Dr. J Answers The Mail

9
posta
As a life coach, there is always someone hoping to get some time on my couch. I haven’t been accepting new patients lately because I’m writing book, blog and I have a full plate of clients already. However, it’s time to answer the mail that we have received. Secretary Skridbit seems to think that if she piles it up in front of my door, I can’t open my office without reading it. #FAIL.

Dear Dr. J,
Why is it easier to meet married men rather than single men?

With Regards,
Monica L.

Dear Monica:

I’m glad you asked this question. It’s actually not a hard one to answer at all. Many men’s magazines have tackled this one, so I won’t profess to be dropping knowledge, but let me just reiterate some points. It’s not easier to meet married men; you’re more attractive to men who happened to be married. Married men have some very attractive traits;
1) They are stable, women crave something stable and safe. Not someone they are worried might leave them one day. Men in relationships come across as safer.
2) You think they know how to treat a woman. They always say it’s easier to get a job when you have a job.
3) You want what you can’t have, and so some women are just that sketchy. Nothing turns anyone on more than power and greed. Women have this problem too, so they go after married men.
4) He is a sheep in wolf’s clothing. You sit there and you tell this guy all of your problems and you suspect that since he is married he won’t make a pass at you. You get completely vulnerable and then he pounces on you like the wounded gazelle you are.

Best,
Dr. J

Dear Dr. J,
Why are “good” Black guys going for white girls?

See Also:  How to Be A Good Housewife in 10 Easy Steps [WikiHow]

With regards,
Ms. Black Eyed Pea

Dear Black Eyed Pea:
Your designation as “good” implies as those are guys that you are attracted to, whether it be looks or personality, I can’t be sure. Be careful. Perhaps, the type of guy that you are into, is just into white girls. We are all guilty of this. Admittedly, I’m 5’9”, I like girls who are 5’7” and taller, this wasn’t really working out for me. Why? Because all those women tended to like taller guys… after they put on heels. If you are not finding luck attracting “good” guys then change your definition of what a good guy is. There is nothing wrong with you deciding that you want to date a Black man who does not date interracially. (Dique)

Ciao,
Dr. J

DM @DrJayJack:
What is the difference between a preference and a prerequisite?

Yours Truly,
@AngieStoneFan

DM @AngieStoneFan – You know I got mad love for you and I appreciate the support. You would ask me this question and I’m well versed on how to answer the question at this stage in the game. Here is my opinion; a prerequisite is a signal of a deal killer. If this person does not have A, then I will not date them, or I will not do this for them, etc. A preference, is simply something that you would prefer. Like, a perfect example would be the difference between a person who has a type and a complex. A woman may say, I like my guys to be brown skin. However, her current boyfriend is white. That’s a preference, meaning, if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t. If that same woman meets a light skin dude and is like, oh no I won’t date him because he’s light skin. That chica has a complex. That’s a prerequisite. And may God rest her soul because she will die a lonely death. Keep your head up Ma.

Always 1-hunnit, @DrJayJack

Hopefully, this gets my secretary off my back.  And also satisfies some of you faithful readers here at SBM.  Please let me know if i’m giving bad advice.  And do not forget next week we will return the, Get Over Series, with the fourth installment.  I’ll see you guys next week.
– Dr. J also known as Ay Let Me Twitter Dat

Comment(9)

  1. "4) He is a sheep in wolf’s clothing. You sit there and you tell this guy all of your problems and you suspect that since he is married he won’t make a pass at you. You get completely vulnerable and then he pounces on you like the wounded gazelle you are."

    This happened to me!!! I thought this married guy was my friend, but that ninja turned out to be an undercover wolf!

    Great advice, Dr. J.

  2. "This happened to me!!! I thought this married guy was my friend, but that ninja turned out to be an undercover wolf!"

    That happens to a lot of women. Even the ones who are not trying to get with a married guy. And it is all because the woman thinks the guy is safe because he is married.

    1. I agree.. I wasn't trying to get with this fool.

      I should've known though because I went to the club with him and a group of people and the way he and this girl was grinding was just not right! lol

  3. "If that same woman meets a light skin dude and is like, oh no I won’t date him because he’s light skin. That chica has a complex. That’s a prerequisite. And may God rest her soul because she will die a lonely death. Keep your head up Ma."

    Man I see this and hear this a lot. I never understood why someone would limit their options that way. Just like someone with no job getting offered 40K a year and turning it down because they want nothing below 60K. That may be why you have no job now (i.e. man/woman).

    1. Well now this depends. Some people have a "take what you can get" attitude. Others have a "you gotta start somewhere" attitude. Now I prefer to know what I want and go after it, I've never been one to settle. I wouldn't compare dating to the job search because one is your bread and butter and the other you can do without, nonetheless I get the analogy. It's my opinion that having prerequisites puts you in a position to know what you want, get what you want and thank God that you didn't have to put up with drama associated with the trial and error method.

      The problem with prerequisites is that not everyone can differentiate them from far-fetched fairytales. Another problem is that some people don't realize that they may not ever meet some one who fits their criteria because they don't have what it takes to attract that caliber of people.

      Make sure you bring to the table qualities that match the qualities you expect.

  4. Married dudes are the biggest competition out here in the streets. It's nothing for me to hear dudes creepin and all that, but women do the same thing when they are "bored." As much as women complain about their encounters with married guys, I don't see a slowdown in the events happening. I thought about getting a wedding band and rockin it at a bar just to see if it's a magnet like it's perceived to be.

  5. Great advice, Dr. J. Especially the married man thing. You raise a good point that they have the qualities of a man that women would want to marry like stability. It seems obvious since they're — ya know, MARRIED — but I never really thought about it that way. And actually, these men usually have that aura about them before I even glance at the ring finger. Whenever I see a man THAT put together in his life, I gotta make a quick glance at the finger because he's more than likely taken.

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