Home Advice RAW: The S*xual Multitasker

RAW: The S*xual Multitasker

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In continuing with this week’s theme of responding to reader questions, I’m gonna summarize part of a reader’s email to us and include a good chunk of her actual words. I’ll follow that up with my thoughts. Let’s begin…

The reader had her eye on a dude who works in a store she frequents. She approached him and they started talkin’. He told her that his mom had recently passed and that he got divorced in 2008…and that his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend helped him care for his mother, so he was just lookin’ for a FWB scenario and not a relationship. A guy that’s upfront? Yep, it’s a wonderful thing isn’t it? Anyways, the reader ended up dude’s house which he apparently inherited from his mother. The reader and dude end up doin’ the do. She ended up feelin’ disappointed because she wanted to wait him out a bit. The dude invites her over 2 days later to “finish what they started”. She was cool with that and figured she’d go over to get hers. That’s when things got interesting:

When I came over things were cool and we got into our groove then all of a sudden his phone goes off, and while I’m giving him oral sex he is checking his phone. I then tell him that its rude so he puts his thang away. Later as we are actually having intercourse, he gets up in the middle of it and checks the window. When I ask  him whats the problem he only mumbles something incoherently and we get back to what we are doing. Because we were in the middle of sex, I didnt really think too long on his actions but once it was over, I felt uncomfortable. Once we’re done, he puts on his clothes and walks out the door, when I ask him where he went he says he had to go get something from his car. Oh and by the way we had sex in his living room. He only went to his bedroom to get more condoms.

So as I get dressed and we get up to leave he asks me if everything is ok, he says I look disapointed. He then concludes that he thinks its because I didn’t spend the night, and that’s why I’m upset. I tell him no, but at the moment I couldn’t fully formulate an explanation as to why I was so irritated and upset. He tells me that when I am ready to tell him what was wrong to just call him.

I havent spoken to him since he dropped me off and I really dont want to see him again. I’m just wondering if I should call him and explain to him why I was upset and let him know that I dont want to see him again or should I just wait for him to call then explain or just not talk to him altogether. I also want to know what was up with that weird behavior.

Faithful SBM Reader,
Buttercup Cakes

I had to read this email a few times—partially because I found the man’s living room/bedroom antics to be hilarious, and partially because I was genuinely intrigued. With regard to Buttercup’s question as to whether she should call him and tell him why she’s upset, I think that’s a definite yes. Even if you had only thronxed a couple of times, it doesn’t hurt to tell him that he ODed and as a result you don’t wanna deal with him anymore. 95% of the time, closure is a good thing. I’d also hate for you to be walkin’ around thinkin’ about what he did but never gettin’ it off your breasts. Then next thing you know, you go into that store and see him there and spaz…or, you avoid the store all together and miss out on some quality items.

As for checkin’ his phone while you were fellatin’ him, that is kinda disrespectful. However, given his recent track record with women, excluding his mom of course, I’m not too surprised at his actions. Though you said he wanted to have a FWB arrangement, it sounds more like a liberal version of f*ck buddies. It’s also possible that he is the type of dude that always needs to have a woman in his presence. It doesn’t necessarily matter what she’s doing, but I’m sure he wouldn’t complain if the actions happen to be s*xual.

I’m willin’ to bet a small amount of money that the phone goin’ off was another woman and he was concerned about this person showin’ up. I think that’s evident in the fact he stopped in the middle of sex, mumbled some gibberish, then went to look out the window. Could have been a crazy chick he used to deal with or it could’ve been another “arrangement”. Who knows for sure though. It’s also possible that he did just go out to his car to get something…or  maybe he just had to fart and didn’t wanna do it in the house. Once again, who knows?

What does everybody else think of this overall scenario? Are my thoughts and assumptions erroneous? What other reasons could have explained this dude’s odd actions? And lastly, does anybody have similar stories of weird bedroom or living room behavior?

Givin’ it to you RAW,slim jackson

Comment(40)

  1. So his FWB stood for F'ing While Black, hers stood for Friends With Benefits. But she skipped the friend part and went straight to benefits. And expected a higher class of benefit. Either way, old boy needs to be told that when a woman is sampling the lollipop, you don't answer phones, fiddle with remote, check your email. The whole experience was an FEF – F* Etiquette Fail and you have to share that. Reach one, teach one.

    Your assumptions are dead-on, Slim. There are few enough good reasons to stop midstroke barring medical emergency, fire hazard or in this case – imminent crazy girlfriend arrival. Checking cell followed by peeping through miniblinds is a bad sign.

    As for weird bedroom behavior, I can only think of the one guy who counted… strokes… out loud… during the act. Like we were in Aerobics class "a one and two and three and four and…" Worse, he had a certain number he had to get to before he could wrap things up. The first time I heard him, I thought he was trying to keep the beat of the music playing in the background but no… just counting. Strange and quite the mood-wrecker.

    1. The first time you heard him? Wow. You went back? That shyt would freak me out. Did he have to touch the bedroom door three times before opening it?? This reminds me of Monk–the TV show about the man who is OCD. Seen it once. Don't judge me!

  2. FWB or not, dude's actions would have made me feel uncomfortable as hell too, so yea she should definitely let him know…especially if it still bothers her to think about it. As far as weird bedroom behavior, I dont have any stories myself but I was LMAO when I read OneChele's….I think I would have to laugh and then kick him out (of me AND my house) lol.

    1. I laughed heartily reading One Chele's weird bedroom behavior example. I know sometimes I may count in my head just to take my mind off the act and to make it a challenge, but counting out loud? LMAO. It's even funnier if the dude is counting while givin' backshots. Clap,1,Clap,2,Clap,3,Clap,4….Clap,56,Awwww *groan*

  3. this is so OOC. LOL! checking the phone during head is soooo disrespectful. but the whole looking out the windows thing reminded me kinda of a situation I had in college when I found out my ex boyfriend was cheating on me…

    he was trying to make sure one of his many women hadn't showed up. suspect behavior indeed. I know all too well that feeling of irritation, but not knowing how to express it. now that she's had time to think about it, she should def give him a call and let him know what's the deal…

  4. I agree with you Slim… But I was thinking perhaps one of those women lived with him… hence her not getting to the bedroom.

    I'm kinda shocked at the writer for subjecting herself to this though… I know not everyone wants a relationship but this ninja answers the phone while she is pleasing him???? Aw hell nah.. she should have left.

  5. Unsatisfactory lovin is a no-no. I see two things happening here:

    1) She needs to step her game up – really, he shouldn't be able to uncurl his toes and function well enough if she is pleasuring him correctly. That's mediocre head. If he can pop up in the middle of the lovin' to check windows and such, again – mediocre lovin'.

    2) He doesn't really care about her satisfaction. Unfortunately, this is understandable due to his situation. Writer, you basically did this to yourself because you knew he was in a bad place. Unless you were just giving him a mercy f*ck. If this is the case you can't really complain, you've volunteered to be the Mother Theresa of random head. His disinterest may have led to the mediocre head and lovin' on her part. He's pre-occupied and will not be able to give her the "o" she was looking for and she needs to move on. I don't see the need to follow up with this guy, because he'll probably treat the next girl better. He won't be heart broken.

    Oh yeah, it did read like he may have been on the lookout for either 1) a crazy ex or 2) a girl he cares more about. Honey, don't put yourself in this place again.

  6. what a jackass. either this is just another example of man's innate need to take a mutually-satisfying arrangement such as FWB and turn it into a scenario in which he can humiliate or disrespect a woman, or this guy is just plain rude.
    unless she's getting paid to do it, a guy checking his phone while a woman is pleasuring him should be an automatic 'abort mission'. i would have gotten up, slapped him upside his head, and bounced. and i certainly wouldn't be wasting my breath calling him up to explain to him why i'm not feeling his funky behaviour – unless i was planning to go back for more.

      1. you know what? you both are right. but if she's one of those persons that needs closure ( I just got off the phone with a friend that always feels the need to "speak her piece") then she should call him up. not saying it would accomplish much, though.

  7. Ha. This chick is straight playing herself. She's merely a couple of holes. And frankly, those holes might not be tight or moist enough because he had other things he'd rather do than stick himself in either of her holes.

    Why are people even entertaining the possibility that this this dude is going to respect her? I took it that her having her eye on him meant she wanted to DATE the dude. If she's feeling the dude but is willing to settle for being a jump off (who can't even get bedroom chex), then she needs to end all contact cus she's already established herself as a jump off. If a dude wanted to date me and I told his ass I was just looking for a sponsor, and he took me out and bought me a bunch of shyt, NOBODY would think I respect him.

    Should she say something? Uh, if she wants to play herself MORE. Contrary to popular belief, getting closure from someone else doesn't exist. No matter what you say to him and no matter what he says back, you're still going to be bothered by his behavior. If she continues to see this guy, she should use him for practice to tighten up her game.

    I could tell her not to call him but I know she will. See, she hasn't gotten a point I made yesterday–DUDE IS GETTING WHAT HE WANTS AND SHE'S NOT. This is obvious up front. Why bother any more? Doesn't make sense.

  8. much like you SJ, I'm fairly sure that he was trying to stop another woman from coming over. She probably did pop up and that's who he went outside to see for a second. I've DONE IT, so I know.

    I have text while getting head, matter of fact, I've had a full conversation on the phone while having sex with someone else….it's only disrespectful if someone feels disrespected (as she did).

    At this point, her leaving doesn't even matter. He already got the box twice and his life is filled with women he still actually likes/loves: his ex-girlfriend and ex-wife. Everybody else is just a temporary fun session anyway.

    lmao @ FWB's. Where is the friendship in this? They're not friends, she's just some girl he wanted to f*ck. I get so irritated when women say that to me as to classify what I'm trying to do with them. Chick, you are not my friend, at all. I only call you to get my n*t.

    1. LMAO.

      This is a good point though. She isn't a FwB cause there is no friendship. It's straight cut buddies when phone conversations contain "lets finish what we started".

  9. checking the phone while getting head? #wddda

    head must not have been too good for him to be distracted enough to even be thinking about a phone. crazy chick or not if the head/sex is that good, he's going to be worried about it AFTER not during.

  10. I don't get why she's even debating whether or not to talk to him again. Closure? Closure from what? There wasn't enough foundation for her to need anything from this man. Like why was she still there after el incident numero uno? Please, move on.

  11. This is some young gal b.s. – if she's over 25 I feel for her. Let's run down the list:

    1. She approached him, not the other way around.

    2. He told her he wanted nothing of a relationship with her and she gave him the booty, even though she wanted a relationship from him.

    3. They did the "do", and something was unsatisfactory enough that she agreed to sleep with him again to try and get off.

    4. They did the "do" again and….he checks his phone during head and the window during the act. Wack head and coochie game on her part, total "I don't give a flying f**k about you or your satisfaction" on his part.

    5. He won't even take her to his room.

    6. Result: EPIC FAIL

    *Moral: if you're going to have a slutty adventure you have to look out for your own "O". Get with the guy who has pride in his performance, not the guy who has pride in his number or in what he can get away with. And if you want a relationship, don't pass out your cookies. Especially if he tells you he doesn't want you to be his g/f.

    1. "This is some young gal b.s. – if she’s over 25 I feel for her. Let’s run down the list:

      1. She approached him, not the other way around….."

      so a woman over 25 shouldn't approach a man?

      1. I don't think women should. Why? Because if a man wants you, he will approach. All that intimidation crap is stuff women use to justify why they chase men. If you step to a guy, unless you're a total swamp donkey, he'll 'hit'. Why not. He doesn't have to do anything. But he will never invest any real time, effort, or energy in the 'relationship'. Contrary to what all these stupid mags and men tell women, men, real men (not tall boys) appreciate the pursuit. They appreciate that the apple of their eye isn't open to ever Sam, Ray, and Tim.

        1. And regardless of what women think the natural order of things are, men aren't OBLIGATED to approach in this day and age. The numbers work in our favors too much. There is nothing wrong with her approaching. If it indicates a woman is interested and will take the first step then so be it. I'm not saying a woman has to chase men, but walking up to someone and saying hello…well, sounds like just being friendly to me. IF she gives up the goods then that's her decision but meeting someone shouldn't be relegated by outdated rules and such.

        2. CPT Callamity: Numbers, schumbers. If it all worked out so well, why come so many of my male associates moan about always being approached by the chicks they don't want. Rarely is a sought after chick going to approach a man. Why? Cus she doesn't have to. Even if the numbers are skewed in favor of men, most men only want certain women. There aren't a lot of those 'certain women' to go around. Sooo, we end up right back where I started–men getting approached by women they don't want cus if they wanted those women, they would have approached them.

        3. I agree with CPT. I've had serious relationships with women who took the initiative to approach me. Like CPT said what's wrong with just a simple hello? And a guy might be feeling you but that doesn't mean he will approach you.

        4. I think there isn't anything wrong with a woman approaching a man. But she just need to know hat if you approach and smash quick … your gonna get the slore label pretty quick and nothing good will come.

          If you approach and still act like a lady (with some damn sense), then things definitely can end well.

  12. Also, to be clear on how I feel about this situation. It never ceases to amaze me how a chick can explain getting played and find some positive spin on it. Shorty got treated like some quick and easy beats. It is not weird behavior the behavior speaks for itself.

    1. Tunde, to answer your question – I'm not 100% opposed to women making the "first move". But if the first move is followed by the guy telling you he doesn't want a relationship you need not give him the booty. Approaching him wasn't the main offense, but it was the first of many signs that he wasn't interested in her. Personally, I've never approached a man – I only send signals that it's ok for him to approach. I want a lion in my life, not a gazelle.

      Dr. J – I've got my (side) eye on you,lol.

      1. "Personally, I’ve never approached a man – I only send signals that it’s ok for him to approach. I want a lion in my life, not a gazelle"

        i can get with this.

  13. While closure is a nice thought…more often than not will you still be bugged. I really think the idea of closure is hoping that the other person will make you feel "good" about the situation, but if dude didnt really give a flying Fcuk it MIGHT just make her feel even worse. Dust your shoulders off homegirl and chock it up to another one bites the dust…

  14. i know matters of the heart require sensitivity, but buttercup cakes it sounds like he is a lame. he sucks as a friend and a lover. therefore he has no real value to you. leave him alone. delete his number. don't answer his txts and make ur self unavailable for his dropbys. as ATCQ would say KIM (keep it moving 😉

  15. Shorty gave head good enough to text with, lmaooooo!

    Slim, I concur with your assessment. Obviously he was looking out for other chicks.

    My thing is that if she approached him, she obviously gave off an impression that ish like that was cool,otherwise, he wouldnt have done it. Simple.

    If she needs closure fine. Sometimes, you gotta charge it to the game.

  16. Although Slim is my man … I don't think she needs to call. I mean, he just doesn't seem important enough to "let him know". He may or may not care … but its obvious that the writer shouldn't.

    On a sidenote … did anyone think that the head might have been so good that he had to text his boys about it. Maybe even send out a video message to his friends???

  17. My answer is for this topic and for the she's a ho he's not from the last wk. As for last wks, wages have been frozen becuz of corp America guttin manufacturing gigs n sending them over seas women in the workforce had nothin to do with it. With the advent of info/computer based workforce, women were indirectly better prepared than men. Also wages were starting to freeze in the 60's womens lib took off in the 70's. Women had been relagated to primarily office/clerical work. Who could have forseen those skills fit perfect in out cubicle based economy. For those men in factories it was the Big Dog rich boss that deaded his job, forever and now that gig is in China were they make everthing we use for two cents a day. It was wall st that froze wages not women.

    Now shorty in this blog. Look todays women can live like a dude but like one when she gambles but loses, get over it, you had a bad sexual experience men have em from 13 on up welcome to the club. Only chicks pull non relationship moves like this they blow up in their face and they still think there's some rationale to it. Here's the rationale, she probably only got wit him cuz of the pad, is he even cool like that? Well if she wanted more why did she give it up so fast? Do she think (like so many women do) her skills were "so good" he would immediatley give her the long term contract? Just becuz ladies can give it to us now based on their feelings for us we as men still act as men until you know us there is no garuntee I am even gonna let you get off finanly what was so pressing she HAD to have sex wit him being cool n attractive aint enuff.

  18. Wow I'm just surprised the writer can't see the sadness in this situation. If she were a man I'd say grow some balls but since she's not I'll just simply say, where the heck is your self respect for yourself. FWB or not come on your just disrespecting your self on every level and letting him. He told you to call him if you feel like telling him whats wrong, omg & lol.

    He doesn't like you and obviously barely like your hole and you don't like the sex either. He's giving you prostitute treatment. Who cares about why he did all that strange ish but he don't like you.

    1. Agree completely. He doesn't even like her enough to not check his phone while she is servicing him without the benefit of at least dinner or some other bullshit to make her think he is really interested.

  19. I agree with Nyela Goodness when she says:

    I don’t get why she’s even debating whether or not to talk to him again. Closure? Closure from what? There wasn’t enough foundation for her to need anything from this man. Like why was she still there after el incident numero uno? Please, move on.

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