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SBM Answers: Freaky Deaky Pictures

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Got another email from a loyal reader.  As always, I will drop my infallible invaluable wisdom on the topic, but the true wisdom comes from you … the readers, so lets not disappoint and make sure to blow up the comments for her.

SBM and Associates,

Thanks for the wonderful blog. This makes for the funniest Sunday reading (when I have time to catch up on these things) and also the most honest perspective on whatever the current subject matter is. I do have a question for you guys though. What’s up with men and dirty pictures of the woman they are currently seeing? I have seen this in 2 different scenarios.
Scenario 1: I was briefly dating a guy, but it was very apparent that is wasn’t going to be anything more then a possible physical connection. Because it was long distance he wanted to chat with me on webcam and would try to talk me out of my clothes and he would request that I email him a “glamour” picture of me. I never did because he was a obviously a dog I’m a highly educated professional woman and I don’t want to compromise my career with any scandal.
Scenario 2: Another temporarily long distance situation but this time with a guy I have been dating for a few months and it seems like things will get more serious once I move for a new job to his town. I have known him for over 13 years, he’s a close friend of the family and during our whole courtship he has been romantic and respectful. I trust him and we have been physical (after 4 months of dating, talking on the phone all day, etc) so I have sent him a few racy pictures but he wants a full spread of photos of me, playboy style. He doesn’t pressure me to do it but when we start talking freaky on the phone it comes up.
So what’s up? Should I feel flattered or disrespected? Thanks in advance and keep up the very important work that you do.

Well … I’ve read this one … and I reread it one or two more times just to make sure I don’t talk out my a$$ lead you astray … but … I can’t find the problem.

When answering questions and attempting to share insight, I don’t want to get things wrong and have a very rigorous process in which I go through to evaluate these situations and come to my conclusions.

First step: Pretend I’m them

So … there is a girl, that I actually like, and am actually dating in a serious capacity … and she wants naked pictures of me?  I have two ways to feel about that … this is a joke … or … she finds me so attractive, sexy, and breathtaking that she wants to see me … even when she can’t see me.  And given the fact it’s long distance … can I really be mad at that?  Hmmm …

Second stem: Get angry for some reason … force it if I need to

Ok, so this chic is trying to just use me for my body and treat me like a peice of meat!!!  That’s horrible and I have too much respect being a professional (WTF this has to do with the pictures … I don’t know … unless you’re a Senator) to let her do that to me!  But … wait … in one case, we are interacting in a physical realm, and she wants to see the body that is giving her 20 screaming orgasms pleasure.  And in the other case, she has proven herself to be caring and loving … so she isn’t just trying to use me.

Third Step: Ignore all logic … and really just thing with all emotion

Yeah … I just give up here … I’m a man … the logic part of my brain works.

Well, in conclusion … I’m not sure what the problem is.  Situation #2 seems to respect and actually cherish you.  You’ve known him for years, he has always approached you correctly, and you have been physical with him.  Since he is a guy, and is visual, and you already gave him a few photos, I don’t see the big deal.  He’s not pressing it, isn’t harassing you, and just sounds like one of those good guys (like myself) that women seem to hope and pray for.  Go ahead … live a little.

With situation #1, ya’ll are physical , but it sounds more like a Friends with Benefits than a cut buddy, because a professional girl would never do such a thing, so I don’t see the harm in him asking.  I probably wouldn’t trust hi with the pics (I’ve gotten plenty of MMSs from my friends from my friends who like to share no gf material) … but I can’t knock the guy for asking since he only stretches them walls pleases you when you deem it fitting.

And lastly … but most importantly … they are long distance! While sharing pictures with the guy who lives two floors up can be a great way to add some spice, it’s not a necessity.  These guys only get to see you when Southwest has a special you’re in the same place at the same time … so it makes sense they want to see you in that way when you’re not around them often.

So, don’t be offended.  Dude #2 definitely deserves some pics.  And for the future … don’t get offended.  In my eyes, it means that he finds you attractive enough that he wants to see you at your most vulnerable.

What say you SBM Fam?  Should those lewd pictures make their way across state lines?  Have either one of these guys earned some dirty pics of the goods?

SBM aka “Mr. send a picture of my man meat right after ‘hello'”

Single Black Male Logo

Comment(22)

  1. Scenario #1…*scratch a temple* not understanding what being a highly educated professional has to do with not sending pics to a FWB…especially since you sent 'racy' pics to Scenario #2, while still being a highly educate professional? But yeah, you kinda lost me on that one, lol. Like SBM said you got physical..from his (FWB) point of view I can see him asking you for pictures since you've already shared that level of intimacy with him, no harm, no foul, only difference is the trust issue, I guess.

    Scenario #2…by your admission you've already sent him a few racy photos, so again, I can see him asking for more. In for a penny, in for a pound. You trust him, you've been intimate with him, you're moving closer to him and the relationship will get more serious. If you won't feel comfortable sending him more revealing pictures then tell him but as far as being offended..I don't know about that one… being that you already sent him racy photos and weren't offended by him asking about that.

    These aren't really answers, I guess but mainly because, like SBM, I'm not sure what the problem is.

  2. Scenario 1: Ignoring that

    Scenario 2: I'm sure he's a wonderful human being and all but I have never seen the exchange of nekkid pics or videos end well–even in marriages. How have his other relationships ended?? If he ends them badly, it's likely that the racy pics will be used negatively in the end. Since you'll be living near him soon, point that out. Tell him he'll get the real you soon enough. Oh and ask him to send you some pics. Tell him to send you the exact same poses he wants you in. By the time he sends them to you, if he sends them, you'll be living there.

  3. most of thE time they end up just deleting them (they don't have enuf sense to save them like women do) ha! ;-D

  4. Actually, I keep all of mine in a very special and encrypted folder. No one is privy to them and I haven't posted them on BGOL yet so she shouldn't be concerned.

    I'm going to ignore both of the scenarios as they have all been addressed but let me give you a soldier story:

    Oh shyt there I was out in the desert with no form of stimuli for miles. The only form of eye candy I got to see was from some 2 month old King magazine that featured Meagan Good. Those pages were a bit more tattered than the others. Now, I used to look forward to getting letters because I was hoping that one woman might send me a cleavage shot, or a lingerie shot or something to keep my mind off of war, but…for some strange reason they were under the belief that they checked our mail. Wrong! I even had internet access and didn't get any pics there either. Point of the matter is, I like visual reminders and love being able to look at the one I'm humping when she's not there.

    I will hold firm to the fact that I never used any of my chick's pictures negatively, even when it didn't go good.

  5. Yeah…sometimes I let folks use my computer but luckily, they are so intimidated by the fact that I have like 3 harddrives and I always label my pron something you'd least expect. I lost a good amount of personal homegrown in the great Harddrive crash of 2007 but I just found a program that actually might be able to recover them.

  6. I never send any man any racy pictures of myself, I don’t want them to end up somewhere on the web or if he is childish enough showing it to his friends or something like that. Whenever any guy asks, I say no. I’m not saying every guy will do that, but b/c I know guys who have and women who it has happened to, the answer is always no. Especially if it is someone who I know I am not going to have anything with.

    With Scenario 1, I agree with you not sending the pictures b/c he is obviously a dog, and who knows what he would do with the pictures. I totally agree that being a professional, you should be careful with who you send things like that to b/c jobs now do all sorts of searches on people and if it is a grimy enough dude, he could post those pictures somewhere for others to find and that would be disastrous. He seems like the type of guy who just likes to collect racy pictures of different females, and who knows what he does with them. I knew one guy who ran a site based on the pictures and videos he obtained of women, and he seemed like a nice, straight-laced guy.

    With Scenario 2, it’s your call, but I think if you trust him, it should be okay. However, I always say no. If you want to see all of that, come see me in person.

  7. Don't do it if you don't want to. I don't think it's about feeling flattered or disrespected, we as human beings are constantly testing other people's boundaries and limits to see exactly how far and what we can get away with in relation to other people, whether it's our parents, teachers, dates, spouses, friends, employers, etc.
    If you set your own boundaries, and stick to them, lines will be drawn and he'll know not to ask you to do certain things. If you do things that you are uncertain of, that you feel you may be being disrespected by, that will continue, until (extreme and worse case scenario) one day he's asking you to do some pretty wild stuff.

    I will admit that when I was younger (in high school) I used to walk away from my little relationships feeling pretty used. I often did stuff I really didn't want to because I was a people pleaser, and I did things that I thought would make these dudes happy and make them like me. Nothing sexual, because I wasn't like that in high school, but I used to give guys money, drive them places, let them use my car, etc because I had no experience and didn't know any better.
    Now, as a grown woman, I'm very strict with the boundaries that I've set for myself and my relationships, and if I don't want to do something, I don't, period.

    Now, as far as the racy pics, been there done that,lol, because that wasn't one of my boundaries at the time and he was in Iraq. My only regret is that I didn't take the pics from the neck down. But I haven't seen or heard about them online anywhere, and as long as it stays that way, I guess it's cool.

  8. One thing though … whether or not she does it is her choice. Generally speaking, you shouldn't do anything your not comfortable with … that's your right.

    BUT … getting offended? Anyone else think "no harm no foul" in the guys for asking?

  9. That ni**a gon have you on the internet. Reality of the situation is there's a risk/return for sending those pics. I have a few risque joints and yes, I keep them deep in the dungeon of my Mac, but you never know. Dude is always going to have some leverage on you if things go really bad.

  10. @SBM: "Anyone else think “no harm no foul” in the guys for asking?"

    I actually thought it was standard operating procedure to ask for them type of pics from a chick you been rolling around in the sheets for some period of time.

    @CPT Are you talkin about pictures or homemade footage?

  11. @Slim:
    I have mostly pictures however, I do have about a 60 seconds worth of "footage." Nothing that needs to be horribly censored though.

  12. Well I'm with her…I have been asked since the beginning of time to send the date I'm dating or sleeping with an inappropriate picture…yes I said inappropriate and what.

    Scenario #1:uhh yeah, self explanatory…there was no trust.

    Scenario #2:nothing is wrong with him asking, it's up to you to decide if you're willing to take it there. trust is a major factor when giving anyone a pic of yourself that may be considered racy.

    Personally I just don't do it…never have, never will…well not unless it's for my husband. It's possible I fell this way because I do have high public service aspirations, but not NEVA will I send a dude, just some guy I've been dating a picture of my goodies…but that's just me.

    Again, his asking is not disrespectful, he's a man…they're visual and like to admire from time to time their lady, that's just the way it is.

    But you have to do what's in your comfort level…regardless of the scenario.

  13. @ Jasmine:
    What's beautiful is when the ladies offer it up to you without coaxing. Luckily I have a very big hard drive (no pun).

  14. I've sent pictures once because the guy was really sweet and I thought our relationship was going somewhere. Turns out he wasn't all that sweet and was messing around with other women as well.

    Now, if a guy ever asks, I'll just sweetly decline.

  15. I understand that men are visual creatures but we are in the age of" if I want to fuck up your life I can". Take for instance, while on fb today one guy status says, "don't fuck with (insert name) she is nothing but a bitch and a slut." now he is a 21 yr old boy who's pissed imagine if he has pictures of this girl. Facebook would have caught him but it might be too late, considering it takes two seconds to right click, save as, FuckHer.pic, save.

    I a story of my own my bff in college took a drunk pic of me sleeping naked. She decided for my boyfriends bday he could have the pic. Needless to say 5 years later neither are in my life. Now I'm stuck wondering if he still has the picture of me and if he's immature/ crazy enough to use it one day.

  16. i agree with the comments that said to send the pics only if you are comfortable with doing so. if you decide to send them, only send the ones you won't be completely embarassed about if someone else were to see them. for example, i sent a topless pic to one of my boos only because i was at a topless beach and i was walking around free anyway lol. however, i wouldn't be comfortable sending a pic where i was completely naked in a freaky pose or something.

  17. Yeah I definitely agree with the comments that had to do with your comfort and trust level with that person. But not mentioning names, scenarios, etc. you may be in the moment and want to take these pics just for kicks and send it to him like Miss V said. I've had my moments lol. As long as you're comfortable with it and don't have a problem, do what you want. But still, be careful…?

  18. Well I guess everyone is different. Personally I'm not into the whole sending pics thang but I know friends who are into that so it depends on how you feel personally. I really wouldn't want to send those kind of pics… especially with my face visible… to someone unless we were married or I knew I could really trust him [and get a hold of his phone/email/camera and delete them if I needed to]. I've always felt like once you break up with a guy its likely he'd show those pics to his friends && I'm not cool with that but maybe that's just me being paranoid.

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