It’s my go. Tag me in like Shawn Michaels the Heartbreak Kid, i’m ready to get in on the action. We got this email, and i’ve got some advice for this young lady. (I hope she’s young.) To the readers, below is the lady’s email. And below you will find my response. Enjoy. I know I told y’all I was going to complete the Get Over It Series this week, but that can wait, you readers cannot. Because without you, it wouldn’t be possible. Thanks for reading, as always.
I need some advice, viewpoint, guidance…something!! There is a man that I attend college with that I am interested in getting to know, First let me let you in on the situation.
Because our campus is so large, there happens to be a campus busing system that takes you all around campus so you dont have to walk everywhere. One night I was on the bus coming from a late campus event when I saw a fine man looking like he just came from working out. He caught my eye so I smiled at him which I figured he didn’t see from behind his newspaper. We both got off at the same spot and I continued on to my apartment while he went the opposite way to his.
Fast Forward a month later and I was standing outside the off-campus bus top on my way to class when out of the corner of my eye I see him coming from his apartment complex. He walks past me and sits a few rows back and I continue pouring myself over OChem problems (not really) Suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn around…It’s HIM! He then comes at me like “I see you on here all the time and I always mean to say something to you.” we then introduce ourselves and I tell him that I used to live at the apartment complex I saw him coming from. I then continue to go on and on about how terrible his current landlord is and how he screwed me out of my security deposit (too much negativity?? maybe) and he ends up telling me where he will be moving to in the fall and GUESS WHAT…it’s exactly where I currently live. I then tell him about how much he’s gonna love the place he’s moving to and how much more professional it is and I find out that he will be staying on the same floor as me. My stop comes so I we shake hands and I go about my merry way to class when it occurs to me that I wish he would have asked for my number, or that I wish I had thought to just give him my number.
So about another month goes by before I see him on that bus again (I chalk it up to different class schedules because its not like I used to see him all the time before). Then one day I see him get on the bus and we wave to each other, I thought about giving him my number then but i punked out and just continued to listen to my ipod instead. I know he will be moving to where I currently live in September. My question is…Do I approach this guy? If so how? Or am I just taking his “introduction” to seriously and should i just leave it at that?? PLEASE HELP!
I’m not going to lie to you, I’m in a bad mood this week. I figure I should be honest.
1) I will admit this dude seems slightly focused on his daily routine and discipline is one of the most attractive traits a man can have. Men often times forget that women notice these things. It’s a good thing. A woman when she notices a man is on his grind, they are like that seems like a guy who I want to be on my grind. (no pun intended.) For that reason, maybe you do want to holla at him. Also, give the bout sh*t dude some play sometimes. I’m tired of ain’t sh*t dudes getting a chance with women and doing nothing with it.
2) You need to immediately start asking around for a CARFAX report on this dude if you go to school with him. Shouldn’t be hard to find, you can at least get his name and Facebook/Twitter stalk him. Hey if you’re going to try and talk to this guy, it’s only necessary that you do some background research before proceeding. After you do that, look for a clean bill of health and freedom from… ding ding ding GIRLFRIEND. Chances are if you find this guy attractive, a few other women do too. And maybe just maybe he has a #1 already. Sidenote, even if you find that his #1 exists, if you still want that guy, I say go for it. It’s a shortage of men out here in the world, if you find a good one, you have to take your blessing.
3) Lest I hold you too long, you know you wrong for trying to date someone who live in your building. That’s just bad business and you know it. For that I am giving you the negro please award… You know since day one, you’re supposed to avoid dating/sleeping with people who live in your area. If it goes south, it’s bad business. I mean, think about what happens when you come home bent and want a nightcap, you call him up and boom boom boom… bow chicka bow bow. Plus, what if he gets possessive, you really want him just catching the elevator to see you. I can see a billion warning signs against the idea of dating someone in your building.
What am I trying to say here? I’m saying, I wouldn’t do it, although you have some good reasons to do it. You gotta make a decision. First, consider #3, if you still say yes, immediately do #2. And if someone asks you why, tell them #1. Good luck and godspeed. This may surprise as the advice that Dr. J usually gives is more confrontational, but the best advice doctor I can be, is to help you think through your thoughts and explain why you may be feeling the way you do. Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn’t ask you to consider some things you may have overlooked.
I’m sure at this point, we can leave our SBM readers to really divulge into this and give you some advice.
PS – I’m interested to know why he hasn’t tried to get at you yet. That may provide some additional insight that the guys here at SBM need to really give a full diagnosis.
Even though your respone is laced with sarcasm you do make some interesting and valid points. First and firemost you are right about trying to get at someone who lives near where you live. That's even worse than dating someone whom you work with.
The biggest thing she probably hasn't considered is he might not really be interested in her. Just because he spoke to her that one time doesn't mean he's feeling her. Maybe he was just being nice to her.
I have the same advice. Leave dude alone. The potential cons outweigh the potential pros.
I disagree with that analogy, b/c I know a few people who are happily married and they met at work. Drama can happen in any situation, if you are someone who brings that into your life.
I concur (i agree with the answer, but not with your reasoning Dr. J). I think it's a no b/c as Tunde stated, it's not clear if he is really interested. He could just be a nice guy.
The whole not dating someone b/c they live in your building thing is a bit over the top. I can go wrong, but lots of situations can go wrong. You shouldn't limit yourself just b/c of where the person lives. That could be your soulmate and you overlooked the person b/c they live near you.
As for dating someone who already has someone, that is always a fail and usually ends badly for all parties involved.
However, nevertheless, I would find out if he were really interested. I mean he can ask her for her number, if he is really interested. Most men aren't shy when it comes to that and complain about women misinterpreting their words and actions, so I say she leave that first major move to him, if it is even going to occur.
i think he's probably interested – what man goes out of his way to introduce himself to a woman he isn't interested in? and on the bus? please. but i agree that someone in your building should be considered a no-bone zone. you don't shit where you eat.
I agree… especially number three. He's gonna be living too close.
I think if there is chemistry there, she'd have no question about it… is he flriting??? That's a natural signifier.
J – I agree with the advice, but not for your listed reasons. I'm not opposed to women approaching men, but I don't advocate it, either. If she starts off as the pursuer she'll be playing that role the whole time. If he's interested he'll approach her. The fact that he's seen her a few times and struck up conversation says alot…..I think that her chattiness during that convo put him off – he was probably ready to ask for her number then and changed his mind. Whatever the case, she shouldn't give him her number unless he asks for it.
Oh, and about #2 – please stop giving these young girls wack advice. That's how women get beat in these streets. That'll bring out the hulk in an otherwise Davida Bannerish type woman. Besides, if he's dog enough to cheat on his current with her, he'll do the same to her.
Anna? You never took somebody's man before? Not never…?
I know plenty of women who enjoy the competition and will take the rug from under a woman for a man.
Sidenote, I only gave one reason why she shouldn't talk to him. And I think #3 is true, you can't be co-habitating even if it's on different floors. Maybe, the same complex, seperate buildings, but a car need to be involved… at a minimum.
Going after a man knowing that he has a girl? Nope. I've been around some fine men that I wished were single (but didn't act on it), and I've shared a man, but I've never gone after one like that. One: I don't pursue men, they pursue me. Two: I'd beat the brakes off a b**ch for stepping to my man if she knew I was in the picture. Generally, I don't do stuff I would beat someone down for.
On an interesting side note, my married girlfriends agree with you unless he's married. They're like the IRS, you're either married or single. Girlfriends really don't count.
P.S. Anna, I'm the same as you…. I refuse to go after a man who has a girl, no matter whether she has a ring or not.
That man is not interested in her (in "that" way). It's very clear to BOTH parties when they are BOTH interested. Come on now!
He spoke to her ass because he and his GIRLFRIEND had a fight and he wanted to see if he could line up some 'hit' opportunities just in case his GIRLFRIEND decided to withhold the 'favors'. He's not seriously checking for her. If he was, when he spoke to her, he would have pushed the envelop and tried to establish a way to communicate. Even if he asked her for her FB/Twitter info. But he didn't do that cus he doesn't really want her 'in' his life. On top of that, she probably isn't even on his possible 'hit' list cus she ran off at the mouth about his landlord when they first met. He probably was sitting there thinking, "Damn she talks so much."
U mad? lol
Naw. Not mad. Just not politically correct. I'm just not willing to give these poor girls hope. Women operate on that 'hope scholarship' mentality with men never realizing that if a man wanted them, he'd go after them. They have such difficulty dealing with rejection that they try to find ways to justify why the man isn't going after him by considering everything but 'HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU'.
But you assume dude is wifed up just because he sees her everyday and decided to say hi. Ive done that before and I didnt have a girlfriend. Sometimes, men don't want to look like a fool/stalkerand get played. Sometimes its shyness. Sometimes you'll just say eff it I want to see what shortys about. Maybe its because I'm a NYKer and we don't say hi for no reason up here, you MIGHT get shot! lol
But he approached her and she was nice to him. Maybe a bit too chatty but otherwise nice. I only said the GF part because of what Dr. J said about him looking good to other women. But even if he doesn't have a GF the bottom line remains: Women, stop trying to figure out reasons why some dude hasn't really stepped to you. It may be as simple as him not wanting to. It's not a reflection on you. It doesn't make you or him bad people. Move along.
I actually agree with your thought process on this, LOL. she's the potential "live right there so something could jump off if/when my main gets on my nerves" joint.
I can't say that he's already got a gf that he's checkin for.
He could just be a gentleman that's about his business and really trying to make it happen for himself & honestly I can't even be mad at that.
I'll say that he might live a little too close for comfort, but I would approach it as a friend thing…come over for a movie or something like that…you can def figure out the vibes like that.
Jac you running freshman game on dudes now? Come over for a movie. I wish a chick would.
Thanks for agreeing about him being about his business.
At Dr. J…hmm…I haven't done that since I was a freshman, but I do know I was able to determine the kinda guy he was…and we been chill ever since.
It doesn't have to be a movie. It could be let's go grab coffee (on her')…then you get there he might pay who knows, but you can't just go all willy nilly assuming stuff about the man..you lose 100% of the answer to the question you don't ask.
I love your advice SBM! I've always found that if a man is interested in you, he is not going to let to many opportunities pass by to get your number if they are really interested in you. So if it were me, I'd remain friendly, be inquisitive (twitter/FB stalk, ask around the yard)and definitely converse with him (i.e. Casually bring up do you have a girlfriend) to see where his head is at. But ultimately,if he wants to get at you, he's not going to waste time.
Don't do it Girl! If that man was interested in you YOU WOULD KNOW. Let a man be a man. He is probably spoken for. And if he isn't, you NEVER date someone that lives in your apt building, let alone your floor. Odds are that it isn't going to work. Do you really want to deal with angst everytime you get off the elevator because you might run into him.
I agree with Ms. Smart. He probably was having issues with his current boo when he spoke to you. The fact that he NEVER spoke again, and that was over a month ago? No. I don't think he is all that interested.
Hmm…my gut is saying he doesn't like her like that. Because he would have asked for the number or some way to get in contact with her (besides running into her on the bus) if he was interested in any way at all. Even if he is/was shy and didn't want to seem stalkerish…if he got up the nerve to speak in the first place, he would have used that as the perfect opportunity to establish another form of communication so he could get to know her better. I say leave it alone….
A lil late but I gotta say this since it was mentioned but I saw no reply to it: women have either do bad fa dolo or reduce these sucka chump men to talkin dildo's. Too many women I know are lamentin a situation were she overrated her man, filled in his blanks and went along cuz the sex and lifestyle was never threatend. Also stop spinnin why if you have give a sucker ni99a a relationship. It couldn't have been that bad after all he was able to get a fly chick and keep her. Last when top shelf women date these kinds of men its like an ivy league school allowing D students in cuz they got the D's in a top notch high school, if they were to let them in the schools overall GPA plummets, so you get my point?
lol I love it. "Don't shit where you eat" is probably the truest and funniest thing I read. As much as I wanna say go for it, the talking part kinda killed me…"then I continue…" I wondered if he got more words in or if you did most of the talking. it's not your fault…well maybe it is, but then again it's not his either. Just….^^ what they said lol
Dr. J your sarcasm and mood in this one…slays me.