Because we love all of our readers so much, all this week, we here at SingleBlackMale.net will be responding to emails that have come in from readers. Everyday you will see a different person respond to a different reader and drop a new nugget of insight as it regards someone’s situation. Who loves ya?
Onto this poor girl’s problem.
Hey… I love your site! I’ve been thinking about a situation that I’ve been curious about for a while and I hope you can help. Anywho…
There’s this guy I have known for almost two years… We graduated from the same college but were never friends up until after graduation due to us running across each other’s paths and exchanging numbers. After our meeting, we would hang out and watch movies, text, chat a bit but we never kissed but we did hug. He would always consider coming over to chill or invite me over to chill…. After about a year, we hung out and had our first kiss… Keep in mind, i’m 26 and he’s 25. We still hung out and hugged and maybe 3 months later we had sex (protected of course) but only once… After the sex, we still hung out… I’ll go over to watch a movie or he’d come over to me… He always pops up and ask what I have planned and want to come over but it’s random and he’s not much of a talker but i’m interested in him… I think this is an ultimate challenge, but I’m so confused… So what’s your take? Hope this is enough info for you 🙂
Not sure why, but women wanting to share their true feelings with some guy is the #1 question I get. As a guy, not sure we are even allowed to ask someone else for that … I think “man up” is the advice I would get. These double standards are a mean one.
Well, Ms. Royale, it looks like you have already gone through the hard part. You’ve kissed, and you have had sex … therefore it won’t be too weird or awkward when you let it known that you think of him as more than a friend. It also means that there is a good chance he finds you attractive. BUT … be forewarned that just because he smashed … does not mean he likes you (life lesson here people!). Us guys … well … sex can sometimes be like watching Tiny and Tonya, you know you shouldn’t, its not even that enjoyable … but gotta watch something.
Personally, I say you have two approaches … but the end goal is the same … let him know that you like him. I know most women do not handle rejection in any way shape or form, in any universe, this or alternate very well, but you have to take a risk … you might find “The Best You Ever Had”.
Game Plan #1: Full on
You’ve had sex, you chill with him all the time, you can just let him know that you want to be more than friends. You seem to be good enough friends, and he might be receptive to you just saying something. There is a small chance he might think “I can’t be friends with you anymore if you like me” … but he has already made you hit that high note while grabbing your hair love to you, so I don’t think he is gonna be to surprised. So, go ahead and let it known. Make a pass at him, grab something special, and straight up tell him.
Obviously, the biggest con with this approach is that any rejection is blatant and in your face, and I know this can be tough for many women. But, you will most likely get your answer quick and not waste any time.
Game Plan #2: Ramp it up slowly
This is the strategy I would tell any guy who was trying to jump out of the friend zone (with no previous beats). Basically, you become more and more flirtatious, you become more and more forward, and you gauge his response. You said he is kind of quiet, and as a reformed shy guy, I know they can need a baseball bat hit of “give me that dick your love” to let him know you really are interested in him.
The biggest con with this is that it may take long and you might read him wrong, therefore missing your opportunity. With this “approach”, you can be less obvious, and it might work well since you have history. Also, if it is taking to long, you can always jump to the first game plan … and get your man.
One thing I want you to be weary of is the woman who says “wait for him … any man who wants you will come after you!” While this might apply to the majority, your friendship and the fact that he is shy means that he might like you and just not be able to tell you. I think if he really was going to make a move, he would have. You don’t know why he hasn’t, so don’t assume … just go and find out.
As I always say, the real power of asking any question here is the comments. Don’t let this poor girl down! You feel me? Am I leading her astray? Is there a better way for her to get her man?
I think the advice was dead on right. They been hanging out for a year and she needs to go ahead and see what the deal is.
The thing that stuck out to me was "pops up and ask what I have planned and want to come over but it’s random and he’s not much of a talker". The "random" portion kind of says to me he may not be all that serious. Because over the course of a whole year if a guy wants you, then it won't feel random. And the no talking portion may elude to the fact that he may not want you to know something.
Back in my day I had fillers. Women I would kick it with and chill with but never really wanted to be with, sex was involved with some. They passed the time until a woman came along I really wanted. To me it sounds like a filler situation but I could be wrong. He may be shy and not comfortable with making the next move. I have been that guy too…majority of my relationships the woman asked me so…
You are not wrong. This chick is trying to move them from HANGING OUT to dating. And this dud e is 25. She's going to say something to him and he's going to look at her like she's speaking german. Why? Cus in his mind, they are hanging out and that's all cus that's all he wants.
I don't think she should make a fool out of herself for no reason. I mean they already had sex. Meaning she let him hit so chances are he knows she feels something stronger than friendship. If he was too shy to reveal his true feelings, I think that would've relieved some of the akwardness. Also, the fact that he hasn't said anything to suggest he wants more nor has he tried to have sex again, speaks volumes. Ever consider that he's only coming around so much because ya'll are cool & he's bored?
AMEN. At this rate, I won't even have to write a comment cus y'all are so spot on.
To the emailer: Can I be real son? (Be real son.) You're not going to ever get out of the friend zone. I can think of a million situations like this. And really nothing ever comes out of it. The fact of the matter is this: 1) He smashed, 2) You respond to his beck and call. 3) He's wildly inconsistent and not really into you. In his mind, if he wanted to make you more important he would have done that. He also would be making a concerted effort as well. The only thing that can really come of this situation is a fwb situation.
Well, let me ammend that, he may do fwb until you give him that no buns alta matem, and then he may wife you. However, if he's not in contact with you, he's probably still in contact with some other chicks.
SBM: Generally good advice. Game Plan #1 could leave her with nothing. You know sometimes we go all-in and lose all our winnings. Game Plan #2 is best. Or I propose Game Plan #3 – FWB and then lay the alta matem in like month 6.
I could never tell a girl to get into a FwB situation with the hoped of getting promoted to a real gf. That defeats the whole beauty of the FwB. What your suggesting makes a mockery of the institution of the FwB actually.
I agree, for shame!
But I think fwb can turn into a relationship. But I digress, I will not destroy the beauty that is FWB.
This is not a situation where you're winning. When you're confused, remove all of the emotion from the situation. What do you want? What does he want? What are you getting? What is he getting? Seems he's getting exactly what HE wants. You're the one writing in to some blog asking how you can get what you want. Not a good deal.
Also, whether you have the conversation or not, you need to disengage. You're setting yourself up to be that in-between chick–if you aren't her already. He'll doggedly pursue the chicks he wants. Hell, he might even tell you about those women. And when those women are gone, he'll come back to you. And you, because you like him, will take him back. And you'll be thinking, "He has to come around sooner or later and see that all those other chicks ain't shyt and I've been by his side through them all." Naw, sweetie, men don't think like that. They think, "I'm horny/bored/lonely. Who's available? Who won't put any demands on me?"
Terrible advice. Just awful. This dude knows she's into him, and takes her completely for granted. He knows she's a dick towel in the waiting. The only way you MIIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHT crawl out of the friend zone is to make yourself unavailable rapidly. When he calls you over for some movie-watching and light fingering, tell him you have a date, or are otherwise busy. If you don't value your time and space, no one else will, and if he knows he's your only option, he haqs no incentive to do anything. All that is to say, he's just not that into you.
My advice as well.
This will only work if a man has limited to no options other than her. If he has a deep bench, then he will assume the risk and keep it moving. Withholding sex, more times than not, gets you waived from the team when you're on the bench. But if you're starting, then you have a better shot at getting what you want.
At the risk of seeming immature, I'd say fuck it… Quit responding
Apparently everyone thinks this situation is going nowhere fast … but let me offer a "point of view".
What's the harm in trying?
I mean … the only race you are guaranteed to lose is the one you don't run. It may be a guy thing for me, but the worst that can happen is he says no or turns her down. Especially with option 1, she will have her answer and be done with things in a day. And since he is a guy, what's the chance that he will actually stop chilling with her after she says "I like you"?
So, in defense of my expert advice … stop being scurred!
Problem is, she won't be done with it after she gets the answer. She will stick around looking for every sign that he was 'scared', 'intimidated', or whatever other code words Essence has given women to help them deal with the fact that dude isn't checking for them like that.
What she needs to learn early in the game is that you never allow yourself to 'hang out' with someone you like for a damned year without some 'What are we doing?' talk taking place. A year? Puh-leeze!
I cosign this statement. No matter how shy a dude is he has a gauge on how much a womans feelin him. Her only problem may be that hes comfy with their situation, and feels like she would've spoke up by now if she liked him like that.
Just know if option #1 is chosen, its def all or nothing. He'll hear that, may not want that, and bounce
Option 2 FTW
Once she let dude hit, she officially became a fwb. Sorry he doesn't see her more than that. If that is what she wants cool, enjoy. If not, I suggest she move on.
He's already had sex with her…why would he want to committ? He's got it easy right now….1. sex…2. cool person to chill with whenever…3.no relationship stress–perks of a relatioship without actually having to be in one so he's still free to do whatever/whenver and not answer to anyone…it's better to move on….i would say give it a shot if no sex was involved…
I would either take option 1 like ASAP or just move the heck on so you can stop waisting your time and energy…who needs more ramping up after a year. Not to be mean but..I think men either want you or they don't..for a woman they really want they will do everything short of cutting off the frank and beans…for one that they just like having in the corner waiting..they'll do what homeboy is doing to you…Bullsh*ting.
I have to co-sign with Ms. Pretty on all points. CLEARLY this dude does not want her. CLEARLY she is in a FWB situation. There is NO POINT in even mentioning her feelings to him. She will come out of it humiliated and feeling used. Just see it for what it is. Ya'll are FWB and guaranteed he is pursuing the women he is into. Either play your position or quit. (IMHO) Oh, and I speak from experience. You can be best besties, see each other 3 or 4 nights a week, and be intimate, and everything I said still applies. He doesn't want you. OR YOU WOULD KNOW OTHERWISE.
Royale now that you gave away the goodies they ain't no way going back! He done already got that milk for free w/out having 2 buy the cow, know what I'm sayin? I say MOVE ON! Drop that man to the curb and wait for yourself a real gentlemen that will undergo the proper courtship.
This is a done deal. Homegirl is officially in the FWB zone. This zone (from experience) is a black hole from which there is NO RETURN. It seems from the "randomness" of his pursuits he probably ain't interested in anything serious. Like other commenters have already said, he already has EVERYTHING he wants, why get into a relationship?
I would say cut your losses and all ties with him and keep it moving. If you MUST know ('cause sometimes us girls need "closure"), then ask him straight out about how he feels. That way it's a done deal either way and you aren't wasting anymore time.
Just went through this shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like today….girl protect ur heart no one else, can, btw he was my first and the same shit applied.