All men do judge, just to different degrees. Outside people will influence a mans decision on who they date. They take certain liberties and gambles and rock with how they feel, ut their friends and family will always have their ear in the end.

    Trophy should be great to a woman because a man who wants to take them out go different places and sport em is a direct compliment to them!

    Realism and confidence go a long way in influencing a mans judgement

  7. i pretty much agree with everything you typed. it may be harsh but it's true. this is pretty much how most men think (although i think eva kind of looks like master splinter). i also agree with hostess:

    "What you’ve said is true but won’t be popular because you’re talking about things women can’t change. Women can’t change a man’s prototype. family/friends, or even his rating of her as a trophy."

    it doesn't have to be popular though. as long as women keep living in denial they're going to be wasting their time with most men. i also agree that this theory works the same way with women.

  8. @Tunde – "it doesn’t have to be popular though. as long as women keep living in denial they’re going to be wasting their time with most men. i also agree that this theory works the same way with women." – I agree.

    I think a lot of women or people in general need to stop wasting their time with people who will never want to be with them seriously, if that is what they are looking for. I think it' s important to realize that there are certain immutable characteristics that some people can't get passed and just to leave those people alone. Find someone who actually wants to be with you.

  9. I think situations like this mainly result when the woman is trying to pursue the man, instead of vice-versa. Most guys, even if they are shy, will go after what they want if you give them a good indication that you're feeling him. Otherwise you're likely to just end up being the good-time girl, as my mom would say. Most happy couples are a reflection of, and a complement to each other. Realistically, Chaquayzia Alize Jenkins and Randolph Wesley Hudson III are not going to have a fairy tale ending.

  10. The irony is that if women started applying the same requirements in men, most dudes probably wouldn't have a date lol. I believe standards are good. One of mine is that I avoid men who didn't grow up with fathers or positive male role models in their life. Ladies you have the right to haver high standards! Don't compromise because men don't!

  11. Dr. J out of curiosity since you clearly prefer non black women as you "preference" do you expect the still utitlize the resources and support black women offer? Since Evas and Vanessas are wife potiential do you still date or mess aroind with women outside of that spectrum?

  12. Gooo Dr.J! I love it!

    Yea Women have to get over it..or better yet GET WITH IT!!

    To Point 1: I personally love being considered a trophy. Not in a strictly physical way. (I'm cute, but cute don't get you far these days..) A trophy because of the combinations of what I can offer as a Woman. Women got to get with it, and realize you want your S.O to be SO proud he/she is rolling with a chick like YOU. Why? BECAUSE, he will realize you are invaluable. He wil not want to lose you. So he/she will do there best to take care of you. Often a reality check for folks!

    To Point 2: Again gotta GET WITH IT. Within the first conversations, you should be pulling the momma and dada issues. You should know how his/her friends roll. Get the info and play up those attributes that are like-able, or pull out cus you are wasting time.

    To Point 3: Prototype. This requires men have realistic views and dont chill with Barney on the weekdays. You get what you put in. you wack, expect wack. Don't be a big mac looking for Filet Mignon.

    Ultimately, You want your man to judge you. He has to judge you to realize your worth. Use it to your advantage.

  13. I would have to say that women hate to be judged negatively. People are going to judge you regardless if you like it or not, so I agree J that we (men & woman) have to move on. If I spent time worrying what people said or what pedal stool I was placed on I would lose a lot of time.

    I would also say, that I agree that woman may not want to hear all this, but seriously WE HAVE TOO. Why do we want to trick dude's to believe something we are not. I think it is sad that many woman try to convince a guy to like them. If he is not into you…you are not going to change his mind not matter how persuasive you think you might be. Also, to add to your list…if a girl/guy has been with someone in your inner circle s/he is not going to take you seriously. So, if you want to be the next jump off whom am I to judge, but you definitely will not be walking down the aisle together! The END!!!!!

  14. I agree wholeheartedly with this post.

    Think about it like this (unpopular view ahead):

    If we take a woman into our company and she is in horrible shape, not stylish and not very attractive…that says (about me) that this is all I could get. It looks like I'm not even trying.

    Before I bring a woman home to meet the folks or be around my friends, it's imperative that she is a GOOD representation of me. People know when you're just hittin that and know what's up if you introduce her as "just a friend." I always make sure my ladies look good, speak well, get along with other women (Highlight that one), has something going on for herself and is just respectful. Anything less is considered a night time broad. You don't bring those out in the daytime and they don't meet your friends.

    This applies in the business world too. I wouldn't dare bring a date to a holiday party or function that I believe would give the impression of "Dang, he sort of scrapes the bottom with these ladies doesn't he?"

  15. I should chime in…

    More guys than you think like Vanessa Conchita Bryant.

    "if a girl/guy has been with someone in your inner circle s/he is not going to take you seriously."

    2009 tis the year for smashing of thee homies!

  16. @ Muse –

    Somehow your point was lost in the fact that you were trying to proclaim that I prefer to date non Black women. Let me attempt to answer your questions though.

    "do you expect the still utitlize the resources and support black women offer? Since Evas and Vanessas are wife potiential do you still date or mess aroind with women outside of that spectrum?"

    You damn right, why can't I have it both ways? And nah, I would never date women outside of my spectrum, that's just stupid. I try and stick with as non-black as possible. I like light, bright and damn there white.

  17. LOL Hilarious. I'mma have to catch up on all of this. I hear what you're saying sir, I just hope you're willing to GET OVER some stuff yourself.

  18. LOL wait, I just read that he said "don't try to flip this back on men, this is about women…" well shoot me and call me Susan… *drops mic and leaves*

  19. Part of me wonders how many women really can't get over this nowadays. I mean … lets be real … who isn't going to be judged. Hell … I even judge other dudes according to their handshake and way they talk when I think about business dealings.

    I'm feeling the series … Makes me wonder how come I aint do something like that. *sigh* … I'm slipping.

  20. LOL @ Master Splinter.

    @ J, its a tough pill to swallow but you spoke truth today. My eyebrows did shoot up @ ur definition of prototype but to each his own right? I do think that as we get older, outward appearance is less (in men's case a minute, probably not statistically significant margin) impactful as character.

  21. Dr. J,

    The reason I asked my question is because I think it's important for Black women reading your blog entries to know who they are taking advice from. No harm intended. I appreciate your honesty and you are a great example as to why women should vet the men they date and don't sleep with men without a solid commitment (Hell I say marriage but most folks don’t want to hear that). Personally I wouldn't share my time, body, or resources with a man who clearly states that states that he’s okay with sexing up Black women until he finds his non-Blake Eva or Vanessa Bryant to make his wife.

    Which brings me to my point ladies; you need to be VERY critical and choosey when it comes to who you decide to date. One of my favorite bloggers has stated time and time again who you marry can determine the future of you and your offspring. The irony about this discussion is that when Black women talk about wanting a man who is on their socio-economic level, financially stable, attractive, and basically has it going on, people criticize that Black woman for reaching too high or being unrealistic. Nevertheless I hope the ladies in this forum are paying close attention to what the men are saying. You guys are offering valuable insight. If women take the time to observe the man they are dating and take note of his behavior, it will be very easy to filter out the lames.

  22. Wow Dr. J,

    I hope you're being sarcastic with your comments to Muse above. If not, that just proves how serious our black-man-recession has become. It's like black women are forced to fight over the 10% of the black male population who aren't gay, aren't in jail, not serial seed-droppers, and not self loathing sellouts like yourself (if you're serious about your "I love non-black girls" stance). I mean, if you're out here lusting over some high-school video ho turned housewife (aka 'Nessa), then do you. But it makes you super lame. And I know plenty of real black men who are not that excited over Eva (who is gorgeous, but has itty biddies and noassatall) or Vannessa and her one snaggled front incisor.
    Rationalize it how you want, but not having an appreciation for your own makes you a sellout azz-bish. Sorry. it does.

  23. @ FeloniousMonk

    Muse has no clue what he/she is talking about. Therefore, i'm just acting a fool. Please excuse those comments as just idiotic and shouldn't be taken seriously.

    With all due respect,

    Dr. J

  24. Dr. J's post is exactly right. History matters, and in ways more than it used to. Even "nice girls" have their run ins with "trains" 4 somes, horrible romantic choices, etc. The problem comes when dudes find out, or when such ladies bring back results from it (kids, STI's, being tired of having sex bc they got too much while young, etc.)

    Women think the same way too–anyone remember how many sisters have their own super specific "lists" that black men have to meet to be dateable?

    The lesson is that if a certain kind of guy/girl is on your radar you have to watch your history, make good choices, and make yourself into someone who would 'fit the profile.'

  25. On that note, it is in the interest of the ladies to chill on the 'sexting,' scandalous youtubing and facebooking. It's not hard to find that stuff–much of which can DQ someone from gf/marriage material. I've even seen girls lose jobs and opportunities because they were
    dumb enough to do their freaky stuff nondiscreetly.

    I know I'd find it impossible to go thru a marriage if a future wife of mine (if I EVER got married) was on some youtube channel grinding on some d-bag at a frat party.

  26. @Remi
    "I think a lot of women or people in general need to stop wasting their time with people who will never want to be with them seriously, if that is what they are looking for. I think it’ s important to realize that there are certain immutable characteristics that some people can’t get passed and just to leave those people alone. Find someone who actually wants to be with you."


  27. It's true that there are things about men that women will never change and women need to accept those things. Women also have some "get over it!" issues with men. Let me list a few:

    #1 You got me pregnant. Don't whine and cry about how you didn't wanna be a father! You sure didn't say that when you were all up in that bare backing, did you? So now you are gonna pay child support fool. Get over it!

    #2 You are controlling and abusive and I'm tired of you talking to me crazy and beating on me. I am leaving you and never coming back. Get over it!

    #3 You may think you are "a nice guy" that you deserve my love and attention over a thug, but if I don't want you, stop whining about how Sistah's "don't want a nice guy." That's not it at all, I just don't want YOU because you are corny and your game is weak. Get over it!

    #4 You still live with your mother at 25 and she still does your laundry. You can't be my man if you are still your mama's baby. So when women laugh at you, get over it!

    I could go on and on, but you get the idea. 🙂

  28. This is the most shallow thing i have ever heard….men are truly a mess. What makes yall think that yall can just down grade a woman like that? Thats why so many men fall flat on their faces because yall look at the wrong thing in a woman. just give me a man who can treat me right, keep a job & f#%k me good when i want & need it….o he has to be attarctive also. Men are very insecure creatures…damn shame.


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