Home Submission Reader Appreciation Week: A Deal Gone Wrong

Reader Appreciation Week: A Deal Gone Wrong


****** Admin Note ******

I hope everyone love and appreciated our Reader Appreciation Week.  We get so many letters, it was time that we took the time to let ya’ll know we appreciate each and every one of ya’ll (yeah … you too!).

On a side note … We are probably not going to be posting any letters for awhile … but we’ll see.

And show us some appreciation by voting us in the Black Weblog Awards! You know you want to …


Happy Friday my good people!  I hope we’ve all quickly recovered by now from the mini hangover you have from drinking last night in preparation for the one you are preparing to induce after work.  It’s finally the end of the week, and we’re still giving it to you RAW.  It made me just as happy to type that as it made you when you read it.  Aight, let’s jump in:

Hello, there SBM. I just discovered your site today and i think it’s awesome! I am able to get relationship advice for the future and a male’s perspective on things.

I am emailing you for some advice. I’m only 18 years old and i’ve never been on a date before in my life or had a real  boyfriend. The thing is I’m afraid of getting played AGAIN. My senior year of high school I was dealing with this guy who had a girlfriend at the time. To make a long story short I no longer had my virginity and I was played for a complete fool in the end. What I want to know is, how can I put myself out there on the dating scene without  being naieve or coming off as a bitter black female? I want to date, but it’s hard for me to trust men. Either they’re dating/sleeping with a whole bunch of females or are out just to sleep with me. I don’t want to get my feeling hurt again and I don’t want to be played for a fool. What should I do prevent this?


Sue, welcome to the site, we are glad you enjoy it, go on and get comfortable…stay a while.

See Also:  How's it Going Down?: Who is she creeping with?

I’ve been reading this question all week and at first I was going to tip toe around the truth, but after some divine inspiration, I’ve decided to tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

First off, I don’t even know what dealing means.  Were you trying to sell him your car?  Or perhaps interest him in a time share? Seriously though, there’s no way to deal with someone else’s boyfriend and not expect it to backfire.  Don’t make someone a priority in your life when your just an option in theirs. Sometimes there’s no clear cut way to know if you’re just an option, but if he has a girlfriend, that definitely means your an option.  I don’t know what kinda jedi G he hit you with, but you clearly knew he had a boyfriend.  Dealing with a guy that’s currently boo’d up is usually a sign things will end badly.  Think about it, even if he left her for you, he’d probably do the same thing to you, cuz face it, at this point in his life he’s young, dumb and full of man seed.

You’re just going to have to put yourself out there dating scene, staying true to yourself knowing what you are willing and not willing to accept from a man.   There is no magic pill for a successful relationship, nor is there a pill for a bulletproof heart.  Just based on your age I feel confident in saying that you will be hurt again.  And again.  And again. Yep…and again. Even in successful relationships, people can hurt one another whether it was accidental or otherwise.  If it makes you feel any better there are men and women that are 28, 38, and 48 years old that have been trying to figure that out for years.  The most you can do is try to learn from each of these experiences as time goes by.  That doesn’t mean punish the next guy you meet for what the last guy did to you. You have to give everyone a fair shot.  That being said, trust is a very deep word and you can’t decide on whether or not to trust all men after the first negative experience you have, because let’s face it, there are going to be a lot of men just trying to get in your pants.  A lot.   But that doesn’t mean you won’t have positive experiences with worthwhile trustworthy dudes.  Unfortunately love and trust is a trial and error kinda deal.

See Also:  SBM Answers: Disposable Black Women?

Do me a favor…do not let this experience give you a negative dispostion towards sex.  Many times when people are getting to know each other, there is great emphasis placed on sex and not so much the person, and they develop into unsucessful relationships.  I’d be remiss in my duties as a Cocksman if I did not provide you with this information.  When your dealing or messin’ with or in a friends with benefits situation, that’s not dating, that’s being in “the game”, and unfortunately that game has no rules.  Unless you communicate to your partner from jump what your intentions are, you are bound for situations like this.  So if you’re just looking to “have fun”, don’t be mad if he starts having fun with someone else.  But if you’re looking for something more substantial, focus more on the person and don’t let sex be the key to your heart.

Lastly and quite frankly, I’m a little older than 18 and even at my young virile age, I can’t remember too many details about my dealings at that time.  If I sat here long enough maybe it could come back to me eventually, but it would take a while.  I understand that you’re 18 now and care less for my old man jaded view, but it is highly unlikely you’re going to meet Mr. Right right now.  Is there anything I left out people?  Any one have any other kind words of advice for Sue?

See Also:  Are your bags too heavy?

RightCoastLexSteele, On the rocks – no garnish


  1. You are right. This girl is only 18. I know she is probably hurting now but what she is going through right now probably won't even matter in 5 years. Well I don't know. Maybe she might harbor some type of resentment towards men that might carry over from one relationship to the next causing a snowball effect. Hard to say. Hopefully she works that shit out.

  2. "Don’t make someone a priority in your life when your just an option in theirs."

    No truer words in dating and relationships have ever been spoken! That's all I needed… Amen.

  3. Go out into the dating world already having learned two valuable lessons:

    In the words of NeNe (Real HW of ATL): Close your legs to married taken men.

    Stay out of situations where other folks are getting all of what they want and you're not. It is ALWAYS a quick way to get played.

  4. You gave good advise…you sound like my male friends i run to when im feelin like my life is in shambles. lol. But the best thing she can realize is that she's young. Hell im young im only 22. The best thing ive learn in my short life span is that men come and go…and come…and go again. Sometimes that's hard to see esp when feelings are hurt. But once you're "still" and really realize what you want for yourself all the bs will fall away.

  5. Dear Letter Writer-

    Close ya damn legs! You presented yourself as a jumpoff and thats how you were taken. Don't make it easy for a dude to get to the honey pot. Act like you've got some good sense.

  6. This was great advice to give her. As a psy major the choices you make as a young person will def effect the way you carry yourself in the future.

    She is young and yes there will be many more heartaces and pains, but try to be smart. Messing with sum1 elses man is far from being smart. At this age young boys hopefully are turning into men are bascially tryin to beat. They not lookin for anything serious As for us women well thats different story.

    She just needs to pull up her boot straps and move on take this one as a lose. But from now one plz leave other peoples men alone it nevers ends up good i dont care what he tells you. Also try not to have sex until you are truly ready to deal with everything that comes with it. Sex is a big deal no matter what age

    Also im 24 years old and i def know there is more heartach in my future so at 18 you are just getting started..srry to say.

  7. This is so true.

    I will say..yes, being up front with your intentions and hoping that they're upfront with theirs. The key is to KNOW what you want and act on it.

    Don't hop in to bed with anyone quickly. Even if it is FWB. Too much going on out here to put your health at risk. Go into every situation with your eyes open. Think before you act. That's it…

  8. At times couples are squabbing over money matters and their relationships affects a lot because of this. i too was one of the victim to this and i was adviced by one of

    my friend to get rid of this and i did …

    i thought the same way as you did a few months back when i and my partner had some issues on money matters and our relationship seemed like it is gonna sink and i went into depression and only on one day my friend made me realize how i could overcome my issue with this.

    And it worked for me and now, we are a happily living couple.

  9. I definitely agree with all that was said. 18 is one of those ages where you can say "Heartbreak begins" You just gotta "go into every situation with your eyes open" (thanks Felicia) Open arms (not legs) to all situations, because you never know what will be thrown at you. Just be ready to catch it. lol excuse me for speaking in idioms and analogies, etc. Just don't set your expectations too high. You'll be setting yourself up for disappointment and/or failure.


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