SBM: “Come on love … we have to hurry up. The movie starts in 15 minutes!”
Babycakes: “15 minutes … I don’t know if I can make that.”
SBM: “What do you mean? You’ve been getting ready for an hour. Its the hood movie theater … not a premier.”
BC: “Yeah … but the paint on my nail chipped … and I don’t think I can be seen in public with it like this …”
SBM: **slams door on the way out the house**
Another day …
SBM: “I figured out what we’re doing for your birthday. We can drive up to …”
Boo Boo Bun Bun: **cutting me off** “Did you say drive?”
SBM: “Uh … yes. To NY. I found a nice place at a good price in Harlem.”
BBBB: “Uh … drive. Uh … Harlem.”
SBM: **rolls eyes** “Did I misfire last night and get clog you ear something happen to your ear? You need a ride to the doctor?”
BBBB: “Was the Park Hyatt in Manhattan fully booked? Did the airport shut down on that day?”
SBM: “You know I’m trying to save for Business school … but I know we’ll have fun. I spent hours planning it.”
BBBB: “Well let me know how it is!”
Flashback … again
SBM: “So where do you want to eat? There is a Ruby Tuesday, Jaspser’s and … oh yeah … Outback Steakhouse. I could go for a steak.”
Boughie Potential Girlfriend: **stares at me … long pause**
SBM: “They have other stuff besides steak you know.”
BPG: ” Do I look like the kind of girl that eats at Outback Steakhouse?!?!?!”
SBM: “I brought by some chicken wings, grape drink (not juice … “drink”) , and some malt liquor for the movie.”
Love of my life: “My favorite things … with my favorite guy.”
SBM: “Did I tell you I love you?”
LOML: “Everyday …”
Life is hard for a man. I mean … I walk around horny all day thinking of the ills of human society, I have to deal with the plethora of double standards afflicting me, and I have to remember to say pause every time I use “meat” and “my mouth” in the same sentence (pause). It’s enough to drive an guy crazy.
So why would I (or any other non-simping, self respecting black man) subject myself to a grown woman who took her dad’s nickname of “My Little Princess” a little to literally? Why do I want to find myself forever running late as I wait for someone who can’t decide between the Gucci or the D&G purse? Why do I want to be around someone who refuses to taste, eat, or enjoy my favorite foods because their “ghetto”? Why can’t I go to Red Lobster?
Let it be known now … and let it be forever recorded
SBM despises High Maintenance women
Yeah … despise … like G.W. … like the KKK … like BET!
So instead of taking up hours ranting on the greatness of Low Maintenance women … I’m proud to present the:
Top 3 Reasons Men Love Low Maintenance Women
It doesn’t take hours to get ready
If the show starts at 10, why are we leaving the house at 1045? Why can’t you wear sweatpants to 7-Eleven? Its nice to know that it won’t take hours to leave the house. Have you ever thought why there is no cure for cancer? Lack of funding … no. Too hard … puh … we put a man on the moon … try again. Good doctors are rich … and a lot have georgous and high maintenance wives … therefore the 30% of their life that could go to curing cancer is spent waiting on their wives … or sneaking around with the mistress.
You can have a “cheap” date
The high maintenance female does not know of a cheap date. There is no Red Lobster. There is no “quick bite to eat at Red Lobster”. There is no late night carry out run. While everyone should be able to enjoy the nicer things in life … bootleg carryout food won’t kill you we’re in a recession. We need balance and a steak from Outback!
“The Thought” … actually counts
Ever planned an evening out for that special girl. You tell her you have a surprise for her and to come to your spot in the “get em” heels. You go the good supermarket (read: the one in the less colorful part of town) and get everything for her favorite dish after googling the recipe. You pull together everything you picked up watching Hell’s Kitchen, and bust out a meal that would beat the Iron Chef. You light the candles and wait. She comes in … sees the food laid out, sees some rose petals sprinkled around the table, sees the candle lit. She then looks you right into your eyes … and says … “So … we’re aren’t going out somewhere to eat? Why did I dress up?” Yes … sadly there are many women who are only impressed when big dollars are dropped. And to those b*tches, individuals … you deserve to be single.
Today, I’m gonna keep it short and leave the other 50 reasons for twitter and another post.
Are there any women willing to repent their high maintenance ways and accept a the “low maintenance” spirit today? Are there any trying to justify this high maintenance nonsense? Guys … feel me?
– SBM aka “Eat the chicken wings” aka Red Lobster All You Can Eat Shrimp fanboy
P.S. – The steaks at Outback really aren’t that great … but when you just want a big piece of meat (pause) in your mouth (double pause … and a ‘no homo’) … hard to beat em.