Home Dating & Relationships Women's Relationship Advice To Give it Up … or not to Give it up

To Give it Up … or not to Give it up

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****** Admin Note ******
Today, we are bringing you the first SBM multi-site, male & female collaboration post!  This is history people!

The beautiful, intelligent, and eloquent Nicki Sunshine of Single Sister’s Speak Out is here to speak on the topic.

Enjoy

– SBM
***********************

Picture this: you’re sitting on a couch, the lights are off, you’re supposed to be watching a movie but he keeps kissing you on your neck.  You’ve been on a few dates and you really like this guy but you’ve promised yourself you’d be strong this time… do it differently because optimally, you want to be taken seriously, you want a relationship.

But your body betrays you- the tingle in your stomach is getting lower.  He’s now laying in between your legs, trying to pull off your jeans.  In between kisses, you’re moaning, “No, I don’t want to do this,”  and he doesn’t stop.  You’re trying to fight it, but really you are not.  It feels too good. You whisper how you want to do it better this time, you want to wait. He whispers back, “we are both grown, this won’t change anything.”  Although you’ve heard it before, you think maybe this time is different.  You think, “Should I or Shouldn’t I?”

———————————–

Nicki Sunshine

It’s my experience that allows me to say this over and over again, “If you want a serious relationship, wait before you start having sex.”   I’ve had two successful relationships in my lifetime, both great men, and I waited before having sex, however I have had numerous “attempts” that ended up in big ole FAILS.

See Also:  I'm A Black Woman -- Unmarried Without Kids

I believe these relationships were successful because we allowed ourselves time to explore all of the other good qualities that we had to offer before introducing sex.   We became friends first.

With the others, I believe sex was introduced too early which totally cut out the part where we “dated” each other.  Sex became the default activity; dinner- sex, movie- sex; dinner-movie-sex.   It always ended with us doing the horizontal polka (workcite: someone).

When I engaged in this activity, I found myself always on the shorter end of the stick. While I do hear there are women like Samantha Jones that exist in real life, I am not one of them.  I found myself continuing to have sex with these cats, and falling for them.  All the while they were just seeing me as a cool chick with the good-good.

When you have sex immediately, the chase is over. What does he need to chase with you already lying on your back? He’s already got it. And this point, it really doesn’t matter how funny/charming/smart you are.

Tuesday morning, I caught the tail end of Steve Harvey’s response to a woman’s “Strawberry Letter,” solicitation for advice.  I heard him say, that in his book, he offers his 90 day rule for women so we can feel a man out.  He states that initially men, pull out their hunting instincts and tell you FIRST, what you want to hear and SECOND, what will make them look good in our eyes….. And after that, THEN we get the truth.

See Also:  Your Boyfriend Won't Replace Your Father

Value yourself; Janet Jackson said it best, “Let’s wait a while.”

SBM

First and foremost … F*ck Steve Harvey.

He’s an excellent comedian, a sharp dresser (although loud as hell), a fellow bald header, and a good radio host … but I don’t agree with his advice and the negative effects of his book will resonate throughout black dating well after he and his ghost writer have spent off the millions from the book deal.  I’m not for rules, lists, or regulations and I hear he is all about it.  For shame!

Now, with that being said.  Yes women … keep your legs close … for a little while!

Yes … I actually agree.  Shocked?

Holding out forever, and placing random across the board rules for when you smash him down (like this 90 day BS) isn’t the way to go.  It kind of turns sex into a commodity, you will be counting down the days until you can get that back broke, and you will most likely be looking more forward to the act and fits of ecstasy than the actual connection and forward movement with the relationship that is supposed to happen.

Personally, early puss has never led to me bunning a chic up.  It’s not so much that I don’t respect her, but now I’m more focused on the pum pum than the brain (no pun) that is attached to it.  And one very bad consequence … I stay involved with her.  Yes … this is bad, because I’ve often decided, for some unrelated reason, I don’t want her as a gf … but I want booty … so I leave “impress” mode and go into a “maintain” loop.  I call when I have to, I buy dinner when I have to, and the amount of cheap wine increases.

See Also:  The Inconsistencies In How We Give Men and Women Advice

So when should the draws hit the floor?  When you’re convinced her likes you for you, a sufficient number of real dates have occurred.  It should feel good, natural, you shouldn’t feel disrespected, and you should truly know he ain’t gonna dip the day after. Your judge should be actions … not days!

Also, please remember that there is oral and hand stimulation that will help curb the hunger, but can still give the desired end result.  Yes … you should be s*cking before you’re f*cking!

Basic rule of thumb (for women only) … wait until you feel ready … then wait another week (or 5 dates … whichever is shorter) to give him that special.

Oh … and if your a guy … beat early and often. Yeah, yeah … its a d

———————————–

So, ladies … to answer the question: Give it up (you should) … just wait.  5th date D* is better than 1st date D* … and the same goes for the P*.

– SBM & Nicki Sunshine

Comment(40)

  1. Cosign and cosign. Ladies (and gents) lock it down for a minute. I HATE rules (3 dates, dates, 90 days, 60 days, stop the madness). The point is not to be passing it out like a 2-for-1 KFC online coupon before you can spell the person's name properly.

    Know the mind before you know the body. If all you're trying to do is grab-n-go, that's one thing. But if you actually want a relationship, learn somebody's cereal preference before letting them stay for breakfast.

    I'm just sayin'…

  2. I agree with Nicki. especially " All the while they were just seeing me as a cool chick with the good-good." yep.

    I am also of the mindset that rules suck, but you have to do what's right for you to get the results you desire. If that means holding out….

    1. "I am also of the mindset that rules suck, but you have to do what’s right for you to get the results you desire"

      Exactly… I think that's the part where I messed up. I wasn't being honest with myself.

  3. see thats why i tend to hold out sometimes (when it feels right) on stroking these chicks too early. then they just look at you like a cool dude that they can call when they need their walls stretched. i want a woman to respect me for my mind first and foremost.

  4. Ha. I kinda touched on this waiting three months rule in the post I did today…Anyway…

    1. Why the hell is a man in your house and you in his if you aren't trying to have chex? Keep all interaction outside of your respective homes.

    2. You have chex when you would feel comfortable giving a man the key to your home. If you don't trust him with your electronics, why trust him with you insides and possibly heart?

    3. Some people need rules spelled out because they have chosen to not have self-control otherwise.

    1. "Why the hell is a man in your house and you in his if you aren’t trying to have chex? Keep all interaction outside of your respective homes."

      AMEN. But some men will have you throwing your common sense (read: panties) out the window though…. it all sounds so reasonable and self explanatory when written out though.

      1. Nicki: I don't think women even go into it thinking that they must get to know the man BEFORE screwing him. Also, the decision about whether you are going to have chex with a man has to be made BEFORE you're in the situation. You (not you per se) can avoid having to make snap decisions if you stay the heck out of homes. If he must come to your home, let him come to a group event. But until you've decided to have chex, I see no reason why he should be laying up in the house establishing a false sense of familiarity.

        When he asks you to come over, you can decline. You don't have to even say why. You can say, "Oh I have plans that night but I'm going hiking/biking/other outdoor activity on Saturday. Wanna come?"

  5. #1 – Cosign with the Fraternal One: F*ck a steve harvey

    any of you who follow that 90 day business will turn into a hobby chick, a pastime for a dude while he does him (ill blog about this after the summer bec I swore off of serious posts, lol)

    I think whatever you can handle, you do. Just dont lie to yourself, and be tru to yourself. Sometimes, you don't know if you're trying to wife someone up, and you may be in it just for sex (both parties) and it develops later.

    Nikki, I've had successful relationships where sex was introduced early, and I've gotten PLAYED in others where I waited. Its all Russian Roulette, where even if you play your cards right, you could still be the one get their brain blown out!

    1. "Nikki, I’ve had successful relationships where sex was introduced early, and I’ve gotten PLAYED in others where I waited. Its all Russian Roulette, where even if you play your cards right, you could still be the one get their brain blown out!"

      I won't dispute you there.. I was speaking strictly from my experience.. Although I am not a supporter of putting a time limit on it, (say 90 days), I do support Steve's concept.

      1. streetz is EXACTLY right. The problem with these rules is that dudes learn to work around them—not only do they wait 90 days and bounce, but they'll then start treating women like the lap counter on a stopwatch, go after each one when their time is up, and go back and forth.

        If the rules-girl is lucky dude will bounce.

        What will probably happen is actually that he'll wait 90 days, beat and beat and beat until he's done with her, all the while making the lady think, incorrectly, that since he's "waited" he's committed, when in fact he's running a hidden harem with a bunch of other ladies on the side. This is more common than you think ladies!

        That's the danger of making 'standards' or 'rules' that have nothing to do with the *particular* guy you know–it makes you predictable and more likely to get treated like a sucker.

  6. I've also had successful relationships where we got it popped early in the game. I think it depends on the bol and the jawn. I think ppl should have sex when they want to and the feel ready to

  7. Nick – I see you've gone extra sassy with the lips pic. Must admit, I'm a little jealous, lol. *sniff*

    Antywho – I don't really oppose "house dates". Not for a first date (or even second), but a home cooked meal and hanging can be fun, cheap and non-chexual. Just don't let yourself get into the "danger zone". Those "just hangin'" dates can tell you a lot about a person because the relaxed atmosphere is not conducive to the dreaded representatives.

    Anna " Lil' Lips" Nimous

  8. I agree that lists and rigid time frames are silly and you should always wait until you're comfortable, however I have to disagree with this one point:

    "Also, please remember that there is oral and hand stimulation that will help curb the hunger, but can still give the desired end result. Yes … you should be s*cking before you’re f*cking!"

    Once you take it there, it's damn near impossible to stop and this teasing has a tendency to leave both parties unsatisfied and confused. I would never start any of that unless I was ready and willing to give the man everything. I also personally think s*cking is a far more intimate act and always wait to do that, however that's just me.

    1. i agree. im not putting my mouth down there till im ready to take it all the way. && i dont see the difference between waiting to have sex and waiting to give oral sex. if ur giving oral sex ur having sex! thats not waiting!

  9. Great post! I read both websites daily! I agree with the home dates thing. I have a guy who is trying to see me, but he always wants to come to my house. When I'm out and about and ask if he wants to meet for drinks, dinner, etc, there is always a reason he can't. Makes me think he's only trying to get in my pants. Which is a real turn-off for me. If that's what you want, be honest and tell me. Let me decide. But I don't do well with the 'only sex' thing. I get attached. And he seems like a playa.

  10. The reason why most relationships and marriages don't work out is because we confuse lust for love. My honest belief is that if a guy truly loves you, he will wait. What's the point in having sexual relations with someone who isn't your husband? Ladies if marriage is the goal why allow some random man (can I count boyfriends as random) to test drive your vagina? Sex doesn't guarantee a long term relationship. Why are people so focused on getting between the sheets instead of cultivating a meaningful relationships? Often times if we took the time to examine the character of the person we are interested in, you'll be surprised what bit of information comes out. Without adding sex into the equation, you are really forced to learn about the person and their core value system. So my advice for men and women is to abstain. Basically ladies stop allowing men to use you as a sexual toilet. Men stop thinking with your penis and get to know the woman for who she is, not what’s between her legs.

  11. The truth hurts at times, and I fear that Harvey is making the ladies feel better instead of telling them what they need to hear–even if it feels a bit like a whipping. So I'll help out:

    The decision to go all the way should be based on the particular relationship a lady with a dude, it shouldn't be based on some a priori standards. That goes by the way, for the ladies who think it's cute to have given it up every day and sunday for Tyrone and the rest of the football gang and finally decides to act prude with some dude who is actually relationship material. That's just as much BS as the 30 or 60 day rule crap. (after all, why punish a good guy for being willing to treat you better than the other hooligans?

    No matter how "nice" a guy is, he reads it as a PUNISHMENT that he waits forever when others didn't.) No guy who knows his value (unless he's super super religious) would ever want to feel like he has "earned the right" to be put on pause for months and years when others got the fast forward. It's not cute and doesn't fly with any straight men I've ever met.

    Thus, sex shouldn't be treated as some "reward" for sticking around, nor as some bargaining chip, nor as something that has to be "earned." Acting that way only encourages guys to act strategically i.e. to run off to another chick who isn't on some immature manipulative nonsense.

    Finally, ladies when they are younger (talking under 25) need to actually value guys who care about "who she is." When guys see that the game is played one way when we are young, it's ridiculous to expect them to trust that the same ladies now actually want to care about personality. (as opposed to child support for kids that aren't his, or as a therapist for emotional disorders from bad dating choices in the past).

    So it's not a winning argument to tell mid 20s or early 30s ladies to suddenly start having 'standards.' That's WAY too late, it needs to start from adolescence when many of us form our understandings of relationships and sexuality. Harvey's not going to tell the sisters that because it'll hurt his book sales tremendously, but I do respect his hustle.

    But the ladies need to know that while Harvey does have a point, it's not sufficient to get the results they want.

    Ladies need to have standards without being arbitrary or manipulative and they need to get those standards FAR EARLIER in their lives.

    1. @AB

      "Ladies need to have standards without being arbitrary or manipulative and they need to get those standards FAR EARLIER in their lives."

      Wow…I concur.

  12. Think Pretty Smart “Why the hell is a man in your house and you in his if you aren’t trying to have chex? Keep all interaction outside of your respective homes”

    I def can agree with this, if you are not ready for the closeness or cuddling then there should be no home visits. Im very private about my personally space people are to quick to let a man or woman into their space so quickly and then they figure out this is not the person for them…then they get stuck trying to get them out.

    Well I do agree with Steves concept…and I also agree with making a man wait. I have the certain rules of my own way before the book even came out.

    As for me I feel even in 3 months you still don’t know the person. This rule for me is more as a getting to know you process to see if I can stand to be around you for a long period of time. Not so much about the chex. But I am a firm believer in holding out. I believe it helps the person focus on you and what you are really about. I have made sum men wait up 3 to5 months (which includes oral too) because I was not ready. I am very particular when it comes to chex as anybody should be…

    1. Men focus too much on the waiting aspect. We maybe need to reframe it to be something more like, "Waiting to get to know him." People can swallow that better cus the notion of waiting is rubbing folks the wrong way. LOL

      And for those who don't think a man will wait, try it and see. Most talk a good game. Not only will they wait but they will stick around.

      1. I think guys would be more ok with waiting if they felt some substantive reason for it other than some pre-set "rule" that has nothing to do with them and the particular relationship they are in.

        Another way of looking at it is the fear of the "let's just be friends" BS girls pull–that if you are 'waiting' you are really just being treated as a trick who can NEVER have a chance.

  13. Aint chex a cereal what's with not calling it its correct name sex? My feeling well I was born to married parents the 2nd and last kid…that year pops got the boot so hey the only garuntees in life is death and change. As for when to do it its all subjective I say never expect it too soon but don't act like you don't have ANY intentions, if I asked to take you out I may have already come to terms with sexin you. For me it can happen that fast but with age the date+convo are filters for me to ponder do I want to really have sex with you or not

  14. I don't know what became of my 1st reply but I stated waitin is subjective, I was born to married parents but that year pops got the boot, no sure things in life except death n change last, chex is a snack what's up with call sex a snack?

  15. I agree that rules are dumb, but then again so are a lot of people. I don't have a 90 day rule, but I have shared with many a brotha that he'll get in when I am ready. The next question is usually "When will you be ready?" In reality who knows. Maybe its a week maybe its a month or more. I urge my Divas to get in tune with their instinct which almost always will tell you where dude is coming from. It's not hard to tell when man is thinking, we just like to ignore it when its not what we want.

    If you want a commitment and you sense he just wants to have fun, keep it moving, you're not going to change him anyway. If you want to get a little tail to scratch an itch, make it happen! Above all be honest with yourself. If you know dude just wants sex either get it and quit it or kick him to the curb!

    FYI men will wait around if they really like you (if he has any sense). They have most of yall fooled into thinking you'll lose him, but in reality when man has a good thing, he'll be there. If he does leave know he wasn't that into you in the first place and/or he wasn't worth it anyway.

  16. this thn called boy-girl relationship,u cant rily say these set of rules will work…..some be game playing,even the games backfire,do wht feels right to u, be perceptive, be wise, get to know the guy.l……different rules work for different scenarios

    Wht of a virgin's case?does it now mean she shd not allow smooching early cos it'll spoil the relationship????/wht rules will apply to her?

    I think the law of attraction supercedes all of this, if u truly truly like someone and ur looking for a longterm thing,and ur emotionally available for tht relationship ish, it wldnt even matter if the chic slept with u the first day, if the attraction was tht strong.my two cents.

    1. you had me until "FIRST DAY"! lol. i dont care how strong the connection is. a dude should not be able to get into your panties the first day you meet him or on the first date. that's pure lust. there's no real "attraction" there other than physical. theres no way you know someone that well after spending just a few hours with them.

  17. I'd rather wait to I know we are BOTH comfortable sharingsex with each other. I dont mind waiting, for my ego believes that I can hit anytime i want, and that she is feeling me. Im in no rush.

    and yes, ladies. making a man wait is very important unless you've found that made you share mutual feelings with and understanding. If all the man wants to do is hit, once he's hit there is no convincing him you are any different from the rest of the girls.

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